There's a lot that I've wanted to blog about, but I've never found the time to talk about it.
I think that the top topic that I want to cover right now though is basically a focus on my life right now.
At the moment, I am feeling depressed, and like I'm not doing anything.
I've been suffering from insomnia, causing me to be unable to rest, and I've been restless, making it harder for me to continuously just live in the moment and cuddle with kels. I WANT to cuddle with them, spend time with them, and just give them all of the love and support and time and energy in my day, but I just have a level of...unease, anxiety, discomfort, inability to just...rest. I wish I could cuddle and rest until I fell asleep to nap and get some of that rest that I lose to the insomnia.
I want cuddling with my love to cause me to fall into a place of such great comfort that I fall asleep and can just be there for them.
And like...normally, I can!
Normally, it does!
My current inability to is a new thing for the last few days, and it's frustrating me. I feel like I'm failing them, I feel like I'm not getting the rest I myself need and thus am failing myself, I don't know WHY the insomnia and inability to fall back into the comfort cuddles is there, because it SHOULDN'T be. It hasn't been nor should it be. So I don't know what changed.
Related, I have also been feeling a depression. That all I do, it feels like, is work, stream once or twice a week, then sleep. I don't feel like I'm doing anything except working my job then resting. I don't feel like I'm doing enough, and that feeds a depression.
But...all of this doesn't feel like any of it is the cause, it feels like it's all a symptom of something. Or rather one of these might be the cause with the others as the symptoms, but, you get the idea. There's an issue, that is causing many related problems, and it is leaving me feeling like I am not doing enough, that I am failing myself by not getting rest, but also that I am failing others by not being there for them. I'm both feeling like I'm stretched too thin but also that I'm not branched out enough, that I'm wasting my free time while also feeling like I have none.
And like...all of the things to help, feel like they are only temporarily helping me, before I fall into the same patterns having forgotten the help I got.
Which is all kinds of frustrating because I don't want to be stuck.
Objectively, I know that I'm not neglecting my love or my friends.
Objectively, I know I am making progress on doing the things I want to be doing. (More on that below.)
Objectively, I know that I need to take whatever downtime I need, so if I were to spend all day in bed not doing any work whatsoever, it's because I needed that rest.
...But, just because I objectively know that, doesn't mean I subjectively feel that.
Subjectively, I feel like I'm not doing enough.
Yeah, I know better than to take on too many things.
But I also know that I have ambitions and I won't progress them if I don't work on them.
Nobody is going to work on my novel if I don't, after all.
And...
...I thought about the five things I most want to focus on in my life, the five things I don't want to give up.
My wife, my love, my greatest treasure, Kelsey Marie Cousins, is the one I want above all others, above all else. They are always my top priority and the most important thing in my life.
My friends/family are who I most want to have beyond my love. Just vibing with them, in any shape or form, is something I never want to give up on. By extension, I'm rolling my content creation into this (which, kinda a cheat, as you can argue content creation would be a separate thing, but, my list my rules), specifically because while my content creation might have viewers, 80% of my content is made to entertain and provide good vibes for my friends (and potentially, family). Like, I might have nonfriends who pop into my streams, but almost every single person in my streams is a friend, and they are there to soak up the good vibes, and I want to always give them that.
My writing is a third thing I want to prioritize. My spirit team is very very very strong pushing me to pursue my creativity, and it's focused on my writing and a new endeavor I really want to pursue. Particularly my novel, but also to do more poetry.
My art is something that I also want to get into--not just for content creation. Just for art.
And then there's a new calling--a calling to music. My spirit team is also pushing me towards music. Composing music, writing songs, doing covers...all of it. I have no knowledge basis here...so I would need to teach myself...but I want to do it, and feel drawn to it despite the challenges.
Everything else is a "release as they no longer serve me".
Things not listed are all extra. And I don't want to let go of them--for instance, this blog.
But...they're not my top priority.
At least not right now.
I want to overcome my fears, of finances, of failures. My anxieties, my depression.
And to manifest my dream.
I think I can dream big, and make it big.
I just need to manifest it by putting in the work, bit by bit.
I think that the top topic that I want to cover right now though is basically a focus on my life right now.
At the moment, I am feeling depressed, and like I'm not doing anything.
I've been suffering from insomnia, causing me to be unable to rest, and I've been restless, making it harder for me to continuously just live in the moment and cuddle with kels. I WANT to cuddle with them, spend time with them, and just give them all of the love and support and time and energy in my day, but I just have a level of...unease, anxiety, discomfort, inability to just...rest. I wish I could cuddle and rest until I fell asleep to nap and get some of that rest that I lose to the insomnia.
I want cuddling with my love to cause me to fall into a place of such great comfort that I fall asleep and can just be there for them.
And like...normally, I can!
Normally, it does!
My current inability to is a new thing for the last few days, and it's frustrating me. I feel like I'm failing them, I feel like I'm not getting the rest I myself need and thus am failing myself, I don't know WHY the insomnia and inability to fall back into the comfort cuddles is there, because it SHOULDN'T be. It hasn't been nor should it be. So I don't know what changed.
Related, I have also been feeling a depression. That all I do, it feels like, is work, stream once or twice a week, then sleep. I don't feel like I'm doing anything except working my job then resting. I don't feel like I'm doing enough, and that feeds a depression.
But...all of this doesn't feel like any of it is the cause, it feels like it's all a symptom of something. Or rather one of these might be the cause with the others as the symptoms, but, you get the idea. There's an issue, that is causing many related problems, and it is leaving me feeling like I am not doing enough, that I am failing myself by not getting rest, but also that I am failing others by not being there for them. I'm both feeling like I'm stretched too thin but also that I'm not branched out enough, that I'm wasting my free time while also feeling like I have none.
And like...all of the things to help, feel like they are only temporarily helping me, before I fall into the same patterns having forgotten the help I got.
Which is all kinds of frustrating because I don't want to be stuck.
Objectively, I know that I'm not neglecting my love or my friends.
Objectively, I know I am making progress on doing the things I want to be doing. (More on that below.)
Objectively, I know that I need to take whatever downtime I need, so if I were to spend all day in bed not doing any work whatsoever, it's because I needed that rest.
...But, just because I objectively know that, doesn't mean I subjectively feel that.
Subjectively, I feel like I'm not doing enough.
Yeah, I know better than to take on too many things.
But I also know that I have ambitions and I won't progress them if I don't work on them.
Nobody is going to work on my novel if I don't, after all.
And...
...I thought about the five things I most want to focus on in my life, the five things I don't want to give up.
My wife, my love, my greatest treasure, Kelsey Marie Cousins, is the one I want above all others, above all else. They are always my top priority and the most important thing in my life.
My friends/family are who I most want to have beyond my love. Just vibing with them, in any shape or form, is something I never want to give up on. By extension, I'm rolling my content creation into this (which, kinda a cheat, as you can argue content creation would be a separate thing, but, my list my rules), specifically because while my content creation might have viewers, 80% of my content is made to entertain and provide good vibes for my friends (and potentially, family). Like, I might have nonfriends who pop into my streams, but almost every single person in my streams is a friend, and they are there to soak up the good vibes, and I want to always give them that.
My writing is a third thing I want to prioritize. My spirit team is very very very strong pushing me to pursue my creativity, and it's focused on my writing and a new endeavor I really want to pursue. Particularly my novel, but also to do more poetry.
My art is something that I also want to get into--not just for content creation. Just for art.
And then there's a new calling--a calling to music. My spirit team is also pushing me towards music. Composing music, writing songs, doing covers...all of it. I have no knowledge basis here...so I would need to teach myself...but I want to do it, and feel drawn to it despite the challenges.
Everything else is a "release as they no longer serve me".
Things not listed are all extra. And I don't want to let go of them--for instance, this blog.
But...they're not my top priority.
At least not right now.
I want to overcome my fears, of finances, of failures. My anxieties, my depression.
And to manifest my dream.
I think I can dream big, and make it big.
I just need to manifest it by putting in the work, bit by bit.
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