...Yet in spite of my online memories being identical to yesterday (indicating no apparent shift), literally everything else is different right now. I feel like I'm thinking differently--how, hard to say. It's just that I felt a very visible, notable SHIFT in processing.
Then there's emotions. Fear, bitterness, anger, all gone. Regret remains, but not in the form of sadness. Longing's still there, but I feel more like fighting it more than letting it run rampant. Energetic, ecstatic, youthful, happy. I feel like I went from bitter old lady, jaded and hostile, to a young lady, full of optimism and idealism.
It's just...different. That can't just be merely a shift in emotions. Literally overnight, my attitude and outlook on life has changed, and I don't know why. There was no trigger. It just...happened. One moment, a me I'm honestly not too thrilled about who has dark thoughts. The next, a different me who is entirely...not the same. Something else.
Among the changes, I've got an incredible drive to create right now. I mean. It's possible my new-found euphoria right now is simply the manic half of my bipolar disorder. But it's something which feels like more than that. I just. I just kinda know myself, and know what is and isn't it and this isn't that.
Especially since it also doesn't fit the trends I've seen. I feel different and I also can see the objective evidence of this being abnormal. My manic side usually just amps up my impulsiveness--makes me more nervous, makes me more hyper, makes me do things I normally wouldn't. It's actually my depressed side I usually do my best brainstorming in.
Time and time again, I've found that when I am creative (especially if it's theory, where I am making something in my mind yet not making it in reality), it is thanks to depression. (I've theorized that it's because depression causes me to draw within myself: I withdraw from others and the real world, going into my own thoughts, and as a result of me thinking more, I think up more stuff.)
...Yet here. I have that drive, that energy, that passion, that motivation to get things done. My outlook, my emotions, they're at the entirely opposite side of the spectrum from what I feel when I'm depressed. When I'm depressed it shows physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have trouble smiling, I have less energy, I feel like sleeping, I am not as hyper, a whole bunch of others. And I'm showing literally none of those at all.
I'm laughing, dancing, having fun. Enjoying life. I'm smart enough to not let myself get carried away too much. (I want to write a few round dances, but that'd take a serious time commitment right now and today's too busy for me to do that.) But it's there. A drive not just to THINK about things, but to MAKE them. In a way I can't really remember the last time I was around to feel.
I feel like this is something that I should make the most of. I am at a me I am almost never at. I should pursue this for as long as possible. This is not the normal Sunday-induces time to think. Maybe as a result of work I got the mindset, I don't know when this happened exactly. It just...did.
And it feels awesome.
I feel like I'm back.
I don't know when I was "gone".
But whatever I was gone to.
I feel like I'm back now.