I'm basically having one meal a day.
Usually...how many calories? It can't exceed a thousand.
My entire meal for a day is about that much.
Keep in mind.
I'm not working out actively, but I stay physically fit enough--I walk about two or three miles on Sundays. I do Tae Kwon Do on Tuesday. I dance Wednesdays and Thursdays. Dancing might not seem like physical activity, but trust me, it is.
That is something which means I should be getting like two or three thousand.
Yet I'm not hungry.
I'm barely eating. I drink some, but probably not enough to make up that difference.
I'm shutting down.
Not a little.
The thoughts I'm getting.
They're not good.
They should never exist in a person.
And yet they are growing stronger and stronger.
I really am.
The sinking feeling in me.
This is a place beyond giving up.
And the worst part of it all is how I'm responding.
Anger. Bitterness. Hostility.
I'm pushing others who could maybe help me away.
I'm deliberately distancing myself.
I'm becoming the thing I despise, that being filled with cynicism, without hope, with...nothing but rage and a lack of desire to do anything.
So when I say it's bad.
When I say this is dangerous.
I mean it is very dangerous.
This is not something to be written off.
If it were a phase, I would quite literally thank god the moment it passed.
The most terrifying thing is that right now, I'm not terrified.
Normally, I would be terrified of how I was doing.
Let that sink in for you.
I'm not terrified of this bad stuff.