My body requires an annoyingly large amount of upkeep. I basically have a ridiculously fast metabolism which was meant to slow down except it never actually did. As stereotypical as it is, I have the metabolism of a teenage boy. Or maybe not quite that high, so let's say teenage girl. (Who are not the stereotype so I assume are still high consumers but not quite as high.) I need to eat a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I'd roughly estimate probably in the 3,000 range to not have a deficit? I dunno how food really works for the body, honestly. But I need to eat a lot to maintain 100%.
Like...no matter how much or how little I eat I never gain or lose weight. Not in any significant notable amount. I average somewhere in the 148 range. If I am eating a lot and less active that can climb higher but never above 153. If I'm active and starving myself it can fall to like 143. But I don't really gain or lose any real notable weight. I have no idea why, but that's just the way my body works. (I know, a lot of people would consider this a good thing, but it's just a thing, neither good nor bad.)
All of this is to say, what I eat doesn't matter for my weight. But it does matter for my energy and my ability to function throughout the day. (I'm getting to the point, I promise.) When I'm not eating enough, I end up lethargic, lacking energy, drained easily, tired, mentally foggy, etc. And I require a ludicrously large amount of food to eat enough. We're talking three large meals a day as the bare minimum. Which, I can't always get.
And lately...I've been having the opposite.
My wife and I since we've gotten back from vacation have been surviving off a single container of Ritz per day. 1 - 2 Ritz cylinders, shared between us. Not each. That one or two packs, split between us. Half a pack, or one full pack, each. For the entire day. For the better part of three days in a row. While I was relatively physically active, no less.
Suffice to say, it had a rather...negative effect on my ability to function effectively. Like, it's enough to survive, but I was exactly the things I said above. Lethargic, lacking energy, easily drained, mentally foggy, easily stressed, highly depressed, etc. I was unable to really function at all.
...But now...today...I actually feel...well it's hard to tell, half of me right now feels fully full, half of me feels like I could have some more, so it's hard to say, but...I...might actually be full??? And like...for the first time since getting back, I don't feel drained. I feel energetic.
And more than that.
I'm feeling like I'm not sick anymore. Time will tell if I'm not actually sick, but I'm not feeling sick anymore.
And you know what?
All of this?
...Was only possible because of the support I received from loved ones.
My mom gave me just enough to deal with rent.
My dad paid for my car's tabs renewal.
But I still didn't have enough money for groceries after the literal thousands they bailed me out with.
Yet after I mentioned to my friends yesterday night what I was going through...
...They rallied to support me, and gave just enough money for me to get groceries today.
And because I was able to eat today, I am now feeling more alive.
I have received the support of so many who have given me just enough to make it by, this month.
The one and only thing I haven't dealt with is the company that I believe is illegally charging me.
Granted! I still have to pursue taking action against the illegal charges and fighting back.
And I need to find food banks that work with my work schedule so I can go to one after work.
And I need to look into things like food stamps.
And I need to do a lot of stuff still.
And I didn't quite have the ability to today because while I was gaining energy today, I didn't have the energy until about an hour ago.
But! I am feeling hopeful. I'm feeling energetic. I'm feeling loved.
I know that I've gotten this far off of loads of support I won't be able to pay back.
But I'm not starving anymore. I'm not in despair anymore. I'm feeling like, tomorrow, I can tackle everything.
I can't afford to slack off--but at the same time, I feel like, as long as I don't? As long as I take action and am proactive? I will be okay. Things will work out. It won't be easy. But I am rested and recharged--tomorrow, it's time to use that energy.
I am insanely blessed. But I want to use that blessing and not waste it.
Thank you, everyone. For getting me through this tough time.
In whatever way I can, I will pay you back. I might not be able to ever pay you back in any meaningful way--but I still will pay you back. Because when I am this loved, it only redoubles my resolve to spread the love. You all deserve it. <3
Like...no matter how much or how little I eat I never gain or lose weight. Not in any significant notable amount. I average somewhere in the 148 range. If I am eating a lot and less active that can climb higher but never above 153. If I'm active and starving myself it can fall to like 143. But I don't really gain or lose any real notable weight. I have no idea why, but that's just the way my body works. (I know, a lot of people would consider this a good thing, but it's just a thing, neither good nor bad.)
All of this is to say, what I eat doesn't matter for my weight. But it does matter for my energy and my ability to function throughout the day. (I'm getting to the point, I promise.) When I'm not eating enough, I end up lethargic, lacking energy, drained easily, tired, mentally foggy, etc. And I require a ludicrously large amount of food to eat enough. We're talking three large meals a day as the bare minimum. Which, I can't always get.
And lately...I've been having the opposite.
My wife and I since we've gotten back from vacation have been surviving off a single container of Ritz per day. 1 - 2 Ritz cylinders, shared between us. Not each. That one or two packs, split between us. Half a pack, or one full pack, each. For the entire day. For the better part of three days in a row. While I was relatively physically active, no less.
Suffice to say, it had a rather...negative effect on my ability to function effectively. Like, it's enough to survive, but I was exactly the things I said above. Lethargic, lacking energy, easily drained, mentally foggy, easily stressed, highly depressed, etc. I was unable to really function at all.
...But now...today...I actually feel...well it's hard to tell, half of me right now feels fully full, half of me feels like I could have some more, so it's hard to say, but...I...might actually be full??? And like...for the first time since getting back, I don't feel drained. I feel energetic.
And more than that.
I'm feeling like I'm not sick anymore. Time will tell if I'm not actually sick, but I'm not feeling sick anymore.
And you know what?
All of this?
...Was only possible because of the support I received from loved ones.
My mom gave me just enough to deal with rent.
My dad paid for my car's tabs renewal.
But I still didn't have enough money for groceries after the literal thousands they bailed me out with.
Yet after I mentioned to my friends yesterday night what I was going through...
...They rallied to support me, and gave just enough money for me to get groceries today.
And because I was able to eat today, I am now feeling more alive.
I have received the support of so many who have given me just enough to make it by, this month.
The one and only thing I haven't dealt with is the company that I believe is illegally charging me.
Granted! I still have to pursue taking action against the illegal charges and fighting back.
And I need to find food banks that work with my work schedule so I can go to one after work.
And I need to look into things like food stamps.
And I need to do a lot of stuff still.
And I didn't quite have the ability to today because while I was gaining energy today, I didn't have the energy until about an hour ago.
But! I am feeling hopeful. I'm feeling energetic. I'm feeling loved.
I know that I've gotten this far off of loads of support I won't be able to pay back.
But I'm not starving anymore. I'm not in despair anymore. I'm feeling like, tomorrow, I can tackle everything.
I can't afford to slack off--but at the same time, I feel like, as long as I don't? As long as I take action and am proactive? I will be okay. Things will work out. It won't be easy. But I am rested and recharged--tomorrow, it's time to use that energy.
I am insanely blessed. But I want to use that blessing and not waste it.
Thank you, everyone. For getting me through this tough time.
In whatever way I can, I will pay you back. I might not be able to ever pay you back in any meaningful way--but I still will pay you back. Because when I am this loved, it only redoubles my resolve to spread the love. You all deserve it. <3
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