And my immune system has been weakened appropriately. This didn't happen just last night. It's been happening for a few nights. And the results show as much, though today was the first day I actually felt signs of being sick: sore throat (still there, by the way), stuffed up nose (that didn't last long), a feeling like there was stuff in my nose (also didn't last long), basically, full-blown sickness stuff, beyond a pseudosickness.
This does not seem like it was the cause: "I am sick and so I'm not sleeping well". Rather, it feels like the opposite, "I am sick because I am not sleeping well".
Which leaves the question of...why am I not sleeping well?
I honestly don't know. It might be that I have a lot on my mind. Panicking at potential hostile behavior I have shown. Questining my existence. Wondering about what I should and should not do, and whether I deserve to be treated the way I am, and thinking of how I treat others and general philosophical stuff like that.
It could be depression. I missed my update today. That's been part of a rough week, where I've found it difficult to work on anything and easy to find myself distracted.
It could be the cold. Freezing and snow don't like me, especially not in my room which doesn't receive heat from the house very well. (It's usually at least ten degrees cooler in my room than the rest of the house, if not more.) And while I sleep under three layers of blankets--plus wearing my warm winter clothing--that might not be enough to counter the effects of the cold.
It could be any number of those things, and it could be something entirely else.
What I do know, though, is that it is there and...it's not pleasant to deal with.
I'm having a really hard time right now, and I really feel like I'm closing myself off from most others--a really, really dangerous sign. That's like a neon warning spelling out, "YOU NEED HELP AND MIGHT DO SOMETHING YOU REGRET IF YOU DON'T GET IT".
I just am not sure what to do.
Right now I feel like a failure. I feel like a liar. I feel like I'm not being honest, not telling the truth. But I'm not sure what it all means. Yet alone, how to fix it.
Life's just...not going well for me right now. I'm a mess.