I'm sorry I wasn’t good enough.
I'm sorry I am not good enough.

I'm sorry for what I did.

I'm sorry for everything I have done wrong.

There are some things which I can never budge on--for instance, my belief that my fiancé deserves to live life, and that it’s okay for me and them to build a life together.

I can never be convinced letting my fiancé die when they were simply a friend was better than what I did, by showing them empathy and love and sticking by them. 

And in that set-in-my-ways decision, I am sorry. I know that my choice there carries consequences. It’s not something simple. 

But I am truly sorry. I mean it. I still messed up in badly harmful ways.

I'm sorry for all the hurt I have caused.

I really, truly am.

I don’t know how to prove I'm sorry with actions rather than just words, but I will try my utmost to love and live by the standard of empathy, healing, positivity, and joy, to show what I value and who I am.

When it comes down to it, I don’t really have any actions to my name and never will. As a child of the internet, all of me is defined by my words. So, I carry the responsibility of wielding those words with the care they deserve.

I have had my failures there, but I vow to do better and use my words elevate. Words are all I have to offer, so I bear the responsibility of making sure said words are uplifting. I promise to use my one gift for the betterment of all in my life. Both past, present, and future.

I am taking a vow to not speak ill of any in my life, past or future. (Well, there MIGHT be one exception, but that individual is genuinely psychopathic, and even then, I would only speak ill of them when in the context of educating. I don’t even like speaking ill of them, despite what they did.)

I promise to see the best in others, and while I can acknowledge a viewpoint, a perspective, which judges them as well as understanding how two people can be bad for each other and it's best they remain apart, I will never judge anyone in that negative light.

I know the consequences of a negative spiral of opinion revolving around an individual, and having seen the damage firsthand from that mindset, I vow never to repeat that mistake.

The world is filled with more good than bad--and I swear to elevate people so they can see that, in all aspects of their life.

I'm no Saint. I have my shortcomings, both past and present. I'm sure to have flaws in the future, too.

But I promise to, within my capacities, stay true to this path. I hope that is good enough for others. If not, then I am truly sorry.

Life is filled with too many wonders to forget. I just hope whoever eventually reads this can see the beauty in everything that I do. Especially yourself. <3

...I just have all these doubts about what I am doing.

But, I want to do the best I can.

I want to respect the space of those hurt, respect their boundaries, respect their decisions, accept their judgement, acknowledge my wrongdoing, and know that things will never be the same as they were before--

...But at the same time. I want to continue being myself. I want to continue doing what I always have: uplifting people, with joy and positivity. To tell my stupid jokes they find funny, to show them the better parts of the world, to remind them how awesome and amazing they are. To compliment them, to see the best in them and encourage them to see the best in themselves. To be an active force for good in their lives, to always be there through good and bad, and just be that force for good.

And that gives me constant doubts on every action I take. I am very good at doing the good for those who I have in my life--but those who I have hurt? Everything I do, I am constantly analyzing and wondering how I'm messing up. Am I doing too much? Am I not doing enough? I just don't know.

All I can really do is continue to do what I am. I don't want my wrongdoings to be what defines me. I don't want my mistakes to be who I am, what I am remembered by. I don't want my past regrets to continuously bring pain to others. I don't want the harm I've done to be what I am known by.

I want my life to be overwhelmingly defined by the good that I have done. I want my life to be filled with memories like that I have quite literally saved lives before. That's the character of me, the person who is kind and caring enough, who puts friends above all, who is a loving member of many communities I truly cherish. That should be my legacy.

Yet there is currently the stain on it which at times feels like it ruined everything. My actions have consequences. Most of those consequences are good, because most of the actions are good. But when the actions aren't good, the consequences aren't, either. And while I can very easily help other people fix their own lives...I don't know how to fix the damage I cause.

I do want to continue to spread my message of love though.

I have done wrong. I have messed up. My past actions, I regret. I caused great harm. I will be remorseful the rest of my life, carrying the burden of my sins with me forever. Yet, I want to atone, and I want to do better. I am not who I was when I made the mistakes I now condemn. I am always going to be who I am now.

I will always be there, for whoever needs me. I might not be able to do much, but I will do what little I can.

I know nobody really reads my blog posts, but were they to, I want them to always come away from their experience with a smile on their face, with my experiences having given them a more positive outlook on life, by letting them see my perspective and how it has helped them. I want to do that for all of you, no matter how little I know you.

I love everyone who has been in my life, and everyone who continues to be in my life. I will continue to build a better future for all, and to try and heal the present and future of all who cross my path with my positivity and joy. I am not perfect. I am human. I won't do as good as I want to, but I will still be doing the best I can.

And everyone deserves all that love and support. You deserve my love and support. You are wonderful, no matter your mistakes. You are better than you think you are. You are worthy of being loved, and are loved by more than you know. You make a difference in this world, and the difference you make is a good one. You touch more than you can ever realize, and those you reach are better because of your influence on them.

You may mess up, you won't do perfectly, but that's okay. You are all the more beautiful for your wonderful journey. I wish you nothing but the best and hope every day treats you well.

Love you, and hope you find the path you want to travel, and succeed on it. <3

Weebly logged me out of my desktop and since my fiance and I are both suffering gurgly groans, we're at home rather than family night, meaning I can actually do a desktop blog. That allowed me to review when my page views spiked. I hadn't been blogging for three months. My last blog was on November 3rd, but I got a spike in views around December 4th - 6th. Since I wasn't blogging in that time, something caused a sudden rush to my blog in that time.

At that time, on December 3rd, I announced my engagement in every discord I'm in, and on December 4th in nearly every discord, shared we had also gotten an apartment. But that was it. I had, privately, been wanting to get back into blogging. Mentally, I went, "after we have a place and have internet, I'm going to resume blogging and share all the life updates". But in that timeframe, something drove people here, a place nobody ever bothers to view.

My own fiance knows I have a blog, but doesn't read it.
My previous partner/good friend knew I had a blog, but rarely if ever read it.
I know my page views per day, especially when active. One page view per day is the average--aka, the page view automatically made by me when generating my blog post.

So like...a small part of myself is wondering if someone had the malice to deliberately go out of their way to show me at my worst as I was celebrating me at my best. But I would certainly hope not. Nobody actually reads my blog, except apparently the very worst which was something people were pointed to, so clearly someone did do it--yet I would certainly hope whatever motivated them to go here at that time was not malice.

After all...I have done great harm. I did write some very bad things. There were implications there--inaccurate implications, implications which if I explained, people would understand what I wrote was worse than what actually happened, but implications nonetheless. I did say some very harmful things. The things I said, I didn't believe. They were fueled by negative emotions chiefly anger and channeling my intrusive thoughts combined with imposter syndrome. But I still made the choice to say them. Regardless of my intention, regardless of how untrue they were, I still said them and reading them still caused harm to those who did.

I always had the best of intentions. When I said the harmful things I did, I genuinely thought that me saying them was for the best--I genuinely thought me saying them would help. I legitimately believed it was going to make things better if I aired them out. But I was wrong. My intentions don't matter--the only thing that matters is the harm I caused.

I was in the wrong. I was stupid. I regret what I did. I regret what I said. But I did it, I said it, and I will have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life. I made a series of mistakes. Very little good came of it. The only thing keeping me from saying nothing good came from it is that my actions literally saved the life of my friend, and said friend is now my fiance. But, that outcome was still possible without me having caused as much harm as I did, and that little bit of light doesn't remove the massive darkness of my actions.

I do have a very extensive notes section in my secret blog, where I have written hundreds of pages about that period in my life. I've had time to reflect and change my stances and opinions and to look back at things in hindsight. I now condemn myself for everything I did. I was almost entirely in the wrong. (Almost, because I can never accept letting my friend-now-fiance die would be acceptable. Any course which would've caused their death is fundamentally wrong because my friend-now-fiance doesn't deserve to die. On that one point, I can never be wrong. But on literally everything else, I was in the wrong.)

I condemn the wrongdoing done, and I condone the actions of those who acted against both myself and my fiance. They were right to have done what they did. I was in the wrong to do everything I did. What I said was harmful. What I did was harmful. I was in the wrong, they were in the right.

But since then, I have changed, and I have grown. I have identified where I went wrong, how I ignored the warning signs. I have seen my wrongdoings and been horrified by them. I have learned to see things from the perspectives, and to understand their viewpoints. I have come to see how my actions reflect in their eyes, and how they would see me, and I know how bad that view of me would be.

Especially since we have been trained to see only the worst in people--I'd know. Seeing the worst in people is literally what led me astray and got me in trouble in the first place. I was seeing only the negative and thinking things were worse than they were, which led me to a path that was itself going to make things worse due to the harm involved. And this was with some of my closest friends. So if we could get in to a negative feedback loop, seeing less and less of the good and more and more of the bad, then I know others will, too. And have me as the one seen in that negative light.

And it's justified. I am guilty. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could take it back. How guilty I am depends on how you frame it. You can frame it in ways much worse than it is, or frame it in ways which downplay it, but regardless of how guilty I am from the framing, it's unambiguous I am guilty. So I deserve to be seen negatively for my guilt. I regret it. I wish I could undo it. God, how much I wish I could take it all back. But I can't, so I will have to live with it the rest of my life. My guilt will haunt me forever, and it's deserved. Remorse is not enough to make up for past harm. Actions have consequences, the consequences of mine warrant punishment for the harm I inflicted.

All I can really do is try my best to atone. The harm cannot be undone. The hurt done can never be undone. Some bridges will be burnt with no way to ever be rebuilt--and I will need to respect that. I will need to not cause further harm by trying to rebuild a bridge which should remain broken. Yet, I still can try to make amends where I can. I...honestly don't know how. How do I heal? How do I help? I only know how to hurt, I don't know how to mend.

I am always afraid my actions will make things worse. Like, I know how to help others when I'm not the one who caused the pain. That's easy! I just be me and give them advice and give them someone to hear them and support them. But...how do I heal people when I am the one who caused their pain, their harm, in the first place? That, I don't know.

Still, I will do whatever I can. I'll try the best I can. And in terms of atonement, that can be done just by being me and doing what I have learned to do--be more empathetic, and see what they are going through, and help them. Uplift them. Be a voice of kindness and joy. Make them laugh, be positive, help them see the best, give them direction, etc. All of that, I am getting better at doing.

And that's who I am. When being honest with myself, that's what I am. Like, what I am is something nobody knows. Not myself, not anyone else. It largely depends on the eye of the beholder. Every perspective is valid. And there are those who think badly of me--they are valid, because to them that is what I am. But overall, despite me being that to those people, overall, I am better at being good than ever before.

There are more and more people who value my presence in their life. There are more and more people who I help. There are more and more people who appreciate me on some level. I don't like to brag or be arrogant or think too highly of myself. I fear the return of my peak arrogance which led to an unhealthy toxic narcissistic phase of my life. So I have to take caution about thinking I am great. I'm human after all, I'm flawed and imperfect. Yet, I still hold some value.

I should never brag about doing good because bragging about doing good means I'm not really doing good--but I think it's at least okay, in this blog setting, when talking about myself and my value, to say I do good at doing good. Not perfectly. Not as good as I want to. But, still a decent job. I am more defined by the good I do than by the bad which follows.

I don't want to ever pretend the bad isn't there--it's there, and it's very bad. The bad is very bad. But, the bad is overall outweighed by the good, when I stop to acknowledge it. I should never let the good justify the bad. The bad was never okay. The bad is not removed or covered up by the good. Yet, I am not defined by the good.

I'm defined by both the bad and the good, and of the two--the good is overall much, much stronger a force in my day to day life.

To put that into perspective, I have failed about 30 times in my life rather catastrophically. That's about one failure per year. It means 364 days, I do nothing but good, or at least okay. It's only 1/365 days which have gone horribly wrong with me having made egregious mistakes. That level of harm is still too high. But, it's not like every day I am failing as a human being in some monstrously hideous way.

I don't want to talk too much about how good I am or how the bad wasn't that bad. That's toxic behavior. So, I don't know how to really convey what I'm trying to get across. Basically, that the bad exists but is not all there is to me, that I am still by and large always who I have been, someone trying to do the right thing, trying to do good. I've had catastrophic failures, making disastrous mistakes. This year has had no less than eight of the thirty or so.

Yet, every time I mess up, I learn what I did was wrong, and adjust course. I do need to learn how to apologize, how to say sorry. It's not a skill I know.

Like, I say, "I'm sorry" all the time to people to express my sympathy, or even empathy.
How do I convey "I'm sorry" as not being that, but rather, me being genuinely legitimately remorseful, regretful, and agonizing over the pain I caused?

I always ruin it by being too verbose.

I always try to make sure my intention comes across, that I convey that I well and truly mean it, that I am well and truly sorry.

But I never can.

I don't know how to--it's not a skill I ever learned.

After all, if I only need to give it once every 365 days or so, it's a skill I wouldn't practice on those other 364 days when it's not needed. I only practice via saying the 'sorry' as expressing sympathy/empathy. I never can practice for being sorry for genuine regret/remorse, because that's something that you can only do when genuinely remorseful. And obviously, that's something you don't WANT to have 'practice' at, because the more practice you have at that, the more wrongdoing you have to have done.

If I am well-versed in how to say a remorseful sorry, it means I am well-versed in causing harm that warrants being remorseful. I don't want to ever be so well-versed in mistakes I can pull that off.

So...instead, I just...suck at it.

​I don't know what to do. I am trying. I want to heal things. And I know I can do better.

I know I messed up. I know my past mistakes warranted consequences, and that my past mistakes were very harmful. They were mistakes. They hurt people badly. So I deserve to have people think negatively of me. But I don't want that negativity to define me. I don't want to become nothing but a beacon of toxicity, of badness, of harm. I know I can't control how others perceive me--but I know that negative perceptions of me bring negative emotions, and I don't want them to suffer like that.

I don't want to be the cause of any pain or harm.

I want to be the cause of joy and positivity.

I am mostly good at it.

Not good enough, but getting better with time.

I know people believed I posed enough of a threat to warrant being removed from places. And, if no malice was involved in the reporting of the worst of my blog, then whoever brought it to others thought my stances and actions were worthy of reporting and wanted to sound the alarm and make places safer by removing me from them. And they are valid for it. They are justified for it. They are not in the wrong. Their perspective is valid, and the truth from their view and their stances. I can never disagree with them on their takes. They're right, at least right enough. Because of my guilty, my past actions I now condemn, seeing me that way is warranted.

Yet as warranted as it is...I know that longterm, that mindset is destructive. That mindset is literally how I got into a self-destructive mindset earlier this year. That mindset of condemnation is what I was doing, and it hurt everyone including myself badly. So, I know from firsthand experience how thinking negatively of someone, even if justified, harbors negativity and breeds negative emotions that bring further harm. The harm festers and causes longlasting pain and damage that never heals, because of that view.

So...it's not so much that I don't want people to think badly of me, as much as it is, I know people thinking badly of me is going to probably make their lives worse in the longrun. While I'm far from a paragon of virtues, I'm also not an evil bitch. I'm just an average human. An empath. I feel the feelings of others, see their experiences, and work to uplift them, and I'm pretty good at it! So having a person like that, a person like me, demonized by them means they are likely going to be demonizing other good people, people who are just people. And that is a pattern that is destructive and harmful.

I just want to help people see the best in the world. To see the positive. To see that most humans are good, even if their values and experiences differ. To see how most people are not worth condemning. To see how anger, hatred, doom and gloom, naysaying, and negativity are not conductive to them or to building a better world. To see how seeing the brighter in life allows them to see the brightest in themselves as well as in others and to do better in life and be better towards others.

Obviously, some differences are irreconcilable. I know that at least one bridge, even if I can help partially heal it can never be rebuilt due to a fundamental difference in opinion that cannot be overcome. And even if differences can be overcome in theory, often it's not worth it. And, often, the best thing to do is to cut people out who are not helping, because a level of selfishness is warranted. And, you get the idea. People can sometimes both be individually good yet be bad together; recognizing that isn't a bad thing and is in fact healthy.

But, I want to, just through my existence, slowly, gradually, be helping others.

The world is a beautiful place. People are beautiful and wonderful. Most humans are absolutely great. Just trying their best. And that includes any who would read this.

I'm quite sure nobody reads my blogs. Even if they did, they wouldn't read this one. It's too long, too rambley, and the start is probably a turnoff from reading the entirety. But, in the off chance you did, all I can really say is, Thank You.

You are better than you realize. You are worth more than you know. You make a bigger difference than you will ever realize. You make waves which affect others. Your ripples leave a positive impact. You are appreciated, and I love you. You are amazing. You are incredible. You are great.

I know I'm not as good as I need to be. I know I need to do better. I know there's a lot to improve. But I also know that the world can heal with time, and that no matter the mistakes you have made, you can help it do exactly that by just being you and helping people as you. That's what I am trying to do, so you can definitely succeed at it, too.

Love you, and wish you the best.

And well and truly:
Thank you.
​For everything.

No, I don’t mean "witch with a capital B".
No, I don’t mean evil, decrepit, or a hag.
No green skin, melting with water, or even villainy.

I mean witch as in, quite literally, a (semi)practicing witch, with what that entails.

No cauldrons, no boiling of kids, no naked celebration in the middle of the woods, and no evil spells.

Witch, as in, a spiritual person, who practices tarot and oracle cards, is attuned to spirituality and a higher self, is somewhat prophetic, knows healing spells/rituals to cleanse bad energy, etc.

That’s the witch I'm talking about.

I'm engaged to one, and will eventually become a practicing witch myself. But for now, only my fiancé is so attuned.

Yesterday, the MOMENT I made my blog post, my fiancé instantly had an anxiety attack. They didn’t know WHY, but they sensed SOMETHING was dire.

It was me.

They are so attuned to me that without seeing me or what I was doing, they could TELL something was horribly off, and they were panicked. They are that empathetic. That’s my witch, the love of my life.

Because of that incident, I have renewed my resolve to be better.

I can’t hide my bad mindset from them. So, for their sake, I need to get better.

I hope That’s okay with everyone. 

...but I didn’t get a chance to post it here until now.

Rather, I had the chance to.

I just didn’t have the mindset to.

Heck, I'm only blogging about it now because my mental health just took a turn for the worse.

Today, I was doing SO MUCH BETTER Than yesterday. I was doing SO GOOD. I had relatively high spirits, and even the Muse to write a second song! Two in two days, that was too good to be true, right???

...as it turns out?

...yes, in fact, it was.

My Muse is gone.

I have lost my will to write again. 

I'm barely holding on to my will to live, again.

My fiancé keeps planning for our wedding, which will be a Halloween 2023 wedding. But...
...I am genuinely not sure if I will be making it to there with how bad I am right now.

For their sake if nothing else, I need to get better.

I literally saved their life. My friend(at the time) would've been dead if I did what others wanted me to do; when I say I literally saved their life, I mean I genuinely SAVED them. 

And later, romance blossomed. That friend became my partner, and that partner became my fiancé when they proposed to me. 

It would be the greatest disservice to them if I saved their life only to myself die. I helped save them when they were going through something similar to what I am now; for their sake, I need to also survive.

It’s just that right now, it’s difficult.

And that is the perfect time to post this song, because this song is relevant to my feelings and how I am right now. Writing it helped me cope, so hopefully sharing it today will, too.

Big Sad:

[V1]
Everyone knows of my crime my mistake,
My regrets have come but it’s too late.
Actions of mine are now what I hate,
All their consequences I can’t escape. 

All my wrongdoings sadly on display,
Doesn’t matter if I am ashamed.
It matters not what course I will take,
My harm still causes irreparable pain.

[Chorus]
I'm tired of the sickness,
The sickness is my mind.
I'm surrounded by darkness,
Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,
No matter its divide.
Why can’t I just discard this?
I just want to live life.

[V2]
Empathy has taught me life's not a game;
Even were it I don’t want to play.
I always feel I ruin the hangs,
Why can’t I just bring joy to all my gangs?

My attempts bring such harm in a cruel fate,
Failures leave me in a sorry state.
Can the bad leave and the good please stay?
I want a coffin for demons to lay.

[Chorus]
I'm tired of the sickness,
The sickness is my mind.
I'm surrounded by darkness,
Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,
No matter its divide.
Why can’t I just discard this?
I just want to live life.

[Bridge]
It must exist,
A place where I uplift,
It must exist,
A place where I'm a gift.
It must exist,
A place where I cherish.
It must exist,
Why can’t I see it?

[Chorus]
I'm tired of the sickness,
The sickness is my mind.
I'm surrounded by darkness,
Why can’t it just be kind?

We're trained to see negative,
No matter its divide.
Why can’t I just discard this?
I just want to live life.

The good news is, I figured out why every time I am Lifeguarding, I get sad.
It has to do with no distractions.

It’s the same reason I felt sad yesterday.

In fact, it’s the same reason I feel sad every time I run out of discords to catch up on and across the board, I've done everything.

The bad news is why.

Whenever I am left alone with my thoughts, I feel well and truly alone.
When I am not actively on my phone with a task, I feel lonely.

I might actually be as bad as my blogs imply--or actually even worse.

It’s horrifying to think about.

When I feel alone, I reflect.
I think of the future, and all the sadness and pain likely to be there.
I think of everything I want to say, and the pain of knowing I likely never will.
I look back at what I ought to have said and done, and regret having not.

I look at all the hurtful things I have done, the pain it inflicted in others, see what I have lost from my actions or inactions, all the hurt I have inflicted, and how I have brought endless amounts of pain.

And when I am alone, that’s all I see.

I can’t see the other half of the coin, of the good I've done.

Every interaction I make, I question if it was good.

I kick myself for having said anything, because clearly my words only make things worse.

I feel isolated, trapped in my own mind.

I feel pain and regret.
I feel the hurt of others, the pain of everyone I've harmed, layered on top of my own pain.
My regrets are all I see.

And I feel truly alone.

Crying.

Just overwhelmingly a failure who is good for nothing but causing harm. 

Objectively, I know that’s not true.
I can see all the good I do when I'm in the moment of having done it.

But the moment I am not helping others, my good deeds are invisible to me.

I see only the bad.

I know that a lot of people have seen the worst of me, and chosen to break off from me in numerous levels, in various shapes. All justified, all warranted. There’s a great load of negative to see.

The problem is, I can’t join them in having created that distance from the bad. I can’t cut myself off.

So I carry it around me, all the bad, and I see only the bad and I feel so alone, because nobody who sees this bad wants to embrace me with it. Why would they? I wouldn’t embrace me, why should they so much as tolerate me?

Of course that’s not all there is to me.
I know that I do good.

But when I am not actively doing that good, all I see is the bad. I join the long list of people who focus on the negative, judge my character by it, and conclude that I am not worth having.

So, I am...just so scared.
And have this great sadness.

I love everyone so much, but I don’t feel like any of them should love me.

So to everyone, once again, all I can say is I'm sorry.

...and I am honestly not ready.

There’s so much to do.

We've got various legal things to do.

We need to get my fiancé set up on local insurance.

I've got meds to call in.
I've got a doctor appointment to reschedule.
I've got to book a new doctor.

We've got to clean our apartment.

We've got to buy more stuff.

We have to unpack our holiday goodies.

I've got to take care of my recovering fiancé.

I am so behind on everything, and there’s still so much I haven’t done which I need to.

My car is hopefully being fixed today, so I need to pick it up Friday.

And I need to stay on top of everything, while still handling crippling depression. 

To be clear, I am not as bad as my blog posts may imply. My blog has always told only part of the story of my life--and often exaggerates things because I use it to air out my emotions. (For instance, at my lowest point, exaggerating my monstrosity and playing into my anger. I am so very sorry for that.) In recent times, my sadness and depression is basically all you see.

For instance, yesterday, I was still able to find some love and joy. Just, not as much as I needed. My blog implied there was none at all. There was, it's just that something is dragging me down and minimizing what should be moments of bliss.

So. I am not as bad as my blog implies. My blog is never the most reliable source of anything. 

...that doesn’t mean I'm doing GOOD though.

I'm not as bad as my blog implies.

I'm still pretty terribly off right now though. I AM dealing with some form of debilitating depression, and I don’t know if I will ever be better. Even my fiancé can’t heal my wounded soul.

But, I'll somehow survive, and cope.

I can’t be my uplifting self if I can’t function at all. So to help others, I'll need to stay on top of this myself. 

I've got philosophies to elaborate on.
Uplifting hype to give.
Positivity to share.

I hope you can bear with me just a little longer.

I know most abandoned me, and/or were only interested in seeing the negative and didn’t stick around for the good.

But just know if you are seeing this, I love you and wish you the best, and I will continue fighting for a better future for you, and everyone you cherish in your life. 

And it seems so far, sad as it may be, my wishes are indeed impossible.

The gifts my family got me weren't bad.
In fact, a lot of them were good!

I received a gift from my brother, who previously hadn’t given me gifts--giving me hope for healing. Especially since his gift was one of the most immediately useful things I will need, given new living situation. (Equipment for my computer--very important for our aspirations.)

He not only gave a gift, but a very thoughtful useful one, too.

And my entire family is wonderful.

By and large, it’s amazing. The gifts given and received were great.

And there’s been a great deal of bonding. 

Yet despite me receiving the gift of potentially healed family and a wonderful Christmas...

...I still feel a deep sadness.
I feel a lack of Holiday spirit.
A lack of happiness and joy.
A feeling of ungratefulness. 

I am feeling unsatisfied.

And I don’t know why.

I have everything I should have ever needed or dreamed of.

So why am I so empty inside???

It can’t be any Flaw of my family. They’re being wonderful and amazing and incredible.

The fault is my own.
My heart is just filled with an emptiness, a sadness, and I just...want to enjoy the moments in life like this, that I am not.

Everything is going good and right.

Yet my heart can't perceive it so.

I truly am hopeless.

But I hope that with time, maybe, just maybe, I can heal enough to enjoy the gifts of moments like this before it's too late. 

I apologize to everyone that I am not good enough as I am right now.

But I promise...I know my faults are mine, and I will work to be better by this time next year.

I love you all, and you deserve my best.

I might not have it yet, but I will strive for it. I believe in my ability to achieve it, so please, bear with me and I promise you I will reach there.

Love you all, and have a wonderful Christmas and holiday season. 

I'm still not posting to my mirror or properly tagging these blogs and am not putting much work into writing them.

Today, I've been taking care of my fiancé. They are, hopefully, just a little bit sick. 

I'm somehow both in a depressive funk yet also feeling great. I'm both not doing badly yet also feeling like I am. Hard to describe.

I will say though that I did write to Santa this year.

I can’t believe in anything 100%. My heart and soul is too closed off to have no voice of doubt which prevents me from having absolute faith in anything--which is saddening, because it feels like without absolute belief, a part of my childhood wonder and joy has died.

BUT, despite no ONE-HUNDRED percent absolute complete total faith, I still have 99.99% faith in things. Which is the closest thing I can ever do.

And I have that 99% belief in a lot of things. Some personal version of God not matching any scripture. The Traffic Gods. Witchy stuff. Spiritual practices. Other people. And, yes, Santa Claus.

I have absolute belief in them, as close as I can to faith in them.

So, yes, I believe in Santa, and wrote to Santa this year.

I...doubt my wishes will be granted.

Aside from being an adult, I am also filled with enough shortcomings that if Santa delivered, I would likely be on the naughty list. Or my lack of true 100% belief would stop it. Or other reasons.  Maybe I wrote the letters to the wrong place.

That, aside from how my wishes are things I don’t think Santa can actually deliver.

They probably shouldn’t be mentioned before anyway, there’s probably a rule about not telling what you want.

I dunno.

But, I just wanted to share them anyway, to put the energy out there.

The three gifts I wished for were
Forgiveness, 
Joy,
And Healed Spirit.

Like I said. I kinda doubt Santa has the power to grant me any of my wishes.

But...they are what I want most of all.

I want to be seen as I am, flaws and all, but be forgiven for my past mistakes and seen as my truer self, the better positive side of me.

I want to spread joy in the world, by promoting laughter and happiness and non-toxic positivity.

And I want my spirit to be healed, to have that inner awe and wonder and joy restored within me, so that I can better accomplish that goal.

I know my wishes are too ambitious. I know I ask too much. I know I want the impossible. So, I know Santa can’t fulfill my wish, even if Santa wanted to. Santa would have every reason not to deliver me anything, yet alone, impossible intangible gifts like this.

Still.

I put it out there, because I want to do better. Next year, and for the rest of my life.

Well, if I can find the time tomorrow to start publishing these blogs, at least.

I more or less got told, "think positively, to manifest positivity". That the main wall to my goals, is myself.

And, well.

My goal is more or less, atonement for my sins.

It’s to spread joy.

It’s to promote healthy healing.

It’s to bring love, happiness, and laughter to all, especially those in need, especially those who I have damaged myself.

All I want is to do good for everyone.

Now, I don’t know how to do that.

It’s especially hard because I don’t feel like I am worthy to see myself in a non-negative way. I feel like forgiving myself would be disrespectful to them. The ones I hurt were hurt by my actions.

I can only be forgiven by them--never myself. I can want forgiveness, but I can't see myself as worthy of it, after causing that level of pain.

I have wronged them, so it feels like me being okay with myself is just fully embracing a level of denial and delusion towards how bad I was and how painful I was.

Yet, I am being told I need to. 

I somehow need to forgive myself, to better manifest my goals of healing others. That feels backwards and contradictory to me.

And even if it's right and I somehow do that...how do I manage to actually accomplish my goals?

A lot of it feels out of my hands.

I've had a desire to explain what happened in a neutral objective way, but I can't put it on my blog. Wrongly insinuating things on here is part of why people are hurting in the first place. This is a far more intimate issue.

I can’t talk to people unless they let me, though, and even if they are open to hearing me out, I don’t know how to explain things in a way which helps reduce the pain.

I was in the wrong and caused great harm, but I don’t know how to reverse the harm into healing.

I know, I know. I'm rambling. I'm sorry for the mixed, confusing message from here.

I guess, basically. I know I can, somehow, heal the wounds I created. I just don’t know how. I don’t want to forgive myself when I badly wronged people, but I also want to help people and the negativity is interfering with my ability to.

So, like. I don’t have a direction.

I'm hoping to get better tho.