And I am terrified by her thoughts.

She is spewing venom filled with vitriol towards those that don’t deserve it.

She may make some harsh points, points which the targets might even agree with--but I can’t ever let her express those thoughts laced with anger.

She has my best interests in mind. Including advocating for me. But I dare not repeat what she says, not even in distilled form. I’m too scared to even write it in my private diary.

I want her thoughts to just fade away. I want her anger to dissipate. I am ashamed that some part of me wanted to express itself enough to give her that much power and energy, when I know all she will do is bring further harm.

I know that I need to keep seeing things from other people's perspective. I know I need to keep showing understanding and respect to everyone. I know healing requires me to not keep trying to intervene and say more. 

There’s a couple of things I don’t know. Namely, two mutually exclusive requests, which I don’t know how to really ask about. If the boundary of minimal interaction supersedes the desire for me to share my problems, namely.

I have plenty of problems I'd love to share, this blog only touching on the surface of them all. 

But at the same time, I don’t want to overshare. I don’t want to pressure them. I don’t want to make the mistake of believing we're closer than we are. I don’t want to violate their space, their peace, their life, by intruding with mine.

Now, that attitude is what landed me in trouble in the first place. But it was different circumstances back then. Whereas not sharing previously felt like the mistake, here sharing feels like it’d be the mistake, I guess.

But I dunno, I’m rambling. Sorry.

I should be working. It’s...difficult. 

Work is bringing out the pain.

I’m sorry for everything.

I hope one day I will be good enough.

I hope one day, I can be worthy of being welcomed.

I know I’m not.

And I know I can’t make things better.

But, I will always be here.

I know I might need to take proactive action, cautiously to avoid making things worse, but mostly I know I should just say this;
I will always be here, around to talk, around to be reached for, when you want or need me.

I'll always be there for you.

With love.

And they might give you an idea of why we don't like Danielle and fear her being around.

Danielle: "Why are you trying to be something you aren't?"

Me: "Because I don't like what I am."

Danielle: "A failure? A destructive vessel of harm? Someone good for nothing? A loser? A pain in the ass? A problem?"

There was more along those lines, but you get the idea. I don't remember the thoughts which occurred in our mind because they happened so quickly, but my mind was engaged in that conversation. Danielle basically wants me to embrace my anger and lash out, to admit what I am and proudly be it, despite how nasty I can get when I am that way.

And I can never let that happen--not again.

When the second and third most important people in my life get hurt, badly hurt, very very badly hurt, by the aftereffects of me having unleashed my anger months prior? That's unacceptable. It can never happen again. Never again. All the times I have the impulse to be angry, all the times I have the impulse to lash out, all the times I feel like I am in the right and violently want to viciously cut into someone with my words to let them know that?

I need to never again let that happen. It's part of who I am, yes. But it's the part of me I am most afraid of, and for good reason. That anger could cost me my job. That anger cost me my closest friendships. That anger is a force for destruction, and while I know it exists and is a part of me, I need to develop a healthy outlet.

Ranting isn't a healthy outlet. That's what landed me in trouble in December, from my earlier rant in July. Ranting only causes further harm. Venting isn't great, either. I can't accept any negative feedback spiral. I need to avoid all toxicity. I need to avoid any negativity.

I need to develop a way to healthily let out my anger, while also doing so in a way which channels that anger towards good. I've acknowledged the anger, suppressed it, and used empathy to point out why that anger is bad--by seeing the other side, I can see why they are doing what they are, and by seeing that, I can understand them and get over that anger.

But, that approach isn't getting rid of the destructive impulses within me and they keep getting directed towards myself, making me hate myself because hating myself is less bad than hating anyone else or hating the world. I, very briefly, attained that level of enlightenment in November, where for about a month, I stopped hating anyone including myself. But, I lost that when everything happened in December.

So like. I dunno. Danielle is not a force of evil or malevolence, but she can and would be bad to be unleashed. So like...with the level of anger we have and how she gets stronger when we are more angry, I just...am afraid she will come forward and destroy our life again, in her view saving/liberating/protecting us. But like...I'm scared.

I want to be better than that anger. I want to be at peace with the world, but also myself. I want to be stronger. I want to see others and understand them and work with them, not against them. I want to conquer my demons more or less, and just...be the beacon of empathy and positivity and joy I know I can be.

This weekend, I don't think I've made a single pun on twitter. In private to my fiance, yeah. To friends, yeah! But even in twitch streams, I don't think I have this weekend, and that's because I haven't been in the mindset to be my best. I'm only good enough to, barely, function as myself to my closest friends and my fiance. I need to be good enough to function as myself fulltime.

To be the one constantly sharing those stupid jokes to everyone. To be the one constantly showing them the better part of life. To be the one who is showing how the world is better, how people are better, how life is better, and how they make a difference and are beautiful and wonderful.

I need to be that.

I don't really know why I need to be that, but I need to be that, and not being that is a source of distress. 

I dunno, a public blog isn't a good way to give myself therapy, but it wouldn't surprise me if the reason I need to be that is because of a fear that if I'm not, I'm a burden who only makes the world worse by existing. That if I'm not actively succeeding in making the world better with my presence, I am making it worse.

But like. It shouldn't be impossible to achieve, right? Most people do it without realizing they are doing it. Most people can pull it off without even knowing they are pulling it off. For me it takes conscious effort to do. I have to actively reach out to create that presence of joy it seems, and when I am not actively doing that good, I am not doing anything good it feels like.

I know I have done good before. I literally have saved lives. My fiance would be dead if I hadn't reached out to them. I fought hard to save their life, and I did. It cost me a close friendship in the immediate aftermath and then my closest friend groups in December, but I did manage to save their life. But past good doesn't mean I can give up on doing current or future good, especially when the past good is mixed with past harm, too.

I handled saving the life of a friend (who later became my partner and later, my fiance) as well as I could for that person, but I handled the situation outside of them personally about as poorly as I possibly could have. So like...I still have so much to make amends for. And, yeah, I know. I can't fix what I broke; I can't heal those that I hurt. I can't atone by trying to do the impossible.

When I say I need to make amends, I mean I need to keep doing good and not be content with the good I have done. The good I have done is not enough on its own. I have to keep trying. I know it's going to be difficult. Setting out on the path of empathy set me on a path which is hard. It's nearly impossible to succeed at seeing the other side and treating them with love and empathy and compassion for all including those with flawed perspectives, because they are people who are people and thus have flaws despite doing their best to be good.

​It's still the path I decided to go on tho, and I think I can succeed. I just, have to be very mindful. Wish me luck.

...And I really don't like the implication.

So I realize people don't know much about tarot, and this is a specialized tarot deck.

But basically, for a three card spread, you can be dealing with "past, present future", "problem, obstacle, solution", or "thoughts, feelings/emotions, action".

I can tell which cards are calling to me when I pull them out.

I can also tell which of the three types it is when looking at them. Seleste might have only fully manifested within the last couple of weeks, but she's a very strong witch attuned to our higher self and she's very talented. So, she's very good at instinctively reading what the cards say and interpreting them.

This reading, for today, was the thoughts/feelings/actions type. Ten of Strength is, in this deck, a card about speaking your thoughts, basically, affirming I should be self-advocating for myself.

Ace of Wisdom is, in this deck, a card about loving myself and healing my emotions.

And Eight of Wisdom is, in this deck, a card about finding a path out of past pain and knowing something better awaits.

Altogether, the cards are basically affirming, "Hey. You deserve better than what you are being treated for", essentially.

Which is loosely what Danielle has been saying.

And I don't like it when Danielle is closer to being right, because I don't know how to move forward without her more toxic verbiage taking over.

Like...I can't exactly say, "Hey. I made a mistake, but you are making one now. My actions might deserve consequences, but they don't deserve the consequences you have assigned them, and you are going to regret having assigned those consequences later."

Like...I know how entitled that is. I know how privileged that would be. I know how much that sounds like I am not mindful of myself. I know how that sounds like I didn't grow. I know how that sounds like I didn't learn. I know how that sounds like I have no idea the scope of my actions. I know how that sounds like how I have no remorse, no regret, no understanding of the problems I caused and why they carried consequences.

So like...I can't just say it. There is probably a way to convey that sentiment in the conceptual form where I'm not saying something bad, and violating the above. But like...I don't know how to, the only way I know how to is the above, which is harmful and something that would only renew the hurt.

I know what I did was wrong. I know the full scope of how harmful it was. I know the full pain it caused. I know the problematic nature of what I did. I know that actions have consequences, and mine carry severe consequences for severe harm. I know I messed up, and intentions don't matter, the results do and they were harmful.

I know that having the wrong words is harmful, that even if the sentiment is correct that using the wrong words for it is still harmful, and that I used the wrong words.

I know that I have much to atone for.

I know the hurt I caused won't magically go away.

I know the harm I caused can never cause things to go back to the way they were before.

I know that I was in the wrong.

I know I deeply hurt people and demonstrated a complete lack of mindfulness.

I know I've no way to prove I've changed.
I know I've no way to demonstrate with my actions I am not who I was when I made the mistakes mid-2023.

I know all of that.

I know that I have a lot of work to do to consistently do better, and the dangers behind thinking I am doing better.
I know the harm which can come from dismissing what I did in the past.
I know the harm which comes from thinking I have conquered my demons.
I know my perspective doesn't matter.

I know what other people go through is the most important thing--that their perspective, their pain, their hurt, is the most important.

But, all of this doesn't mean good will come from me being cut out as I was. I don't like that Danielle has a point there, but the cards are literally calling me out and saying she does. I might not know what consequences I deserve, but I know the consequences I was given are not going to do anyone good.

They aren't going to do me any good--I had already learned I had made a mistake and was lamenting it for months, behind closed doors, and trying my hardest to find a way to atone. I was doing the work to better myself already, so what happened won't do me any good.

And I don't think they will do anyone else any good--they're hurting and in pain, and need space, but I genuinely feel they will gain regrets later on and realize what they did wasn't for the good, wasn't for the betterment of anyone, all it did was extend the duration of the harm and give them all a longer period of hurt than they would have otherwise had. They might have lifelong regrets born from having done what they did, and I have lifelong regrets from what I did, so doing what they have isn't the consequences I deserve.

Like...yeah. I know I deserve consequences. But if my consequences are going to cause harm and pain and extend the period of hurt others go through...then that's not the consequences I deserve. I don't know what consequences I do deserve. I already am living with my regrets, and I know that's probably not enough. Like, me living with the consequences is something that isn't tangible or objective or provable or anything that feels like it's enough. But, I feel like cutting me off wasn't the consequences deserved, either. There has to be a middle ground between the two, something where I face accountability but in a way which doesn't hurt people.

I dunno, just rambling right now.

I don't want to be entitled. I don't want to be narcissistic. I don't want to be privileged. I don't want an inflated sense of self-worth. I don't want to make myself be more important or relevant than I am. I don't want to downplay others. I don't want to invalidate others. I don't want to remove agency from anyone. I don't want to be any kind of god making decisions. I don't want to seem holier-than-thou. I don't want to seem more enlightened or snobby or anything like that. I don't want to pressure anyone. I don't want to make others be lesser in any way shape or form, especially lesser than myself.

I just want the best for everyone.

I just want them to heal.

I just want for me to cause no more harm, no more pain, and for the hurt I already caused to be healthily healed.

​And...well. Basically. I don't think that the current way where I do nothing at all is going to lead to that. I don't think it's the best for anyone, or will heal anyone. Yet...how could I possibly express that in a way which isn't doing the things I don't want to be? I can't see a way where I would. All I can see is how I would hurt them more by trying. 

It's something I need to figure out. I have more resources now than I had before. I know my fiance wants to help--and I have told them, so it's just a matter of expressing myself.

But I dunno.

I just, question everything now.

And I don't know what is good and what isn't now.

Like...yesterday's blog...was it a mistake that will cause further harm?
Is today's blog a mistake that will cause further harm?

I don't know.

I'm trying my best, and I know the cards are right, but how can I follow them without doing it Danielle's way? Danielle's way is wrong and hurtful, despite its well-intentioned nature. There has to be a way, but I don't have it yet.

I want to do better.

I want to help others, better than ever before. To uplift, to be that voice of joy and positivity. And I know I do good already, but I don't think I will ever be the best I can be at doing that while I have this in my sphere. Yet, I don't want to make another big mistake. I don't want to make things even worse. I don't want to violate any boundaries. A friend was right when they said there's nothing I can do to heal the pain of those who I have hurt; only they can.

So, I don't want to continue trying to do what I can't, and try and mend the damage I myself caused. That's an impossible task. Yet at the same time, I don't think doing nothing is right, either. I don't want to take actions trying the impossible and only causing more harm, but I feel it that doing nothing wouldn't be right, either.

So, if doing nothing is the wrong path, but trying to do the impossible and fix the harm myself is also wrong...what's the right thing to do? I don't know, but I feel like that's what I need to find. A way to do something which isn't trying to do what can't be done.

Let's hope I can figure it out sooner rather than later.

It seems that I have two moods in life:
Happy, but tired/exhausted/busy,
And depressed, but with plenty of time/energy to waste doing nothing.

Throughout the week, I was the former.

Today, I am the latter.

I did end up telling my fiance everything and being fully transparent about everything.

​I still need to make the blog post I've been wanting to for the last month--I literally did the deletion of the five blogs over a month ago, on 12/11/2023, and it's now 1/12/2024 and I've still yet to do the blog post about it.

I know exactly what to say, I just haven't put in the time to write it out and say it. It would be yet another apology, because I need a lot of those it seems, but also doing my best to affirm people.

I don't really know what I want to talk about today though.

I've come out of my "safe mode" of Michelle fronting, and things are largely good.

My fiance and I have an actual mattress now, on an inclined base, and have two weighted blankets to help us sleep. The sleep is great, and paired with my CPAP machine, I feel I am getting a wonderful night's sleep, the best I've ever gotten. I managed to take my measurements, loosely, with measuring tape which I randomly found at work.

But, I do have a lot on my mind. I'm a bit worried about Danielle, the toxic Persecutor in my mind. She's basically the exact opposite of everything I want to be, and I'm terrified she's going to come out and cause more harm. I want to become basically empathy personified, and she is the exact opposite of that.

Danielle is selfish, self-centered, brutal, callous, blunt, and entirely uncaring to others. Her perspective is close to that of what got me in trouble in the first place. She has bitterness and resentment aplenty, as well as cruelty and an appreciation for the consequences to others. She is entitled and believes in the bad happening not being bad, has a kinda "so what?" attitude towards what we have done, and is basically the voice of all the vile things we want to leave behind.

It should be noted. Danielle is not evil. She's not a sociopath. She's no psychopath. She's not even a monster, or even really monstrous. A bit narcissistic, a bit arrogant, a big jerk, but far from evil. She's a vicious self-defense mechanism, and she often makes scarily good points. She has us as her best interest, and in her own way, wants to do the right thing for us...but her idea of the right thing is in opposition to the entire rest of the system, and her idea of the right thing is too harmful to allow.

She's trying to do good for us by saying. "We have rights.", basically. We are not evil, and don't deserve to be treated that way. We are not monsters, so don't deserve to be treated like one. We are 'not the problem', so don't deserve to be treated as problematic. We have a lot good to us, and to not see it is to be foolish. Basically, she is an advocate for our self-worth, and that's not inherently a bad thing!

We have a very very very very low level of self-worth, so someone has got to try to tackle the task of boosting ours.

...But it can't be her.

Danielle's method of doing so is self-destructive and is part of how we got into this mess in the first place. Her idea of showing our worth involved displaying our importance in a very harmful way that only caused pain and suffering which caught up to us later.

And yeah, that was all of us. Not just her. We were all involved. She also advocates for herself personally and says not to pin all of our wrongdoings on her. Which is fair and valid. But like...we know her way and what it does. It causes harm. It hurts people. So to have her hovering around in our consciousness is alarming.

We don't want to hurt people, and what she would say, would. Now, could the hurt from her comments potentially lead to greater good? Yeah! Maybe self-advocacy at the cost of potential harm would lead to a greater good where the people we hurt realize Danielle's right and what she said has merit; cutting us off does nobody any favors and does no good to anyone and only prevents healing, or something to that effect.

But, at least in our opinion, that's too large a risk. It's too large a risk it's the other way around--that the harm caused from self-advocacy is harmful, showing a lack of empathy, showing a lack of understanding, showing a lack of having accepted and learned, demonstrating I am everything they didn't want to believe I could be, that the harmful content they saw from me is my truer self.

So, we aren't really entertaining her, and she's taunting us about it.

Basically she keeps saying things along the lines of,
"Everyone will regret their actions if you don't speak up about your thoughts."

Because, yeah.

I have had a lot of thoughts.

As selfish and self-centered and arrogant and narcissistic as it sounds. I've seen a lot of messages from the universe directed to those I've hurt which have basically said, "You're demonizing someone you shouldn't have. Learn to love them, and you will have a much healthier life." But, I don't want to assume. I don't want to intervene. It doesn't seem like it's my choice, my decision, to make. That I should have no part in their discovery, their journey, and that they need to realize it on their own.

And Danielle disagrees.

I've felt the people who cut me out of their lives are going to have regrets down the line for having done so--and Danielle is basically saying "that mistake is theirs to make, sucks to be them but you did what you could". Which, well, I could do more by trying Danielle's way, but I don't want to. Trying it my way, the way of understanding, of empathy, of healing, I am doing as much as I can to atone. I am trying my hardest to embody joy and positivity to uplift others and bring ripples of optimism into the world.

I'm trying to do the right thing always, including reducing harm and increasing healing. I removed the harmful blogs. I have changed my mindset. I have changed what I do with my actions. I've done as much as I can think of to do with my actions to embody being what I want to be, that force of good in the world.

​Danielle is basically a voice telling me I should be blunt about this and be upfront about it. Say, "Hey. You will regret missing out on having me around when I have already changed. I have already undergone the growth you would want me to have. You will eventually see I've been this wonderful for this long and regret having cut me out and not having talked to me, not having approached me, and have remorse for having not seen the good in front of your eyes. I messed up, but you are in the process of messing up, and afterwards, you will face the same regrets I have, regretting what you did as I regretted what I did."

But...I can't accept that as an acceptable take, or viewpoint. Because that viewpoint would ignore their pain and ignore their suffering and the hurt they feel. That outlook would ignore their viewpoint, and discard their concerns, their worries, their caution. That viewpoint would discard their perspective. It would renew concerns about my character. It would affirm all viewpoints about my continued disregard of their lives, it would renew their fears I am a terrible person by showing them how selfish and entitled I am.

And they deserve their own agency, and deserve their time to heal, and deserve their time to decide things on their own. If they end up regretting what they did--well, then, I can console them by saying I'm an ~expert~ at regretting my past decisions. So, I can help them then and only then live with their decisions. Everyone is trying to do the right thing, and they are included in that. They have no ill will behind their actions. They did what they thought was right.

They acted the best they could, off of what information they have available, and I have no right to deem their actions wrong. I have no right to say they made a mistake. I have no right to judge them. I have no right to any negative perception of them because they are all wonderful people who are trying their best to do the right thing. They genuinely believed cutting me out was the right thing, and only time can judge if that was the right thing to do.

It's their life to live, not mine, so I have no say whatsoever. All I can really do is live my life the best I can. I know I messed up in the past. I know I made mistakes. I know those actions carry consequences to them, and people trying to do the right thing judged my actions had consequences and decided what those consequences were. That I am a better person now doesn't mean I should get a free pass for what I did before, and everyone gets a say in what's important to them.

If who I am now isn't enough to warrant me remaining in their lives given the extent of my past mistakes, then it isn't enough and that's valid and I need to respect that boundary.

I don't know what's the right thing to do, but I always have to try to do the right thing. And I want to be the one who can take the path of least harm and greatest good. I know I won't do perfectly, but I also have to trust myself in listening to what would be a mistake and what isn't a mistake.

Ignoring "this doesn't seem right..." is what got me in trouble in the first place. The whole drama kickstarting things involved a negative feedback loop/negative feedback spiral (it probably has an official term but I'm uneducated so I invented my own for this concept), where I ignored the voice saying it didn't seem right, and the result was longlasting widespread harm I could've stopped if I had listened to the voice back then.

I don't know how to do the right thing, often I'm unsure of what is a mistake and what's not, but I do know many wrong things to do. Listening to Danielle feels like it's the wrong thing to do, even if she makes valid points. No matter the validity of what she says, anything which violates the agency and independence and understanding and perspective of others, is only going to cause further harm with no good to come from it.

​So, I gotta respect boundaries, I have to keep going and trying to pursue the right thing.

I think that I do need to leave behind at least some of my mentality from the last month, but that my mentality for the last month has been mostly in the right direction. I've been blogging rather continuously (mostly) since December 7th. In that time, my thoughts have been well-documented. If someone randomly stumbles into this blog but hasn't read those blogs, all I can really do is ask them:
Please read those.
Please don't judge me by any one individual blog, or strategically selected blogs.
Read a month's worth of blogs, in their whole, and see if something in any individual blog is an indicator of the whole.

I know, that's effort, and work. Especially given I'm verbose. When I designed this blog, I designed it to be about anything. Whatever I had on mind. And I also designed it knowing I am a writer. I exaggerate or downplay things. I also imperfectly express ideas. I can have a perfectly fine concept that works in one sentence and cause harm by having multiple paragraphs about it. (For instance, saying I have friends who are ride-or-die? Harmless! Explaining this concept in multiple paragraphs in a way devaluing non-ride-or-dies? Harmful!)

I can express things imperfectly, I can express things in ways that don't make sense without context, I can express things in exaggerated form, I can express thoughts I know aren't true from imposter syndrome, I can express alarm at intrusive thoughts, I can express frustration at dealing with internalized bigotry, etc. My blogs are often flawed, because I'm flawed.

But the whole is important and tells a different story than any individual blog would. In the last month, my perspective has been laid out bare fully exposed on this blog, albeit with redactions of my darkest most-suicidal impulses.

For full disclosure, I was in fact suicidal last month. I felt I could only cause harm. I felt everything I did only made things worse. That I was a terrible human only good for hurting people and increasing their pain. I felt nothing would ever make things better, and I just wanted out. I was in pain. I was hurting, but I felt I had no right to be in pain.

I was the one who hurt others, and their pain was the only thing important. I was the one who caused harm, so my feelings were irrelevant and pretending I mattered would be toxic and only cause further harm. I was the one who was in the wrong, who had done the hurtful things, so I had no place to be anything but remorseful and regretful. Actions have consequences, my actions carried consequences, and I had to accept those consequences.

The pain of others was the most important thing. The hurt I caused was the only thing important. Respecting others was a top priority. Their pain was the most important part. Their hurt was valid. Their perspective was valid. As far as they knew, I was a terrible person who confessed to being involved in something terrible and was remorseless and demonstrated no awareness or mindfulness of how horrific the ordeal was. Even if the truth was I was mortified by what I did, they had no way of knowing how horrified I am by my actions and thus they acted in the way appropriate.

They did the right thing, they are good people doing good things and they are in the right and they are protecting people from me. And that's valid. Everything they did was just, and their feelings are valid and real and important. Their decisions are to be respected, and they are right to have expressed what they have and to act as they did.

All of that and so much more.

My remorse is there. My regret is there. My acknowledgement I did wrong. What I did will haunt me for life. I will carry my wrongdoing with me for the rest of my existence, and it will eternally be there, a reminder of the harm I caused. And I need to atone for it. I need to do the right thing. I need to always be better than I was before.

Almost all of that, in the last month, still stands.

But, as much as Danielle scares me, I don't think demonizing me leads to any good. Those who would are valid for having done so. They're not wrong to do so. Their perspective matters, and is important, and if their perspective is I'm an irredeemable monster, it should be accepted and respected. But, while their viewpoint should be acknowledged and respected, it's okay to disagree with their viewpoint while still accepting its validity.

It's okay to acknowledge them and what they think, while disagreeing. My disagreement doesn't mean I will disrespect them. I can still see their perspective, know where they are coming from, acknowledge their validity, respect them and their actions from their perspective. I have to believe I am a demon/monster/whathaveyou to them...but I don't have to believe I am a monster myself.

I know, it's dangerous to believe I'm less flawed than I am. That's what got me into this mess in the first place. A belief I was in the right, when I was in the wrong, is what caused the harm in the first place. I know, it's a bad idea to have the arrogance to believe I am infallible. I know, it's best to take caution to avoid past mistakes, and that caution means acknowledging I have done wrong and the wrong I did was wrong enough to warrant consequences.

But, being overly critical of myself interferes with my ability to make a difference in the world and to atone and to redeem myself. 

I need to believe there's more good in me than bad, and the good is the more important of the two, to generate the light I am looking to. I know there's those who would think I don't deserve that, or that I'm not. And they're valid. But while that viewpoint is good for them and productive for them, it's not productive for me.

There's a lot I can never change.

I can never change the past.

I can never change others.

But, I can change myself, as well as the future.

I will do more good in the world by being aware of my failings but not letting those failures define who I am.

And I hope that's acceptable to those who read this.

I'm not sure I can do good. But I'll certainly be trying. I hope that one day, that will be good enough. 

...but, I can't exist without trying to express this rn, and it's a lot of unrelated yet related things.

My fiance basically threatened to read my blog if I'm not more open, but I'm not quite ready to share with them--not yet. I'm planning to tell them by this time next week, but you know what happens with my plans. If my plans ever worked out ever, then maybe my life wouldn't be spiraling as badly as it is now.

I want to seek an oracle reading from a tarot streamer to see if I'm on the right path because I desperately need to touch base with my guides and need help badly. I keep messing up. Over and over and over again. It doesn't matter how accidental it may be--the results matter; my intention doesn't. And the results of my messing up are renewed harm.

I want to tell my fiance what is going on, because I've basically lost all hope for myself. I literally saved their life--but right now, I'm the one whose life needs to be saved. 

I'm not okay right now. And it's harder every day to live, especially knowing all the pain I've caused, and the pain I have right now.

I'm feeling like I'm losing everything that matters to me.

My life feels like it's slowly slipping away from me.

And it feels like it's not going to get better.

I feel like everything is only getting worse and worse.

The pain, the sense of loss, the heartbreak, only growing rather than getting smaller.

I'm hanging on by a thread. My system's in "safe mode", and Michelle is doing a lot of the heavy-lifting in keeping us barely afloat. The good news is we're discovering a lot about our system, but that knowledge feels worthless to us now.

Our fiance is the only thing keeping us alive right now, because we genuinely have no future without them, and even then, a fear of ours is we can't see our future even with them. Not because of any failing on their end. Because of us, me, "Bree", not lasting that long. That's scary.

We feel like we're losing things slowly.
Job performance.
Money.
Communities.
Twitch streams we feel we belong in.
Sites we've been on for years.

Everything is slipping away.

And nothing is making it better.

Only worse.

There's a lot I can't say publicly on my blog, or at least, shouldn't. And even if I could, often, the words fail me. And there's not really a good person to talk to. And even if there were, I'm not sure I'm up to it. I don't know how to explain everything that has gone wrong.

I still owe a blog explaining the deleted blogs--I was going to write it yesterday, but then I...couldn't.

I still owe a blog to bring in the new year properly, which I've owed since New Years Eve...and I haven't. I should be affirming others, uplifting them, giving them hope and positivity, but I am apparently good for nothing but inspiring the opposite.

To say at least one quiet part out loud though...I have had suicidal thoughts. And they're growing worse and more frequent. I haven't had them in fifteen years. Now, every time I feel lonely and isolated and alone, my own thoughts trap me in my failures and all the pain they have caused and I just think, "I want it all to end."

I want the pain to just...stop.

I don't want people to be hurt by me anymore, and if I were gone, then...so would the pain of my having hurt them.

Of course, I am a coward. I'm afraid of death. I don't want to die. So...my system invented me, Michelle, as a "safe mode". We're going in and out of me being used. I'm not Bree, but we're swapping fastly enough so Bree has written most of this. We developed Michelle so that she would protect us from going through with that. She allows us to suffer a temporary death and not a permanent one.

Yet even Michelle isn't holding up perfectly. Her shell has cracked, and the pain she is suppressing has leaked through at times. She's feeling the waves of depression, sadness, loss, and loneliness. And also, fear. Fear of vanishing, fear of disappearing...but also the fear of living.

​It's hard to really explain what's going on. But, it's getting harder and harder to envision a future where I am alive as me. More and more, it feels like I am going to just...not exist, because how can I?

I'm wasting my life.
I've wasted every gift I've ever been given.
I'm becoming more distanced from everything in my life.

I'm more and more of a failure, whose ripple effect is less and less good and more and more bad.

I don't see a point in living a life where I'm not helping others and being that one uplifting people.

And I also don't see the point in living my life without the people I love being in it.

So...I'm just...trying to keep afloat, so any hope of them remaining lives on.

I'll be honest right now. I've lost all hope. I've lost all hope of ever healing wounds. I've lost all hope of mending friendships. I've lost all hope of things getting better. I've lost all hope of people seeing the me that I want them to see. I've lost all hope of people seeing me and thinking I am worth fighting to keep in their lives. I've lost all hope of existing. I've lost all hope of people seeing what I've written and seeing the work I've done. I've lost all hope of everything and anything. I've lost all hope of redemption. I've lost all hope of living.

And I just...yeah it's deserved. I don't deserve any of the things I hope for. I deserve no happiness. I deserve no friends. I deserve no life.

I don't want to live a life where I'm only hurting people. I don't want to live a life where the people I value most in the world are those deepest hurt by my actions, both past and present. I don't want to have my life, my happiness, my existence, come at the detriment of others, and I don't want to constantly be delivering botched "I'm sorry"s.

I don't know how to apologize properly, but even if I did, a life where I constantly need to be giving those apologies isn't one I want to live.

I don't want people to suffer because of me.

Yet they do.

And yet, despite their suffering, they're moving forward with their lives. They're continuing to interact with their friends, make jokes, support each other, plan their lives, hang out, have fun, and all the while, I am seeing them, knowing I am slowly losing more and more and more of that, and feeling more and more and more empty.

There's a growing void in my heart.

It hurts so much.

And I don't know what to do with it.

I'm sorry to everyone.

I know how much of a burden I am.

You deserve better than this, yet this is all I have to offer.

I had more thoughts, but I've lost them.

I just. Am existing, barely.

I don't really have a positive ending to this blog. Not that people read my blog, except when they're linked to the very worst of it, but I still usually try to act as if I have readers. But, I can't really think of one today, so I am sorry. It's just how I am right now. This is me. This is my existence. It's deserved, as pathetic as it is, but it's me.

Hi! I just wanted u all to know ur amazing and incredible and wonderful and, yes, beautiful. u are loved and appreciated and adored, more than u know. ur talented and skilled and have more going for u than u know. ur life is worth living, and u make a difference. u are better than u think u are. ur great.

I know in this world, it's easy to focus on all the bad. The negative takes the forefront. It's bad to ignore the bad, but it's also bad to focus only on the bad and lose sight of the good. Most people are great. They are trying their best, just like u are. And, yes, ur trying ur best. even when it feels like u could do more. ur doing the best u can in that moment, and it is enough.

i just wanted people to know, there's a lot of good in this world. More good than bad. Most people are good, so most of the world is good. I know it doesn't seem that way, but the future is a brighter place to live, and u help us all get to there just by being ur wonderful self. It's hard to let go of the negative, and we all go at our own pace. The stronger the pain, the greater the hurt, the easier it is to lash out and stay hurt.

But it's possible to heal. It's possible to get better. It doesn't need to be an instant fix. U need not be a perfect person. Ur good enough as-is. Ur enough as u are. Healing isn't necessarily being better than u are now. Healing can also just be accepting ur great as u are now. u should always be urself, and those who are ur true friends/family will accept u, imperfections and all.

u are doing ur best to do the right thing, every day. ur judgement isn't perfect, but nobody is. u can and will make mistakes, but u did the best u could at the time. And ur not alone. Everyone around u is making their best efforts to do the right thing every day. Their judgement call may differ from yours, but they are still trying their best, just like u are. They make mistakes, too. They did the best they could at the time, too. So, just know, even if the decisions differ, ur not obligated to feel negative emotions towards differing decisions/paths...but if u do feel them, then that's okay. That's natural.

It's okay if u end up hurting people, even if it haunts you for life. It's okay if u mess up. It's okay if you screw up royally. u could never have screwed up as royally as we did, so if ur better than us, ur doing amazingly! And even if u feel ur as bad or worse than us, it isn't the end of the world. There are people who will accept u even after u mess up. Who believe in second chances, who will accept you are still a good person, despite having screwed up.

Ur failures don't make u a bad person. Everyone fails. Everyone can cause hurt to others. What we do is learn from the mistake, try to atone from it, move forward as a better person, and try to promote healing. So it's okay.

I promise ur great, no matter what u do.

And I am sorry if you are hurting or in pain. Time will heal a lot, and a shift in perspective can help too.

Ur loved and appreciated, and just know: I am always here for you, no matter what. For as long as I live.

It doesn't matter if I am a stranger to u or if u know me or if u hurt me or if I hurt you--I will always be available, for you, to help in any way I can. Because it's the least you deserve. You deserve support and love. <3

Three months of a hiatus has been longer than I've ever been gone before--I legit thought I might never blog again, just due to the lack of momentum. But, I am here now, to say what's new.

That's right, I'm engaged!!! My partner popped the question December 3rd, exactly one month after they moved from Michigan to start living with me.

Since November 5th or so, we've been living on our own. Our plan was to use my parents' basement, but it had unhealthy levels of mold, forcing us to pivot to staying in a hotel for a month. We wanted to try and buy a place, but that process took too much time, so we pivoted to renting, and have landed an apartment as of two days ago!

We're still unpacking things, as well as buying things, as well as getting the quirks worked out, as well as getting things set up. I'm blogging from my phone's hotspot, but using my laptop to type this blog out.

The other major update is mostly to my plurality and our outlook on life from it.

Our main fronter nowadays is kat. For those who have had the pleasure of meeting kat, kat is an incredibly childlike beacon of innocence, youthful energy, and joy. She's not naive. She knows the world is complicated, but she has a neat way of simplifying it in ways which are reassuring and helpful. She is a beacon of positivity, always saying how it's fine, how we'll survive, make things work, etc. She is still kat, literally a cat. And sees things much as a cat does. Cuddlish, affectionate, loving, adoring, but also simple.

​She's also largely assisted by another main fronter, Vee, who is spending most of her time around us, imparting her ways of empathy and pacifism upon us. Which has led to both a lot of changes in us, as well as a lot of reflecting on the past and filled with regret about who we were in the past--even a few months ago.

I am an entirely different person than I was back then. I've continued to change, to learn.

Between kat and Vee, and reflecting on my past mistakes, I slowly but gradually have been taken over by a philosophy of taking the path of true empathy and love. Of taking the path of understanding and of least harm. To try and do the most good with the least amount of damage done.

It started with finally developing a way to overcome a monstrous trait of mine I've had since 13. "You are not playing a game. You are dealing with real life."

It sounds stupidly simple, but it helped remind me of how actions have consequences--especially mine. By shifting my mindset from "I need to win this argument no matter what" to "there is a real life person on the other side, and they are really affected by your actions", I was able to start setting myself on a better path.

That evolved into a gradual understanding. Most people are good. Most humans are good. All humans are flawed and imperfect, me more than any other. But almost all humans are good, trying to do the right thing, and doing their best.

And that was what I needed to develop my standard of empathy and understanding above all else.

With the baseline assumption that everyone I am dealing with is a good person, came the knowledge that I had screwed up worse than I knew.

Four months ago, I said some terrible things. Hurtful things. I had some horribly wrong takes. I was causing pain to others, in a way deeper than I had done before, because the people hurt were friends I was alienating with my lack of humanity and empathy.

I was wrong.
I condemn the actions of myself in the past.
I condone the actions others took--including against me, both then and more recently.

They were justified.

I was in the wrong.

I messed up, badly.

I hurt people, badly.

I deserve any and all punishment I am going to receive and have already received.

And I am truly sorry.

Being sorry doesn't undo the damage. Actions have consequences, and the consequences of my actions will haunt me for life.

I truly wish I could undo what I did--but I can't. And because I can't undo what I did, I have to live forever with the knowledge I did terrible things.

I can promise I will not defend myself. I can promise I will accept accountability. I will accept the damage I caused. I will accept all the actions taken against me as valid, and justified, and fair.

I've spent every day writing pages upon pages reflecting on what I have done--and every day, filled with more regret than the last. (When I say pages upon pages, I mean legit over 500 pages written.)

I don't have the words to say, but I do have the remorse.

All I can really do is say I well and truly am sorry.

I've been meaning to say that for a long time. Those who have seen my twitter and discord interactions have seen me over the course of months undergo this change. Where I say I messed up in the past. Where I say I am a monster, who is trying not to be one. Where I say I know I've hurt people, am tired of hurting people, and just want to help.

I want to uplift people. In the last few months, I've gotten better at doing so. I've gotten better at encouraging people. I've gotten better at getting people out of negative mindsets. I've gotten better at telling stupid jokes. I've become a much, much better human than I was a few months ago--I well and truly believe that I am an entirely different person. Given plurality, not far off the mark, either.

The facet who was most dominant when I did the hurt, isn't around anymore. So I am quite literally not who I was back then.

...Still...

...I am responsible for the actions of my past self. That was a version of me, even if she horrifies the current me. I am mortified at what I did. I am horrified at what I said. I've gained a new perspective, and part of that is a renewed faith in communities being found family. I hate what I have done. But I did it then, so I can't just magically wave a wand away and pretend I didn't. God, I wish I could. But all I can really do is to try my best to atone, as I have.

I will admit to every wrongdoing people bring to me. I will confess to every crime to any who want to hear it. I will do whatever I can to promote healing. I don't want anyone to be hurt.

Months ago, when I first wrote the hurtful blog posts, I expected there to be severe consequences. Back then, there were precious few. Yet I have spent every day preparing for the inevitable. Dreading it. Regretting what I did. Remorseful, and hoping that it would be okay. Still, the past mistakes I made will never go away.

I believe in recording past mistakes, even if they are harmful, to let people know I'm not erasing the past and also that I have changed for the better since having made it--but ngl, given the scope of the hurt my past mistake made, I have genuinely considered doing exactly that, to delete it, as to reduce future harm.

We've spent a ton of time on the 500+ pages of writing facing internal conflicts within our system. One of the conflicts is that issue. Do we delete the harmful things? Or leave them for all to see, despite the harm? We've thusfar chosen the latter, especially since it's too late now.

But, I digress.

My point is, my hurt is forever. The pain I inflicted is real, and true, and can never be undone.

I regret it all.

I am sorry.

I was in the wrong. I badly hurt people.

Personally, I don't think I am worthy of forgiveness. But God, do I wish I were. The amount of pain I caused is unforgivable. I am irredeemable. Yet, despite being unworthy, I still want to do whatever I can to atone.

Everyone deserves better than the me of a few months ago. Especially those that I hurt the most. Whatever actions people take regarding me in the future, I will accept. It's their decisions, from their perspective, off of their feelings, and doing what they think is best. I may end up losing a lot I had before, but the fault is entirely my own. So everyone, once again.

I'm sorry for everything.

You all deserve better than what I have done to you.

This blog has been deleted as of 12/11/2023.

Normally, I would never delete anything, least of all a whole blog entry. But given the level of harm from THIS blog in particular, I felt I had to.

For more on why I took this extreme measure, check these blog posts:
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/the-pain-is-getting-to-me-tonight
http://alltoohuman.weebly.com/blog/i-thought-about-it-overnight

I don't really know what to blog about, to be honest.
I've got things that I want to talk about. But, I don't know where to really begin, what to cover exactly, to be honest.
​I guess I should mention that things are going...okay, I suppose?

I've got lots of medical stuff coming up.
I've got a dentist appointment coming up.
I'm going back to counseling for mental health.
​I am working on better healthcare, for my hair and my teeth in particular.

I went to a doctor appointment to try and solve my issues regarding constant dizziness, lightheadedness, head spinning, vision blurring, loss of balance, etc. They didn't, and I have a cardiologist appointment.

I've got a dentist appointment coming up.

So like. I've got lots of things I'm trying to do for my body.

And in plurality things we continue to discover new facets. We're up to eleven.

Morgan the Aussie.
Bella the southerner.
Amanda, a deeper-voiced woman.
Joy, a source of energy and optimism.
Hope, a reassuring voice.
Ashe, a collective of littles.
Kat, part of the Ashe system, a cat.
​Ash, a guardian of Ashe, a nonbinary phoenix.
Miranda, who plays mafia.
Hera, who survives.
Hermione, who does puns.
And Danielle, the absorbed David.

​That, aside from confirmed soulbounds of Vee, Ruby, and Phyrra.

I'm wasting some time on TFT/League, but less so. Still got quests to complete, which means I gotta keep at it. But mostly doing other things.

I've tentatively reintroduced myself to ComicFury, integrating it into my daily routine.

I've been staying atop of discord and torn and a lull in mafia means I've been fine there, too.

​No shower today unless an opening comes up later tonight where there's a lull of nothingness, but been doing better overall.

Kongregate is back with new kongpanions, I missed out on the gold this week unfortunately but I'll be back next week to start playing the games again.

​I guess being active in blogging is good.

And, I'm working on writing things for farn, again. I'm only to January 22nd, but that's better than the 19th which is where I was before. The notes I'm gathering have a high level of redundancies, and are messy, and not very clean, buuuuuut...still, progress is progress.

I'm taking a break from there for less exhaustion, but...I am probably going back in. Because I feel like I can get caught up in transferring discord notes to my documents, and then from there start transferring my existing notes to their appropriate places, expanding things out as they should be.

That's the plan at least.

​​I have no clue what I'm doing to be honest.

This blog has been written over five hours, but...it's a start I suppose.

Gotta send an email to my father real quick about some tech stuff.

I've not worked on my story today, but I finally finally finally​ have reintroduced myself to ComicFury! Am slowly dipping my toes back in, cautiously.

Eventually I might disclose my plurality. CF was where I first became aware of me being trans, from them starting threads about it. I'm wondering if they had a plurality breakthrough as well during my absence, but if not...hoo boy would that mean my introduction would be awkward. So I'm being cautious about it.

Butyeah. Gotta keep working on story stuff and rl stuff.

I need to do my full workout tomorrow, maybe nap. If I leave work and get stuck in hard traffic because I left at like 4 pm: so be it. I've got nothing important tomorrow.

I also need to write a (fairly negative) medical review.

Gotta keep moving forward. Slow steps!