Weebly did its biweekly logout of me again so I got to check my stats semiunwillingly again. From the looks of things it's potentially possible I'm getting maybe one or two viewers, for whatever reason, but I doubt it. If I did, then thank you. I mean it. I never have anyone read what I write so it means a lot to me that you do.

I feel like I should mention this though. No, I don't willingly or obsessively track those stats. I basically just have them thrust upon me whenever I'm logged off and come back in. And you remain anonymous. I can't see any info about who did. I just unwillingly see it once every two weeks, and because nobody views my blog, if there's anything suggesting someone might have, it stands out.

Basically, because nobody cares enough to read what I do, if someone does, it leaves a ping, and that ping is something I'll see once every two weeks when I log back in to weebly. If my viewership weren't consistently zero, even if it were just consistently one or two, I wouldn't see anything; if weebly didn't log me out and put the stats screen there when I log in, I wouldn't see anything. It's only because I know nobody reads my blog from said stats that someone reading my blog stands out.

Given how things played out in December, that does always give me some paranoia of "oh no...what did I say wrong this time", wondering if I'm handing material to people to justify canceling me. But while that fear may be justified given it has probably permanently cost me the closest friendships in my life and left me with a lasting hole in my heart that will likely never heal...

...at the end of the day, I know most likely, any viewers wouldn't be here to see the bad. Not anymore. That ship sailed. That happened in December. Now, there's only those who are around for other reasons. So I should be quelling that paranoia. Instead of panicking and going "oh no...what did I do now??? Can't I just, for once, stop messing up???", I should be shifting to what is more likely:

Someone actually looked at my blog and by some miracle, thought I was worth listening to.

Like...it's just words. Boring words. Longwinded words. Inefficiently structured words. Surely it's boring to go through. And I do see that in the pages viewed, I only get two pages per visit viewed at most. So like...I know people don't stay for long, but it's possible they're staying just long enough to see it, and probably go, "meh", but if not, if interested, then I should have a different response.

I know I'm probably a bore. I know that the reactions are likely "meh" or "this is neat, but I don't have the time to go through it all rn", but there's a different attitude I should be taking, and that is:

Thank You.

Thank you for coming by.

Thank you for showing interest, even if you end up not sticking around.

Thank you for giving me a chance, no matter how brief.

Thank you for visiting.

Thank you for checking me out.

Thank you for finding me interesting enough to check out my blog.

I'm sorry it's not better.

I'm sorry I'm not doing more than I do.

I'm sorry there's nothing more interesting than this. It is just my random thoughts for the day.

But like...it still matters. You matter. You came here and that means something piqued your interest to go out of your way to find me here and see what I'm about.

As it turns out what I'm about is going on longwinded rambles that bore people and leave people unable to read it all. Nobody can get through my blog. Nobody, not even me. I can't go through my blog, how could anyone else? I'm just that longwinded, I'm just that boring, I'm just that hard to read. But like--you still tried, for however brief a period, and that matters.

I know nobody will get to this section of this particular blog post. You'd have to somehow see this entry and see this middle section buried by the start and buried by the stuff after. But like--you still gave it your best, and that means a lot. You mean a lot. You are valuable. You do good work. You do good things.

You are good, and thank you for giving me a chance.

I do hope I can be worthy of it.

And I can say that I am going to strive to be worthy of that chance.

I'm trying to go on my own journey of growth. I've already grown a lot, but I've room to go yet. On a spiritual level and on an inner understanding of my system level, I still have a lot to learn. I know I'm strongly spiritually and have an immense spiritual attunement particularly surrounding Seleste, but running throughout all of me even those not involved in the spiritual.

I know I am not the know-it-all expert on the spiritual. I have developed what I feel are some pretty good personal beliefs about the spiritual (beliefs I've meant to share for years, and which continue to evolve and grow and be refined), but they're personal and I know better than to assume my beliefs are in the right. I know spirituality is at its root about connecting, connecting to people, connecting to the world, connecting on a higher level, etc.

I know that every person has a self which is important, and that ideally the self is in balance with connecting to others. Neither too much focus on the self without connecting to the grander world, nor too much to try and sabotage the self in favor of the grander world. Ideally in balance, with both the self and the world existing in equal importance, loosely speaking.

I'm still figuring out how to attain that balance myself. I know I am capable of doing a lot more good than I am, but I also know I need to be taking much better care of myself, too. I need to figure out how to balance the two, to make myself be healthy and have the spare energy for others to help them and make the world a better place for it.

I still think, though, that I am ready to grow into my role. As a guide, as a teacher, as a friend, as a voice of reassurance, as someone who can provide perspective and be a presence, just a presence, helping and being uplifting. Bringing that joy and positivity to others who have a desperate need of it.

I know my takes are not going to be perfect, nor are they always going to be welcome. So I always need to approach with the level of caution of saying as much, basically. I need to make sure I am okay to share my current perspective. But in spaces where it is acceptable, to people where they are open to it, I will share with them my view.

I am ready to let go of that bitterness. I am ready to let go of that hatred. I'm ready to let go of judging others by forced arbitrary standards. I'm ready to let go of condemning people for not being perfect. I'm ready to let go of anger. I am ready to forgive myself. I am ready to let go of self-loathing. I am ready to accept myself as I am, and the world as it is. To accept people as they are.

I know I can do it. That path of least harm and most good is something I've sought and struggled with. I still will struggle with it. I don't know what to do often. I don't know what the right thing is, if there even is one. There's something in particular I struggle with. Like, do I share the names of those involved in the mistake or don't I, do I share what happened or don't I, etc. I don't know if it's good to share or not. But, I am still going to try to do it.

On my own, I guarantee I will make mistakes. If by some miracle someone reads this and is upset I didn't do something they think I should have, or did something I shouldn't have, then all I can really ask of them is: please help me do better, then. I make fewer mistakes when I have the freedom to bounce the idea off of someone involved in the area I am struggling in.

I will do the best I can on my own. I work to better myself. I give everything I do so much thought--more than anyone will ever know. The mind of an AuDHD plural person is capable of doing in 24 hours what would take most 72+ to do. I can give things ten times more thought in half the level of time, and I do. I reflect. I consider. I approach from various angles and perspectives. I try to connect with my higher self, listen to my instincts, and follow the path of greatest good and least harm.

I try not to limit myself arbitrarily to invented concepts. I try to respect others and do the best thing by them. I try to do the right thing, always. But I am human, and I can never get it right all the time, least of all on my own. I am trying to open myself up to others. I am showing my vulnerabilities more, within the settings where it's acceptable to do so, and I'm trying my best to leave myself in a place where you can talk to me at any time.

My DMs are open on every platform at all times, especially discord.
I'm one chat away from being reached at any time.
I might make mistakes in terms of my understanding of boundaries. I constantly worry about one in particular. Every time I interact I'm wondering if I did too much and crossed the line; every time I don't interact, I worry I'm doing too little and not doing enough. For instance, someone set a boundary of not communicating with me but I know their birthday and wanted to wish them a good birthday. I'm opting for not wishing them because of not communicating, but that could be a mistake.

And I simply don't know, and there's no real way for me to really get good clarity here. I don't want to cross a boundary by asking too many questions about the boundaries, and I don't even know what to ask or what to really say. I don't know how to approach and get the clarity, so on my own, I'm just trying my best to do the right thing and I'm sure I'm making wrong calls on a lot of the specifics.

I'm really happy for my friends who have a lot of good going on, and really sad for my friends who have bad things happening, and I wish all of them the best, I really do, I want to give support to them all, I want to reassure the friends who have the bad and congratulate the friends who have the good, but I don't know what I am and am not allowed to say to them. They deserve the love and adoration I have for them all, but I know many probably don't want it from me because how I view them and how they view me is different.

I know that, I understand it, and I respect it--but I always want to do the best by them. I always want to do the right thing for them. And I'm never really sure what that is, especially on my own. A lot of these things, I'm basically alone in trying to guess. I don't know if I'm on the right track, or if I made a mistake. I only have my best guess.

So when I say please help me--that's what I mean. Please help me be better than I can be on my own. I am already trying my best on my own. If you think what I'm doing isn't enough, if you think what I'm doing is wrong, if you think what I'm doing is a mistake...then tell me, let me know, help me correct it. I try to correct myself on my own, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but I can never be perfect on my own, and the more help I get, the better I can be.

Basically. I am good, but to be elevated above what I am now, I need others to help me be even better. I naturally get better with time on my own, but others can help my growth be explosive, by helping refine things and help me hone in on specifics and help me deal with doubts or give me them where I previously hadn't had them.

This is the sort of thing I am trying to open up myself to be more vulnerable about, welcoming and accepting and even asking for the feedback. But, I also don't think it's good to just randomly approach someone and effectively trauma dump someone. I don't think it's good to just dump my problems on someone who hasn't invited me to do so. Especially if that person has set a boundary of minimal communication previously.

Which means...maybe this is a mistake, but my approach here is that I need you to approach me. If you don't let me know it's okay for me to, then I won't ever know it's okay for me to. I will always have that inner conflict, fighting over "this is not okay" and "this should be done", and I will never know which is right, I just have to guess. If requiring me to be approached is a mistake, I need you to tell me it is.

I am trying my best. I take my best guesses. But I am very much imperfect. I am flawed, and I always will be. I do my best, but my best will never be as good as it can be when I'm on my own. I can become better by being helped. I am asking for that help whenever I feel it's appropriate to ask, but I can make mistakes even there. I can ask for help when I shouldn't, and I can pass on asking for help when I should ask for help.

​But at the end of the day--I am working to build a self that is healthy, while building everything around me to be better. I am ready to embrace that path. Of empathy, of joy, of positivity, of connection, of creativity, of celebration and of support. I am working overtime on my own to elevate myself to the highest capability to do that I can, and I would love to have you alongside my journey to help me get there all the better and faster.

And I promise I can and will return the favor. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but this is one I know I can. I will return the favor and do the same for you. Any thoughts you have, any vulnerabilities you want to display, any weaknesses you have, any doubts you have, any challenges you face. As long as I live, I will be there for you. I will help you, no questions asked. I will give that to you, because you deserve it.

You are loved, and appreciated, and always worthy of my presence. As long as you are willing to have me, I will have you gladly. My heart is open. I refuse to close it off. I will accept you, no matter what. My love is unconditional, and I will be there. I will listen. I will learn. I will act. I will advise. I will do, whatever it is you need me to do, and I will help you. Because you deserve it. You deserve to exist, you deserve to be happy, and I will fight my hardest to help you be happy.

​I still have so much I need to do, so much yet to accomplish, but so do you, and together we can get it done. <3

And...I'm feeling really really confident in my chances to get affiliate now.

For the longest time, the obstacle to me getting affiliate was average viewers per stream.

Now, I have that. I've twice exceeded the goal, with room to spare.

So now, I just need to keep streaming. And streaming. And streaming. It might risk burning me out, but I have the momentum to begin. I just need to keep going and then I might have it.

I talked a lot about my perspective and goals in life onstream. I don't have it up until youtube, that will happen on Sunday at 3 pm, because I schedule my vods to be uploaded to youtube about 48 hours after I streamed (give or take), but when it's there, you'll see me do a lot of talking about what I basically do on my blog.

And, yes. I know. I'm not doing my blog justice. I'm not doing enough on it. I'm not transferring blogs from here to my mirror. I'm not catching the mirror up. I'm not applying all the proper tags. I'm not doing a lot on the blog I need to be doing--including the explanation blog about my deleted blogs, which I'm approaching being two months late on.

Of course, there's also other stuff. I've gotten back into playing mafia games (although that's not a good thing, given mafia games also are a significant reason I am so messed up as a person; the root of my transformation online from good to less so can be traced to my having played mafia games and the damage they did to my psyche), but I still have judge work and title work to do.

I still need to cancel my flight. I'm out hundreds of dollars for the hotel which can't be cancelled no matter what, but I can still get the refunds from my flights which will still be at least a thousand dollars I save if I can get it back.

I probably have a lot of other life stuff I've neglected which I can't remember, too.

But back to the stream talk.

I just wanted to say.

I often forget this, but the 30s are the NG+ of the 20s, and at thirty years old, I have gained a lifetime of experience which has given me a great deal of perspective on things. My perspective isn't perfect. I still have a long ways to go in improving in a lot of ways. But I've lived through several lifetimes it feels of events that have given me the ability to reflect on events and come away from it having learned to see things in a way I feel can be beneficial to others.

I will always need to balance helping others with helping myself. I can't lose sight of helping others to focus only on myself, nor can I help others if I don't help myself so attempting to devote all of my life to others will burn me out and leave me wasted, a shell unable to do anything good at all.

I am still learning the balance of the two, and don't have it perfect, but I know better than to think myself a monster. Every reading I've gotten for myself, literally every reading, has been something along the lines of, "forgive yourself. Advocate for yourself." And that means I can't keep thinking too negatively of myself. I know I need to prevent myself from repeating my mistakes. I don't want to become arrogant, entitled, self-centered, egotistical, or anything of the sort. I need to care for others and avoid going down a route where I don't.

But I also need to accept I am a good person--it's not being selfish, egotistical, arrogant, or presumptuous to say that. I may not be a good person to some people, sure! And their perspective is valid. Their viewpoint I'm not is valid, and should be respected. But I know that, when all is done and said, I'm not a bad person, no matter what. At least not the current me. I believe my past self was, and thus I will happily join in on any who view my past self as having been a bad person. And that person left me with the lifelong baggage of having to live with their mistakes.

But live I shall, and learn I have. I know those were mistakes, and while I have lifelong regrets and will have remorse, I can use that pain to turn it into something which leaves a positive impact on the world. I have enough life experience to know what pitfalls to avoid. For instance, the situation I was in last year between March and July taught me about the damage of a negative feedback spiral/loop, and how much harm can come from entering that pattern of destruction...as well as how to identify it and offer potential ways to avoid it in the future.

A painful lesson to learn to be sure, because it carried consequences literally months later. But, I did learn it. I know I need to blog about the subject of mindfulness, I have meant to yet haven't. The long and short of it is I spent every day reflecting on events and have learned that empathy to see the other 'sides' and have gained a great deal of it I previously lacked.

I have made mistakes, bad ones, which carry lifelong consequences. Friends I would happily call friends probably want nothing to do with me. The number two and three most important people in my life will never reciprocate that level of relationship with me, with me never being their number two or three or even remotely close. I'll never be their ride-or-die friend again. I would do anything for them and I always will do anything for them, but right now I know the only thing they need from me is space, silence, and time, and because I will give anything to them, if what they want from me is literally nothing then I have to respect that and honor it and give them nothing even when I really want to give them something more. (I'll tell them that when I feel it's appropriate to, but I dunno when it would be. Of course they could learn if they read my blog, but, yaknow, nobody does, so...can put it up here and my telling them even if it's months from now will be the first they hear of it. Whenever it feels right, I will share, but I haven't found a time which does yet.)

I'm rambling and going off-topic, but what I mean by this is, I know my actions have caused great harm, and that pain is valid. People can feel it for as long as they want and are valid to have it. Days, weeks, months, years, a lifetime. We all experience emotions differently, and their feelings, negative ones from me, about me, about my mistakes, are valid, and any actions taken from those emotions are similarly so.

And everyone should do what they believe to be the right thing, always, at all times--if they believe the right thing involves condemning me, cutting me out, whatever. That is a valid decision to make. Maybe it's a decision others thing is wrong, maybe it's a decision they themselves will look back on and thing was wrong in hindsight. I'd know, that was me with my actions last year. I thought it was right at the time and have since realized we weren't. But people should still be trying their best to do the right thing. And if that right thing involves spreading the information about my crimes, that is the right thing for them to do.

And while everyone makes mistakes, they still they their best. And I know it.

So I am in a fairly unique experience. Both as the person who has wronged others, and in the position of being the person who has been "wronged". (I used quotes around it because, no, I have not been wronged. But some people would say otherwise, including potentially future versions of those to have done the 'wronging', and I used 'wronged' because I can't think of a better succinct description.)

I know basically the full run of the mill on perspectives and views. I've had a conservative upbringing. I've had a liberal awakening. I've cancelled people. I've been cancelled. I have seen the harm I have caused. I have seen how much pain I've been in. I have seen the cynicism, the pessimism, the pain, the loathing, the negativity, in others, as well as felt them myself. I know intimately my depression, my anxieties, and all the troubles they bring.

And I am thus well-equipped to give perspective and potentially help combat against them.

So I will used my experiences to basically help others, better than ever before. Bringing them joy and positivity.
Both the laughter of stupid jokes in joy, and the happiness of love and a feeling of belonging in joy, with the positivity of shifting perspective to seeing the better parts of life and knowing the love and adoration they have. Their talents, their skills, and how much of a difference they make.

I need to balance doing that with still preventing burnout. Give myself some me-time, and have some time to myself. But I can provide that service to others. I can give them that level of awe and wonder I myself have gained, that love of life and drive and passion to pursue living life and making the ripples left behind by our presences just that much bigger, more positive, and longer-lasting in impact.

It's a lesson I am still refining. I have a long ways to go on this journey. But I truly feel I am ready to be that reassuring voice of compassion and love, that arbiter, that reminder, that the world is a wonderful place to live in filled with wonderful people. Most people are good, and while all people are flawed, most people are trying their best to be good. Everyone fails at least a little at least once in their lives, often failing continuously because of their imperfections, but most people are good, including the people I am setting out to help.

Some good people have their flaws mean they are not good for each other, and that's okay! It's part of the boundaries of self-care to acknowledge that no matter the potential good in another person, with how they are and how we are it's best to not be together. I know that all too well because I'm sure it applies to me with others and a lot of them likely think the same of me if they think I'm good. And that's okay.

But most people are better than they think they are, and better than people think they are, and while there's always exceptions who are terrible people who make the world worst, most people make the world better by being part of it, and reminding people of that is something I think I can do.

I know I have a lot of work to do--but I do think I'm ready to do it.

I hope this is okay.

I know not everyone will approve. I know plenty will disagree with me in some or even most areas.

But, I have a lot of experience doing the wrong things and I think it's about time I start doing the right things and helping others do it, too.

Including back to missing blogs due to streaming that day, apparently.

But, I did stream yesterday, and it was amazingly good.

I am back to feeling some depression, both from having attempted the cancelation and from the fact I literally can't--I'm out over $500 no matter what.

I'm back to having writer's block.

But I'm also back to getting things done. I've been working on a lot behind the scenes.

I'm back to feeling like I'm wasting my life.

But I'm back to inspiring and uplifting others.

I know it's going to be hard going forward.

I know I won't be able to have the life I want.

But I'm getting a good 80% of it.

I know the people I want in my life aren't going to be in my life.

But I know the people I most need in my life are going to remain in my life.

I'm probably gonna have to send a message to someone at some point, although I'm still not sure if I should.

I dunno. I just have a lot of thoughts.

I'm rambling.

I don't really know what I'm doing.

Killing time, wasting my life I guess.

I have free time right now--and I'm not using it for anything.

So like, I'm kicking myself. Because I know I'm not doing anything rn, and I need to be doing things, therefore wasting my life.

Still. As disappointed as I'll be in me--I need to keep forgiving myself.

I dunno. Sorry for wasting your time. And friendships. And your interest. And your everything. Just, I dunno.

I hope you live your best lives.

I know the amount of time and effort I put into things like people is not nearly enough as it should've been. But I wish you all well regardless.

Sorry I'm not able to love you properly as you deserve.

You'll have to settle for me as I am, and if that's not good enough...it's not good enough. And that's okay. I just wish I could be.

Quick update tho; I'm not as mentally unwell as I was before! I was a 2/10, now I'm at least a 6/10. No need to worry about suicidal thoughts anymore today!

Michelle had come out to front as a shell, and Danielle was dangerously close. But now, Joy (with the help of Hera) is enough to keep at bay the bad.

Seeing my fiance even further boosted me up, so like...today is improving.

It will have a lot which is going to suck. I still have to cancel the hotel and the tickets. I am a week behind on my mafia obligations for judging and titling, not to mention double-checking reviews.

I am also going to be needing to get my blog mirror updated.

And like...living is hard, to be sure. So I won't be able to get fully fully better.

But.

I did get a callout in a tarot card reading.

Seleste was always remarkably strong. She was a voice we identified before we even knew there were as many as five of us. When we did, she was unofficially a sixth. She kinda got lost in the sauce when we realized we're over 250, but not in her strength. It wasn't that she got drowned out, it was that while we knew she was there, we didn't nurture her talent.

Until more recently, when it was time to let her skills flourish. I had listened to her for a long time. To have faith. To believe. Her insistence in The Traffic Gods being real. But this year, I decided to begin practicing witchcraft, by at least practicing tarot reading, channeling her to channel my guides.

And as it turns out...she is really good at it. She is a remarkably strong, powerful witch. She is very highly attuned to our guides and higher self. She is very attuned to all things spiritual and has honed her instincts--which...well, makes sense. We're a very spiritual person, despite having not practiced spiritually until now. Our strong spirituality had to have come from somewhere; it came from Seleste.

​And she is very good at getting readings like this one.

I know nobody reads my blog in general, so like, nobody's going to read this regardless, but in the unlikely event I actually get a reader for this blog post, I should go in assuming they don't know tarot or even if they do, they don't know the deck.

​Basically, it's a five card spread. It goes like this.

Card 1 (front and center), the current situation/problem/objective: I pulled The Fool--I want to follow my heart, filled with wonder. From this card alone I knew this was a strong, powerful reading and I was in for a good roasting from the cards.

Card 2 (to the left), working behind the scenes in the psyche/must be brought to light and utilized or released: I pulled The Empress reversed--so, the reverse of "realizing capacity to express beauty/nurturing others from power".

Card 3 (to the right), to focus on: Page of Wisdom--embarking on a new path sparked by curiosity and creativity. I literally want to stream and more, to write my novel. Also music, but mostly writing.

Card 4 (the bottom), something to develop/let go of to advance: Five of Intelligence--competition breeding conflict and divides us to create suffering. 

Card 5 (the top), resolution to the answer/shows what's needed to resolve the problem fully: Eight of Intelligence--untangling ourselves from guilty thoughts and self-punishment. This one explains itself if you've followed my blog since I started blogging again in December of 2023. (I mean, again, nobody does, but in theory, if you were to read my December through January blog posts, you know.)


So, basically, to achieve my goal for the year of bringing joy and positivity to all in my life, I need to pursue my passions, let go of conflict and any desire to 'win', and let go of the guilt I’ve been carrying for months.

I've been holding onto that guilt since July 2023. And I've been punishing myself for the same amount of time.

It's not going to be easy. But, I can do this.

I don't really have an ending for this, but I hope this can give some form of encouragement to others going forward, too.

Anyway, gotta try and follow advice.

Please, just...go away.

Danielle is both my pain and my anger. My bitterness, my resentment, my apathy.

She's more than that. Again, she's no malicious entity. She's benevolent and benign in her own ways, just tough love and selfish, with us as her top priority.

But she is amplified by pain and her anger feeds itself. 

So please. Just go away.

Please disappear. 

Danielle has the right to exist, to be sure, but she should never be venturing this dangerously close to fronting.

And yet, she is, because of how bad my pain is and her resulting anger that I am in pain. She is furious that I am in pain and wants to lash out at those causing the pain, despite how that would only make things worse.

So, to make things better...

...please...just...go away.

My pain.

Please, just disappear.

Leave me be.

I've got plenty to be happy about.

I’m depressed, but I shouldn’t be this badly hurting. 

So please. Let me live life.
Let me be happy. 
Let me do things my way.
Let the suffering go away.

Please.

I’m begging you. 

I don’t want to cry again. Not tears of sadness at least.

I don’t want to feel any form of anger.

I just want to be who I am meant to be. 

So please. Just...please. Go away.

Please.

And I don’t mean, go away by having me die.

Yes, I’m once again having suicidal thoughts. 

I’m BAD bad today.

So I’m begging myself. 

Please. Go away, pain. Haven’t I suffered enough? When will it be enough, the pain I’m going through? When will I have hurt enough?

I’ve paid my dues. I’ve gone through enough pain. Yes, I have made some terrible mistakes. And I deserve to feel bad for having done bad.

But not like this. 

So please. Let me live.

And I am terrified by her thoughts.

She is spewing venom filled with vitriol towards those that don’t deserve it.

She may make some harsh points, points which the targets might even agree with--but I can’t ever let her express those thoughts laced with anger.

She has my best interests in mind. Including advocating for me. But I dare not repeat what she says, not even in distilled form. I’m too scared to even write it in my private diary.

I want her thoughts to just fade away. I want her anger to dissipate. I am ashamed that some part of me wanted to express itself enough to give her that much power and energy, when I know all she will do is bring further harm.

I know that I need to keep seeing things from other people's perspective. I know I need to keep showing understanding and respect to everyone. I know healing requires me to not keep trying to intervene and say more. 

There’s a couple of things I don’t know. Namely, two mutually exclusive requests, which I don’t know how to really ask about. If the boundary of minimal interaction supersedes the desire for me to share my problems, namely.

I have plenty of problems I'd love to share, this blog only touching on the surface of them all. 

But at the same time, I don’t want to overshare. I don’t want to pressure them. I don’t want to make the mistake of believing we're closer than we are. I don’t want to violate their space, their peace, their life, by intruding with mine.

Now, that attitude is what landed me in trouble in the first place. But it was different circumstances back then. Whereas not sharing previously felt like the mistake, here sharing feels like it’d be the mistake, I guess.

But I dunno, I’m rambling. Sorry.

I should be working. It’s...difficult. 

Work is bringing out the pain.

I’m sorry for everything.

I hope one day I will be good enough.

I hope one day, I can be worthy of being welcomed.

I know I’m not.

And I know I can’t make things better.

But, I will always be here.

I know I might need to take proactive action, cautiously to avoid making things worse, but mostly I know I should just say this;
I will always be here, around to talk, around to be reached for, when you want or need me.

I'll always be there for you.

With love.

Today is a 2/10 mental health day.

Last night, I got tarot readings telling me not to worry--that I’ve done everything I can do.

That worked for my anxiety!!! I actually feel better because of it. It means that not all hope is lost. I got told to maintain hope, that everything will work out in the end, and I believe it!

So, the anxiety I had on Saturday carrying over into Sunday? Mostly gone. There’s twangs of paranoia. What if I accidentally crossed a boundary. What if I am being thought of as a toxic person who should be fully cut out. What if the way things work out is by fully cutting me off from those that I love. What if I’m doing the wrong things. Etc.

But it’s MOSTLY gone.

I’m Mostly free of anxiety.

Depression, on the other hand?

Yeah, I’m doing terribly.

I feel alone.
I feel isolated.
I feel lonely.

And I am in extreme pain.

I’m going to be busier at work for the rest of my life.
And today, my fiancé isn’t here with me.

And I’m lamenting my lost friendships, including the pain of not being able to interact with those who I am Respecting the boundaries of, despite how much I would love to share with them.

I want to share my happiness with them, and let them share their happiness with me.

And vice-versa, too. I want to share my thoughts of sadness, too, but I fear crossing the boundaries set, so I can’t.

And that makes me feel so alone.

I need more free time desperately, but I keep on having so little available because of life.

I've been going out almost every single day and doing things, rather than staying home and relaxing/vibing.

Yet every single time, it's felt like it's needed.

I need to work--so that means Monday through Thursday, I'm waking up and working from 3 am until 3 pm. (In effect.)

And even then, I need to often do other things after work. Shopping, etc. Not coming straight home.

And then on Fridays, even IF I don't do anything before, I have family night on Friday nights--and often, I'm doing things before. Doctor appointments, bloodworks, shopping, etc. So I don't have Fridays off, and even when I do have them mostly off, I still have a 6 - 10 pm obligation.

And that leaves me with only two days, maximum, to me.

This Saturday I couldn't stay home.
Today, Sunday, I have to go to a work staff meeting, which means I don't get to stay home. Worse, it'll end at the time I need to go to bed for tomorrow, meaning tomorrow is going to be absolute hell at work.

I've got so much that needs to be done and isn't being done.
I've got a flight and hotel I meant to cancel two days ago--but the time for them disappeared because other necessities like the doctor appointment and family night and such consumed the time I had set aside. And it won't get done today probably, despite how I need it done sooner rather than later.

The longer I wait, the more likely I won't be able to get a refund. I might not be able to anyway since when I booked both I opted for the nonrefundable options, but every day I lose to other things reduces my odds just that much further of getting it done.

I need to get a training for work and to remind my boss January is almost over and it needs to be done before the end of the month.

I need to do title fairy stuff on the mafia site, as well as judging stuff. I'm probably late or even failing for both already, I dunno, I haven't had the time to check all damn week because I've just had no free time. Just exhaustion and utter tiredness.

I've probably got a ton of other important things to do, which I haven't gotten done.

I've been wanting to do streaming for the last two weeks--and yet, every time I planned for it, something else came up, something more important. Sickness, medical appointments, sheer exhaustion, shopping, etc. I haven't had the free time to.

I've not been able to live life.

I'm exhausted and burnt out and tired and drained.

I'm not getting recharge time--at all.

And I'm feeling like I'm out of place everywhere because I'm not giving them the time and care and devotion those places demand--and that has tanked my mental, too, because when I feel I'm out of place, I feel I don't belong, that I should just give up on these dearly beloved places, and that's never the answer.

I've not done my mirror blog post catchup and in fact am falling further behind.

I'm just--stretched too thin.

I'm not getting rest.

I'm not relaxing.

I'm not recharging.

I feel like I'm not living. I'm just surviving. I'm having experiences in life--but I haven't had the time to enjoy those moments because I've been too busy doing damage control of "okay I am doing this thing instead of X Y Z that need to be done, how do I manage to adjust and pivot?".

I can't have the luxury of just enjoying the moment.

I literally can't afford that time, every single time has felt like I am just falling further and further behind on everything.

And I need a break.

I need a break so damn badly.

And I'm not going to get one.

I have let my fiance know about these issues, so I'm not bottling it up. People don't really ask, but in places where it's appropriate to have done so, I'm being open and transparent about this issue. I might even vent about it in spaces where venting is appropriate, to see if I can let out the steam needed and have the burden be lessened in any way just by having let it out and being open and transparent about this utter lack of energy in my life rn.

So like--yeah I'm not bottling it up, pretending it's not there, etc.

But like...I still don't know how tf I'm going to actually fix this, how to deal with it. Like most things I'm going through rn, I'm directionless, and feel powerless, and just am...tired, exhausted, drained, and desperate.

I just need things to stop going badly and for things to start going my way for once. I'm trying. I'm trying to think positively, to see things better, to enjoy life, to live rather than survive. But like...it's so damn hard.

I know, I'm adulting. I'm struggling with the responsibilities of being out in the world on my own, with my fiance, rather than having the support of my family to lean on. It's difficult, it's hard, it's never going to be easy. And I know I need to do it to keep it up, but...I have to find a way where I'm not actively taxing myself this much.

I'm taxed physically, mentally, and emotionally by this level of exhaustion and burnout. There has to be a way to rebalance my life without letting go of the things I consider so important.

So that meant I took a look at my blog views.

Mostly, what I expected; nobody reading my blog.

There is the panic involving the ninth and the twelfth though. I'm looking at the spike on the ninth and the big spike on the twelfth and just thinking, "...okay. What the hell did I do wrong THIS time???", and having the resulting panic.

Because nobody reads my blog because of anything good happening.

There's literally no reason at all for the spike on the ninth, I hadn't blogged since the sixth, so what caused that spike? I blogged on the fifth and the sixth, but nothing on the ninth.

The twelfth is the real concern though. There was a huge spike that day...and that was the day I aired out Danielle's thoughts.

I'm terrified I made things worse, again, by having done so.

I'm worried I once again caused harm.

I'm second-guessing myself again; should I delete that blog? Like, I don't know if it was actually a bad blog to make, I have no metric for these sorts of things.

So like...I dunno. Was it problematic? Was it bad? Should I delete it? Or is it fine? Someone had to have read it and linked it to others; there's no way I got those views otherwise. So like...why? Did I do bad again? Did I hurt people again? Is it being used to prove I haven't learned? Is it being used to prove I learned nothing? Is it being used to demonstrate I am still just as harmful as ever? Is it being used to show I am continuing to cause pain? Is it being shown to show my worst side and how it is still there, strong, and how I can't stop myself from being that piece of shit who continues to be a garbage human?

I don't know. I'm once again doubting myself and feeling all of the fears involved.

And like...can it please just stop? Can I please just stop hurting people? Can I please just do the right thing? Like...I don't know what the right thing actually IS, mind you. But...can I please do it? Whatever the right thing to do is, can I actually do it? I am trying to do the right thing always, but if I succeeded, we wouldn't be here in the first place. I am nothing but a failure, including at being a good human who does the right thing.

Can I please just...stop fucking up and take the path which is actually that of least harm and most good? The path of healing and helping? Of joy and positivity? Of good and niceness and wholesome vibes mixed with cursed entertainment?

I'm tired of constantly messing up. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing damage. So...I just want to do better.

And I'm clearly not succeeding.

I know whatever link to the blog post was given meant those linked aren't going to be reading more. I see the statistics for that, too. One page view per visit on average. They don't explore to see multiple entries. They are interested in just the one, and that's it. So they won't actually see me write this, meaning it's all for naught to ask.

But I figure I should put it out into the universe, just in case.

If by some miracle someone I have hurt actually reads this...please help me.
I know! I have no right to ask that of you, since I'm the one who hurt you.

But like...I clearly need the help. And if not for me, then for others--to stop me from hurting others. Please help me. Point to what I've done wrong. Point me in the direction to improve. Tell me how I have wronged you and what to do about it. I know actions speak louder than words. Give me the actions to take. Tell me what I need to do. Tell me what I did wrong, tell me what was harmful, tell me what was hurtful, tell me how I need to shift and improve.

And I will do it. I will follow through. I will change. I promise. I don't make promises I won't keep, so when I say I promise, I mean it. I know that I shouldn't need to ask others how to improve. I should be doing it on my own. But that's the thing. I'm trying. I'm already improving as much as I can. If that's not enough...I need help to do better. I'm trying my best and my best clearly isn't enough. So like...please reach out to me.

It doesn't need to be a two-way convo. You don't need to leave me open to respond. Just tell me what I'm doing wrong, and ideally what I can do to do better. And I will. I want that path of least harm and greatest good. I want it so badly. So damn badly. I don't want the hurt, the pain, the harm. So please. Help me do better. Help me get it.

I clearly am not good enough as-is. I'm clearly still making mistakes. I'm clearly still messing up.

And I don't want to.

I know, I need to put the effort in on my end.

But by and large, I'm directionless. I don't know how to do better than I am, despite the fact I clearly need to do better than I am.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough.
I understand if you think I never will be.
You're probably right.

But in the meanwhile, despite being directionless, I will still be trying. Both to live my best life, and to help others live their best life, too. I hope that one day that might eventually be good enough.

Probably won't get to it all, adhd distractions will ramble me into missing most of what I was trying to say.

I'll start by stating this is the Eve of the five-month anniversary with my fiance. I consider the eve to be just as important as the actual day, because the eve of the day we became officially an item was filled with both of us heavily dropping hints to the other and being on the verge of telling. The only reason we didn't is because it was late and we needed sleep and confessing just before bed would be bad timing, so I confessed the next morning, beating my love to the confession they were planning that day as well.

So, to me, the fifteenth and the sixteenth both are worthy, with the fifteenth the Eve, a prelude, and the sixteenth the celebration proper. I am with the love of my life, and nothing will ever separate me from them. Including apparently plans to go to a different continent, as my reason to go without them was removed. (I should blog about that, yet shouldn't blog about that. Ah, it's...complicated. Like most things in the last month are.)

Today started off as a 2/10 mental day. I was bad. Not quite suicidal bad (hopefully, those days are behind me), but bad all the same. I was bad enough that I knew I needed to talk to my fiance about it. I aired my thoughts out, why I was so depressed, why I am in so much pain today, why I'm hurting (short answer is because I know others will be hurt, too), and lamenting an extreme loss and the overwhelming sadness and hurt and pain and isolation and loneliness to have come from the ordeal.

They helped reassure me by reinforcing a thought I had previously had. Basically, "the mistakes of others are theirs to make--you might know they're going to make a painful mistake they regret for their lives, but it's theirs to make and you can do nothing about it". Which was also reinforced by a friend, too. I shouldn't really elaborate on a blog about the thought but will happily do so in private to almost anyone, although I promise this is a thought very unlikely to cause harm, it's just not something I want to blog publicly about.

My blogs do redact personal info when I feel it's TMI. My definition might differ, but I do respect the boundaries of people as much as I can--namely that I shouldn't be sharing too much about their lives, particularly when I am or was their friend (depending on the people). You probably get the idea. I won't share too much, but what I have shared, I feel is safe to share as it's generic and not too specific. It touches into the main focus of me right now, but that's it.

​Speaking of my blog though; I've been going through the wix mirror and trying to get it up to date. I'm through December, but still have to get through January, too. (And for my wix audience, this is where you're likely to find entries when I'm slacking on keeping the mirror up to date.)

I have a lot of tags on the wix mirror which I don't have on the main blog. Some of them, I might not have up to date because I only thought of them today. For instance, I probably was suicidal prior to the 26th, between the 6th and 26th, but because I wasn't willing to tag it with the tag suicidal, I only started then. A few tags might not be seeing as much use as they should've, like the sorry tag, and many others. But tags like the apology tag should be mostly accurate, if perhaps liberally used.

As it turns out, I have a great need to apologize, so I have a mighty need to talk about it extensively and constantly.

I probably should go through all of the tags listed and all of them to make sure that those who would wish to navigate my blog would know where I've been for the last month.

But like...I do have only a finite amount of energy for the task and other things to do.

I also don't have the mental capacity for too much.

A lot of reading my past blogs does renew my feelings from the time, reminding me of what went on and why I was in so much pain...and that's not a good thing.

I do need to apologize, I am a mess. I'm too scatterbrained to do any good right now. But like...I dunno. There's a lot going on. I'm sorry, I don't have much to say.

I just...well. I feel like I'm behind in life, and I'm trying to pick myself up.

I'm trying to not be garbage, but I'm probably just making new mistakes.

I'm probably still going to be hurtful, even though I am trying to do the exact opposite.

I dunno.

Life's just going right now.

I have a lot of love to give the world.

A lot to my fiance, to be sure. But my heart is big enough to give my love to the world too.

I just want to give it all.

I know that I can do a lot of good--today I made someone's day by helping them with their grief. But I know I can also do a lot of harm, and I dunno.

I'm trying I guess.

I just hope people can forgive me and see that someday I guess.

I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I lost my plot. I lost my thoughts. I just...have no focus. I'm trying to do good. I just hope it shows. And yeah. I've been low, very low, because I justifiably feel like shit. Who wouldn't, after messing up so royally? I will carry my regrets for life and have that remorse with me for life and probably carry a permanent sense of loss and maybe even loneliness. Especially since the pain caused seems to get worse and worse with time, rather than better and better, in part because I still fuck up.

I am nothing but a messup.

​I just hope I can mess up in ways productive rather than destructive I guess.