I was very productive in plurality stuff, story stuff, streaming, and in spirituality stuff.

I do have to make sure my fiance is okay though.

I did get a bit of a confusing event though.

I feel like I got called out for a lack of communication and honesty, but...I don't know what it could be for. I can't think of a single thing I've been dishonest about. As far as I know, I've been living a life of full honesty. I can't figure out what I'd be dishonest about. And as far as I know, the only communication I haven't done is with those who have set the boundaries of not wanting me to.

So...what am I missing?

I know I must be missing something, but what could it be?

I'm honestly a bit worried this could be the test, and that I am failing it, because, like...

...I don't understand.

I have learned to understand a lot. I have learned to see a lot of the various perspectives of others. I have nothing but love. I have nothing but compassion. I have nothing but good wishes. I have nothing but honesty. So why does it feel like I am being told I wasn't? Where haven't I been? I can't figure it out.

So like...if this is the test of understanding, I must have failed. I know what I have done and I know I have lived honestly and true to myself. I can certainly stand up for myself by defending that. I can certainly communicate with those who want me to. But I don't know what I'm meant to do rn.

I felt like I was fairly attuned, but now I'm feeling doubts. I'm drawing blanks. 

I don't want to ignore the callout, but at the same time...I don't really know what I can do. All I can think of is to keep focusing on what I have. I have a lot of good in my life. I have wonderful friends who see the beauty in me. I have many who enjoy my presence and want me in their life. I have an amazing fiance. I have a good stream schedule going. I'm making progress on my projects. I'm about to embark on more. I'm an acceptable artist. I'm getting better at balancing my life.

I have a strong love for everyone. I have a strong drive to heal others, and to teach others, and to create, and that holy trinity is my strengths as a person. I am growing spiritually.

There are things which I don't have which I want. Namely my desire to help those I can't, to support those I can't, to celebrate those I can't, to hug those I can't, to provide the good vibes to those I can't. But I have no control over those, and never will. By following boundaries, by following limitations, I can do nothing. I would love to, and on my end I can stand up for my virtues while listening with love and support. But that's all I can.

And since I can't get those things I want, I should focus on what I can.

I want to live the most fulfilled life I can. I want to live the most rich life I can. I want to live the most productive life I can. I want to live the most elevated life of servitude and goodness. That of the healer, teacher, and artist.

So, without an answer for the things I want but can't get, I'll focus on what I can get.

Maybe that's the test, to see if I have learned to let go of what I can't get and to hold onto what I can.

We'll have to see. I'm trying my best. That's all I can really do.

...but that's okay.

I got a callout from my tarot reading, and also a very extensive reading from a different practitioner. From the looks of things, some time in the relatively close future, basically "the test you went through? You're going to be given it again to see what you've learned".

I can't imagine the test ever being something purely good. Something bad is going to happen, to someone I care about, which could include being me. But, if I have learned the right lessons, then I should be able to overcome the challenge with compassion, love, and empathy. It's something which is scary. I'm always going to want the best for everyone in my life, so I always want good to happen--

If all went well, if good were happening to them, then I wouldn't need to be giving them the help, basically, and who would ever want the people they love to go through a trying time requiring help? Nobody wants that. But, since life lifes, and everyone has their difficulties, all I can really hope for is that I can be there for them, I have learned what I need to, and I can help them.

I'm probably rambling, but basically, as worried as I am about my abilities to help heal and teach, I'm not going to back down from any situation which arises. I'm going to help, I'm going to heal, I'm going to spread my joy and positivity, and I'm going to give my love, regardless of the situation.

I'm in a space where I'm gaining confidence in myself, and gaining confidence in my path, and in my support system.

I hope I can give that back by continuing to do everything I am doing.

...but I guess I still want to try.

I had an inservice for work today, which ate up a lot of the day, but otherwise it's been mostly vibes.

I logged back into reddit after a long abstinence, and found that reddit has a user post page, which might mean I begin to mirror my blog posts to reddit as well. Four posts is a little bit more effort than three, but hey, it's still a manageable number. I don't really have much to say. I guess, for my blog and for any mirrors which will allow it on a text blog as an upload with the blog, I'll share the art I'm working on.

I've uploaded it as-is as a temporary emote to my twitch channel, but I need to keep working on it. The emotion is great, the smirk and face behind it is amazingly good, but the lineart, the hair, the shading, they all need to be worked extensively upon.

Still, getting a prototype "I'll replace this with the better finished version later" is better than not having it at all, so like...I'm happy I have at least a prototype to finish. This is a massive work in progress, but a WIP is better than no work at all and I am proud of myself for having done it.

I think that might be all I have to really share today? I'm making small amounts of progress, albeit not doing everything I want to. Today had a spiritual experience where I accidentally did something I have never done before. It was an experience where I basically was...elsewhere. Talking to someone. And then I overwhelmingly felt their emotions. I wasn't welcome. I snapped out of it and realized that wasn't me just thinking of something, I was actually EXPERIENCING it.

Life is lifeing.

...on the actual day, today, what I was originally going to was Not The Vibe.

All of today, I was reflecting, and for the last few days I've been considering if I actually should do the blog that I was going to, and ultimately, I felt no matter how bad or good the blog I was going for was, ultimately it just wasn't the vibe.

​I kinda also forget what I was gonna replace it with, which sucks, because I was gonna write about something amazingly good. Something very positive. Something very good. If I could remember what I was thinking of blogging about twelve hours today, today would have a spectacular blog. But whatever good vibes I had in mind, I've unfortunately forgotten them.

But while I may have forgotten what I was gonna write that was good vibes today, that I don't want the bad vibes from my original planned blog remains. My plan was a long blog about all of the bad to have come from one innocent event which began today last year, on March 21st 2023. A long list of all the pain and grief and tragedy to come from something so innocent in intention that went horribly horribly wrong and has lifelong consequences. And then I would go into the silver linings, how some good came which never would have otherwise.

...but, for whatever reason, that failed my vibe check.

I still want to briefly mention what happened one year ago. It's been littered throughout my blog posts ever since I resumed blogging in December 2023 and had some hints in post-July-23rd July + August + September, but I've not talked about it in full. Today I was kinda sorta intending to; it doesn't pass the vibe check for a blog today, despite today being the one-year anniversary of the beginning of the event.

Basically, last year in February, I was invited to a friend's server, of about a dozen members. We were almost entirely all prominent major names in one streamer's community. The server owner, Two VIPs, a mod, and other instantly recognizable names. The artist for this friend server, one of said VIPs, had a rant about something in said streamer's community, and the server owner created a temporary discord subthread for the venting, which didn't stay temporary. That rant happened on March 21st, 2023, exactly one year ago (well, 21st or 23rd, I have the date saved but don't have which of them 100%, pretty sure it was the 21st tho), and set into motion a disastrous chain of events that would cause lifelong damage to far more than the nine or so involved. 

I was going to talk in great length about all of the bad which happened, how it came to be, and all of that, laying out how good intentions from good people (not a single one among us being bad) led to a bad outcome with repercussions still playing out to this day--mostly bad, but ending on the few silver linings, bittersweet as they may be.

Since it failed my vibe check, this will be the extent of my mentioning it. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen, and to any it would do good to explain it to I absolutely will, but by and large, my vibes shouldn't be focused on the past. My vibes should be focused on the present, and the future.

So instead, let me say what I'm actually going to be talking about, for the rest of the blog post.

​I want to talk about what I have gained and what I have learned. It may have spawned from tragedy, it may have spawned from bad, but how I got it in the past doesn't matter. That I have it, does, and how I intend to use it, that's what's important. That's the vibe. I can't change the past, so dwelling on it does nobody any good. What I can do is change the future by my actions in the present, and that's what I'm thinking of doing now.

I'm going to go forward with my plan to make shortform content, namely videos. I'm going to be regularly uploading them, potentially daily (although that will require recording at least 4 per day I record them on), with me recording them on my main two nonstream days, Tuesday and Thursday (ideally, quickly, as to not interfere with any streams from my fiance).

I want to make at least six per week, ideally 8 - 12.

I want these videos to mostly be about the things I have learned, life lessons, and to share my outlook and words of affirmation.

I wrote my intention this year to be a Breeacon of joy and positivity. I wrote my intention to spread the good vibes to all. And I want to make good on that promise, in a big way.

I have already been succeeding in those goals, in the spaces I live in. I affirm others. I see their beauty. I see how amazing they are. I look at their talents, their passions, their interests, their hobbies, their pastimes, with glee and awe. I congratulate them, I tell them they are awesome, I see just how wonderful they are. I give them as much validation as I can, although they will always deserve more than I as just one individual ever could.

I provide daily or near-daily affirmations. I speak from the soul, providing positivity coming from my heart. I share my love of them, and give them words to help get them through the day. I help them, even if just a little, by giving them boosts, extra strength that helps them get through trying times.

I provide my perspective. I teach them my lessons. I have been on all four sides of most issues. I've been the one who has wronged people. I have been the person who thought others had wronged me. I've been on the outside watching someone who has been wronged. I've been on the outside watching someone suffer the pain of knowing they have wronged others.

I used to be nothing but a student in most areas of life. Learning.

But now I am both a teacher and a healer.

So I am going to make videos where I focus on those two things.

I want to spread my messages on a grander scale.

I can't guarantee this will happen. I have to be careful not to take on too much. And the people in my life take priority over spreading my message to people who aren't in my life. I don't want to neglect existing friends in favor of potentially helping someone in the future that I currently don't know.

So I have to make sure this is only being done in the small windows of time where I have nothing I otherwise would be missing out on. Which is why it may not manifest as what I am hoping it to. I want to try though, ideally in sub-60-second messages. Loosely, what I want to do is modeled more after the more positive side of places like Instagram and tiktok, the likes of Quincy's Tavern, Hank Green and the vlog brothers, the positive messages of some content creators, but to be the genuine words from my experiences.

​I know I won't do it perfectly. I know I may give some lessons wrong, with my lack of knowledge causing me to accidentally spread imperfect information. I'll need to find a way to be clear about that being possible. A disclaimer of some kind of, "I am still learning, and the information I give may be flawed. Please continue pursuing learning on your own", or something of the likes. But I want to do it.

Videos on plurality.
Videos on witchy stuff.
Videos on LGBTQIA+ stuff.
Videos telling silly jokes.
Videos where I give affirmations.

All based on what I have learned, and my experiences, and my outlook.

​I want to share my view on the world with others, in a way where they can see it, and bring into their own life whatever they see as worth bringing in from mine. They don't need to take everything of mine as gospel--as long as a single thing I have said resonates and helps them on their journey, then what I did was worth doing. So I want to do it.

​There is a lot of good in this world. And I have a lot of good in this world. I have two amazing friends who are pursuing each other, seeing them flirt is really really cute and fills me and my fiance with giddy because we see a lot of our own journey in them. They are the second and third most important people in my life right now (I don't think I blogged about my revelation that these two friends are the second and third most important people in my life, but they are; we hang out every week, watch things together, trade jokes and comments, support each other, and I want them around more than anyone else bar my fiance), and they are amazingly cute and give me much joy and happiness to watch their love.

​I have many other close friends, too. 2024 is truly our year. They are all crushing it at life. They are growing, and sharing their growth. I enjoy watching their journey and celebrating them. I laugh at their humor, I vibe with their presence, I love their lives, and I am thoroughly fulfilled in life by just being surrounded by those I love and who love me back.

I uplift others, and they in turn give me the strength to keep going by sharing all the good in their lives. I support them in their low times. I give all of my love to all of them, and I see just how beautiful and amazing and incredible they all are.

There are those who don't want me to do that for them anymore. And as saddening as it is for me, as much as I would love to celebrate their achievements, as much as I would love to support them through their harder times, as much as I want to give them that joy and positivity, I have to respect that they don't want it from me. I can silently wish them well on their journey, send positive thoughts and prayers their way, put the energy into the world where I wish they succeed and find/hold onto happiness and good vibes, where I love them from afar, but because I still love them and always will, their wishes are all that matter. Their desires, their drives, their lives, their perspectives, their feelings, are valid and matter, and they wish for me to be uninvolved in their process.

I will respect the conditions I am given, but I will never impose conditions of my own. That I can promise. I am still learning how to approach from a place of love, not a place of trying to fix things. But I can promise to not let my shadow take control. I can promise to recognize the source of my pain and negativity. I promise to wish them well regardless of whether I am involved or not. My presence isn't needed, isn't required, for them to find success, and I should be all the more proud of them for succeeding without me. I can promise to have that mindset, to have their good be enough without anything from me, and to treat any presence of mine which they choose to let me have as the gift and blessing it is, from them to me, with me being the one who receives more from it.

I know I have received so many readings telling me that I am on the right path. I am headed in the right direction. I need to keep doing what I am doing. So I can keep doing that. I can keep learning. I can keep improving. I can keep creating. I can keep streaming. I can keep making the lives of everyone who chooses to let me be a part of their life, all the better for it. I see them for the beautiful souls they are.

I see the good in all these lovely people. I see all of the positives in these people. I love them all, I love all the good things from them. Their lovely personalities, their life experiences, their outlooks, their endeavors, their passions, their jokes, their supportiveness, their chattiness, their aesthetic, everything. People are beautiful. They are wonderful. They have such storied lives, and I am so privileged to be a part of all the lives I have been.

I remember so much about them all and I would never trade it for anything.

I want people to know there is more good in this world than bad. I want people to see the good in themselves, the same way they do to others. I want people to see their merits, and be encouraged to pursue their passions, to fulfill their dreams. I love hearing about what they want to do and I want to help them do it. I want to be that friend who is always supportive and loving, while also spreading that to the whole world, beyond just my friends.

A lot of people could use little affirmations. And a lot of people could use someone to help give them knowledge they otherwise wouldn't have had. And a lot of people need some daily laughs. So I should continue to give these things to others. My friends as my first priority, but to the world as I can.

I have a lot of love to give.
I have a lot of hope to spread.
This is a year of healing and recovery and growth and becoming who we were meant to be.

It's about time I got started.

In a comfort twitch streamer's chat, I got reminded of something. I touched upon it in my last blog, but one of the things that has happened to me is my transformation into more of a teacher.

I don't have the time/energy to pursue all my passions. So I will need to pick and choose which I pursue.

I can't do them all.

Streaming.
Writing.
Working.
Art.
Music.

And now...teaching.

I can't pursue all at once.

There's also content creation beyond streaming.

Videos.

Bits.

Skits I have imagined.

Videos I have ideas for.

Jokes.

Memes.

All sorts of things.

I can't do them all. I will be forced to give up on at least some of them.

Yet...as much as I can...I want to pursue them, as much as I can.

In particular, when it comes to teaching...

...I have always felt that I was the one who needed to learn more. I was always awkward, I was always feeling like I was failing at life, so what lessons could a failure have to impart on others? I came from a conservative family and went to a school with basically no training for all of the things.

I had no training on mental conditions. Nothing about Autism, or Bipolar Disorder, or ADHD.

I had no training on LGBTQIA+ matters.

I had no training about plurality.

I consider myself a student in those fields, because I've so much to learn and never am confident in myself.

...And yet...

...I am at a point in life where I have more experience than most people do. I can give them basic information, I can give them the references I learned from, I can impart them with the knowledge I have, and I passively do this without realizing it.

I am a teacher.

I have always wanted to be a teacher.

And...I think I can elevate my abilities and be a teacher in a larger capacity.

I think I can actually embrace the side of me which educates others.

And I think it would be a lot easier than I think.

I can make shortform content, uploading to tiktok yt shorts and instagram.

I can do it--and I want to.

Now, I'm a lousy orator.

But I think I can make content, while imparting education on others, and do it well. Yes, I will make mistakes. But I can help others make less mistakes than I did.

I can do it, and get going on it.

I'm going to manifest moving forward with this.

Today is the seven-month anniversary of me dating my fiance. And yet, today, I am opening up the day by writing what, if I actually cover everything, will be a really lengthy blog. But, it's a blog I've been wanting to write to air out some thoughts for the last three, four days or so.

The heart of the selfishness I want to cover is basically this.

I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want forgiveness for what I have done. I don't want people to forget my mistakes, either. Nor do I want things to go back to the way they were before. Even if these things were possible, selfishly, I want something more, something far bigger than that, and perhaps more impossible, but that's why this is a selfish desire.

Who I am now is not defined by the mistakes I made in the past.

I want to be seen as I am now, not as who I was when I made the mistakes I did.

I want to be seen as good enough as I am, rather than seen as someone who has a lot to make up for.

As selfish as it is, I don't want to spend the rest of my life needing to atone for my past mistakes. I want to be seen as doing the good I do, just because that's who I am, that's the natural thing to do. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my actions being penance. I don't want there to be a need for me to have my good deeds being making up for past misdeeds. As selfish as it is,

I want the good I do to be seen just as the good I do. Nothing more, nothing less.

I want to be seen as I am, not perceived through the filter of mistakes I've since learned from.

People change. People learn. And people are complex. Me moreso than most. And I'm sure I'll continue to make more mistakes--particularly since I only have my own feedback to tell if I am making a mistake. I have to keep guessing to try and avoid mistakes, and I probably guess wrong. But I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I made. It doesn't matter if those mistakes are ten years old, eight months old, or even last week. I am not who I was when I made those mistakes. I am better.

To be sure, if there's a continuous mistake I keep making over and over--and I bet there's plenty of those--yeah, I'm not going to be better than I was when making it, because I keep making it every day. But in that case, I need someone to point out the mistake I am continuously making, and once I can identify it as a mistake, I can immediately start working on bettering it until I am not making that mistake, or at least not making it as often.

I improve every day, and selfishly, I want this to be enough. I want to have my growth be acknowledged. I want that change to be recognized, as selfish as it may be to say, to insist upon.

Selfishly, I want people to not assume the worst of me. I want people to see the good I do, and to see it as good done without any bias, without any thoughts of how it must be a mask, it must be penance, it must be for an agenda, or whatever. I want people to see the good I do and see it as me having done good, not out of malice, not out of selfishness (ironic, given how selfish this is), but just because that's who I am, the good I do is my natural state.

Selfishly, I want people to not think I am selfish.

Selfishly, I want to be proud of all of my accomplishments, including the natural good I do just by existing in the places I do.

And there is a lot of good!

In the spaces I choose to inhabit, the natural inclination for the vast majority of people is positive perspective of me, and good vibes to be had. They enjoy hanging out with me. They like to be around me. They enjoy time spent together. I am naturally liked, even when I have thought I had no reason to be.

Without trying, without effort on my part, just by me being me, people in the spaces I frequent are overall very fond of me.

Negative outlooks of me are, by and large, a learned behavior. People got taught to have their positive views overridden by the negative ones. They got taught to drop their positive perspective. They got taught to have their good vibes killed. They got taught to think of me as bringing toxicity or whatever bad things they now think of me. They got taught to avoid me. They got taught to regret spending as much time around me as they did, they got taught to have their hopes crushed because a person encouraging said hopes was terrible in a way they were educated on. That hate (and it is selfish for me to call it hate) is something they were given, not something they found naturally on their own.

And it was nearly nonexistent before December 5th, 2023. And entirely nonexistent before August 2023. It's a learned behavior, learned from others, because the natural inclination, the natural instinct, is to vibe with me. People naturally vibe with me because it's natural for us to vibe together, to click together.

People's instincts about a person are normally correct, and their instincts about me overwhelmingly were positive. I formed years-long friendships with people who have very good instincts, who have a great intuition, who instantly connected with me. They intuitively felt the good from me and connected with the good in me. Even at a time when I myself thought myself to be not great, they saw the great in me without even trying, because that is who I am.

Overwhelmingly, people's instincts towards me are positive. They only see otherwise when taught it by another. And they have great resistance to the idea I am terrible, they have great resistance to negative thoughts about me, because their instincts were that I am a good person.

And selfishly, I want them to acknowledge this. As selfish as it is, I want it to be acknowledged that even years ago when I thought myself trash, others on a deep fundamental level recognized me as a beautiful soul before even I could. 

So, selfishly, now that I am finally beginning to realize how beautiful my soul is, I want them to admit they saw it in me then, and that it's still there on some level now. That the good within me didn't disappear because of the bad within me, that the good within me isn't being corrupted by me finally being able to see it.

I want it to be okay for me to know that I am great.

I want it to be okay for me to be good, even when thinking I am good.

Selfishly, I want it to be alright that I am aware I am a good person who does good.

People saw the good on me on a deep fundamental instinctual level back in a time period where I thought I was a piece of trash. I want that to be them seeing the truth before I could, rather than them having been mistaken and me only now believing their mistaken impression.

As selfish as it is, I want my good qualities to be acknowledged, and seen as what they are:
Good qualities from a good person whose natural goodness is a gift she offers freely to the world, perhaps too freely.

Selfishly, I want it to be okay for me to say this and for others to know it is true:

I am quite the catch.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. I would do literally anything for any who I call a friend, and I call most people friend so there is almost anything I will do for them. I have limits in what I can do, but I will go to those limits and help them in any way I can.

I am ridiculously enthusiastic. I see the achievements of others, and they fill me with joy, I am passionate in expressing my great love for what they have done.

I am passionate. I am good at inspiring others.

I am invested in those I spend time around. I learn their names, their pronouns, their approximate age, their birthday, their approximate location, what they are learning, what they are passionate about, who they are friends with, their relationships, how their family life is, life events, etc. I remember stuff about them. I know what they are most nerdy about, I know what they are dreaming to do, I see their talents and skills and remember what they are.

I remember a lot about my friends, despite me having literally hundreds of them. I often doubt my capacity to remember so much about so many people, but time and time again I prove that I remember more than people expected me to. I remember things they often forgot they ever told me.

I am good at making people laugh. My opinion of my jokes has always been low, since I'm naturally inclined to describe them as "stupid jokes", but I've been realizing I need to redefine my perspective and call them silly jokes because those who receive them don't think they're stupid. My fiance fell in love with me because of these ""stupid"" jokes, so clearly there is some merit behind my silliness.

I am good at entertaining others. I give them something which makes their day better.

I am good at engaging people. People who otherwise wouldn't have been active, see me talking to them, see me engaging them, see me giving them talking material, and they get into it with me, in a way which draws them in and makes it so they are more inclined to hang around. I draw people in and get them invested.

I am good at providing support. I often doubt my ability to give meaningful advice, yet to those who have received my advice, it has made a world of difference and done them a world of good. They got told exactly what they needed to hear, in order to gain the strength to go on and do things they otherwise wouldn't have done.

I am there for people who need me. I'm not often called upon, but whenever someone reaches out to me, I am there, and I know when I need to be the one reaching out to them. I will drop everything to attend to a friend's needs.

I give great love and support.

I cheer on the accomplishments of others. I am ridiculously proud of them and encourage them to keep going, they just did something they should be proud of and their amazing accomplishment is something to be seen as the wondrous thing it is.

I celebrate all of the good in life. I will be there for others to celebrate their good, and I will be there to help them see the good in a situation where they otherwise wouldn't be able to.

I help get through the bad periods in life. All of the bad people deal with, I help them deal with, cope with, move on from, live through, get through, and see the brighter side of, to see through the dark times and to shine that brilliant light.

I am a Breeacon of joy and positivity.

I have so many lived experiences, I can weigh in on nearly any experience, but I also have a fairly good sense of when it's unwanted, and can stay back and just give that love.

I have an amazing capacity for love.

I have nothing but love to give to the world.

I see the beauty in so many who otherwise wouldn't see it.

I see so much good in so many things.

I see the world for the beautiful, wonderful place it is, and all the beautiful amazing people within, who I love to uplift.

I love everyone so much. And while I am human, while I am limited in my capacity to provide love to a finite amount, and as a consequence some receive more love than others, that does not diminish that I have the love for all, I just have the limitation of not being able to express it to everyone to the capacity they so truly deserve from me.

​I stretch those capacities to the limits, finding ways to love those who I by all rights shouldn't have the time/energy to love, and yet I pull it off at least adequately.

​Every day, I have people who appreciate my humor. Often numbering in the dozens, if not hundreds. People find me funny. Selfishly, I want that to be acknowledged.

Every day, people thank me for the support I give them. Often numbering in the dozens. People appreciate me. People think I make their lives be better. Selfishly, I want that to be seen and accepted as true.

Every day, I have people who thank me for weighing in with my advice, my perspective, my support. An average of three to twelve people per day go through a trying experience, see my input, and come out of that feeling better, feeling more direction, feeling like they have more positive outlooks on their future than what they had before.

Every day, the love I give others makes a difference in their life.

I am a healer.

Time and time again, I have been told I heal people.

I get better and better with time at healing others.

The more experiences I go through, the more I help others, the better I get at helping others.

Selfishly, I want that to be seen as true, and known as a quality I should be known for.

I do have to give the obvious caveat. I suck at healing those who I have hurt, and the number of people I have hurt is plenty. A lot of the people who I hurt got badly hurt, in part because of how much I helped them before, in part because I was a healer for them. Having their positive outlook on me shattered hurt deeply and made bad wounds which only got worse by every time I botched the healing process.

But selfishly, I want my growth in recognizing these limitations recognized.

Selfishly, I want the betterment of my approach to be recognized--that I am working on it, that I am improving, that I am working to be better at not making things worse.

In a very direct, very blunt, very thorough reading I got done, I got the clearest possible reading that was as unambiguous as it could be in telling me what to do:

I need to come from a place of love, not from a place of trying to fix things.

I have not mastered this skill. The best I can really think of is to focus on listening to them. To go, basically, "okay. <3", where I listen and show I am listening. Where I am not saying too much, where I am not trying to fix things, but where I show I am listening, that I have learned, and I am here to hear them. I shouldn't explain unless explicitly asked to give my perspective, and I shouldn't say nothing at all. In the past I made the mistake of not conveying that I am hearing them, and in the past I made the mistake of trying to fix things by explaining to them. I need to do neither, and convey just that I am listening, I am absorbing, I am there, I am taking it all in.

And I know. That's probably not the best way to "come from a place of love". It is still a skill I am learning. I know I need to come from a place of love and a lot of my focus has been on getting better and better at coming from that place of love.

Selfishly, I want people to acknowledge I have made that growth, I am putting in that effort, I have gotten better and better at empathizing, I am better at seeing the perspective of others, I am validating them, I am acknowledging them, I am respecting them, and I am working on helping the healing process.

Selfishly, I want to be seen as having made a great deal of growth in being a healer and healing even those that I have hurt.

I am listening.

I am giving love.

I hear them.

I have nothing but love for them. And selfishly, I want them to see that, too. That I do have that overwhelming love for them. Perhaps too much, and that's fair. It's fair if my love is too much, if it's overwhelming. I learned that lesson years ago actually, and since then have tapered off on being smothering with love, to a level far more appropriate. Selfishly, I want them to see that I love them, in a pure way, that I give to them freely as much as their boundaries allow me to.

And, selfishly, I want it to be acknowledged I do respect those boundaries, to the best of my knowledge, to the best of my ability. I clearly have crossed some, no matter how accidentally, no matter how unintentionally, but I corrected the behavior, I learned from it, and got better and better at following it.

Selfishly, I want that I have grown and am still be growing to be seen and acknowledged.

​It's also very hard for me to write this blog, even labeling it as selfish, because of my natural fears and inclinations.

I am terrified that the good I have done will be destroyed by acknowledging it is good I have done.

I am always worried that by admitting I have done good, the good I have done will be corrupted, tainted by a "clearly, I did this for an ulterior motive", that by having seen it as good it will stop having been good.

Selfishly, I want to take that risk.

It's very hard for me to say all these good things about myself.

I always worry about being a braggart.

I am terrified I will cave to narcissistic behavior from having acknowledged all these positives.

I am always worried about somehow deluding myself into somehow thinking I am better than I actually am.

After all, how could I be good when I know all the harm I've caused and am here, just writing about all of these alleged positivities? How can I talk myself into thinking I do good despite knowing all the harm I cause? It's difficult to put this out, because it always feels like I am making it all up, that I am twisting reality and ignoring things how they are.

...And yet...

...the true twist of reality is that mindset.

Every reading I have gotten has told me the exact same thing.

​Every time, I keep being told, I need to do self-love.

Every reading, I am getting told to acknowledge I have a lot of good traits.

Every time, I am being told not to bad-mouth myself.

Every reading, I am being told to reframe things and see the good in me.

Every time, I am told, I need to acknowledge, I am good, I deserve good, and that I do good.

I keep being told over and over again, to be proud. Be proud of myself, be proud of what I have done, be proud of what I do.

That I have skills, I have talents, I have merits, things that I am good at doing without even realizing I am doing it and doing it well.

Every time, I get a reading telling me to hold my head high, and accept my accomplishments.

To accept all the good, and how much I have grown. I have grown so much. I am doing great.

I get told to keep going with what I am doing, to keep growing as I have been.

I struggle to accept these things, because my anxieties and my imposter syndrome keep telling me I am delusional to think I am great, that I am living a life worth living.

I focus on the negatives, I focus on the bad, I focus on the flaws, on everything which has gone wrong, on all the pain, and I see it, amplify it, and make it worse, because that's all I can see in myself, I see myself as the darkness I fear within me. My depression makes me see all of the bad and think maybe those who see me negatively are in the right and that the world would be better without me.

...And yet...the true delusion is those anxieties.

My imposter syndrome clouds my ability to see what I should be acknowledging.

So as selfish as it is...please. Let me acknowledge it.

I am growing.
I am learning.
I impart my wisdom onto others.

I have grown from being nothing but a student, into the role where I am equal parts both.

Or even to the point where I am more teacher than student.

People come to me seeking advice on plurality, despite my mental perception of me not being an expert.

People come to me about LGBTQIA+ matters, despite my mental perception of having much to learn.

People come to me to help overcome loss, to overcome grief, to overcome negativity, despite my hurdles with overcoming them.

I am seen as a leader, as an important member of the community, as a teacher, as a healer, who can help them.

​So let me be selfish, by embracing that I am those roles, and that my life is a beautiful one with much to offer.

I'm so tired of life struggles.
I'm so tired of losing money.
I'm so tired of dealing with the drain on my life.
I'm so tired of having to adult with all of the things.
I'm so tired of having so little time every single day.
I'm so tired of being forced to choose between essential things.
I'm so tired of not being able to live life in the moment.
I'm so tired of regretting it when I do decide to live in the moment.
I'm so tired of being unable to get more things done.
I'm so tired of not working out.
I'm so tired of my body failing.
I'm so tired of the amount of self-care I need.
I'm so tired because I might be sick, potentially from burnout.
I'm so tired because I haven't been able to sleep, despite good mental.

I'm so tired of being unable to write the blogs I want to write.

I'm so tired of being so tired.

And yet so far the frustrations in life keep piling up, so I am so tired without any end in sight.

It's just one of those weeks I guess.

I have a lot of thoughts I want to write about, but when it comes time to write them, I don't really know what to write. I have half-written affirmations, self-love preaching, but don't have the spoons rn to compile them into something coherent and useful.

There's a big blog I want to make later in the month, but until then, I kinda feel like I should go into life but also my philosophy a bit and the love within.

I do occasionally slip to my shadow self and feel my shadow self's negative emotions/feelings, but I know those shadow self negativities are driven by a deep pain, a deep hurt I felt. I got very very badly heartbroken, and the pain came from both blaming myself and hating myself whenever I wouldn't blame myself especially if I directed that blame elsewhere.

There's the occasional temptation to blame others, to wish ill on others, but I know it comes from a shadow self that is lashing out from a place of pain and being hurt--and by recognizing this, the feelings very quickly pass, and I remember all that pain was born from a deeper love. The love that I feel is stronger than the negative intrusive thoughts, is stronger than the impulsive thoughts that pass the moment I let them go.

All I have to offer the world is love.

The love I have for all may seem impossible to accept is real. And to be sure, I've made mistakes in expressing it. I didn't have love for all eight months ago, back in July and August. It took a breakthrough in empathy from realizing a truth and what that truth meant for the motivations of someone else and me seeing their perspective to awaken me to that love, and once I did, I came to a place of greater understanding.

Greater, but not perfect. I certainly try my best, but I continue to make small mistakes. It took until recently to realize that I shouldn't try to fix things, that while my love meant I wanted to, that trying to fix things wouldn't help the people I love, not like that. Love is important to give, but some problems aren't mine to fix. To be sure there's some I can help with, but the problems I tried constantly to fix for months weren't mine to fix.

I have given up on hatred, and for the second time in my life, am working on removing it even towards myself. Any negative emotions I would be tempted to direct towards others, I stop, hold, breathe, and redirect. I remember the love, I wish them the best, I respect them, I accept all of the things that have happened including their path, I accept both that I am not bad but that I am not in their life, so I don't get to dictate anything.

I'm probably badly explaining this. But basically, I know not everyone wants my love to be expressed to them. I have the love for them, and it will never go away, but I can accept they won't want it from me while still being able to not wish ill of them. I can wish them well, or at least not wish ill on them.

I can forgive myself, I can love myself, I can love others, and I can help the world.

I have no ill will to give anyone. Within the accepted boundaries, I have only well-wishes and love to give to everyone. I know there's only so much I can give. I have limits. I have too little time in the day and too little energy. So there will always be an inability to help literally everyone. I'm still going to help as many as I can.

I'm going to take that action though. I am going to help others while also helping myself. I'm going to stream. I'm going to write. I'm going to succeed. I'm manifesting my goals, and I am not going to cave in or give up.

I have to share my love with the world, and it's beautiful. I know it's not going to go perfectly. I know I still have room to grow. I know I've done imperfectly, and will continue to make mistakes. But, I am going to do my best, as I have been. And my best now is better than my best eight months ago. And my best in the future is going to be even better.

I am always pursuing the path of fewest regrets, the path where I am most happy with my decisions, where I can be okay with it even when I mess up. I am pursuing the path where I don't hold onto arbitrary morals or rules. Rules and morals are good to have...but none of them are so perfect as to work for literally 100% of all situations. There are always exceptions, and when holding onto those rules causes harm...let go of the strictness and follow the heart.

I am listening to my heart over my head. My brain lies to my, my instincts are good. Logic can lead me astray, but listening to my instincts usually tells the truth. I am embracing the love I have for all, and embracing I am good at helping people, and embracing I am funny, and embracing I bring joy and positivity, and embracing that I am in my element.

I know my life isn't balanced, but I'm getting it closer to. I'm streaming more, I'm writing more. I'm embracing that 2024 is my year, is the year of those I love, is the year of healing. I am embracing the love, and going forward with the energy of a healer, who heals, who brings peace, who brings goodness to those I can have the energy to help.

And I do it not by trying to fix things. I do it by being there for them, and giving what I can give, to those who choose to have me there.

I'm rambling, and I lost what I was going for. But basically, I know most people are good. Not perfect, all humans are flawed. But those flaws don't mean they cannot be lived. They deserve to live life and as long as they are working on improving themselves and regret their past mistakes, then I will willingly embrace them and call them friend, because they are good even if they don't think they are.

I want to follow my heart, and help others to.

It's a lot of work, and I won't be able to do it all, but I'll do my best and do as much as I can. <3

I've been streaming, I'm working on my novel but not nearly as much as I ought to, I should look into sponsorships, my discord should be set up, my twitch is good, today we made it as a streamer--I've had graphic artist bots before, but today I got followbotted so now I've made it.

...but I do know where I want to focus.

I want to stop stressing about finances and success.

I know I can succeed. As long as I am doing the thing, I will. I may not know what I need to do exactly, I know I still have much to learn, but I also know to manifest it I need to believe I am manifesting it. I need to believe I can. I need to believe I can succeed. I need to stop doubting myself. I have talked the talk--it's time to create. I know what I am aiming to do, so I am going to do it. It will require me to learn things I haven't learned yet (and I'm not sure what), but I am going to do it.

I'm not quite clicking with what, but I know what not to think, I know better than to give up. So all I can really do is keep going forward.

I'm going to have the success I'm looking forward. The work builds on itself. I can do it. I'm not sure where to learn tbh, and that's an issue I need to fix, but, I will figure it out and go forward.