But with his presence...
...I feel like an outsider in my own house.
Among other triggers, my mother just moved my art stuff today, again, without my consent.
Yet I'm not sure this problem would go away even if he wasn't here.
Because I think it's a symptom of a bigger problem.
That feeling, of no longer being at home, of feeling like an outsider.
It has spread everywhere.
I don't feel as welcome playing mafia as I used to, and I am incredibly afraid of self-destructing. I'm walking a fine line.
But worse is ComicFury. There has always been my home away from home. Yet...I feel distanced, there. I feel like instead of me being the passionate, full of life girl that I should be, I'm simply...going through the motions of it. I will preach about all the lovely qualities of ComicFury. I will engage comic after comic, because I know how much my comments mean to them, especially on comics that are almost entirely devoid of commentary.
In other words, I believe in the ability of ComicFury to still bring those qualities to people, and I will fight to give others the chance to experience them. And through my efforts, I know I succeed. The life I see on the people I help, it's palatable. I can't see their faces, but I might as well be able to from their tone, from their vibrancy. They truly, fullheartedly, appreciate what I do. And seeing that does bring me some happiness.
But while I believe in those things for others...I can't say I'm seeing those things for myself. I'm not sure how my forum posting is. If it's up. If it's down. If it's just around the same. Where I'm posting more, where I'm posting less. So I can't judge there. What I can say is that I'm still going through it as a process. It's methodical: check this forum for content. Go through the content, one thread at a time. Finish. Move on to the next. Repeat, until all are finished. Read webcomics I'm subscribed to periodically throughout this process. Then log out.
It's not something I am investing in actively. It's more of a passive...automatic response, one thing blurring into another. That's dangerous. Very very dangerous. I can't stress how dangerous that is. I'm...detached. Distracted. In despair. I'm...in a place where everything is drifting away.
That's very bad.
Very very very bad.
I was trying to express it before a movie got distracted.
But this blog post is understating the problem.
I wish I could explain how large the problem really is.