I'm leaving within the next 24 hours for a Thanksgiving vacation that will take me until next month--so this is very likely my last blog of the month.

I'll do whatever I can to keep people in touch during the time I'm traveling and when I arrive, but, I'm likely not going to be blogging until around December 4th, give or take a day or so.

I've got a lot to do and my body needed a death nap today, again, so like...still going to be doing a lot going forward, but...gotta try my best.

I don't really have the time to truly outline anything really hopeful, but I do want to say...despite everything, my worldview is actually more optimistic than ever before. I love this world, and the people in it. I love humanity. I love the people. And that love has only grown stronger, rather than being shattered.

I believe love, kindness, caring, compassion, empathy, learning, understanding, and support are stronger forces when acted upon than greed, apathy, and hate.

I believe most humans are good, and want to do good. That love is the natural and the default, with behaviors encouraging hate and apathy being learned. I believe we all want mostly the same things. We want to have the freedom to pursue our dream lives, and the security/safety to, while also enabling our loved ones to do the same. We want to leave a legacy that outlives us, while also living a fulfilled life. We want to leave a lasting difference which leaves the world a better place than it was before we were in it.

We might disagree on the means/methods, what is involved in these things, their exact definitions, etc. But I genuinely believe most humans want something along those lines.

That humans are smart, brilliant, creative, artsy, innovative, passionate, filled with whimsy, interesting, having each lived a storied life worthy of sharing and telling the details of and entertaining others. I believe that humans are capable of inspiring such joy, from humor, from uplifting, from supporting each other. I believe humans are loving and supportive and want to help their loved ones and to show that level of care for other humans.

I cannot hate humanity. I don't have it in me. I can't even hate any human no matter how worthy of hate. Pity, to be sure. I mourn the loss of the good person those monsters could have been, if given an environment and choices where they were given the chance to learn how to be a good person. But never hate, because I know that most monsters were born from their circumstances and environment and could have lived lives not as a monster if things were different.

I know that humanity is flawed. But there is beauty in those flaws, and I just love everyone, no matter their flaws.

So as always, I just want to say to stay strong. Believe in yourself, and your loved ones, and in humanity. Do what you need to stay safe and protect loved ones, but at the same time? Remember to live life, and remain hopeful. The world is already a beautiful, wonderful place. We can make it an even better one, as long as we believe in our dreams being possible. So stay hopeful, stay loving each other, and we will survive, and we will build the lives we want. Much love. <3

There's an hour before I'm planning to go to a Sapphic event and the event runs until early morning so I will be too dead upon returning to do anything but sleep.

I'll say I'm going to be rather busy going forward, with work, prep trip, etc. I'm also dealing with a severe dry-eye-feeling issue that is affecting me rather strongly and I don't know why.

But, to the best of my ability, I still want to give blogs the next couple of days before my trip begins. I won't be able to blog on said trip, but I want to give as much of my life as I can, even if not sharing all of the uplifting stuff I'm aiming to.

I tested Instagram Reels today and it works. It's a little bit more of a pain compared to TikTok, but I can make it work going forward. I'll be posting there as well as BlueSky going forward, and continuing to network and communicate with my discord peeps.

We're going into rough territory. But I want to have faith that we can get through this, together.

So as always, protect your loved ones, and stay strong. We can do this. <3

I've been getting very badly burnt out and I don't know why.

I'm working reasonable hours at work, a schedule that I have adjusted to.

I've been going to bed 1 - 2 hours early every night.

I've been having death-naps every single day this week.

I've been conserving energy, and doing less at work.

I've become more efficient at all the things I'm doing.

I've actually not been taking up too many things. Like, genuinely, the only things I've been doing are work, trip prep, and daily check-ins on discord. That's about it.

I've been meditating more, to try and help reserve and restore my energy in what amounts to micro-naps. (Something I used to be really good at doing, but fell out of the habit of doing in the last few years.)

I've done everything to not strain my brain, and not burn my energy, and everything to stay positive and happy.

And none of it is making a difference. I am still burning out, being exhausted, tired, and just lethargic.

I have noticed, at times, I have had depression this week, albeit not consistent throughout the day.
And like...it's possible I would be sick, but as far as I know I'm not sick???

So like...I'm tired.

My wife is suggesting that maybe just doing daily check-ins is draining energy. But that doesn't make sense to me. I'm actually doing less work for daily check-ins than I was doing before. I know that doing tarot readings can drain energy but those involve tapping into spiritual energies in order to give advice, mine is just words spoken largely from the heart, with like thirty seconds to coalesce. I'm not tapping into anything to make them as far as I know, so like...why would they be draining? They're certainly meant to uplift others and keep them afloat, but I'm not putting energy into manifesting them doing that, as far as I know.

But I dunno.

Regardless, that's why I haven't been blogging this week. I've been exhausted to the point of conking out and legitimately passing out at times. I'm that tired. But, I do want to keep doing my best as I can.

Next week I'll be gone on vacation until December, so don't be alarmed when there's radio silence there; I'll be traveling and unable to write blogs in that timeframe. But, I'll try to get one tomorrow (no guarantee), and Saturday (no guarantee), and Sunday (where I absolutely should).

Anyway, I have nothing but love to give, but this blog isn't a place where I have the energy to tonight give more.

I wish I had words of affirmation to present, but tonight all I can do is give my new normal sign-off.

Do what you can to protect yourself and your loved ones. Stay strong. <3

...But it was for the best possible reason.

Yesterday was incredibly draining, but in the best way? All of the good in life being overwhelming.

Because yesterday, my wife and I officially got married. Kelsey Marie Lewis is my wife now. We had a wonderful day, but it left me so exhausted, I couldn't say anything on my blog, which is disappointing.

Since this entry is going to be relatively early in the day, I'll see if I can make another entry later today, with this being an honorary entry for yesterday and the later one being an entry for today.

No promises though--yesterday I knew I was pushing myself too far, but did it anyway; today I am tired and dealing with the burnout, so am largely going to be required to rest.

Regardless, there's small bits of happiness and love even in these trying times. Remember your loved ones and all that matters about them, how much you care about them, and love them, the happiness they bring you. Protect your future with them, and stay safe. <3

God, today was a lot more exhausting than it was supposed to be.

I'll tackle where to keep posting daily check-ins tomorrow as I'm doing them I guess, was planning to do that and more tonight but no.

I'm just dead.

​Sorry.

Some days are recharge days, and by and large, today was one of them. I posted a daily affirmation and started to do some other stuff but never did much but rest and pursue personal projects, because I can't be strong for other people all of the time and today, I just needed the day off, as it were.

The positives behind it? I'm relatively recharged. I got some work done on my novel, albeit incredibly minor. I began to revamp my YouTube channel's uploaded twitch vods.

And then it was just kinda...resting, and spending time with my wife.

It's not a productive day, but it was a restful one and much needed for me to retain the strength I need to do what I want and need to going forward.

Sometimes, it really sucks that we just have to move on and pretend like nothing has changed or is about to--but, to change every aspect of our daily routine for what's to come is...a luxury. We kinda have no choice. We have to pretend we're continuing life like nothing is different, because at least for the time being, nothing is.

We know it will be. But not until next year. So temporarily, life goes on. Including me getting exhausted and barely managing to blog. But, as I can, I will do what I can.

​Stay safe. Much love. <3

...but I lost them as a result of the day.

Today was good, very good in fact, but it removed my thoughts to the point of being what is commonly known as "no thoughts, head empty".

It wasn't a bad drain, but it was a drain, enough where I don't have much to say.

​Apologies for no words of reassurance today but at least I'm checking in!

...But I wanted to at least try to lay out some thoughts.

Right now, the past doesn't matter. I just want to normalize this message going forward as I feel it important.

Nothing anyone has done to me, and nothing I have done to other people, would ever stop me from helping them if they need it.

I've always had nothing but love for everyone. That love is unconditional, giving full support.

To put this into context.

I had a lot of thoughts about the upcoming events.

December 3rd will be one year since my wife proposed to me.
December 4th will be one year since we have had a place together.

And December 5th through 6th will be one year since I lost most of my friends, to what I suspect was the malice of the two accomplices to the problematic streamer who nearly drove my wife to kill themself. And that loss led me to nearly kill myself. And for the last year, we've been trading off on the consequences of that misinformation campaign, where we've been suicidal and nearly lost our lives numerous times.

But all of that...all of that...means nothing.

Going forward, the past means nothing.

The problematic streamer and the people who I believe were willing knowing accomplices? Despite their problematic nature, I have always thought they're not complete monsters. They aren't going to be celebrating what's going on. They're going to be afraid, and need support, and love, and so much more, going forward...just like me.

I don't care what I believe them to have done. If they need help, and if I have any ability to help them...I will. Because love isn't conditional. Love isn't revoked off of what was done in the past. Love is something that I cannot help but give to everyone, no matter their past, no matter how flawed they are. While I wanted the truth to come forward, and I wanted them to face accountability and responsibility, I never wanted them to undergo, say, being canceled. Being banned. Being ostracized. None of them deserve that. Very, very few people do.

Like a lot of the people about to celebrate having increased power, mind you, who actually do deserve bans, ostracization, cancelation, etc. But most people don't deserve that fate.

​I don't care what people did to me.

Nor do I care what I have done to them.

​I genuinely think that, going forward, the past doesn't matter.

What matters is the present and the future, which...we need to prepare and plan for.

We need to network. We need to stay safe. To protect. To educate, to learn, to understand, to spread knowledge. To show kindness, caring, compassion, empathy, and love.

Playing the blame game won't do good. Blame leads to resentment and hatred, the very things we're trying to triumph over.

We can't be apathetic.

We have to fight.

We have to stay strong, plan effectively, protect ourselves and loved ones.

We have to hold onto the hope that love, empathy, kindness, compassion, care, understanding, knowledge, and support are stronger than hatred and oppression.

As long as we fight for those things, we will never lose to the apathy, greed, and hatred of the world.

Silence/inaction is how hatred and oppression fueled by apathy and greed wins. Staying as safe as you can, networking, checking in on loved ones, supporting each other, and building communities of love, kindness, and understanding? Is how they lose, and empathy, connection, and love wins.

We can't stay silent. As long as it's relatively safe to speak up, we have to. Speak not with anger, retaliation, outage, etc., but with calmness, compassion, patience, and love. It's okay to feel grim, but let your voice be heard, and show who you are.

A lot of people are afraid right now, and with good reason. But going forward, we're going to need a lot of bravery. A lot of courage, to take action despite the fear, to risk putting ourselves at increased risk in order to protect people, to speak out rather than stay silent. Stay strong, everyone.

To blame is human. To recognize blame leads to resentment, hatred, and harm, and that those are not what is needed, is to show understanding and love. Blame can begin a lot of division. Finding what to do next is how we start bringing people together again.

Basically.

We have to remain positive. We have to uplift each other. Support each other. Be strong together. Give what we can. We won't be able to rely on the government going forward. We have to survive, together.

My thoughts are scattered, but I will try to be a point of reassurance and strength going forward.

I will not be safe, but as far as people go, I have a lot more safety than most--I feel like I am obligated to use that to help all of my loved ones.

The vocal minority being emboldened to be hateful is going to be harmful, but I need to do my best to not let that hate dominate.

We have limits to what we can do...but we have to do everything we can to do.

Stay safe.

​Much love.

In a call with one group of friends while watching things with another and having friends streams pulled up as well, and now I'm blogging too.

I'm not going to really do much with this blog, but today was great.

I got to meet ConcernedApe, and it was fantastic, but to protect myself, I won't say much more other than that I am the crab pot girlie.

Anyway, while this blog will be lackluster, it maintains my daily streak.

Stay safe everyone. And as always, much love.

Love, caring, kindness, compassion, learning, understanding, patience, planning, empathy, and support are stronger when fought for than hatred, oppression, greed, or apathy. We'll get through this. <3