I went from the above to...well. From a good person to a not-so-good person. I became sad. Depressed. Hopeless. Feeling like I should give up. Angry. Bitter. Self-loathing. Hateful. Wanting to lash out. Worn out. Useless. Just about every negative emotion in the book and then some.
It was like I quite literally became a different person (again),but this time not for the better. This isn't just a depression. This isn't a mood. This is something stronger, deeper. A fundamental shift in my core personality, my core being, from being looking forward to everything in life to dreading every minute of it.
And the thing I most hate is that I'm in this state and stuck in it because it's not like I can make myself come out--in fact I tried and failed. Specifically. I tried and then I went, "No, I want to be like this even if it's (pardon the language) a shitty state to be in because I want it right now and might even deserve it in fact I think I definitely do but even if I didn't I still want to be miserable right now so there".
And that's the most loathsome thing of all. That I want to be stuck like this. It's fortunate that I'm currently not in a position where I could actively contact people and do so in a harmful way--because with the level of toxicity within my brain right now I would do exactly that. Be harmful to them, not caring, not thinking of the consequences.
And I hate that. I hate that my drive to do art is gone--I had a really good idea for a drawing which I want to make (essentially the Ruby avatar I first had only redone), and all it would take is my mood improving for me to do it. (Well actually it would have to wait until Saturday at the earliest since I've got business for Thursday and family night Friday.)
I hate so much about it and I also really want to get out, so I'm right now going to be focusing on things that I'm going to hope make me happy to see if maybe I can trigger a change back to at the very least a more neutral state. I wouldn't even necessarily need to go into a positive mood. (Though obviously I'd want to be happy.) Just a freakin' NEUTRAL state (not negative) would be good right now.
I don't know why things went sour.
That's a lie.
In a way.
Not know, per se.
But have a theory?
Someone recently introduced me to the concept of a medium. And when I read an article about one, I went, "Hey, that kind of sounds like me...us...me...us-yet-me. Let us just say that it sounds vaguely familiar and fitting?" I mean. I'd have to go into more research to see more detail about the concept.
And for that matter.
More soul-searching on my part along with a healthy dosage of self-reflecting to see if that's actually the case.
So I'm not exactly going to prance around saying "Hey I'm/we're a medium" when we really have no clue. But basically. When this sort of shift happens. It'd be a different 'center' (I'm using my own terminology here which is inconsistent so bear with me), a different core me, in spite of the central core always being me. And it's something which can shift back and forth.
The hope here is that this self-destructive side (I'm sure there's some theoretical benefit to this side but frankly I don't see it and don't want it right now) can be shifted so that a different side would be in control, be the main side, be supported.
Incidentally, and this is actually a bit of a frightening though. When I was in my more positive state, I felt equally strongly that I was both mastina and Bree. Right now, I actually feel like I'm disturbingly close to having it feel right that I'm Ranger.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm still capable of positive emotions in this state, like laughing at my more humorous aspects. Butstill. The thought that Ranger is currently a being so filled with negativity is worrying given all that I have attributed to her. If that's me, if I'm Ranger right now like I kind of feel like I am (I really don't feel like mastina, though I still feel like Bree), then damn I'm in bad shape.