So let me just say that I've gotten a lot done.

But I just wanted to put this message out there as well.

I am always down for reconnecting with any friend I have ever known.

And I do mean any friend I have ever known.

My DMs remain open to all, on all platforms.
And that's true of people who didn't know me well, too, but feel they need/want to talk to me, particularly about things going down, things which went down, things they fear going down, etc.

I have basically never blocked anyone on any platform and if I did then whatever made me block you was probably stupidity on MY part and I guarantee I didn't across all platforms so just contact me on a different platform.

I just want to put out the energy that I am always around to listen, to talk, to share.

And meanwhile, I will continue to spread my joy and positivity.

My 2025 resolution is to continue spreading joy and positivity while pursuing my dreams.

I'm already off to a great start, working on my novel.

And my daily affirmations as well as any short videos I make (particularly on TikTok) tend to give that joy and positivity too. I will give that Breeacon of light to all who will listen.

Because that's who I am.

I am here to give you a light when you otherwise can't see any.

I will never judge harshly. (I can't help but have opinions but I will never let those opinions stop me from showing love, kindness, caring, compassion, and empathy towards all, and will certainly hear out anyone.)

I will give you time, energy, and support. Because you deserve it.

And while I may not be able to do much, I know what I can do, and I will gladly do that for the rest of my life.

So stay strong. Be seen. Be heard. And much love. <3

Granted, quite poorly.

But this is a preview into the tragedy of Zeboel. Zeboel is a background character, and until I wrote this song I didn't really know their story other than that they're some form of nonbinary preferring They/Them or It pronouns. As one of the relatively younger Abundant Argon though, I knew Zeboel had to have once been a mortal, and would thus have a story behind how they became one of the 18 Demon God-Lords on farn.

I realized they caused the downfall of the last true claimant of the Toplan (read; Atlantean) empire, the Federation of Ramoan (read; Roman) Children, loosely speaking the farn equivalent of the early Franks in the Charlemagnesque era of the Holy Roman Empire, but with a modern flair where they were basically the modern United States of America ruled by capitalism, where short-term greed led to short-term gains but left a class divide where the rich were focused on getting richer and the poor were left suffering, left to die, and frustrated. It got to the point where all they needed was someone to follow.

Zeboel became that symbol by being representative of the issue. Part of the profession the backbone of farn runs on being profitized (an adventurer), and being a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic person, a pacifist at that, who wanted nothing to do with violence yet wanted to help the people. When pushed to despair, desperation, and broken, Zeboel was left feeling there was no other options anymore, there was no other way, and embraced their charismatic side to become that symbol of revolution.

This song is the "point of no return" for Zeboel on that path, at the end of the two-thirds mark of the Musical, with the final third demonstrating the bloody revolution would topple the world order but then cause the wave of hate to turn on each other and destroy themselves because without a common foe to unite against and without a way for their hate to go away, they instead directed it towards each other leading to the death of basically everyone.

Zeboel had the chance to rule the rubble, similar to how Mastemo became a King, but Zeboel, thoroughly broken, just...had no desire to. They were left an empty shell, they were left with no purpose, so they just...left. Before the destruction had even actually finished, really. And that lack of a leader to fill the gap caused the farn equivalent of The Dark Ages.

Last year, I made a resolution to spread joy and positivity. It was enhanced by a witchy burn ritual.

I succeeded.

Pretty brilliantly, at that.

I don't like to brag, to show ego, to be arrogant. But at the same time, I know objectively, by every possible metric, I succeeded. I did it. Really really well, at that. The number of people who have told me I did gives an overwhelming amount of evidence that, yes, despite any self-doubt, despite any of my imposter syndrome, despite any of my thoughts downplaying my value...what I did, was exactly that. I spread joy and positivity.

So...what now?

Well that's where we get to my new resolution:
The same, but more!

Not magically enhanced this year, sadly, but my resolution:
Continue spreading joy and positivity, as I did in 2024, but then on top of that, pursue my dreams.

I want to be more specific on "pursue my dreams", but at the same time, 'spread joy and positivity' was itself a bit vague and in this case, what my dreams are may change. Currently my greatest pull is towards my novel, but will that hold steady all of next year? Who knows??? But pursuing dreams can and should.

So let's make it happen.

I know I can do it.

I just have to do it.

Let's live life together.

​Much love. <3

And when talks of energy in our apartment came up, we discovered we quite literally had a monster living under our bed. Or rather, an energy entity that was draining our energy and giving us many negative thoughts. It had come in around September, apparently, and that tracks. That's about when things became more stressful, about the time it became harder to rest/relax, about the time anxieties flared up, about the time thoughts of the past became much worse, about the time my shower thoughts got flooded with negative emotions, etc.

Just a whole bunch of things got worse around then, and now we know why. And with our place cleansed? We're feeling so much better. 

It also gives me an idea of what I maybe need to guard against at my workplace. When I am lifeguarding especially, I am often flooded with thoughts of the past and a lot of negative emotions. It's weirdly only during those times, and largely not around when I'm not lifeguarding, and I feel like there's probably a similar energy/presence hanging around that area which I need to basically tell, "Hey. No. Don't do that."

I'm not really the person with the authority to kick it our or empowered to do so, but what I can do is at least tell it, it doesn't have permission to feed off of me. To go away, that it has nothing to offer me, that I will not accept it, to reject it, etc. I know my building has a lot of harmless ghosts, but there is definitely at least one presence which isn't harmless there, and probably is the reason why my shoulders are in so much agony while lifeguarding and I get bombarded by so many negative thoughts.

Awareness helps create defense and immunity. I had built up pretty good defenses, but while working, those defense mechanisms weren't working, and I feel like I have a good idea why now. With an ability to return to sender and filter out the bad now empowered by recognizing amplification of negative, I can just say, "No. Stop." and hopefully start to improve.

So, hopefully, my strength will continue to get stronger. I already know I am a Breeacon of light. On a spiritual level, quite literally. The amount of light I radiate is immense. (Side-note but a package which should help kels and I a lot just arrived apparently, I'll talk about that in a bit if I remember.) I shine a bright light into the world, and I plan to continue doing so.

For as long as I am alive and okay, I plan to spread joy and positivity.

And...while it might not be useful for everyone, while some find it annoying, or might think them fake, or just out of place, or not bother reading, or so on and so forth? That's okay. That's natural. Not everyone will like everything. What matters is the people it does help. And the people it does help are...quite a lot. I plan to continue to help them, in any way I can, no matter how small. And my skill is in that joy and positivity. It matters, it helps, no matter how small, so I will continue to do it going forward.

And while I don't like that I require the support of friends right now to stay afloat...those friends are making the choice to help support their friend because we need it. And I will continue to try and make it worth it, to continue to improve our situation and give what I can and get to a place where I can reciprocate.

I'm doing pretty good on writing, on the daily check-ins, on the content creation. And on life stuff, we're managing pretty well overall!

So like...just gotta keep going.

I'm optimistic.

Yes, I know. The government as well as their billionaire corporate capitalistic backers and religious extremists want us dead and are empowered next year.

I'm optimistic in our ability to leave them without the power over us they have traditionally held.

To start supporting each other. To cut out the middle-man of corporations and begin directly supporting each other. Local people, as well as friends. Artists, producers of goods, etc. I believe in our ability to build what amounts to a coven, a community. To integrate and network across the world, but to also have spaces together locally.

There's a joke about "not a cult" about similarly-minded individuals, but loosely, the main differences are not having a charismatic leader, not having or even tolerating any form of manipulation, not trying to isolate people, not having any religious doctrine, not having to give up all possessions, etc. Living together and independently of the government without any NEED for many of the things we need individually, with a community pooling resources and dividing labor, but also not having things be unpaid. Loosely speaking.

It's a complex thing and nuanced idea which none of us really have the details of but basically all spiritually-inclined people are wanting and many of our friends despite not being spiritually inclined are on-board with because we are all tired, we are all frustrated, we are all struggling, and we don't want to spend the rest of our lives this way and don't want to rely on the government for fixing these things. And since the government won't help us and corporations won't either...we have to help ourselves.

Now, granted. I will still do my part to make the government be as good as it can be and corporations be held as accountable as they can be--and use all of the resources they offer. But at the same time, as the elite wealthy and the hateful people who think some humans are better than others and some humans aren't even human try to strip those resources, gut them, and try to remove our ability to exist...

...We aren't going to just die.

There's more love in this world than hate.
There's more care in this world than apathy.
There's more support in this world than greed.

And collectively, they are going to allow us to band together, survive, and after widescale socioeconomic changes take place, to thrive.

I know I don't know enough about any of these things to speak about them intelligently, and to yet act on them intelligently.

But I will learn.

We all will.

As the younger generation continues to get more and more frustrated with the struggles of life inflicted on us all, they will get more and more defiant. And creative. And network with likeminded people, who just want to survive.

And as the younger generation gets older, and learns, and begins to gain skills and resources no matter how limited in scope...they are going to not tolerate the oppression and close-mindedness of those who are in power and hold the wealth and want to maintain the status quo.

I believe the future will be brighter. I believe we are headed towards a form of mass-enlightenment. Where people become more open-minded, where people become more empathetic, more attuned, more in-touch with themselves and each other, and communication is emphasized, and connection is encouraged, and people are able to find each other and support each other with greater ease.

It will take time to manifest. And there will be resistance from those who don't want things to change, or want things to change towards how they used to be. But, I believe in our ability to recognize what they are doing. While there's traps, there's pitfalls, to fall into, there's pipelines which can lead to extremism, as a society we are becoming more aware of the tricks being used.

We don't want that fearmongering, that hatemongering, that rage, that fear, that depression, to define our lives.

So we're going to work to make their opposites stronger. That love, trust, and joy, will be so much stronger. Life will always have challenges, but I truly believe the future we are headed towards will be a better one. As much as I feel we're living in the worst timeline, I feel every timeline is headed towards that better future. We have the hardest to actively live in, we have the most challenges and struggles to overcome, we have the most difficulties to tackle.

But despite how we are in the hardest difficulty of life, the hardcore mode of hard modes, I still believe we are heading towards this better world. A world where we're able to exist as we are, be accepted as we are, explore who we are, and just all-around live life as we want to and are meant to overall.

So stay strong. Stay positive. We have a lot of work to do. And it won't be easy. But we have a lot to look forward to, and I am confident that if we keep our joy, keep our positivity, keep our empathy, our love, keep connecting, keep networking, keep learning, and keep putting action in...we'll still get to the future we want.

​Much love. <3

It started with a tarot reading on Wednesday which basically asked me what I wanted to really be spending my time on.

And as it turns out...while I do want to talk about what went on last year, the bleedthrough into this year, and to heal and express my thoughts there as they happen...

...I don't want to do that at the expense of me doing other things.

And that's also why I probably won't be blogging every day going forward; it's not the thing I am most prioritizing.

I made a list of what I really want to do, and that list?
-daily check-ins, the check-ins I've been posting to BlueSky. (I want to also upload them to Instagram but it's slow-going there.)

-1 irl life task completed, or at least 5 minutes on it

-1 sentence written in my novel
-1 sentence reviewed in my novel (Chapter One at the discord convo)
-1 thing transcribed in my novel notes

-1 moment with my wife, Kelsey Marie Lewis
-1 moment with friends

-BONUS: posting a blog.

Daily check-ins are important to me, both because they are what I use to let people know I am alive and okay, but also, because I know I am good at giving people little reminders and reassurances. Small things we all know, but which we can use those small boosts. It might not be much, but I want to try and shine a light for people every day. I can't make any tangible difference in the lives of my loved ones, yet alone strangers, due to how I'm not even really scraping by, but this is something I can do for free, and which I have come to recognize is a skill. I can help people, even if just words, and while it may not be much, it's still something.

Life tasks are important because I need to be pursuing altering my life in ways that are productive to kels and I having the dream lives we want. Even if it's just doing laundry, dishes, or something, even if it's just doing a work task, whatever thing it is, I want to spend at least five minutes a day on improving or at least maintaining my life as it is.

I want to aggressively pursue publishing my novel, as I have a goal of finishing before 2026. I think that if I really push as strongly as I am with the momentum I have, I can do it. I want to keep writing, I want to check the area which needs to be checked and fixed so things flow smoothly despite being written years apart, and I want to organize my notes to be something I can more easily reference and use (since I don't have all the names and info memorized).

My note transcribing largely hasn't been going through my discord notes, which are the vast majority of my notes tbh, but hey, when I get all my notes where I want them to be (and I'm getting much much closer to exactly that!!), I can begin to accurately transcribe those notes and get everything as it should be and start making new info filling in the gaps.

I've gotten a huge amount done in both my note transcribing and in my novelwriting. I technically finished the first chapter of my novel on a technicality and today I wrote nearly the entire first page of Chapter Two!

And with a higher focus on my friends and my wife, I can prioritize what is most important to me, too.

I still want to blog, ideally daily! But it's a secondary priority, compared to my main focus.

And that can lead me into weekly goals.

Bonus weekly, but not daily, goals:
-1 stream on twitch per week
-1 shortform content per week (YouTube, TikTok, Instagram)
-1 thing I haven't explored recently, do at least 5 minutes of trying it out or something related to it

Things I haven't explored can be a great many things. Life stuff. Stream improvements. Discord edits. Networking. Sites to be on. Social media. Art. Music. Transcribing other things.

I don't want them to be at the detriment of the daily ones, but I do want to pursue them regularly as I can.

I have a really good start. It's just about keeping the momentum going.

I have a goal, that when I get sufficiently far in my novel, to begin to post it across the internet. Build a buffer so that I can write as fast as I'm releasing. Get hype going and get people reading, interested, and invested.

And I think I can get it done pretty well.

I just need to put in the work for it.

Thus the hard-pivot.

​Wish me luck. <3

I'm too tired and exhausted again. I don't know why, honestly. I should be getting enough food, and I didn't do much, but I feel extra drained again for some reason. I dunno. It might just be stress about all of the things I'm thinking of.

The main three being,
How to clean the apartment in three days;
Finances;
What happened last year and the bleedthrough into this year.

For the first, I dunno yet.
The second, "it's okay to need help" is essentially the mindset; I need to accept that I need to accept the help friends and family and loved ones have given.

And for the third...

"What was lost was not worth keeping", essentially.

I have been struggling with hypotheticals and thoughts of going public again. But my wife helped remind me, again, why we made the choice not to. We've got more important things to focus on. We've got a life to build. And most importantly of all...the people who are most important to us are the people who stay in our lives.

There are plenty of loved ones who value us. Who see us as us, and value us as friends. These people either heard us out, or just don't care what we did in the past. But in either case, they value the us we are now, the us we are as friends, they value the friendship, over anything we would have done in the past. (Most of which we're innocent of, mind you. Not all, of course! But most. To actually know we'd need to know exactly what we were accused of and then we'd be able to say, "oh yeah we're guilty of that" vs. "oh that's total bogus", but since nobody will share we largely just have to go off what we know and what we know is that we're humans who didn't do perfectly but also we're victims of a misinformation campaign, so. We know exactly what we did and didn't do and if ever asked would be able to say one way or the other for any given thing. It's just that nobody cares to--those who are our friends don't care to ask because they don't care and value us; those who cut us out don't care to ask because they don't care to hear our perspective, so nobody regardless of stance cares. So let the rumor mill go, it doesn't matter. It won't keep us from living our lives. But I digress.)

I still want to make a blog to air out some thoughts.

But also, I don't want to hyperfocus on it, for every blog to be about the past, what happened there. I can't rightly claim I'm moving on and focusing on the present and future if most of my blogs are focused on the past, now, can I? Yet at the same time, I also want my blog to be a means to share whatever is on my mind, and to be honest about it, and to be able to put it out there so I effectively delete it from my brain. To share in a form that is able to allow me to heal, and to explain my perspective.

After all, my perspective is one of ludicrous complexity.
I'll share what happened publicly, but not namedrop.
In private, I won't namedrop unless specifically prompted to confirm who I am talking about. (Basically, if people know who I'm talking about, I'll confirm, "yeah, that's who I'm talking about", but if they don't, I'm not going to namedrop.)
I don't want to spread my view that the problematic streamer is problematic to others, yet at the same time I believe the problematic streamer is problematic.
I believe the problematic streamer is problematic, but I also believe the problematic streamer despite being problematic is a good human.
I don't want the problematic streamer canceled, but I do want the problematic streamer held accountable, with my idea of accountability not including cancellation.
I don't want to go public (outside of mental spiral days like today at least), but I don't want problematic behavior to never come to light at all and lead to others having needlessly suffered.
I don't want to defend myself, but I also don't want lies about me to be treated like truth.
I don't want to lose people I care about, but I also don't want to put in the work to tell everyone my perspective (and by not sharing, some who I care about will be lost).
I don't want to lose people I care about, but at the same time I want the people in my life to genuinely care about me and see me as the me I am.

It's a lot of seeming contradictions, yet...things are complicated, and nuanced, and multi-faceted.
I don't want to say going public/whistleblowing would have been good/bad/etc. I think more good than harm would have come from it, but at the same time it wouldn't be something that is guaranteed to have been the best path forward.

And you know?

I actually like the path forward I am walking, overall.

I'm loved.
I have loved ones.
I have a lot of love to give others.
I'm creative.
I'm pursuing my creativity.

There's losses along the way. There's sacrifices to be made. There's choices to be made. There's things I have to accept:
By not fighting against the misinformation, all of those I lost will likely never return to my life;
By not fighting against the misinformation, I will likely lose more who fall prey to the misinformation;
To pursue the life I want, I'm not yet far enough in that I'm self-sufficient so I MUST accept the help of loved ones;
Success will take time;
I won't be able to help everyone I want to.

But at the same time--this feels like it's the way I most want to go, and the best way to go, at least with how life has gone.

It won't be easy, but I think it's what I want to pursue.

And for any who are along for the ride...thank you.

I guess I've got a blog after all.

​Sorry for not giving more, but I will always do the best I can. I hope you can do the same. <3

My body requires an annoyingly large amount of upkeep. I basically have a ridiculously fast metabolism which was meant to slow down except it never actually did. As stereotypical as it is, I have the metabolism of a teenage boy. Or maybe not quite that high, so let's say teenage girl. (Who are not the stereotype so I assume are still high consumers but not quite as high.) I need to eat a lot. Like, a lot a lot. I'd roughly estimate probably in the 3,000 range to not have a deficit? I dunno how food really works for the body, honestly. But I need to eat a lot to maintain 100%.

Like...no matter how much or how little I eat I never gain or lose weight. Not in any significant notable amount. I average somewhere in the 148 range. If I am eating a lot and less active that can climb higher but never above 153. If I'm active and starving myself it can fall to like 143. But I don't really gain or lose any real notable weight. I have no idea why, but that's just the way my body works. (I know, a lot of people would consider this a good thing, but it's just a thing, neither good nor bad.)

All of this is to say, what I eat doesn't matter for my weight. But it does matter for my energy and my ability to function throughout the day. (I'm getting to the point, I promise.) When I'm not eating enough, I end up lethargic, lacking energy, drained easily, tired, mentally foggy, etc. And I require a ludicrously large amount of food to eat enough. We're talking three large meals a day as the bare minimum. Which, I can't always get.

And lately...I've been having the opposite.

My wife and I since we've gotten back from vacation have been surviving off a single container of Ritz per day. 1 - 2 Ritz cylinders, shared between us. Not each. That one or two packs, split between us. Half a pack, or one full pack, each. For the entire day. For the better part of three days in a row. While I was relatively physically active, no less.

Suffice to say, it had a rather...negative effect on my ability to function effectively. Like, it's enough to survive, but I was exactly the things I said above. Lethargic, lacking energy, easily drained, mentally foggy, easily stressed, highly depressed, etc. I was unable to really function at all.

...But now...today...I actually feel...well it's hard to tell, half of me right now feels fully full, half of me feels like I could have some more, so it's hard to say, but...I...might actually be full??? And like...for the first time since getting back, I don't feel drained. I feel energetic.

And more than that.

I'm feeling like I'm not sick anymore. Time will tell if I'm not actually sick, but I'm not feeling sick anymore.

And you know what?

All of this?

...Was only possible because of the support I received from loved ones.

My mom gave me just enough to deal with rent.
My dad paid for my car's tabs renewal.
But I still didn't have enough money for groceries after the literal thousands they bailed me out with.

Yet after I mentioned to my friends yesterday night what I was going through...

...They rallied to support me, and gave just enough money for me to get groceries today.

And because I was able to eat today, I am now feeling more alive.

I have received the support of so many who have given me just enough to make it by, this month.

The one and only thing I haven't dealt with is the company that I believe is illegally charging me.

Granted! I still have to pursue taking action against the illegal charges and fighting back.

And I need to find food banks that work with my work schedule so I can go to one after work.

And I need to look into things like food stamps.

And I need to do a lot of stuff still.

And I didn't quite have the ability to today because while I was gaining energy today, I didn't have the energy until about an hour ago.

But! I am feeling hopeful. I'm feeling energetic. I'm feeling loved.

I know that I've gotten this far off of loads of support I won't be able to pay back.

But I'm not starving anymore. I'm not in despair anymore. I'm feeling like, tomorrow, I can tackle everything.

I can't afford to slack off--but at the same time, I feel like, as long as I don't? As long as I take action and am proactive? I will be okay. Things will work out. It won't be easy. But I am rested and recharged--tomorrow, it's time to use that energy.

I am insanely blessed. But I want to use that blessing and not waste it.

Thank you, everyone. For getting me through this tough time.

In whatever way I can, I will pay you back. I might not be able to ever pay you back in any meaningful way--but I still will pay you back. Because when I am this loved, it only redoubles my resolve to spread the love. You all deserve it. <3

...and only a fraction of it got done.

I wanted to make a followthrough blog to my blog about what happened last year, talking about the three worst things I could've done last year and how ironically, despite them being the worst possible things I could have done (and I tried my hardest to do none of them), it turns out there was validity behind them, in hindsight. Explaining this needs a blog proper, which I wanted to actually do yesterday, but I forgot until I crashed yesterday and today, I just have no energy for it.

I wanted to enjoy the Yuletide witch market, but I could tell kels wasn't enjoying it.

I wanted to get a lot of the apartment done, but I couldn't tackle the biggest area of the mess. I ran out of energy.

I wanted to work more on my novel, but that didn't happen.
I wanted to record TikTok and Instagram videos; neither happened.

I wanted to tackle more work on the illegal charges, but did neither.

I'm not progressing on any of the time-sensitive things I need to be.

And I feel pretty drained.

To be fair.

kels and I have been surviving on a single pack of Ritz per day. As our only meal. Shared between us. Yes, one or two cylinders, split between us, with no other food. At all. Whatsoever.

And I'm still sick.

And I did get a lot of cleaning done.

So like...I did have reason to get drained.

But...I still feel like I'm not doing enough quickly enough. While I'm not doing nothing, I don't feel like I'm doing enough quickly enough to handle life going forward.

I can't sustain this indefinitely. Things need to change. And for that...I need to step up.

I just am struggling to right now.

I got the car registration and tabs, and my dad paid for it.
Though there's the guilt of not yet being able to pay my parents back for basically saving me from high levels of debt, at least the car is legally taken care of.
The car continues to be held together by duct tape and a dream, but it's working at least.

I'm not nearly as sick, and largely resting/relaxing/recovering.

I got some work on my novel done.

But at the same time.

There is the looming illegal charges/bills I'm not addressing.

So like...I feel like I'm slacking off in areas I quite literally cannot afford to slack off in.

​And I dunno what to do.

And lemme tell you, I have a lot of things on my mind. Too many to fit into a blog, but I'm going to at least try my best.

I figure I should start off by saying life is a huge mixed bag.

I'm now married to the love of my life, Kelsey Marie Lewis, and they can now use that name.

December 3rd, 2023 was the one-year anniversary of kels proposing to me.
December 4th, 2023 was the one-year anniversary of us securing a place to live by signing the lease agreement for our apartment.

...And today? December 5th, 2023 and going into December 6th 2023 was the day I lost 90% of my friends, including two I was deeply in love with, beyond platonically. Enough time has passed that I feel comfortable mentioning publicly what I previously only hinted at except in DMs, since I was too afraid to talk about it publicly. The two closest friends I had, who were ride-or-die friends, who I was going to their wedding? I didn't just platonically love them. I loved loved them. Not as much as I love kels, but still more than my platonic friends.

Even a year later, it's hard for me to confess this, especially since it's hard to explain. I'm always afraid that in attempting to explain, I will end up in some way implying my feelings for kels are somehow lesser, or that I will hurt friends with my explanation of love, or something like that. Finding the right words for it is something I don't think I will ever be able to do, but I feel there is enough a level of trust and ability to communicate that I can at least attempt an attempt at explaining.

Basically, I feel like kels is my soulmate, my other half, my partner across most or even all lifetimes. The vow we made to each other in this lifetime is "together, forever, for the rest of eternity". And every day, I find new ways to fall in love with them. The love I have for them deepens every day, even a year later. It seems impossible, but every day I am wowed by them, I am enamored by them, I am fascinated by them, they bring me joy, they make me laugh, they make me happy, and they compliment me. They understand me, they get me, they are bonded to me, they are connected to me, they know me, and they pair well with me. We never fight, not truly (despite a few close calls), and they also drive me to do things I never would on my own.

Despite this, love is what I am, who I am. I love the world, and all the people in it, and the more I know people the more I love them--and this love can and does go deeper than platonically for some. My love of kels is greater than my love of anyone else, but I have always been honest in that I can and do still catch at least some feelings for others. I don't want kels to ever think they are holding me back or anything of the sort, so using this wording isn't the best, but for lack of better wording, I choose my vow to kels, to be with them and nobody else in this lifetime, above any feelings for others.

I think the healthiest approach is to recognize, yes, those feelings exist, and yes, those feelings are real, but also that I have no obligation to act on them, and I lose nothing by choosing not to. I already have my life partner. I already have the love of my life. In terms of love, I need no further romantic partner. While the theoretical ability to have more exists (I fully support polyamory and previously was in a polyamorous relationship), I have made the conscious and deliberate decision to devote myself entirely to the love of my life. Kels is my greatest treasure, and the best part of my life. Romantically, that is all I will ever need. So as long as we are both alive, in this life, we are wives, with total dedication to each other.

So I can recognize feelings without pursuing them because the people I have those feelings for? There's no real tangible difference between living as friends and living as partners with them. I already have the best possible relationship with them, as friends, in my mind, if that makes sense. I don't need more. I have everything I can realistically handle or could ever want.

I don't want more romantic relationships. I want kels. And only kels. The feelings I have for others might be real, but so too is my devotion, my dedication, my desire, for kels and kels alone, above all others. The love of my life is more than enough for me. I'm eternally blessed and some small part of me will always feel like I married out of my league with how amazing, incredible, and awesome kels is. I could never want more than that, I could never want to pursue more than that, because they are and always will be the most fulfilling part of my life, a blessing I will never take for granted.

I probably will at some point make a follow-through blog better explaining this concept, but I think you get the idea. I get feelings for others, but my love for kels eclipses them all.

With that tangent addressed, a lot of the friends I lost one year ago, I had more than platonic feelings for. It wasn't just the two closest friends who I had romantic feelings for. It was a lot of those friends. To various degrees, I loved them, with the love of the two closest friends at some points nearly equaling my love of kels. (Nearly. kels was always a greater love.)

That can probably give a lot of context for why I handled events last year so poorly. The proof is everywhere. In my blog, in my DMs, in my twitch chat messages, etc. I was trying not to lose the people I loved. That I had hurt them so deeply and badly drove me to nearly kill myself, multiple times.

I don't want that to justify or excuse my behavior. While I can, thanks to healing, say with full confidence I did far less wrong/harm than these people think, that I made far fewer mistakes than they believe I did, that a lot more is on their end than they realize...I never want to go down the delusional rabbit hole of pinning all the blame on anyone/everyone except me. I did do wrong, and I did do harm. The cause being rooted in my love may make it more understandable, but it should not be used to dismiss the harm, to forgive it, to forget it, etc.

Now as a reminder. The loss of my friends exactly one year ago was triggered due to a streamer I have grown to believe is genuinely problematic (but not a monster), and particularly the two ex-friends who I believe are willing and deliberate accomplices to the problematic streamer. My feelings there are complex and nuanced and fluid, but loosely, I feel these are both true.

The problematic streamer is problematic;
The problematic streamer is a good person, and not a monster.
The ex-friends are willing accomplices who acted with malice towards me and kels;
The ex-friends are still good people.

How those can be reconciled is something I think many people will struggle with, and it took me the better part of this year to do that. But basically, the problematic streamer is not a complete monster. Few people are. Especially not the problematic streamer. I believe the problematic streamer genuinely problematic, but in ways that could go either way. If left unchecked, if left to fester, if leaned into, the problematic traits could get worse and eventually radicalize the problematic streamer to be more monstrous. But if recognized, addressed, and healthily dealt with, the problematic streamer could atone, try to change, and genuinely become unproblematic.

Similarly so for the ex-friends.

Having been the victim of cancelation, I could never wish that fate on almost anyone. Not even the problematic streamer, not even the ex-friends. What I went through, I don't want them to go through. But what I do hope happens down the line is them being held accountable. For the harm they caused, for the damage they did, to be recognized, and for them to face their uglier side, and rather than lean into it, to try and move away.

I wouldn't want people to reject them, or even to truly punish them on any longterm basis. I don't want them punished. I don't want them to have their lives crumble. I don't want them to suffer, or face losses. While I want what they did and the damage it caused to be known and recognized, I don't want it to ruin their lives, or ostracize them. They don't deserve that, because I will stand by them being good people.

I know it's hard to recognize how people are multi-faceted, and how they can be great humans in many ways but total pieces of shit in other ways. But having gone through the process of being ostracized, of being cast out, of nobody listening to me, or even giving me a chance? I would never wish that on another good human, and most humans are good. Or at least "good enough".

I will still offer this reminder though. Kels was a potential whistleblower on exposing the problematic streamer's problematic nature. When the problematic streamer found out, they abused their authority, their influence, to reverse victim and abuser, gaslight people and lie about their relationship with kels, to portray kels as malicious and shut down any ability for kels to share what they knew. That campaign of misinformation was so successful, it left kels gaslit into genuinely believing they were problematic, and almost caused kels to take their own life. I was the one and only person who was there for kels when kels needed it most, so I quite literally saved their life.

The decision to continually associate with kels and choose them over the problematic streamer led to the ex-friends turning against me. Now, I do want to reiterate, kels and I are not blameless. I recognize a lot of the things kels did were, despite human and understandable, flawed and carried some harm. And I also made mistakes in this area. I demonized myself in a very harmful way that hurt others, and was very argumentative in an unproductive, destructive way that did nothing but further harm everyone involved.

But the ex-friends did know basically everything we know about the problematic streamer--and chose their friendship with the problematic streamer over their friendship with kels, over their friendship with me, and over doing the right thing in exposing the ways the problematic streamer is problematic. Whatever harm the problematic streamer causes or is revealed to cause down the line? It could have been stopped and exposed in 2023 if not for the ex-friends choosing the problematic streamer over kels.

So when the problematic streamer is eventually revealed as problematic, I do want people to remember that and know exactly why I feel the ex-friends are the problematic streamer's accomplices. They knew, but chose to deliberately and intentionally spread misinformation, as well as a continuous campaign against kels and myself. Including a year ago, choosing to drive a wedge between my friends and me by drawing my friends' attention to my part in all of this, one year ago.

Technically, this isn't explicitly confirmed to have happened. But one friend in particular holds the key. If you asked her to be honest, and asked her who exactly directed her to a months-old blog when nobody was reading my blog, she would probably confirm it explicitly. And if you asked all of the people who reported me who encouraged them to report me, similarly so. It would all trace back, at the roots, to the ex-friends, who continuously had a campaign of misinformation targeting kels and I.

I can recognize the ex-friends did have reason to believe kels was legitimately guilty of something entirely separate from the problematic streamer. They got a report of kels having done something that would be cancel-worthy separate from anything...if it was actually true. And usually, we are taught to believe the people coming forward about things like this. But kels is innocent of that thing, and depending on the accuser would likely be able to prove their innocence, or at least have people vouch for the character of kels / the LACK of character from the accuser. (We've narrowed it down to one of two people, both of which are chronic false accusers. When I say I have good reason to believe kels's innocence despite us normally being told to believe accusers, it's because I have very good reason to believe the accusation is false and kels is innocent.)

​However, no matter how much those ex-friends may have believed kels guilty of something cancel-worthy, that will never justify them willingly spreading what they knew to be misinformation, deliberately trying to (and by and large, succeeding in) gaslighting people, lying, and spreading this misinformation as if it were infallible fact, behind closed doors. They spread the guilt of kels and I, to everyone they knew were close to us, encouraging the poison of doubt, mistrust, and second-guessing of character.

They planted the idea that my genuine love and affection was lovebombing, that my devotion and support was malicious, that I was manipulative rather than just a kind, caring, supportive person. They did this, presumably out of some form of jealousy, or envy, or just because they could. Who knows. But it sure wasn't to protect themselves. It sure wasn't out of concern of my character. They went out of their way to deliberately find the worst aspects of me and portray those aspects of me as if they were indicative of my true character, and planted the seeds of doubt in the communities I was in.

They knew who I was, that I was the kind, caring, loving friend I always appeared to be, and willingly and deliberately perpetrated the lie, the misinformation, of me being malicious.

​And that all started one year ago, to the day.

And it worked, by and large.

In the last year, I have lost 90% of the people I once called friend. All due to that misinformation campaign, launched one year ago.

So there's a great deal of mixed emotions, about all the negative from the loss I suffered. In the blogs throughout December 2023, January, June, and July 2024, you can see the evidence of just how bad I got. How low I felt. How suicidal I became. How I genuinely came close to killing myself due to the loss of people I loved, deeply, and the loss of communities I considered my second family, my found family.

...But at the same time? There is also a great deal of positives. The callout of my then-closest-friend who I loved might have deeply hurt, but it led to an incredible amount of growth. A lot of my healing over the last year has been in recognizing I was always a good person, I was always a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, loving girl, who was supportive with time and words and heavily invested in my friends and community. But that doesn't mean I was flawless.

I was largely closed off. Opening up over the last year has been liberating.
I was less aware of the nuances, the multi-faceted nature of things, less able to see things outside of black-and-white, less able to recognize the good in most people, less supportive, less caring, less invested, than I am now. I was good, but I have become better at those things in the last year.

I was always critical of myself, but I have become much better at realistically targeting and honing in on the productive, healthy critiques, to have a more honest outlook on myself. One where I wasn't overly critical of myself, but also not glossing over any issues.

I have become better at recognizing how to acknowledge the world has bad while also how to better focus on boosting the good.

I have become better at being there for friends and all my loved ones.

I've become better at rebuilding bridges and talking with more nuance and diplomacy.

I have become more able to make my friends feel joy.

Last year, I had the vow of spreading joy and positivity--and I have succeeded at that resolution magnificently so.

There's improvements still to make, and there always will be.

But I am more healthily tackling just about everything, more realistically handling everything, with higher intuition, higher recognition, higher perspective.

And I now have friends who I know are actually ride-or-die. They proved it, by sticking by me, when even the friends who believed themselves ride-or-die with me ended up not actually riding with me. Again, I don't want to put any blame on them for it. There were good reasons to be hurt by me. I hadn't yet realized the problematic streamer was problematic, I hadn't yet realized the malice of the ex-friends being accomplices, I blamed myself for everything, I demonized myself, and I said very hurtful harmful things that made it easier to believe I had been involved in something malicious and had no regrets.

​Believing the manipulations of manipulators who launched a very convincing misinformation campaign, especially one fueled by my own self-gaslighting when I genuinely believed myself problematic, isn't something I can ever blame them for. I've become more okay with criticizing them, and can feel comfortable giving the criticism that despite viewing me as a ride-or-die they didn't ride with me. They didn't ask me to explain. They didn't ask for my perspective. They didn't take my side. They were so willing to believe the things they were told about me.

They didn't talk to me. They didn't try to. One friend made a paltry attempt once, but they didn't communicate with me. They didn't talk with me. As much as they criticized me for not being open with them, they weren't open with *me* because they weren't willing to fight for me, they weren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, they weren't willing to trust that the friend they had known for years was exactly the friend they knew.

Instead, they instantly believed everything wrong about me was to be taken at face value. They had no doubts. They had no hesitation. They took action against me before talking to me. As people who thought I was ride-or-die. They thought I was ride-or-die, but they didn't act like I was a ride-or-die. And I know this because my actual ride-or-dies *DID*. 

My actual ride-or-die friends did everything the friends I loved didn't. It wasn't until they did that I was able to face the hard truth of how, despite how much I wanted them to be flawless, the friends I loved had failed me and hadn't lived up to being ride-or-die friends. Because my ride-or-die friends? They reached out to me. They heard me out. They heard my perspective. They heard our side. They listened. And they stood by me. They gave support. They trusted in the friend they always knew. They trusted that the kind, caring, compassionate person they knew who loved and supported them with time and words? Was who I am.

I had dozens upon dozens of friends, many close, many who I quite literally loved, beyond platonically.

Of them, only about a dozen or so stayed. And they are my ride-or-die friends, who I will always do everything for, because they did everything for me in my time of need, when nobody else would. Even the friends who believed I was a ride-or-die. They thought it but failed to show it with their actions. The friends who stayed, did. They gave spaces for kels and I to exist, to talk, to vibe, when we were in desperate need of friends.

​That is a memory for the last year I will always remember, and cherish.

This last year has shown me just how much I am loved, cherished, and appreciated, by all of my loved ones. And my ability to reciprocate, to pay it back, has only grown. My ability to help, to express the joy and positivity I promised to bring, has only gotten better and better.

I have met more and more of my life goals, and helped other loved ones meet theirs.

I've helped heal any who I can help heal, I've mended any damaged relationships I can, and have become the Breeacon of light I have vowed to Breecome.

All of that outweighs the loss.

But at the same time.

Despite how much has gone good, has gone right, for me, there are a lot of issues.

My apartment is illegally charging me $300 extra per month, and I cannot pay that. Even with the old rate on rent, I was bleeding money slowly; now it's an outright hemorrhage and as of today I am $1200 short on rent alone.

kels hasn't yet gotten a longterm form of income off the ground. This month, we're going to work on that, but due to the holidays and stressors of last month, it hasn't YET happened.

I'm facing another illegal charge from a company sending Collections after me, and I cannot afford the $105 / month they want.

My car, despite surviving, is damaged, and I can't really afford to repair it.

My workplace has a boss who I believe is ill-suited for the position they are in. They were hired for a position they were well-suited for, but then forcefully promoted to a position they aren't suited for. They aren't as good for lifeguards as they are for swim instructors as they were a swim instructor hired to be a boss of swim instructors, they are rigid rather than flexible and not accommodating, they insist on corporate bullshit rather than just showing the understanding and awareness to handle things with care. They value rules over employees, despite being well aware of how ridiculous and unrealistic some of those rules are. The well-being of employees takes a back seat to rules and regulations for them. I don't think they are a bad superior in principle. I just don't think they are qualified for the superior position they were put in, in terms of personality. No matter their qualifications on paper, the insistence on doing things in a way despite employees not wanting to do it the way the superior wants to is detrimental to the staff and a hallmark of poor management.

And this is taxing to me. My wife believes my boss wants me to quit, that my boss is targeting me, because of these. I don't believe that. I don't believe there is any kind of annoyance, malice, intent, etc., there, to try and pressure me into quitting or making a mistake that gets me fired. But I do believe the fact my wife thinks these things is evidence of their incompetence in the position. I don't think they are a bad boss on principle, but I do think they are a bad boss for all of aquatics to adhere to, and that they were promoted outside their area of comfort to a position they have not yet adjusted to despite having the better part of a full year to.

I'm making less at work, and while the increase in freedom is liberating and healthy, it is taxing during a time of financial hardship.

It comes back to the same old same old, only magnified moreso now.

I'm mostly good in life, just finances are...leaving me stressed.

I've become very good at spreading a positive outlook, despite hardships we all know are coming.

But at the same time, I'm struggling right now. There's frustration, stress, anxiety, and also, a feeling of hopelessness, of dread, of sadness, and a great deal of depression. I have concepts of a plan on what to do, but I don't know what to do.

There's likely a ton more I'm forgetting. But like. I'm back from vacation. It was good, but there was a toll. My car is more damaged, finances I currently don't know what to do, but, I am alive. We will survive. We'll find a way. I'm sick, but recovering. And while there's a lot to get done, I have faith. Somehow, we will find a way.

I have a lot of love to give, and I feel I will give it to others still going forward.

So, despite life's challenges, together, let's keep going. We can do it. We'll get through the rough patches. The lives we want to live might be unrealistic now, but with work they become attainable, and we can live them if we adjust. Creativity and love can carry us through. Support, network, stay safe, and stay strong. We got this. <3