To be honest, my head is spinning with ideas, but none of them are coherent. I can't put them down in a solid presentation, in a format, in an actual order. I can't tell a story, or even just matter-of-factly go through them. They're just spinning in my head, and by the time I reach out to list one, by the time I try to think about it in words, in thoughts rather than concepts, it's gone.
Have I talked about that before on here? If so, probably not recently. Wouldn't surprise me if it's somewhere in the archives, but oh well. Most of my blog readers aren't the type to have read the majority of my archive. (After all, I've been going for over two years, and while I occasionally forget sometimes to make an article, most of the time I make one a day at minimum, sometimes up to three or even four, so I'm definitely over an average of one a day.)
It's a pretty intimidating, daunting task, after all. So it's understandable most haven't. I flat out tell you, right here and now: I haven't. Not so much as once. Not even once, have I gone start to finish, and read every single word I've said. I haven't even managed a skim, yet alone a full read. I talk a lot.
I mean. Sure, yeah. I make a lot of empty posts. I make empty blogs all the time. I can write a small wall apologizing for a lack of content, or post a single one-liner saying, "Sorry, I really don't feel like blogging today. :/" or something to that basic effect.
But most of the time, I have big, long, huge walls of text where I go into explicit detail about the latest thing to have caught my fancy. Things like story ideas. Game ideas. Or just me telling a story of something that happened in real life. Maybe a dream or two. Anything, really. But always, lengthy and extensive, something which is extremely hard to parse in any dosage.
Especially for people who have energy troubles like me. (Which, mind you, is the majority of my readers. Most of my friends, in some form or another, have to deal with some form of exhaustion in their lives which tires them out, meaning they simply don't have the energy to dive in--I know this and understand it because I have the same exact problem, what with my bipolar disorder and all.)
Anyway, where was I? Oh. Yeah, well I have some other thoughts I might get back to later in this post (because I thought of them and want to talk about them), but what I was talking about before this tangent was about thoughts and concepts.
Basically, my brain doesn't think in words. My first language isn't English. It's concepts. It's pictures. It's images. It's ideas. My brain thinks of something abstract, all the time. Every single thought I ever have, exists in that abstract where I have the pure, perfect form of something, something not tangible. And then, I have to force my brain to convert this info into something understandable.
I think of these things. Almost like a dream, except all the time. And then my brain struggles to translate these into actual things. I might think of something like having an idea of what God is, and then when I try to find the words for it, find myself unable to communicate them properly because while I know what God is in my head, I simply can't find a way to capture God in the real world in any form. Not an image, not in words, it just exists.
That's one example. Others exist too. Love. Stories. Images I want to create art out of. Fanart ideas. Fancomic ideas. Speculation in my head about stories, of various media--anime, manga, webcomics, the rare book, television show. Even if I know some spoilers but don't know how they arrive at said spoilers, I'll speculate and try to figure out what they happen to be, how they got there. When I see a situation, I'll think of how they resolve it.
And in my mind, I come up with these perfect things, which I can never produce properly. (For instance, there's several webcomics where I have speculation, ideas in my head, about what is going to happen, but while those concepts exist in my head, I can't convey them, which is a shame--I know AT LEAST one webcomic artist would absolutely love for that speculation to happen and is in fact sad that it hasn't happened from a fan yet. But, well...it HAS. From me. Yet I simply can't figure out how to turn the idea I saw in my head into words, conveying to them my theory because my theory exists in a realm of thought beyond language capacity.)
I suppose this might be what you'd consider "mind's eye" viewing of things. My head has a perfect vision. My head sees everything clearly. And then when I try to put these revolutionary, groundbreaking ideas, these wondrously creative things which are magnificent, which bridge gaps and explain everything so perfectly, when I try to give them form, it falls apart before even entering the real world.
A part of my brain, a deep part, perhaps even subconscious, understands these things. And then, my active, conscious part of my brain screws them up in trying to translate them, so that when I write, when I speak, when I draw them, the vision I originally had is gone, and in its place is a distorted picture that I can't make sense of heads or tails.
It's kinda frustrating. To have this brilliant mind, yet to have the vast majority of it be left untapped. Yes, I can say that with confidence. I hold no degree of arrogance in saying that I have a brilliant mind. I know it to be true. I know that within my mind is a genius which has some sort of magical insight into the world which should be revolutionary, which should be groundbreaking.
I can say this, and know it to be true...yet only because there are strings attached. Only because all that potential? Goes down the drain. Gets wasted. Because the concepts get lost in transition. I'm not sure if it's because conveying the perfect concept is impossible, or if it's simply because my brain is, in a sense, "missing" the proper "hardware" to give a "translation".
Regardless of which, the fact remains that thanks to my inability to get these smart, these brilliant, these great things effectively forward...what you're left with is a mind which is no better than your run-of-the-mill human. Maybe better in some ways, but definitely worse in many others.
Sure, I show some brief glimpses of this at times. I have wisdom I freely dispense. Many people have praised me for my particular insights, my unique view on certain problems and issues. So I still see things unusually, and in some ways, those views are seen as good, as insightful, as profound.
But they represent a mere fraction of what I do in my mind, because the concepts fail to materialize nine times out of ten. I'm not a genius. I'm not brilliant, in practice. I'm not exactly stupid. I'm not exactly a moron. I'm still sorta smart. But my smart is nothing truly special. Anyone can give the same as what I do, given the right circumstances.
And that's the part which is frustrating me, because I know that I am capable of so much more than that in theory--I know that I am capable of being "more than normal". People who read this will probably tell me, insisting, that I already am. But they don't know just how much of me I'm not able to show, not able to convey, and how beautiful it is in my mind and how anguishing it is that I can't actually show others this, how I can only tell of it, and give a glimpse.
You know how they say humans use only 10% of their brain? Yeah, well we know that's just a myth. It's been scientifically proven false in so many ridiculously numerous ways. All the same, in spite of that. How can I properly convey this...well. It feels like that at least in the case of my brain, what's being used is only a small fraction of what is theoretically possible.
I mean. Like. They say that basically the whole brain is active all the time. Yet. I dunno. Maybe it's like...it's an efficiency thing? Say that there are two aspects of brain activity: the amount of space being used, and the amount of intensity in the space. Science shows that the space being used is always basically 100%, but it feels like the amount of intensity in the space is only a small fraction of that.
...Hmm, how to better explain that.
Let's say you have a computer, which has ten memory chips. Each memory chip is 10G in size.
...Well, the computer might use every memory chip. Yet on each memory chip, it might be only using 3G of that 10G.
I know brain scans can show that certain areas in the brain are more active than others. You could call that the "intensity". Sort of like, where the electrical signals currently are strongest: in use everywhere, but with certain areas as hot spots that are actively being called upon in the moment.
But...think of it as being more than that. Of our science not being able to fully map and understand the nature of the human brain. Say that the brain, even inactive, even at its points of seemingly the lowest possible activity, is still compressed with all this endless amount of information, stored tightly. Well, then it feels like it is able to expand that greatly, of creating a great expanse of information.
Like, there is all of that stuff, and it is locked away. It is behind a door. We can reach our arms through the door, and pick up small bits and pieces of what we were aiming for. But the whole remains locked behind that door. It feels like the brain has one of the strongest computers in existence, because it has these super-efficient, super-strong connections, it has these abilities to process information in such capable ways that it's almost magical...
...And yet, this is largely an autonomous process, working behind the scenes. When we try to deliberately tap into it, when we try to access this network, the connections are suddenly...not working in the way they naturally by default do. They are being put into a position where the majority of their work is still going on in this process which works automatically, and the small part which is manual can't access the parts it can't control.
In short. My brain works faster than I can process. It will run a flurry of ideas in microseconds, faster than a computer can process, and yet when I try to comprehend what it just said, I see only snapshots of it. It's like...the difference between a camera (or video I suppose) and the real thing: the camera can capture many snapshots, even per second. Heck, high-speed video is just video which takes MANY more 'frames' per second than a standard video.
Yet those are just small snapshots of the whole. The active mind captures those snapshots, and then it must try to fill in the blanks. And in that process, of filling in the blanks...the original picture ends up distorted. I just feel like so much of my potential is wasted off of something I can't control, off of something I can't change. I know I have a beautiful mind. A wondrously unique mind, which has these unusual perspectives on so many things.
Yet, instead of being able to make these things work practically, I feel stuck unable to make sense of them, just...sorta flailing about, trying to make some semblance of an idea whenever I go to work on something. I'm glad that I think in concepts. I'm happy that I am capable of seeing things with such clarity, with that beautiful picture of whole things in my mind.
I'm not so glad that I can't translate those things. Because I just...feel so...limited, restricted. Trapped, in a sense. Like my whole mind is screaming to come out, and only a small fraction of it actually does. Only a small piece of me gets expressed, and I want it all to be out there. I hope that makes sense.