Felt like I was far far far below the acceptable standard at work.

Ended up getting literally nothing done. Like, nothing nothing. I had hope of maybe having an in for getting started on my hormones, but nothing there yet. I have done zilch. I promised to do mafia stuff that I have not. I've not touched steam, including having not worked on my civ 3 mod. No league, no tft, what have I don today?

Nothing. Not even lifeguard humor which I have the ability to do.

I've not even watched streams that I should! If I was catching up on the 2 streams I've now missed huge swathes of, I'd call the day acceptable--didn't even do that.

So this day is basically a failure in every way possible. What could I have done worse? Not hygiene, that was terrible too.

​I got nothing good to say about the day.

Okay so I ended up not doing the thing that I meant to do on Thursday and meant to do on Friday (ooooops), but in my Civ 3 mod, I managed to get a ton of work done, and beyond that?

I actually managed to install some Christmas gifts on my computer! Which is good and will help me a lot.

I do apologize for that, but I am incredibly incredibly busy with a bunch of important rl stuff right now.

I will be doing better in the future. January has been one of the busiest months in my entire life, and I've got even more to do yet. But the things I've got to do are mostly getting done and will soon be finished. From transitioning maybe starting to work that I need to do to keep my job at work to recovering from covid (okay that one's not getting done sadly), I'm genuinely almost there in terms of getting better.

Still got a few things to catch up on (one vod to watch, and tomorrow will produce an LEC vod to also watch), but mostly? Mostly getting to the spot where I will be able to be not bad at blogging.

I am being kept busy. I'm not going to be able to make a real blog tonight thanks to all of the catching up that I am doing but suffice to say, today was a catchup day and so was yesterday to some extent, just not as productively so. I've got a lot to do. League stuff (final mission is ranked, and ranked is something I want to be trying to do anyway), work stuff (very important things), a lot of things, too many for me to think of.

I'll also say that it's now been 16 days since I was sick with covid (I think that's the math? Two weeks was Wednesday and today's Friday) and I'm still coughing. I'm not feeling like I have a bacterial infection but hoo boy I don't really think I'm doing so well.

I'm not surprised at the time, I knew it was this late, but I'm surprised at how fast it takes to get to this time especially given I don't know what I was doing in the time prior to that. I knew it was 3 when it was 3, I knew it was 4 when it was 4 (as I type this, it's 4:20 noice), I knew it was 2 when it was 2, but how I managed to get so little done? That I don't have any idea about.

​I'll not get anything done tomorrow (in fact I'll need to skip blogging tomorrow due to Wednesday Closer into Thursday Opener so you'll see now blog from me tomorrow, sorry), but with luck, after that, I'll be getting more done again.

I swore I saw it be 1:30 like an hour ago and that it was 2:30 but apparently it's 4 am???

I might've had something to say, but looks like I'll be just going to bed, sorry.

I will say tho that I am trying to get back into content creation.

It's just...I'm not executing on my vision.

Still tried.

It's just that what I uploaded was awful, I legit don't know why I bothered advertising it because my execution of my idea botched the humor behind it.

...But turns out I do have some frustration.

I need a letter to certify that I am MtF to begin estrogen and up my dose of the T-blocker.

I was hoping that it could be done online, but it needs to be done in person. Meaning either my January 21st appointment, or if I can get a sooner behavioral mental health appointment.

Either way though, a bit frustrating.

Understandable, due to legal reasons.

But frustrating.

It's not that I've done nothing, it's that after having done something I was up at a late enough time and/or so tired that I didn't write a blog (or remember to). It was time well spent tho, as I've been streaming Final Fantasy VII. (I also kinda want to look into putting my streams on Youtube, considered doing that today when I had the free time but I'm selfish so I prioritized other things that I probably shouldn't have put so much focus on.)

I will say this though.

I want to be a good streamer.

I want to be competent.

I want to be better.

I literally put in some time to create a background, starting screen, and break screen (tho I should also get a stream ending screen). I figured out how to put text on the screen of the stream.

I realize the art is terrible (MS Paint 5 minute art), and I need to replace it with better art once inspired. (I talked about this at the end of one of my streams--basically, I have seen plenty of starting/break/ending screens and how they handle overlays. But I need to be inspired in order to make a good one for myself. I can create it myself, but in order to do so, I need to have a vision on what I want to create, and I currently lack one.)

​But I still put in that attempt to improve.

And yet, it's still not good enough.

My streams are terrible.

The content of them can be good! The passion I have for Chrono Trigger is something that bridged how terrible the streams otherwise would be. The passion I have for FFVII similarly so! And my facial reactions, when I can show them on stream, are potentially entertaining. (Also there's occasional kitteh content.)

But the quality of the stream isn't great. I don't carry myself in a way which makes me a good streamer. And the stream lacks good bells and whistles. It's in a bad format. My equipment isn't great. My layout is slopping. My commands, my titles, everything, it's not great. It gets the job done, but getting the job done isn't good enough.

If I want to actually succeed as a streamer.

I need to get to a point where my streams are not terrible.

I have ideas on how to improve.

But right now all of them are just ideas.

They're not realized.

Some of my bigger fans, so to speak, will be supportive and say that I'm not terrible in my streams. After all, the content of them can be good! My passion for games can show, my reactions can be gold! (And bonus kitteh content is always welcome.) They would point that out, maybe add things like 'soothing', 'calm', 'chill', 'good to just vibe in', etc.

But the fact of the matter is, if they didn't know me already and want to support me already, they wouldn't be in my stream. They'd be elsewhere. They wouldn't find my content and stick around and stay--why would they? I don't have the streamer sense to be able to captivate new people coming in. I can't really show them how much I love their presence, how much I appreciate them, how much I want to vibe with them.

I'm autistic. I can't speak well. I don't know what to do, say, how to say it, and that's if I'm able to at all given that my streams frequently have no-mic periods thanks to my family.

​So by every metric, every objective rather than subjective metric, my streams are terrible.

I know that I can make them be better. At least theoretically. I know that they're already adequate, thanks to being hard-carried by the games I'm playing having such staying power that they bring folks in. But while the games I'm playing can keep me afloat.

I won't have made it until I have streams which have people show up and stay not out of obligation to me due to being friends/associates. But stay because they genuinely think my streams are worth watching no matter what. For people who have never interacted with me before, never seen me around. To come, see what I'm doing, and think that it's worth staying around for more because I've got a good thing going.

Nobody who is a current viewer of mine is capable of giving me that, or reassuring me that I have that, because all of my current viewers are said friends and associates, who have interacted with me before. They've seen me around. So they have those preexisting biases towards me. It needs to be from a complete and total stranger. And so far? I don't have it.

And right now, why would I?

I don't actually have a good thing going.

I have the potential to have a good thing going.

I have ideas, oh so many ideas, which if realized would elevate me to a much higher level.

But the ideas are unrealized and because they're unrealized? It means that the potential is just that. Potential, not actual. My streams are terrible.

I literally ended stream today and went "god I'm terrible at this". I actually had much stronger language than that, albeit language I've since forgotten in the process of writing this blog. (I actually started writing this blog specifically because I'd already tweeted so wanted to write down the thought in another medium, thinking that I'd make a one-liner blog. Turned out I had a bit more to say than that...and in the process, forgot what I was going to say originally.)

But whatever the sentence is that I was going to say, the sentiment still carries weight.

I hated myself for ending stream when I did. I wanted to keep going. And I realized just how bad my stream was the moment I stopped. It didn't end satisfactory. It wasn't something I felt good about. It was too short, and not only was it short, the content wasn't good. I wasn't on top of my game. I wasn't being full of commentary, reactions, etc. I was just...going through the motions.

And that makes it one of the worst streams I've done in months.

​I need to do better because that was unacceptably terrible.

Tomorrow is my endocrinology appointment.

It was originally scheduled to be in-person, but then I got covid and tested positive for covid and thus, had to change the type of appointment.

While I was progressing under the prior endocrinologist, this is a new one thanks to the prior one retiring, so I am yet again facing the same fears as the last one: being gatekept.

Originally, by this time, I was meant to be on two pills and start taking estrogen.

But I am worried between it being a first visit, and being remote, that I might get gatekept and be delayed further.

I want to take the next steps so badly. I literally am double-padding bras and shaving twice daily and it's not good enough. I need more. I just...want things to be the way they should be.

​So here's to hoping.

...But while I knew them earlier today, I forgot what traits I...well, forgot. Oops.

Succubii have the flight, the innate understanding of social relationships, ability to read them, enhanced ability to charm, both through psychological reading and through literal seductive power (not used), dream viewing, dream manipulation, limited memory rewriting (requires them to be sleeping, is short-term only, and prone to failure; also not used), and probably more that I, again...forgot.

I'll see about looking up Succubus powers in various settings, and see what I want. I want most, but not all, of the powers. For instance, mind-reading I want a form of, but not as strong as in DMFA Cubi mindreading for instance. (And in this case, from the Slime half not Succubus half.)

I did however come up with the protagonist's superhero name. It's something that she very very very deliberately selected:
Wetgirl.

It seems like a lame name, and a name easy to make fun of, due to the nature of the innuendo of a name--but that's actually the point, that's actually precisely the reason she chose it as her superhero name. She doesn't want to be just a slime girl, she's a succubus and a slime girl, so she chose an alias that would pay homage to both halves of her, rather than just one.

And did so while remaining mostly family-friendly. Something that parents can't truly object to naming-wise, but which conveys the succubii heritage while also conveying her main power source, that being, her water affinity (since Slimes are more water than anything else).

Anyway, while I could have more to say, tonight? Tonight I need to listen to my body's urgings of sleep, so I'll be going to bed to hopefully beat covid as soon as possible.