I kinda want to go to bed a bit early for my endocrinology appointment tomorrow, so this blog is just a big of a blog for the sake of a blog.
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It's a pipe dream because first it would require me to actually make Phyrra and Cyrus, but I actually managed to make a proper sequel to Phyrra and Cyrus!
Now, there was already a spinoff, Smoke Ling, son of a Gunther, covering the son of Gunther King Slayer, the second villain in Phyrra and Cyrus, appearing in the second season, the enemy of Bard. It covered things set about 20 years after the end of the main story of Phyrra and Cyrus (technically 80 years before the epilogue since the epilogue is 100 years from the ending of the main story). This was a proper sequel, set hundreds of years into the future. I have the worldbuilding set up. I have the main character(s). This story would, instead of being an allegory for being trans, would be an allegory for plurality. Just need to iron out the finer detail points. Speaking of plurality though, I owe a ramble on that, too. I started the cleanup of my room, and there was visible, notable, progress done. But it being my room, this could take a long long time to actually complete given just how. much. stuff. Is in my room.
I did some, but not all, of the mafia stuff that I need to do. I might brush my teeth, but probably not going to do the full process. (Brush, special toothpaste, floss; when I say 'might brush', I mean the first without the other two.) I maybe progressed in the league quest, but will need to check that on Thursday. I think I sent two tweets today, too. But: I've yet to try out my new purse. I didn't do all the mafia stuff. I'm probably not going to do the full hygienic process. I haven't done the grind necessary for the league quest. I haven't made tiktoks or uploaded to my youtube. I haven't done the networking of my socials. And I'm running out of time to watch some vods that I am in desperate need of watching--one vod in particular will not have a reupload done so I cannot afford to miss it and yet I've not watched so much as a single minute of it. So. I've got a lot I need to get on top of. Also I've not done a walk for a mile this week yet. (I should really be doing it daily but I'll settle for weekly for now. I'm not even at weekly right now.) That said, there is some unambiguous good to be had: It's very very subtle, but I have definite breast growth! It's only really visible on my left breast (on the right you can kinda sorta maybe see it but not as obviously), and only visible when my arms are at a certain angle, but it's there and that's promising! I was expecting it to take at least a month if not two for me to have visible results, and yet, here I am, less than two weeks in, and I've got something! Not much, but something! Now granted, today wasn't terrible. I bought a new purse that might potentially serve as a replacement for my current one. (I like my current one, but it's not quite long enough. The new purse is a little more...shallow? Less depth? Has less height? Basically the new purse trades tallness for length, trades y axis for x axis.)
I also bought a lot of chokers, which enough of can get me closer to looking the way I want to. So the day's not a total wash. But I did not stream today. I didn't shower Friday, yesterday, or today. I didn't send tweets today including not my disgust at pro-life/anti-abortion protesters removing any lingering doubts I had about my stance there. I'm not even writing a good blog. I might not even brush my teeth. And I didn't clean my room, which is a task I can't procrastinate on due to the significant chance of a dead rat/mouse/rodent within. So it's not a victory. Not a total loss, but also not a victory. It's actually setting me up fairly well for content creation. I've began my youtube channel, so now I feel like I have all the socials I need to update things. I need intertwining across them all.
Youtube to all; My blog to all; Twitch to all; My fanhouse to all; My tiktok to all; My twitter to all. Maybe facebook. I've done a fair amount of the work but as of right now for instance only three of the five/six are on my blog for instance and the gaps are similar everywhere. Twitter needs an update, twitch needs a small tweak, youtube might need a tweak, fanhouse needs an update, and so on and so forth. I also need to, in every place that allows it, update my discord info to have them all. Progress is progress tho and I'm making a ton. I feel like I am on the verge of a breakthrough in content creation. Now, admittedly. I didn't do what I originally set out to do during my free time today. I wanted to make emotes for my eventual channel. And on that note--I've got a lot of art on a lot of sites that needs to be updated with better art. Which requires me to actually make the better art. What I have everywhere. From my stream itself to my youtube to my blog to my twitch to my fanhouse to my twitter, all of it is temporary. I need to create, and then upload, better art everywhere, and get better at being more consistent in my branding. Today basically in a few hours makes up for basically a full week of having slacked off. Now, granted. It's not all good. I spotted either a very large mouse or a fairly small rat in my room. (Could be some other rodent obviously that's similar, but obviously didn't get a good look at it.) It's possible we have an infestation, but I can't sleep in my room, meaning that I need to clean my room, and I didn't do that. The rat infestation might be just one which also moved to my parents' room, or it could be more. It's not a good situation regardless tho, especially given that we have cats and while cats are quite good at killing rodents, we don't want them to because our cats are inside cats and we don't want them to get sick from killing disease-ridden rodents. So it's a problem we need to fix sooner rather than later. But in other news, I managed to write a song. It was inspired by Yungblud's Fleabag. (parentheses denote original lyrics which I reworded outside of the parentheses, except for the bridge) I called it "Passing the Clock". While I did get a tune for it, I lack the means currently to record it (the above was all me working towards getting that gap closed more), so for now, all you have is the lyrics. [verse 1] Every attempt to live my life Just an act, balance on a knife. It's a struggle for me, but I must try The world's crushing (pressure's strong), (so) I barely get by. From a distance, I'm smiling But close to the mirror, my heart sinks (The) Imperfection's glares not helping Cracks in my disguise, my armor's chink. [prechorus] I'm not hook, I'm not bait; It's not easy, controlling fate. How you look, what you say Every move, you ever make One mistake, is all it takes For them to see, The you you hate. [chorus] Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? One wrong sight And I'm not fine. I must block The urge to cry. [verse 2] Every day brings new danger to me The way I walk, the way I talk, all exposing I'm not who they thought, a loss of peace Or so they say, in their hate, all encompassing Avoiding attention, it's not for clout; I want to be seen, that's no doubt But only as me, standing so proud. A sense of elation, is that allowed? [prechorus] I'm not hook, I'm not bait; It's not easy, controlling fate. How you look, what you say Every move, you ever make One mistake, is all it takes For them to see, The you you hate. [chorus] Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? One wrong sight And I'm not fine. I must block The urge to cry. [bridge, sung by a backup singer] (The way you do your hair,) (The way you sit in a chair,) (The clothes that you wear,) (Your life's not fair.) (The way you do your hair,) (The way you sit in a chair,) (The clothes that you wear,) (Your life's not fair.) (the bridge then repeats, simultaneous to the prechorus) [prechorus] I'm not hook, (The way you do your hair,) I'm not bait; It's not easy, (The way you sit in a chair,) controlling fate. How you look, (The clothes that you wear,) what you say Every move, you ever make (Your life's not fair.) One mistake, is all it takes For them to see, The you you hate. [chorus] Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? One wrong sight And I'm not fine. I must block The urge to cry. Passing the time Is always a fight. I fear the clock; I wonder why? (song abruptly ends) It is, quite obviously, a song about a transgender individual. I kept it reasonably generic, but, yes, it is a bit about me. I've been working a fair amount to try and be more feminine in every aspect of my life. I can't do voice that well yet but I will do what I can there. I'm working on my walk, I'm working on how I sit, I just want to try and be seen as more feminine, and I might be progressing there? But it's a constant struggle. Still, though. I feel like I'm making progress there. So good day overall. Well, 'morning', as in, 1 pm instead of 1 am; written post-bed-and-pre-work rather than post-work-and-pre-bed.
I have some form of anxiety disorder. This is a fairly new discovery for me, but it badly impacts me. "What if the snow will knock out power while you're writing this blog." "What if wearing your false-breasts to bed suppresses the growth of your natural ones?" "What if having food/drink reduces the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?" "What if brushing your teeth will reduce the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?" "What if the sublingual intake is being done wrong?" You get the idea. These can be somewhat crippling as the more plausible they are, the more respect I have to pay towards the possibility, in spite of how it's probably wrong. However, the most terrifying of possibilities, and what made me start writing this blog (in spite of how it'll make me late to leave), was what I thought when taking my pre-leave-for-work nap. Some background: I am plural. I am a minor form of plural, admittedly. It's called a median system. Now, back in the day I discovered that I was one, that link didn't exist. I developed my own terminology, which you can even find on this blog! What the wiki link calls 'facets', I call "mes". Ranger is a me, mastina is a me. There are many mes, with those two (with the work-oriented one as a third) being the most dominant. Or as the wiki would say, Ranger is a facet of Bree, mastina is a facet of Bree, there's many facets but they're all a part of me, a part of Bree. Each with their own voice, their own personality, their own memories, their own thoughts, emotions, etc. Sharing most with the core, but still having some separation. Separate from my median system, however, there's another part of me that I haven't explored. Since childhood, I have had another voice in my brain. This voice has never been a part of me. This voice has never been a part of Bree. He (and yes, he's a he, when all of me is a she, Bree is 100% she/her) has always been there as a friend. And I can actually see him if I try. He was the imaginary friend of a childhood, who never went away even into adulthood. He's been with me the entire time. There, but not a part of the core. Existing separately from it. But he's never taken control of my body. He's not a core part of Bree. He's not part of the median system. But he's also not someone who can take control of the body (or if he could, he never has). But he's not been alone. Since my teenage years (about since puberty), he's been joined by another guy working identically to the way he does. This guy, David, basically has constantly been emphasizing all the various ways I'm worthless, I'm trash, etc. for my entire time with him. Always highlighting the negative. Always putting me down. Always pointing out the failures. Every thing I do wrong, he would highlight as proof of why I am a garbage human being. Every time I felt guilt, he magnified it. And more than that, David seemed to elevate my darker impulses. Every time he was most active, everything negative in me was amplified. So I became terrified. In hindsight, my anxiety disorder at work, but also a somewhat realistic concern. Knowing about DID, and knowing that David was real, talking to me, in my head, and separate from me, I had the worrying thought of, "What if David took control of the body?" What disaster would await me if that happened? So I was terrified of him. My fear of him was one of the reasons I worked so hard to gain control of my life, as to make sure he could never manifest physically. I remain unsure if he could have. But I was always afraid of the possibility. I knew I could never get rid of David. I could not drive him away. He was in my brain, there to stay, no matter what. He was separate from my core, but still existing there. Alongside the other guy, my lifelong friend. (Who, by the way, is still there. He's actually encouraging me passively a little bit even right now, and we may get a chance to chat while driving, we'll have to see.) I want to delve into this in a more indepth blog, but for now skipping most of the details, just know that David has been a part of my brain for a long long time, but not a part of me, Bree, ever. He was always separate. He would amplify my darkest aspects, and always put me down. But recently, he's been absent. I had various theories. "Maybe I didn't need him anymore." "Maybe I got my life into a place where he had nothing to say." "Maybe the reason I don't hear David putting me down anymore is that I do it myself!" That last one's important. Because, yes. There is a part of me. My core. A female me, or as the plural wiki would put it, a female facet of me, of Bree. Who constantly does exactly what David did. Putting me down, highlighting every single failure. Unlike David, who I could tell was separate and male, this is part of me, part of the core, and is female. And then, today, I had a fairly sociopathic/psychopathic thought. The thought deeply disturbed me, because it meant that some facet of me had that level of sociopathy/psychopathy in them, and with them as part of my core, that meant that somewhere in me was that darker deeper impulse that I was always terrified would come to light when David was at his strongest, the fear of him manifesting. That sociopathic thought is important. Because enter my anxiety. Linking important thought A, with important thought B: "What if David isn't around anymore because he merged with the core and became the facet that you heard think that thought?" And that is the most terrifying thing of all, because it is frighteningly plausible and there's literally nothing that I can do about it. Thus, my morning blog. I wanna tell the story of how I got ma'am'd for the first time ever, and how on Monday, at approximately a time between 8:10 and 8:30, the person who did so was asking for my help. I keep on playing through something I will never ever have the answer to, because the only person who could answer it was that random total stranger I will never ever meet again.
They were asking for help with gas. I keep on playing it through my head. Did I hang up the fuel line (ending my transaction) before or after the request? After would mean no help, before would mean I could've, but didn't. Did I misunderstand the request and they wanted me to use my credit card to pay for some gas which I could do at any time? Could I have rewarded them for correctly gendering me by doing something different? I will wrack my brain on this for god only knows how long, but I will never know. It won't stop that from weighing on me tho. In better news tho. I got back into streaming after a 20 day drought. I should be getting my new stream schedule up, streaming tonight, creating a youtube, writing a script for youtube videos, updating linkedin, finishing work stuff, and streaming, but I am doing none of it. Tired, just not feeling up to it. I can't even properly tell the story I want to. I did also come up with two item combos in League, albeit not for Ashe most games. Brainstorming the highest amount of damage which can be dealt, I wasn't sure if it would be (mostly) full lethality or (mostly) full crit against non-tanks, but I think the combo is Eclipse + LDR + BT + IE + Ravenous + sixth high-AD item (Navori probably), but I'm not positive. Beyond that? I got authorized to start HRT and am beginning it tomorrow! You'd think that'd be a big thing; it is! I'm just a terrible blogger and can't really figure out how to write my mood into words right now. Sorry for being so lackluster. ...But turns out I do have some frustration.
I need a letter to certify that I am MtF to begin estrogen and up my dose of the T-blocker. I was hoping that it could be done online, but it needs to be done in person. Meaning either my January 21st appointment, or if I can get a sooner behavioral mental health appointment. Either way though, a bit frustrating. Understandable, due to legal reasons. But frustrating. Tomorrow is my endocrinology appointment.
It was originally scheduled to be in-person, but then I got covid and tested positive for covid and thus, had to change the type of appointment. While I was progressing under the prior endocrinologist, this is a new one thanks to the prior one retiring, so I am yet again facing the same fears as the last one: being gatekept. Originally, by this time, I was meant to be on two pills and start taking estrogen. But I am worried between it being a first visit, and being remote, that I might get gatekept and be delayed further. I want to take the next steps so badly. I literally am double-padding bras and shaving twice daily and it's not good enough. I need more. I just...want things to be the way they should be. So here's to hoping. I'm beginning to increasingly fear that every day might be the last day for my blog.
If I were really smart? I'd create a backup, step by step, meticulously copying over every entry. I should look into doing that eventually, but for now? I'm not smart, I'm dumb. I will say tho that today's not been very fun with repeated power hits. Each made me feel like it was the last, each knocked out my computer, and one lasted for what had to have been almost two hours. When it finally came back tho, I took the opportunity to start being smart in a different way. I have eleven windows of Google Chrome tabs. It might seem excessive and a horrific nightmare to people, but each of those windows actually has a dedicated purpose. One window is a resource for streaming, a different window is a dedicated tab I use for streaming (the two need to augment each other and cannot be combined), I have a window for work-related stuff, I have a window for things that I read, I have a window for my default window containing my original window that still contains most of the important stuff, I have a window for my online games, I have a window for skype and stuff relating to my good friend, I have another window that is basically 'future projects' stuff, I have a "this is the window I open new tabs in" window (which also serves as my hub for a fandom I'm a part of), a window for discord (as well as really important emergency links, which is what discord is for me), and then a window for watching twitch. Each of those windows has multiple tabs. The lower end is 3-4, the average is probably closer to 8-12, the highest like 20-30 (that'd be the future projects tab since I uh...have a lot in mind for my future obviously), but today I did some reorganizing, streamlining, and basically cleaning up of them, in addition to having actually saved the links to literally every. single. one. Of the ones I was using. (And that allowed me to actually close some that I wasn't expecting to actually really use in the future barring really really specific urges returning, like Kingdom of Loathing.) Basically, I recorded, documented, and otherwise archived a bunch of my Chrome stuff, while going through and streamlining/cleaning/organizing it as well. Which will definitely help me a lot. (I also basically developed an official order for the tabs, although every time explorer does the soft-reboot it messes with the preferred order.) Anyway, I feel like I am mostly better from my initial sickness, although I am very very very worried about a followthrough infection developing. I'm recovering, each day better than the last, but I need to be continuing to do good things in order to ensure no infection, including recovering swiftly. I really want to be better by tomorrow so that I can return to work, and I really don't want to miss my endocrinology appointment this Thursday. Still tho: I'm cautiously optimistic. |
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