...But I have six minutes as I type this (going on five) left, and I don't think that's going to be enough time to write anything of note. Whoops. Ah, well. I was busy. Busy doing stuff. Lots of stuff. Stuff I'm still doing, actually, stuff I need to get back to. I've got a ton of deadlines to deal with at the moment, and that means I'm not exactly in the spot where I have that much to talk about.

Sorry.

Maybe tomorrow, I won't be so rushed?

I learned that my club won't be doing its glow-in-the-dark dance for the first time since...
...Since the glow-in-the-dark-dance began, actually. That dance was around before I was a member of the club. I wouldn't know when it started, exactly. But it's been literally years. It has been a thing. THE thing of my club. (I also won't receive any more glow-in-the-dark bracelets, which is problematic for my confidence levels, but that's a sidenote of the issue.)

The reason given?
Because it wasn't very profitable last year.

I don't think the new wave of members understand what that dance stood for.

It wasn't for the profit. That was something which was good for the club, yes, but it wasn't something the club really needed from the event.

The glow-in-the-dark dance represented our club showing off. It represented us hosting a party. It represented us presenting ourselves to the whole square dance world: "This is our club. This is what we do for fun. This is our event, and we are here to share it with you."

The dance represented the heart and the soul of the club. Something to have fun. Every club has or had their own unique event. Some of them are newer than others. Some of them span back literally years. But every club eventually gained their own unique event. Each event had its own quirk to it. Each event had something appealing, a catch, a hook, to reel people in, to draw them in, to fill the dance floor, and get people across three states and two countries to attend no matter the distance.

And I don't think the current club members understand this, that the unique club dance represents the health, the livelihood, of a club. We've been limping along the last few years, that much is true. But by not hosting a dance, it's about the same as saying "we're not going to be successful anymore". It's a resignation of defeat, one step short of the whole club folding.

And I'm just...not happy at it. Sad, even. It's disheartening to see this thing which was part of my childhood, a highlight of most years, now be gone, because...because it just was something which deserved to stay around. It deserved to still be run. I'm not sure how I can put this to words. I'm emotional, and not in a good way.

In very, very polite language, I was basically chastised by my tae kwon do teacher telling me that I need to get in shape. That I need to be physically fit. These are things that I, myself, do eventually want, sure enough...

...But how can I explain to her they're not things I want right now? How can I explain to them they're not my top priority? How can I explain to her that I'm actually afraid of doing those? I know that they'd be difficult. It'd be physically painful and exhausting and hard--inertia is something which is incredibly challenging to overcome.

Yet that's not my issue at all. My issue is that, basically...I don't want to be buff. I don't want to have toned muscles. I don't want to have a physique. I don't want to actually look male. I know that plenty of girls have toned bodies--heck, my teacher is among them. Yet, their muscles look like buff muscles in a feminine way.

(On another note--that's something incredibly hard to get right as an artist. I've seen a manga artist for a seinen series draw a buff female which was exactly right, but it's a rarity. You either get them too slender, or you get them too buff and unrealistic. Google searching isn't exactly the most reliable of sources, either, as they get you images which fall into one of those two categories: too subtle to be noticed, or too blatant to be believable-as-natural.)

Like. You can just kinda tell. Realistic male buff muscles look different from realistic female buff muscles. And...I really like my, so to speak, porcelain figure. I'm relatively smooth. Sure, there's some excess fat in places. (Yes I'm underweight, but that doesn't stop me from having flab on among other places my legs.) Sure, there's probably some form of muscles present, there, too, muscles beyond the norm.

But I look like a stick. And I like looking like a stick, because it's better than the alternatives. Gaining too much fat would make the fat go to areas which are distinctly male. Gaining too much muscle would make me look to male. It's an appearance thing. I don't want to feel male.

I know that I'll face difficulties with physical activity eventually when I start to transition--but I am okay with that. And when I do start to transition, I wouldn't mind staying physically active. In fact, that'd probably be a good thing. Yet. How do I find a way to tell my tae kwon do instructor...I'm waiting for this big thing before I begin to be fit?

How can I tell her that, thanks to my dysphoria, I don't want to actively pursue becoming physically fit until I can be the me I want to be? I try to focus on techniques. I try to focus on teaching. I try to focus on the non-physical stuff, and to spend my time doing every task except for that.

It's just...a lose-lose situation.

I did a rather lovely sketch of Ruby's archangel form earlier--it was flawed, but it still was something I was overall fairly happy with. And yesterday, I managed to do one of the two sketches I had planned: the frost dragon form for Whitney. I mean, I botched her wings, and messed up on her body proportions (she's slim and tall, neither of which is conveyed in the image), but I otherwise made a beautiful drawing.

I also have in mind an evil Hannah sketch I want to get done, which would be interesting because I've never actually drawn Hannah. Yesterday was one of my first times drawing Whitney for that matter. I don't really have a lot to talk about otherwise. It snowed recently--it snowed a lot. So much so, that I inconveniently lost power last night. But conveniently, this meant my appointment today was canceled, meaning more free time to do stuff.

I mean, I never do everything I need to do, but I feel FAR less behind now than I did before, so.

​Progress!

Never fun.
Least of all when you have to face severe dysphoria.

​At least it wasn't all bad. I went and spent some time getting stuff for Red Hood Rider done. Albeit stuff that won't appear for a long, long time. Specifically, I outlined each rider's Super Mode, each rider's evolved weapon, each rider's upgraded power, and each rider's unique special ability.

In this case, D.D.'s super mode (which is actually the first super mode shown in-comic!) is Phoenix Flame: her body becomes pure fire, and she sprouts feathered wings of fire. Her evolved weapon is, as previously established, the Behemoth Blade. All riders gain new powers and abilities, but her most notable upgraded power is her mini-nuke. And as previously established, her special ability is basically a form of stealth.

Whitney's super mod is Frost Dragon (which I want to draw today), where her helmet transforms to become more beastly and dragon-like, gaining icy spike protrusions, a blue/green (not quite cyan) eye visor, her arms become icy and fuse with her weapons, which transform to be two gunblades made of ice (longswords which can shoot ice spikes), and she gains frozen bat wings. I don't think she gains any weapons, but then again, she's the most experienced of riders anyway. Similarly so for powers. Her special is, as established, her cloaking ability/sniper mode.

Vili's one of the ones I need to figure out a super mode for. Her weapon is the true form of her shooting star spirit totem, a clawed gauntlet. She gains a lot of powers, but the signature one I'm naming (or renaming) Divine Star, basically a supercharged blast of pure focused energy. Her special ability is, as established, her rifle.

Gary's super, I'm thinking is just his Gaia's Wrath form, but maybe done without needing Hannah/Sally. His weapon would be the jet sword, the focused water basically cutting through intense psi. He gains various powers, but the main upgrade he has is the wave-based powers, like sound. His special is, as established, his healing water.

Sally's super, I blogged about before, but it would be her beehive/queen bee ability with the drone swarm. Her weapon would be turning her threads monomolecular. She doesn't really gain any notable powers, but she grows in a lot of ways so I'm not going to go out of my way to give her some signature power. Her unique special ability is her spirit totem being used as a beam sword when she's not transformed.

Hannah's super, similar to Gary's, would probably just be a more permanent Gaia's Wrath form. I don't think she needs an evolved weapon, especially since said form grants her a really good shield, and she doesn't exactly like fighting in the first place. She explicitly doesn't really gain much in the way of powers, but that's because she's one of the strongest riders already. Her unique power was, as noted, her Unlimited Canvas ability.

Amy's got no super, and I think I'm okay with that, because she unlocks the group super. (Sentinel mode.) I don't think she gains a weapon, but I don't think she needs to gain one. If I think there's a weapon missing from my cast, I'd probably give it to her, but I've covered my bases pretty thoroughly. (I suppose this would allow me to use that twisted sword design?) If I gave her a special unique ability, I don't remember, but it'd be listed with the other powers above when I originally blogged about them, so I'd have to check there.

And Ruby, of course, has her three super modes (more than the others because "duh, Chosen One?"). Arbalest Armor (defensive, but very good offense anyway), Archangel (offensive, but still very good defense), and Dark Messiah (vampire/darkness powers). Her weapons involve various bows, her staff, her claws, and eventually dual monomolecular whips of her own. While she has many various abilities, the only one of real note she unlocks is the sunburst/supernova shot. And, obviously, her special ability is to remain in female form without any magical fatigue.

Most of this is just review, but it's good to have all in one place. (Which would, ideally, be a word document. But here on my blog works, too, I guess.)

Not much happening, even though a ton should be happening. I got up late--not as late as I'd like. Was very restless, waking up multiple times before then. Dreams were good, reality felt like it wouldn't be. So I kept on trying to sleep. Then failed.

I've still got a ton of work to do, including...actual work.
Things aren't progressing, even though they should be.

I may be able to make better progress in the future, but I might not be.

Also, I've been tired recently.
A lot, honestly.

Just. Exhausted. Lacking energy. Maybe related to how little sleep that I feel like I'm getting.
But. It's not even 9 PM and I already feel like going to bed. I know I don't have reason to stay up, after all. And I'm dreading that tomorrow's Sunday. Real work time, then.

And I'm also disappointed that my February goal for my webcomic was thrown utterly out the window, because it's February and here I am.

I'm just...feeling. Like. Like a disappointment, I guess.

I'm dreading the appointment coming on Monday. But maybe I actually need it, to focus on...refocusing on stuff that's not so negative.

Sorry that I'm not really coherent right now. That I'm all gloomy and moody and stuff. I'm doing what I can, promise, to improve. But right now it's not easy. It's hard. Really hard.

That being, Groundhog Day. Always a pleasure to watch.
Then we went on to watch two episodes of Andromeda. Fifth season, fourth disc, first two. They were...well, even for the fifth season, in a word: not good. Oh well.

You know, those days? The days where you just...don't want to get up and do anything?
I kinda woke up the first time today before noon. And then went to bed. I was cold. Still tired. Didn't want to get up. At 2:30, I forced myself to do so because I knew that there was stuff needing to be done, especially given that tonight's a family night.

It was...not done happily. I still kinda...just. Want to be in bed. And not do anything, except sleep. Right now, my dreams are really vivid and creative and innovative for the most part. I'm dreaming of wondrous scenarios, full stories. Sometimes, okay, often, with a little bit of a grim twist, and some infinite loops, but nothing which I am really bothered by. The most bothersome thing is when the realization kicks in that I'm dreaming, and instead of entering a lucid dreaming state, my body is jolted awake jarringly.

That feeling is actually painful. Physically painful, to be in a dream and then ripped out of it suddenly. The dream world vanishes. It disappears suddenly. I was fully immersed in it, deep-dreaming, and being torn out of it forcefully and entirely accidentally is not a pleasant experience.

Normally, when I realize I am dreaming (basically, it only takes so many loops, so many repeats, before the realization settles in that the little variations aren't happening organically), I can turn it lucid. I can direct the flow. "Okay. I'm dreaming. I was going along with the flow, but you just got caught in an infinite loop. Time to break it." Force the dream to progress, like a youtube video with a bad buffering setting being manually overridden such that instead of repeating a scene I move on.

That not happening, and instead me being shocked away, is especially bad when I wanted to be in the dream. I wanted to be dreaming. I might not have been happy it was lucid, but I was happy with the dream. And wanted it to continue. Not...be lost forever. When I exit a dream, it's nearly impossible to reenter that same dream. I can enter different dreams. This happens naturally during the night, where I dream 2-3 different things on average per night. If my sleep is disturbed, I can resume it easily enough. Yet the dream world is fragile, and shatters its scenario, forcing my subconscious to build an entirely new realm for me to explore.

I'm just...generally not really happy being awake right now. I know I need to be. But those dreams are appealing. And having even them denied to me is disheartening. I'm being forced to be awake when I don't want to be. Not just consciously, but subconsciously. It sucks.

...And normally I'd only have a 50% chance of even being awake, given it's not even 1 PM yet. All the same, I have a ton to talk about. So, today was a dentist appointment. I went in expecting to go all, "Damage report", but much to my surprise, I was given a relatively clean bill of health: no cavities, no areas I was told to watch, nothing except advice for my dry, cracked lips to take a vitamin supplement, and to continue flossing, which they made easier by giving me a flossing gizmo.

On the drive there, I got an absolutely perfect playlist. It started out with Numb, by Linkin Park. The lyrics there are eerily good to apply to my life, especially in regards to my dad. Just listen:
I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless,
Lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly,
Afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.

​Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
And every second I waste is more than I can take.

And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me,
With someone disappointed in you.

(Admittedly the last part is speculation on my part, in regards to how my dad was treated by his dad, but I figure that my dad got his tendencies from somewhere.)

Now, the parts about disappointment might not apply right now.
And my dad doesn't think he holds expectations of me.

But what he is expecting is for me to be 'male', and that, I am not. That means I'm tired of being what he wants me to be, and tired of feeling bad about it, and tired of all the doubt and guilt I have, tired of living the lie, of being something I will never be. It's just something I kinda tune out, but that's because I have the awareness I do. I want to be me, not him. And whether he realizes it or not, he has smothered me, he has held his bigotry tightly, and is rather controlling (even if you would never know this initially), and while what he wants me to be hasn't fallen apart, if I ever came out to him, it would be. He would call my steps forward mistakes, and my time with him is wasteful, with it being painful for me to take.

I could end up failing, but I'm going to at least try.

The other two songs played was a cover of Sweet Dreams, which I've always thought makes a decent metaphor for a typical mafia game: some want to use others (mafia), some want to be used (colloquially the term used is 'sheep'), the game can get a bit abusive, some do it intentionally and some expect it to be done. Plus, in an online setting, it takes place across the world and the seven seas, with players from all six inhabited continents.

And the third song was Dream On, by Aerosmith. Lots of the lyrics in that song are appealing to me in ways, though there's obviously the 'dream on, until your dreams come true' part which is a central theme of my life. 

On a not so pleasant note, the day started with my sister saying the following:
"I was asked by one of the families I teach if I had a sister, who worked at the Y. Turns out they weren't talking about you. You don't look like a girl."

...If only she knew.
Sometimes I feel glad that, in my autism, I respond to basically all comments with a dull face, a dull response, and a dull overall appearance. It might make conversing with me difficult...but I tell you, if I had the social range of a normal person, in terms of how I'd respond, it'd be literally impossible to keep my emotions in check.

That comment cut deeply. Not just a little, but a lot.
Ow.

Also, I'm alone in a house filled with unhappy animals. Our kitten's wearing the cone of shame, and she's absolutely miserable in it. Our dog also isn't pleased. They keep expecting me to do something, yet...I can't do anything to help them. Which makes it all the more painful on me.

I'll stay strong somehow though.

My kitten's fairly miserable, but talking about that isn't exactly something I want to do much about. Instead, have a short mini-ramble on my part. One thing that I've always held is the belief in gloves having one of two purposes: well-constructed, they can be either incredibly good power amplifiers or incredibly good power nullifiers. Poorly constructed, and they just become hindrances, distributing power incoherently.

In a way, this stems from my belief. This may or may not be backed up by the actual chakra systems that are traditionally mapped out (which I know is a thing), but intuitively, I just kinda know without needing to be told: there's chakra points in the palms, and somewhere on each finger. (I think on the part of the finger which is the part that actually grabs stuff and such? The side fingerprints are taken from? Forget what the technical term would be.)

Good gloves can be designed to either amplify those, or nullify them. Power nullifiers are important for people who have immense power and need a way to bring it down forcefully. Power amplifiers are rarely needed, strictly speaking, but can help to focus and increase the energy output from the magic being used through the hands.

Incidentally, when I wear gloves, I categorize them. Funnily enough, a power nullifier glove doesn't take much to become a power amplifier glove, and vice-versa. Their construction just intuitively feels like it helps or hinders flow, and I can figure out what would make it do the opposite.

Now, poorly constructed gloves, on the other hand, are gloves that just randomly disperse the energy chaotically. Instead of actually nullifying it, and instead of actually amplifying it, it just causes them to run amok. I can tell when this is the case for a glove, but I can't really tell how to fix it and turn it into an amplifier/nullifier.

Of course, while I can guess by looking at a glove, the only way for me to 100% know what a glove is, is to feel it on my hand. The materials used can make a difference. The form and fit of the glove can make a difference. And I do all of this without thinking about it.

It's another of those mind's eye type things, the things connected to the other realms, which I talked about a few days ago. I just kinda...instinctively categorize them. Right now, I have a glove which is a rather nice power nullifier. But this is a glove type which can easily have a hole torn in the fingers--when it decays to that point and the fingers stick through, it'll go from nullifier to amplifier.

Incidentally, this is why both Ruby and Vili have their fingerless gloves designed the way they are. Ruby's has a square hole, Vili's a rounded hole, but both have the hole in the palm for the same reason--discharge of magical energy, made easier. (Vili also can change her weapon into a gauntlet, which obviously, serves as a glove which is a power amplifier.)

Soyeah. While this is something that applies to Red Hood Rider, it also applies to my life in general. I wish I actually had some sort of more advanced learning in this field, rather than just intuitive feelings, instinctive vibes as to these concepts.