Fold towels? Heck yeah I enjoy that. Do chems? I'm the de facto chem taker every time I'm a guard. Stock towels? Natural extension of having folded them. Clean our staff room? I'd honestly do that for free thanks to my OCD. That I'm expected to be paid when doing so is a bonus! Clean equipment? Same exact thing. Clean/sweep pool deck? I do this on my own out of boredom if nothing else; it keeps me occupied yet with a sense of productivity.
...Enter the men's locker room?
...I'm sorry, but no that's Not Okay for me and I'm not going to pretend it is. I don't care how unprofessional my evasion appears. (And I know my 'negligence' is exactly that.) I am a girl. Gender dysphoria is a real thing. Asking a girl to enter into a guy-exclusive area is asking her to be both uncomfortable and borderline unsafe. I suffer from worse and worse panic attacks each and every one of the few times I cannot manage to evade, and am left a trembling wreck afterwards.
I shut down. Blue screen of death. Because it's just that hard on me. Because it's just that unpleasant. Because it's just that extreme. Dysphoria doesn't just go away after I leave. It causes my performance as a lifeguard to suffer because almost inherent in dysphoria is an innate link to depression. If I'm cheery before the request, expect that vibrant glow in me to literally die the moment it is made.
...On a loosely-work-related note: prior to working, I did a walk, then a jog. The jog hit at pulse rate of over 170--which for someone of my age is apparently approximately between 85-90% of what they should be doing. This at four miles an hour. (I suppose that does at least mean it was not in fact a linear increase from 2 mph walking.) Nooooot exactly the healthiest.
...And I have to admit I've been put to shame.
Today I saw my younger sister (twice!) before going inside, while I was doing my outside-walk. She was running around Lake Tye the opposite direction of me. I mean. I knew her job and a few prior jobs were physically strenuous, so she had at least some physical fitness from that. But I didn't know that she was actually actively staying in shape on her own time.
I mean. Today's Fathers' Day, so surely it was a one-time thing, right? Well, the time and especially location, sure. If she ran around the lake every Sunday morning, I'd know about it given I walk around the lake and I would even if not seeing her spot her car.
But I know that this isn't a one-off thing, and that she does the activity on a reasonably-frequent basis. How? Well for a start...she was wearing dedicated running gear. Running with her phone and earbuds, having her fitbit, sports clothing, even having her hair in the style I remember most girls with her hair length wearing their hair like when they were doing running. (So, a runner's hairstyle.)
...Also. She, uh. Was going fast. As in. She was running at least 6 miles per hour if not 7 or even 8, fast. And she was doing so effortlessly. I mean. She WAS breaking a sweat, and I could hear heavier-than-normal breathing. But while it was a proper workout, it was still obviously casual and not strenuous.
...Yet still fast. And I know it was her. Because I saw her face not once but twice (the first time I almost did a double-take and was like, "waitwhat?"), and she also saw me and acknowledged me. If that wasn't enough, after the first sighting of her, I spotted her car so no chance of a lookalike that for some reason would acknowledge me. It was her.
...I was under the impression the last physical activity she did was her time contemporary to mine, that being, track/cross-country/swimming which by now was five years ago. I mean. I've tried (and failed) to be physically active beyond work/Tae Kwon Do. But I've at least done a fair amount, so I thought that only my brother was surpassing me since he's the only one in our family to have clearly unambiguously succeeded. (You can just look at him and know he works out; not so much for any of the rest of us.)
Apparently not though, because my younger sister is obviously just from a quick glance at her, in better physical condition than I am, at least in terms of running. WELP.
I'm the underachiever of the family, it would seem. My older sister might be in worse shape than I am, and she makes a comparable sum of income to me (whereas my brother makes a bundleload and my younger sister is slowly working her way to a steady, higher income even if she's not quite there yet), however, she by FAR exceeds me in basically all other aspects.
She progresses in about every way possible in fencing, whereas I've stagnated if not regressed in Tae Kwon Do. She has a real-life social circle (more than one in fact!); I don't. And she actually is productive and makes stuff; I'm not really writing OR drawing.
It's not that I'm wasting my life. The things I do do matter. But I'm the only sibling whose success isn't tangible. My brother's success is obvious both in his physique and his standing in society. (He's actually not struggling financially for a start.) My younger sister's only getting started yet she's still had the most social life of any of us and is slowly working her way to being on better ground. My older sister might not be well-off financially but she still is largely self-sufficient and has a very broad, encompassing life with contacts and connections so she never has real problems aside from money.
...Don't have anything like that.
Now, admittedly. I still have successes. I know that, I don't need to be told that. For starters, I actually have a significant other. I mean. That's not something exactly unique to me. My younger sister has dated several people. (My mom suspects she may have or have had a girlfriend even and that she's bi--I'm not so sure about labeling her as bi, but I certainly wouldn't be surprised if at the very least she's not straight.)
However, from my limited understanding (I don't know the details), there's a reason it's "several", in that nothing has really lasted. (That I am aware of--there could be but I don't know for sure.) It's also possible my brother has someone but if so he's secretive about it and refuses to let us know about it. I'm pretty sure my older sister doesn't have anyone since I imagine she would tell us, though it's possible given she's described at least one good friend she is close to. (I don't think so though.)
That, not even going into how I genuinely feel like I'm making a positive difference in people's lives. I love people. I love my significant other even more than that and they give me the strength to keep loving people and giving more than I was before.
The achievements of my siblings might be tangible, and something unique to them, something which can be classified as something that they have done which has been good for them. But while mine are intangible, what makes them so special is that they aren't directly related to me.
My achievements all have to do with me giving to others. My achievements are me having done something which is good for another, even if not myself. And on that note...perhaps my greatest achievement of all is actually in how I have sacrificed chances at achievement.
I've passed up on many paths which would personally be more rewarding on a selfish and even an objective basis. And yet, I've given up on those, all for the sake of my love. (And I mean that in both senses. I have given up a lot for everyone I care for. And I would give up literally everything for the sake of the one I love, my significant other.)
I want to believe that, in of itself, is an achievement. That my ability to NOT succeed is something special, because my lack of success is driven by altruism, by genuinely doing what I feel is right no matter the personal cost. I want that to be something which isn't easy because I want it to be something that I can claim, even though I know it really shouldn't be, because who'd even want to claim it?
...That being said. It's not like I'm permanently locked into a status of being an underperformer. (I mean I probably will be my entire life if I'm honest because to some extent I think I actually like it. It sounds bad to say, but. There is a certain beauty in there always being more, there always being someone better, there always being someone I need.)
It is thoughts like this I tend to cling to, since the alternative is thinking myself just a failure--I can't do that. Recognizing a lack of success can be helpful, but I just. Don't see this as one of those times. I CAN'T fail. Not because it's impossible. Because if I ever admitted I had, then all that'd be left is a broken, hollow, empty shell. So I hope it's not arrogance to think I'm doing good. I hope it's true. Because without that, without the sense of my life having meaning in giving others happiness...I'd be...literally nothing. And I don't want to ever be that pathetic. Ever.
Anyway. I realize this is a bit of a heavy philosophical ramble (apologies!), but it is what it is.
Tonight will be a family night. Expected watch: Sherlock. Dinner? Harder for me to predict. Could be at home, could be at Denny's. Regardless, I imagine I'm in for some interesting banter with my sister, but we'll have to see. I'm out of time to write this, meaning that's all for now, folks.