Meaning that no matter how tired I am.
It gets done tonight.
Half-way there. When I get it done, maybe I can stop putting myself down so much.
One to go. As mentioned, I finished earlier in the day the schoolwork half that was bogging me down. I sent a text to my sort-of boss telling her that I had finished said schoolwork and would do the task for work that I've put off, tonight.
Meaning that no matter how tired I am. It gets done tonight. Half-way there. When I get it done, maybe I can stop putting myself down so much.
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Another week, another bunch of BSed work, exactly as predicted. I got all the work in, some of it actually looking reasonably convincing. I took a midterm without reading a single word of the textbook and on common sense with a side of google, got 84. (Woulda been 86 if I didn't accidentally click the wrong thing and hit submit on one question.) I found a good website with simple googling skills to fulfill a research requirement and summarized some of its key points, then halfheartedly replied to others who had done the same. And then there was my cover letter. Sent it in, in spite of knowing it's utter trash, because some points > no points, especially when your grade is a D.
...Yeah, D. I did tell you I was on the verge of failing that class; I really wasn't joking. In somewhat more pleasant news, there's a figment of a song I once tried to write, "Paranoia and delusion" (sharing the same tune, I just now noticed, with "I'm so sorry"; fitting, given both are songs that I cooked up in some of the darkest periods of my life and the slow, slow nature of them makes this abundantly and painfully clear), that I just now created, either just before or after the "Paranooooooooia, and deluuuuuuusion" part, which goes, "_ Destrooooooooooooy(y)a, better lose it". (Or 'em, not sure, depends.) So vague songwriting progress today, too. But mostly playing catch-up. Lots and lots of catch-up. I forgot to mention the reason why I made that blog. It shouldn't be too hard to deduce (ha), though:
Naturally, I did...EXACTLY what I said I was going to. Albeit not entirely without cause; I was attempting to write stuff, but the words I was writing were literally gibberish. When that happens, I know I'm not getting anything done anymore, so I went to bed. And here I am. Again. I do have something interesting, though. A bit of a song stuck in my head, a string instrument (violin and/or cello) playing this: Hmm-hmhm-hm-hmm, Hmm-hmhm-hm-hmm, hmm-hmhm-hm-HMM-hm, Hmm-hmhm-hm-hmm, Hmm-hmhm-hm-hmm, hmm-hmhm-hm-hmm-hmm. One, twoand three four, one, twoand three four, one twoand three FOURand, One, twoand three four, one, twoand three four, one twoand three four and. That's not quite right. It's not exactly on beat as you can tell. I'm not even sure it's 4/4 timing. The notes go something like this, though. Ba-dada-ba-duh, Ba-dada-ba-duh, Ba-dada-ba-HUH-ah, Ba-dada-ba-duh, Ba-dada-ba-duh, Ba-dada-ba-duh-duh. I realize this description absolutely sucks, even as far as descriptions go, but I needed to note it all the same. Now back to work. You know the one. The one where he's in his mind palace (after you-know-what), and Mycroft keeps telling him what a sad, pathetic little child he is? How worthless and stupid he is?
Yeah, that one? That is my mind right now. The overwhelming feelings of doubt and despair at how much an idiot I am. The only difference between the two is that in Sherlock's case, he's a legitimate genius, and while he may be antisocial, while he has been a loner, he at least can put them to good use. Whereas with me, whatever potential I have is...well, just that, potential, not actually being used. Though I actually hold the desire to be social, I currently am a bit of a loner, and...I feel like what I'm doing (that is, nothing at all) makes me worthless. I've always identified with depictions of Sherlock, because...I've always felt this way, and Sherlock is one of the only protagonists you see that portrays this type of thing even remotely effectively. It's just that...well, I'm no Sherlock. I wish I was, I wish I could be, but I'm not. I'm just your average-day messed-up human. There is stuff, important stuff, that my mind has thought about blogging, mostly good, but it's all getting washed away by the distraction of the negativity rushing through my head. And I know you're probably sick of it. You want to tell me that I'm being (pardon the language) an emo bitch. You're not wrong, of course, because I am being precisely that with these entries.
But I can't help it. These failings are all my fault. It's not like life has conspired against me to push me into increasingly-worsening situations. It's all me. It's my doing. I'm my own worst enemy. By not being able to actually get done what I need to get done, I'm setting myself up for failure. And by making myself feel bad for my failures because I know they're mine, well, it's probably the truth and is meant to help encourage me to stop procrastinating, but it does make me feel worse. It's like...a life-unraveling time period. I'm going through a struggle right now. My dominant emotion is struggle. I just...find continuing this to be incredibly stressful. And...I don't know what to do. Talking isn't helping me. It's only distracting me from the tasks I so desperately need to complete. The sad thing is, I know exactly how this will turn out. Distractions will "come first". Come 2 am or so, I'll decide it's too late. I'll try to sleep, figuring I'll get all the work done tomorrow. (In spite of having promised it being done before the end of the weekend...which is technically one hour from now.) And then, come tomorrow, I will BS my way through, skating by whatever I can salvage as I rush to do a week's worth of work in only half an hour. Sometimes, I wish you could see the nonverbals I make when typing these thoughts. Like the fingers-wrapped-around-face-dragging-down facepalm for the earlier half, and the pathetic sad pitiful laugh of gallows humor when I typed out the part of BSing my way through. I'm smart. I might not be a genius, but there's no denying that I'm smart. I know a lot of stuff. I pick up stuff very quickly. And I am an expert at manipulating the system, seeing the strings that control it. (Not just a mafia skill! Though mafia certainly is where it's most prominent, and where I've honed it.) If I were stupid, then I'd just fail at everything. I'd have lost my job thrice over by now (if I ever got it in the first place), and failed college many more times than I have been close to having done. But the fact that I'm so good at figuring out what I need to do in order to get points, and maximize how many I get each time, proves that I'm smart. If I actually applied that talent to doing something productive rather than using it exclusively to save myself, I might actually have a future. Yet here I am...wasting it. And knowing that I'm wasting it. And only making the most feeble, pathetic attempts at fixing it. It...really, really sucks. To have so much...and see that you have it...but know that it's all being wasted, and feeling unable to change anything about that. Yeah, no prizes for guessing what didn't get done yesterday. The funny thing is, Thursday night I went to bed at 12:30 so I could have stayed up to my normal time to get stuff done.
...I didn't. And here I am. On Saturday. When Movie Night distracts me. And anime is on during the night. With something I must get done in order to continue working. And something I have to get done in order to pass my class, that I promised before the weekend's end. Why is my impulse control so...weak? Like...here I am. Objectively knowing that I could give up any of those activities, and that frankly, it would be healthy to do so. ...And yet, when I try...I...can't give them up. I cave in. I do them anyway. In spite of knowing that it'd probably be healthier if for just one. dang. day. I took a break. It's not a pleasant demon to have, I can tell you. Normally, when I do an entry past midnight, I qualify it as being a part of the previous day, in spite of it technically not being that day. If it was Tuesday, yet it goes past midnight to become Wednesday, I may write a blog post that I qualify as still being a Tuesday blog post, and title it "Past Midnight, Shut Up, I Know". You've seen it dozens of times here already.
In this case, normally, when writing a blog post at this hour, freshly past midnight and going from Thursday into Friday, I'd be calling this a Thursday blog post. ...I'm not. This is just my earliest ever blog post for a day. A Friday blog post. (Even though I don't consider the day to begin until after I fall asleep and/or a certain time has been reached, e.g. 6 in the morning.) Why? Well...because frankly, I don't think I'm going to get the chance to get any blog posts later this Friday (that is, technically today). I'm busy enough on Fridays anyway. But now I've got a lot more on my plate. There's training that I need to do in order to keep my job, and I need to ask about further trainings. Both require me to actually use my email which I haven't used in...oh, probably almost half a year by now on a regular basis. (Probably not that bad. More than three months, though.) Then there is me doing a homework assignment I should have had done today, but which I forgot to bring, meaning it didn't get done. I need to scan that and send it to my teacher. Before the weekend's end. Preferably tomorrow. And given my heavy point hit already, if I don't, then I'll probably fail the class. ...Yeah. I suck. Maybe alternative, maybe pop. I'm 90% sure it's a real song, though it could be a mostly-real song that my mind has created my own little flairs for. I'll try to describe it as best as I can. The instruments used are a normal guitar, in the background, which is always playing and during the verses and second part of the chorus, matches the (female) singer's lyrics perfectly, albeit with an extra note where the singer rests. It continues throughout the whole song that way.
There's also a bass drum and an extremely echoey snare-like instrument. It uses the boom-boom-clap timing during the verses and first/third section of the chorus. (Not quite sure what it does during the second part of the chorus.) As for the lyrics, it has an interesting setup: verse, chorus part one, verse, chorus part one, part two, part three, verse, chorus 1/2/3 again, and then an instrumental bridge into the full chorus again. The verses and the second part of the chorus are unintelligible in my head, but I've managed to make out what the first and third (identical) parts of the chorus are saying, for the most part. "Take it all, Take it in, something something something begin." (Hey, I did say "most part". I think it's "begin", but it could be something else; I know it rhymes with "in", though, and 'begin' seemed right.) With the last being essentially, Bada ba-da-da badabegin timing-wise. That timing also gives a good idea for the verses, too. It basically goes like this: [verse1] Huh-ah huh-ha-huh huh-duh-huh-huh, Huh-ah huh-ha-huh huh-duh-huh-huh. Huh-ah huh-ha-huh huh-duh-huh-huh, Huh-ah huh-ha-huh huh-duh-huh-huh. [chorus-1] Take it all, take it in, Bada ba-da-da badabegin. Take it all, take it in, Bada ba-da-da badabegin. [chorus-2] Huh-ha--ha-ha-ha hahuhduhduh, Huh-ha--ha-ha-ha hahuhduhduh. Huh-ha--ha-ha-ha hahuhduhduh, Huh-ha--ha-ha-ha hahuhduhduh. [chorus-3] Take it all, take it in, Bada ba-da-da badabegin. Take it all, take it in, Bada ba-da-da badabegin. And you get the idea from there. Each bit of the verse/chorus2 is different (with each verse being different than the previous verse and different from chorus2, with chorus2 remaining the same), but the chorus1/3 repeats the same thing each time. I just wish I was able to actually sing it. Because the female singer who is singing it in my head is singing it beautifully. It's probably one of the prettiest songs I've ever heard, and yet while I am fairly certain it's based off of a real song, I have absolutely no clue where I'd begin to look for something like this. It's so...gorgeous. The verses are all nice and soft. The words flow from one to the other. The chorus1/3, she takes her time, and rolls the words a bit, but otherwise has a very-slightly-deep voice that the verse also had, albeit subdued thanks to the soft flowy words. And then in the middle of the chorus, she raises the pitch, going high and fast: the notes are the same and on the same timing (but are more accented, so are said faster), but the extra volume gives them a completely different sound than the verses. It's just...heavenly to hear. I wish, I really, really wish, there was a better way for you all to visualize this. If I could give you a single note, then from just that you might be able to fill in the gaps in the music and figure out why the tune is so gorgeous in my mind. But my writing means that you don't have even the slightest idea where to begin, and even if you did, you don't know how much the different sounds jump. (Heck, in some cases, I think I'm using the same sound when the actual note is different between the two, but it's so hard for my untrained ear to hear. It requires slowing the tune down in my mind and playing the notes one at a time, repeatedly, to see if two are the same or different.) I really wish sometimes that I was an actual musician. Because I have it as a passion, just...not one that I've actually got any actual talent in. The ability is clearly there, but...it's locked. Rather, my computer got worse (not going to sleep as it should have, in some sort of weird half-awake, half-asleep state) to the point where I resorted to a hard-reset. Fortunately, I'm progressively wisening up about leaving things that I can't recover. By which, I mean, I am back to normal, sort-of. Computer's still painfully slow right now. But it does mean that, at least theoretically, I should be able to show you the images that I scanned. Let's start with this one. This one, if you're a long-time follower and/or archive binger, you might remember me referencing back in the earlier days of my blog. My blog was brand new on the date mentioned, but I'm decently sure I did mention it. Now, mind you, I made this entirely without references, so it was entirely from memory. Given that, most of it was pretty good, although most of it sucks. The gloves were fairly decent, and the dark staff gave more or less the look I know I'm going to go for. I also came up (well, re-came up) with a clear design for his body armor: here leaning more towards Roman, my design would be a Roman/Greek-hybrid inspired armor, with my own touches, of course. It reintroduced the concept of having the tornado and the bolt embedded in the armor, something that had mostly fallen out. The main design here, though, of note is the face. Completely from scratch, I managed to make a face that I instantly fell in love with on my first try. (The tries below were attempts to recreate it, unsuccessfully.) That's why everything on the page says stuff like "badly done", "roughly done", "crude" or so forth, but the face does not: the face was the validation for the existence of this brainstorming session where I just doodled away. I don't know the date of it (I only date finished drawings, and it never got that far), but the above eventually led me to create this: It's in light pencil, so the details are hard to make out; like I said, I never finished it. But you can see a few things. That smaller face that wasn't erased? (Like I said, this never really got past the sketch phase into the proper drawing phase where I'd have polished it up.) Direct trace from the penned doodle. I wanted to use the entire paper, though, so I enlarged the head. I didn't quite have the details of his uniform ironed out, though, so I used the sketch to rather messily play around. And me using this as a reference, I was able to make this: There's a few things missing/wrong in my handwritten notes (for instance, the bolt's color is blue, for good, not yellow, for neutral; I didn't mention more of the anatomical flaws), but this is the current design for Davos. You can see the blunders, in that I couldn't draw the staff without losing all my lovely detailing, and that said staff is crooked rather than straight (price of going entirely freehand, I suppose), plus the abnormally-wide torso (if I shrank it, I think he'd be much closer to being proportionally perfect), but I absolutely love this design for him. It's artistically...appealing. It's sharp, yet sleek, simple to draw with practice, yet complex enough to be eye-catching...I really think that I've built something special. It's him as I envisioned him. He's come a long way from the sprite art he started as. In fact, have a look. That little guy, that little sprite, was how Davos started out. This being his default childish expression. I had in mind for years (December 25th will mark the fifth anniversary of his creation) this, and bringing it out. The spiked hair, the staff, the boots, the shoulderpads, the armor, the basic design in sprite form was there, but it was very rudimentary, not very well-defined, and there's so many ways he could have been interpreted. And now, not at the hand of someone else, but at my own, I have created a Davos that to me...fulfills every aspect of his character, plus the little add-ons that got attached along the way. The white gloves, the scarf, the armguards, they all gave his character an extra "flair" that felt vampiric, and given the addition of the leg armor, I basically got the design I've always wanted for him. I've said to other artistic depictions of Davos, "That is Davos". But those were other artistic depictions, be it a program or fanart. This one is all me, entirely my own design. (Albeit taking obvious cues from outside sources. Have to balance originality and practicality; designs that are too original would be infeasible to actually wear not to mention draw. Plus some people come up with cool ideas, and it's hard to reject them simply because it was their idea before my own. Still, though, entirely DRAWN by me, and having the exact design dictated by me.) I'll be trying to color him now that I have him, but it also reminded me that I've got other characters to give redesigns to. Argus has a design I'm quite happy with, but I need to actually do it from start to finish; last time, I cut corners (albeit still making an awesome image; variants of said image are still in rotation to this day as my avatar in some places) and used a process that's by my current artistic standards obsolete. Aria I mostly redesigned but didn't quite finish; I should do that. Sasha, I have sort-of redesigned in doodles, but I need to make it official and keep it as simple as I can. Sanik, Tyra, Sarge, M, Kinas, Sinaer, Nathan, and Enlecar I haven't consistently designed for in ages. I've made up story justifications for their outfits being artistically impractical in certain areas, but it'll be easier if I can simply redesign them in a manner similar to what I've done with Davos. And I haven't designed Lord Demon or Indigo Montimer since their doodles. Their teammates (which I seriously need to stop forgetting the names of) have sprites, but haven't actually been designed at all. So basically, what I'm saying is that drawing-wise, I'm one down, and have fifteen to go. But I want to color Davos first, and make him as stunningly gorgeous artistically-wise as I can. Butyeah, got some work to do. Good news!
I finally found the chance to get the images I wanted scanned! And they were. And I got them onto my flashdrive to transfer. ...Bad news. Something on my computer glitched. The desktop disappeared. (As in, it's there, but all the icons are gone.) I thought I might have somehow accidentally killed explorer, but I brought up task manager, and it's running. Twice, even. (Though I just now tried killing both of them, and neither is dieing.) The bar at the bottom is gone, too. You know, the bar that has all your pinned tasks, where you can bring up the start menu, where the sidebar of things shows, and whatnot? Yep, there's a gap at the bottom of my screen where it's supposed to be. So those scans will have to wait until I can fix whatever broke. |
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