I did eventually manage one dream about power rangers which contained an interesting idea (the lead Ranger was permanently partially paralyzed in an accident, having been a star athlete prior to then; when a Ranger, he has that gift back), along with some potentially-interesting plotlines (his bloodline has a gene which makes them incredibly receptive to becoming Rangers, and many of his ancestors filled his role--also included? His baby brother, as in, literally a baby, an infant less than a year old, who through the morphing process becomes an adult), along with some rehashes. (One Ranger was essentially Tommy Oliver in his role of former-lead-Ranger-turned-supporting-Ranger. Along with the aforementioned Ranger-induced age-up.)
It also featured a mechanic where past Rangers would, in a mirror reflection, if going through the morph sequence, still give off a phantom image of their prior life as one--so long as the morphing grid is functional, at least. And a character who was of questionable appearance, looking and sounding like a villain, yet who had a deep connection to the Ranger's morphs and knew all about every aspect of it and was in fact on their side.
But otherwise. That should have felt like it was at least an hour in real life for dream-time.
...It felt like less than half that. That's not a very restful dream. That's a scraped-together-at-the-last-minute dream. My subconscious desperately trying to scrounge together something coherent in a time I am otherwise incoherent.
Because right now I am a mess. I felt better going into last night, but it returned with a vengeance this morning. Thoughts like, "I don't wanna be here". "I don't want to be this me". "I want to be mastina again" and the like, flooding me. Not suicidal thoughts, mind you. Just. Thoughts of me not wanting to be the one in control, for someone else to take over. Feelings that I suck, that I'm not good, the like.
I just don't want them. Yet I can't stop them. They're bombarding me constantly. Is this really the way I view myself? Because I don't want to be in denial...but I also really really really don't want to think this way. After all. To me. To some extent: "Your mind makes it real". As in. Things which aren't true can be made true if we believe them to be true. So the happy me. The me who is worth being.
That's the me I want to be. Even if it's a me who isn't fully in-touch with reality, I don't care--it's a me who can shape reality. The me that I am now might theoretically have that power, but any change to reality I can think of would not be for the better.
I just. I want to be someone else right now. I mean. I'm going to be Bree no matter what. But I want to be a different Bree. The memories, the emotions, the feelings I'm having, they're all so steeped in negativity. My past failures all in my mind. My emotions, up on the surface.
I'm just. I'm in pain. Deep, deep pain. Pain which makes me lash out, know I'm lashing out, and hate myself even more for having lashed out because I want to be that better person, I WANT to inspire others, I WANT to do well, I WANT to create things (also noteworthy is that I've thought of lots of story stuff recently in the last 12 hours or so, far more than normal), yet I know that as I am right now, I can't.
I'm like a living, breathing stereotype right now. Of the insufferable artistic savant: someone either far too in-touch with reality or far too divorced from it, maybe somehow both at the same time as contradictory as that sounds. Who can create great things from their experiences, from their pain, from their suffering, as a coping mechanism for all their myriad of failures.
A creature filled with self-doubt, self-loathing, and just a general desire to be better, to be something else, and thus the escape to other worlds, other realms, mostly of my own creation. I'm in weak, vulnerable child mode right now. Not strong, confident adult mode.
I want things to go right.
I want things to go better.
But I don't know how to stop my destruction.
Other than to just. Let it out. Vent it. Explain. And receive support. Because I know support helps me, it did last night.
I mean. I'd rather be the one giving support. I hate needing it. I hate that I'm a flawed human being who sucks with all my myriad of flaws. I want to be someone who can be a positive influence. I want to be a role model. I want to be a shining beacon of humanity, all the better parts of it. I want to show people they can be stronger than they think they are. I want to be a leader by example. I want others to follow in my footsteps, be inspired by what I've done, what I do, and see the better aspects of my techniques, my teachings, incorporating it into their own ways.
That's who I want to be.
And I know that the me I am right now is a miserable failure at most of them. The closest I get to success is that I recognize these faults and want to correct them, want to better them, can be open and honest about their existence. But even there I lie a lot, especially to myself but also to others.
Me as I can be. Me on a good day. Me when I don't suck. The me I'm not right now but was a couple days ago. That me? That me I think can do it. That me I know can give support. That me I know can inspire others. That me I know tells people they are better than they think they are. But this me? Not so much. Which is one reason why I really want to be...not the current me.
I think I've identified some of the upsides of the current me--and thus, I know why I have this side within myself. But right now. I don't want it. I don't want those things. I want the other things. So I want to change, to be the other side. Because this side is not what I feel I need right now. This side, maybe I'd need it at a different time. But said different time would be not right now.
I'm sorry. I really don't like to have such a negative rant. I should've put the power rangers stuff here at the bottom, to end on a high note. I like the positive. But I can't muster it right now. I wish I could.