Thursday was acceptance. The feeling of it having happened, and having that understanding. Actions have consequences, and my decisions led me to a path where I gave up basically everything for the love of my life. (Still worth, though. They are the love of my life, and no cost, no loss, isn't worth it for them.)

Friday was sadness. The overwhelming feeling of all that I have lost.

And today? Today is "anger". It's not truly anger, per se, but I wanted to frame things in the 5 stages model which is nonlinear as my days are showing.

My 'anger' is more in the sense of, a persistent thought;
"I don't want them to get away with it all."
I don't want the streamer who we were critical of continue to have no criticism for their misuse of power.
I don't want the people who banded together against us to get away with pinning everything on us.
I don't want the people who were involved in reporting me and getting me removed from spaces, feel like my removal from those spaces is worth celebrating.

And I know. That is a bit of a toxic mindset, driven in large part by my shadow self's negativity, a desire for retribution for the feeling of having been wronged.

Still.

I want the results from this to be all the people who were willing to take action against us without talking to us first?
To be mortified about having silenced whistleblowers into silence.

And to be clear--that is exactly what we were.

My fiance and I have a disagreement about the streamer in question, the closest thing we have to a strong disagreement in our relationship. In most areas of our lives, we're in perfect unison, or near to. So when I say we are of two different mindsets towards this, that means a great amount for how large the divide is.

On my end, I developed my philosophy of "most people are good, but all people are flawed. Humans are imperfect, they have flaws, they make mistakes, but most are still good", loosely. And I developed it after these events unfolded last year, and applied it to the streamer in question. I believe them to be a good person, but like all humans, they aren't perfect; they have flaws. And those flaws, we were critical of, and led them to take action against someone which drove them to almost take their life and were only saved by my intervention--my fiance.

​Under my belief, they may be imperfect and have things to be critical of, including their handling of banning my fiance and spreading it across the entirety of twitch they have access to, but would still be a good person, who just acted imperfectly on imperfect information and had dire consequences that have led to harassment a full year later.

But, my fiance disagrees, and believes that the streamer in question is actually a bad person. My fiance doesn't think they are a good person who just has some flaws. My fiance believes the streamer in question is actually problematic, and that there was some level of selfishness or even malice involved in them taking their actions.

​However, regardless of which of us is correct, we spent five months with six of our friends having extensively been critical of the streamer in question, and were planning on going public about it before September of 2023. We were doing so out of a sense of trying to make things better, and were doing so out of a place of love.

​I've spent a lot of time reviewing the events of those five months, plagued by if I was making us be better than we were and we were more in the wrong than I thought, or if I was gaslighting myself by believing we were worse than we were when we actually were in the right. Basically, never sure if we were better, worse, or about as I think we were, in the past. My spirit guides have consistently said, "You are in the right ballpark." I'm not excusing my friend group of having done horrible things, nor am I gaslighting myself into thinking my friend group did horrible things when we were doing good things.

My outlook is loosely in the right ballpark, and that belief is more or less this.
We got into an echo chamber ironically complaining about the streamer in question having been an echo chamber. What I on this blog have deemed a "negative feedback spiral". We definitely saw flaws that were real, although how real is something we don't have any way of knowing.

Again, that's where a difference of opinion comes in. My fiance believes all the flaws we saw were real and bad and problematic because the streamer is problematic;
As much as I want to side with my fiance, I can't believe that myself; I believe that the flaws we saw were at least more real than not and existed, but the streamer is still a good person despite what we saw, because we were overly focusing on the negatives and being too critical and too harsh.

And we will never know the truth, which belief is right, unless it turns out that the streamer is in fact cancelled for being problematic.

Or if we went public about everything we know--but again. That would involve a big fight, a big public spectacle, a huge amount of time spent to out things, and then the harassment of those who don't believe us...even if we were. At this stage, we might have basically nothing to lose by going public and sharing things, but it would still involve losing people, and people who stay being harassed by those unreceptive to our viewpoint.

​Which, my fiance doesn't want to do anymore. They want to just move on in life. And while in some ways I can disagree with them, on that, I will be with them.

Still.

The fact remains.

All of the times we were removed from spaces.
Back in July when this happened to them, and drove them to write a suicide note and almost take their life, with me being the one person who saved them.
​Back in December, when I was myself driven to nearly kill myself, with my fiance being the only reason I lived.
Back in April, when we were both affected.
And now, now. At the end of June. Nearly a full year later.

We were going to be whistleblowers to problematic behaviors from a streamer.

And now, we're at least, for now, not going to. We have been silenced, at least for now.

And that's where the ""anger"" comes in. That's where the desire for those who got me removed to not be celebrating it comes in.
I want their reaction to not be the joy of removing a person they now view to be a terrible person.
I want their reaction to be horror that they threw away a close friend who was just trying to do the right thing, and then went on to band together in getting said ex-friend removed from spaces, all because that friend...was guilty of the crime of being in a position where she could blow the whistle on problematic behaviors from a streamer.

Today, I am having that desire.

Despite the fact that it would require my fiance to be right about the streamer in question.

If I am right, it will never happen, because we weren't in the right. We saw things to be critical of, but the person would still be good despite our criticisms, and thus there will be nothing to be horrified about and the people who wanted me removed will have no reason to regret their actions.

And...that's probably not a healthy mindset. To wish that my fiance is right about a streamer being a problematic piece of shit, and that everyone who took action against us is horrified they silenced would-be whistleblowers. Still, it's where I am at today.

That revelation will probably disappoint people. That I'm not better, better than to stoop to that level of thought. Or maybe validate those who wanted me removed--if I have the attitude above, then clearly it means I was a terrible person, a terrible friend, and getting me removed was the right decision.

But...I also didn't feel like holding these thoughts in, and I didn't feel like this was the sort of thing to vent to my few remaining friends about. They'd listen, to be sure, but they already know things I'm talking about here.

And I wanted to go public with at least this much.
It might confirm the worst to some, but it may also help others see that things are not as simple as they may otherwise be led to believe.

My fiance did not have a burn book server where we were shitting on people, but we were a part of a friend's server which had a channel where we were critical of a single streamer (and also, one of their mods), with criticisms towards the community as had been structured by the streamer in question.

We did this for five months, from March 21st 2023 until July 23rd, 2023, when the streamer in question found out about my fiance being involved in something, and acted on that information to get my fiance removed from every space they were in.
This drove my fiance to write out a suicide note, and knew how to do it, because they were driven to believe that if everyone thought they were a villain, maybe they were, and that the world would be better without them in it.

I saved their life--but in the process, I knew that by keeping them in my life, I was likely going to lose every space I was in which they were removed from.

​I thought it would happen back in August, but then it didn't. So we tried to heal, and move on. We were trying to just live our lives, rebuild, heal, and had no interest in whistleblowing.

But we have been continuously harassed, nearly a full year later still losing spaces we had been in because of what went down, despite all of the effort we have done to try and move on.
We have tried to reflect on the events and be honest about our mistakes and flaws involved.
We have tried to learn from it, and to not repeat the mistakes.
We have tried to rebuild, recover, and live our lives.

But we keep on being told, over and over again, that we are dangerous. That we need to be removed. That the mistakes were too dangerous, too harmful, to warrant being present in spaces. And all of this from people who allegedly say they want to hear people out. Yet instead of hearing us out and making an informed decision, they take action against us.

Even IF they were willing to hear us out after having taken action against us--and most have taken measures to ensure the decisions were final and not up for discussion--that they took action against us places us on the defensive. It places us in a state where we are emotionally compromised. Where we are being attacked, and are in the mindset of defending ourselves, which reduces our ability to be objective and measured and clinical in giving our accounts, sticking to the facts, laying out what we did, why we did it, etc.

And that's why I've been worn down enough to where I was willing to go public, despite thinking the streamer in question isn't problematic.

We have still received grief and troubles from an event which occurred last year.

A while back, we fell down the SWOOP pipeline, with a repeating line being "It's not drama. It's dangerous."
That my fiance has twice been left suicidal and myself left suicidal and we are still receiving harassment a year later lends credit to that.

And my fiance takes it a step further in believing the streamer in question used DARVO tactics, abusing their position of authority and influence to silence them about the issue, gaslighting everyone in the process, lying and manipulating to get them removed. (I may be wrong in some of this assessment, but at least some of it, they do.)

I certainly believe the streamer misused their power, particularly given they acted off of incomplete imperfect information and spread it to hundreds of communities. I'm not personally convinced it was an abuse, but I do believe that at minimum no matter how unintended or imperfect, that influence and position of power was misused.

And like...I get it. My own philosophy applies to both myself and my fiance. Despite my anxieties and imposter syndrome, deep down I do believe I am a good person, no matter what my depression-addled brain tells me. Just...not a perfect person. I know I have flaws, and am imperfect, and make mistakes.

Similarly so for my fiance. One of their potential flaws being a bitterness in believing they are right about the streamer in question being problematic and that literally nobody was willing to hear them out, not even their own friends. If the streamer in question is in fact not problematic, then my fiance's belief that they are would be a flaw. My fiance's bitterness would be a flaw. Among others. My fiance has made mistakes and mishandled situations and could be in the wrong, all flaws. And yet despite that they are still a good person.

And the same logic I apply to others applies to myself. We're not immune to criticism, and if we are flawed, if we are wrong, then we deserve to have actions taken against us. We're imperfect, we make mistakes, we don't always act correctly. We try our best, but we don't always succeed. We have failings. And despite us being good people...those actions have consequences, those failings carry a price.

So...particularly if the streamer in question is a good person...then our part in having been (in the case they are good) overly critical of them, does carry consequences, because we deserve to be held accountable for our failings.

​But like...among my flaws is wishing that my flaws would be "flaws", which don't actually exist, that I am better than I think, and that we were right. And that's what my ''anger'" today boils down to. A deep desire to have been right, to have not been in the wrong, to have not made mistakes, to have been trying my best to do the right thing, to have the actions taken against me be unjust, to have them be mistakes, to have my removal as something which people regret after learning what really went down last year.

I recognize it's a flaw. I recognize if I'm right about the streamer not being problematic, then my flaws are flaws. That we weren't right, or at least not entirely right. That we were in the wrong to do what we did. That we made mistakes, and deserve to be punished for having made those mistakes. That the actions taken against us are just, and people will never need to regret taking them because they were in the right to protect people from our flaws.

But...no matter how toxic it is, that's my mindset. Maybe fueled by my shadow, maybe just fueled by my selfishness, my hurt, my pain, how fresh the latest wound is. It's the mood today.

For now, the same I've always said applies.

If anyone wants to hear about the full story in private, we'll explain our perspective of events. (I don't like using the term "sides" because that implies there's a right or wrong. I don't think there is a right or wrong here. It's the most complicated complex situation I've ever had the moral quandary of, but I don't think there's inherently a 'right' or 'wrong'. Just a matter of perspective, and actions taken under those perspectives. Not sure how to explain that though.)

But at least for now, despite me having revealed this much publicly on my blog, I am not going to go fully public and share everything.

I'm not going to fight. Not in private. I'm not going to self-advocate. There's no point. I'm just going to move on.

I'll probably still blog about this for a while, as I have thoughts I feel I need to get out and am comfortable sharing, but after the events fade and I begin to heal, I will move on. As we have been.

Regardless, to any who stuck with me this far, again, I will share this once more;

Thank you.

Among my flaws is how much I love the world, and the people within. I have too much love to give, and while this incident has freed me up from giving too much of myself to too many people, I still can't help but having love for people. And that love is unconditional, on my end. So, I truly mean it when I say;
I love you.

And I hope you have a lovely timezone.

The sadness is strong.
The despair is there.
The grief is there.
The regret is there.

The dread is there.
And the loss.

I'm free of a lot of things. Those...I probably never will be. Maybe the dread, as the losses are finalized. But the great sense of how much is just...gone...will never truly go away.

All I can really do is to focus on what I still have. Especially who I still have. I have a good mindset towards things overall.

I don't feel bitterness.
I don't feel anger.
I don't feel like lashing out.
I don't feel like fighting.
I don't feel like snarking.
I don't feel like sharing unfiltered thoughts or making snide commentary.
I don't feel like being passive aggressive.
I don't feel like being aggressive.

Those who remove me from spaces often include a sentiment of "I wish you well". At my worst, I can think things along the lines of "...but do you really?", but by and large...I want to take those well-wishes and live by them. Their well-wishes are reflected by my own. I truly wish all of them the best. I truly wish all of those I have hurt that they get the chance to heal and to live their best lives. I hope them well on their journeys, and I do wish them well.

And any who wish me well and mean it...I want to take their well-wishes and manifest them by living well.

Still, there will be strong sadness, and that's on top of the physical issues.

It was probably the pizza I had, but given that this kind of thing can affect the stomach, it's possible it's the mental/emotional as well. Or both, with the mental/emotional worsening. But, I'm having tummy troubles today. I felt like vomiting yesterday, and I have gurgley groans today.

Eating and drinking are a struggle, and I have to stay largely stationary in bed until they pass. Which, who knows if they will or not.

I'm hungry, but can't stomach food.

And there is the mental sadness, which has some voices say "I don't want to exist anymore".

I don't think I'm suicidal. I was back in December, but I have had six months to adjust my attitude and prepare and basically brace myself.

​But, the sense of loss and sadness and depression is enough to have those flareups.

Still, despite the pain.

I know I will be okay.

​But, it will take me time to readjust my life and be more balanced and driven in finding my path forward.

I know what I want to do.

I don't think I know quite how to do it yet.

And that's okay.

I will figure it out.

I will be okay, eventually.

There's sadness, but also the relief of the release.

I know my attitude of "I'm free" will help me get back on my feet fairly quickly. I know I'm not bad enough to have entered a safe mode. (Although I've been close.) I know my mindset might not be the healthiest possible--but I feel like, at least in the moment, it is the best possible, or at least the best possible for me in the moment.

​So, as rough as today will be, and some of the times going forward, I know what I will be focusing on and nurturing.

Again, thank you all for being with me, for however much time you have been.

I don't think you need to worry about me, because I think I am going to be fine, but if you are inclined to, that means a lot. Thank you all for the wonderful vibes and the level of time you have invested in me.

I'll continue to be doing the things I am.

I'm going to be around, and continuing things like blogs, streams, etc. I am going to live my life.

​But it will be significantly different to how it was.

That might seem like an unusual title for a blog if you know the full circumstances behind what happened today, but it will make sense.

I have a bad tendency to overshare publicly, or on my blog to half-overshare half-undershare where I both share too much and yet don't share enough, and today's entry will likely be no different than that.

I'll say that I am comfortable disclosing what I am disclosing in part because I was willing to go public with everything that has gone on since March 21st, 2023. Including on this blog. I was willing to disclose it all, start to finish, cover it all, despite all the risks, despite all the potential harm it could cause. In fact...I had previously promised my fiance that if one of two things happened, I would do exactly that.

I have been of the mindset of trying to move on from what happened, and despite its continued presence reappearing--in December for me, in April for both me and my fiance, and today for me--I never wanted to fight. I wanted to move on. But they wanted to go public, to fight back, and I was the one who convinced them not to...with the caveat that if one of two things happened, that I would not keep moving on, that I would go public and fight.

So when it happened today...I was ready to begin the process of going public. I had promised I would, and I always keep my word. Yet...my fiance doesn't want to fight. My fiance doesn't want to go through the struggle which comes with going public and sharing. They just want to move on in life and rebuild. They have taken my previous stance, despite me being ready to have embraced their previous stance.

So that's why I'm comfortable sharing everything I am sharing now. It's because I was ready to go public, and my fiance is the reason why I am currently opting not to.

So, because I am currently opting not to go public, I'm not going to share the details.

But I'm free.

I'm free from having the weight on my shoulders.
I'm free from the fear of losing people--I just lost most of them. And over the course of days, weeks, maybe a couple months, will lose more. All for the same thing.
I'm free from my anxieties.
I'm free from the burden of feeling guilt, for remaining in spaces despite my past failings.

I'm free from the desire to help people--I have been dealing with a longtime struggle for most of my life between pursuing helping others with my investment in their lives, and pursuing my creativity.
There's a finite amount of time in a day. So every bit of time I spend in a space with friends is a bit of time I don't spend working on my ideas. I had previously resigned myself to having given up on basically all of my ideas, because I had chosen the spaces with the friends over the creative works. I had opted out of being a hermit to opt into socializing.

And now I am free from that, because having lost those spaces, I have lost that limitation on my creativity.

I don't want to imply those spaces were limiting. I don't want to imply those spaces were a burden. I don't want to imply those spaces were negative. I don't want to imply those spaces were in any way a waste of time. Nor do I want to imply I have no sense of loss or sadness for them. There is a great deal of grief to be had.

But--I want to say this much.
I was okay to devote the vast majority of my life to those spaces. I was okay with spreading joy and positivity. I was okay with just being that friend who was always there. I was okay with being that person who was always willing to listen. I was willing to give my love to them, unconditionally, because I cared. And I did. Arguably too much, to be honest. To an unhealthy level.

Both to myself, with how much of me I was giving, and to others, who were uncomfortable with how invested I was. Even though my intentions were innocent and good in theory, I recognize I went too far. I was working on toning it back, on being less overwhelming, less overbearing, less invested, etc. But I didn't do so soon enough, quickly enough, etc. I cared too much, and wasn't able to care less until it was too late.

And now I am free.

I recognize I will never get those spaces back. Ever. And that knowledge is liberating.

I will not need to deal with the constant "what if"s of thinking about maybe things improving.
I will not need to deal with the consistent false hope.
I will not need to deal with any of my worries, my hopes, my dreams, my desires, relating to them.

I am free of it. Forever.

​I know I am still in the process of losing people. But now I won't need to worry about losing people anymore. The events which have been set into motion have forced what will be a decision from them. Either they choose to cut me out, or they choose to keep me in their life. I won't need to worry about them doing that months or years from now. They are going to be deciding in minutes, hours, days, maybe at the most weeks.

And that's liberating. Because it means that those who stay were the friends worth keeping. And those who leave were the friends who weren't. And that will give me a better freedom of deciding where to invest my time. Friends worth keeping will get my time, and friends who don't want my time won't get it, allowing me to give time elsewhere.

There's a huge level of freedom to be had in just...no longer needing to overextend myself.
To not try and do too much all at once.
To not try and help everyone.
To not try and be in too many spaces.
To not need to worry.
To not need to fear.
To not have all those anxieties.
To not have all those what-ifs.
​To not have all those fantasies.

There's a huge amount of freedom and liberation in being able to...not worry about hurting people anymore.

I've been worried about hurting people ever since July of last year.
I've been afraid I was going to badly hurt people who I had befriended.
I was worried I would leave nothing but bad memories and vibes in their hearts.
I was afraid of souring their worldviews.
I was terrified I would embitter them.
I was so scared I was going to make them cynical and jaded from having their hearts so to speak broken by me.

And now, I don't need to worry anymore.

It's for a bad reason--because it happened en masse.
The event I was afraid of for the better part of a year just happened, and the result is going to be all of those fears being realized.

And there is a great deal of liberation in knowing it has happened.
Because now I am free.

I never wanted to hurt anyone.
I was afraid I would.
I constantly was working on trying to avoid hurting people.

To leave good vibes.
To spread joy and positivity.
To leave my legacy as being that person who cared, who loves, who has nothing but investment in the goodness and wellbeing of others.

And I was afraid it would all be destroyed.
I was afraid it would all be reversed.

And maybe it did...
...But now, I don't need to worry about it anymore.

I don't need to care anymore, as I have.
I don't need to focus so much time and effort into the wellbeing of others.

I can live my life now.

​So I am free.

I will always share in private the details to any who want to hear me out.

But in public, I don't want to go into more detail than this without my fiance by my side.

Still.

Despite my sadness.
Despite my sense of loss.
Despite my dread of knowing I am not quite done losing people and places, as this just happened.

I am free.

I know it's weird, that mindset.

It probably makes no sense to those who don't really get me.

But I have always tried to focus on the positives.
I have always tried to see the silver linings.
Not in a toxic positivity way.
But in a "I want to find a way to move forward" way.
​
And there's many negatives.
I will continue to have this follow me unless I go public.
Not going public carries the consequences of me potentially losing spaces and friends I could have kept by having gone public.
That I have been this force of good, this force of positivity and joy, that I cared so much and was invested so much, only to have my flaws revealed and cause my removal means that there will be countless people. Dozens, maybe even hundreds. Who are negatively impacted by the revelation.

People are going to get hurt by me, badly, and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. It's happened already, it's happening now, it will continue to happen into the near future.

But I have no control over that. I need to surrender. I need to accept it will happen and there's nothing that I can do to change it. The mistakes I made carried consequences, and I need to accept those consequences manifesting.

​And because I can't stop those negatives from happening.
While I can acknowledge they are happening--there's no reason to focus on what I can't change.

I can't change what I've done. All I can do is change my future.

And with the release of this...I can focus on the positives.

And the positives are that I will soon have nothing left to lose.
Everything I could have lost, I either will have lost or will have kept.
I will have nothing left to prevent me from pursuing what I want to do.
I will have more time available for my creativity.

For a long time now, my spirit guides have been telling me to focus on my ideas, to focus on my creativity, and to embrace my gifts in making things. I'd been consistently neglecting those in favor of focusing on keeping people in my life I was holding onto despite knowing I was likely going to lose them down the line.

And now...that is gone.

It happened.

So I am free to start doing the things I want to.
​To write.
To show my system.
To do my art.
To create music.
To dance.
To embrace my talents as a creator.

And that is why I will be okay.
I am sad, to be sure. I am always going to feel saddened by those whose lives are going to be made worse by learning of my flaws.
But I am not going to spiral.

I am going to be alright.
I have the sadness of knowing all those who I have lost and will lose.

But I am going to be okay, because I have the happiness of knowing about all those who stay.

​Thank you all.

To be fair, that is likely because of burnout from what I have already done.

I've done a lot of work for my stream. I've created half a dozen clips, and even uploaded a couple of them.

I've created two workable backgrounds for stream--neither are great, both aren't what I want them to be, but they're slightly more visually interesting than the black nothingness backgrounds I had before, and moving the text from the bg into the stream software leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

I spent time to set up a Cara account and will be testing the blog function there with...well, with this entry! Not all sites are built to have mirrors, I'm pretty much dropping the YT one because it's not built for it, it's more built for social media style posts (where I may add it into the rotation).

I am feeling a little burnt out and uninspired on the emote front--can't finish the hug emote, not feeling like redoing the wave emote, not feeling like doing a shrug emote, etc.

I think that I need to add some of my art on sites which I have completed, where I didn't include the updated facepalm emote, and that includes here in my blog, so here it is.

I don't really have much in the way of art to show of since then, that was finished a few weeks back and I just never shared it, blogged about it, etc.

But, yeah, for those who are seeing this, I figured that I'd share another about me, where to find me, what I am doing, etc.

I'm Brianna Danielle Lewis, or Bree, for short.
I'm The Range of Bree System, because we're plural.
We are a polyfragmented median system.
I am a transwoman lesbian.
The body has autism and ADHD, so all of us do, too.

We have bipolar disorder, and suffer from crippling anxieties.

We are an Aquatics Lead (speaking of which, need to update our LinkedIn with that update), which is the new name for Lead Lifeguard, with expanded roles but not extended pay (they gave that prior although their idea of "extra generous" is...a little out of touch. In my personal opinion, the number of extra duties is worth more than the $3 increase in pay).

We are 30 going on 31, are engaged to the love of our life, have an apartment as of the end of last year, and are just beginning to find our way in life. We're in desperate need of therapy, but what we want to do with our life:
Basically be therapy for others.

Not as a profession, mind you, although technically speaking if we wanted to, we have a degree already (mechanical engineering, we almost went into CAD as a career but opted out because we need to move around), but as a kinda life goal, to make a difference in the lives of others by being someone who can help them.

I want to give them advice that makes a difference in their lives. I want to help them. I want to leave a meaningful impact in their lives, to give them things they won't forget. To be a source of positive change that helps drive their lives forward, in a positive way. To Bree a Breeacon of light, and spread my joy and positivity to all who I can touch.

​Above all else, I want to vibe with friends. To be there for them. To support them. To prop them up. To make them laugh. To hug them in trying times, and celebrate all of their successes. I want to live a life where I am doing that to all I consider special in my life, and then some. Where I can give that community, that connection, to total strangers and build a place of lifelong differences.

​I can obviously do more. I'd love to share the worlds I have built with others. For others to see the wondrous ideas I have in my head. For me to have that level of reach that my ideas take on a life of their own where others want to make my world be theirs, where people want to leave their own stamp on my ideas.

But those are a luxury compared to my first priority. My friends, my communities.

I am a baby witch, just growing into my spirituality. I've recently strengthened my lifelong connection to Hermes, and am beginning to do similar for my lifelong connection to Bastet.

I am a twitch streamer. Currently, my schedule (which is subject to change as life does) is twice a week, usually:
Monday + Wednesday,
At loosely 3 pm Pacific for ~2 hours (give or take).

I used to stream lots of TFT, but have stopped since Riot made their basically-a-virus anticheat mandatory. I peaked at Platinum 3.

I mostly stream JRPGs (or JRPG-styled games) like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII (not to mention Epic Battle Fantasy 5),
Minecraft,
Stardew Valley,
Art,
Miscellaneous Just Chatting streams (from working on my blog to documenting my plurality),
And my Writing of my novel.

I create poetry and songs frequently, and am looking to constantly better my streams and community.

I am known in most places as rBree2.
Here's where you can find me.
I'm writing this blog on weebly, where it will be mirrored to the other sites I post on. All Too Human is the original blog, as that was a name I thought up ten years ago to describe me and my experiences. (And in hindsight, it was the perfect representation of me. Just...human.)

I post a lot of my random thoughts on my main Twitter, which is a blog-lite.
I also have an alt-account Twitter, where we usually are documenting plurality stuff.
My streams are done on twitch on twitch dot television slash rBree2.
I upload my vods, shorts, clips, and hopefully will be branching into content creation, all onto my one YouTube channel, Bree's Video Range.

I put my shortform content onto TikTok, where I sadly couldn't get rBree2 but did get rbreelewis2.
I plan on eventually uploading edited versions of my videos as well as my art to my Instagram.
I've taken to creating spontaneous rambles as provided by the algorithm timeline on my Threads account.

I may eventually create paid content for my Ko-Fi which currently is a free mirror of the majority of my content both blogs and social media posts.

I don't use them for anything unique, but I do have a Mastodon and a Bluesky for mirroring my social media content.

I have a community discord (not going to give the link here), and my discord username is rBree2, as well as a reddit for my content creation (currently mostly my clips).

If you want to find me on steam, just look for rbree2.
If you want to gift me something, I do have a throne.

And finally, for these blogs elsewhere, you can also find them mirrored onto wix.
I also post them to my reddit profile.
I'm exploring posting them to Cara. (Although it's looking like I can't, which...oh well, I guess.)

So, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for your time. Hope this was worth it for you. And if not, then I will do what I can to make it so in the future. Thank you for bearing with me. <3

I want to, mind you. Talking about life stuff, work stuff, my spiraling thoughts I'm struggling with.

But it's 9:30 pm, and I work tomorrow, so I need to get to bed. Disappointing day for productivity since I spent most of it resting, but...it was still a good day. Just, a day I can't really write home about, as it were.

​Note to self; still need to clip things from last stream and upload the clips from last week's stream to tiktok and youtube, among others.

To some extent, yeah, distractions from mental spiraling, but actually, by and large, the two were actually separated from each other!

I didn't quite get everything done--I still need to ask a couple of followthrough questions to my bosses and log hours, check emails, etc.

I may or may not do it tonight, I had forgotten until after starting this blog, and am in the wind-down part of the night and it's after 9, so probably won't, but hopefully tomorrow.

I do need to download my stream from tonight, upload some clips from my OBreeS Studio test stream, clip from this stream, as well as a couple other things I can't remember rn.

But like...I still am proud of getting most things done.

I streamed, for hours, and did a lot of work in stream.

My stream is largely functional and I'm feeling great about it.

And I did a lot of laundry and dishes today.

So...while there's a lot of cleaning to get done tomorrow (fingers crossed it's tomorrow), today went great.

I literally did errands today and still was productive and streamed and such.

My mental spiraling is still there, but the productivity was separate from it.

And, I'm working on becoming comfortable with my thoughts and letting go of my fears, my negative emotions, etc.

I constantly struggle with "what if" thoughts about losing people I care for from my life. It's happened before, and could happen again at any time, or so my anxieties tell me. At any moment, I could lose them, permanently, and be left without them for the rest of my life.

And I have that fear extra strong because of how much I care. What I want to do with the rest of my life is to give love and support. To support my friends. To give them care. To engage with them. To prop them up. To encourage them. To spend time with them. To make them laugh. To entertain them. To provide vibes for them. Etc. The people in my life are what I treasure most of all. (Well, obviously, since my fiance is my greatest treasure, and my fiance is a person. Butstill.)

And I am always afraid I will be a disappointment. I will let them down. I won't have done enough. I won't have been good enough. Etc.

But like...I need to not let my fears prevent me from enjoying the moment.

If those things happen...they will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent them from happening. All I'll do is do what I can and what I think best to respond to situations. So instead of feeling that despair...instead of that fear...I am trying to embrace that love, as the most important thing to focus on. The future doesn't matter. The past doesn't matter. The present does. And that's what I need to prioritize.

I'm sorry that I'm a rambley mess tonight. It's late, I'm distracted, ADHD is going haywire. But like...I just want to celebrate how awesome and amazing the people I know. I have so many good friends. I have so many who I love and cherish. I like to see them succeed. To support them, to help them, to live and thrive with them, and so on and so forth.

They mean so much to me. I just hope I can live up to their views of me and be the good person they think I am. I want my past failures and mistakes to be in the past, and for my present to be something where I learned from my shortcomings and came out all the better suited to give my love, support, and everything to.

I just...have so much love to give. I know I say that often, but it's who I am.

I've mostly given up on most of my more lofty ambitions that would require me to basically go full hermit to obtain.

Because...I don't want that life. I don't want the life of having succeeded at the cost of being lonely.

I want to live the life of having been surrounded by friends, who I love, and who love me back, and even if I never get anything done, me being there made a difference, me being there helped them, me being there drove them to succeed in their lives. That's what I want right now. And I hope it never changes, honestly. Because it's the life which I feel is the most fulfilling I could have.

I don't care about fame. I don't care about fortune. Both are meaningless to me, and always have been. I care about people. I care about friends. I care about making the lives of people better. And that's what I hope I can do. I know I already do it a plenty. But I hope I continue to, long into the future.

I can't relax. I can't. I can't feel fully invested in anything I want to do. There's friends streaming, and I'm there, in chats, technically, but just lurking. Which, well, life lifes. I want to spend the rest of my life supporting friends. Vibing with them, spending time with them, telling silly jokes during streams, being supportive, giving feedback when asked, being invested, and being there for them. But, I want to be there for them, or basically have a valid reason to not be there, basically.

They deserve love and support, and for as long as I am their friend, I want to give it to them when I can. And I get being unable to, for any number of reasons. Any number of reasons are valid. Any reason is, all reasons are. Doing other things? Valid. Sleeping? Valid. No energy? Valid. Etc. So, I never should have a need to justify not being there to support them. I shouldn't hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.

After all, I always expect nobody to be around to support and vibe in my stream. I always figure the above applies to them. No matter how much they may want to, they are too elsebusy. So, if I don't expect others to, I shouldn't expect myself to. Except...I do. I have the life ambition of propping my friends up. Of helping them succeed. Celebrating their wins. Of being happy for them, and helping them, and being there for them, etc. It's my life ambition to help my friends thrive.

So...when I am unable to...I feel like I am failing them.

And I increasingly feel like I am running out of reasons it's acceptable to fail at the things I am failing at.

I don't feel like sleeping right now. I am unable to have cuddling with my fiance consume my attention fully. Yes, as I am typing this, I am cuddling with my fiance, showering them with love. But...I need to do something else as well, to keep my mind busy. And...I am not able to fill that gap effectively right now.

I've dropped mafia from my life. I was falling behind, and wanted to do it, and then got busy, and couldn't, and then by the time mafia entered my mind, I realized I'd have been replaced by now, but instead of feeling apologetic or sad or feeling like I needed to repent or get back in...I felt...nothing, initially, and then...relief. I've received readings of "cut out what no longer serves you", and felt that while the people on the mafia site do, playing the game...doesn't.

And when going over my memories, I uncovered something I had long-forgotten. Years ago, something happened, and it embittered me towards the site, because to this day it remains unresolved and emotionally left me soured, cynical, etc. A lot of my current jadedness stems from that incident, where before I was filled with life and youthfulness and naive innocence and after was left...feeling so bitter. And I promised, "I'm never leaving this site, out of spite. I will stay, so that THEY don't win. If I ever stop, they will win. So I must keep going."

And I did.

For years.

Until eventually, I just...forgot why I was keeping going.

Every time I was asked, I went, "...you know, I don't know. I forget why I keep going." I felt a drive to keep going, but I didn't remember what it was.

And in this process of having had a stressful couple of weeks which caused me to be unable to be there...

...At the end of it all...

...I felt nothing but relief for having released the feeling of needing to be there.

When I remembered that my reason for staying was out of the bitterness and spite, to make sure that one person would never get to enjoy a victory over me...

...I just felt like, "...I am not who I was when I made that promise. I don't feel like it serves me anymore. I've become more calm, and my priorities in life have shifted."

And while it remains true that the person should never be allowed to get away with it, and on my end leaving in some small way means they will have...I just...feel like I should focus on my life.

And then...I just...feel like I can just...move on, spend my time better. So I'm not spending my time on mafia anymore.

I still play limited-energy/task games, but when those games have a lull, I'm not spending time on them.

I'm not doing art because I don't have the drive/motivation/energy/etc. for it.

I caught up on discords.

I don't have anything on social media, which I'm only really using for my life and my friends.

​So...I just...

...I kinda...ran out of things to do. And was left with no distractions. I have ADHD, and while I am invested in multiple things, I don't have enough to satiate my brain and keep me from wandering in my mind, which is still not a place I like to be.

So...it's hard to stay happy. But, I am trying to live in the moment. My fiance wanted to treat me today, and they have, so I don't want to have their efforts be for naught. I gotta figure out a way to feel fully content today, so we'll see what I can manage.

They just gave me permission to do some work, doing dishes, so I'm going to post this and go do that, and hopefully that can help me.

But yeah. I have a problem. I can't rest. I can't relax. Not when my brain is racing. ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxieties, all rolled into one. Probably traumas as well. Boredom is a threat, doing things requires energy I don't have, and it's just...a lot.

I wish I could do better and be better than this, but I will have to make do and find a way to be happy with what I already have, because I do know my friends accept me as I am not as how I wish I was, they know my limits, and accept that I have them, but I want to exceed their expectations someday. I'll have to settle for matching them for now.