I crave the pleasures of the...well, whatever really. Flesh, mind, soul, whatever wasting my time would be called. Napping in spite of knowing I have to do stuff and that if I napped now I wouldn't sleep properly which is extra important since I'm the opening guard tomorrow. Playing games instead of doing stuff I'm supposed to. I'm just all kinds of being a hot mess right now.
Which is terrible.
Now granted, I'm at peace with my inner darkness, in that I am okay with being a terrible person. There's nothing wrong with this kind of terribleness. I mean, there is. But there's nothing so inherently wrong with being terrible that it's abhorrent. At least I have to tell myself that considering if there were, well, that'd be...whatever's worse than terrible.
I'm probably rambling in nonsense mode. But I'm not the traditionally-terrible-person. Yet in ways I am. I have an awful lot of shortcomings and pretending I don't is delusional. Right now me being in this weakminded place is me succumbing to some of my more negative aspects.
I'm not always weak, mind you. Sometimes I have incredible strength. Right now, not so much though. I'm not always an awful person, sometimes I'm a wondrous person, especially since it's really hard to accept your inner darkness as a part of you. I don't really fight it, I don't try to expunge it, to deflect it. I absorb it. Let it pass through me. Ideally, I do so and then become stronger from the results.
But right now, it's just caving into it.
I know I'll recover eventually, but.
Eventually isn't now.
And that's really frustrating me. I want to be better and I know all it'd take to be better is for me to stop talking about being better and take the plunge into being better yet I'm content to sit by and just be me which is the terrible thing I keep mentioning. There's nothing wrong with me being me...until me being me starts to have negative consequences which aren't easily reversed and I'm reaching that point.
It kinda sucks.
I wish I could be more coherent here.
But this is the best I've got.