I'm falling into bad habits again. I'm feeling tired. Exhausted. Low. Depressed. Not quite hopeless. But a little powerless. Mostly I just feel vulnerable today. Exposed. I feel like. I'm on display. And that I might not like what it is that I am seeing. But I don't know what to do to fix it.
I hate this.
I hate being so weak.
I hate being so unpleasant, so nasty, so distant, so far from others.
I hate how it's something I largely have only myself to blame for. How I push people away so casually, so easily, distancing myself from the closeness. How scared I am to let people in. I talk about my life plenty, to any who will listen. I love to tell stories, after all.
Like. That's something I'm passionate about. My own life is just another story. So I freely love to tell it. Not because it's about me. But because it's a story. And I love to tell stories. Yet I know to others it looks like I'm in love with talking about myself because that's mostly what I do.
Yet that's my way of telling a story. However, actually opening up after having told the story.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I often don't even know who I am.
It's a moment where I have trouble with opening up. I tell people the story. And the story is true. Yet when they try to give me their own. I. I back down. I back away. I. I don't respond. I don't engage. I can open up to others plenty well enough I suppose you could say...but I don't let them open up to me. And as a result. As a result of not letting them in closer. I am by proxy not opening up to them in spite of giving off the appearance of doing so.
And that's not an implication I particularly like. Yet I'm seeing it and thinking that's too painful to be anything except the truth. I brush aside opportunities--there are chances I have at doing things, many things. I give them up. There are chances for me to get to really closely know people. I give them up by brushing the people aside.
And this isn't something I want to keep doing.
I'm not quite sure how to fix it.
I'm a philosophical mess today. I'm basically. Questioning everything. And I've yet to come up with an adequate answer. I just don't know. I sometimes put on a front of passion. A strong presence. And sometimes it's genuine. Where I see things and am passionate about them, loving them, wanting to give more. But push comes to shove. I'm still a coward who backs out. Who fears commitment. And there's nothing underlying behind that strong front. When the passion isn't pushed in front of me. When I don't have the strong drive. But I pretend I do.
...I just. I make promises I can't keep.
Even though I really want to.
My mind wanders.
I intentionally avoid hard subjects.
I avoid conflict.
But I know I'm just putting it off temporarily.
And I'm not sure how to confront it.