But something which recently came up made me thoroughly resolve something. Basically, a while back, you may or may not recall how I said I was losing touch with ComicFury. Yet a subject which was discussed today has reinvigorated me.
It made me resolve: I may need time off from the site every once and a while. It happens. Stuff comes up. Sometimes I crack under pressure. I sometimes need to distance myself from things, even things I cherish and love. But I will never. Never. ever, for as long as I live. Permanently leave ComicFury. I will always come back.
Always. Not because of an addiction. Not even because of a sense of belonging, though that has slightly been rekindled as well. Simply because I feel like I have a vital place on there. The site can and has gone on without me. So it's not like my absence would be particularly devastating. All the same. While everyone brings something to the site. While everyone has a valuable, unique contribution to give, which makes their presence worth it.
I feel like, in spite of my insistence to the contrary, that perhaps, maybe, my presence does hold some level of importance beyond the normal, beyond the standard. That sounds dangerously close to arrogance, as it is essentially saying I hold more importance than many others. Which is one reason why I deny it publicly. I'll insist I am everyone's equal on there. And I actually believe that in a certain way. I really, truly do feel as if everyone is an equal on there, with nobody superior to another in any way shape or form, myself included. Everyone there is important. Everyone there is valuable, everyone there is a person worthy of attention and affection.
...Yet at the same time. I have to say. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who says certain things. Sometimes, I feel like I'm the only one who holds some beliefs. Sometimes, I feel like the ComicFury I dream about, that I preach about, that I say is there, is just that, a dream and something that isn't a reality.
...Yet I keep saying it anyway, and I want to stay on ComicFury and continue saying it regardless, and I'll tell you why: because it is a place worth fighting for. It is a place worth striving to be. The place I preach about being there is a place I think is worth it.
Simply put...by saying it exists. I am hoping to make it exist. It might give me some selfish benefit, as that place I talk about by its very nature, the definition I give it, would by necessity grant me some of its rewards. But it's not for that reason that I am going to always be on ComicFury.
It's because if I can make it a reality, then I'll have helped create essentially a haven. The community on ComicFury is great, stellar even. Yet it is always brittle. People come and people go. People, however, are far more likely to go, people are far more likely to distance themselves, if they don't feel welcome.
And I feel like I can make people feel welcome. I'm not the only one. And I'm not perfect. I can fail. I can probably even make people feel worse, and likely have, if for no other reason being: "Ranger is a great person. She showers so many people with love and affection. I see this everywhere I go...yet she hasn't given me any." I'm not a goddess. I'm not omnipotent, not omniscient, not omnipresent. Omnipresence in particular would be of extreme use, yet like anyone else, I am sadly, just another human. So I can't help everyone. I can't make everyone feel welcome.
But if I spread that welcome. If I continue to make people feel welcome, and maybe spread my idealistic philosophies to other people...that maybe, just maybe, it can become a much stronger bond, growing far beyond what it is now. I really do see ComicFury as a family. (Refer to my previous blog entry for how exactly important I see that word and how I choose to use it.) I really see ComicFury as my home. (I have blogged about that multiple times, too.)
And basically, I suppose what I'm saying here is that my dream is to have others share that same vision. I think that's a place which would be the best possible dream to turn into reality. I'm imperfect, so I don't really know quite how I'll be able to see this come true, or even if it's possible to come true.
But a girl can dream.