Pretty much nothing good happened today.

It's not that I'm not doing anything.

It's that I am poorly managing my time to do things.

I keep on forgetting the things I want to do when I can actually do them and there's so many inefficiencies which add up and cost me on precious precious time.

​Sorry I'm not managing my life well.

Do I talk about what I am feeling sad about, or about story stuff?

Let's do the former, I guess.

So this is me, with my life.

I have friends online (not irl, friendless there), but while we call ourselves friends, we don't actually interact or do the things friends online do.

I'm not the person people ask to game with; I'm not the person people make friendly consensual jabs at (where you can poke fun at each other); I'm not the person who knows offstream things about someone; I'm not the person people go out of their way to interact with.

I'm just the person people like when we both happen to be around in the same area at approximately/loosely the same time by happenstance.

Which, mind you: is not a bad thing, that's still a good thing, it's just...it's all that I am, when I could be more, but am...just...not.

I've seen countless friend groups show me the dynamic which is one of my deepest most fundamental desires. They talk to each other, they game with each other, they remember things about each other, they KNOW things about each other, they joke with each other, etc.

For those that stream, I can sum up the dynamic thusly: A streamer gets made fun of by their chat for the things they do, say, or mention onstream. A streamer gets made fun of by their friends for the things they have done/said OFF stream.

Those inside jokes, that humor privy only to the friend group unless otherwise shared, is fairly critical. Friendship that extends beyond happenstance, which is actively maintained and reinforced by engaging with each other and vibing. I...have none of that. So this is my life.

Hearing news about a community member passing filled me with incredible sadness.
Because it hit me like a truck; I've been thinking about my life, my space in my communities, and what it'd be like if I suffered a demise, and it made me realize that I will be only a lesser version of a life like the one that was lost.
I'll never touch lives in a manner as profound, as kind, as that. And I probably won't even have anyone know I am gone-gone. If I were to die, nobody I care about would actually know. They'd notice I was gone, but they'd never know why I was gone.

I love them all so much. I want to give them so much. But the love and adoration I have for them, the support I want to give them, it's all just incredibly temporary. Us being in the same spot at the same time. It doesn't last. It doesn't persist. The feelings may, but the bond doesn't extend beyond 30 second interactions.

So I just...feel so alone.
I'm surrounded by friends, who I love and adore, and who call me friend and love and adore me, but I feel so alone.

I'm trying to be better about it, but.

I'm not mastering it yet.

Better.

​But not there yet.

Okay so today has a good explanation for my, namely, one unfortunate dream cascading into an endless cycle of repeating the same equally bad dream.

Basically, I dreamed that I woke up to my alarm--
And then I jolted awake when somehow I sensed I was not awake in spite of having remembered waking.

So in real life, I was awake, after that dream. Unfortunate, but one-time disruption, right?

...Well after that, because I had the dream I woke up to my alarm, I told myself to not fall for it again.
Which caused my subconscious to instead treat every single dream as "oh no I slept through my alarm".

Meaning I basically got no sleep last night at all.

Butstill.

I literally had a blog I wanted to make.

I would like to not be so sleepy that I can't make it.

Ah well.

​Maybe tomorrow.

Time keeps flying by.
Months are passing without me being cognizant of it.
Weeks are flying by at the drop of the hat.
Each day is way way way too short.

Heck, even today! I was realizing that the day was short and nearing the end, but I figured I may as well go to bed a little early and began wrapping up my internet activities early.

I'm now borderline late in spite of having begun the bed process earlier than normal.

What the hell.

Time, I need more of you, please.

Also the devil of procrastination which will make me hate myself when I realize everything I didn't get done.

Butyeah, been a bit hyperfocused but hella distracted as of late, so apologies to everyone including myself for not having, so to speak (apologies for the vulgarity), "my shit together".

It's midnight, you get up in 5.5 hours, you aren't getting up in 3.5 hours like last week but you still need sleep.

Two days ago it was ADHD'd into oops-not-done, where I was legit staying up JUST to make a blog...and then I forgot.

Yesterday it was pure exhaustion.

I'll admit though that I don't really want to blog today because my mental health is at an all time low.

To explain.

I had what was essentially a core part of my identity have the rose-tinted glasses ripped off violently.
It was already going to be a slow peel of the bandaid since I had realized my mistake naturally without being pushed.
But realizing just how bad it was has sent me into an incredibly terrible downward spiral.

I was holding onto that thing to give me strength to live.

I can't cry but my eyes are tearing up with the desire to because I don't know what I am living for anymore.

I was shaken that badly by this realization of the unintentional harm I've been causing.

In the very thing I was holding onto to justify my life's existence because I thought it good, not being good.

I don't know what to live for anymore.
I was living for the thing that I've realized is not a good thing.

I don't know what to do.

I am responsible for hurt.

I don't know why I am going on with life anymore.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know how to act.

I feel.
Lost.
Like I don't exist.
Like I've no reason to.
That I can do nothing.

I know what I've done to now be wrong.
And it is crushing.
When what you thought was good made up your reason for being and then you realize it was not actually good and that for the sake of others you must stop.

What does that leave left.

Shambles. Which I don't know how to pick back up.

Nothing.

I just.

Why am I living.

I have done so much wrong.

It's been in an attempt to do good--but intention doesn't matter. Results do. And the results are harm, not good. Just. Harm.

And so I just.

​I don't want to exist right now.

Like, this is genuinely baffling.

Normally, when I have days go by and am disappointed in my lack of having done what I wanted to do, I can point to exactly where the time went. "Oh I spent 3 hours on this game", "oh I spent 2 hours on mafia", etc.

But so far this week, I just...don't know where my time is going???

I mean, today I woke up fairly late (which is itself an example in a sense), and will be going to bed early (which artificially shortens the day), but like.

I still don't know where the time goes???

I spent ~4 hours with my attention divided between two streams. From ~1:30 to 5:30, I can account for that time.

It's 10 pm now.

And that means there's four and a half hours where I've zero memory of doing anything.

Yeah, I had a streamed movie in the background, but I wasn't dedicated to watching it.
Yeah, I had a twitch stream or two open in the background, but I wasn't watching them.
They were background noise, white noise to help me.

...So what was I doing???

Like.

I know what I wasn't doing. I wasn't watching streams.
But for the life of me.

I can't figure out what I was doing.

I know I had to be doing something. Because I have vague memories of having spent the entire time I had those streams in the background, as having done something while having those streams in the background. I remember the background, but remember it wasn't dedicated to the stream backgrounds. They were backgrounds, not foregrounds.

So what was the foregrounds?!?

I have zero memory of things.

Like, I remember spending the majority of the movie I watched being looking up the movie on tvtropes.
But it wasn't all of the movie.

So what else was I doing???

And what did I do after it ended???

There's missing time.

I don't know what happened.

I don't know where my time keeps disappearing to.

Everything I have memory of doing doesn't fill enough time, not even remotely.

​So I keep on having time disappear.