SUCH A MORON.
So today is Sunday, right?
You know how that goes. I do stuff on Sunday. I write it down, right?
In this case.
I wrote down two and a half songs.
TWO FULL SONGS.
Plus half of a third, that being its chorus.
TWO FULL SONGS AND PART OF A THIRD.
Two and a half, well and true, full, proper songs.
One with one of the most interesting rhyming schemes I've ever developed! (Mostly because it was largely freeform as the song itself will--or rather, WOULD--tell you.)
And what did I do?
...I FREAKIN' LEFT THEM BEHIND.
Here's the thing.
When it comes to gear I leave behind, it's a 50/50 on whether I'll be able to retrieve it or not.
But this is two small pieces of scrap paper.
That nobody knows how important they are.
Which are in a spot.
That very easily could be disturbed.
And/or if discovered, just thrown away.
I was in such a rush to avoid being asked to do a towel run that I didn't double-check my list of things to bring into my car. I got all my Y gear, I got my shoebag (which I left behind last week in this same hurry), but the items I absolutely most needed to get.
I didn't get.
So there's a very, very, very, VERY realistic chance that some of my BEST WORK. (After all I'm depressed and songwriting and depression go hand-in-hand.) Will be thrown away as trash. And lost forever. Because I forgot to take it with me when leaving.
And I can't justify going back there to retrieve it and even if I could then I'd be at risk of being asked to do that towel run I was dashing out the door to avoid in the first place! Plus there's the fact that while it's a couple of hours away family night part two starts today, so. I really shouldn't and that's what pisses me off so much.
There's hope though. It just so happens that I have a dentist appointment tomorrow. It's an early-morning appointment too. So while it'd be going a little out of the way, I could go there either before or after said appointment to check and see if I can maybe salvage my songs before it's too late. Preferably before, both because I have counseling tomorrow and to give a higher success chance.
THAT IS NOT A MISTAKE.
I WANTED TO MAKE.
(I mean it could be worse. I could have left behind very very very private thoughts there, though...well. See below.)
Also semi-lost: two songs which I heard on the radio that I've always thought were potentially songs that someone who's trans could identify with. I wanted to look them up and blog about them and why they, to me, can be read that way. (I don't know either's lyrics but I did record some memorable lines from both. One has "that's not my name"; the other has "I'm just a girl" and I could probably still find them just from those tidbits but I probably won't try today.)
A side-effect of this: delaying something very very very risky which I intend to do. Perhaps smartly so, since doing it this way will maybe potentially actually give me better timing. The downside is that this is giving my mind more time to chicken out, because I was planning on doing this literally first thing when I got home, even before blogging about the songs (which I was gonna do immediately after).
But. I really want to do this, risks be damned. I don't want to talk myself out of it. I don't want to chicken out. I don't want to let myself stop and not do it when I was absolutely resolute in doing it today. I know there would be incredible risk to it. I know that things could go very badly because of it. But. I really want to do it and even if I didn't want to it's something I feel I should do regardless. Yet because I DO want to do it, even more reason to.
I'm scared of doing it. I'm looking for every excuse to talk myself out of it, to back down that I can. Yet. What I really want to do. Is to tell my boss I am trans. The current plan is to do so Monday night. I'm also afraid I'll miss an important part of my speech (the cliffnotes version is that I'm trusting in the Y's core values, I'm autistic, I'm a girl, what this means, why I'm closeted, why I haven't discussed it, encouraging communication, and whatnot. I'm sure there's more to it than that but I've got the general gist right now and I'm afraid I'll lose it), but that's less of the fear than the fear of me just not doing so when coming so close.
It's something that is so...intimidating. I'm in a bit of a panic over it even. Yet. I want to do it. I want to take that plunge, to take that risk, and go for it, because I want to be free to be...me. I could lose my job. My dad could learn the truth and thus disown me with me being kicked out of the house. I could have the misfortune of having those two combined. I could lose everything I have.
I can't live like this. I can't live this lie. Not like this. If I lose my job, bad things will happen. If I get kicked out of my house and disowned, bad things will happen. But. There's so many good things which can happen too. I could keep my job and even become happier working there and maybe even progress much, much, much further and stronger there. In it, I could potentially be a model employee rather than someone I imagine has a terrible reputation. Even if not.
I could get resources and a network of support from them. Regardless of whether I keep my job or not. I firmly believe they can help me get connections, local connections, I oh so desperately am in need of. If my dad is kept in the dark, then I get to stay at home.
If he finds out. Well then. The last shackles holding me back will have been forcefully broken. I know I'd be in for a very, very, very hard time initially. The "oh my god she's going to starve to death" threat will be an actual real thing rather than a panicky girlfriend's imagination. (That's a bit of an amusing story, but I'm not sure I could explain it here.)
I would be without all the resources I need. I would be ejected prematurely, without having the support I'd need, and I'd lose a lot. I'd lose comfort. I'd lose weight. I'd lose a lot, including most of my internet access. (Which means I'd probably briefly siteflake.) I don't know what I'd have or not have but I'd be in mostly bad shape of that much you could be sure.
If I was forcefully removed from the luxuries I have right now.
Then the only way I'd have to go is up.
It would be impossible to go down.
I can't lose anything past those points. I can gain things.
I can gain the freedom to actually be me.
I can gain the freedom to begin transitioning.
I can gain the freedom to be independent.
I can gain the freedom to know that when I finally have reestablished my footing, that I am well and truly living as myself, as a woman, rather than as a lie. So I know there's a huge risk. I know that I could lose oh so much from this. But I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of waiting for the right question to come which never gets asked. I'm tired of waiting for a talk from my superiors which never manifests. I'm tired of waiting for a dialog to appear which would allow me to take advantage of it and smoothly segue into a chat about the subject.
So I'm going to do this.
It needs to be done.
For my quality of life, I need it. It's not healthy for me to have this stalemate of never moving forward and always just waiting for someone else to fix my problem for me. I need some sort of initiative, and on the bright side, because I've got a counseling appointment tomorrow, with the delay of this, I can maybe talk it over with him and explain what I'm planning to do and why.
I am Bree.
And I don't like pretending I'm not.
If everything goes perfectly. If my boss supports me. If work supports me. If I get all what I hope for. And my dad doesn't find out. Well, then. There will still be times that I'll by necessity need to live the lie. Even among those that I could share my secret to I'd probably still answer to my dead name at first though the aim there would obviously be to transition into my true name.
But by and large.
No matter what result.
I want to live more like me.
If things go perfectly there will be the times I live the lie.
But even if they do go perfectly, then I'll still be able to live more freely as me. I'll be able to live as Bree more often. As me rather than a lie.
And if things go poorly?
Then while my quality of life will short-term plummet to just about as low as it can go. I'll survive. I'll live. And know that full-time I can be Bree, no need to pretend I am anything other than who I am.
So that's why this is something I want to do essentially right now.
I don't want to wait a month.
I don't want to wait until some distant future time.
I realize it is risky. But I've weighed those risks. I know that people are working right now to get into a position where they'd be able to better help me. (At least one of my girlfriends is going above and beyond their call of duty to try and set aside enough money to make a difference.) I know that if I wait long enough there will be options opened to me on their own without me having done anything.
But that's just.
So far away.
And I can't make it that far. I'm feeling suffocated--not by my girlfriends, not by my life, not by me, not by the things I do, not by the burdens of things I take on or anything like that. But by having this lie almost full-time. There are still things I can't yet muster the courage for. (Telling my older sister for instance. Or telling anyone in my family that I have girlfriendS, plural. They'd be shocked enough to hear so much as singular and wouldn't exactly be the most approving of a long-distance relationship I feel. So that I hesitate to do until such a time where I need to.)
But this is one thing that I have gotten the guts for. I've come close to it before, but backed down. But I need to actually go through with it. And not wait for a prompt from someone else. To do it on my own. And I think tomorrow is the best time to try.