I'm not really feeling up to it, but I do wanna explain it.
Basically, while I don't have a vaccine yet, 2-3 weeks after being fully vaccinated, I intend to publicly come out.

This is for a combination of reasons.
Nothing changing in my life and looking like nothing will.
Crippling depression leaving me feeling intensely alone and feeling I lack a legacy.
And mostly, having analyzed the situation and realized my one reason to not do so, my father, is...not something I need to wait on anymore. I don't need to wait for him to die with him basically half way there due to his own incompetence anyway.

He's old, he's fat, he refused to change his way of life and now he's literally a cripple who waddles rather than walks, uses support to stand up, and just...doesn't scare me much anymore.

I should​ explain more, but...this'll have to do.

Actually quite important stuff to blog about!

Unfortunately I am an idiot who instead of writing this blog at the time put it off until very late at night where I am very hungry and also rather tired, so I need to eat dinner then go to bed.

Today might've been better a bit, still a long ways to go tho.

...But today at least felt​ better.

Physically, I'm mostly fine, except for struggling to eat the amount my body is hungry for (my body is telling me that I am hungry for more, my stomach is telling me that I'm already past full, it's a divide caused by some form of digestive tract issue), but mentally? Not so much.

​Just...not up to stuff now.

Blegh. Just not well in any feeling today.

​Hopefully tomorrow's better.

So I'm somewhat vulnerable to a strain injury in my hands, especially the right one (tho it can happen to the left, too).
It's due to overuse of them, especially repetitive repeated motions--a la the usage of them when playing video games.

I pull my keyboard stand out a bit as to give my hand the best positioning possible (well, I do this when I notice the issue starting, to help prevent it or rather to to at least delay it), I use a gaming mouse, I suspect that the gloves I wear might also help some, so I do a lot to try and prevent it.

But when you play a game for four hours and the game requires repetitive and rapid back and forth wrist movements using your mouse to rapidly dash from one side to the other side and back with occasional clicks and there's no interruptions, the stress builds up.

And once it builds up, it can take days to actually heal fully.

Kinda sucks, because I was having fun. The Kongregate badge of the day for Friday (which is tomorrow, but as it's technically past midnight, I can earn it today) is for a game that I never discovered until now, a game called Tesla8. The thing that makes it so amazingly addicting is that it basically is combining the mechanics of Breakout (one of my favorite games of all time, at least one variant of it, which I have tremendous nostalgia for and which I had to have logged like 50-200 hours in), in that you're breaking blocks with balls you bounce, with what amounts to a top-down (I think that's the term for it, as in, not side-scrolling from left to right or right to left, with enemies appearing from the top and you at the bottom) ship shooting game that's partially bullet hell but also combines the space invader / turret defense mechanic of if one of the blocks getting through, you die, but allowing you to upgrade.

I'm strong enough right now to semi-reliably get to the boss and in theory fight the boss, but I was in the process of grinding out for some extras. (I want to get things maxed out or close to.) Sadly, my wrist injury kicked in from this strain so I had to stop.

It's a bummer, but that's the consequences of not being young while also being a gamer. Repetitive usage of your hand is legit something that does indeed inhibit gamers, even professional ones. You literally have people who play video games for a living end up with the type of injury I have, and have medically mandated breaks for it specifically due to how much damage it can cause.

This time I don't have any excuse; I just didn't do anything productive today. I'll say that playing stardew valley was fun and I accomplished much, buuuuuut, fun as it was, it wasn't productive and thus. I did nothing because I was playing it. I don't consider "I played Stardew Valley and it was fun" to be a valid excuse, tho, so a loss of a day. OH WELL, no regrets.

As in a day that I did nothing in.
But given that it's a Tuesday, that's to be expected; I'm always dead tired and unable to do anything but the bare minimum.

Even were I able to, weebly was so "kind" as to log me out mid-blog and not safe it at all in spite of me doing the technique which should save the blog.

No worries tho--normally when I am ranting about weebly, it means I lost a blog and have to retype it.
While I technically did lose a blog and technically did have to retype it, it's...uhhh...literally the first two lines of this blog; in fact while most of my lost blogs were better/longer in the first draft...this retype is actually longer than the original, so I've no reason to really keep the rant up.

So narrow avoidance of weebly getting a long rant from me.

​But, bed should claim me now. Am not awake.

Whooooops!
Legit thought I was blogging, aside from the one day that my computer needed an emergency "go into sleep for the whole night". That one I knew I missed, unavoidably so. But I thought I was blogging other days.

Ah well.
It happens.

Anyway, today's been incredibly productive.
It may not seem so productive to have done a lot of work in minecraft (tho I did so!), but the real productivity has been in my art.

In that I am actually doing it.

For the last two days, yesterday Sunday and today Monday, I have been working on an art drawing. It's fully digital, and given the nature of the drawing, I did cheat a little. It's meant to be a self-portrait...but modified to include some clothing that I am considering buying/wearing once I get a chance to go out into the world. (Ideally, I get vaccinated first. And because clothes often cost 20-60 dollars each and I need 2-3 each ideally, I also have a job first. I currently am neither.)

The items: knee-high athletic socks (technically I already own a pair but I want more than one and for it to be normal wear rather than wear specific to specific shoes like it is right now), an aesthetic knee brace, and a thigh band.

Considering potentially adding in earrings, too, not sure on that.

The drawing is coming along relatively well, including me having a breakthrough (actually multiple breakthroughs in rapid succession) in drawing my hazel eyes. My eyes are notoriously hard to draw because how do you capture the color of an eye that is a different color in different lighting and can be blue, green, yellow, brown, gray, and more? Well I managed to figure it out!

​So it's pretty good.

Granted, art like this isn't the most productive for long-term goals. I'm no closer to making Phyrra and Cyrus from it, for instance.

But it feels nice to make given the personal nature of it and it is very much not a waste of time. It's not a personal video game; it's art, and art is always worth it.

My main regret: instead of streaming these breakthroughs and my art process, I was doing this art while watching streams. (Well, listening. Hard to watch while also drawing.) You might wonder why I mention streaming.

Because that's a thing that I have done now.

It was only one hour.
It was messy, spontaneous.
But it felt so good to do, and dipping my toes in has gotten me a thirst for more.
I won't be doing it immediately, but soon, very soon, I will be streaming more because I did it once and I know I can do it now.