I mean. Almost all Disney films are so amazingly great it's hard not to. But I like most Disney films...yet even comparing this film to other Disney films, this one would rank among my favorites. It's just that. dang. good. Meg is an absolutely wonderful character. Hercules is himself a good hero. I enjoyed the softer take on Greek mythology (even though me being a mythology buff as a kid means that I am all too aware of its inaccuracies to the traditional myths), from the gods to the titans (which I thought were clever to make into the four elements).
And then there's Hades. Hades. My god, HA.DES. You've seen the memes about him on the internet. It's basically impossible not to have seen images of him at least once. I mean at this point he's a much older meme (he was an older meme ten years ago when the internet was only just beginning to become mainstream), butstill. You haven't seen Hades until you've actually seen Hades, because YEAH you have to hear him to believe it; it really must be seen to ever be believed.
...Though now comes the darker part of my entry. My girlfriends have been wondering if I've been okay today. Ironically enough, at the time they asked me the question I could unambiguously say yes, of course I was with a straight face and wholeheartedly know I was speaking the truth. It's just that progressively more and more as today has been going on, I've had a few heavier thoughts on my mind.
So I didn't lie to them and I wasn't even lying to myself--I was okay, legitimately, sincerely, genuinely okay...at the time. Yet the weight of those thoughts has increased to the point where if I answered now the answer wouldn't be so clear-cut. I don't feel like answering "no" to that question would be appropriate. Yet at the same time...what other answer can I give them? I definitely can't say "yes" right now because that would right now absolutely be a lie.
Basically. My parents are home now as I write this. And I knew they were coming home tonight. Yet. In spite of how much easier they make daily living. In spite of how much I need them to survive on every level, financially, physically, and whatnot. In spite of how they are a necessary part of my life right now.
...I honestly am wishing they weren't home. I don't want them to be here. Especially not my dad of course. But even my mom, who gives me mental and emotional support and is planning for my future. I just...wished they weren't here at home. I liked being mostly alone.
I mean. I didn't really feel alone. I do have two girlfriends, after all. And during this week I've been talking to both of them more than before, and we've had dates more than normal and we've just. We've been having a life together. And I like that. I liked the experience of being mostly by myself, except having the extra help of the people I know who well and truly love me. Me as I currently am, and me as I want to eventually be. Me, all of me, all my aspects, everything about me there is of me, my true selves.
My parents just...feel like they get in the way of that. And when they were gone it felt so liberating. Yeah there were things that them being gone made inconvenient. But there were also things that them being gone helped to enable, and these things weren't bad things.
Yet here they are. Home. And things just got even more complicated. My grandfather's not doing well. I don't remember if I blogged about my feelings here but I honestly don't know whether it'd be better for him to die or not right now. He's alive but in very very very serious likelihood going to become a living vegetable--the very thing neither he nor my dad wanted him to be. The surgery prevented a guaranteed decay but some of the aftercare has likely caused that very decay that was hoped to be prevented, just with a different trigger.
My parents want to take the family back down this Sunday, and said they could do so after I was done working. But I just...flat-out said "I'm not going". I don't know how long I'd be down there. But I can't go down. Aside from this being the whole scheduling thing. Aside from me having a life I can't put on hold just for a real-life emergency condition.
...There's also just the fact that I don't think I can survive that. At least one of my girlfriends self-describes themselves as being a bit possessive (I've given up on debating that but I still insist that's not actually a bad thing), but what they might not realize is just how much I need them. I need them in my life. I...don't think I could go that long without them. Not willingly. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe with extensive planning around a time which is something more universal. (For instance, I could probably survive being without them for a few days during Christmas.)
But right now. I can't be without them. I can't. I have enough things in my life keeping me busy which also contributed to me instantly blurting out that answer with resolve, but. Even if both of them told me to go. Even if both of them told me they could go a full week without me. I don't think I could go three days without either of them.
And I'm a little bit rattled up by the menacing response I got from my father. "I wonder what they do care about", immediately following "They must not care". Not caring would be an accusation shaking me up enough--especially as I wouldn't even be able to offer an answer and I wonder if it is true. But the disdainful tone at questioning what I would care about...
...That's something really, really scary. In a house filled with open-minded people full of love they might understand what I actually do in fact unambiguously 100% no questions ask care about wholeheartedly.
...I don't have that.
In a house where the breadbasket is about as bigoted as bigots can come, there's just...
...There's just nothing that I want to think about.
On the one hand.
If I can get my wish. (Which might come with continued arguments as I have to be more resolute in my refusal. And which might come with me being asked why I'm not going, a question I have no answer to and none I possibly can come up with a good answer for. What good argument could there possibly be without telling the truth to override, "This might be the last time to see your grandfather alive"? A half-truth of me not wanting to see him that way?)
Then I'll be on my own for however long they decide to stay down there again. If my sister goes, then also being truly alone in the house entirely--for however long she would be gone. (She'd be gone for a shorter period of time, similar to the first go-around with how my brother went down and came back but my parents stayed.)
That period might continue to be a bit difficult on me but I'd still manage, especially with two girlfriends micromanaging my life and my parents leaving me lists of anything I'd need to do. (And that experience might actually be useful to have, if they have the forethought to walk me through these things.)
On the other hand.
My adamant refusal.
Is going to make things tense, make things worse. I already know they talk about me behind my back and are discussing subjects which don't sound too pleasant anyway. But this is something which just seems to be asking to be inviting further conflict.
And I'm scared.
I want to live my own life.
I want to grow as a person. To become a more powerful woman in my own right.
I'm worried in some ways I'm regressing, yes. How easily my life falls apart and bad habits I've begun to fall into tend to emphasize this. (Lack of showers, not brushing my teeth often, not shaving as often as I should, not always eating, etc.) Yet in other ways, I know I am progressing.
I know that bit by bit. I am finding my footing, my grounding, my identity.
I know that I am actually making progress overall. It might be in a "two steps forward, one step back" way, but.
I'm still making that progress.
And I'm terrified that it's so frail. So fragile. So close to shattering. On a fine balance wire ready to snap at a moment's notice. All it'd take is my father becoming just a little bit too nosy, and it'd all come crashing down. I...don't know what to do. And I don't think there's anything anyone can actually do to help me, which I know hurts them. I know they want to help me. I know they want to do something. Yet I'm in a position where they might not be able to do anything and that's the worst part of all for me.
Feeling powerless, and knowing that those who would support me (such as my girlfriends) feel even more powerless than I do.