Well, today I also watched a streamer until about 11 pm so like. I knew I'd have little time left.

It's just that I was meant to do mafia stuff tonight.

I did TFT instead.

Whoops!

At least I climbed by 3 LP I guess?

So I got home at like...9 or so, right? And it's almost 3 am, right?

So like. I should have had six hours of free time, right?

Right?

Okay, so like.

I watched my second-favorite streamer start to finish once I got home.

That took until around midnight so I admit that I lost three of those hours there; time well spent that I would gladly lose again.

But like.

How'd I lose the other two hours?!?

Apparently I spent around an hour on mafia looking at the timestamps there.

But.

Where's the other hour?!?

I know I spent time eating and expelling prior meals. I know I spent some time with kitten time. But not enough to account for a full hour; the times above (three hours at the streamer, an hour for the mafia) are including those activities since if I excluded the food, bathroom breaks, etc., it'd be less than three hours and less than an hour.

So like.

Why am I missing an hour.

What happened.

Where did it go.

I mean, it's not quite 3 am, it's 2:45.

But I've still lost more time than I thought and have no answer for how.

I was planning on doing so much. I knew I'd only have time to do one thing.

...But I wasn't expecting it to be none.

I'm getting more and more tired at nights, desiring bed a full 1-2 hours earlier. (Normally I'd go to bed at 4 am, now it's more like 3 am.) So I'm losing an hour of sleep in exchange for getting more rest and an earlier start to the day which is more energetic. (Having the drowsy medications at night helps with that.)

But like.

I just don't have the time tonight.

What happened?

I can't account for all that time.

I know I did things.

It's just like.

How did it math out to be so much time spent that I didn't do any of the things I was planning on?

No minecraft work on the castle; no civ 3; no chrono trigger grinding; no FF VII grinding; no EBF5 grinding.

Literally did nothing but just vibe the entire night pretty much.

I didn't even get to work on the mafia game I wanted to mod.

Now, granted.

Just vibing is not a waste of time.
Just vibing is perfectly okay.
Just vibing is perfectly fine a use of time.
Just vibing isn't an issue, isn't a problem.

So having just vibed, not a crime.

But like.

How did I use six hours up, while not actually using six hours?

I legit feel like I am missing at least an hour if not two of free time. I don't feel like the hours I spent vibing in a stream were lost, since I was there as a part of them. I don't feel like the hour I spent on mafia was lost, since I did it. But that's only four out of six.

Why did two of my hours I had just not exist?

I'm genuinely baffled.

But ah well.

​Gotta sleep, so guess I'll never know.

On the hygiene front, I'm doing about as badly as I can. My teeth are rotting because I'm not taking care of them, and I'm not taking a shower in spite of my last shower being on Wednesday, and I've only used shampoo/conditioner once in like two or three weeks (that being, on Wednesday).

In terms of things that I should be doing, I also haven't streamed at all, and haven't touched art since my drawing of Elemental Ruby, so there's a loss of momentum there.

I also haven't been doing the grinding that I need to do in Chrono Trigger (did a little yesterday but not enough), Final Fantasy VII, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5.

More than that, my notes keep piling up since I've not actually done the things I need to do in order to store the notes in their binders. (Well, one I got, the others, not so much.)

That having been said, I did complete the League and TFT quests, I did get my ranked game in for the week (I set a goal to do at least one ranked game per week), I did do mafia stuff that I have needed to work on including working on the modded game I want to run (tho speaking of a different kind of modding, still haven't done Civ 3, welp), and while my hygienic health has been utter garbage, my health in other areas I'm making strides in.

While I've been having an issue of sweating less and skin being warmer than it should be (presumably as a consequence of the less sweat) in spite of being hydrated and not being sunburnt, I have a doctor's appointment for it.

I also set a doctor appointment for psychiatry (at least I hope it is?), which might allow me to get a refill on my meds there.

I'm communicating more and networking more online so while I'm not nearly doing enough, I am doing more and more.

It's a slow and steady push, but it is in fact a push.

I mean, progressing League quest which I have 2 weeks left to do, but...that's about it.

Well I definitely feel more-rested today and felt less tired with the change. Which is good!
Also good; I have obtained a perfect magnetic phone case for my new phone.

Today also saw me do a little bit of desk cleaning, not to mention, writing down the second of the two game ideas I have notes for. This means my notes are a lot more organized and my folders much better, but there's downsides; the folders are more bloated and the notes are a little more bulky now than they were before.

The "I think" here mostly comes from me genuinely having so much trouble remembering if I took my night medications.

I know I took my vitamins.

I'm like 95% sure I took my second estrogen pill.

I'm like 90% sure I took my T-blocker pill (spironolactone).

I'm like 90% sure I took my lamotrigine (bipolar disorder).

...But like.

None of those are the same 100% they should be--and all of them need to be.

I need to figure out a waste-free (paperless) way to reliably note what I've taken at this point. It needs to be digital, but not be something I'll easily forget about, but not be something I need to go out of my way to manage with it being a pain to actually do regularly, but also not hinder me in my daily activities, but also be around.

Haven't figured that out yet.

And, there's more that I didn't do.

I didn't get to note some things I want to do for stream in my to-do list for instance. (CT, FFVII, Majesty, Zeus/Poseidon all come to mind.)

​So I'm not sure if this was a good day or not, but it was at least definitely not a failure.

Today had an increased dosage in my estrogen but was otherwise a waste since I did none of the things I ought to have done, whooooops.

On the bright side, am now a higher LP in tft than I was before, and I progressed to quest 6/10 with three weeks left. (I need to make sure I finish the quest since I am a completionist.) I also managed to get all the weekly tft missions done, too, which will help me in my attempt to claim Zac III the way I got Mundo III.

Butstill, I did basically nothing.

Ah well.

It happens.

The good:
-I streamed.
-I made significant progress on new stream background.
-I uploaded a youtube video.
-I also uploaded said video to tiktok too.
-I got the damned Elder Drake. (Still need the force of nature tho.)
-I might've finished hyper-roll placements, too?

The bad:
-I still haven't done the commands I said to do.
-I want to tweak the logo used.
-I need to do more extensive TOS research on YT.
-I haven't done the networking I should.
-I completely and entirely have been absent from the mafia site for effectively half a week now.
-I've not gone through my, very fragile, very numerous, very prone to being lost/scattered/damaged/etc. notes to get their info securely stored.

Well, it's a mixed bag, but I say that while the number of good is matched by the bad, the good is stronger than the bad overall.

​Gotta keep pushing tho.

IIIIII diddddd...literally nothing I said I would do yesterday. Instead I did a depression-spurned modded playthrough of one of my favorite Majesty scenarios (The Siege).

And then an equally depression-spurned TVTropes binge which led me with, genuinely, nearly 20 tabs I didn't have before, at the cost of finishing only one or two of the ones that I had before.

So, well, objectively speaking: bit of a failure there.

It wasn't exactly time poorly spent in my opinion though, because the time I spent still helped me a lot. It was reading the TVTropes page for The Defroster->every character page for My Next Life as a Villainness, which in many ways drew me in thanks to how it just...relates to me.

I would of course: love to be successful. All the ideas in my head, the world will be a lesser place for them not having been made. And for that I can only continue to apologize to everyone. I have so so many beautiful gorgeous ideas. And I genuinely cry knowing that they will never be seen by others. If I am lucky, yes, some will--but it is physically impossible for all of them to become real. There's not enough time in the world for that; when you make 2-3 new ideas a day and some ideas you forget critical details of, how could all of them come to the world? They can't so even IF I get the best case scenario of making my ideas real, it'll still only be some of them.

And for that, I need to apologize, not only to the people of this world for them not being able to see, to connect, with the ideas in my head, but also to the ideas in my head. Every character that I cannot bring to life, I cry for not having been able to do so because they are real. Their stories, their personalities, their interactions, they have genuine lives that I am the one and only person capable of telling. I am the one and only person who is capable of sharing their experiences to others and recording them and making them be seen, be experienced, for all of time.

So every time I don't do that, I have failed them. And it gives me great pain.

​But on the note of that great pain and the doom brought to others, back to why I needed the reading of the character pages for that series. It served as a good reminder of what I strive to be.

I will always hate myself for every perceived flaw, every perceived weakness, every perceived instance of having wronged others, every instance of having failed them. Every time I have someone that could be a friend, end up drifting away from me: I consider it a failure. I almost wrote a song about it yesterday in fact. (It'd have been called "The Lone Killer", basically Killer->Impostor->Impostor Syndrome and feeling alone. I was stopped by being short on time and by having positive reaffirmation that I desperately needed to hear.)

After all, as that not-written song would have said: it is easy to remember the wrongs, but hard to remember the rights. It is easy to see the good being gone, but hard to see the good that still is. Friendships require effort from both sides, and given that I put no effort into friendships, I am, arguably, more to blame for them not forming than anyone else.

Because how can someone really be my friend if the entirety of their friendship is just them showing up to help me? If I am just giving them nothing at all, obviously, the natural consequence of that is that over time, they just...gradually, do less and less. Because if I'm not maintaining the friendship, and I never do, then how could they when friendships are innately inherently draining?

But while I may not have any long-lasting success. Or any long-lasting friendships.

I still have a clear idea of what I really want.

I cannot stop hating myself for every instance of knowing I have caused harm, or even every instance of knowing "I could have done so much more to help than what I did". Every instance of apathy, every instance of thoughtlessness. Every time where I could have done something more supportive, but did not.

But I do have a goal in mind that I wish to continue to pursue.

I wish to live a long, happy, fulfilling life. I wish to spread kindness and empathy to the world. I despise myself, hate myself, for absolute failures on my part in these fields. Some quite recent, in fact. I had someone contact me about how I had hurt them and it made me realize how dangerously close I can be to falling into the worst part of my past self when I was, genuinely, a jerkass.

There was a time when I was a very nasty person.

So I am always, always, on guard for it, fearing the return of that part of me.

But while I have continued to fail.

I still wish to try.

Because it is, I believe, what I want the most in life now.

To live a long, happy, life where I give positivity and happiness to others.

I obviously don't want to place the happiness of others above myself--I know that's not healthy.

But I want to do everything in my power that is not detrimental to my own happiness to continue to spread that positivity to others, to be the beacon of light that the protagonist of that story is. I know I won't be able to succeed, because I just don't have the skills to maintain longterm relationships. But I still wish to do whatever I can.

​Anyway, I'm literally an hour late for bed because I'm a bit of a dumbass sometimes (another common trait) so will only be getting 5 hours of sleep, but for this blog? Worth it.

Not badly, anyway.

I did fail to get something very important done on the mafia site for the future of that mafia site since it is a very important thing that I feel is incredibly important to the health and longevity of the site and users on it.

I did fail to get the elder drake in tft in spite of having spent 8+ hours in my attempt.

But I did get a stream done for the first time in nearly a month, beating technical difficulties along the way!

My computer did bluescreen on me (quite literally blue screen), so uh...that's not good, but I'll be sure to run system scans and such when I remember to do so (so, hopefully, if I am on top of things, tomorrow).

I also used the opportunity to finally record a test video for youtube, so I'm going to try and upload that to see if my youtube will work as-is or if it needs further tweaks.

I'll also need to add some form of technical difficulties/downtime command to my stream, too. Maybe both.

Buthey, I managed to get most of my commands working, I think!

​Got a lot to do still, but it's a decent day done.

The new TFT set just dropped so I want to play a ton of TFT. (I am already disappointed that I played as little as I did.)
I still want to play more Final Fantasy VII.
I still want to work on my civ 3 mod.
I came up with an idea for my streaming starting screen which I need to draw.

​So much to do, so little time. (Depression not helping either.)