Hey, I wanted to create multiple media declaring my desires, and my current life woes.

I haven't really known what to say, how to say it, where to start, but I guess it should be with why I want to finally talk about this all, and the hesitation behind actually opening up this fully.

One of the reasons why I haven’t wanted to open up is because of ex-friends thanks to the events of 2023 - 2024. I know on occasion they still stalk my social media, and a part of me has felt if I admit how horribly things are, they will have the smug satisfaction of winning. And every time they see my life is good, that they would feel miserable about how they took their path in life and it not being as good as mine. Is that desire selfish and petty, probably! Given what these people caused me to lose, though, it's a hard grudge to fully let go of. Not to mention how I believe they sided with a monstrous human being who is horrendous rather than with me or my wife when we were trying to do the right thing, but I digress. Silly as it is, I don’t like showing the side of me which is suffering in any space they may see, because I always fear giving them satisfaction. 

...And the other reason I don't like to show how bad things are is twofold. First, I don’t want my loved ones to feel bad--they CAN'T help me, even though they want to. And second, because of how ongoing and all-consuming these life events are, the constant suffering is never-ending. We keep having one thing after another go wrong, and I don't want to abuse the spaces I have to rant in by always ranting. It gives the impression that I am bitter, I am hopeless, I am all doom and gloom, that I am constantly negative and bringing the mood down.

I don’t want to be a source of negativity, and I have been afraid that if I share just how bad my life is, I would be doing exactly that, in being constantly negative. And this is a particuparticularly large fear of mine, because of how much I know my true nature is the exact opposite. 

Those who know me know me for all which is good to be had in the world. A Breeacon of Joy and positivity. My fondness for wordplay, my nerdy humor, my appreciation for art of all kinds, my ability to always be there, how I listen, how supportive I am, how I give perspective. My daily check-ins, my bringing of hope. All of the passion, the joy, the love of this world and the beauty of it. Of how amazing people are, and of the brilliance of our creativity. My talents in creating, my skills at uplifting, etc.

And with that as my true nature, I hate showing how...I am...also not always those things. I believe in others, always, but I can’t believe in myself. I've got a lifetime of never succeeding in the ways I wanted, and it's only getting worse, and more desperate. 

So I guess with the reasons I don't share these things stated, I should share what my current woes are.

I have a car rental due this Friday, costing a month's worth of rent--$1770ish. I won't have that amount. I get paid about $1100 that day, but that will leave me about $500 short.

And speaking of rent, I haven’t paid this month's rent. Which, when adding the extra bills of garbage, sewage, etc., comes out to $2000, plus late fees. I don’t have that money either. 

We face eviction at the end of the month, unless I can pull a miracle off. Because I have nearly $4,000 in bills, and only $1000 - $1500 to pay them.

And I got a ticket for $200 to top it all off, too.

Every aid resource I have applied for has given us dead end after dead end.

And me and my wife have been aggressively job searching and apartment hunting. Everywhere in this area requires a gross monthly income of about 3600 - 4500 at minimum. Mine is about $2600 - $3200 at most. I simply don't qualify on my single income for any cheaper place, especially since there's basically no cheaper place. Even if we found a place where it could fit me, my wife, and our dogs, it's less and less likely we could move in time. Because this is a ticking time bomb hitting zero on August 1st, and July is nearly half over.

We're trying everything. I'm basically killing myself from overexertion just trying to desperately find a way to change our life circumstances. Yet nothing we're doing is panning out.

And my work is getting worse.
I believe that they are severely violating disability law, by disallowing roving, the method of lifeguarding I need in order to do my job. Additionally, they keep piling aquatic lead tasks on me in addition to expecting me to lifeguard and to get in the water for swim lessons. (Despite me being crystal clear I am strictly to be substitute swim instructor only, a lot of weeks it feels like they are deliberately scheduling with the expectation I will be teaching.)

They are also restricting phone time to 10 minutes per 2 hours, which is something dangerous given the current volatile climate of the country and how I often need to be checking in on loved ones to make sure they are alive and okay. Just in 2025, I have saved the lives of eight different people. Seven of those were on company time. If I couldn't be on my phone, as I am now expected to not be, that would be seven people no longer alive. For an organization valuing their patrons and employees, they sure seem to not be living up to their core values.

They are giving me more work and removing my accommodations for disabilities. Worse, this is a place which, as a nonprofit, has been known for its chill casual atmosphere. Yet now they are turning it into a corporate structure. They're pressuring people to do work while not clocked in and insisting every moment of time being clocked in is for work productive to the company. 

And since I am pretty severely disabled, I am on the verge of passing out every work day.

I would qualify as legally disabled if I could see a doctor--but with no insurance (my insurance upped my rate from $150/month to $550/month at the beginning of 2025, and I can’t pay that, so I currently have none), I can’t see a doctor to get on it. I don’t have the money for a copay, let alone a visit without insurance. 

I constantly struggle to eat enough food, and to get what my body needs.

And these are only getting worse and worse.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, and I am burnt out. I am beyond desperate at this point, and that's part of why I am pulling the trigger on sharing.

Because I want to share my dreams, my visions, my plans, for what I can do when not facing these tribulations. 

I have a have a lot of talent. I am writing a novel which I genuinely believe is a billion follar franchise, if only I could get the backing for it. I believe I genuinely have the ability to bend the world to my will, rather than letting the will of the world bend my vision. I believe that if I got the support behind my work, I could see it through. I have in mind a live action spinoff, a sequel, an anime adaption, an interquel, a source book, another spinoff series, a musical, another novel, and the ability to make merchandise of these things. 

I have the plan to pull it off. 

But I am months from being ready. And that’s if I don’t doubt myself. Yet I need the help now. I want to find an agent who believes that I can pull it off, despite how even I doubt that I can whenever I hit a wall in writing.

I have an idea for a children's illustrated book series. It would be a cute book series where there’s subtle moral lessons and rhymes. I just need to figure out how to get it made and find an agent to get it published. 

I have music and song ideas. I want to sing all of the songs I have ideas to write, and to share my songs with the world, despite my lack of musicality.

I want to turn my daily check-ins into a series of oracle decks. I haven't figured out the logistics of it, but I think it would be a great way to spread my brand of positivity to others, and give them a good boost. 

I eventually want to turn them into a year-long calendar, and/or journal notebook, but that will require a full year, which won't be until December 2025 at the earliest. 

I've begun making them into webcomic form.

And I want to record them daily for platforms involving shortform content.

I want to turn rambles, blogs, and longform thoughts into videos, and to show my work in video form. I want to more aggressively share my funny thoughts as wordplay shorts.

I want to share my life, the beautiful life it is, with the world. 

And if I can pull the trigger on this, maybe this will be my start.