Coming out. It's scary enough already. As a prelude to this, in an attempt to make tomorrow go smoother, I already took a big step which was a big risk. I sent an email to my boss explaining that while my paperwork doesn't have it on record, I'm autistic. But in of itself, that terrifies the hell out of me.
Even if there's no consequences to that. Tomorrow, I've got a daunting task ahead of me. I have to explain that, yes, I am in fact a girl even though I don't look like one. That I experience severe gender dysphoria and try to avoid the things which trigger it. I have to explain that the reason I haven't come out and told anyone this is because it absolutely needs to be kept under wraps. How thanks to my autism I am not an independent person yet (in spite of my efforts), how much I am dependent on my dad especially financially, and how bigoted he is.
I have to explain that to them all, while hoping that they can listen and understand me. And it's terrifying. When I came out online, it was hard as hell. Yet I knew that there was always something I could fall back on if it went badly. If people didn't believe me, what was the worst that could happen? If people discriminated, what would change given the amount of hate I had anyway? If I was driven out, there's always elsewhere on the internet I could go.
...But work is.
It's another thing altogether.
What little income I get is from there. If things go badly, that goes away. If I get fired, then I have to explain why to my family, and that's the better-case scenario for me losing my job (the worse being them telling my family why for me). And I'm not sure how to stress heavily enough that the information can't escape.
If things leak out from work, then my dad can catch a glimpse of something he's not meant to see. Not yet anyway. I just...don't really have much prep time for this. Well, I've had a long time prior. Thinking about it. But now that it's actually here I don't have any clue of where to begin, I don't know what to say, I don't know what will happen and I'm just scared of the change.
Change if it goes well is very good.
Change if it goes poorly is...not so good.
Yet it's a change it's impossible to put off any longer even if I wanted to. (And I don't want to.)
Doesn't make it any less terrifying.