I wanted to make a blog where I elaborated, but ran out of time, so I guess you get the basic copy-paste version.

So the more I think about last night, the more terrifying it becomes.
For however brief a period it might have been...I think I died last night.

I was in the middle of dreaming, when abruptly, the 'dream' shifted. Suddenly, it was the middle of the night, and I was outside, staring at a masked figure.
I knew this masked figure brought death. To get any closer, I would die.
I couldn’t move at all. I was frozen in place. I knew I was on some level terrified, but I wasn’t scared, because I couldn’t feel any emotion at all. There was just numbness, numbness to everything. The fear wasn’t emotional or physical, as much as mental. Not because I wasn’t scared physically or emotionally, but rather, because I couldn’t be scared physically or emotionally. There was a disconnect between my mind and what I was perceiving, and my body where such feelings/emotions come from. I was separated from my ability to feel anything.

Unable to move, helpless to do anything while staring at the figure of death, I did the only thing I could: I screamed. Over and over again, I screamed. I was screaming for my sister to come help me. But she couldn’t, because my scream was muted. My scream was out loud, but it was still silent. My scream didn’t reach her. Nobody could hear me, despite them being right there. I was helpless, defenseless, Unable to do anything but continue screaming into the void, despite the terror of knowing nobody could hear me.

Then, suddenly, I awoke. At first, I couldn’t move or process anything. I was standing over my body, rather than being inside of it, so I wasn’t able to feel things immediately.

Once I did?
First thing I noticed: My heart was beating rapidly.
My first instinct was it did so in response to the nightmare.
But then I noticed something:
You know how when you have circulation cut off to a limb, then have it return?
Your limb becomes numb due to the lack of circulation, and the return of circulation creates a tingling sensation throughout the limb.
I had that, except instead of one or two of my limbs, it was ALL of them. Both arms, both legs. In fact, head to toe, there was the exact same sensation: the feeling of circulation having been cut off, and gradually returning to normal.
One or two limbs losing circulation could be body position of having accidentally cut off circulation.
What could cause the entire body to lose circulation?
What could result in the entire body having a loss of blood circulation?
I have an idea, and it is terrifying if true.

In this state, I also became aware of the entity in my room acting unusual.
My room is haunted, and the spirit there is normally pretty cheerful. A bit playful, joyous, and likes to mess around. Just kinda vibes, is chill, but likes to mess with people.

This presence was freaking out.
This, normally playful spirit, a carefree entity who is slightly mischievous but ultimately harmless?
Was freaked out, and obviously panicking.

What could cause a benign spirit who normally just chills and occasionally messes with things, to start freaking out like that?

At the time, I just wanted to get back to sleep, so I tabled processing everything until today.
Now that I have, though, I am terrified.

I’ve had close calls previously, but nothing quite like THIS before. I think that, for however brief of a period, I actually died last night. Clinically/medically, at least.
Obviously, I was revived.
But I still feel like that everything together was not just me having a bad dream, then making stuff up after.
I legit think it was something far more real and horrifying.


I don't really feel like even going through the process of making the above be formatted properly, since I'm late for bed as-is, but suffice to say:
Scary stuff.

I've received various theories.
Could be a heart attack, which doctors can check for. (Need to bring it up.)
Could be sleep paralysis.
I've got a bunch to sort through but I ran out of time today.
Tomorrow's a long work day, and I've got counseling, so that'll limit my free time severely.

But I def need to pursue this, because it's not okay to leave as-is.

I've said it elsewhere but to say it on my blog:

I've gotten bad issues which are hugely chronic.

My family has always had the issue of getting up causing loss of vision/dizziness/etc. when standing up and moving too fast.

In recent times what I have had has gotten worse.

One thing is that during the night, it feels like something which shouldn't be stopping--either my heart or my breathing--is stopping while I am asleep...and my body jolts awake because it needs to in order to resume the normal rhythm. This isn't a consistent thing but happens multiple times per week on average, about twice per week or so I reckon. And, no, it's not my tongue relaxing because I sleep exclusively on my side (I basically sleep in The Recovery Position. No really, the exact position you're trained to roll people into is the position I naturally sleep in and since that position is literally designed to protect the airway...), so it's something automatic shutting off which shouldn't shut off.

Another is occasionally rapid heartbeat even when resting, but especially after having gotten up, where my heartbeat shoots up by 20-40 b/pm.
Another is severe throbbing pain headaches, after having gotten up but lingering even once sitting down. Regardless of hydration/sleep/caffeine intake.
Another is loss of vision after going fully upright--I can be bent over, and just standing up straight can cause this; I can be sitting, and getting up causes this.
And then there's the chronic "I feel like I'm about to pass out", where I literally zone out, basically black out, which has been REALLY bad this week.

I was literally passing out. I've had it four days in a row badly, including today. I literally was falling asleep unwillingly. This has been a huge issue which has been getting worse and worse and it's more and more dangerous. (Because when it hits while I'm driving...)
And then there's the nausea I've been getting recently.
And then there's the severe dizziness/loss of balance/feeling like the world is spinning, after getting up, after activity, etc.

All of these seem to worsen with physical activity.
Some of them get better in certain conditions, but they're never going away. Every day has at least one of the issues, but it's all random. I can't do it on command.

So like...idk what's wrong with me. The doctors have no clue.
Cardiology has no clue.

My doctor did a basic metabolic panel, troponin, tsh, a comprehensive metabolic panel, a hemogram, and an ekg. The hemogram had a few things too low, but that was it. (I didn't get iron tested, but the doctor didn't think that my test results indicated an iron deficiency. Still, to appease my whining, my follow-through test had that added to the list.)
The cardiologist ordered an echocardiogram, and also is mailing a 1-week heart monitor thingamajig to me to wear and get data.

Tests, tests, tests. Followthrough followthrough followthrough. But they have no clue.

It's an issue, it's not going away, it's often getting worse, it's chronic, and I am very frustrated dealing with it. I struggle to function at work, when driving, when trying to game...it's making existence exhausting.

I literally went to bed last night due to blacking out for 20 minutes, so like...what's wrong with me.


All that said.
I've had a decent day today.
I got caught up in discords (although by their nature I can't keep up all day).
I posted on CF.
Didn't post on mafia, but will get to that tomorrow.
I'll need to bring supplies to shower tomorrow, to save water here at home.

Uh, I started art but need to keep doing more.

I've begun using a cream for breast growth, dunno if it will work but who knows, worth a try.
I need to make my coffee for tomorrow.
I need to do my best to stay afloat.

Probably need to schedule followthrough bloodwork, since the last test was at the end of last month, and this month is almost over.

Uh, anything else?

I dunno.

​I'm having A Time, but like--gotta keep doing my best to live.

Gonna get only 5 hours of sleep now.
Do note, gotta take a shower at the Y tomorrow so I do need to bring my shower stuff.
Butyeah. Beds now.

Car issues (they MIGHT be okay now), taxes, body continuing to fail me, dentist appointment...suffice to say.

Been a day.

It's a miracle I blogged today to be honest--I almost didn't.

And this was my short work day.

​Tomorrow's gonna be so much worse.

...But almost isn't actually.

I almost did my taxes today, but didn't.
I almost made a real blog today, but instead you get this.
I almost kept up with everything despite a shorter day, but I lagged behind on ComicFury in particular.
I almost went to bed today before 9:30 (the six hour mark), but it's 9:45 and this blog will be the last thing I do.

Almost isn't actual, so almost isn't good enough, and almost means effectively nothing.

But it's a start.

And, hey. I did have dubs today. I showered, albeit a basic one and not a great one.
I brushed my teeth--and since I'm not making the six hour mark, I intend to do so before bed, too. (Speaking of, dentist tomorrow.)

So...staying afloat, progress, but still got a ways to go.

I don't really know what to blog about, to be honest.
I've got things that I want to talk about. But, I don't know where to really begin, what to cover exactly, to be honest.
​I guess I should mention that things are going...okay, I suppose?

I've got lots of medical stuff coming up.
I've got a dentist appointment coming up.
I'm going back to counseling for mental health.
​I am working on better healthcare, for my hair and my teeth in particular.

I went to a doctor appointment to try and solve my issues regarding constant dizziness, lightheadedness, head spinning, vision blurring, loss of balance, etc. They didn't, and I have a cardiologist appointment.

I've got a dentist appointment coming up.

So like. I've got lots of things I'm trying to do for my body.

And in plurality things we continue to discover new facets. We're up to eleven.

Morgan the Aussie.
Bella the southerner.
Amanda, a deeper-voiced woman.
Joy, a source of energy and optimism.
Hope, a reassuring voice.
Ashe, a collective of littles.
Kat, part of the Ashe system, a cat.
​Ash, a guardian of Ashe, a nonbinary phoenix.
Miranda, who plays mafia.
Hera, who survives.
Hermione, who does puns.
And Danielle, the absorbed David.

​That, aside from confirmed soulbounds of Vee, Ruby, and Phyrra.

I'm wasting some time on TFT/League, but less so. Still got quests to complete, which means I gotta keep at it. But mostly doing other things.

I've tentatively reintroduced myself to ComicFury, integrating it into my daily routine.

I've been staying atop of discord and torn and a lull in mafia means I've been fine there, too.

​No shower today unless an opening comes up later tonight where there's a lull of nothingness, but been doing better overall.

Kongregate is back with new kongpanions, I missed out on the gold this week unfortunately but I'll be back next week to start playing the games again.

​I guess being active in blogging is good.

And, I'm working on writing things for farn, again. I'm only to January 22nd, but that's better than the 19th which is where I was before. The notes I'm gathering have a high level of redundancies, and are messy, and not very clean, buuuuuut...still, progress is progress.

I'm taking a break from there for less exhaustion, but...I am probably going back in. Because I feel like I can get caught up in transferring discord notes to my documents, and then from there start transferring my existing notes to their appropriate places, expanding things out as they should be.

That's the plan at least.

​​I have no clue what I'm doing to be honest.

This blog has been written over five hours, but...it's a start I suppose.

I mean. I have a whole laundry list of things I could comment on, I just...idk, don't really know what I feel like writing about on the blog today. I guess I go stream of consciousness style, or maybe bullet-point list of things, or maybe a combination of both? (Here comes the ramble tag. xD)

We went to our first counseling/therapy session in three years (last one was as the pandemic was starting, in 2020). Little has come from it so far, but the hope is it gets me moving in the right direction.
We didn't even get to mention our plurality since it never really came up. We're not hiding it from him since we trust our counselor who probably figured it out on his own, but like...we just haven't found a way to really bring it up and talk about it yet. With frequent therapy, one of our sessions might lead to the talk about it.

We do want to tell him, we just don't know how to just say "oh by the way, we're plural". We could maybe force it, but for counseling, I personally feel like discussion should be evolving fluently and be about the topics brought up as they come up. If there's an awkward pause, and nothing fills the gap, that might be a good time and with enough sessions it'll come up eventually, but we're in no rush.

We also got a doctor's appointment this week, attempting to discuss the issues we've been having.
We wrote out a full list of issues we have going on.
Not wanting to self-diagnose, we didn't tell them what we think is causing those, because they are generic enough that any number of things could be the cause.
But we didn't get them to read the list.

Put simply, ​Autism + doctor appointment where they don't read your pre-prepared notes + don't communicate with each other + engage in a way I struggle with = guess who isn't getting answers about her medical issues. (It's me, I am the girl not getting answers.)

I got a followthrough appointment for a cardiologist. (I'll attempt to tell them the issue, doubt they'll have any more listening to me than what I already got though.)
I got prescribed dizziness medication (honestly I'm debating not even bothering with trying to get it, yet alone take it, but who knows, I might try it just to see if it works even though I know it won't).

But it doesn't seem like they were really engaging me in a way conductive to diagnosing my issues.

They repeatedly asked about anxiety--yes, I have it, I have very bad anxiety in fact, but I know for a fact these conditions aren't caused by anxiety. If anything, the moments I am anxious/stressed are the moments when my symptoms are at their weakest.
Basically, in times when I am distracted, when I am basically in a trance caused by my neuroses, most of my symptoms aren't there. When I actually obtain some semblance of peace of mind, that's when dangerous spikes happen. Thinking decreases the amount of times I am affected; not thinking increases the amount of times I am affected. The more I think of the issues, the less they happen.

Which is the exact opposite of what should be happening with stress/anxiety if stress and/or anxiety are the cause. Stress and anxiety cause these things to peak, in part because of the stress and the anxiety. But after the stress and the anxiety has faded, the symptoms tend to, too. (Which is why getting rid of the stress/anxiety makes it better.)

​Now, we can't get rid of our stress/anxiety (I don't know why), so the physical issues of stress/anxiety are definitely there (weight, mostly), but if stress and anxiety went away, I imagine the result would be these things getting even stronger and happening more often.

They probably think we're making it up, that the signs and symptoms are exaggerated, that we are creating the issue in our head.

We're not.

We know our body. We know what's going on with it. We just don't know how to describe to a medical professional what's going on, in a way that they would understand, and be productive to finding the root of the problems. I know what the issues are. I just don't know how to translate those issues into terms which a medical professional can then give a diagnosis for.

Well. I guess that'll be it for now. This medical rant ate up the majority of our blogging energy.
I'll say that we definitely are struggling to stay afloat in a lot of areas though.

There's so much we want to do.
We wanna work on the things our counselor asked us to.
We wanna stay afloat on mafia, discord, and torn, which all require extensive daily upkeep.
We wanna play games, but don't have the time to do it and anything else--we game, we lose out on doing literally everything else.
We wanna keep up on hygiene, but haven't taken a shower since last week. (And we're not going to--in all likelihood. None tonight, likely none tomorrow, probably will convince ourselves out of it Sunday too.)
We wanna stream, but were too tired yesterday and need to go to bed too soon tonight (to catch a watch party tomorrow, at least).
Did we even upload our last stream to YT? I don't think we did.

And then there's actually doing productive things.
We wanna get back onto ComicFury and add it into our daily routine. Not webcomics, mind you, and not obsessively viewing the discussion daily, but like on mafia and discord, reading the things of interest every day.
We wanna get our avatar for rBree2 on ComicFury (previously called "My Alt", our alt account) and Ranger on mafia done (same avatar, taking from both).
We wanna work on writing Farn.

We did make some minuscule progress today, a modicum of work, where we added Anna Effigy to our unofficial notes file.

But we're not getting our discord notes translated into the notes sections of any document, and we're not filling out the unofficial notes with existing notes or writing the desired new ones, by and large.

It just takes so much time...and focus...and we have none.

Yet alone, writing.

And for streaming/recording we've got work to do like downloading OBS, and we've not done that.

We're staying afloat, and that's about it.

We do have the excuse of a hellish work week, and recovering from sickness, in the last two weeks.

But we're still meant to be doing...so, so much more than we are.

We need to move forward.

We're not.
That's okay that we're not.
​But we still want to, and know we should, so knowing we should and knowing we want to, we need to figure out how to actually get there. Which again, was discussed in counseling a bit. "The level of want, and the level of prepared, both need to be high", I believe it was.

Well the want is high.
The level of preparedness?
...Well, clearly not.

Small steps are better than no steps I guess tho.

Well...crud.

And we didn't even do the needed self-care.
We've not gotten enough sleep.
We opted for napping instead of working out to survive--and still needed a double dose of Starbucks coffee to make it home (and barely did). And this was after napping and a triple dose (extra concentrated) of tea and coffee at work. So we've failed a lot. (Also we forgot to actually do the shopping we intended to.)

But, we do have some wins. We took a shower and got our medication yesterday.
We launched a probe into followthrough on mental health and will continue to try to get an update there.
We have put steps in towards seeing a doctor about the issues we've been having that have gotten worse.
Yesterday had a change of clothing, successfully doing dental hygiene, change of clothes, shampooing and moisturizing, etc.

And today we got a healthy trim for our hair. It's the beginning of hair care. We'll need to continuously follow through. Consistently have hair treatment meaning consistently showering. And coming back in 8 weeks, continuously, until our hair is far more healthy. (Our goal is to have at least knee-length hair. Our hair doesn't reach our hips currently. And won't while as damaged as it is.)

So we're making steps.
​They've just been very costly for free time.

Like. At all. At all at all.
We did take a shower and get meds today and change the clothes we have spares of and brush our teeth once.
But we didn't workout, get any story stuff done, or really do anything at all. (We might have logged into mychart, but that's a "might" because idk if it went through.) We did shampoo, and moisturize, but that's nothing special.

Tomorrow will likely be similar. We'll gas our car out of necessity. If we don't cower out of it we should get a healthy trim to start getting our hair in better condition.

Here's to hoping.

​We're likely to get nothing done, but you never know!