But I want to start writing again.
This comes from reading Reader's Digest's genius issue. A number of articles there have encouraged that side of me, that more creative side rather than more...well, lackluster gaming side. In particular, what caught my attention and made me blog was reading the back-to-back articles about Confessions of a Word Nerd (in that I empathize there quite a lot and have many of the same peculiarities) combined with the books-getting-dumber...
...And also. Critically. With its formula, the Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level test. (Incidentally this would be a great test to use for me when writing my posts in mafia games to test how easy they are to understand. It might actually offer an explanation for why a higher-rate of posting with one-liners is so "easy", in that users of the style are usually harder to lynch. The explanation being their posts are impossible to not-get, whereas longer posts are possible to not-get.)
Apparently the formula comes out to be 0.39(total words/total sentences) + 11.8(total syllables/total words) - 15.59. I imagine the formula has all sorts of flaws. The article used it as a golden standard to measure how things have progressively been getting "dumber". When there are any numerous alternative explanations available. The formula isn't accurate, the formula is a poor metric to measure off of even if it IS accurate, a shift in society has rendered the formula once-accurate to be obsolete, and so on and so forth and whatnot.
...But that's not my point. My point is...I just feel invigorated by the articles. I've always thought, "I could do better". With Twilight, I thought "I could do better". So I invented a whole series of trashy romance novels for me to write. (And yes I do say trashy because no, they aren't really actually better.) With the Inheritance Cycle, I thought "I could do better". I haven't even read Game of Thrones and yet I've thought I could do better than that.
Heck, call it arrogance all you'd like, call it an ego, but when it comes to titans of the industry like Steven King and J.K. Rowling. I've thought, "I can beat that". People have told me throughout my writing career at every step of the way. "This is good." That I pick up on things others miss. That I have a way with words. That I write spectacularly. And, admittedly. To be fair. Most of these people have been close to me.
So yes I know they could be exaggerating for my sake. Yes I'm quite aware they could be biased and think me better than I actually am. But...again, call it arrogance all you want. Yet...I don't think they're wrong. I DO think I'm that. damn. good. (Pardon the language.)
I have the talent. I have the skill. I have the ability. I...I honestly doubt my capability. Because I've had hundreds of attempts and no successes. How could I succeed especially when even knowing about my bipolar disorder I still cave in to it at ALMOST every turn? I'm motivated now but that's almost assuredly my manic half kicked into high gear. What happens when that turns to depression and yes it inevitably will? What happens when I get writers' block? What happens when I hit the revision wall where I want to rewrite everything?
I don't have an answer for all of that. Which is why I have all these doubts about my ability to actually follow through on this. I've wanted to so many times. I've tried to, so many times. I've failed. So. many. times. I mean, granted. NaNoWriMo starts less than a week from now. That's a perfect time to begin, even if I cheat to get my goal. (The goal of NaNoWriMo isn't to get the word count, it's to get the novel written. So prewritten content, by my definition, is fine.)
But will that be enough?
I can't say.
This year, though...I want to go back to writing the novel I was writing before. It would remain mostly the same, but there's a few extra notes I want to make/use.
I...really don't think I can succeed.
But I want to.