...But how can I explain to her they're not things I want right now? How can I explain to them they're not my top priority? How can I explain to her that I'm actually afraid of doing those? I know that they'd be difficult. It'd be physically painful and exhausting and hard--inertia is something which is incredibly challenging to overcome.
Yet that's not my issue at all. My issue is that, basically...I don't want to be buff. I don't want to have toned muscles. I don't want to have a physique. I don't want to actually look male. I know that plenty of girls have toned bodies--heck, my teacher is among them. Yet, their muscles look like buff muscles in a feminine way.
(On another note--that's something incredibly hard to get right as an artist. I've seen a manga artist for a seinen series draw a buff female which was exactly right, but it's a rarity. You either get them too slender, or you get them too buff and unrealistic. Google searching isn't exactly the most reliable of sources, either, as they get you images which fall into one of those two categories: too subtle to be noticed, or too blatant to be believable-as-natural.)
Like. You can just kinda tell. Realistic male buff muscles look different from realistic female buff muscles. And...I really like my, so to speak, porcelain figure. I'm relatively smooth. Sure, there's some excess fat in places. (Yes I'm underweight, but that doesn't stop me from having flab on among other places my legs.) Sure, there's probably some form of muscles present, there, too, muscles beyond the norm.
But I look like a stick. And I like looking like a stick, because it's better than the alternatives. Gaining too much fat would make the fat go to areas which are distinctly male. Gaining too much muscle would make me look to male. It's an appearance thing. I don't want to feel male.
I know that I'll face difficulties with physical activity eventually when I start to transition--but I am okay with that. And when I do start to transition, I wouldn't mind staying physically active. In fact, that'd probably be a good thing. Yet. How do I find a way to tell my tae kwon do instructor...I'm waiting for this big thing before I begin to be fit?
How can I tell her that, thanks to my dysphoria, I don't want to actively pursue becoming physically fit until I can be the me I want to be? I try to focus on techniques. I try to focus on teaching. I try to focus on the non-physical stuff, and to spend my time doing every task except for that.
It's just...a lose-lose situation.