...For once in a good way as it was draining because I was actually being productive but.
​Need sleep, hope I can keep the momentum into tomorrow.

As you might be able to tell by almost a solid week of no blog entries.

My mental health is at an all-time low.

I've at least slightly mitigated the damage by being somewhat active on twitter, with various comments, including actual notable breakthroughs.

My most notable breakthrough was in figuring out why when I tell others anything to the effect of, "I'm trash", and they tell me that I'm not, why in spite of their replies being sincere, they feel empty to me.

Basically, I figured it out, that the reason for this? Because they could say that to anyone. Anyone saying "I'm trash" would receive the reply of "you're not". It might be true! Because nobody who thinks they trash actually is. So while the statements might be true. That I'm not trash. And they truly believe them. They truly believe I'm not trash.

The issue is that they are a cookie cutter reply that could be said to anyone. I'm not trash because nobody is trash. True as that may be, it is the problem because it's not personalized.

A response that could be said to anyone being said to me isn't really a response to me, now, is it? For it to feel like it's a response to me...it needs to feel like a response to me that can't be said to anyone, that is specifically tailored to me.

I wanted to actually write a full blog delving into the finer details of that when I had the breakthrough.

But.

I can't manage much of anything.

I'm managing to...basically fail at everything right now.

I've set my date of coming out. The 25th of this month.

I'm on the verge of making the single largest biggest change in my life that I can; coming out publicly.

Instead of working on it.

I've done.

​Nothing.

I tried to do art.

But I couldn't make something I wanted to make.

So.

Just.

Waste.

I'm sleeping.
I'm surviving.
But I'm doing nothing more than the bare minimum and often not even that, as my lack of blogs has shown.

You might be able to tell.

I've been rather unkind to myself and in a very bad mental state.

But I don't know how to not be.

My depression is literally consuming me right now. Eating me up. Swallowing me. And I've...no answer to it. Just. Am being. Crushed by it. Consumed by it.

I've forgotten how to be happy.

I said it in a tweet, but.

In the battle between the depression of "you're trash" and the happiness of "you are a strong, powerful woman".

I know the latter has beaten the former before.

But I genuinely can't remember the last time it did.

Because right now it's nothing but the former.

So I'm not exaggerating.

I've forgotten the last time I was confident and optimistic and cheerful and idealistic and happy.
I know I have been. It's happened before. Weeks ago, maybe months ago, but it's happened before, many times.
Just.

Not recently.

And right now it's so bad, so clouding, so consuming.

That I legit.

Am serious.

​I've forgotten what it's like to be happy.

It was a multi-layered one, taking inspiration from sources such as Celeste and Inception, being dreams within dreams with, ultimately, at the end, allegory between two women who are the same woman, just different aspects of her, and at the dream's end, I realized it was an allegory for my life.

I don't remember the exact details of the dream. Just the general vague sense that through all the doom and gloom to be had, that there was that coming to terms, to peace, with oneself and moving forward with strength.

It gave me some cautious optimism.

Speaking of cautious optimism, tomorrow is my second dose of the vaccine. Here's to hoping things go well.

I'm continuing to go through the beginning motions of preparing to come out publicly in real life. It continues to be daunting; it continues to be scary; it continues to be something I feel woefully inadequately prepared for. But I am committed to doing it so I am trying to move forward with this.

I drafted out my coming out post.

I did drop a link to my blog in it, not that it'll actually get anyone reading this blog (nobody does), but hey, if it does end up happening and if someone actually checks out my entries for the month I came out, uhhhh...hi there, I guess.

If you read around, you'll find I have some rather...choice words...for a lot of things. I'm somewhat...strongly opinionated, and quite vocal about it.

Also you'll find that a lot of entries are "uhg I'm tired today" and "I suck" because I have been very very badly depressed, today no exception. The only thing stopping this from being another 'I suck' entry is that today was the day I did that draft. Lacking it, all I want to say today is how much I do suck.

See also, I suffer from bipolar disorder which thanks to the pandemic seems to be nearly permanently stuck on the depression half.

Last week there was demoting from Platinum IV to Gold III in tft (which I've yet to climb out of), yesterday there was my computer blue screen of deathing on me and then my 82+ hour save file for Chrono Trigger being gone. Erased, completely vanished, disappeared, kaput.

Today I managed to reclaim ~1/3rd of my progress, buuuuuuut, as I was preparing to do more for the night everything began to lag on me. My CPU is at 10%; my memory at 40%. It doesn't get much lower than that (for comparison, the normal memory is in the 60-70% range, never higher but also usually never lower).

Chrono Trigger began to lag, but even after I closed it, things like the stream I was watching were lagging and my computer just seemed to be...

...Well, struggling.

So I'm going to write this blog, then put my computer to sleep, and hope that a proper night's sleep is enough to make it be better.

I am returning for the second time in my life to my roots of my happiest best memory times, for a total of having been the third time total.

What is this about?

It was a bathroom thought I just made the realization on.

So let's give you some backstory.

Back in the day, I was addicted to Artix Entertainment games. I was literally a DragonFable Beta tester, and was playing well before then. MechQuest when it came out, Adventure Quest Worlds when it came out, Dragon Lord, MechQuest purchased, etc.

I was on the forums for Artix Entertainment, the (rather archaic) Battleon Forums.

This location was one of my first two internet homes, and where the name of mastina traces its origins to.

Eventually, I ended up in the writing forum. I wanted to post stories online, and did so rather prominently.

But eventually, I grew more attached to reading the stories of others and supporting them on theirs. I was actively giving my best attempts at critiques (they weren't good in hindsight), I was actively commenting, I was consuming their content and trying to support them because I enjoyed what they were doing.

That came to a halt after the site was blocked by my parents eventually, but it was a highlight of my life I won't forget as it is how I got my first online friends.

​The second time something like this happened was much later.

On ComicFury.
I wanted to create webcomics.

I did so.

But I kept on consuming the content of others.

I did support some big time names and read big time comics, but I also went out of my way to support and advertise the small-time webcomics. Newer comics, being their first commenter/subscriber. Obscure comics, finding them and loving them. Leaving comics, supporting them. I would let others know about them and give detailed writeups about everything I loved about them.

I ended up crashing and burning, because I couldn't keep my own content up while also consuming the content of others and there was an ever-increasing amount that I was trying to consume, because I kept on trying to find the next big thing and give encouragement, support, love, etc., to them so that they would know their work was appreciated and that they were doing good and had a fan.

And I meant it. And I was happy. And I was very very good at it, too. I was a failure of a content creator, but I still loved to be actively engaging with folks on comics.

​Fast-forward to today and my realization.

These days, the platform of this mindset is twitch, the site I watch all the streamers I watch on.

It's not an exact repeat, because the chronology is slightly different, but the effect is still similar.

I will still watch big-time streamers with thousands of viewers, but I also love to engage with streamers with smaller communities numbering in the dozens or hundreds, including my favorite streamer.

But more than that--I am supporting people I've networked with, watching their streams, supporting them, talking with them, bonding with them, etc. Smaller, sub-50, often sub-20, viewer, streamers. Some who aren't even affiliates yet. I try to catch their streams (I can't always as I can only watch a maximum of two streams at the same time and so many people stream), and when I am there I am doing my best to engage with them, not to force it, not out of obligation, but because I sincerely, genuinely, want to be there.

After all, if I didn't want to be there--I'd have other streams I'd be going to. I chose them over those other streams tho because I legitimately wanted to be there with THEM because I like their vibe just that much more, where I am happy and content watching them and chilling with them and chatting when I can and so on and so forth.

​The similarity comes in the fact that I am also trying to get into streaming myself...but I am prioritizing watching the streams of others over streaming myself.

I am also developing an idea to, with the consent of the streamer in question, shoutout streams that I watch, an idea incredibly similar to how I would shout out webcomics I read, praising them for all the good. In this case, thanking them for making my days be brighter.

This could of course be a bad thing.
Both prior times ended up crashing and burning, after all.

But it could also be a good thing.

Because I know that I can make a difference, even if it's just by letting people know that, yes. I DO enjoy watching them. I DO enjoy being part of their communities. I DO want to see more of them and watch them and be there in their streams, chatting when I can, because they actually make my days be better, being worthy of thanks.

​Only time will tell, but I still thought it neat a parallel that I made.

A couple nights where I streamed I could maybe excuse no blog but a week of no blog with 5 of those days having no excuse? Not so much.

I'm just.

Not.

​Not good.