You'd...actually be surprised how many times my blog-dodge entries are not because a lack of content, so much as a lack of good content. In this case, a lack of positivity. I really wish I had good news, that I had something not so bleak to say, but my life isn't all roses and sunshine so I can't always pretend it is.
Right now is hard. I have two strong loves, but I'm just so terrified I'm going to lose them. And I don't know how to stop myself from losing them. I love my girlfriends. More than anything else in the world. And I am scared right now that the positive feelings, that the happiness, the joy, the giddiness, the life, could be taken from us permanently right now. And I feel powerless to stop that.
I mean the idea sounds silly enough. It's irrational to think that bad times will stay bad, that the tough will never stop being tough. Yet if there's a way past the present...I haven't found it and I am at a loss. Love is...complicated. It works in ways we can't really comprehend. And sometimes, it can be cruel, when we are facing situations like this. Because the only thing worse than being hurt by anything is knowing your girlfriends would be hurt that you are hurt.
I'm scared. I feel like there's so much. I don't know what to do. I'm sure both of them will end up misinterpreting this because I'm not being clear and I know I'm not being clear and even if they ask me directly I don't think I'll be able to answer directly to them any better than I am doing now. Because the words aren't there. But. I want them. I want them both. I love them both, I want both in my life. And I don't want to lose them, nor do I want to lose myself. I just want to be happy, and I want both of them to be happy, and right now I'm not sure how to make them happy, I guess I'd say is what I'm getting at.
And isn't that the most scary thing of all? Not knowing how to give them what they need. But that's exactly where I am right now. Everything I've learned about relationships, I've learned from them. Yet now, I feel like I'm the one who needs to be a master of relationships in order to figure out how to make things work. Maybe this is silly. Maybe my fears, my concerns, are for nothing. Maybe my hopes, my dreams, of love conquering all, can persevere.
I want that. I hope for that. I cannot put into words just how much I believe in that idea. But I'm also terrified at a deep level that in reality I may never have my love be enough. My love is real. There was and never will be any doubt about that. What I doubt is whether having real love is enough to see us through the hardship, because literally all I can think about is "all you need is love", and praying 'Please John Lennon be right'.
Day by day, my emotions get stronger: my love grows. Yet day by day my fear of losing my girlfriends grows stronger because I am more and more knowing how much they mean to me and seeing how much they each are going through and knowing how little I can do to offer my help. I never know if I'm doing enough. I never know what's too much of something or what's too little. I'm just...clueless on everything outside of the emotion itself. I love them. That's about all I really know and can say.
I miss writing about rainbows and sunshine.