Didn't blog yesterday since by the time I remembered I was already in bed.
Can't blog today since I am late for bed but I want to be as little late as is possible.
I need to build my youtube buffer back up since I'm pretty sure I have none.
I need to watch the rest of the debunk stream going on right now.
Tomorrow I ideally need to shower.

I should note today was an accomplishment in lore once more (writing down something I forgot to write down, a few detail things, and then fleshing out an entire non-farn realm), did a little bit of minecraft, did a little bit of progress on my art profile picture, and it's a productive day but again: am late for bed so...crud.

I had my generator running with internet every night without power, and six days into the outage, my power was fixed. So that'd be...Thursday, power, Friday, power, and today is Saturday, with me not having written a blog since then.

Mostly, that was me just being stupid and not doing the blog in spite of having it on my mind. Anyway, I suppose I should mention, I've basically caught up on life since the power outtage. I managed to finally grind out the league/tft quests, and thus my only reason to play more was if I wanted to attempt to raise my rank higher. But, I'm content to have it as-is, and leave it there.
(That said, I will have to put some time in to the preseason on Ashe, because while it certainly won't be optimal, I have in mind a hybrid poke/dps build. I already run comet with celerity and approach velocity for lane power that allows for building dps or poke, taking a tear to start. I know in past seasons Shieldbow + Manamune worked as a combo. But now I'm thinking that Shieldbow + ER + Navori would work as a combo, maybe Manamune as fourth or going full crit if not.)

I'll say that a lot of the lack-of-me-present is largely thanks to me being very unhealthy in mafia games. (Silver lining, there's like a 50-75% chance I get banned soon which, hey! Fixes the issue there. >_> <_<) I've been pouring 4-8 hours per day into mafia.

And then I tell myself. "Okay, never again."

And then I do it the next day, and say. "Okay, never again."

And then I do it the next day, and say "I can't keep doing this so this has to be the last day." And then it isn't.

And every work day, I go "okay you can use the phone but no looking at mafia".
And then every work day I look at mafia.
And then I say "okay you can browse offline, but you can't log in to post".
And then half the days I end up logging in to post.

And even though I have every reason to not pay attention to games I am not currently alive in the game as a player in, with my removal from the game as a good way to experience the sweet release of no longer caring and just moving on.

Turns out, as you might have been able to guess, I keep reading.

So mafia has been very very very bad for me.

I kept telling myself. "I'm going to be less active, I'm going to do less, I'm going to do things with more control."
And then I got more unhinged instead.

So like.

I basically have destroyed my life for the umpteenth time thanks to the game that I love but I hate how much it impacts my life. (I'd like to reiterate that I can't go too explicit because of ongoing game rules, but everything I've said here is generic not-game-specific enough to be fine especially since it's all public info and not game-reliant. Just generic things piling up tbh.)

Still.
It may be tempting fate, but I believe that phase of unhealthy mafia activity has ended in my life. (See also, may get banned soon.)

​We'll have to see.

Anyway, with my life beginning to normalize, some to-do things.

I need to finish my art profile picture, but any time I can be lucid and not absentminded, I should be working on my novel instead.
I want to work on minecraft but I know I won't finish my novel goals if I do.

The majority of my time needs to be spent on novel-writing.

Tomorrow I need to, ideally, stream, but if not, at least build my youtube video buffer back up again. (Ideally ideally, do both!)

I need to actually make the thread about youtube videos released that I said I would do.

I need to take a shower tomorrow.
I need to get back into brushing my teeth.
I need to get better at applying the moisturizer to my body to keep it from having breakouts.
I need to shave.

Which is...well. Both a lot, and yet, not a lot.

I've got less work in the next couple of weeks.
But like--on that note, I need to keep up my workouts. I've been quite pathetic there.

I developed an entire routine--and then have done nothing with it at all.

​I need to get better.

I did something today that freed a lot of the burden from my shoulders. Genuinely, before I did it I was literally in a spot of darkness, misery, anger, and utter exhaustion. I couldn't remember being happy. I was just tired in every way possible, and angry at so many things. And I wanted it to just...stop.

So I did. I did something which made it not be an issue.

And once I did it, it genuinely was a weight off our shoulders.

Immediate relief. And I mean immediate relief. Within five minutes, a flood of positive emotions.

Feeling giddy, happy, upbeat.

For the first time we can remember in weeks.
Calm, relaxed. Just, serene.

We were happy. We were free. We were good. We suddenly had the time and mindset for working out, and to actually knock out life tasks.

All good, right?

Sounds like it should've been a good thing, right?

And, well.

It certainly would have been!

...Except for one small issue.

We ADHD'd our way back into doing the same thing. It has become an obsession. A very unhealthy one at that.
We let go. We were free.
And then we weren't. Because we are stupid. We are dumb.

Even now we're thinking of that thing and it is taking every rational part of us to go, "NO. No. Bed. Not that. BED."

Which gives an idea for how bad it is. It's genuinely an addiction--and yet.

In spite of knowing how unhealthy it is, in spite of knowing how it is making this hellish week all the much worse.

We keep going back.

For god only knows what reason.

See also, we are stupid. And we hate it.

I mean, physically, not so much. It did leave our foot blistered when normal workdays don't, but that's minor. In of itself, yesterday was fine otherwise. Altho the fatigue is definitely felt--today's drive home from work felt alarmingly dangerous, because tiredness built up from exhaustion.

Emotionally, well yes but we've recovered.

The main way it messed us up was scheduling-wise and all the fallout which follows.

We were meant to do a minimum of 7 things today.

Watching one video.
Watching two vods.
Brushing teeth.
Going to bed on time.
Taking a shower.
Keeping discord talks up to date.
And catching up on mafia games. (We usually take Saturdays off. Which is normally fine, because we have eight hours of free time on Sunday to devote to the game. Not yesterday! Yesterday we had a maximum possible of two. Two hours, IF we were doing NOTHING BUT mafia. Suffice to say, we did not get that done.)

We tried to do them all.

You know how many we got done?

Well if we brush our teeth, that'll be two.
Otherwise?

One.

One, of seven.

These are genuinely all things that I could've gotten done if I had my normal amount of free time.
If I didn't have a double shift yesterday, if we didn't work ten hours yesterday, if we worked a far more sane five, then we'd have had five hours to devote to knocking tasks out.

We wouldn't have needed to even watch the DRX vod, because we'd have caught it live. (Maybe the very beginning we'd miss, but the most of it we'd catch.) Instead, we came in on the ending of game 4, meaning we had 4 games to watch and then some. (In our credit, we did get to near the end of game 2, but we honestly should rewatch that game since we didn't even notice when DRX got the edge there. It started with an EDG advantage and we knew EDG won the first two, so we kinda figured "oh EDG just won this from that early play, match wrapped", except actually no, it was an EDG win but DRX had the lead and I didn't really notice when or how that happened, so like...we clearly weren't paying enough attention to game 2 meaning we need to rewatch it. But I digress. Point is, we didn't finish that.)
We would probably have had time to watch the Paranormal Detour second episode.

We'd have had more time to catch up on discord.

And we'd have had more time to play mafia, meaning a lot of the work we did today could have instead been done yesterday, when we actually promised it. (We still haven't done things we promised on Saturday we'd do. Can't elaborate, ongoing game rules, but since the info is public in said games I think I can safely say that much without violating site rules by keeping it vague and not explaining.)

Granted, still wouldn't have gotten everything we wanted to do, done.

We'd still be late for bed and still not have finished everything.

But we'd have finished more.

Because today we still didn't finish. We're nowhere close.

We took a shower, miraculous as that in of itself is. But that's genuinely it. Everything else we planned to do, we didn't do to the amount we had planned to do. Or even remotely close.

All off the back of a single double shift we really didn't want to work, but worked anyway because we felt we had no choice but to.

The sad part is, we knew this would happen; that's why we didn't want the shift in the first place. We KNEW it would mess us up in this exact way. It's just that, well. We got stuck with the shift anyway, and now the consequences: we are suffering, because everything is out of whack.

There's so many things piling onto the to-do list.

We're neglecting League and TFT, in spite of time-sensitive missions there.
We were planning to stream today (oh that makes a minimum of eight, not seven), we didn't do that--and to knock out the to-do list for today we'll have to give up streaming tomorrow, too.
We haven't worked on our art since Saturday (our day off).
We haven't written since our last stream.
We have barely scheduled youtube videos, staying afloat at uploading one per day and releasing one per day in spite of the idea being to schedule several in a day that release every day. (I need a buffer. I have none.)

And our health is not great.
Every workout is a struggle. We barely did the 59 knuckle pushups today (broken up into two sets because we're too weak and pathetic to do them all in one). We only did the 59 jackknives on a technicality, doing like six sets of 10 or so. (Actually, 5 sets, since two sets were 15.) Again, those are meant to be one continuous set. And they had half-hour gaps between them.

Realistically speaking, time constraints mean I can't do an entire workout in half an hour, so doing one set of 59 jackknives is unrealistic, but I introduced a concept of a "soft-reset" where I keep some progress but roll it partially back if I have a half-hour break. So, 20 becomes like 16, 16 becomes like 10, something generically in the area but which accommodates for how you're not supposed to get that much rest between sets.

Today each set of jackknives--10 to 15--was separated by a half-hour...and I couldn't use a soft-reset for any of them. We did pretty much on the dot 59, both officially AND unofficially. No soft resets involved. Which means the ab workout was sub-optimal.

We didn't do proper arm stretches.
We didn't do extra ab work to target the side-abs.
We didn't do extra arm workout to build the muscles up not activated by knuckle pushups.

​And we are so tired. So exhausted. And it's only going to get worse. We're late for bed three days in a row now. We work 31.5 hours officially (33 with lunch accounted for), over five days this week. We're dangerously tired as-is and our workouts are increasingly hard to do, likely thanks to lack of rest to properly build the strength back up.

It has all snowballed from what amounts to one thing we felt like we had no choice but to do. One extra shift, and our whole week is dangerous, miserable, tiring, and getting worse and worse and worse and worse.

Granted, it's not like everything is bad.

It's just that: genuinely?

We don't have time to appreciate the good. We don't have time to celebrate the good. We don't have time to enjoy the good.
​There is good happening, it's not literally all bad--but we just...well, we see it, but it's hard to, I guess, perceive it? Observe it? Feel it? We objectively recognize the good when we think about it and in the exact moment of the good...

...But we are so overwhelmed right now that genuinely any time outside of the good, we can't actually think of the good.

So while the week isn't all bad and has good within...

...The good kinda gets buried under the pile of exhaustion, fatigue, and business, from work and a continuously piling up list of things we are meant to do that we aren't doing.

OBWe've got very little to show for today.
No game progress in any game. Not Stardew Valley, not Dreamlight Valley, not any grinding in Epic Battle Fantasy 5 or Final Fantasy VII, not doing anything in Chrono Trigger, not building anything in minecraft, having no win in League of Legends, negative LP progress on TFT...nothing to show for today.

We've been going back and forth on whether to stream tonight or not, and it looks like the final answer is going to be "no", in part because we're not really sure what we would stream. We don't have a strong drive. We should work on our story. Or if nothing else, work on the art for our new profile picture. Or if even that's too much, minecraft. Maybe even just playing tft. Anything.

Well we're not gonna do that.

We did do a reorganization of our discord servers we're in to be more neat/organized, but we didn't do the title fairy thing we wanted to do, nor have we typed out the things we think would be healthy to type out in our journal. (Today we did learn a funny/interesting fact tho: apparently the real-life journals we used to write? The ones where we never wrote anything important until the second, third, or even fourth page? ...Apparently, that thing we thought was just an us thing, is not just an us thing, and a bunch of people did it.)

And for that matter, we haven't actually copied that journal into a google doc.

Nor have we worked on any other story idea.

We did write down some things for the art project, and hey, after this blog, maybe we'll manage to squeeze in some work on it (I wouldn't count on it--in fact I'd explicitly bet against it), but we didn't actually work on it today.

Speaking of today, work was interesting, and we felt fairly competent at working. There's just one problem: we didn't work out at all. We felt like we were shutting down. We felt forced into eating a full meal because we were developing really bad hand tremors, as well as losing vision from lightheadedness. It sucked to give up on that. We didn't run (not that we're really doing running anyway--2 minutes is only 1/5th of a mile), we didn't work out, we did nothing physically.

Nor did we do anything hygiene-wise. No shower, no brushing teeth, we're letting ourselves rot and decay at an alarmingly fast rate.

All in all, not a lot to show for today, but not nothing.

​That said, I suppose we DO have more time to talk about why we are so determined to live for at least a year longer.

Now, obviously: we intend to live forever.
There's never going to be enough time in our lives. So we would love to have an infinite amount of it.
The world might have certain parts of it actively trying to revert dozens (or even hundreds) of years' worth of progress, but OVERALL, it's still objectively true that the world becomes overall a better place to live over time. Comparing now to 50 years ago, I would always choose to live now rather than 50 years ago. And that is 90+% likely to be true 50 years from now. 50 years from now is over 90% likely to be a better time than right now is. So I want to be there for that better time. I never want to be gone when the world keeps making so many advancements and progress.

​OBVIOUSLY, that's not actually scientifically possible. We can't actually live forever. We intend to! But realistically speaking, science simply isn't advanced enough to allow for that to happen. The closest we could ever get is becoming a ghost after death. (Which, granted, is near-guaranteed to happen. Our family isn't going to bury us under our preferred name of Brianna "Bree" Danielle Lewis. And since the people we know online won't know we're gone, that's not one but TWO compelling reasons for not moving on. Can't move on if not at rest/peace and being buried under the wrong name guarantees that; can't move on with lingering attachments and not having been able to say goodbye to online communities and let them know would be another. BUT I DIGRESS.)

We still feel it's worth striving to live forever, but when we inevitably don't, we're hoping to have lasted at least 80 years if nothing else. To live a long, full life that experienced as much of the world's progress as was humanly possible, to have shared as much of our ideas as we could, to have brought as much of the next generations up as possible, guiding and mentoring them as a voice with lifetimes' worth of experience.

That's not too unreasonable to ask. Genetically it should be possible, since my family on at least one side tends to live to their 90s or higher.

However, as much as we want to live forever, or at the very least live for a very long healthy happy time of 80+ years:
Realistically speaking, with our lifestyle and genetics, there's a very high chance we die before then.

We have an hour-long drive one-way to work every single work day, and this commute is largely on highways, including a highway that is one of the most dangerous in the state. We also often don't get nearly enough sleep. Combine these two, and all it'd take is one drifting-off-too-long instance for disaster to strike. It almost happened to us once before (January 2014), it could happen again literally any time we get behind the wheel which is twice daily per work day adding up to over 10 times per week we risk death.

It doesn't matter if you dodge the bullet 999/1000 times. It only takes one bullet landing to be lethal.
Same concept for driving. Every day, there is that risk. It only takes one manifestation of that risk to end my life for good. There would be precious little I could do to prevent it. One momentary lapse, one momentary blacking out, one momentary zoned out, where I drift too far off into dreamland, where I get too sleepy to keep active track of my, well...tracks, and BAM! A likely lethal crash.

​I apologize for the morbidness of this, but this is, sadly, the grim truth. Every time I drive it has a chance to be the last time I do anything, because of where I am driving and how exhausted I get especially behind the wheel, alarmingly enough. (Yes we're trying to get the necessary amount of sleep, but even if we succeed, that doesn't guarantee a lack of exhaustion. The whole, "we can be tired with 4 hours or 14 or anywhere in-between" issue.)

​So, there's a fairly high chance we die behind the wheel, or in the aftermath of such an event at the very least. We don't want to. We would never deliberately do so. Obviously, we want to live. We don't want to die. We don't want to crash. We want to live forever, or at least 80 years, so a car crash is not the way we want to go out. But being realistic: we are not gods. We are not reality warpers. We don't have infinite luck. We are not invincible. It only takes one unlucky day for us to die, it only takes one bad day for us to get killed. Not because we wanted it, but because of sheer happenstance being against us in the most disastrous way possible.

​Is it an inevitability? Well, no. Most people spend their entire lives driving without dieing from it. Statistically speaking, it doesn't happen often. It happens to the smallest fraction of drivers. But I am at a higher risk of being one of said casualties thanks to the length of the commute, roads on the commute, and my mental cognitive functions while driving being inconsistent in dangerous ways.

So most won't die from a car crash--yet, it's still a genuine hazard for me.

Even if a car crash doesn't get me, what probably will is cancer. My family has a long, long history of cancer on both sides of the family pretty sure, and I have dozens of brown spots on my body. Yes, dozens. Most of them quite large, but with plenty of small ones too. I did a count once and I am fairly certain the number is above 40, putting me at basically the highest risk of getting skin cancer.

Cancers of various kinds run in the family, but I am young enough that I don't really get screened for cancer. While I get medical visits, those visits come only once every few months and are for things entirely unrelated to general health, so it's quite likely that if I got cancer, it wouldn't be diagnosed until it was too late.

I'm willing to bet between car crashes and cancer that one of the two is going to be what claims my life. Obviously, I will fight tooth and nail to prevent either from happening. We're not gonna let it happen. We're not gonna let ourselves die. We are going to fight to the bitter end, biting and swinging. We have zero plans to let this early demise manifest and every intention to manifest the world where we live forever (or at least for a very long time).

We strive for life, we push for life, we want to live and will fight to do so. But heroic willpower only goes so far to fight off instant killers or slow deaths. The truth is that no matter what our mind says, if we actually were to be stricken by one of those two, we wouldn't be able to survive indefinitely the way we promise we would. It sounds grim, it sounds glum, it sounds pessimistic and cynical, but it's a sad truth:
We are not immortal, no matter how much we see ourselves as being so. If we have something lethal happen to us, we will die from it.

So we have to try our utmost to avoid letting that happen.

In part because we've got such strong reasons to live.

Part of it is the aforementioned "the world is awesome" aspect--the world is awesome and while it certainly may not seem that way from the 2018-onwards era, objectively OVERALL it does, in fact, become a better place to live in. No matter how much the lowlifes of society try to regress it, progress HAS marched on, slowly, gradually, bit by bit becoming more dominant.

The human race as a whole is sick and tired of the white Christian cisgendered heterosexual patriarchy born from Imperialism + Colonialism dominating the world and whitewashing/erasing/etc. things that should never have been forgotten. I know it seems like the patriarchy is winning now with how much they have managed to roll back and revert--but they are fighting a battle I firmly believe they WILL lose.

I get the value in naysayers and doomsayers warning about just how bad the rollbacks to rights are--and they're not wrong. Without constant vigilance to bigotry, that hatred will take root and have a platform to take over. But I am not so hopeless/cynical/jaded as to think they have already won. No, they are a minority in society trying to pass themselves off as being the majority. The actual majority can, and will, win out in the end, as long as we are able to keep pushing forward bit by bit to make the progress the world has made.

I'm not going to pretend the risk isn't there. It is, it's very much real. If we're not careful, then bigotry WILL win and the world will become overall well and truly worse and worse. Nor am I really qualified to talk more in-depth about this. But I firmly believe that, overall, the world IS trying to change for the better. It's two steps forward, one step back, but we can do it.

And I want to be there not only to help, but see the results.

This is one reason to want to live. Just to experience the growth of the world, and to see the future unfold in the present to build a better world. I want to live to see that happen.

But there's more.

I want to live to get my ideas out into the world. The longer I live, the more time I have to do so.
I want to live to help as many people as I can in my life. The longer I live, the more people I help.
I want to live to have the best most enriched most fulfilling life possible for a transwoman, maybe even living to see (and test) medical breakthroughs in the field.

​But in the more immediate future.

I want to live because the world does not yet as a whole know that I am a girl.
Everyone online does.
I have come out to everyone in real life and am living daily as a girl.

But the world as a whole doesn't know--those who know me online don't know me offline, and those who know me offline are, largely, not truly accepting of me being a girl. They love me, they tolerate me, but they don't truly accept me, understand me, respect me, etc. Not as a girl, at least.

I'm like 90+% sure my extended family has no idea that I am a girl. My grandmother sends gendered gifts to our family each Christmas. In spite of being out for over half a year last Christmas, I received the 'male' gift rather than the female gift. Which tells me that me being a girl was not conveyed to my extended family.

​Fortunately, my younger sister's wedding is next year, and my extended family is invited.

Yes, I have other reasons for wanting to live until then.
My younger sister is family and I love her.
My younger sister is the only family member who has truly accepted me and respects me as a girl, helping me, aiding me, supporting me, every step of the way. Correctly naming me, etc. She has put in the time and effort to be everything family should be for a girl like me who had to come out.

The rest of my family, to varying degrees...ahhh, hasn't. I don't want to be too harsh on them because I love my family, but the best descriptor I have for most of my family (barring my younger sister) is, "I love them, but I don't really like them, and I expect this is probably mutual".

There is genuine love for my family, and I know they genuinely love me; the proof is in their actions in spite of their beliefs. But they are deeply flawed in their treatment of me, and I am a pretty lousy person who is high in upkeep even without being a girl. They have genuine reasons to not really want to think fondly of me, and that's aside from them not truly accepting that I am a girl.

So I don't want to be overly harsh on them. I love them, after all, and part of that love is not wanting to badmouth them. Still, it's a fact that they don't call me by my name consistently (my mother does it to me when my father isn't around and if she remembers to; my younger sister always does. But the rest, they do not); they don't call me by my name when I'm not around even if my father/brother aren't around (I've heard my mother and older sister use my deadname when they were alone), so like: they don't really see me as Bree.

Not really.

I don't want to hold it against them. I don't want to be overly harsh and criticize them too much. I'll say for the sake of clarity that I have talked to them about this, so it's not me airing out thoughts in my blog that I never did to them. I told them what the damage of refusing to use a name for me at all is (deliberately using a neutral term when you KNOW the preferred term is still misgendering--if you know someone is a she/her, deliberately using they/them is considered malicious misgendering, as an example), so it's not that they don't know. They do.

It's just that my younger sister is the only one who has done what someone should​ do for family coming out and actually listened to the requests, wishes, etc. of the family member coming out in full, rather than just in part. But this description sounds too harsh on them. I don't want to paint them in worse light than is true.

​They do make some efforts. It's just that I've told them what efforts they should be making beyond those, and it's still only 'some', except from my younger sister who makes all the efforts. I don't want to hold it against my family, because they clearly love me and they did put at least some work in. Yet, it's factually true that it's not the amount of work they should put in, and also factually true that I told them this.

They are not in the dark about what I want, what I would prefer, etc. I have let them known. I have made my thoughts clear. I have tried my best to educate them, to inform them, to give them the resources necessary for them to understand. But I can't make them listen to me, I can't make them listen to my requests. And I can't blame them for not doing so.

After all, I have plenty of demands unrelated to my gender. (Largely from neurodivergencies like my autism, but that's beside the point.) I understand them seeing all of the demands and feeling it's unreasonable to live up to everything I ask of them.

They love me so they do what they feel is appropriate for that love. I can't realistically expect more, so I don't want to be harsh on them.

But my younger sister, she has already done what she should, and did accept me from the onset.

​I want to pay that back by supporting her at her wedding, to be there for her as her family.

And there's more.

My extended family will be at the wedding. Not all of them. But not none of them. And some of them is all it takes. Some of them, seeing me there, as a girl, is all it takes. Me being a girl has not been conveyed to my extended family, pretty sure. (I mean since the wedding's not until next year, we have this Christmas to test my theory again, but I'm not optimistic at anything changing from last year.)

All it will take for them to see, and be forced to acknowledge, me as a girl...is for them to be there, and me to be there.

Since the wedding is next year, that means I need to live until next year at absolute minimum.

It's my desire to manifest this into reality.
I want to live forever so bad that I don't want to ever have the plug pulled from me. If I'm braindead and my heart has failed, I don't want them to cut life support on me. I don't care if there's no brain function; I don't care if my heart has stopped; I don't care if the doctors say there's a 0% chance that I will survive, that the doctors say I have died.

SOMEHOW, I would find a way to live, if given the medical assistance to do so. This is, sadly, likely never going to be relevant because whenever I do inevitably lose consciousness for the last time, the doctors won't have access to my will that I am stating now, they won't know that I have zero intention of letting them let me die. That I intend to find a way, no matter how clinically/medically impossible, to pull through the impossible situation and actually live.

The doctors will give up on me far before I do, and if my family is there, they'll likely let the doctors pull the plug on me--against my will, mind you. My will to live is so strong that even with no brain function, even with no heart beating, if I was kept medically going in spite of having no signs of life, I would find a way to eventually fight back to life. Flatlined heart/brain won't stop me.

The doctors will certainly believe that it will--that I would be dead dead, a corpse, a goner, that I was gone, the moment that there is both a lack of heart/brain function. But I know that if given sufficient time, I would be able to recover. All it'd take is them not pulling the plug on me.

My will to live is that strong.

Because I want to live forever.

And even if I don't live forever--
I need to live for that event, if nothing else.

The wedding needs to be something I attend.

After that, I'll still have plenty of reasons to live, mind you.
But that is the most pressing.
I need people to know that I am a girl.
I need to live.

​I just have to.

Yeah I think we do.

We, again, didn't really do anything today, with it, again, being a bit of a waste.

We should note that we have a time-sensitive issue--again--that we (again) probably will be late on, but we're genuinely too tired to do it today in spite of promising less than 48 hours. We're also going to be limited tomorrow by having a staff meeting for work. So basically, near-guaranteed that we'll be late.

We are a procrastinator, we didn't build a character. We kept the idea in mind for months, but did none of the work of properly understanding the system/rules/etc. involved so our work is going to be messy, sloppy, etc.

Anyway, anything else we gotta do?
Oh right the medical appointment thingy, we've needed to do that since last week.

Beyond that, prolly should be doing brushing teeth. We're failing hygiene again, also took no shower. (To be fair, tomorrow at staff meeting we'll get wet.)

Okay, anything else?
No Disney Dreamlight Valley again.
No working on our novel, again.
No grinding on League, again.
We don't have steam open so nothing there.
We might've done tft a bit but I doubt even that.

However, I distinctly recall we managed to do half the work we intended to do on Minecraft.

Hey, it's better than nothing!

Anyway right now we're plural af.

Our plurality is on full display with who knows how many voices chiming in. (A lot.)

We're also dead tired, have been for hours tbh. And that leads to typos, and a lack of cohesion in thoughts in general. Also, there's a mental war with basically every sentence on how to write it, what to say, etc. Like whether to go 'to be honest' or 'tbh', that was actually more 'to be honest' but whoever typed it made the tbh.

(We did have a voice just say "it was me", but we haven't gained the ability to differentiate our voices yet. We know different voices are different voices, we don't know which voices have what identities. They're all unnamed yet. Well, technically we did have one whose name is Ashe, but we don't know who it was now.)

​Okay so we probably had more to say about our plurality when writing this. We wanted this blog to be plurality-focused when adhd kicked in and told us to write an impromptu to-do list. Still, tho. Ah, right, we wanted it to be a bit of a conversation. Each line written by a different person, just let the thoughts flow stream of consciousness style.

Do we still do that?
We did it before.
Yeah, we can do it again.
Should we tho?
I dunno.
It's getting late.
I'm tired.
We're tired.
We need sleep.
Can't go to bed too late.
We got the meeting tomorrow.
Mmm.
Indeed.

Alright.

So now what?
Do we just...keep going?
Nahhh...I think we wrap up.

But I don't wanna!
Yeah, I know...we have a lot of plurality thoughts to sort out.

We're too tired.
In many ways that's the best time.
Yes, but not now. Not today.

Okay, now our blog is a mess.
What do we do to fix it?
Do we just...randomly end?

We did it last time. I think.

Yeah, this isn't really working out.
Not the way we intended, at least.
Well, that's life for you.
Mm.
Indeed.
We're repeating thoughts right now.
The loop helps.
Yeah, is a tool of sorts.
I get that, but it's still a sign to wrap up, we had an in for wrapping up until it was removed by more chatter.
Good chatter!
Yes, but ruining an easy end all the same.
Careful with language. Don't wanna blame or accuse.
Yes, I'm trying.
How many do you think we have that have all these nuances to them?

I dunno...but we'll find out, eventually.
​At least, that's the hope.

We could've done stuff, we just...didn't.
No doing the socials on twitter.
No Disney Dreamlight Valley.
No streaming.

Basically did nothing at all.

We did manage to get some work done in minecraft.
And we spent four hours trying to get a win in League.
And we played some Normals in TFT (didn't want to play ranked due to wanting to attend to things important outside of games).

But that was it, so like.

​Another day, another waste.

Always with too little to show for the day.

Today I didn't do everything I intended for Disney Dreamlight Valley, did absolutely no League, and did absolutely no TFT.
I didn't write, nor did I do minecraft in spite of receiving four hours' worth of inspiration from watching someone incredibly talented and entertaining who had genius ideas.

I have a need to do League and Disney Dreamlight Valley off-stream, but a need to do Teamfight Tactics, Minecraft, and Writing onstream.

With my new shift, I need to do day streams on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays, as well as night streams on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, as well as continuing my Sunday streams.

Right now, having Worlds going on interferes with that--either I watch worlds or I stream; I can't do both because that would get me banned. So I have to pick and choose, and Worlds gives loot drops; streaming...doesn't. (Not unless it's TFT I guess.)

Butstill. I need to get into that.

I have more ideas for emotes, and I know I can make them. I know they would be good.
I have ideas for channel points rewards and icons and such.
I have ideas for stream stuff.

I just need to push through and get it.

Yet, I also have done a lot of wasting time.

And I also need to take care of my hygiene. I'm still not brushing my teeth in spite of having seen the consequences of that. (I'm due for five fillings--which puts me out nearly $750. An expense I very much did not want to pay.) I reek, from having not showered in weeks, maybe even a month, maybe longer. (I've attempted showers, but they were botched. None were properly done.)

There's so much I need to do.

And yet so little time for it.

I need to keep up my workouts, too.

All in all.

I'm busy.

And that doesn't even cover going over my blogs and porting them over to the wix mirror/backup blog.
I'm doing a good job of posting each entry twice, once on weebly and once on wix, but the old entries I've only done the one day worth of work, nothing more.

So I've got all these things in need of being done.

And not actually having done them.

Heck, I need to work on getting past streams up on Youtube.

And making a pinned Socials tab is something I wanted to do on twitter ever since Monday (well, much before that, but on Monday I told myself I'd actually do it--haha yeah right adhd brain, like you could really pull that off).

​All of the things I need to do, just aren't getting done.

As a reminder, weebly is my primary blog, for any who would view this blog entry on wix.
And I am creating a mirror/backup blog on wix, for those who view my blog on weebly.

Today, weebly had me logged in. I attempted to log in with a square account and that wasn't working, so I went back to the log-in-with-google option which seems to consistently be the only one which works--which is a concern, because if it stops working...well, bye bye weebly blog.

With my repeated links to the wix blog, it'd be fairly easy for blog viewers here paying attention to what would inevitably be my last entries on weebly to figure out what happened: that I had lost access to weebly and swapped over to wix. But still, I'd prefer not to lose my weebly blog if I can avoid it, especially since I've not ported over the eight years worth of blog entries yet.

I need to tho, just in case the weebly blog does become inaccessible to me at any point for any reason. After all, losing access to making entries isn't the only concern; losing the content of the entries is also a biggie.

So yeah, I definitely need to do that.

The problem is, there's so much extra I need to do, too.

I should be checking Disney Dreamlight Valley daily to see what outfits are there that I want to buy. Furniture, meh, don't care about it. But clothing, quite a bit, I do. Not everything, but enough.

And there are both quests for League of Legends, and for Teamfight Tactics. I need to keep going on those areas as well.

In addition to that, I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow, and a training on Saturday.

All in all, an incredibly busy week, so finding the time to continue porting over is...quite difficult. Especially since I do have mafia duties to attend to as well as other games that I want to keep playing. It's just...it's a lot. And I don't have time for it all.

​Still gotta try my best tho.

It seems to always end up being that way.

I've got a dentist's appointment tomorrow (there's gonna be cavities--lots of them).

Then a doctor's appointment on Friday.

Then, a virtual staff meeting of sorts on Saturday.

That, after having worked four morning shifts in a row.

Suffice to say: busy life.

And most of my free time has been eaten up by a release of a bunch of, quite valuable, tft quests--they're giving away something that is normally a paid currency, but going through them is a grinddddd.

I did manage to promote to Gold II tho! (As a reminder, I'm a platinum player, it's mostly just a combination of being heavily contested in spite of choosing different comps each game and just so happening to have five players run the same comp I am in spite of the game before having zero players run it; my contest rating is usually over 100% because I have a negative luck stat that way. I digress tho. It's not just being heavily contested; it's also bad luck in getting the right champions/items/augments to compliment the comp I've started, mostly in the mid to lategame. And then, the final and biggest restriction: time. I don't have the time to climb. But, I know I am a plat level player, I just have to grind to get there.)

Granted, took three losses after that, but managed to end on a win which gives a buffer from demoting!

The quest is quite the grind tho. You gotta complete each part to unlock the next set, and there's a lot. I think we knocked out like two, three, maybe even four sets of quests tonight? Lemme see if I can find them.

...Nope nothing from a quick google search, might be able to find them if I pulled the client up to look at the mission names but I'm tired and want to sleep so I'm going to just go without. Anyway. We did a lot. But it left us both drained, exhausted, and out of time. We should go to sleep now to be honest.

So we'll probably finish this blog and be going to bed.