But I do know it's happening. A lot.
It's a dark place I'm heading towards, that much I can tell. There's a reason rage is considered part of the path towards becoming a Sith. It's not a pretty path. It leads to lots of bad things. But for some reason I'm feeling a lot of it lately and I can't really pinpoint why.
The best guess I have is a negative feedback self-destructive loop of feeling like I'm not being heard and then becoming frustrated and in my frustration expressing myself in a way which is hard to hear which makes me feel like I'm not being heard and then becoming frustrated and in my frustration...
...But even there I'm not sure.
I know there is a problem.
I'm just not feeling like myself.
I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know what the problem is.
I don't really know what issue I am experiencing.
Just that I am going through a time which very easily could be called a meltdown and I just don't want to...I don't want that to happen. Yet I'm not sure what I can really do.
I want to talk more.
I don't know how to.
All I can think about is going on to talk about what I was originally going to do today.
I was originally going to work a bit on the Whirlwind story, but ultimately decided not to. Rather, I was going to worldbuild, throwing around the idea of defining ki further, but decided that was a bad idea, to leave it ambiguous, and that instead I'd just do some research.
Which never materialized.
And then everything just fell apart, as far as my day is concerned.
I suppose I can mention that yesterday, we once more caught up on Tanya the Evil, through Episode 11. Today I had a thought though, and wondered: "Hypothetically, could Being X decide to bring another soul reincarnated like Tanya in, just on an opposing side?" Basically, I was wondering if that would be in-character: it would pit them against one another such that no matter which side won, Being X would, too. (Basically, Being X being a jerk, this would be something potentially within character.) But the counterargument for that would be that by having it be more than just Tanya, and with them in opposition, it might ruin the whole point of the experiment.
But back to yesterday. That being only four or so episodes, we needed a new anime to watch. Enter Drifters, which is a very, very, very good one as well.
I suppose that there was also more I was going to blog about, but I'll save it for tomorrow. (I've got a written down note to help me!) I'm not sure I can really...well, write properly right now. Writing's the one thing I'm good at, the one skill I hold pride in, and right now I'm just.
I'm just not sure I'm able to do it. And that's hurting me a lot but it's true.