The sadness is strong.
The despair is there.
The grief is there.
The regret is there.
The dread is there.
And the loss.
I'm free of a lot of things. Those...I probably never will be. Maybe the dread, as the losses are finalized. But the great sense of how much is just...gone...will never truly go away.
All I can really do is to focus on what I still have. Especially who I still have. I have a good mindset towards things overall.
I don't feel bitterness.
I don't feel anger.
I don't feel like lashing out.
I don't feel like fighting.
I don't feel like snarking.
I don't feel like sharing unfiltered thoughts or making snide commentary.
I don't feel like being passive aggressive.
I don't feel like being aggressive.
Those who remove me from spaces often include a sentiment of "I wish you well". At my worst, I can think things along the lines of "...but do you really?", but by and large...I want to take those well-wishes and live by them. Their well-wishes are reflected by my own. I truly wish all of them the best. I truly wish all of those I have hurt that they get the chance to heal and to live their best lives. I hope them well on their journeys, and I do wish them well.
And any who wish me well and mean it...I want to take their well-wishes and manifest them by living well.
Still, there will be strong sadness, and that's on top of the physical issues.
It was probably the pizza I had, but given that this kind of thing can affect the stomach, it's possible it's the mental/emotional as well. Or both, with the mental/emotional worsening. But, I'm having tummy troubles today. I felt like vomiting yesterday, and I have gurgley groans today.
Eating and drinking are a struggle, and I have to stay largely stationary in bed until they pass. Which, who knows if they will or not.
I'm hungry, but can't stomach food.
And there is the mental sadness, which has some voices say "I don't want to exist anymore".
I don't think I'm suicidal. I was back in December, but I have had six months to adjust my attitude and prepare and basically brace myself.
But, the sense of loss and sadness and depression is enough to have those flareups.
Still, despite the pain.
I know I will be okay.
But, it will take me time to readjust my life and be more balanced and driven in finding my path forward.
I know what I want to do.
I don't think I know quite how to do it yet.
And that's okay.
I will figure it out.
I will be okay, eventually.
There's sadness, but also the relief of the release.
I know my attitude of "I'm free" will help me get back on my feet fairly quickly. I know I'm not bad enough to have entered a safe mode. (Although I've been close.) I know my mindset might not be the healthiest possible--but I feel like, at least in the moment, it is the best possible, or at least the best possible for me in the moment.
So, as rough as today will be, and some of the times going forward, I know what I will be focusing on and nurturing.
Again, thank you all for being with me, for however much time you have been.
I don't think you need to worry about me, because I think I am going to be fine, but if you are inclined to, that means a lot. Thank you all for the wonderful vibes and the level of time you have invested in me.
I'll continue to be doing the things I am.
I'm going to be around, and continuing things like blogs, streams, etc. I am going to live my life.
But it will be significantly different to how it was.
The despair is there.
The grief is there.
The regret is there.
The dread is there.
And the loss.
I'm free of a lot of things. Those...I probably never will be. Maybe the dread, as the losses are finalized. But the great sense of how much is just...gone...will never truly go away.
All I can really do is to focus on what I still have. Especially who I still have. I have a good mindset towards things overall.
I don't feel bitterness.
I don't feel anger.
I don't feel like lashing out.
I don't feel like fighting.
I don't feel like snarking.
I don't feel like sharing unfiltered thoughts or making snide commentary.
I don't feel like being passive aggressive.
I don't feel like being aggressive.
Those who remove me from spaces often include a sentiment of "I wish you well". At my worst, I can think things along the lines of "...but do you really?", but by and large...I want to take those well-wishes and live by them. Their well-wishes are reflected by my own. I truly wish all of them the best. I truly wish all of those I have hurt that they get the chance to heal and to live their best lives. I hope them well on their journeys, and I do wish them well.
And any who wish me well and mean it...I want to take their well-wishes and manifest them by living well.
Still, there will be strong sadness, and that's on top of the physical issues.
It was probably the pizza I had, but given that this kind of thing can affect the stomach, it's possible it's the mental/emotional as well. Or both, with the mental/emotional worsening. But, I'm having tummy troubles today. I felt like vomiting yesterday, and I have gurgley groans today.
Eating and drinking are a struggle, and I have to stay largely stationary in bed until they pass. Which, who knows if they will or not.
I'm hungry, but can't stomach food.
And there is the mental sadness, which has some voices say "I don't want to exist anymore".
I don't think I'm suicidal. I was back in December, but I have had six months to adjust my attitude and prepare and basically brace myself.
But, the sense of loss and sadness and depression is enough to have those flareups.
Still, despite the pain.
I know I will be okay.
But, it will take me time to readjust my life and be more balanced and driven in finding my path forward.
I know what I want to do.
I don't think I know quite how to do it yet.
And that's okay.
I will figure it out.
I will be okay, eventually.
There's sadness, but also the relief of the release.
I know my attitude of "I'm free" will help me get back on my feet fairly quickly. I know I'm not bad enough to have entered a safe mode. (Although I've been close.) I know my mindset might not be the healthiest possible--but I feel like, at least in the moment, it is the best possible, or at least the best possible for me in the moment.
So, as rough as today will be, and some of the times going forward, I know what I will be focusing on and nurturing.
Again, thank you all for being with me, for however much time you have been.
I don't think you need to worry about me, because I think I am going to be fine, but if you are inclined to, that means a lot. Thank you all for the wonderful vibes and the level of time you have invested in me.
I'll continue to be doing the things I am.
I'm going to be around, and continuing things like blogs, streams, etc. I am going to live my life.
But it will be significantly different to how it was.
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