Basically, a thought came to me as I was on the way back from work, and I remembered something I had long-since forgotten.

Ever since I've been on the internet, I've had a dream I've wanted to pursue. I wanted to have all my writings online, for free--but to have people give the option to pay for them. To pay what they want, but to have it available for free. Maybe available for free online, but available in hardcover for a price to have a physical copy of it.

That was the dream.

And since then, it has never died.

It has only been evolved to include more than just my stories.

All of my songs.
All of my content creation ideas--videos I have in mind.
Comics.
Art.
Videos.
Dances.
Photos.
Spirituality.
And, yes, my writing as well.

Yet...the dream, the idea, remains the same.

I have the same dream, just on a broader scale.

I want to have my ideas shared with the world, and for people to pay whatever they can to support me. Maybe just to support me, but also potentially getting something extra out of having done so. Me sharing things I normally wouldn't, being paygated. But me still sharing everything I want to, and receiving enough support to have a living from it.

That has been my dream for as long as I've been on the internet.

And I feel like my guides are pushing me more in that direction.

All of my ideas are only 30 - 90% complete, depending on the idea.

Music is more in the conceptual stage, songs are scattered, etc.

So like...nothing is QUITE up to the standard of truly being good enough to really be spread to a larger audience.

But I have always felt that I could make my content be seen by the world, my ideas be seen by the world, and that it would largely be free, but that I could still get money from people. If not getting enough money, then the answer would be expanding into more areas to reach more people, rather than further gating my content and raising prices, putting things previously free behind a paywall, etc.

I know that the road I want to walk is a difficult one, in this day and age.

There's been a collapse in the advertisement industry. Sponsors are becoming more exploitative and less willing to shill out to struggling content creators. And in this day and age, everyone is posting content online so everyone is a content creator to at least some extent. Why would I be seen and liked by enough people to make a living from it? Of course I wouldn't. I'm getting on the boat way way too late. If I were to have gotten in early, ten years ago, my odds would've been much higher. But I didn't.

And nowadays...you need a lot of luck, you need a lot of time, effort, and talent, to stand out. To become seen. To become known. To have the algorithm spread you, and to have word of mouth spread further beyond the algorithm. To have that level of engagement and virality, but then to have enough of it form into support to support me.

I will never make it big enough to do this professionally. Writing, content creation, art, poetry, music, etc. I can't get that level of outreach (especially since I've been canceled at least temporarily), nor that level of monetary support.

...Buuuuuut...

...I DO think I can find at least SOME marginal support, for these things as a secondary form of income.

I'm not there yet. But I feel like I'm CLOSE to being there. SO VERY CLOSE.

Like...this is a dream job. That I feel like my guides are very strongly pushing me towards. They are very strongly giving me all of the pushes. They keep sending me dreams about it, memories about it, daydreams about it, advice in tarot and oracle cards about it, and life events in support of it. I literally am receiving a work schedule highly conductive to pursuing content creation.

And...getting cut out of the spaces I was cut out of...for all of the harm it caused to me...for how close it brought me to the brink of ending my life...is a mixed blessing, because by not spending my time and energy on those people, by not spending time and energy on the people who would cut me out and not reciprocate the love and support I was giving them, by not having the time spent on those who wouldn't give *ME* their time (if only to listen to what went on from my perspective)...

...That time can go to other areas, namely, content creation. Writing. Art. Poetry. Music. Videos. You get the idea.

My guides have been pushing me, stronger and stronger, to pursue that childhood dream...because I think it is what I am meant to be doing. Maybe not full-time! Maybe not as my main job! But as a part-time side-job, I feel like it's my true calling.

I feel like it's possible for me to have the balance I'm looking for. To have the stability of my current job;
To have the free time and energy to support my loved ones (particularly the friends who remain, who are the truest of my true friends for having stuck by me when I mosted needed them);
To have the free time and energy to pursue creating my dreams and making them reality.

​I do need to raise the percentage on my things from 30 - 90% to 100%.

But, I feel like the work I am putting in now, as gradual, as spread out, as it may be...is all building up.

I am SO CLOSE to achieving my dreams.

I just need to keep at it, and to receive the love and support needed to kickstart the momentum to get me going.

And that will happen sooner rather than later.

​Thank you for being on this journey with me. <3

ngl, things are about to get real bad for me starting tomorrow. I'll be going into the red financially, so I don't know what if anything I'll be able to do for food, gas, etc. Just have to hope/pray.

I desperately need support/help.

https://www.patreon.com/rBree2
https://ko-fi.com/rbree2

We are going to be struggling. We won't know what we can do, what's safe, what we might be unable to do, for a while.

kels is close to getting a job. So, we won't need the help for long.

But...we do need the help. Desperately. At least temporarily.

We don't need much. In the range of $50 - $200. But we do need just a bit more, in order to get through this trying time.

It's frustrating, and spiral-inducing, and stressful.

I know we'll survive.
​But we are barely getting by.

Keep in mind, it's expressing months' worth of thoughts and revelations and breakthroughs and reflections, and I have ADHD, am distracted, have autism, and am multitasking, so my way of expressing it may not be as clear as I want. At this point though, I'm not really going to ask for forgiveness and beg to not be canceled or anything, for people to bear with me, etc. Bit late on that boat, that ship has sailed already. So, if my thoughts aren't perfect and it's something someone uses to paint me in a bad light...let them do that. I know who I am and who I am not, and if they want to paint me a certain way without actually talking to me, then they can be my guest, the people who care about me will talk to me.

On that note...

...I basically wanted to talk about my view on last year.

It's simultaneously both complex, and yet, not.

I know that my blogs have been all over the place in depicting what happened last year, so for those who weren't involved, it can be difficult to figure out wtf exactly went on. Well, guess what; I was the one who went through it and it's been so damn difficult for me to figure out wtf exactly went on I still haven't any clue, not truly, what to think of things. What I think changes moment to moment, day to day, month to month.

A lot of my growth over this year however has been in revising my internal view of last year, from my view as shown at the end of last year. I want to be clear that the actions we took are largely dependent on the character of one individual in particular--at one extreme, the actions we took were an echo chamber of a negative feedback spiral about a good person. For most of last year, as well as a great deal of this year, this is what I believed.

At the other extreme, the actions we took were actually underestimating the problematic nature of the person involved. We acted under the belief of that person being good, but flawed in ways detrimental to communities. We wanted to raise awareness of this, and have the person accept that, so they could grow, change, and become better, in ways they otherwise wouldn't. But at the other extreme...they were problematic and we were giving the benefit of the doubt where none was deserved.

I don't actually believe in either extreme. I think the actual truth is somewhere in the middle...but, despite how much I want to have my faith in humanity mean it was closer to the former...the red flags my fiance would later talk to me about, the bad vibes, and my own intuition are pushing me to believe the person is closer to the latter.

There is more. I spent the better part of a year believing my fiance had done something without being aware they had done something. Almost a full year after I was informed of it (I was informed of it on August 21st 2023 after hints on July 31st 2023, I talked about it with kels on August 4th, 2024), I can now confidently stand by them being innocent. I spent almost a full year believing "they are guilty of this, but don't know it; my love for them is greater than any arbitrary cutoff point", where I chose remaining with the love of my life no matter the consequences over cutting them out for what they allegedly did.

...And yet, after having shared with them what they were accused of...I believe them innocent now. I believe the accusation was false. There's only four people who could have made the accusation in the timeframe it was made. My fiance swears it wasn't the person who I spent a year thinking it was, and the other three are all people who would have made that accusation either as a lie they figured was harmless or out of malice/delusion (one of the two). A 3/4 chance of innocence is one I am all too happy to take, because the love of my life is worth having.

To some lesser extent, a lot of what went on last year also depends on the character of two ex-friends. When I shared with my fiance conversations I had with them, they pointed out to me how there was a contradiction in what these two had tried to tell me. How they had talked about stopping my fiance from doing some "stupid stuff", but left out exactly what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of was...for good reason, because what said stupid stuff my fiance was talked out of directly contradicted what I was being told my fiance was allegedly trying to do.

At the time, when the conversations first happened, on some level I was able to identify the dissonance between what they said and what I knew to be true of my fiance. But, I had believed at the time that they were accidental in those contradictions. When my fiance pointed the contradictions I had on some level detected, it cast doubt onto my world view of it having been accidental and has left me thinking they knowingly and deliberately were trying to gaslight me into dropping my at-the-time-friend.

​I still want to believe in the inner goodness of everyone. At the goodness extreme, everyone involved (the person, the accuser, the ex-friends, all 8 friends from March 19th to July 23rd, myself, my fiance) would all have been trying to do the right thing, but imperfections and misunderstandings and misinterpretations and a whole failure of communication and emotions running high and so on and so forth led to those imperfections, those flaws, badly interacting and a heated meltdown of things exploding, when in hindsight they should never have gotten that bad, and it's best everyone went their separate ways despite being good people.

...But as much as I want to believe in that extreme...I can't.

I don't believe the other extreme either, as vindicating as it would be. I don't think the person who caused all of this is secretly a monster nobody knew was one. I don't believe the accuser would be a completely horrible person through and through. I don't believe the ex-friends are terrible people. Any of those being true would be incredibly cathartic, but I doubt them to be true, as much as it would be healing for it to be.

...However...

...A large part of the healing process for me is realizing that wherever the middle ground is...it's okay for me to believe that the individuals in question are closer to the latter than the former...at least in key ways. I believe the person isn't a good person in at least a few key ways. As many red flags as I can wave off with justifications, some just cannot be explained as anything but a red flag, meaning they have some clear problematic traits that are just problematic. Depending on who the accuser was, if it was one of two of the three who would make the false accusation then they are someone who would be prone to rewriting events, lying to others either deliberately or accidentally, and their own loved ones would call them out on their bullshit. If it was the third of the three then it would've been a lie they figured was harmless to tell not realizing it would carry consequences for me and my fiance down the line. And the ex-friends did try to gaslight me, deliberately.

Those are all true. Them having done that doesn't mean they need to be monsters. Or even horrible people. But they did do bad things and have bad traits that led to both my fiance and myself nearly killing ourselves twice. In  the July-August 2023 range Kels wrote a letter, had it planned out, exactly how they were going to unalive themself, and only my presence saved them. I fell into that depression hole badly in December 2023 and again in June-July 2024. My fiance relapsed in April 2024 too. We have genuinely had brushes with death owing to the events which happened in that timeframe...

...And that is something which it is okay to note as having been Not Okay to have been put through. A lot of the growth I've gone through is realizing that no matter how well-intentioned the people involved are (and, again, it's possible the intentions were not in fact well-intentioned and were in fact malicious), me and my fiance were victims of a misinformation campaign, of bullying and harassment designed to isolate us.

I also want to be clear...I know our own actions were worth criticising, regardless of circumstances or justification. Even if it's true that my fiance was within their legal right to pursue legal action, bringing that up even in an informative way could reasonably be interpreted as a threat. Even if it was on the advice of the ex-friends, my fiance's pursuit of trying to sort things out could be interpreted as spreading it around (although I believe this trait was maliciously exaggerated).

And on my end...I was emotionally compromised. We both were. Being emotionally compromised, and on the defensive, we made mistakes. We reacted poorly. We lashed out. And depending on the characters of the individuals involved...a lot of the actions leading up to it are also things of questionable "shoulda known better", as it were. We didn't do things as we ought to have, regardless.

And when it all blew up, we reacted poorly. On my end, I was furious. I was angry. I refused to believe my friend-at-the-time could be anything but the friend I knew, and was angry at everyone taking action against them, believing them wrong. And I lashed out under this belief, essentially of my now-fiance having been perfect and having done no wrong whatsoever. I argued, very extensively, very harmfully, with the now-ex-friends, because to me friendship is the most important thing in the world and I would do anything for a friend, and I was already in love with kels at the time.

​I also believed myself to be a monster. "Kels can't be a monster, because I know what a monster is, because *I* am a monster" was a thought I had. My imposter syndrome, various anxieties, depression, and my past all led me to believe that I was a hurtful, problematic monster, just faking being a good person, that my true self was me at my darkest, me at my worst, and that the good I had done was all an illusion, an act, all me pretending, all me trying to get something, all me furthering a personal agenda.

And under that belief, I said some very harmful things, including in my now-deleted blog posts. I degraded the value of communities and friendships I had, in a place of my internal anxieties and in an incredibly emotionally compromised state.

I did not handle things well.

Regardless of the character of the others involved, my part as well as my fiance's part will always be one where we did have failings. No matter how well-intentioned we were, no matter how much we were trying to do the right thing, no matter how hurt we were, how emotionally compromised we were, no matter how much we were trying our best at the time...we made mistakes. We messed up. And it would be irresponsible of me to not learn from those failings. It would be delusional to think we were perfect and could not have done better. It would be wrong to say we were 100% in the right.

​...But healing has come from realizing we were not 100% in the wrong, either. We WERE trying our best. We WERE trying to do the right thing. We DID have good reason to be emotional. Anyone put on the defensive, anyone emotionally compromised, IS going to lash out.

And all of this applies, regardless of where the individuals fall on the spectrum of good to problematic.

The further they are from being good, the more I can stand proud in where I chose to be, essentially.

I can acknowledge my mistakes. I can acknowledge I messed up. I can acknowledge I had failings. But if the people are closer to the problematic side...then in the grand scheme of things...then I can stand proud for doing my best to do the right thing, and look back and say I ultimately, flawed as it was, stood by what really mattered, what was truly important, what most was worth protecting and pursuing.

​And...that is largely why I say I feel time will vindicate us. I believe we will be vilified. I believe a lot of the things believed of us, a lot of the bad things we are believed to have done, will be revealed as the misinformation they are, and how that misinformation spread will be exposed, down the line.

I believe that the problematic people will be exposed. That the individual who kicked this off will have their flaws exposed at some point, that our ex-friends chose their friendship with this person over doing the right thing and over their friendship with my fiance, that the ex-friends used the lie told to them about my fiance to justify harassing me when I pursued my happiness with my fiance, and how people all trying to do the right thing ended up as pawns because they believed that misinformation and acted on it, spread it, and helped propagate the harassment.

I believe time will reflect well on us and poorly on those who kicked off the misinformation campaign against us. Because I believe a lot of the things that are currently private will be exposed, with time, and in the public eye be scrutinized and have people go, "wait a sec..." at their prior assumptions on how things went down.

I spent most of 2023 believing me and my fiance were in the wrong. I spent the first half of 2023 by and large walking to a middle ground of "everyone was both in the right AND in the wrong". But a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I am not a monster and never have been. I was right about my fiance, and their innocence. I was RIGHT to stick with them, especially since they are the love of my life. I have always been a kind, caring, compassionate person, loving, and supportive. I've only gotten better at being a good friend, but I always was one, even at my lowest point.

We may or may not have been in the right, but we believed we were, and acted as best we could. We did the best we could at the time to do the right thing. We were good people then, and are even better people now. And that is true, regardless of the characters of the people involved.

I am worth having and keeping as a friend. I spread joy and positivity in all spaces I am welcome. I am there for friends. A big healing moment was when I went from going, "all I HAVE is words, I have no actions I possibly can take" (a mistaken belief I held at the beginning of 2024) to realizing that in actuality, those words I gave WERE actions, because of their consistent investment of time, energy, and presence, that level of investment, where I was THERE, and I CARED, and I showed it by carefully crafting those words.

There was healing involved in realizing me carefully crafting words wasn't manipulation...it was CARE. Care, because I wanted to give the most support and love, to do the best thing, to help as much as I possibly could. Those words were actions.

And I believe time will show a lot of the things thought to have been malicious from me, thought to be bad, thought to be harmful, will be shown with time to be exactly what they were. Maybe imperfect, but always sincere, genuine efforts to do the right thing, to do the best I could, to love, to support, to help, as best as I could.

​I know it can be hard to believe that I genuinely love everyone, especially communities I believe are found family, but I believe with time people will realize just how sincere my love was, how pure and innocent it was. Naive, to be sure. Maybe overly optimistic! Stupidly idealistic. But sincere. Not an act. Not faked. Not done with an agenda. Pure, genuine love.

I believe my actions are going to be seen and understood a lot more with time.
I believe people are going to reflect back and think what I did makes a lot more sense with time.
I believe people are going to see what I did and not just understand, but agree, and think in my shoes they would do the same.

And I believe, as the people involved have what they did and continue to do exposed, a lot of the misinformation will be exposed as having been exactly that.

But ultimately...even if it never does get exposed...I ultimately don't care. I am healing. The people who remain in my life are the people who most matter to me. I have a feeling a lot of what we went through is going to get exposed, and people are going to be mortified about how two people were twice nearly driven to unalive themselves from the misinformation campaign, and realize a lot of the actions they took in the name of trying to safeguard their spaces were actually doing the exact opposite.

Yet, even if they never know...even if they never learn...then I don't care. I am going to pursue my happiness. I am going to pursue having a life, with my loved ones. I have to follow my own truths. I constantly visit the past, with doubts. But deep down, I know. I believe in my own inner goodness, and the goodness in most people. And I believe that despite the mistakes, I am allowed to heal, and to have happiness. I am allowed to have friends, and spaces where I am welcomed, even valued.

We deserve to have friends, and be supported. We are supportive. We are loving. I spread joy and positivity. I know my value. And it's okay to have that.

It's a challenge. Basically, I don't want to believe myself perfect. Nor my fiance, despite how much I love them. I don't want to believe we were completely in the right. I don't want to ignore the pain, I don't want to ignore the hurt. I don't want to believe I did nothing wrong. You get the idea.

But, I also want to be realistic and honest. And being realistic and honest...no. We did not deserve what we have gone through and continue to go through. We are not the horrible people we're now widely believed to be. We are not the problematic people who deserved to be cut out. We were never given a chance to share our perspective, and had we been given that opportunity, a lot would have been different in a way that would have left far less harm.

​I have made mistakes, but a lot of my mistakes were in thinking I had made mistakes I actually never made. A lot of my mistakes were in accepting everyone's views as valid except my own. Believing everyone else was right except for me. Believing I was always in the wrong and could never be in the right. A lot of my mistakes were in over-valuing the input of others, and taking their views as infallible, believing they couldn't be wrong, and that I had to be mistaken, I had to have messed up, I had to have been the problem.

And a lot of my healing has been in realizing...I wasn't the problem. I was never the problem. Nor was my fiance. We were never a danger to communities. We were never a threat to anyone. A lot of the issues would have been solved by better communication, but the failure to communicate was not on our end.

People never talked to us.

And I genuinely believe...down the line...they are going to learn...they weren't as in the right as they believed.

But, that is their journey to take, not mine.

My journey has already largely happened, with the healing of realizing exactly who I am, and who I am NOT. I am NOT a monster. I am NOT a problem. I AM a supportive friend, who gives my all to the people I love. I AM very loving, with a genuine love of humanity and doubly so for found families. I AM kind, caring, compassionate, loving, empathetic, and supportive. I AM a good friend.

It's okay to heal. It's okay to find peace. And it's okay to have people love me, and to love them, and to be with people who match my energy.

And that is why my life is as good as it is.

I am happy.

I am content.

I have a world view that I believe is very conductive to spreading joy and positivity.

I have an outlook I feel is great for bonding.

​I just...think I have a lot of good things going for me. And I don't think them delusional. They are true, and while I might not be able to express things, I may be able to fully lay things out...I feel I will have history see me and know I had a good perspective. Not perfect, mind you! I'm still improving. I'm still refining. But really good.

And that's been very healing.

What I mean by a "cheater blog" is that I'm going to be taking a few of my recent 'unofficial blog' posts on my main Twitter and my Threads account (links to the main things I'm copying), rather than writing a blog for today from scratch.

I suppose I'll mention; I'm not looking forward to a work meeting today, and have a lot of work work to do, but I'll get through it somehow.

I've gotta be quick though as I've got daily morning routine tasks to do, like showering, meds, eating breakfast, etc.

So, to copy my unofficial blog posts on social media;

It took me a lot of time to figure out "what is 'right'" to do, but I did come to an answer eventually. Turns out it's both a lot more complex, but also a lot simpler, than I had thought. Do what feels right for YOU to do, in the moment; what that is, changes with time and life.

I also call it "pursue the path of least regret". You will always regret what you didn't do and the consequences of what you did/didn't do. Choose whatever you feel you will least regret later. For me, that's pursuing my happiness and peace, healing and finding contentness. <3

kels and I have been calling each other "my wife" recently. The wedding might not be until October 31st 2025, but while that will be a ceremony and a piece of paper, for all intents and purposes, we may as well already be married. Together, forever, for the rest of eternity. <3

We are happy. We are doing well. We are content.

And I have thought a lot about the future, and the people in it.

I've been reflecting a lot on friendship.
This might sound a bit harsh, but it's ultimately a hard truth I was forced to learn.
I will never again make the mistake of tiering friendships, but, I want to express how there's three groups of people for me, which are essentially "how much energy/time I'm willing to give them." (Able will always sadly be lower.)

The first group, who I will give literally anything and everything to, are those who have seen me at my lowest and stuck with me. They've seen my darkest aspects, all of my negative traits, every trait of mine SEEN as something negative...and chose to stay. They supported me, and have reciprocated the love I give them with their own when I most needed it. They didn't care about my failings. They cared about their friend.

I twice nearly caved to suicidal impulses in the last year. Those people saved my life. I owe everything to them. And I can never pay them back. They saw the real me, before I could. I dealt with crippling anxieties, depression, and imposter syndrome where I thought myself a monster--and every friend cutting me out only fueled those thoughts. I trusted their judgement, and they judged me problematic, and I didn't want to live because who wants to be a source of pain? I didn't want to.

Every person who heard how horrible I was, but then rather than believe it, heard me out, listened to me, supported me, who valued the friend they knew rather than the threat to communities they heard I was, who valued me over my darkness, who saw the light in me when all I could see was my shadow? They have helped me grow, see my strength, and heal. I owe them my life, quite literally, and will give my all to them.

The second group is those who likely never knew what I was going through, or at least, not the full extent. These are the people who never heard the other side. The people who never heard about any problematic behavior I had allegedly done. They never saw my darkness, they never heard of the harm I caused, they never knew of any hurt, of any alleged behavior I had shown worthy of canceling, of being cut out. They never knew.

Whether they would care or not doesn't really matter. Maybe they'd join those who cut me out. Maybe they'd join those who stuck with me. The thing which makes me value them is that they still helped me, in my lowest times. These people supported me and gave me love and vibes during my lowest times, regardless of how they may not have known how badly I was in need of their love.

These people helped save my life, despite not knowing my life needed to be saved, or not knowing why, or not knowing that I had that darker side that I had almost lost my life to the consequences of it. And so, I will always owe them a debt of gratitude, and will do whatever I can for them. I might not be able to give them all of my heart and soul, but anything I can give them, I will, because they deserve that and more.

Then there's the third group: all potential future friends. Which is...almost every human. There's people I would never want to befriend, there's people I could never befriend, but by and large, I treat everyone as if they are a potential future friend, because you never know...one day, they might be! After all...most humans are worth befriending. The limits of time/energy as well as circumstances of needing a way to have met and connected limit us, but...

...The way I see it. Those limits, sad as they are, don't change the truth about the individuals. They are worth befriending. They are worth being friends with. They are funny, they are quirky, they are talented, they have interesting lives, they have love, they have ways they support people, they are good, they try to do good, and left to their own devices, are passionate about a lot of interesting things, with all those skills they never think actually are, but which truly are.

One of my greatest sadnesses is that all of the people with those traits, I will only know a fraction of a fraction of them. In my lifetime, I will only know a few thousand people, and be close with a few hundred or so. (Might be off by one zero, could be few ten thousand and close to a few thousand, but you get the sentiment.) The people worth knowing number in the billions.

I can never be friends with everyone. Barriers exist. Vibes not matching, languages not connecting, places too far removed, time/energy, circumstances, etc. You get the idea. But most people are worth being friends with, even if I can't actually be friends with them. So I treat them all with the energy to match, because they deserve it in their life.

And, yes, this group also includes those who cut me out when they heard about my darkness and believed it true. I have faith the truth will come out, probably sooner rather than later, without me needing to go public about what actually went down in 2023 to cause all of the hurt. I kinda feel by vibes it's likely in or before 2026. Some time within the next two years, I feel, time will be kind to me and my fiance for what happened last year. We'll be vindicated then.

A lot of misinformation got spread, from either outright lies or truths maliciously portrayed as being something sinister that never was there. I feel, without me needing to self-advocate publicly, without me needing to come forward, people will on their own realize "...wait...", and then things will fall into place as to how the public at large was led to be agents in bullying and harassing two people to the point where they both nearly self-unalived twice each.

A lot of the people who thought they were doing the right thing by cutting me out will realize what I was a victim of and realize to their horror they were taking part in that campaign with their choices, especially if they spread that version of me to others who then acted on it themselves.
They were hurt, but they were hurt by a version of me that never actually existed. They were hurt by a fictional version of me spread maliciously behind closed doors. That hurt was real, yes.

But what was also real is that I was exactly the friend and community member they had always known publicly. I was exactly what they saw on a daily basis. What was there was exactly what it seemed to be: a loving, supportive person, spreading joy and positivity, making silly jokes, uplifting people, trying to be there for them. And while I certainly have my failures, that is who I always was, and I've only gotten BETTER at being exactly that over the last year or so.

When the truth comes out, about how all of the bad things they thought I was, were all from me just trying to do the right thing and being my natural supportive, loving self? A lot of the people who cut me out may have a lot of thoughts, thoughts I can only imagine what they will be.

But on my end...they never stopped being my friends and found family. They made the decision to cut me out, but at any point, they can make the decision to want me back in their space...and I will happily welcome them back into mine, because I hold no ill will to them, no bad feelings. I love them. I wouldn't be very loving if I rejected them when they were trying to do the right thing and/or acted from a place of having been hurt.

I know a lot of them will feel awkward, or feel like they can't rebefriend me, or feel guilt, or feel unworthy, or feel like they cannot make amends, or so on or so forth. And maybe they never want to reconnect, feeling like too much has changed, that we've drifted apart naturally and the things we bonded over no longer bond us together. You know, the things which friendships end up dissolving over with time naturally.

And that's valid! But for any who have any part of them that may want to reconnect...I will happily do my part to.
Past friends can become future friends, just as past strangers can become future friends. The process may be different, the results are the same. Everyone is a potential future friend to me. Well, just about everyone. (You get the idea.)
And thus, all potential future friends get the same treatment from me; I try to give them as much as I can, within reason.

I can't give people as much time or energy as I want. But they all deserve it. I hate having to prioritize, because I can't do everything. But I will continue to do all that I can, for all of them, because humans are great. They are creative, passionate, supportive, loving, caring, kind, compassionate, funny, and great at giving vibes. I love them all.

I have such love to give to the world. Time, energy, ability, and circumstances limit my ability to give it, but the world deserves that level of love regardless of whether I actually give it. And I truly hope everyone reading this can receive some love themselves. You deserve it. <3

I don't want to sleep atm.
I don't feel like going deep in all in cuddling rn. (Burying my face in my wife.)
I don't want to do anything ENDING cuddle times tho.
But...I am feeling uninspired.

What should I be doing? I don't know.

I played Stardew Valley already.
I don't feel like doing content creation rn.
I don't feel like chatting anywhere.
I...don't know. Is this depression? ADHD? Burnout?

I don't know.

What's wrong with me.

I can't have fun.
I can't do work.
I can't enjoy the moment.
I can't sleep.

​I am feeling a pain but shouldn't be. I don't know.

Both kels and I are doing fantastic, overall. In every way, save for one, our lives are as good as can be, pretty much.

That one way is, in the grand scheme of things, a small bump in an otherwise wondrous road filled with happiness. But it's why blogging hasn't been happening regularly, and a stressor, which has caused the closest thing me and my wife-to-be have ever gotten to a fight. It's something leaving us frustrated, angry, stressed, and often, feeling a bit hopeless and trying to figure out what we can do. And...we don't really know, honestly.

And that one thing is finances.

Along with the stress of work, particularly my frustratingly terrible work schedule not to mention a work environment where I am feeling like I'm basically one small misstep away from potentially losing it, despite how screwed we would be without it.

I can't go into detail too much about my work stressors, but I can mention that my current schedule is horrible. All-day Sundays (early morning to evening, legit takes ALL of the day), Monday Mornings, then Tuesday, Wednesday, and sometimes Thursday evenings. Which is a horrible schedule. I do not like it. If I wasn't an Aquatic Lead and if I didn't need the money desperately, I would be setting a hard work boundary. Making it set so I can ONLY work the morning shift, NOTHING ELSE.

The only reasons I haven't done that is because I feel like as an Aquatic Lead if I were that inflexible I wouldn't be an Aquatic Lead, and that I need money so I need all the shifts I can work.

But, to be clear. I do not like those shifts. The culture of the shifts is worse. It's more chaotic, more hectic, rather than chill. It has a lot more kids a lot more consistently. It doesn't have the schedule I prefer. It doesn't have the patrons I have rapport with. It leaves me with less free time every single day, and said free time is at a worse time of the day for me. All of my friends work morning shifts and are free in the afternoon to evening. With me working night shifts, I'm working during the time they are free and free during the times they are working. So...I am unhappy with work, in numerous ways.

And work has left me severely burnt out--thus the struggle to do daily tasks like blogs. I haven't been able to sit down and just let my thoughts out, both the bad and all of the good.

And finances remain terrible. My fiance has been looking for a job for over a year, to no success so far. Our life expenses have been draining finances for the entire time we've had an apartment together. I've twice received temporary lifelines. Once, from my parents bailing me out. A second time, from a friend repaying a loan I gave them. But those lifelines have run out. And the gradual drain is about to put us in the red. I don't care about money, because money is just a tool used to obtain things, and I care more about happiness and living my life than money. But...there IS a bare minimum needed to live life, and currently...we are below it. And about to run into the red because we are below the minimum.

And like...there's ways to get more out of the money we have. There's money-saving things we probably would be eligible for! ...If not for the fact our lives are being sucked out by my current work schedule draining our souls. The two problems build off each other. I'm working to the point of being beyond exhausted, which leaves me unable to pursue the means to optimize our income, which feeds into the problem, essentially.

And...I just want to break this downward financial spiral. We need to have a little bit more, both in time and in funds. We are so close to having stability across ALL aspects of our lives. If we aren't constantly worried about going into the red, then I can safely afford to cut back on work. And with me not burnt out, then we can see what we can qualify for, what we can optimize, what we can budget, basically get a stable routine we can consistently follow. We can begin to save, while also still living life in the moment with small luxury expenses here and there.

We are SO CLOSE to having that. We just...aren't there right NOW, and that's causing a lot of anger, stress, and frustration, because we know we are so close to having all of our plans begin to work out...but right now, they're not. Right now, we keep on having to make sacrifice after sacrifice, hard choice after hard choice, limit after limit, disappointment after disappointment. And we're close to the brink, especially with how we don't have much hope of breaking this cycle completely on our own. We're going to need help, despite how much we hate asking for help.

​So...that is the main hurdle right now.

But, I do want to reiterate. In all other aspects, our lives are going well. Kels might be frustrated wedding planning has taken a backseat due to the financial stress, but we are by and large? HAPPY.

Mentally, I have been fantastic. While there's been a couple brushes with depression, I am highly content.

I truly believe time will vindicate us both. All of the misinformation maliciously spread about us will be exposed. The lies and malevolent half-truths will be exposed as having been exactly that. The truth will come forward, and people will realize that we are exactly the kind, caring, compassionate people we always appeared to be. That we were people pleasers, who cared about our communities more than anything else, that we would do anything for our friends, that we would give all the love and support to those we care about, and that all of the things we were accused of ended up perverting those acts of love to be something sinister they never were.

I have gone on a great healing journey. I've learned I was always better than I gave myself credit for, I was trying my best at the time, and was just trying to do the right thing. I've recognized, yes, I did make mistakes...but I've learned from them, grown, and as good as I was back then, I am BETTER now.

I have become more loving and supportive than ever before.

I have become more driven and passionate than I was.

I have more to share with the world than I did before.

I spread joy and positivity in all the spaces I am in.

And I am manifesting my marriage to my future-wife. When I look at my fiance, I see them as my wife. I am manifesting us having the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025. The witchy yet still somewhat traditional wedding, in a venue we both like, that has some of those closest in our lives. Not everyone can come, of course, but those that do will get to see that love, that humor, that joy, that positivity, as we vow to be together, forever, for the rest of eternity.

I am okay with life, being fairly chill. I'm content with what we have. I don't need to have all my dreams come true. I just need to live life, moment to moment, and with the love of my life by my side, who I give all the everything to. They are my greatest source of happiness, and the person who makes me feel alive.

We are living. We are having fun. We are enjoying events. We are enjoying the presence of each other. And we have wonderful friends who remain in our life and are great.

​We just need that little bit extra to secure the rest of our lives together, where we will be able to get everything we want rather than needing to make the hard choices and sacrifices and being overwhelmed and burnt out.

And to that end...

...I have opened commissions on my ko-fi.

And Chloe the bunnygirl, one of our two main fronters, is launching a Patreon of her modeling and dancing.

​This month, I don't need much to get by. $50 - 200 should do the trick.
And we're pushing, hard, to get to a place where this is the last month where we struggle this badly.
But, we are in a place right now where we need that little bit of help.

And all we can really say is...we are hoping to repay the kindness, generosity, and love showed to us, when we are in a place where we have the stability to do so.

I want to repay all of the kindness and love and support we have given.

And I believe I can, and will. I believe in my ability to succeed. I have ideas for music, content creation, songs, and books. I believe I will become a published author, and potentially a musician, or at least a composer.

I know I won't be able to make everything I want to. Not all the art, webcomics, stories, etc. But I also know I can make at least the ones which matter most to me. I believe in my ability to make them. I just need a small final boost to get into the situation where I am set up to succeed in making them.

Thank you for bearing with me, and being on this wonderful journey. When we get through this struggle...we will be set up for so many wonderful things. <3

It's a lot less difficult than days have been for me previously, around June 2024 and December 2024 (both which had me get suicidal at points). In fact, my current level of depression feels like it's the level of "healthy" depression, normal levels of depression, rather than levels that are debilitating and leave me wanting to die.

Which is to say; I'm down, I'm depressed, but I'm not badly depressed. I'm not in pain. I'm not suffering. I'm just kinda apathetic and lazy, rather than crying and miserable. Not great, mind you, but better than I have been when depression has hit before.

This level of depression, I can handle. I can manage. I can live with. The depression I had before, I could not.

It still sucks to be depressed, especially for no reason. This wasn't triggered. It just was.

But! I know it's not as bad as my depressive episodes were in the past, and today is a lot more up and down than my depression days normally have been.

By which, I mean, there's waves of sadness, but the sadness is not a constant.

I am happy, energetic, and enthusiastic still, I just also have low points which are lower than the high highs.

I guess if I were to describe this. Think of the ground level as neutral. Previously, I was sinking below the ocean down to the depths of depression, and my highest highs were like climbing a tree at ground level; barely above zero.

Now, my depression is basically just tripping and falling down to ground level, and my highest highs are me soaring above the mountains, flying about as I please.

I am happy, and largely content.

But, I also don't want to suppress the moments of sad. It comes in waves. Where I'll trip to fall to the ground and then fly then trip. But it's not constantly submerged, and that's good. There's been an entire shift in where the neutral/resting points are, where now the average is at least having climbed the tree at minimum. Stooping closer to the ground than the tree sucks, but it's not life-shattering. I know I will pick myself back up.

So, I'm letting myself feel the feelings, and reminding myself they will pass, and when they pass, I will feel all the love and support I have in my life. I can't be happy all of the time, and I need to remember that, and that this moment of not being happy is normal because nobody is happy all of the time.

But, I am happy most of the time, and that is a definitive improvement. Today is lower than most days, but I am still optimistic.

I am going to manifest the future I want with my fiance.

Every time I look at them, I see my wife. I already think of them as my wife. I can see our future together, with them as my wife. I am manifesting it being the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025, not at a courthouse but a proper wedding. I see us living together, happily, into 2026. (The reason I say 2026 is I lowkey just kinda feel like if the streamer who my fiance believes is a POS is in fact monstrous, I don't think it'd be exposed in 2025. I think it'd either be this year or 2026, with the latter as the more likely. Just kinda vibes, instinct, if you will.)

I see us together, living happily, living our lives relatively comfortably. We might not have the life we want to have, but we won't be miserable. We will be content, we will be happy. We will have plenty of love and support all along the way, and will be much loved. And because I see it and am manifesting it...

...I am carrying that happiness forward into our lives in the present. I carry that energy into my life every day. I am content, as we are. I am happy, as we are. Our life isn't perfect, but it's still a wonderful one where I feel so loved.

I know I am amazingly blessed. And I just...feel so positive about the future.

I can feel it.

I know there will be challenges! I know there will be setbacks! I know we need to put in the work to manifest it, it won't just manifest magically on its own without us putting in the effort. But, I can sense it.

We are going to build a life together.
We are going to be happy, together. Forever, for the rest of eternity.
I am already happy with them, and that happiness will only grow with time. That level of contentness will only strengthen, to become stronger and more than ever before.

The good will only get better, becoming great.

And I can sense it. That love, that support.

And that's why I've been able to carry this shifted outlook so well recently.

I just saw a vision of the future, and unlike all of the visions which were what-if spiraling...this one was one I felt was partially already real, and just needs time and a small push to be real fully.

So like...I have an entirely different outlook on life. Instead of doubting things will ever happen, I now know they will, and that the setbacks we face are challenges we will overcome to become stronger and more connected than ever before.

Instead of giving up, I am seeing the silver linings, how to pivot.

I know some situations just suck, but I see what can be used from them, by and large.

I see the way to spin the positives from events which others see as only negative.

And I am going to use that positivity to make good on my promise. I made a resolution last year to spread joy and positivity to all in my life. I'm going to make good on that. Because while days like today are a low point for me, my life as a whole is only growing higher and higher. I no longer fear it crashing down again. I'm no longer afraid of loss. I'm no longer afraid of things not working. I'm not worried about the dissonance between my hopes and aspirations versus the destruction of my life from problems.

I'm just...so optimistic about the future.

And I want to carry that energy to all who will let me give it to them. <3

Part of it has been the challenges of life, in particular, a shifted work schedule. There's a reason once the July schedule hit, I suddenly became a lot less available; work was keeping me that way, and still is this month too.

I've been exhausted, with no time or energy.

And, part of it has just been that I have too much to say.

I haven't been blogging in part because I haven't had the time to unpack what I wanted to say.

I suppose I'll start with saying this.

I love the world. I love the people within. I love people. I love humans. I love the communities I am in, and I loved the communities I no longer am in. I love my friends, and I love the people who once called me friend. I love everyone, to varying degrees. And I think that's important to note.

I can't say it as eloquently as when I was telling it to someone else who needed the reassurance, but our society has had a tendency to over-correct for certain behaviors. For instance, the term lovebombing is wonderful to know. The moment we knew what the term lovebombing was, we could identify lovebombing as lovebombing, and cut out the toxic manipulative people using it as a manipulation tactic. A good thing, to be sure...

...But then, people over-corrected. And started calling perfectly normal, healthy behavior, lovebombing.

Gift-giving can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love, it's a way to draw people in, it's a way to get them to trust you, etc. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Can. Gift-giving is not inherently manipulative. Gift-giving is not inherently lovebombing. Gift-giving is a love language. Many people give gifts to express their love, regardless of what the type of love that is, and they are not manipulative or manipulators.

It's important to recognize the distinction between the two. Lovebombing is a manipulation tactic manipulators use to gain something. But gift-giving is also something can do to express their unconditional love, and that is one of the most beautiful forms of love there is.

Showering with affection can be a form of lovebombing. It's a way to often get conditional displays of love. It's a way to make people feel loved, appreciated, but then to exert control by making that love have requirements, or to have that love be for a purpose. But the important part here is the CAN BE. Showering with affection is not inherently manipulative. This one is actually more important to realize and recognize, because while gift-giving is understood as a form of love language fairly easily (we give gifts on birthdays and Christmas and to loved ones and to significant others all the time), as a society we tend to have been numbed to genuinely complimenting people with pleasantries beyond the standard.

But all the same, showering with affection IS a love language, a la Gomez Addams showering his wife with unending praise and affection. There tends to be a stigma about "showing with actions rather than words", and that the words of showering with praise aren't actions, but those words when backed by time, investment, and consistency ARE actions. They are a form of showing how much you love someone by finding and crafting the words that demonstrate it.

There was a time when we had an understanding of this in some form. Writing poetry was seen as a grand romantic gesture, of displaying true love. Similarly so for songs. But when you take it into a different medium of just speech, people tend to think that somehow, it's not the same level of having been made and crafted with words. What you say, what you take time to write, what words you decide to make into praise, all of those? They ARE a love language.

And many people, myself included, gift words, showering with praise, as our way of expressing love, regardless of what type of love that is. It's particularly the case for me because I'm not talented enough to create gifts for people and even if I were I don't have the time to invest because I can't make them quickly. It's not a skill I have, not naturally at least. I can't give monetary gifts either because I'm basically broke. My financial situation continues to be terrible, so I can't give gifts.

So...what can I give? Not crafted gifts, not bought gifts, what way of expressing love do I have left? ...Words. That's all I have. Words, to express myself, to give my love to all in my life, and to show how much I care about them. Spreading joy and positivity, with words of encouragement, of support, of laughter, of love. 

And while my imposter syndrome will tell me I am a manipulator...that the skills of manipulation are so ingrained in me that I can't not manipulate people...

...if I am actually honest with myself...

...I am not a manipulator by taking the time to craft my words. I'm just choosing the best way to express myself, to express my love, and am being considerate, kind, and caring.

And I think that's important to recognize.

Which...brings me to the next thing.

I have such love of people, and I truly wish to see the best in them all.

I have this belief. "Most humans are good, but all humans are imperfect." Most humans are good, but all humans are flawed. Most humans are good, but all humans make mistakes.

And I try to live my life understanding others with compassion, empathy, and truly trying to see their perspective. I don't believe in "sides" for most issues, because there's not sides to be taken; there's perspectives to understand and then process to form our own. There's no judgement, there's only processing information and deducing things from it.

And...like, I'm pretty good at understanding. I'm pretty good at seeing the other perspectives. I'm pretty good at filling in the gaps, seeing their viewpoints, etc. But not perfect. And the only way I can get better is by people sharing, so I can know. Communication is a skill which seems to have been by and large lost. There's breakdowns of conversations, rather than trying to work through the issues.

I know it seems unrealistic, but the stereotypical Disney Channel Original Movie (or similarly so for shows reaching a climax of episodes and especially seasons) have a cliche:
Character A lays out the flaws of Character B, but apologies for their own, understands them, and tries to make it up.
Character B apologies for their flaws, understands them, lays out Character A's flaws, but understands them, and wants to make it up.
This can go back and forth for a bit, but then...

...something magical happens:
...They reconcile through this. By acknowledging their faults and shortcomings, but sharing their perspective to not be walked all over, calling the other side out, but understanding them, the communication doesn't break down, and they hug, and then things are good again.

...It sounds unrealistic, doesn't it?

...But my question is; why?
Why can't we do exactly that?

Why isn't that exactly how we SHOULD do things?

Why should we need to cut ties with people, why should we need to end things, why should we need to distance ourselves?

Obviously, we can choose to, if reconciliation is truly impossible.

But why is there such a societal pressure where you NEED, you MUST, cut ties, rather than trying to heal?

Why CAN'T we resolve it like characters from a Disney Channel Original Movie?
Why can't we talk it out, with us establishing our perspective, but accepting the perspective of others? Why can't we admit we could be mistaken in some areas but stand firm in saying we aren't mistaken in others? If both sides do so and there aren't irreconcilable cases...

...Why can't we keep the people we love, as people we love?

I genuinely don't understand why the instinct is to cut out rather than to hold conversation.

I get cutting out people who were actively harmful and toxic. That needs no explanation. But why would you cut out a loved one for what amounts to something which wasn't that level of harmful and toxic? Why is EVERY hurt met with "distance, cut out"? Why is EVERY pain met with that level of withdrawal and giving up on keeping the person as a loved one? That's what I don't get. If the love is there...isn't it worth trying to keep?

​So on my end...I try to keep the line of communication open. To understand, to try and get it.

But there's some things I can't get, and they challenge my perspective on people being good.

There are people who I want to believe are good, yet flawed, but...sometimes, those people take actions that I can't figure out how they could be taken by a good person.

Which brings me to the main thing I wanted to say.
And it's sharing, without namedropping, a dilemma I've had.

I've considered going public about what happened last year, from March 21st 2023 through July 2023 with some spillover that has followed us to this day. As a form of self-advocacy, to explain in public our perspective when almost nobody was willing to hear us out. (The only people who did were close friends.) Yet...another reason I've considered going public is because if I am wrong about the people being good...then they have red flags that are alarming, dangerous, and could continuously cause harm if not addressed.

I want to be clear. I am intent on moving on. My fiance and I want to move on, rebuild our lives, and not dwell on the past. We want to be happy. We want to enjoy life, be content. We are much loved by our friends, and I in particular have a lot of love to give. I want to spread the love to those who will allow me to, pursue my creative endeavors, and basically live life.

I don't want to go public anymore. Despite how I got a reading which said it would go really well, despite how I believe me going public would enlighten people, shed some light on things, make people reconsider, and essentially launch an entire inquiry into how things happened the way they did and how the lies about us spread as they did. I know good would come from sharing...but I don't want to, because I instead want to share on moving on, on protecting my peace, on healing, on becoming better, stronger, more empathetic, more learned, and more incredible and wonderful a human than ever before.

Yet it does bear mentioning.
There are some red flags I want to at least air out.

Most of the red flags are things I can think of innocent justifications for.

There's one or two that I cannot.

So I will share at least this much, without namedropping names. Those who read this blog will likely know the names, although nobody reads my blog. But if anyone were to, they would likely know who I am talking about.

Last year, my fiance was a mod for a streamer.
That streamer has a sizeable community.
Some of those community members are friends, and last year, I was invited by a community member to be part of their private friend server. It's on that community member's server that my fiance and I bonded, becoming closer friends.

On March 21st, an artist for that private friend server (who made emotes for it) as well as a couple of others had some complaints about the streamer we had all met and become friends through. The server owner created a subthread for it, which ended up having eight people involved, or thereabouts. The server owner, their partner, the artist who was also a VIP, myself, my fiance, a friend, and a couple of other long-time community members.

​For five months, we had various criticisms of the streamer in question. And ultimately, the character of the streamer in question is important here.

Because there's two extremes.

On one extreme, the streamer in question is a good person, better than most, and we were forming an echo chamber focused on the flaws and amplifying them. We were fully in the wrong for basically everything we did, despite our criticisms having provably had some merit.

I...can't find myself believing this extreme, at least not in its entirety.

On the other extreme, we were whistleblowers. We were compiling a list of red flags that would have helped to expose just how problematic the streamer in question is. We were in denial about how problematic the streamer was, and in our good intentions when we were trying to help the streamer be better, we were looking from the wrong mindset. We all believed the streamer was a good person so we assumed the red flags were just small things that were issues, rather than the red flags they actually were.

We would, in having wanted to believe the streamer was a good yet flawed person, have had all the evidence but not known the importance of the evidence.

​What's scary about this extreme is that my only reasons for not believing it are my own philosophy and wanting to trust in the judgements of others.
I want to believe the streamer in question is a good person, just flawed, even despite my fiance saying they aren't a good person. (I want to be clear my fiance does not see the streamer as this extreme. My fiance thinks the streamer is a lousy person, but also doesn't think they are actually monstrous, which is the extreme I laid out above.)

​And...the streamer in question is very close to dozens upon dozens of people who have made these kinds of judgements before. All of them have cut out former toxic "friends" who were problematic, and have gotten very good at identifying warning signs. So, if all of them trust the streamer in question and think the streamer in question is good...then surely, they can't all be wrong, right?

So like...my own philosophy as well as wanting to trust in the collective ability of others tells me that the streamer in question would be closer to the former than the latter extreme.

...Yet...

...At the same time...

...These same collective people who judge the streamer in question as being good, are the same collective people who judged me and my fiance as being problematic enough to need to be removed from their spaces. If I want to believe myself not problematic, then I must by extent believe that collective judgement can be wrong. That it was wrong about me, and overly harsh on my fiance. If I am not problematic enough to warrant removal, then a collective judgement saying I am would be wrong, and therefore, if I believe myself to not be problematic (and on my better days I do believe myself to not be problematic), then I must believe,
"They got it wrong once...they could have gotten it wrong again."

​There is also the fact a highly spiritually attuned person had their instincts scream at them something was horribly, horribly "off" about the streamer in question. Every time they attended that streamer's streams, something felt WRONG to them. They had a strong reaction to the streamer, without knowing WHY. And because of how spiritually attuned that person is, because of how good their instincts are, they are someone whose instincts influence me.

​And that pushes me away from the former extreme and closer to the latter.

Then there are the red flags I can't ignore, I can't justify.

The streamer in question modded my fiance when my fiance was 22. They sent and offered my fiance gifts, on multiple occasions. They repeatedly called my fiance their friend, over and over again, until my fiance was browbeat into believing the streamer was their friend. Again, this was INITIATED BY THE STREAMER, not by my fiance. My fiance didn't say they were friends until after countless times of the streamer calling my fiance their friend.

​The friendship was initiated by the streamer, and propagated by the streamer. Not inherently a red flag, except...

...The streamer spread that my fiance had a parasocial relationship with them. When it was the other way around, the streamer had a parasocial relationship with my fiance. The streamer spread the idea that my fiance has issues thinking streamers are their friend, when the friendship was initated BY THE STREAMER.

And...I can't explain why the streamer would lie about my fiance that way. I KNOW the streamer called my fiance their friend, on numerous times. I remember being on stream and on discord and seeing them repeatedly call my fiance their friend. And if I as a casual viewer remember, then other viewers would, too. The proof that the streamer REPEATEDLY called my fiance their friend exists...yet they lied, and spread the idea that my fiance made it up, that my fiance was delusional for thinking themself friends with the streamer in question.

That kind of red flag, I can't justify. And we have proof of this too. We have proof of the streamer calling my fiance their friend, of offering and actually giving things to my fiance. So why did they lie about it, and how come everyone believed the lie? That's a big gigantic red flag that I cannot find any good person justification for. Why would the streamer spread a lie which caused my fiance to be effectively removed from every space they cared about overnight? I know they did, I just can't think of a valid reason to.

​Then there is something my fiance told me about a conversation.
One of the people to ban my fiance said that my fiance had blocked the streamer on discord, and ran to that person, essentially. But...the thing is...
...That couldn't have happened. The one platform the streamer is friends with my fiance is on discord. Even if my fiance no longer shared servers with the streamer in question (my fiance had left the discord when things were going down), being discord friends with the streamer in question would bypass that discord limitation and allow conversation. There's no way the streamer could have attempted to talk to my fiance and failed.

So, why did the streamer claim that my fiance had blocked them? It couldn't have been a mistake, or misunderstanding, because on discord by being friends you are given that ability to communicate and to this day the streamer is still friends with my fiance. At literally any time, they could send a message to my fiance, and vice-versa. Why did it get spread that my fiance had blocked the streamer? I can't justify that.

​Then there is the contents which initiated this. My fiance got illegally recorded in a private discord call with someone they considered a friend. (And, yes, it was illegal, because discord counts as a communication line and my fiance was in a two-party state at the time which requires consent. They never gave consent to be recorded, and therefore the recording was illegal. Pointing this out is pointing out a fact. The person taking the recording broke the law. My fiance was within their legal right to have access to the recording and to take legal action against having been recorded. That is also a fact. Pointing that out is just pointing out facts. What matters most for the character of my fiance is that at the end of the day? They didn't pursue legal action...again, because WE WANT TO MOVE ON.)

​My fiance never got access to that recording, but they very clearly remember what they said. They remember saying that if they were to publicly criticize the streamer on twitter, that they would be accused by people on twitter of being a racist. Which is true. Twitter is a cesspool, and valid criticism of terrible people is often said by toxic twitter residents to be bigotry.

Yet somehow, that got spread as my fiance having said the streamer is racist. Despite my fiance swearing they never said that. We don't have access to the recording so obviously we don't know what the recording said, but my fiance SWEARS they remember, crystal clearly, their EXACT wording. And I've heard them recite their exact wording multiple times. I could even write it here on the blog. They know what they said, or at least they genuinely believe they do, and what they swear they said doesn't match up with what the streamer claims they said.

I can KINDA justify this one. My fiance is human, and could be mistaken about what they said. What they said might have had a wording more ambiguous than they remember, and that more ambiguous wording could be interpreted as something along those lines, maybe. But that requires maybe after maybe, when my fiance is very very sure about what they said.

​And then there was something that involved the friend server owner and their partner talking to me.

During the 5 months this was all going on, my fiance repeatedly said they were on the verge of unmodding, and just leaving. They said this no less than 4 times being "this is my 13th reason" and being seconds away from having hit the unmod button. The friend server owner and their partner talked my fiance into not pulling the trigger on unmodding, on remaining a mod, on staying. Repeatedly. Every time my fiance was on the verge of quitting, the friend server owner and their partner would convince my fiance that we needed them to stay.

...Yet after the streamer in question talked to the server owner and their partner, between July 23rd and July 25th, the server owner and their partner in their messages to me tried to convince me that my fiance (friend at the time) was jealous of another mod being administrator in the streamer's discord and wanted that position back.

The VERY PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY FIANCE NOT HAVING UNMODDED, tried to tell ME, someone who was there for all of these times they told my fiance not to unmod, that my fiance wanted more power in the community. And to this day, I cannot explain how the very people who KNEW my fiance was on the verge of leaving the community (my fiance has left the community of streamers they were overly frustrated with before, and was repeatedly on the verge of doing so again), tried to claim to me the exact opposite, that my fiance was trying to entrench themself and gain extra power, when that's the exact opposite of FIVE MONTHS OF EXPERIENCE we had.

I'm not sure if the streamer in question gaslit the server owner and their partner that badly to where they believed it,
The server owner and their partner were trying to gaslight me,
Or if it was a mixture of both.

But regardless, there was gaslighting going on and it wasn't from me or my fiance. I KNOW my fiance was only talked out of outright leaving by the duo of the friend server owner and their partner. I KNOW they didn't want power back. So I know that is another lie. The only thing I don't know is who propagated it.

If the streamer gaslit the server owner and their partner that hard, then it would be their lying, manipulation, and it would be an extra red flag because it would mean they were so convincing at lying that the two people who MOST should know my fiance wasn't wanting what was alleged, somehow got convinced they wanted it.

If the friend server owner and their partner just tried to gaslight me, then that means they willingly and deliberately propagated a lie they knew was a lie, just to try and protect their own interests and try and maintain their positions.

I don't know which is worse, but either way, one of them was gaslighting regardless. One of them tried manipulation regardless. And both are terrible positions that I cannot for the life of me find a justification for.

And...it's because of that, that I am beginning to be more in line with my fiance's view. My fiance doesn't think of the streamer as being the monstrous extreme I laid out above, but thinks the streamer is a terrible person, and...

...As much as I want to believe in the people being good...

...I can't find a way to justify the lying, gaslighting, and manipulation which left my fiance suicidal enough where they wrote out a note and were literally going to kill themself, with me as the only thing to save them.

In tandem with us having spotted red flags, which while they can have innocent justifications can also be...well, RED FLAGS...

...And me trusting that spiritually attuned person...

...I just...can't find myself believing in the better nature of the streamer.

They'd be at best in the middle, and closer to the monster extreme I mentioned.

And...that is why I know going public would do a lot of good. We could prove most of this. We could self-advocate to defend ourselves from the lies spread about us. We could potentially expose a monster who those with better resources could further investigate into.

...And yet...at the same time...I don't want to. I want the best success to be moving on without having needed to, essentially. The people who didn't let me and my fiance self-advocate were not worth investing time in because if they weren't willing to hear us out and if the result of them not having heard us out was a monster getting away with horrible things...then they aren't people I want to invite back into my life even if they ended up believing me.

I want to build my life, and let those that cut me out of theirs deal with the consequences down the line, essentially.

I want to live my life, move on, heal, and keep the friends who wanted to hear us out.

So, at the end of the day...it doesn't matter much.

I've aired this out. My belief, my love, my perspective, some knowledge bombs, etc. i've kept a lot generic including not disclosing the red flags we uncovered. But I just want it put on the record. If the streamer is ever canceled for being a problematic POS...we knew. We knew back in 2023. We were in denial because we wanted to believe in their goodness, but we KNEW. And my fiance was driven to nearly kill themself for the crime of having known, and been a whistleblower. But, again, that's only if the monster extreme is closer to reality.

I'll just leave this out there for posterity; time truly will tell. Either we were wrong, or we were right. If we were wrong, moving on is for the best. If we were right, it will come out with time, and the questions about why nobody listened to us back then will be asked when it finally does come to light.

Meanwhile, I will continue to spread joy and positivity and become a Breeacon of light, healing, helping, loving.

​Thank you for listening.