...But I'm pretty darn surprisingly close.
I'm taking the day off of mafia stuff (as I normally do on Saturdays), and health stuff continues to not be the best of things, but I am mostly on top of my life right now, because I just felt inspired today. It sounds weird to say, but it honestly feels like a mixture of simultaneous mania and depression coexisting for different areas.

Maybe a touch of autism/adhd in there as well.

Basically.

I started the day working on the civ 3 mod--the most worthless of the worthless thing to do. I made very very good progress there, but I got burned out from working on it so much so I didn't want to work on it more today.

But the usual timekillers aside from it I felt apathetic about. I don't feel like playing League tonight, or TFT tonight, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5, or offline Chrono Trigger, or Stardew Valley, or offline minecraft work. That leaves precious little on the list of timekillers.

So what came to mind that was left?

Two things. Neither a waste. Both which I should be trying to do more of anyway. Not mutually exclusive, either, as one is better later at night when my family is asleep and the other can be done before then.

I basically...came up with streaming (probably building minecraft), or...working on Phyrra and Cyrus. I was thinking of things to do, and the folder with my Phyrra and Cyrus stuff just...caught my eye. I kept staring at it, going back to it, and the inspiration just...struck me. Because it called out to me.

I don't even know what I am going to do there, yet. I think it'll be script-work though because it all starts somewhere and there is a very good place to begin.

​Wish me luck.

I've actually been fairly on top of my emails, and I've been doing well in my job interviews, so it just means that I'm doing a lot of what I need to do.

Now admittedly.

Still falling short in lots of places.

But I'm mostly on top of things.

I'm even finding the time to do a little bit of extra.

Granted, the extra I focused on was the most worthless of the extras I could focus on. There's no way to make the Civ 3 mod be useful, but I've done a lot of work there. I've still got a lot of work to do. Resource tweak, terrain tweak to accommodate said resource tweak, creating all the units with initial parameters, creating all the buildings with initial parameters, creating/modifying the wonders with initial parameters, adding in the new governments and tweaking the existing ones, doing the entire tech tree, and after having done all of that:
Retweak civilization starting techs, retweak resource requirements, set the unit final parameters, set the building final parameters, set the wonder final parameters, and set the final government parameters.

After all of that? Then I can start building the map.

Is a lot of work to do, especially the map, which will basically be made on the fly, from scratch, by feel, with me "feeling" what is appropriate by having the land masses of each scenario before me and me making approximations of it. (I've tried to build a map before but I was a bit too rigorous and scientific with my approach. An approach that relies more on feeling is better in my opinion. Also, that was for a base-8-civ version of the modified-Rise-of-Rome so each civ had a lot more than they should have, being a bit too cumbersome. By dividing the civs up more appropriately I get things to be more manageable.)

Another bonus thing to do is to check each civ's city/leader names to make sure that I didn't include them multiple times (probably gonna use a word counter that can check for word frequency for that), but that's a lower priority thing.

​Anyway feeling pretty good right now.

I'm fairly certain I've left an unfavorable impression on every single job position I'm interviewing for as a lifeguard. Still, though, in spite of this, I still have interviews lined up meaning I'm not a total disaster. Just, 90% a disaster.

I've also slacked on health stuff, quite badly so in fact.

And while I've kept pace with most daily stuff.

I'm, mostly: not focusing on the right things.

Granted, the things I'm focused on are mostly things that can be productive.

For the mafia site I play mafia on, I am 95% done with creating a, repeatable, adjustable, setup which combines aspects of the Town of Us mod and the Other Roles mod in Among Us, along with a cameo role from Project Winter (Identity Thief) and some local spice from roles common on the mafia site itself.

As this is a setup that could be run by anyone, adjusted/modified as they please, so that's not a waste of time. It's actually a worthy endeavor. It's probably the most productive thing I could do from the list. Which is saying something rather unflattering.

The other thing I am working on is Castle 4-0 in minecraft. I'm actually considering, when not faced with job interviews every single day, streaming me building it more. Which would be productive technically speaking. Beyond that, if I ever did complete my work on Castle 4-0, I could port it over into a minecraft world, provided I have the funds to do so.

And then open that server up for others to play around in. That'd be productive.

I've done a fair amount of Epic Battle Fantasy 5 farming--fun, but pointless, albeit technically working towards steam achievements. (Which isn't nothing but isn't much of anything.)

​But by far the least productive of the things I'm working on.
Would be another go at a Civilization 3 mod.

Another go at a modified Rise of Rome scenario. But also incorporating other scenarios in:
A little bit of the ancient Mesopotamia scenario, and having all the eight civs (Rome, Carthage, Persia, Greece, Egypt, Goths, Celts, 'Hordes') from Rise, but also having key civilizations from other scenarios: Turks, Russians, Germans, English, French, Spain, Portugal, and Vikings (for 16 total).

I have the tech tree, approximate technology, approximate units/buildings, etc. all more or less figured out.

The main thing to do would be to build the map.

Which would be something done a little bit by feel; I'd need to make room for two cities that are in the same location, to not be in the same location, as to allow those cities to have two different owners. (Key example of this: Londinium for Rome, but London for England.) I'd keep the approximate loose topography of the areas for all areas, but I'd need to play it largely by feel in order to get it right.

This amounts to a gigantic waste of time.

​But I still want to make it...

Depression has somewhat gotten the better of me today.
I've kept on top of job search stuff, but I've still not done medical stuff.
I've again slacked on mafia stuff. (This is becoming a recurring issue.)
I'm only somewhat managing daily self-care stuff.
I'm also not progressing productive projects like the card game idea I have.

It's not a total collapse, so depression hasn't completely consumed me.

But the depression is still there, strongly enough to be crippling in effect.

I'll take the little win that it hasn't consumed me entirely but I'm worried that if it's this bad now, it could get worse if I don't get better at staying on top of things.

On the bright side tho.
I have maybe figured out how to make a proper drawbridge. Maybe. I've not tried out the science behind it, but if I can figure out how it works, what makes it tick, then I might be able to incorporate that into castle 4-0 for the castle gates. Probably not for the multi-leveled keep, unless I can make it compact.

Still though, castle 4-0 is coming along quite nicely. I'm most of the way towards completing one of the four walls in its entirety. I still need to do one side's tower, and I'm working on chiseling out the archery level and the cannon level, and I haven't done the outsides yet (the moat, the palisade, etc.), but completing that will give me the template for completing the rest of the walls and once I finish the walls, I can get a gate, and from the gate, build the moat and palisade and barbican and after that, I can create the contents within the castle.

Well, I'll probably be making the keep once I finish this wall (as my mental map of castle 4-0 has the keep be on the wall I am making right now), but most of the interior of the castle I want to craft after the exterior. Castle first, interior of the castle second as it's not much of a castle if there's no walls in the first place.

So I'm obviously not fully on top of everything.
My health stuff could be better. (I need to attend to my appointments; I need to stay on top of daily health stuff.)
I have been neglecting a lot of my mafia duties.

But MOSTLY, in spite of having royally messed up, I ended fully on the bounce-back today. I've even managed to do a little bit of work on other things. A little bit of minecraft work yesterday on castle 4.0, a little bit of stardew valley (working towards getting the crafting/cooking/etc. achievements), and currently?

I'm building a new tactical card game that is meant to also have some board game elements (the card game has a chess board layout).

It's not something I want to show off on my blog, because this actually feels like it could be a big thing.

​I might detail the game after it's done, but this feels like something I can actually make and have it be actually good.

I would say "in my defense, I have been busy" doing a lot of things, which is true!
...But mostly the lack of blogs has been pure sheer nasty depression sticking its ugly face out and taking control of my life.

I am however, trying to fight back. It's not an overnight process where I will suddenly magically have a fix for everything, but I'm working on it, trying to get more and more on top of it. I've actually done a ton of stuff, gathering makeup supplies, shopping, etc. But I've got a lot more work to do.

I started with a list of activities, divided up into one-time things, daily/weekly things, and additional/optional things on top of those, and then added in a need to remember login information for various different important things.

So far, this is what I've got;


ONE-TIME THINGS:
-Catch up on emails
-Do tax stuff
-Regain access to any sites I need to (at least one but see below)
-Restart unemployment (I messed up by not doing it so need to restart it)
-Seek psychologist (so that I can begin transition)
-Pursue namechange
-Finish makeup collection

DAILY/WEEKLY THINGS:
-Shave (daily for face)
-Comb hair (do with shave)
-Makeup (daily once I've got the supplies)
-Shower 3-4x / week + change (Monday, Wednesday, Friday?)
-Dental Hygiene (2x/day)
-Unemployment once restarted (weekly?)
-Shave (chest Wed, legs Fri, arms Mon)
-Pills once gotten (at prescribed time/method/etc.)
-Checking email (daily+)

ADDITIONAL DAILY THINGS:
-Once on pills, exercise:
*Daily: jackknives/crunches alternating
(start 10, increase by 5/week up to 100)
*Knuckle Pushups Monday / Wednesday / Friday
(start 5, increase by 1/week up to 100)
(use corset or similar for back form)
*Squats Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday
(start 10, increase by 2/week up to 100)
*Walk/Jog/Run;
Walk 1 mile/day, increase by 1 mile/week;
After up to 5, add jog for 1 mile on top of walk (6 total);
After 5 jog + 5 walk, add 1 mile run;
Max out at 15 miles / day

BONUS ADDITIONAL/OPTIONAL ACTIVITIES IN A DAY (Possible activities):
-League of Legends
-Teamfight Tactics
-TFT Hyper-roll
-Chrono Trigger
-Stardew Valley
-Epic Battle Fantasy 5
-Minecraft
-Art
*Finish self-portrait
*Finish Elemental Ruby
-Phyrra and Cyrus (scriptwork, songwriting)
-Job Search

-Storywriting (the below are stories I have a recent desire to work on)
*Coat
*The Bandit Seven (supervillain/"hero")
*Vetra (superhero/villain)
*The supervillain trio story
*Threadripper and Kinesis (supervillain) story
*Requiem (supervillain)
*Projection (superhero + supervillain) story
*Heroes 4 Hire (superhero)



ACCOUNTS I NEED ACCESS TO:
(I probably should not list these publicly even on a blog nobody reads so, uh...there's a bunch here just not to be listed)

So that's what I've done.

It's not enough, but it's at least a good start.

I was struggling, hardcore, to get good progress on the League Sentinel vs Ruined event. I barely unlocked Gwen, but was hard hard hardstuck in that level with no way of progressing quickly--bot games don't progress the event, and tft doesn't have a champion who progresses the event unlocked, at least not yet. Meaning I was limited to my slow slow slow progress on Normals.

During the LCO, it was mentioned that zombie wards artificially inflate your vision score, so tonight, I ran a build using zombie wards, and sure enough? Each and every single game, I unlocked the progress for the event, completing Demacia.

I'm taking a break right now to watch BRO play in the LCK (my favorite teams in the LCK are Damwon, BRO, Arthur-HLE, T1, and DRX in about that order, with Yohan-HLE kicking the team down to like sixth or seventh because I am an Arthur fan and I think a lot of HLE's success is due to him and am not a fan of Yohan in comparison), but I may go back later tonight as well.

Turns out the build I'm running actually works pretty well, too. I'm running dark harvest + taste of blood (I know cheap shot is better for Ashe and damage, but I need the healing due to not building any sustain item) + zombie wards + ultimate hunter, with approach velocity + biscuits (the biscuits help me with mana, approach velocity helps me with mobility), starting tear and then building umbral glaive into manamune and then situationally Duskblade or Ravenous Hydra (although as support, vigilant wardstone gets built and I have the support item, too).

I'm not running into mana shortages and not really running out of HP and am dealing decent damage and huge vision, so. It's working!

...So much as there is, continued, "I didn't do as much as I wanted to do today", today.

However, it notably wasn't nothing.

I may not have streamed.
I may not have played Stardew Valley.
I may not have won a game of League of Legends.
I may not have done my daily things like mafia games.
I may not have done anything on my new to-do list with a deadline of July 23rd (my birthday).
I may not even have blogged about the above in spite of having planned to, due to me being too tired now to do so.

All of that is stuff I didn't do that I wanted to have gotten done.

But critically, today was not a wash.

I did manage to unlock some of the event content in League of Legends.
I did manage to finish the base of Castle 4-0 in minecraft.
I did do a little bit of farming in Chrono Trigger and tie up a couple of things I wanted to do there.

But biggest of all?

I did go to shop for more additional clothes, something I was in desperate need of, as I was putting off taking a shower for the last few days in part due to a lack of clean clothes to change into.

So tomorrow I can take a shower and change, but beyond that, have access to more of my preferred clothing now.

It felt really good to do.

So I've got a lot to do tomorrow.

I've got a lot of progress to work on.
​But I still have done some stuff that was good. Which is better than nothing.

So League of Legends has a new event.

The upside; it is really cool!

The downside; you need to verse actual people for it as there's no tft (at least at the beginning) allowed, and I tested it out and it doesn't work on ai bot games. Meaning that in order to complete the event, I need to play god only knows how many games.

I really really need to put in the time/effort there when able to tho.

​I'm burned out for the night in playing, but every spare moment I can, I need to. Because this will be a grinddddddddddddd...

I can't go into full details, but as it is public that it was me I can at least mention this much; today made at least one consequence of a screwup I did yesterday official. (It is possible there may be further repercussions down the line. Given it was an accident and it was unintentional, I am obviously hoping there won't be, but given the nature of the offense and how I was already on thin ice before, it's definitely possible that I could face further punishment down the line for the messup. It'd suck, but I cannot say it'd be unwarranted, because I did genuinely screw up, so the punishment I received is the absolute minimum. I do mean it when I say I will count myself lucky if it is the only punishment I get because I mean it when I say it was worthy of being punished, accident/unintended or not.)

Basically, while I still cannot share the full story, I can go into the basics. On the site I play mafia on, I was in a mafia game. I believed myself to be within the rules with my posting--a first clarification in the rules, there was extenuating circumstances which led me to believe that I was still within them thanks to a case of unfortunate events. (In short, a private communication was similar, but much shorter, to the public communication. I believed, erroneously, that the private communication was just a shorter summary of the public communication. It was not.)

This led to the rule needing to be clarified a second time, and I received a minor punishment for the first with it being expected that future violations of the rule would give no such leniency because after both rule clarifications, the policy was as unambiguous as possible.

So how did I screw up?

Well, I was typing a post made that I believed to be within the rules between the first clarification and the second. I was unable to post it before the second clarification, and the initial draft of said post, while it'd have been fine if posted prior to the second rule clarification, was not okay to post after the second rule clarification.

I knew this.

So I revised the post, to make it fit within the clarified rule.

I double-checked it; I triple-checked it; I was absolutely sure that I had fixed it, fixed the post typed before the rule clarification to fit within the guidelines set after--and to be fair, true to the Spiderman Homecoming 90% meme, the post did in fact mostly fix the original issues! I caught most of them!

...Most, but not all;

I missed...one.

I missed one spot, that violated the rule that was clarified a second time.

It was, obviously, accidental! It was, obviously, unintentional! I did revise the original post and tried to remove the rule violating aspects of it...but missing one spot? Completely and totally my fault. And I had already been warned and punished for the rule violation.

Again, to reiterate--this is completely and entirely my fault. It wasn't deliberate, but not being deliberate does not mean it didn't happen. It did. Accidental or not, it still transpired; unintentional or intentional, it still occurred. And once it did, once I failed to spot it, once I had broken the rule that I was immediately told not to break again, I needed to face the consequences, face the punishment for it.

It sucks, but when you screw up, it does carry consequences. I literally have nobody to blame but myself. The punishment I have received is the least amount of punishment I could possibly receive. (So if I receive more, while that'll suck, it'll still be warranted. I cannot argue against punishment. I can explain the circumstances behind it and I can explain my viewpoint but my viewpoint is that whatever punishment I get will be justified, not be too harsh, and be absolutely what I deserve because of my mistake because again, mistakes carry consequences and I made one. Knowing I made a mistake and regretting that I made it cannot undo it so all I can do is live with the consequences of my error.)

I obviously can't explain more than that (this much should be acceptable), but that was one thing which happened today; action punishing me for the mistake I made yesterday night. I knew it was coming, obviously; there was no way to possibly justify not punishing the action because it's a cut and dry clear unambiguous situation with no other possible resolution, with no other possible punishment to give.

Knowing it was coming, knowing it was justified, didn't mean it doesn't sting tho. It absolutely does. And it was one of the first things I woke up to see today. Not the way I really wanted to start my day, but I had to face the music sooner or later because again. I messed up, so there were going to be consequences to having screwed up. Unfortunate as the accident may have been, regrettable as the unintentional breach was, punishment was unavoidable because there was no possible leniency to be given and it was warranted and justified and if the punishment I got is all I get then I am in fact to be considered lucky.

Still sucks tho and again. Starting my day that way? Not exactly pleasant.

There was some good to counterbalance that, tho.
Today for the 4th of July I got to wear another dress! I took a shower, which I desperately needed, and changed into the dress. My family, who were all there, were by and large (being who they were)...less than impressed. Nobody said anything but when all of them realized I wasn't wearing my favorite (because it's long enough to basically act like a dress) T-shirt and was in fact wearing a dress that gave me notable curves, I managed to catch them having some rather...unfortunate expressions on their face.

Suffice to say, most of them did not approve of my apparel of choice.

And, yes. There was in fact tension to be had, there. Conversations were mostly natural but there were still occasional pauses--this is normal enough, but in this case the pauses seemed "different" to me somehow, in a way that felt directly resultant from me.

​Then there's again the fact that the entirety of my family aside from my younger sister deadnames me and misgenders me actively...and also the self-loathing every time I respond to the deadname rather than telling them "that's not my name".

Again, nothing really specific to the date in question, but something that there's a disconnect between what I tell myself and what goes on in reality. I tell myself, "every time they deadname me, I will tell them 'that's not my name'". Every time they actually deadname me (well, almost; I do occasionally have the smarts to not respond at all), I respond out of habit.

After all, I've used my deadname for 27 years in real life. It's literally instinct to me, especially from voices I know, in tones I know, asking questions that are normal from them. As someone with autism, inertia is unfortunately, working against me here; I've built up 27 years of inertia ingrained within me to instinctively respond to them on demand when they use my deadname.

So far, good to bad is two to two if you count 'good dress' and 'shower' as two separate goods.

​More in the bad; I had only one meal tonight and it was two hot dogs. Admittedly, hot dogs with chili and bacon, but my normal hot dogs in a night? Four. I didn't have breakfast; I didn't have S'mores (I couldn't stomach them), I didn't have hamburgers, and I had half my normal amount of hot dogs. (I also didn't have corn on the cob but I never have corn on the cob unless there's melted butter with the butter-spread-stick and the hold-corn-without-mess-prongs, which we had neither of.)

I did have a plate full of barbeque chips, which by my estimate is somewhere in the .75 give or take .25 range for meals (as in, could be as small as half a meal's worth, could be as much as a meal's worth; it was a lot of chips but individual chips aren't that filling), but given 2 hot dogs is half of my normal meal, that meant tonight the maximum amount you could say I had was 1.25 meals' worth of food.

You're meant to have three.

And while I admit, I was more thirsty than hungry.

So a lot of the time, I wasn't hungry at all.

A fair amount of the issue was digestion. I wasn't feeling 'full', I was feeling like I couldn't stomach more food.

Normally, this is easily solved by, ahhhh...so to speak, emptying the system. Using the bathroom productively and flushing from the system something more than fluids. But I couldn't do that all of tonight, which meant, to my body, I had too much within me in spite of often wanting more.

I suspect the issue was circadian rhythm based.

My circadian rhythm is all out of whack, due to my rather not-the-best sleep schedule, but as of late, I've had a sleep schedule that is at least somewhat consistent if unorthodox; going to bed in the 5-7 am range, and then waking up in the 1-4 pm range. Today I was woken up a full 40 minutes earlier than I was planning, which I suspect may have contributed.

Unusual sleep schedule that's maybe not the best for digestion anyway + disruption to that sleep schedule via being woken up early + me not having food immediately (it took 1-3 hours or so for me to get the food) = suspected culprit for me having had less room. Also, maybe being thirsty all day may have contributed, with my only fluids being coffee (which isn't zero-calorie so does have some fill value even being liquid in nature).

Basically, lots of things could've caused it, hard to say the exact culprit, maybe multiple adding up, but it happened so that means I had less than optimal.

​Later in the night though, I decided to stream...
...And I got my first-ever raid! It was amazing! It was mostly lurkers aside from the broadcaster, but the broadcaster who raided me remained active for the vast majority of the stream and they and I had a fair number of similarities so I really enjoyed chatting with them and bonding with them.

Which means my night has ended on a bit of a high note. So, so​ glad I decided to stream on what amounts to a whim!

Anyway, bed now.

We'll have to see what tomorrow brings.