...I really struggle with actually seeing any possible path forward to actually follow and listen to their advice.

To give an idea, they have basically four or so messages they keep giving over and over again.

They keep telling me to focus on my creative drive, to write. Good advice, but every time I try to write, I end up unable to. I end up too tired, too exhausted, too burnt out, too overwhelmed. 

I struggle to be inspired, I struggle to find the time, I struggle to really write. I've written a few songs, to be sure, and done some background work on my novel, and brainstormed more in my head, all of which matters and isn’t nothing, but the small amount I’m doing sure isn’t the amount I’m being encouraged to do. They say it's alright, small steps are still steps, progress is still progress, but they want me to be dedicated in my writing as a serious, continuous project. And it isn’t. 

Mostly because I am just too tired and overwhelmed and paralyzed and frozen. Depression, ADHD, and burnout all sap the creative energy from me. Which is where the second recurring message comes in:
"Rest. You need to do whatever it takes to recover."

And I try, but I can never get enough rest. No matter how much I rest, I never get recharged enough to be energized and encouraged to write.

It’s understandable how I can’t write on work days, due to how exhausting they are (to the point I haven’t written my complaint to them about a policy contradiction despite it being something I should've done weeks ago once I spotted it), but I only work three days a week. 

And, yeah, my days off aren’t purely rest. Wednesdays are food bank days. Fridays are usually both errands days and family night visits. Saturdays and/or Sundays are often either catchup errands and/or special events we like to attend such as witches markets and haunted farmers markets and oddball emporium markets.

And I do have chores. Namely, cleaning the apartment of trash, putting recyclables in the recyclables bag, taking the full trash out, hand-washing dishes, loading/unloading the dishwasher and running it, in theory putting clean laundry away (I haven’t for months and that’s my fault), feeding the puppy, playing with the puppy, and taking the puppy O-U-T.

But those errands and chores are things which HAVE to be done. As in, literally cannot live without them being done. Someone has to do them, and it would be unfair to put them all on my wife given my wife already does half of the chores and is responsible for planning and handling the scheduling of errands.

It’s my opinion we currently have an approximately 50/50 split on the workload of errands and chores. I can’t ask my, equally disabled as I am, wife to do my share just because I'm not getting enough rest, because they also aren’t getting enough rest and I can’t ask them to get even less.

So, we can’t realistically get more rest than we do, but we do the best we can to rest in every way. (Outings for instance might be draining in some ways but recharge in other ways, and resting at home covers the areas drained by outings, so we mix the two as best we can.)

And that amounts to a whole lot of...well, basically, rotting on the bed. All day, aside from mandatory upkeep and said errands/chores. I stay in bed and do nothing except sleep, watch what my wife's watching or doing, and vibe in twitch streams. With the occasional bit of gaming, if I'm up for it. (I'm often not, and my computer and laptop are both often not, either.)

This, despite how we've received a 30 day eviction notice of "pay $3569 or vacate the premises" as of this Monday, we have nowhere to go, we have not pursued legal action yet, I haven’t pursued better working conditions, we haven’t gotten any leads on jobs, we haven’t pursued other life things, etc.

Rotting on the bed is basically all I do to rest--and the thing about it is, it mostly works! Kinda sorta, at least. Paired with properly eating and properly taking care of hygiene and other bodily needs, bed rest is precisely the required rest I need to be recharged. 

So over and over again, I'm encouraged to keep resting like that, and to not feel guilty about it. That’s the third reoccurring message. Not to feel guilty about what I didn’t do, what I'm not doing, and what I continue to do. 

Which is easier said than done when facing eviction, and feeling like living situation is continuing to degrade, and ability to live life is being continuously reduced by work demanding more, cost of living increasing, disabilities worsening, and that triple combo causing all three to worsen due to an inability to tackle any of them thanks to the other two. 

And that brings me to the fourth reoccurring message. They are chastising me for simultaneously withdrawing into myself and not asking for help, while also feeling like I am already asking for too much help.

And it’s hard not to feel like I have already asked for too much help. I've asked far too much of my wife. Anyone who knew everything I've asked of my wife would agree I have placed far too great a burden on them.

I've asked too much of my family. They've literally given me tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars in the last couple of years to try and keep me afloat despite my living conditions being unsustainable. They give me every bit of food and other resources that they think I might be able to use, and anything I ask for, they often give, if able to. 

I've asked too much of friends. I've vented endlessly about my worsening work conditions, my worsening rent conditions, and financial struggles. The emotional burden is endless, and there’s also the financial burden where they already donated as much as they could, and it wasn’t enough. 

I literally wrote a letter I called my "final call for help", to friends, to strangers on the internet, to anyone who could listen.

But it’s never been enough. The help I needed hasn’t come in a way which has actually given me and my wife any form of stability. A couple of friends have given potential resources, which I have been too drained to pursue, and there's been signal boosting, but no solution. Nothing but temporary bailouts.

Delays of the inevitable disaster, never an actual end to it.

So my guides are right. There’s a guilt in me feeling like I am oversharing, and yet a need to keep sharing my struggles more, to reach out for help, because despite the burden it might be on my loved ones to hear of just how bad the struggle is...

...we need help.

Desperately. 

So yeah. My guides are right on the money on what I should be doing.

They just really suck at telling me how to actually manifest it.