I am just.
I am doing nothing.
I am actively doing nothing.
I am actively choosing to do nothing.
No wonder I am such a worthless piece of garbage.
I made a resolution to work.
I don't follow through.
And every chance I get to follow through.
I instead choose to do nothing.
Is it any wonder why I am such a worthless human being?
I could have done just about anything if I had set my mind to it. (Within reason.)
I could have done something with my life, if I chose to.
I could have taken control of my life, if I chose to.
And yet I refused.
And here I am.
As a result.
Of every choice at every turn being the wrong one to have made.
And it is so, so, so deceptively easy to do.
Because you don't think you're making a choice even when you are.
When you're spending all day every day. Watching streams. Playing various games, Minecraft League TFT Civ 3 Epic Battle Fantasy 5 and so on and so forth.
You don't think there's a choice being made then. Because you're just doing what comes naturally, what passively surrounds you. You have streams basically automatically playing, and you instinctively choose games to play to multitask during said stream which work well to play during that stream. So it doesn't look like you're making any choice, because you're never thinking of it.
It just happens, and when things just happen, surely, there's not a decision being made, right?
Except there is.
And because there is a decision being made.
It is always the wrong one.
Because spending my time doing those things won't get me to the things I want to have done.
I want to do those things. Watch those streams. Play those games. But long-term, what does playing those games, watching those streams, get me? If I am incredibly lucky, in the case of the streams, maybe maybe maybe the satisfaction of possibly having been a critical part of the community, but again only if I luck out. (And, in the case of Minecraft, possibly having left a permanent mark on a world which lasts for years upon years upon years.)
I don't get to have made a wide impact on the world.
I don't get to have created any of my projects, in spite of there being hundreds, thousands, that I want to bring to light.
I don't get to live my life as I want to.
I get nothing.
But that is the path I am walking.
I am walking the path of the worthless trash that I am.
And I am aware of it.
And I am doing nothing to stop it.
What a pathetic loser I am.