...Well. More than what I am.
I've not really been lying about much of anything, but I've been hiding the real truth by my wording such that the intent might as well have been a lie and it's not something I feel I can maintain any longer.
I'm more than depressed.
I'm not suicidal, thank god for that, but I AM as close as I can get without being suicidal.
I haven't job searched for god only knows how long. I say I have because of all the emails I get about jobs, but I don't follow through on them.
I haven't been taking showers regularly.
I haven't changed clothes in weeks, aside from changing in and out of work clothes, but even there I am not changing out of work clothes as often as I should.
I haven't been brushing my teeth regularly, yet alone, flossing.
I have been circulating between sleeping obscenely small and obscenely large amounts of time.
I have been sleeping at odd hours.
I haven't been eating or drinking properly by and large.
I have all-but stopped gaming. I do the badge of the day and I game for my girlfriend's sake, but otherwise I've stopped doing so altogether.
When it comes to mafia, I have shut down all non-vital functions as it were, including apparently things such as kindness and empathy since I find myself hostile when I shouldn't be.
I have stopped doing things that I cherish like updating my wiki and keeping things nice and updated.
I honestly just...am getting progressively bit by bit, worse and worse. I don't know what to do. And I'm scared. And I don't want to lose what I have left. I don't want to lose my girlfriend. I don't want to lose my life. I don't want to lose a bunch of things, but I just.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I need to. I feel like I should be the girl who knows what to do. I feel like I should be striding forth confidently and being in a position of power as it were. I feel like I should know exactly what I need to do, what should be said all the time. And yet. Instead of things getting better and better which they would if I were that person. They are getting worse and worse because I am the antithesis of it.
I'm just. Weak I guess. And I wish I had the strength to be strong, and to help others be strong. Helping others be strong is the area I feel I most shine at. When I am helping others be strong I feel like I am at my strongest. Because that's the role I feel I am best at, at helping others.
Yet right now. I feel like I'm not helping others be strong. I don't feel like I'm doing it and it's just. I wish I could but I feel like I'm not and I don't know how I can and that's even more painful because I feel like I should even though I can't.
I've been trying to not admit this. Mostly because I've felt like admitting it could make things worse. If people feel like they are burdening me, they might be tempted to distance themselves from me, something I absolutely don't want. If people feel like my hardships are in any way their doing they will try to make it not be their doing anymore--yet they would be mistaken to believe it was them causing the hardship.
If people distanced from me in any way as a result of reading this. Then that's the "worse" I was afraid of. Because honestly I'm in the kind of position where I just want to hug others and in turn be hugged by others. I also am slightly afraid of the opposite. Forcing oneself to get CLOSER to me in order to comfort me even if it would make oneself uncomfortable, that is also something I wanted to avoid.
Basically. I've been afraid that by saying this. It could change how people act in regards to me. That they might think they need to get further from me, or that they might think they need to force themselves to get closer in spite of it being grueling for them to do so. And that's what I wanted to avoid, why I've held off from saying it.
Because other people should be doing what is best for them at all times. Not what is best for me. These can overlap and when they do that's great but they should never need to sacrifice what's best for them for the sake of what's best for me, essentially, is why I didn't want to come forward with this.
I might be rambling at this point.
I truly am.
For not being stronger.
For not being more of a decent human being able to help those who suffer.
I wish I could be that person.
But right now I am just...this person in distress with no idea what she's supposed to do.