I imagine that's a symptom of having done plenty of stuff but none which I really felt like I could actually talk about. There's also a huge buildup of self-doubt, disappointment in myself, maybe even some loathing, and a huge desire to be more than what I am (which is where the disappointment and maybe even depression comes from, via the realization that I can't be that).
Basically right now it kinda sorta feels like I want to be all of the me that I can be. All of the mes that I am, all at once. That I don't want the compartmentalization. I don't want the segmented life. I don't want the separation. I don't want to have a broken, shattered, fragmented life. I want it unified, I want it to all be together.
And yet I know that is basically an impossibility. Especially given time constraints cause some to be mutually exclusive from one another, and that some have limits so high that I could devote all of myself to them and still not reach the limit of what that me could be doing. (As an example: writing dozens or hundreds of stories all at once. Drawing dozens of comics all at once. Reading thousands of comics all at once. Playing hundreds of mafia games all at once. The list drags on and on.)
It's the problem with the power of choice.
I developed this coping mechanism a long time ago. Long time ago. Long as I can remember. Breaking myself up into multiple chunks. One pursuing one path, the other pursuing a different path. As an avoidance of facing a choice between two, of committing myself to doing one over another. The compartmentalization allows me to do both rather than one, the other, or neither.
But it has an inherent weakness in that my presence is weak via this division. This lack of unity. This lack of being whole all at once. And I can't really do much with those feelings because I'm not ready to make those choices. I don't think I ever will be. How could I? How can I choose between things that I love, and different things I also love? When the love I have for both is equally as strong, and the absence of one leaves an equally large hole in my heart as the absence of another?
I feel like I need them all.
So I keep on going down a path where I am doing nothing.
Nothing at all.
And it's just so frustrating that I know I am, and that I actually want this, because while I desire to be more than this, I don't want to face the reality that being more than what I am right now requires in the real world sacrifices I cannot at this time make. So while I want to be more...while I want to be me as one...the divided me as I am is what I currently want more because I can't let go of anything.
I just can't.
Maybe that's a weakness, maybe it's one of my few strengths, doesn't matter. It's definitely...there. That inability to sacrifice. Selfless, yet selfish. I kinda hate it. The world would be so much simpler if I could just give everything more and then everything would be better. Yet it doesn't work that way. No matter how much I wish it did.