I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

I've been putting four hours per day into Stardew Valley.

On the one hand...yeah I'm enjoying it that thoroughly.

On the other hand...imagine what that time could have been spent doing.

I could have recorded affirmation videos.

I could have done more work on my discord. Done discord art for it.

I could have worked more on mapping out my plurality.

I could have done more work on my spirituality.

I could have started the art for my two emotes I want to make.

I could have done work on my novel.

I could have edited my poem I wrote back on Thursday.

I could have done...so many things.

And I spent the time on a game.

Which...I mean...the Stardew Valley brainrot is very real. But like...

...I am in a situation where we have so much we should be doing.

We should be trying to assemble my PC.

We should be trying to get more income.

I should be checking to see if I am getting an income raise, and asking if I can work more hours otherwise.

I dunno, I just feel like...I'm wasting time I couldn't afford to waste.

I know, can't stress out too much.
I know, I need to enjoy myself.
But like...this level of enjoyment...it feels excessive.

So I just...need to get control of myself.

I don't want to miss out on the good things in life by playing a game that's never going away.

I kinda feel like I'm probably taking on too many things since it feels like I'm always scrambling to get everything done in a day.

To be fair, I'm actually getting most of it done.

I'm playing mafia again.

I'm mostly on top of my games, like Torn and my addiction to Idling to rule the gods.

I'm upping my social media presence.

I'm attending and juggling multiple streams better. 

I'm keeping on top of work stuff.

​I have mostly been on top of daily discords, making sure I'm not falling behind.

Granted, there's stuff that I have fallen behind on. I neglected to write a poem to a family member I promised. I haven't dealt with important bills I very badly need to. I am falling further and further behind on my mirror blog.

And there's stuff I haven't done. I haven't worked on my discord today yet.
I haven't set up the twitch commands I wanted to or gotten the commands set up yet.
I haven't done writing yet.

I do need to stay busy. But I'm not on top of everything, despite my progress.

There's a finite amount of time in a day and I don't want to neglect anything.

I'm getting better about hygiene, but need to be better about meds--I'm taking them daily, but not at the time recommended and much later than I should.

​So like. Life stuff. I'm progressing. Got a lot on my mind, but gonna keep going.

I don't really know what to blog about, to be honest.
I've got things that I want to talk about. But, I don't know where to really begin, what to cover exactly, to be honest.
​I guess I should mention that things are going...okay, I suppose?

I've got lots of medical stuff coming up.
I've got a dentist appointment coming up.
I'm going back to counseling for mental health.
​I am working on better healthcare, for my hair and my teeth in particular.

I went to a doctor appointment to try and solve my issues regarding constant dizziness, lightheadedness, head spinning, vision blurring, loss of balance, etc. They didn't, and I have a cardiologist appointment.

I've got a dentist appointment coming up.

So like. I've got lots of things I'm trying to do for my body.

And in plurality things we continue to discover new facets. We're up to eleven.

Morgan the Aussie.
Bella the southerner.
Amanda, a deeper-voiced woman.
Joy, a source of energy and optimism.
Hope, a reassuring voice.
Ashe, a collective of littles.
Kat, part of the Ashe system, a cat.
​Ash, a guardian of Ashe, a nonbinary phoenix.
Miranda, who plays mafia.
Hera, who survives.
Hermione, who does puns.
And Danielle, the absorbed David.

​That, aside from confirmed soulbounds of Vee, Ruby, and Phyrra.

I'm wasting some time on TFT/League, but less so. Still got quests to complete, which means I gotta keep at it. But mostly doing other things.

I've tentatively reintroduced myself to ComicFury, integrating it into my daily routine.

I've been staying atop of discord and torn and a lull in mafia means I've been fine there, too.

​No shower today unless an opening comes up later tonight where there's a lull of nothingness, but been doing better overall.

Kongregate is back with new kongpanions, I missed out on the gold this week unfortunately but I'll be back next week to start playing the games again.

​I guess being active in blogging is good.

And, I'm working on writing things for farn, again. I'm only to January 22nd, but that's better than the 19th which is where I was before. The notes I'm gathering have a high level of redundancies, and are messy, and not very clean, buuuuuut...still, progress is progress.

I'm taking a break from there for less exhaustion, but...I am probably going back in. Because I feel like I can get caught up in transferring discord notes to my documents, and then from there start transferring my existing notes to their appropriate places, expanding things out as they should be.

That's the plan at least.

​​I have no clue what I'm doing to be honest.

This blog has been written over five hours, but...it's a start I suppose.

I am still on January 19th for transcribing notes from discord into my files, and the transcribed notes are messy and not organized properly, as I would like them to be. However, this is much much much better than it was before.

I've begun to add things in, and finalize a few, and am networking things far better. (Speaking of networking, it's been a while since I've reminded you that this blog is published on two sites, the weebly main site and the wix mirror. The wix mirror doesn't have my older blogs yet, but will eventually, when I put the time in to add them.)

​I did decide to cheat and do a little bit of gaming--but I kept it to Normals in TFT (kinda regret it not being ranked since I got top 4 in both but I was not ready for the tilt of getting sub-4 on a night I want to get rest), and it was to clear out almost all of the quests I have. (The one remaining one is the 3* 3+ units, which is just a hyper-roll and/or Supers and/or trade sector type game, so can be done easily enough.)
All I needed was Neeko with a deathcap and 2* (almost didn't get it, as I 2*'d her the round I died), and then the Threat ones (Morgana, Aatrox, Fiddle 2* fielded; Syndra summoning a 2* threat), and in two games back to back (I think I got 3rd and 2nd?), I pulled it off.

Butyeah, today was mostly spent on trying to transcribe notes into their proper locations. I'm going through the notes, slowly, surely. When I get done with the discord notes, there will be a lot more work to do. Formatting the notes, cleaning them up, placing them appropriately, and then fleshing out the notes as they should be.

My notes have the format of an unofficial wiki (because I find that format easy to read/understand/process/file), and part of that is needing to make entries for everything. And put the 'tropes' for everything. To be honest, I think that doing everything I am setting out to do might take months upon months of work. There will always be more to add.

Still though. It needs to be done to at least some extent. Some details, I can get away with not fleshing out. (Don't really need to think up blood types, for instance.) Other details, though, I need to include. Anything I want to write? Need to include. Any detail I want to include? Needs to be written. There are things that I don't think I can realistically do. There are things I don't think I can flesh out. There are things that will remain vague, ambiguous, generic, etc.

I'm going to be cutting as many corners as I can, so my notes don't need to show the details. Maybe note I'm cutting corners, but not really detail things. Still, because Farn is going to be three books and the first book is going to be very, very long (it would probably be enough material for three or more books on its own), that means even the bare minimum after having cut corners is going to be very very long.

I still gotta try tho.
Farn is worth recording.
In the event I fail to write it, at the very least I want to leave enough that someone else could piece together the events and build something resembling what I wanted.
To some extent, that's why I've also become more open to sharing farn with others prematurely. Those in trusted spaces have been given the theoretical access to the worlds. I'm reasonably certain none of them have taken me up on the offer and actually viewed the work--and that's okay. The offer was the important part. It's there for them if they want it to be there.

And with it out there, that means my work is less likely to die.
The more and more work I do on it--the more and more likely it is that the final product matches my vision.

So I gotta keep pushing forward, and hopefully, I can make farn a reality.

I've been, frustratingly, busy as of late.

I was on the last week of league/tft quests so needed to grind them, which ate up a lot of time.

I've been busy with work.

I literally had my car turn over sideways due to going into a ditch on Tuesday. (Surprisingly--as far as we can tell--the car is fine; I am fine. I'm not traumatized, but I am just frustrated and confused.)

I've been busy with stuff.

I don't even remember what.

Just.

I've not had free time. I don't even know why. I've had objectively more time but objectively have been getting less done. I did things. I was doing things. I just don't remember what they were. I was really busy.

Now, granted. Life stuff has happened. We're up to knowing the name of four voices that aren't soulbounds like Vee and Ruby. (Morgan, our Aussie; Bella, our southerner; Ashe, our high-pithced 'hiiiiiii' voice; and now, Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice.)

We've been doing at least some work on our novel.

We've done a little bit of work on our castle in minecraft.

We've done stuff, but we've been left quite busy.

This week started promising in terms of health between both showering and brushing teeth and now I've done neither.

I've not streamed this week and between picking up a shift on Sunday and the staff meeting tomorrow, I probably won't, which is frustrating.

So like.

​Just not a great week.

I'll say quickly; I'm taking a bit of a risk but I've opened up my current story to viewing to those with the link, on a private discord server of friends. I'm hoping it's secure and trustworthy enough that they don't abuse that power (and also hoping that it is indeed read-only for them), but I think it's worth it; sharing it with others is a goal anyway.

I've got caught up with uploading my past streams, but unfortunately, I can't stream more until Friday Night/Saturday Morning at the earliest. (Well technically, I might be able to try tomorrow? Well if I don't do things like what I've done this week and waste hours of time.)

Uh, I guess I got out of placements and into Bronze IV in double-up for tft. (I think I need more hyper-roll games now to make sure placements are finished and I'm in green.)

Anything else?

Well probably but the more we write the later we are to bed.

Doesn't mean I'm happy we basically did nothing.

We did get our laptop maybe functional again (we need to actually test things out), we got med refills and bought headphones while there, and we got closer to caught up in or vod uploads (two away from caught up I believe).

​And I guess we got a few of the placement games (not all of them I don't think) done in the team mode of teamfight tactics, so that's good I guess. (We want to get to platinum in tft, to get blue in hyper-roll, and to have enough games to be fully placed in double-up.)

But like.

Not really a productive day. I did do a bit of a story note, but no writing, no editing.

Today was largely a wasted day. I don't even remember what we wasted our time on (I think it might've been reading TVTropes?), but we weren't really productive.

We did download the audio for potentially adding alerts to our stream (altho we need to get that whole thing set up and currently don't have it), and we actually did work on the writing of our novel (rather than writing down notes and worldbuilding/character building), but even that was just editing.

We also got our laptop functioning again, which opens us up to potentially doing streams on it. Speaking of streams, we're nearly caught up on our youtube video uploads of them. I believe we're at 80/85? So like--at a couple uploads per day or so and accounting for extra streams, and we should in theory be caught up within a week.

We ended the night by indulging in Civ 3, playing a single turn all the way out.

We had planned to stream, but a few things got in the way. First was not wanting to not be part of the vibes for one particular stream (and even now, we're enjoying the vibes of a different stream that they raided in to). We could have done a stream, but we made the choice that the vibes of that stream were worth more.

After our parents came home at 4, we could've started stream, but right now, we're thinking it's best not to. We have a medication to pick up, and while we go to the pharmacy, we're hoping to pick up a few extras. (Lotions, tea, headphones, maybe a mic?

So like.

We could've done a lot more than we did.

It's not a nothingness day because if someone were to look at what we listed above, they'd say it was great, it was incredible, I did a ton, etc. But it's still disappointing, yaknow? We did basically nothing and wasted a golden opportunity to be productive. Tomorrow will be a short day (due to work on Monday), made shorter by a need to visit the pharmacist to get my medication.

Today was a day we could've done nearly 20 hours' of work, and instead, we did like...two, maybe? About half an hour for the laptop, about half an hour for the audio, about an hour for the novel, and then paltry amounts of time per video. (They take basically no time to put the info in, the rest is the upload/processing which is why we get a rate of like 1 video per 3 hours or so.)

So like--having two hours out of twenty means we were only at 1/10th of the productivity we should've been at.

Disappointing. Not shattering. But still a let-down.

Ah well.

​Is what it is.