I'm sure I had half a dozen things I wanted to blog about, but come time to actually blog about them...I'm kinda drawing a blank, sorry. I'm just not sure what to say, I guess.
And let me tell you, it is a good feeling to be having. I mean. I always feel a little feminine. But it's been getting stronger and stronger and stronger as of recently. I don't know why, but I am glad for it because it is an awesome feeling and I just feel more...alive, I guess. More me. More like I'm living life as I should.
Potentially related, potentially unrelated, hard to say, but right now my mind seems to be addressing myself a lot as Bree. This might not seem like a big thing to you--but it is. Most of the times, either my mind doesn't drop names, or it's one of mastina/Ranger. (Usually more mastina as of late.) In fact, if you were to ask me two weeks ago, I'd be saying I was almost exclusively referring to myself as mastina, because she was the aspect in me strongest.
...Yet now, I actually feel like it's another part of me that's strongest, that's most dominant. This is a bit of a weird thing to talk about, since it's incredibly hard to explain the inner workings of my mind, about the aspects of me, about how they are interwoven, separated, yet not, but basically, calling myself Bree means a lot. It is a very big thing. It might not sound like much of a thing. But it is in fact a big thing.
It's basically me having an internal recognition of my own identity. I can't really stress how soothing that is. To just hear it in my mind, and know it to be true. I am Bree. And hearing that makes me happy. It's hard to explain just how much I am giddy about it, but...it's there, with me feeling just. Good. And I honestly can't think of anything else to say today other than that.
Being a girl is awesome.
I suppose I've done a fair amount of note-taking, of sorts. Like. I've been increasing my visibility in terms of connections and whatnot. Doing just some record-keeping, basically. Accounting. Building things up. Listing them. Making things. Preparing for future endeavors. The like.
To be honest. It kinda feels like that's the sort of stuff which should be on my blog, but is currently not on my blog. But mainly, it's because the things that I am recording are specific to the things that I am recording. For instance, if I do work on mafia stuff, that is stuff that isn't really personal. Well. It is. It's me as a person. And probably worthless to people other than me. But it's also. Personal yet specific. Rather than what my blog is, which is more or less...personal yet generic.
Not sure if that quite makes sense. But basically, I've been working hard on getting a more professional image in all aspects of my life. Even the ones which are for fun. I imagine that when I gather up the courage (or stupidity) to tackle actively making a webcomic again, I'll similarly be presenting a united front.
At least, that's the idea. I mean. The art I've been making (sporadic as it has been) has been pretty dang awesome and been reasonably high in quality. I'm reasonably good at looking things up and figuring out what needs to be done. The few times I'm not able to, well. I have literally half a dozen people who have offered to help me. Even if most of them aren't around anymore (and I imagine most of them would still be around! At least, that's the hope), it'd only take one to get me going.
Worst case scenario, instead of asking how to do it I just ask someone else to do it though even there I don't see that as something too drastic. Butyeah. I'm basically...kinda in the zone where I want people to see what I've done. I want people to see my accomplishments. Yet I feel like this blog is a very poor place for me to do so. It can be done. To some extent. Yet it's also best handled elsewhere.
I just think that I am at my strongest when I am reasonably interconnected, with every point having a purpose. And that means not dumping everything into one spot. That means having it spread out. So while this blog has been from the start, "literally anything could be posted", it has also been "literally everything won't be posted". Just. Most things, if that makes sense.
Soyeah. I've been doing a lot, just. Not much on this blog. I admittedly should be doing more here. But I am in fact doing stuff, and it is stuff I think is good.
I mean. There are any number of things which happened today that I could talk about. But me wanting a nap is at the top of the list, because I am falling asleep as I type this. I don't know why I need a nap. I went to bed reasonably early last night and woke up relatively late, so I shouldn't be tired, but I am tired, so because I am tired my mind is literally shutting down. I'm losing coherency, I'm going into tired mode, where typos are tending to show up and my sentence structure tends to go all nonsensical.
Well, more nonsense than normal that is. Like, I tend to call this effect "tiredposting", as in, akin to the commonly-used term "drunkposting" which is when people online post when drunk, because my tiredposting basically is drunkposting. I lose my ability to notice mistakes. I lose my ability to form good thoughts. I basically become a mess, as if drunk, while sober.
Never had a drink in my life. (I mean, it's something I vaguely hold interest in, but it's a very bad idea for a myriad of reasons. Aside from me being bipolar with mental disorders tending not to mix with alcohol very well, there's also the fact that both sides of my family have histories of alcoholism, meaning my genes are predisposed to that sort of addiction. Plus I know me and I NATURALLY get addicted to things and I imagine alcohol would be no different, so. Just...not something I should ever lay hands on.)
But I imagine the effects of being drunk do put one in the mindset of a tired posting, basically. A tired person and a drunk person tend to share many of the same characteristics. Alcohol tends to invoke sleepytime like effects on people, makes them pass out if they have too much, the like. I just genuinely think that a person tired enough is basically thinking in an altered state that is what people who are drunk get in.
Butyeah. I'm not coherent. It's only 11:23. I might sound loosely coherent to you, but it's getting harder and harder by the minute to form a thought which is one stream. Like, this is how my mind wanders. I do a lot of correcting even in this state; I'd be much worse if I let this continue for another half hour or so. It does get to the point where I type typos without even knowing I am doing so, though to some extent a lack of care also applies in that sometimes I'll notice but not bother to correct them because it's too tiring and much effort to actually do that.
But even then it's something that doesn't guarantee success. I mean, I typo even when sober, even when awake, but it gets worse when in this state because it gets harder for me to notice my mistakes. Which I am making a ton more of by the way. My punctuation also tends to shift when I'm in this state, for instance. I think you have noticed by now that I sound like I'm doing run-on sentences?
Well it's not like that in my head, except actually maybe it is. It's complicated. But at this stage I just think I'd rather take a nap than explain this further. I'd say I'd write an entry later, but I'm planning on sleeping until midnight or later which would place the newest possible entry on a separate date so you'll just ave to hawt.
...As in, not last night, but the night before, Friday night, prior to Saturday.
It's not necessarily all I had to talk about, but it's the thing I feel most like doing for today at least.
Basically, the story (the dream became a fullblown one, as per the norm) dealt with a fallen angel as the protagonist.
To put it into more words: God in this setting is known to exist to all of His eternal children. (Humans, as mortal children, don't know He exists for sure.) But He's an incredibly distant figure. As in, basically the stern father: He knows everything which will happen, but does nothing to stop it from happening. He does care about all of His children, both ethereal and mortal, but He does so with this distance.
He will not coddle someone. He will not intervene and mess with the laws of nature to spare disasters from happening. He will, perhaps, subtly warn people. But He does not directly do acts of divine intervention. Prayers to Him can be useful: if someone prays to Him to have the capability to see something through ("please God give me strength to survive this", for instance), then He may lend some slight support, but this is not guaranteed. If someone prays to Him to give a miracle because they can't find a solution, He probably isn't going to answer, but there's always the minuscule chance He decides that it is in fact necessary.
This led to many angels questioning God. God's choice of what to do and what not to do in regard to humanity ended up leaving angels feeling like something needed to be done, so when one of God's three archangels decided to defect, it started a rebellion.
(Note that, as per the norm, strictly speaking, all ethereal beings are genderless. God lacks a gender, and so too do angels, but God is referred to as a He for convenience and angels tend to have a gender they prefer to appear as, so they are called he/she as appropriate.)
The protagonist was meant to be the main general of the war against the rebellion. She would basically be directly under the two loyal archangels in the hierarchy: their best warrior and fighter, their best strategist, and a really big deal, the highest position available to a normal angel like her. As in, third-in-command. (Well, fourth, since there are two second-in-commands.) With first being God. Who doesn't really bother to intervene. So effectively second (well, third) in command.
...Yet in the last moment, God, sensing her cruelty, decided to instead pick her rival for the position, which led her to be incredibly bitter, to the point where she defected, and became the right-hand-woman of the rebellion, fighting against God.
Her side had the numbers advantage with about the same power between the sides per angel. This put her in the position where her side was actually winning the war against God, even without her help, and she helped make it all the more decisive. (By the way, an angel is normally immortal except to another angel; an angel killed by an angel will essentially merge with the archangel they are loyal most to. This is incentive for both sides to actually avoid killing one another, as it makes the factional leaders stronger. An angel can if in mortal form be killed, of course--but they simply return to the ethereal normally.)
...However, in a decisive battle, her rival actually managed to defeat her. (Plot-wise, this had the effect of turning a surefire win for the rebellion into a stalemate, because she was necessary to press the advantage and her rival being on the field without her would keep God from losing.)
And instead of being captured or killed, her rival decided to do something else: strip her of her powers, and leave her trapped in mortal form with absolutely no magic in the mortal realm. This is where the plot really kicks off. (Most of the above is backstory; the prologue kicks off with the battle, and the results with her losing it.)
She basically has to deal with all of her attitude problems and learn how to survive, since she is incredibly out of touch with the mortal realm. But over the course of the dream, while she was several times repeatedly pushed to the breaking point, she did undergo character development, especially thanks to a guy she met.
The story spanned years (as in, there's significant plot every step of the way but I kept going until she had multiple children with her oldest being a ten year old daughter), and over that time her competency tends to improve as her empathy and understanding does. She's the adventuring team's strategist (this being a fairly medieval fantasy setting, she later becomes part of a wandering band), and later learns to fight quite well using mortal methods.
At one point, nearing the end of the story, she faces a threat that none of her friends can overcome, even with her best efforts to help them, and she stands nearly powerless herself, being the last one capable of stopping the threat yet even her efforts failing. Every trick she had, not working. In that moment, she genuinely prays to God to give help, which He does give, by restoring her powers.
It's later revealed to her that God, of course, saw this all as the natural conclusion from what would happen if He didn't make her the general, and He said the position would be hers now if she so desired to have it--specifically because now she was the type of person worthy of holding that position.
I realize the plot isn't exactly the most of original of concepts, but give my subconscious a break; it was a lovely show to watch and legitimately made me wish I could write the full story for it, because I think that my particular take on it would still be interesting. This blog post has done a really poor job of articulating the conflict, and more importantly, is absolutely abysmal at explaining her basic character, and how she evolves over the story, and the nature of the message to be had, which isn't nearly as preachy as this blog post would have you believe, but that's just the thing, my words make you think that from the description even though I know the actual story isn't like that so for now you'll just have to take my word for it that it's not cringe-worthy, except for the parts that are intentionally so.
My family decided to spring on me the decision to watch Agents of Shield.
I've made my thoughts abundantly clear on things like this before: "Literally I have no problem and actually want to watch it, too...if you give me warning." As in. Before I have actually planned my day out, warning. Not, "hey we want to watch this literally now".
So I'm a bit ticked off right now.
I have told them this multiple times.
I have told them that I can watch it with them if they actually tell me about it.
But I need to have the advanced warning, so that I can actually plan on not being able to do anything else.
Because by default, without that advanced warning, I plan on being able to do everything else.
I really don't know how that is so freakin' hard for them to understand. I warn them of my plans every time I think they could prove inconvenient. (Not that they actually remember, or communicate to each other, about said plans, but that's not my fault; I communicated to them and them not accounting it isn't something they can blame on me.) Why do they think I shouldn't have the same courtesy?
I can accommodate them really, really easily if they warn me in advance.
Like. Ridiculously easy. As in, five minutes, easily. Because I am ready for it, I am prepared to "do nothing" for the day, and react appropriately.
I cannot accommodate them much if at all if they spring it on me last minute while I'm in the middle of a very long daily plan. Which Saturdays, by default, always are. I reserve a lot for Saturdays. I mark them as a time I am unavailable, both for work and for mafia. But in spite of that I do a metric ton of work on that day anyways.
So for them to interrupt that, without warning, is...really something they shouldn't be surprised at when I react with a very strong negative implication of "NO"? My time should be my time. Their time is their time. I don't interfere in their time. Like, my parents even were out at their favorite resort today, albeit doing work preparing for a party they're the hosts of. And they came home late.
As in, after 8, late.
On a night where I haven't eaten yet.
And where I usually go to bed after midnight given I work in the early mornings Sundays. (Speaking of which, something I haven't checked yet is which morning shift I am working. There's no doubt I work tomorrow, but which shift makes a different in my routine and I need to ask.)
I had planned out an approximate use for every single one of those three hours. About an hour for blogging, about an hour for eating, and approximately one hour for wrap-up across the internet, said wrap-up being something I will now have to cut short and am very angry at. (I had to log out abruptly and suddenly, leaving work unfinished.)
If they inform me of their plans (THIS IS A SIMPLE THING TO DO ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY WERE AROUND WHEN I FIRST GOT UP!), then I can adjust my plans. But if they don't inform me of their plans, then they really shouldn't react so negatively upon discovering their plans conflict with mine...because they didn't. bother. to. tell. me.
Blame family night. I'll try to make it up to you tomorrow, though. I had inspiration which I feel would make a rather excellent blog post, just so long as I formatted it more clearly.
As per usual, a round dance, during which I was relatively productive in terms of occupying my brain with story details. In fact, I even managed to have it be related to the Rubyverse, albeit not something directly from the comic itself.
Basically, one concept I had in one of my mega-universes (actually a multiverse, but that's a technicality), in its modern setting (well one of them anyway), is the concept of "stashes": a cache of various things, originally just weapons but later expanded to include generic supplies, first aid equipment, various magical artifacts, and the like.
These magical caches would be unlocked by a person sending a minuscule burst of magic into the appropriate 'lock', as the key. Some stashes further require a 'code' to be entered, where someone will do something like "three to the left, five to the right". Some caches require a specific trigger, too--a magical signature from a particular element, or even coded to be a magical signature from a specific group of people. (This one's harder, obviously.)
A basic feature of these stashes would be that they are accessed before a battle has begun, or after a battle has ended, but not during a battle. Mind you, if you see an opponent with hostile intention approaching, then combat hasn't yet begun and rules favor the defender, namely, if the attacker attacks the defender before they finish, the defender will not face retribution for claiming the weapons midway through the fight. (For this reason, most attackers clearly announce their presence, make sure the defender is either not near a cache or has gotten it, and only then attack, because it's not worth the hassle.)
These stashes exist everywhere across the world, in many objects. The magical seal is perfect to the non-magical, in that the objects these stashes are hidden within never act in a way which is different from the numerous identical objects around them. But they exist a plenty. Sometimes having a single item within. Sometimes a whole horde of weapons within.
These can be anything--inside of a wall. Inside of a tile. Inside of a brick. Inside wood. Inside concrete. Inside of metal. Inside of a lamp post. Inside of a fence. Inside of a statue. Inside of a fountain. Basically, in nearly every public location, these stashes exist. (Incidentally if you couldn't tell, this is a concept I made up when I was actively visiting said places and imagining weapons within, reaching them with a magical touch, thus, why I got into the habit of touching various objects as a kid and still have that habit. Tapping something, for instance.)
This is a really nifty concept, so I decided today that I'd port it into the Rubyverse. Now, the thing about the Rubyverse is that it has a whole ton of different types of magic, and different people who would want these stashes. So, how would they be formed in the first place, and how would they be restocked? In the world that they originated from this was not an issue, but the Rubyverse would need a new explanation, and I LOVE the explanation I came up with:
Universal Donors, as they are called. Universal Donors are individuals who are entirely mundane, human individuals. They have the same capacity for magic as anyone else does, in that they theoretically have some but pragmatically have none. They hold no special attributes, no special immunities, they're just human...
...Except, they have the unique quirk that they are capable of using any type of magic...on a microscopic level. As in, they can give those short, small bursts to a stash in order to open it, refill it, and seal it again, and this is their job. They travel the world and constantly fill orders of stashes which need to be refilled. Many Universal Donors do so full-time, wandering from one place to another. Since everyone uses stashes, everyone recognizes active Universal Donors and will be more than happy to provide necessary services to the Universal Donors such that they are capable of continuing on.
Other Universal Donors are part-time, assigned to specific locations which are hard to get into unless you are a local, and stay there and are activated only when needed. Now, a rule of Universal Donors is that they can only fill a stash when there is no conflict ongoing. In a war, there must be a ceasefire. Or a truce. Or something, that is mutually agreed on by both sides. Another rule is a lack of bias, in that a Universal Donor--while they may hold lodging on one side of the war (and even have people fighting on one side of the war)--must refill stashes equally.
These Universal Donors are allowed to enlist the aid of someone in refilling a stash they otherwise can't get access to. Closing an area off. Performing memory wipes. Giving access to a restricted area. These are things a Universal Donor often needs help with. But otherwise, they don't really use others, except as a means to survive. Universal Donors are also not given a free pass to slouch off on life, at least, not by virtue of being a Universal Donor. A Universal Donor who is doing so basically full-time may be given the full luxuries of life, but they're earning their keep; a Universal Donor who refills a stash or two once or twice a month is going to be rewarded for it, but be only a part-time Universal Donor (with the reward as a bonus), needing something else to sustain themselves.
Universal Donors can have specialties. Some specialize in certain areas. Or certain types of hiding spots. Or certain items to hide. Or certain clients. After all...these people, while exposed to the world of magic and supernatural and technological, are still human. With human levels of learning and processing information. It's not like becoming a Universal Donor means you instantly know how to do any job, anywhere. It requires training and learning.
However, while those Universal Donors may have specialties, they are forbidden from having preferences, aside from the choice of how much they wish to be a Universal Donor. (Including travel or lack thereof.) A Universal Donor may inform a potential client they lack the training, but cannot refuse a job they have as within their given boundaries.
So some Universal Donors might have a specialty in, say, vampires, or supernatural creatures in general, or supernatural creature hunters (hunters don't often have magic, but they can usually fake it well enough to have a stash, which I suppose is plot-convenient for Red Hood Rider in that it gives me a way to have Herald have his weapons readily available with a justification), or magical girls (not a frequent client mind you, since magical girls tend to not need any physical thing, but they exist), or a multi-purpose stash (basically a stash that most magically-sensitive individuals can sense and unlock), and so on and so forth. But they would always have a requirement to be available to, say, create a technomancer stash.
Like I said. I really love the concept and I think it's a great addition to the Rubyverse, in that it allows for a great deal of flexibility. Mind you, it doesn't decrease drama. Just because these stashes are abundant doesn't mean they're in the location the heroes are in, for instance. (So no magical healing from a nearby otherwise-invisible cache.) Or maybe there is, but it's empty because someone else recently used it and it hasn't been refilled yet. But it gives a lot of ability for me to have a choice in things.
Another thing I thought of, and this isn't really specific to the Rubyverse per se, though it does apply to it, is that I was trying to figure out why gems are so universally considered magical, in that they often are seen as magical amplifiers and are seen as magical storage in that they store magic, and often focus it, and amplify it, and all of these various things for gems, no matter the type.
Magical gems (as in, gems that don't really exist). Crystal gems. Magical crystal gems. Diamonds. Rubies. Emeralds. Sapphires. There are literally hundreds I could name (a bunch from Steven Universe, a bunch not in the show yet but wouldn't surprise me to see eventually in there, a bunch which aren't technically gemstones yet are often considered such anyway, you get the idea), but most if not all of them are given magical properties, beyond their aesthetical, monetary, and/or pragmatic values. (Things like being the sharpest weapon available, most durable weapon available, hardest weapon available, the like.)
All of them, we tend to have that association, and I was wondering why that is. I mean. I tend to hold it true, myself. As in, it applies in the Rubyverse. Gems are good for many types of magic there. I just don't actually know why they are, they just...ARE.
It's something which I'm honestly considering trying to google, to see if maybe the internet holds an answer. You'd think that'd be ridiculous, but I'm not actually sure it would be, thanks to just how common this concept is. It has to originate from somewhere.
I mean. I KNOW that I can look up the magical/symbolical meaning/power/strength/use of these things. There's entire websites devoted to the subject. You could read for hours the various properties of a Ruby and what different Rubies symbolize and mean and do and are supposed to accomplish and the like. That, I know I could do.
But I'm legitimately and genuinely curious to know if maybe there is actually a reason humanity universally ascribed this magical power to those things. Then again, maybe not. Humanity also gave magical power to basically every animal in existence in some culture across the world. Some of these meanings are self-evident, some of them are based on the history of the culture, but others, your guess is as good as mine as to how the creature became symbolic of that thing.
Who knows? I guess there's only one way to find out. Maybe if I remember I'll give an update, though far more likely I'll just forget. I thought it was an interesting exercise though. I guess I could BS an explanation, but that felt inherently wrong to me, because I felt an explanation already existed, even if not one I know now. (Yes I know the Rubyverse is my own creation, that doesn't matter because it has a life beyond me and this is one way it is beyond me.)
Right now, my best guess is that it loosely has to do with maybe them being just naturally one of the best substances at absorbing magic. Why they are so good at absorbing magic, I wouldn't know. I'd think it could maybe have to do maybe with their shining properties, that is, their interaction with light, but even there that's sketchy since there are literally hundreds of gemstones and they all have different such properties.
Oh well. It's a nice thought exercise all the same.
It basically involved some sort of adventure, with me as part of a group. I lived a double-life, and we came back to an old place of mine (represented by my school, in the building I know it by), where I interacted with people incredibly well. I was a bit nervous, as it was my first public appearance, but I was okay.
I received a note, addressed to my alternate self, to meet in a room, where I would get to discuss my stories. There, the person blabbered what was basically gibberish, but I was still somehow able to interpret them and figure out a few of my actual stories I have written as what they were talking about.
They asked me about my identity, and I explained to them the details, at which point they hugged me and basically told me that I needed to have confidence in myself and to just be who I want to be. At this point I thought this was a too-good-to-be-true thought (I was virtually crying at their kind words)...which tipped me off to it being a dream.
I was very briefly in control of the dream, but soon after, I got ripped from the world and into consciousness, so my lucidity didn't last, unfortunately. Still, I enjoyed it all the same.
If I actually thought about it, anyway. But honestly, I'm getting tired so I kinda want to take a nap. So, unfortunately, I will have to pass on that. I did think about something worthy of note, though, so while I won't be blogging about real-life stuff today (unless you count me mentioning a nap as me blogging about my real life stuff), I will be talking a little bit about my webcomic. You know, the one I'm actually supposed to be working on?
Yeah, Red Hood Rider. In this case, I actually dealt a little with the character of Ana. I thought of a rather humorous omake which would feature her, basically with Sally asking her over the phone if she knew about something, with her responding, "No, I don't, but I'll be sure to look it up for you". Sally thanks her, ends the call, beat panel, and then the realization sinks in.
I also thought of maybe expanding her character. She mostly serves as a friend, as emotional support, and not much else right now. She has an innate ability to sense what's going on with her friends (and this is explicitly not magic, just her having a natural ability to empathize extremely well and pick up on anything--emotions, faults, whatever), but I was thinking that maybe beyond her role in the story (she does have plot significance), she could be one of the alternative sources for information. I have a few in the story already, but not many, and Ana would be a nice fit for giving characters a source of exposition if they need it.
The other thing I worked on today was the idea of maybe creating cast images for Heroes of Gistou, the novel I am currently supposed to be working on but really haven't been. I wouldn't include spoilers, but I'd do "known antagonists", "known heroes", "known figures of interest", and the like. The main thing stopping me from doing so is two factors. One, I wouldn't be able to draw them with the detail necessary for them to be realistic to my vision. Two, I wouldn't be able to fit the amount of info into the bio that I would want if this were a drawing. So probably won't end up actually doing it.
I suppose I should mention that my internet glitched and weebly failed to save the title of my blog entry even though that's the thing I entered first, so if the title of this blog post doesn't look to translate directly into the text as well as it should, that would be why.
That's about all I have to offer though.
Just your average blogger.