This is something I've been wanting to do for years, on again off again, but rarely do I get the chance to actually follow through.

This was spawned by me doing some research for my novel, and part of that research involved reading a lot about Biblical stuff, and concepts like Lucifer, Satan, etc. (All of this for largely background lore I don't strictly need, although in this case it's slightly more needed because I am technically working on defining an ability of the protagonist Vee, so it's got relevancy.)

The first disclaimer I want to give; my beliefs are always ever-evolving. My understanding of the world is always changing. This will not be my final belief system, not even remotely.

The second disclaimer I want to give; I don't explain things very well. I might explain a concept you actually agree with, but my explanation is so bad that it makes you disagree with it because I am so bad at explaining it. A lot of what I believe in is stuff that if I were able to properly explain it, I think a lot of people would actually believe in, in some form or another.

And the third disclaimer I want to give; this is just my personal belief, that ever-evolving, poorly-explained belief. It is something I personally believe, but I would never push this belief on others. I will share it, I will discuss it, but mostly because I am actually looking for other perspectives. My perspective is mine alone and is limited to my own knowledge and ways of looking at the world. Others will differ, and fundamental in my belief is a need to incorporate the beliefs of others, because they have perspective and knowledge I lack.

So with that said, a loose outline of my belief system;

Loosely speaking, I believe that 'God' and 'Heaven' are one and the same. That at the highest level of existence, all entities are one collective entity combined, outside of time, space, reality. At this highest level, this level of existence sees everything that ever was, everything that ever could have been, everything that is, and everything that could be. Sees every universe that exists and every universe that could exist and every universe that could have existed. All that has ever been, all that ever could be, all that ever will be, all exist together in this form, collective, but also still containing a level of individuality. Basically a hive mind, one unified being, but also made up of all beings that ever exist in any reality.

It's important at this point to bring up those universes, and the nature of the illusion of time and space, so I'm gonna talk about 'destiny' and 'fate' here.
There's two terms in relation to universes:
"Every universe which could exist from the current point in time", what COULD happen in 'the future',
And,
"What universe will exist from the current universe in time", what WILL happen in 'the future'.

It's important to note that everything that could happen, does happen in a universe, but every universe has a version where things did happen. So the former is basically all of the possibilities viewed before they could happen (or looked at after the fact); the latter is basically what in the current universe actually did happen (looked at after the fact, even if it's thought of as before).

In this sense, the future is both mutable and subject to change, but also set in stone, and has already happened.

Because what you can do is many things, but what you will do is only one thing.
You do one thing in every universe, just a different one thing in those different universes. So you do everything across all the universes, but you do one thing in any one universe.

For these two concepts, what can be done and what will be done, you use the terms destiny and fate.
They are not interchangeable, and which concept you tie to which word is totally arbitrary, the important thing is to be consistent in your application of which concept has which word.
If you say what will happen is fate, always stick to fate being what will happen;
If you say what will happen is destiny, always stick to destiny being what will happen;
Never use what will happen to occasionally be fate and occasionally be destiny.

In recent times, thanks to the influence of TVTropes (although in older times, I had these as vice-versa--again, my belief system is ever-evolving!), the way I tie the concepts to the words is,

I call "what will happen" as 'fate', because of the Trope "You Can't Fight Fate". Fate is what will happen in the current universe.
I call "what could happen" as 'destiny', because of the Trope "Winds of Destiny, Change". Destiny is what could happen.

Notably, we cannot consciously change which universe we are in. We can consciously control our destiny, because we can control what we could do, but what we end up doing is always set in stone. However, I've come to the belief that subconsciously, a lot of us do forms of timeline hopping, where we go from one universe where something was set to happen to a different universe where a different thing is set to happen. But I digress.

I wanted to talk about Fate and Destiny, because it's important to understand by my belief, 'God'/'Heaven' exists able to view both, as this state of being is above both, is everything. And in this state, there is both a level of inherent empathy and also apathy towards what happens in the lower levels of existence. Because everything is going to happen, there's not much use in trying to influence the lower levels of existence, but there is a level of "that really sucked"/"this should happen in less universes"/etc. to those experiences.

There is simultaneously an understanding that no amount of intervention will prevent at least one universe from taking the sucky path, while also an understanding that the sucky path sucks, and should be as few universes as possible.

Because this level of existence is every experience possible, it inherently has a level of love, care, and understanding. Having experienced all of the pain and suffering of every possible person, it knows the profound level of harm to come from lives lived under the pain of harsh lives...but it also knows the intense level of joy, of creativity, of passion, of all the good and positive from lives lived while bound by existence.

And having seen both the bad and the good, this naturally biases existence towards a net drive to influence Destiny to be the better paths whenever possible. In short, basically all entities that exist on lower levels of existence, including humans, are naturally biased towards trying to do 'good'. What is 'good' is hard to define, but loosely, it involves showing care, compassion, love, empathy, understanding, and learning from others that exist, to provide assistance to them, and to help the future be better than the present.

​I believe humans evolved living by those standards, the standards of a community. Where we would help others, where we would support others. People would pursue what they most wanted and do what they thought they were best suited to do, and receive support from their community to cover their weaknesses. No human can be good at everything, but all humans can be at least good enough at enough things that in a community, you can cover the bases where anyone weak at something can get the help of a human who is good at that something. Covering each others' weaknesses with each others' strengths.

​They built towards a future better for their community, by helping support each other and set up for success, because of an innate inherent drive to show compassion and care to each other, and a drive to build a better future for those yet to be born.

​But I digress. 

Below this Heaven/God is various levels of entities in various forms of existence on various levels of understanding and knowledge about Fate/Destiny and such.

Here is where my understanding is at its weakest.
I'll say fuck the idea of angels/archangels being higher than pagan deities/gods/entities. That's repackaged Christian bullshit.

I vaguely believe that deities/gods/entities/angels as we know them are all different names for the same thing, entities that exist on a higher level than our own world, but lower than the afterlife of 'Heaven'/God. (By the way I use the terms Heaven and God out of convenience. It's easy to understand, but not something I actually prefer.) Connected to both.

It's important to recognize there's numerous levels, but I don't know what those levels are precisely.

I will say this; those entities at all levels can and do exist in lower levels too, but largely by choice. Connection to higher self is something which can be damaged by baggage but never truly severed entirely, whereas connection to lower self is something always there and chosen to experience, loosely speaking.

​I believe deities can and do frequently incarnate as humans. That these deities, these entities, these higher selves, frequently exist as humanity. 

Every human ever has multiple levels of existence, essentially. And these humans receive guidance from both their own higher selves and the higher self of others--guides, if you will.

Some can see all possible worlds, some can see what the current possible world is, some can see both, some can see neither.

And they try to guide every human to the best version of themselves and their communities.

I'm a little tired so I can't really complete this, but loosely, people have a high degree of agency and choice, and guides try to guide that agency towards futures better for both the person and the community and the people to follow.

People can be whoever they want to be, but some choices are better in some ways than other choices.

This is not nearly all of the belief, but it is as much as I have the energy to convey today.

I hope this, despite being incomplete, is entertaining and engaging and not offensive. Hopefully I can talk about my beliefs and how they retain to our actions and communities and such more next time.

To be technical, it was a dream after I had woken up for the morning, work was canceled due to the snow, and then I went back to bed, so it's more like a dream this morning.

But this was no ordinary occurrence.

I had a dream that felt real. And more than that, it felt like I was viewing flashes in time. Memories sent to my past self, from my future, but like memories often are, not in chronological order.

The first I saw was of me and my wife, Kelsey, raising a daughter. (One I felt had a name starting with A and at least one more a in it, and which felt like it was primarily softer sounds rather than mostly harder ones.) I saw her as a young girl, somewhere in the age range of 4 - 9, and we were raising her in a relatively large space.

The second I saw was of her, now a young adult, visiting us with her own daughter (our granddaughter), around the same age range of 4 - 9. What initially confused me was that she was visiting us in a smaller space than the one she was raised in, but it was still her and she was still visiting us.

Then I saw a vision of us buying what felt like a mansion--a place large enough to raise our infant (she was appearing as a baby less than 2 years old, felt less than a year old) and to let Parker, our puppy that we just got, run free. (Oh yeah I haven't blogged in nearly a month, so I forgot to share the news in a blog. kels and I have a puppy now! He's a 4 month old white Shepherd mix. We don't know more yet.) We somehow managed to get a place for the both of them.

And then I got a vision of us, after our daughter was an adult, going back to a smaller residence, it felt like an apartment. It wasn't something we needed to do, but for whatever reason we wanted to.

And it felt so real.

I shared it to my wife, thinking it important...

...And then I was blown away to learn...

Kels had nearly the exact same dream.

kels had seen us raising our daughter.
kels had seen us having a larger house.
And kels had even seen us making the decision to downsize.

We had nearly the exact same dream at the exact same time.

That feels like it can't be coincidence.

Like...obviously, there's no guarantee that what we saw will come to pass. This felt like it wasn't a vision of an alternate reality, it felt like it was a premonition of what's to come in this one, but at the same time, the future is fluid. What happens isn't set in stone. So there's no guarantee this will be a life we live.

But at the same time?

...I want that vision to come true.

I want to make what we saw come to pass.

I don't know how we'll pull it off.
Every step of the way is uncertain. How we'll raise a daughter (method of getting a daughter), how we'll get the funds to procure a place for her, how we'll make all of it happen.

But...I want that future. And kels does, too.
And that has given me a whole lot of hope for the future, too--if it's a future we currently hold the power to make, then it is a future that is worth living in and raising a child in, where that child may choose to have a child of her own. 

I don't know how we'll pull it off--but having seen this future so vividly and clearly, with my wife having seen it too, and both of us wanting to make it happen, we'll find a way. We have to.

I'm not giving up on that future, on having a family we raise. What we saw felt like it was a gentle nudge, a reminder, of the lives we want to live. And it doesn't need to be perfect, it doesn't need to be exactly as we saw, but, I believe if we take actions in pursuit of that future, it will happen.

We're facing overwhelming challenges. Illegally high rent, medical insurance exploitation, health issues, work issues, car issues, and more ugly surprises at every turn. It's not going to be given to us, and would be easy to be taken away from us. We need to not only take action, but also prevent those which close off that future.

But, I believe in that future, and want it. How we'll get there, we're still figuring out. But it is a future worth fighting for.

Obviously, I'm not blogging every day as I used to, despite how my blog went over ten years as a consistently daily blog. So I'm not really using my blog for daily check-ins. I'm using my BlueSky account to post them, and then refining them on the mafia site I played on, and then posting the refined versions to discord in every community I am welcome to post them in.

But I wanted to explain a few things about them.

The first is a reminder about their primary purpose.

First and foremost, my daily check-ins are meant to let people know I am alive and okay--if I end up missing a place due to the stressors of life for a day or two, then no problem, as long as I am posting them elsewhere; if I suddenly go silent everywhere for over a couple of days with no prior warning or explanation, then I want people to know something has changed, something has gone wrong.

I want the presence of me to be taken for granted, so that any absence of me is alarming and is suddenly something to investigate why. It genuinely could potentially save my life, or if it's too late to save my life, then it could at least inform people of this fact, and allow them to contact my other loved ones, inform them, and collectively grieve the loss of me.

As time goes on, the number of spaces I am in changes. Realistically I can only handle being in so many. I will lose some spaces I was in, I will stop remembering in some spaces I was in, etc., while also occasionally gaining new spaces to be in. But as long as I am able to, I want to provide confirmation I am alive and okay enough to post on the given day. It needn't be anything revolutionary, but just a simple message can say I am still there.

However, I do have a preference in the form of check-in I provide. Because I want to normalize check-ins, I want to also normalize an environment which fosters the ability for others to check in themselves. I don't think people need to post their own affirmations because not everyone can--but I do want to normalize telling people you are alive, you are okay, and you love them. To let people know you're still around and you still care.

I do affirmations with most of my daily check-ins because that's the energy I want to send into the world. But any form of check-in is something. The reason I do affirmations specifically is because I know I have a talent with them. One of my past daily affirmations said, "if you think something is something anyone can do, chances are, that something is your talent, your skill". And that came from my own experience. I previously viewed supporting people like I do as something anyone could do.

I didn't think it was anything special, or remarkable. I just took it as a given, took it for granted, as something anyone could do. But with time, I've been able to realize that it is something special. Even if it's something anyone could do, I do it a lot more easily and naturally than most people, because it's something that just...is what I am good at doing.

From a spiritual perspective, this is because I have been told time and time again: "You are a healer" with a side of "you are a teacher". I heal and I educate. I have been described as having a bright light around me, a radiant energy. I have been told countless times I am a form of sun, a form of light, that I spread light into the world. Regardless of whether you put stock into those spiritual things, they do seem to have truth to them because, well...I am good at the affirmations.

And from a more practical side...it is because of my life experiences.
I have lived a very storied life and covered a wide array of beliefs, of perspectives, of life circumstances, of philosophies, of emotions, of states of being.

I have made hundreds, if not thousands, of friends. Every time a friend struggled, I read about it. I listened. Every time they had a hard time, I paid attention. (That may be the autism, but who knows?) I had a natural desire to help them, and did my best to. (That's probably due to innately high empathy for others.)

And I remembered my own darker times and what I lived through. In my darkest moment, how my empathy almost got extinguished, and how after I realized how close I had come to becoming apathetic to others, I was racked with the guilt of this and set out to atone. (This was before I was 18 by the way. The darkest period of my life was then, and it will always be the darkest period of my life because of how close I came to doing the unthinkable.)

I have experienced such extreme darkness, such extreme hate, such extreme loathing, such extreme guilt, and every negative emotion you can think of. I have become increasingly jaded. I was always a naive idealistic childish optimistic enthusiastic kid. But that outlook got repeatedly destroyed, leaving me increasingly bitter, cynical, pessimistic, defeated, jaded, and all-around spiteful. Yet I kept going, and despite everything...

...I ended up becoming able to reconnect with who I always ways. And I found my idealism, my optimism, my enthusiasm, my awe, my wonder, my belief in the better parts of the world, was stronger than that cynicism. (This is probably both plurality and also bipolar disorder.) Despite how messy my life and the world is, I see the beauty in it and everyone within. My hope became greater than any level of dread or despair could be.

My love grew, and got stronger with time.

And I almost never stopped wanting to help people.

And having needed help myself.
And seen others in need of help.
I paid attention.

I saw what didn't help me.
I knew what did help.
I saw what didn't help others.
I saw what did help others.

I remembered. I adjusted. I learned. I refined. To become more and more supportive to friends and loved ones.

I deal with crippling depression and bad life things happening, as well as having my life remain a mess--but at the same time, I have persevered, overall, with the help of loved ones, to help give me the reminders I have built my life up with.

So I have 31 going on 32 years (well pragmatically about 4 less than that or so) of living life as an autistic plural transwoman lesbian with bipolar disorder and adhd, living with crippling anxiety, with great dreams and the shattering of them by knowing just how unobtainable they are.

Hope, love, and support give me the strength to overcome life's challenges.

And it's never easy.

But I feel obligated to do what I can. I know I can't do much, but because of the life I have lived, the skills I have nurtured, I know I am good at giving the reminders which help people like me, which help my friends, which help heal the world, give strength, give hope, give small boosts of support and guidance.

It might not make much of a difference, but it also makes a difference.

Listening. Learning. Paying attention. Providing support. Finding what helped you, and seeing how it may help others. Finding what helped others, and seeing if it may help even more. Giving love, support, and empathy. Making people felt seen, felt heard.

It's not something that is easy to do, but it is something that when done, can just...make a small bit of light in a world filled with darkness. So as long as I am alive and okay, I will continue to do so in every space I am allowed to.

I know I can't make much of a difference. I know I can't do much tangible. But any little reminder, any little bit of support, any little bit of light in life, I will happily provide. So, I hope you all can stay strong. Much love. <3

After one of the worst possible weeks to endure, today was terrific.

To catch you all up, my car nearly exploded on me. I told my boss about this, and my boss threatened corrective action if I didn't show up despite how my car wasn't safe to drive. So I drove a damaged car to work (endangering my safety in the process), it nearly stalled four times and had multiple kickbacks and was probably damaged by this process more than it already was.

And, knowing it wouldn't make it back home, I made some emergency maintenance on my car at work. The good news is, it mostly fixed the car. My car could still break any day, mind you (largely from the damage sustained from the drive I didn't want to do), but it's less likely to after the repair I did. The bad news is, because I wasn't in an environment suited for the repair and had to make it myself and without the tools at home, I spilled oil all over.

And then my boss threatened me again from it, saying if the oil got to the storm drain then the city could sue my workplace and I would be held liable for it. This being the same boss who I TOLD HER ABOUT MY CAR BEING UNSAFE TO DRIVE. I would not have needed to repair it in my workplace parking lot if I wasn't threatened with corrective action for prioritizing the repair over prioritizing showing up for my scheduled shift.

But because my boss threatened corrective action if I did prioritize the repair and my safety, I had to sacrifice both for the sake of showing up for my shift. And then to make it back home the emergency repair I did made my boss threaten me AGAIN for something which never would have happened if she listened to me in the first place!

And then I had to wait all day for them to come up with a solution. Tired, cold, hungry, with no help, and no effort to prioritize the spill over anything else. And I will have to pay for the stuff which got bought to be used, after my next paycheck. Meaning they are going to charge ME for a problem MY BOSS CREATED BY THREATENING ME and not listening. I SAID my car was unsafe to drive, and instead of accommodating for my life circumstance, I had my job threatened, and had to try and do a repair in an environment ill-suited for it, and got threatened for the result.

All of this also meant that I was outside in the freezing cold for a long time. Doing lots of hard physical labor. Banging and bruising my head and back. While sick. I was, and still technically am, sick. And I was straining myself by overly physically exerting myself. And being exposed to the cold for a long time. 

And since then I've been just trying to rest, relax, recover, and get through the day.

That led to a lot of things, namely, cleaning, at our apartment falling behind.

Until today!

I fully cleaned the apartment of all trash, removing it all.

I made progress on getting the dishes cleaned, too!

So like...got a lot done and am still resting and relaxing.

A lot could go wrong, but at least today, I have a lot to be proud of. <3

...Okay to be fair, I haven't blogged a lot so that joke is less effective than normal, butstill.

I'm still sick, recovering. Returning from vacation got me one sickness, and to be honest, I'm not even sure I was over it when Christmas hit and I got another sickness.

Both me and my wife got it pretty bad, but we're recovering.

And we've gotten some really good stuff now.

We're getting a free futon, as well as apparently also some free other stuff. A free desk and maybe recliner down the line.

So we've been cleaning our apartment to make room, and already our apartment is so much neater and cleaner.

There's a lot more work to be done, slow going because we're sick still and we don't want to prolong said sickness by pushing it, but it's going and going pretty good!

We got a lot of cooking supplies, including a microwave, so once again, in all ways but one, life is good!!!

The one way it isn't remains illegal financial charges, but...we're working on it.

In the meanwhile?

I'm making tremendous progress on my novel!

I'm cruising through writing, and in terms of organizing notes...

...Well, it's, ah. It's both going well, but also needs some cleanup. Because my worldbuilding is going faster than my notes can keep up with.

I know the details of basically every Abundant Argon.

When they formed.
Why they formed.
What they look like.
Even ones I didn't before.

I have an unofficial backstory for Luden (kept that way deliberately, but rather extensive), and a loose ETA of when. I always knew what Luden looked like.

I've always known what Lilith looks like, and her backstory (rather extensive). Her timeframe of when is actually a bit of a chronological rock/anchor for me in fact; knowing when things happened in regards to her lets me place when they  happen because of how well I know her timeline.

​Zeboel I relatively recently figured out the event causing their fall, what they look like, and the time involved. It's enough to be a Musical.

Deumos I already knew was the demon who caused Bothai's fall, but Deumos's own backstory, I figured out today!!! (It's ridiculously extensive.) Some of Deumos's backstory would be shown during Bothai's story, and Deumos's character growth would be largely because of Bothai. This also gave me his appearance.

Sanatas I knew the appearance and backstory of (relatively extensive). He was kinda a rock, as he had to be pre-Seidonia.

Dabadon I knew the approximate appearance and backstory of already. He was another rock, thanks to sinking Seidonia. A story extensive enough to be a live action show imo.

Rarma's appearance and backstory I've known for quite a while. (I want to write a novel about it in fact.) The one thing not QUITE set is the timing of her ascension. It's after Deumos's, as she wasn't ruling Angea back then, and presumably after Mastemo's unless she randomly left North Angea untouched. This would make her among the younger, but not among the youngest, as she's pre-Bothai (who is pre-Rothasta).

Belchevore's backstory is largely lost to the ages, but I know what he looks like now! And I have an approximate time he rose to power, too! (It's in one of the two Dark Ages. I'm thinking the mini Dark Age caused by Toran's fall, placing Belchevore as between Deumos's Ascension and Mastemo's Ascension.)

Mastemo, I knew the appearance and backstory of (pretty extensive, although relatively easy to summarize). He also served as a bit of a rock, as I knew exactly what the earth equivalent of his Ascension was. (The earth equivalent being the Fall of Rome. The farn equivalent of the Roman Empire pushed him too far in corruption, laziness, and greed.)

​Trisairo, I know the appearance of and have a working backstory (I admit it's basic, as it amounts to "She's the Demon of Order, who tried to bring Order to the Fae Realm, and the Fae being Fae, this was Not A Good Thing", but not every member of The Abundant Argon needs a whole life story. Most do, but it needn't be ALL of them.)

Ditto Milodee. Trisairo and Milodee are two of the few chronological absentees, in that I don't have their timeframe established yet.

Both are on the much older, but not ancient, side. We're talking pre-Deumos. Whether pre-Dabadon or post-Dabadon is the real debate at the moment. I'll figure it out soon.

​Bemoheth and Athaneva are unique among the Abundant Argon in that they have no backstory. I don't have their exact appearance nailed down definitively, or at least not their human forms. (I know what their true forms look like.) They are basically as old as farn itself, so they predate even Luden. While I need to know what their human forms look like, I don't need to know anything more about them because there isn't more to know about them. They're proto-spirits who chose to become demons just because they could. They're siblings and spouses. (Demons and Gods, natch. Refer to basically any mythology for how Gods are entwined.) That's about it.

​Bothai is one of the youngest Abundant Argon. I've known his backstory and appearance for a while, but finding his exact chronology has been a challenge. I'm honing in on an approximate timeframe, but it isn't nailed down to anything specific quite yet. He's younger than Zeboel by a considerable margin, and younger than Rarma, too. In fact I'm pretty sure he's the third-youngest, with only Rothasta and the 18th Abundant Argon as younger.

​Belreach is basically as old as Bemoheth and Athaneva and ever so slightly older than Luden, so is among the oldest of the Abundant Argon. I know his backstory, for what little there is, but his exact appearance isn't quite nailed down. He's a man. He looks like a dude. That's...about it, for details I know for sure.

​Phaimyustazael is one of the Abundant Argon I know the least about. He's got new info I know about him as of today (well, mostly it's stuff I internally already had, but wrote down more definitively), namely why his name is so ridiculous compared to the others. (As the King of Contracts, it's by design. It makes it easier for him to deceive people and makes it harder for would-be loopholers to succeed.) I have a really good idea what he looks like (basically, a constant grin fairly pale white man with black hair that's slightly animesque but more subdued and realistic, with shining ocean blue eyes), and a basic idea of how he became the Demon of Contracts.

I don't have an exact chronology set, it's somewhere likely in the range of Deumos: definitely after Dabadon, but before Mastemo. He might be the farn equivalent to King Midas? (As Midas was pre-Troy and Deumos was at the end of Troy, if so this would make him pre-Deumos but responsible for a disastrous fall of an empire.) Which would place him as over 4,000 years ago.
Someone who could cause the fall of an empire like the Babylonians, Myceneans, Hittites, or Assyrians. He could have caused the equivalent of the Knossos, Crete earthquake, the Minoan eruption, or the equivalent of the Thera eruption, etc., all about 200 - 500 years prior to Deumos.

And then we get to the youngest two.

Rothasta was 100 - 200 years ago in the demon realm. Her life as a mortal was pre-Bothai, and might be even pre-Mastemo, as knowledge of her kingdom was lost even to him. Since knowledge of an entire kingdom being wiped out with no trace is rare, this places her most likely human on farn times as immediately post-Zeboel or immediately post-Deumos. However this culminated in her actual Ascension being only a couple hundred years ago because she held onto her humanity in the demon realm for hundreds of years. I know what she looks like, and what she did. Her own pre-guardian history is lost even to her, but I can trace it based on her kingdom not having any trace of existing. It's quite possible she was a resident of the Ferachen Empire, in fact. But if so, would be closer to its founding under King Arnos. She could have even met the guy, been friends with him, even been one of his knights.

And the youngest of the Abundant Argon technically hasn't formed yet, but is known who they are to the Abundant Argon. The 18th member is a spoiler though, but I know who they are, what they look like, and what would cause their Ascension.

Soyeah. Making a lot of worldbuilding progress!

The Abundant Argon have always been a kind of linchpin by which the rest of farn's history has formed through. Other pantheons' rules were modeled after the Demon God-Lords out-of-universe (not in-universe). Ditto their powers, how they work, etc. The mechanics of divine entities were largely reverse-engineered from the mechanics of demons specifically. So, similarly, their history has shaped farn's own history, as well as geography.

I've mapped out farn's geography to have most places named.

And with the abundant argon having shaped the history of those places, I have basically the entirety of the background of the world of farn memorized to the level of an average farn well-educated college general-education adult.

Which is about the level of earth well-educated college general-education adult about earth's geography, history, and religion.

I've always said that farn is comparable to earth in history, geography, socioeconomics, geopolitical climate, cultures, etc. But now I have the how laid out, to the point where I can point to earth events I know about, and point to their farn equivalent. And vice-versa. And how they're similar, and how they're different.

Farn and Earth, despite Farn having magic and explicit deities as well as numerous different sapients, follow nearly identical trajectories as a whole in their progression and regression, in their societal collapses and empire collapses and empire rises. Not identical, especially as The Old World became more "crowded" by divine beings as time passed, and The New World was discovered far sooner chronologically (we're talking basically a thousand years sooner or so, loosely speaking), with Bairn's history more being a mixture of USA and United Kingdom history (history for the region dates back to the equivalent of the Roman Empire, so 1600+ years ago, albeit with large gaps until 1000 years ago or so when Baeyern, the farn equivalent to William the Conqueror, founded the country that would bear a simplification of his name), so like...it's not really a 1:1.

A lot of earth events are condensed into a single farn event, and vice-versa, with what might be a single earth event having been extrapolated to be numerous different farn events. But loosely, the overall trajectory of the two planets is OVERALL comparable, enough that any reasonably relatively well-educated adult from earth if transported to farn would just kinda...GET it.

Both so that Vee, said earthling, would be able to comprehend...and more pragmatically, so my readers, also earthlings, can too!

I hope you all like the final result.

Farn is eventually going to be turned over to the masses.

I've always seen me as just the medium by which stories of farn begin to get shared. Not as the only earth resident producing them.

Farn is as real as earth is, but that makes it a world too big for me to tell every tale of. I want to open it to others, too.

So the work I do now will help let others carry on my work in telling the tale of the planet after I am done sharing what I personally know.

Let's write the future together.

So let me just say that I've gotten a lot done.

But I just wanted to put this message out there as well.

I am always down for reconnecting with any friend I have ever known.

And I do mean any friend I have ever known.

My DMs remain open to all, on all platforms.
And that's true of people who didn't know me well, too, but feel they need/want to talk to me, particularly about things going down, things which went down, things they fear going down, etc.

I have basically never blocked anyone on any platform and if I did then whatever made me block you was probably stupidity on MY part and I guarantee I didn't across all platforms so just contact me on a different platform.

I just want to put out the energy that I am always around to listen, to talk, to share.

And meanwhile, I will continue to spread my joy and positivity.

My 2025 resolution is to continue spreading joy and positivity while pursuing my dreams.

I'm already off to a great start, working on my novel.

And my daily affirmations as well as any short videos I make (particularly on TikTok) tend to give that joy and positivity too. I will give that Breeacon of light to all who will listen.

Because that's who I am.

I am here to give you a light when you otherwise can't see any.

I will never judge harshly. (I can't help but have opinions but I will never let those opinions stop me from showing love, kindness, caring, compassion, and empathy towards all, and will certainly hear out anyone.)

I will give you time, energy, and support. Because you deserve it.

And while I may not be able to do much, I know what I can do, and I will gladly do that for the rest of my life.

So stay strong. Be seen. Be heard. And much love. <3

Granted, quite poorly.

But this is a preview into the tragedy of Zeboel. Zeboel is a background character, and until I wrote this song I didn't really know their story other than that they're some form of nonbinary preferring They/Them or It pronouns. As one of the relatively younger Abundant Argon though, I knew Zeboel had to have once been a mortal, and would thus have a story behind how they became one of the 18 Demon God-Lords on farn.

I realized they caused the downfall of the last true claimant of the Toplan (read; Atlantean) empire, the Federation of Ramoan (read; Roman) Children, loosely speaking the farn equivalent of the early Franks in the Charlemagnesque era of the Holy Roman Empire, but with a modern flair where they were basically the modern United States of America ruled by capitalism, where short-term greed led to short-term gains but left a class divide where the rich were focused on getting richer and the poor were left suffering, left to die, and frustrated. It got to the point where all they needed was someone to follow.

Zeboel became that symbol by being representative of the issue. Part of the profession the backbone of farn runs on being profitized (an adventurer), and being a kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic person, a pacifist at that, who wanted nothing to do with violence yet wanted to help the people. When pushed to despair, desperation, and broken, Zeboel was left feeling there was no other options anymore, there was no other way, and embraced their charismatic side to become that symbol of revolution.

This song is the "point of no return" for Zeboel on that path, at the end of the two-thirds mark of the Musical, with the final third demonstrating the bloody revolution would topple the world order but then cause the wave of hate to turn on each other and destroy themselves because without a common foe to unite against and without a way for their hate to go away, they instead directed it towards each other leading to the death of basically everyone.

Zeboel had the chance to rule the rubble, similar to how Mastemo became a King, but Zeboel, thoroughly broken, just...had no desire to. They were left an empty shell, they were left with no purpose, so they just...left. Before the destruction had even actually finished, really. And that lack of a leader to fill the gap caused the farn equivalent of The Dark Ages.

Last year, I made a resolution to spread joy and positivity. It was enhanced by a witchy burn ritual.

I succeeded.

Pretty brilliantly, at that.

I don't like to brag, to show ego, to be arrogant. But at the same time, I know objectively, by every possible metric, I succeeded. I did it. Really really well, at that. The number of people who have told me I did gives an overwhelming amount of evidence that, yes, despite any self-doubt, despite any of my imposter syndrome, despite any of my thoughts downplaying my value...what I did, was exactly that. I spread joy and positivity.

So...what now?

Well that's where we get to my new resolution:
The same, but more!

Not magically enhanced this year, sadly, but my resolution:
Continue spreading joy and positivity, as I did in 2024, but then on top of that, pursue my dreams.

I want to be more specific on "pursue my dreams", but at the same time, 'spread joy and positivity' was itself a bit vague and in this case, what my dreams are may change. Currently my greatest pull is towards my novel, but will that hold steady all of next year? Who knows??? But pursuing dreams can and should.

So let's make it happen.

I know I can do it.

I just have to do it.

Let's live life together.

​Much love. <3

And when talks of energy in our apartment came up, we discovered we quite literally had a monster living under our bed. Or rather, an energy entity that was draining our energy and giving us many negative thoughts. It had come in around September, apparently, and that tracks. That's about when things became more stressful, about the time it became harder to rest/relax, about the time anxieties flared up, about the time thoughts of the past became much worse, about the time my shower thoughts got flooded with negative emotions, etc.

Just a whole bunch of things got worse around then, and now we know why. And with our place cleansed? We're feeling so much better. 

It also gives me an idea of what I maybe need to guard against at my workplace. When I am lifeguarding especially, I am often flooded with thoughts of the past and a lot of negative emotions. It's weirdly only during those times, and largely not around when I'm not lifeguarding, and I feel like there's probably a similar energy/presence hanging around that area which I need to basically tell, "Hey. No. Don't do that."

I'm not really the person with the authority to kick it our or empowered to do so, but what I can do is at least tell it, it doesn't have permission to feed off of me. To go away, that it has nothing to offer me, that I will not accept it, to reject it, etc. I know my building has a lot of harmless ghosts, but there is definitely at least one presence which isn't harmless there, and probably is the reason why my shoulders are in so much agony while lifeguarding and I get bombarded by so many negative thoughts.

Awareness helps create defense and immunity. I had built up pretty good defenses, but while working, those defense mechanisms weren't working, and I feel like I have a good idea why now. With an ability to return to sender and filter out the bad now empowered by recognizing amplification of negative, I can just say, "No. Stop." and hopefully start to improve.

So, hopefully, my strength will continue to get stronger. I already know I am a Breeacon of light. On a spiritual level, quite literally. The amount of light I radiate is immense. (Side-note but a package which should help kels and I a lot just arrived apparently, I'll talk about that in a bit if I remember.) I shine a bright light into the world, and I plan to continue doing so.

For as long as I am alive and okay, I plan to spread joy and positivity.

And...while it might not be useful for everyone, while some find it annoying, or might think them fake, or just out of place, or not bother reading, or so on and so forth? That's okay. That's natural. Not everyone will like everything. What matters is the people it does help. And the people it does help are...quite a lot. I plan to continue to help them, in any way I can, no matter how small. And my skill is in that joy and positivity. It matters, it helps, no matter how small, so I will continue to do it going forward.

And while I don't like that I require the support of friends right now to stay afloat...those friends are making the choice to help support their friend because we need it. And I will continue to try and make it worth it, to continue to improve our situation and give what I can and get to a place where I can reciprocate.

I'm doing pretty good on writing, on the daily check-ins, on the content creation. And on life stuff, we're managing pretty well overall!

So like...just gotta keep going.

I'm optimistic.

Yes, I know. The government as well as their billionaire corporate capitalistic backers and religious extremists want us dead and are empowered next year.

I'm optimistic in our ability to leave them without the power over us they have traditionally held.

To start supporting each other. To cut out the middle-man of corporations and begin directly supporting each other. Local people, as well as friends. Artists, producers of goods, etc. I believe in our ability to build what amounts to a coven, a community. To integrate and network across the world, but to also have spaces together locally.

There's a joke about "not a cult" about similarly-minded individuals, but loosely, the main differences are not having a charismatic leader, not having or even tolerating any form of manipulation, not trying to isolate people, not having any religious doctrine, not having to give up all possessions, etc. Living together and independently of the government without any NEED for many of the things we need individually, with a community pooling resources and dividing labor, but also not having things be unpaid. Loosely speaking.

It's a complex thing and nuanced idea which none of us really have the details of but basically all spiritually-inclined people are wanting and many of our friends despite not being spiritually inclined are on-board with because we are all tired, we are all frustrated, we are all struggling, and we don't want to spend the rest of our lives this way and don't want to rely on the government for fixing these things. And since the government won't help us and corporations won't either...we have to help ourselves.

Now, granted. I will still do my part to make the government be as good as it can be and corporations be held as accountable as they can be--and use all of the resources they offer. But at the same time, as the elite wealthy and the hateful people who think some humans are better than others and some humans aren't even human try to strip those resources, gut them, and try to remove our ability to exist...

...We aren't going to just die.

There's more love in this world than hate.
There's more care in this world than apathy.
There's more support in this world than greed.

And collectively, they are going to allow us to band together, survive, and after widescale socioeconomic changes take place, to thrive.

I know I don't know enough about any of these things to speak about them intelligently, and to yet act on them intelligently.

But I will learn.

We all will.

As the younger generation continues to get more and more frustrated with the struggles of life inflicted on us all, they will get more and more defiant. And creative. And network with likeminded people, who just want to survive.

And as the younger generation gets older, and learns, and begins to gain skills and resources no matter how limited in scope...they are going to not tolerate the oppression and close-mindedness of those who are in power and hold the wealth and want to maintain the status quo.

I believe the future will be brighter. I believe we are headed towards a form of mass-enlightenment. Where people become more open-minded, where people become more empathetic, more attuned, more in-touch with themselves and each other, and communication is emphasized, and connection is encouraged, and people are able to find each other and support each other with greater ease.

It will take time to manifest. And there will be resistance from those who don't want things to change, or want things to change towards how they used to be. But, I believe in our ability to recognize what they are doing. While there's traps, there's pitfalls, to fall into, there's pipelines which can lead to extremism, as a society we are becoming more aware of the tricks being used.

We don't want that fearmongering, that hatemongering, that rage, that fear, that depression, to define our lives.

So we're going to work to make their opposites stronger. That love, trust, and joy, will be so much stronger. Life will always have challenges, but I truly believe the future we are headed towards will be a better one. As much as I feel we're living in the worst timeline, I feel every timeline is headed towards that better future. We have the hardest to actively live in, we have the most challenges and struggles to overcome, we have the most difficulties to tackle.

But despite how we are in the hardest difficulty of life, the hardcore mode of hard modes, I still believe we are heading towards this better world. A world where we're able to exist as we are, be accepted as we are, explore who we are, and just all-around live life as we want to and are meant to overall.

So stay strong. Stay positive. We have a lot of work to do. And it won't be easy. But we have a lot to look forward to, and I am confident that if we keep our joy, keep our positivity, keep our empathy, our love, keep connecting, keep networking, keep learning, and keep putting action in...we'll still get to the future we want.

​Much love. <3

It started with a tarot reading on Wednesday which basically asked me what I wanted to really be spending my time on.

And as it turns out...while I do want to talk about what went on last year, the bleedthrough into this year, and to heal and express my thoughts there as they happen...

...I don't want to do that at the expense of me doing other things.

And that's also why I probably won't be blogging every day going forward; it's not the thing I am most prioritizing.

I made a list of what I really want to do, and that list?
-daily check-ins, the check-ins I've been posting to BlueSky. (I want to also upload them to Instagram but it's slow-going there.)

-1 irl life task completed, or at least 5 minutes on it

-1 sentence written in my novel
-1 sentence reviewed in my novel (Chapter One at the discord convo)
-1 thing transcribed in my novel notes

-1 moment with my wife, Kelsey Marie Lewis
-1 moment with friends

-BONUS: posting a blog.

Daily check-ins are important to me, both because they are what I use to let people know I am alive and okay, but also, because I know I am good at giving people little reminders and reassurances. Small things we all know, but which we can use those small boosts. It might not be much, but I want to try and shine a light for people every day. I can't make any tangible difference in the lives of my loved ones, yet alone strangers, due to how I'm not even really scraping by, but this is something I can do for free, and which I have come to recognize is a skill. I can help people, even if just words, and while it may not be much, it's still something.

Life tasks are important because I need to be pursuing altering my life in ways that are productive to kels and I having the dream lives we want. Even if it's just doing laundry, dishes, or something, even if it's just doing a work task, whatever thing it is, I want to spend at least five minutes a day on improving or at least maintaining my life as it is.

I want to aggressively pursue publishing my novel, as I have a goal of finishing before 2026. I think that if I really push as strongly as I am with the momentum I have, I can do it. I want to keep writing, I want to check the area which needs to be checked and fixed so things flow smoothly despite being written years apart, and I want to organize my notes to be something I can more easily reference and use (since I don't have all the names and info memorized).

My note transcribing largely hasn't been going through my discord notes, which are the vast majority of my notes tbh, but hey, when I get all my notes where I want them to be (and I'm getting much much closer to exactly that!!), I can begin to accurately transcribe those notes and get everything as it should be and start making new info filling in the gaps.

I've gotten a huge amount done in both my note transcribing and in my novelwriting. I technically finished the first chapter of my novel on a technicality and today I wrote nearly the entire first page of Chapter Two!

And with a higher focus on my friends and my wife, I can prioritize what is most important to me, too.

I still want to blog, ideally daily! But it's a secondary priority, compared to my main focus.

And that can lead me into weekly goals.

Bonus weekly, but not daily, goals:
-1 stream on twitch per week
-1 shortform content per week (YouTube, TikTok, Instagram)
-1 thing I haven't explored recently, do at least 5 minutes of trying it out or something related to it

Things I haven't explored can be a great many things. Life stuff. Stream improvements. Discord edits. Networking. Sites to be on. Social media. Art. Music. Transcribing other things.

I don't want them to be at the detriment of the daily ones, but I do want to pursue them regularly as I can.

I have a really good start. It's just about keeping the momentum going.

I have a goal, that when I get sufficiently far in my novel, to begin to post it across the internet. Build a buffer so that I can write as fast as I'm releasing. Get hype going and get people reading, interested, and invested.

And I think I can get it done pretty well.

I just need to put in the work for it.

Thus the hard-pivot.

​Wish me luck. <3