The thing which I hate most about work.
Is not anything to do with work.
It's all me.
What happened to me today, is not at all an uncommon occurrence to happen--in fact, it's quite typical, and that's why it's so frustrating when it happens.
I will develop a thought which I want to ramble on when I get home from work.
I intend to ramble on it when I get home from work.
Once I actually get home.
I just...don't feel like writing it anymore.
I was passionate about this. I took measures to ensure I'd write it. I not only wrote down all the notes on what I was to ramble about (as to make sure I didn't forget), I wrote as much as I could in the space I had available and in the time constraints I had. (Okay so that was mostly during my lunch break and after my shift ended, as to avoid slacking on the job, butstill.)
I knew that if I didn't pre-write the blog, I would probably convince myself not to make it.
So I pre-wrote it.
It's a worse effect than I anticipated.
In spite of me having known at the time I wrote it that this could happen.
In spite of me having known at the time I wrote it that I really wanted to make it then and that I wouldn't have that passion when home.
I underestimated my "ugh" factor.
Because I just don't feel like it. In spite of knowing how I felt before.
This ramble was going to be hands-down the longest ramble of the year, making it most likely my longest blog entry of the year as well.
And I have the time for it.
I have all the time in the world.
I don't have anything better to do.
I'm not doing anything productive tonight.
So I really have no excuse, no distraction, nothing to keep me from doing it. There is nothing that should keep me from talking about this. I was even counting on that. That between the sheer boredom I'd have and the overabundance of time and lack of tasks to do (I did everything I needed to yesterday, leaving me with nothing to do today), would be enough where I'd just do it by default.
...Except I'm not.
The feeling's not there right now.
In spite of being there all day at work.
And you know the worst part of this?
It will be there again at work tomorrow.
And it will be gone when home from work tomorrow.
And every. single. day. This is what happens to me.
You know the number of ideas which I don't so much as mention on my blog, due to this? Quite a few. The lucky ones have writing to record the surface of their existence, even if the depths of them are known only to me. The really lucky ones actually get a mention. But mostly? Mostly they just...stay in my head, and disappear.
And that is the absolute worst thing, for most of these things.
Because many of them I instantly know are good, are insightful, are meaningful, and should be said.
But I don't say them.
And I have no reason not to say them.
I just don't.