On the drive there, I got an absolutely perfect playlist. It started out with Numb, by Linkin Park. The lyrics there are eerily good to apply to my life, especially in regards to my dad. Just listen:
I'm tired of being what you want me to be,
Feeling so faithless,
Lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me,
Holding too tightly,
Afraid to lose control?
'Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you.
Every step that I take is another mistake to you.
And every second I waste is more than I can take.
And I know
I may end up failing too.
But I know
You were just like me,
With someone disappointed in you.
(Admittedly the last part is speculation on my part, in regards to how my dad was treated by his dad, but I figure that my dad got his tendencies from somewhere.)
Now, the parts about disappointment might not apply right now.
And my dad doesn't think he holds expectations of me.
But what he is expecting is for me to be 'male', and that, I am not. That means I'm tired of being what he wants me to be, and tired of feeling bad about it, and tired of all the doubt and guilt I have, tired of living the lie, of being something I will never be. It's just something I kinda tune out, but that's because I have the awareness I do. I want to be me, not him. And whether he realizes it or not, he has smothered me, he has held his bigotry tightly, and is rather controlling (even if you would never know this initially), and while what he wants me to be hasn't fallen apart, if I ever came out to him, it would be. He would call my steps forward mistakes, and my time with him is wasteful, with it being painful for me to take.
I could end up failing, but I'm going to at least try.
The other two songs played was a cover of Sweet Dreams, which I've always thought makes a decent metaphor for a typical mafia game: some want to use others (mafia), some want to be used (colloquially the term used is 'sheep'), the game can get a bit abusive, some do it intentionally and some expect it to be done. Plus, in an online setting, it takes place across the world and the seven seas, with players from all six inhabited continents.
And the third song was Dream On, by Aerosmith. Lots of the lyrics in that song are appealing to me in ways, though there's obviously the 'dream on, until your dreams come true' part which is a central theme of my life.
On a not so pleasant note, the day started with my sister saying the following:
"I was asked by one of the families I teach if I had a sister, who worked at the Y. Turns out they weren't talking about you. You don't look like a girl."
...If only she knew.
Sometimes I feel glad that, in my autism, I respond to basically all comments with a dull face, a dull response, and a dull overall appearance. It might make conversing with me difficult...but I tell you, if I had the social range of a normal person, in terms of how I'd respond, it'd be literally impossible to keep my emotions in check.
That comment cut deeply. Not just a little, but a lot.
Also, I'm alone in a house filled with unhappy animals. Our kitten's wearing the cone of shame, and she's absolutely miserable in it. Our dog also isn't pleased. They keep expecting me to do something, yet...I can't do anything to help them. Which makes it all the more painful on me.
I'll stay strong somehow though.