And I realize I've got important blogs to make. (There's a really REALLY important one to make about Phyrra and Cyrus.)

However.

I'm honestly a little bit...well, "kept busy", by work, and the aftermath of work.

Aftermath in this case meaning, I'm days behind on watching League of Legends Worlds, watching EDG vs. T1 (D5 of playoffs), because I've not had the ability to watch the more recent stuff yet. Among other things.

I'm in for another back to back to back to back work week, Sunday and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday, all requiring me to go to bed about when Worlds starts (circa 4 am) and wake up when it ends (circa noon) and go to work and come home at circa 9 pm, leaving me with ~5 free hours...when Worlds days are typically ~7 hours long (give or take).

While at 1.5x speed, that's doable in a single day, it's only doable if I'm not spending time watching another stream that I consider that important to watch. Meaning that on a day like Sunday when there's other things I want to do until circa midnight, I've only got ~3-4 hours, which is a tighter fit, and one I often can't squeeze in the entirety of.

I will have more control over my life going into the future.

Worlds will be ending fairly soon.
I will get acclimated at work, finish all the work stuff that I'm struggling with now, have a more established normalized work schedule, etc.

​But it'll take me some time to do so and until I get there, my life will be a hectic chaotic mess.

Yaknow, the thing that's meant to be daily which for literally 6 years straight was precisely that but in the last year or so has begun to slip to be much much lower and be closer to like once a week because of my incompetence?

That daily thing?

Well speaking of incompetence, that brings me to a thought I wanted to voice and the actual reason for me blogging today;

My new job as a lifeguard.

Right now, I don't feel fully incompetent, but I also don't feel competent.
I want to be an investment: not an employee hired because they were short on staff, valued for being an extra body, but actually someone who was worth hiring and keeping even if they become borderline-overstaffed.

I want to become the best lifeguard they ever hire.

Someone who starts out with the very very big growing pains. Who is genuinely not very good, just adequate (and barely so), but who will grow to become a basically perfect employee.

I'm not there yet.

But I genuinely think I could be.

I don't feel like I'm an impostor, a fake, a fraud (feelings I had when I worked before at my old job especially since my hiring process was somewhat...unorthodox).

I feel like I was hired on the merits of having earned it, been worthy of it, working for it, and that I can live up to that promise.

I want to be better.
I need to be better.

There's presumably an acceptable growth period where they know I won't be really prepared for the job, so won't be fully competent, won't be fully adept, won't be doing everything I'm meant to, will make mistakes, will need help, etc.

But that period is temporary and I need to be capable of doing my job basically on my own after that grace period has left.

I have a genuine desire, a genuine drive, to be better, to become the best.

I want to become an employee seen as the most valuable lifeguard to have ever been hired.
I want to become not just an extra body, who is okay at the job but is clearly not great at lifeguarding, to becoming a model lifeguard for all other lifeguards to strive towards becoming.

There's no fear of losing the job behind this drive.
There's no feeling of needing to prove it to myself behind this drive.
There's nothing ulterior in my motive here, although I will admit to bonuses like the above and similar and more.

It genuinely comes from a deep-slated desire to just be better at lifeguarding.

I always knew I enjoyed being a lifeguard, and that I genuinely wanted to lifeguard, not just as a job, but because I know I can be good at the job, and it's one of the few jobs I know I can be good at.

But the more I lifeguard again, the greater this desire to just be better at lifeguarding becomes.
I don't want to slack off.
I don't want to become lazy.
I don't want to become so-so.

I want to excel. I want to do the job right. And that's just a passion. Just a genuine desire to do the job not just well, but as close to perfect as is possible for a human.

To be better than I was before.

To improve at my job.

I know I'm not there yet.

But I WANT to get there.

​Sooner rather than later.

In my defense...

...I've been really really busy with work.

Work has been going really well.

It's just that I've been way way way too swamped with the growing pains there for a blog.

I'll be blogging later in the week, doing more, but right now, just trying to work, do all the work, get in to work, and be good there.

I did have a desire yesterday to write a blog about my plurality (the nature of my median system), but I ended up getting too tired to write it. And as for tonight...well. I got nuthin'. I don't have the mindset to write about the thing I was going to yesterday, and for things for today...coming up empty. Still not in the mindset to write the misophonia blog, either. I already blogged about the progress on Civ 3.

And I'm pretty sure my last blog mentioned Epic Battle Fantasy stuff? I guess just in case I can cover it again. Basically, I spent an entire night just listening to Epic Battle Fantasy music, because I just...wanted to, the nostalgia was strong. It was on a whim that I went to spend the night listening to EPF 3 music (particularly the normal battle music and boss music from that game).

Since then, I've actually made good progress in the game. I beat a couple of bonus zones, and I even managed to beat one of the bosses I thought would be among the hardest in the game; the underground Neo Valkyrie fight where it regenerates health every turn, makes two bombs that can TPK every four turns, deals ridiculous damage, and has over five million HP.

It did take me multiple tries, mind you, and tweaking my strategy multiple times, but I ultimately pulled it off by giving my main party 100% bomb resistance (130% for NoLegs, the member with the weakest ability to heal), high wind resistance, immunity to most of the status effects, and lots and lots of haste (between Viking Monolith procs and casual haste procs which in some instances stack). From there, I used Temperance on Matt to boost his attack power to the max and spammed the earth spike, with NoLegs applying max curse and weakness and Natt healing, syphoning, and when free to attack, either applying weakness or applying tiredness from gaia blossom (which deals good damage, too).

It was very very close, since I ran out of SP on the bombs, Natt couldn't syphon both the spawned bombs, the bombs were one turn from exploding, and I was out of revives, low on health, with the bombs going off spelling out a TPK--but I did end up eventually pulling through, barely, to finish it off, on my last party member's last turn.

I'm basically, slowly, progressing through all the top half of the map. After that, I know there's a really really really nightmarish fight in the snow area of the bottom half, which I'll get after going through the river and doing a full cycle or two of the frozen area before steeling myself for the fight that isn't technically a boss fight but which is still nightmarishly difficult. (I don't even remember the enemy, probably either a Mammoth or a Monolith that's gargantuan.)

After that, we'll be getting to progressing the game with the fall area with the tomb and such, which will take us into new content for the game.

​I'm slowly progressing.

The mod I am working on right now, MegaMediterranean, is basically combining aspects of the Mesopotamian, Rise of Rome, Fall of Rome, Middle Ages, Age of Discovery, and Napoleonic Era (with the faction I called 'The Hordes' taking a little extra from Sengoku Sword of the Shogun).

It is a scenario with four ages, covering the Rise of Rome, Middle Ages, Renaissance, and what I called the "Imperial Age". (Beginning of industrial age, so there's coal and railroads but not really units from that era.)

It has 16 civilizations, 15 of them playable:
Rome (allied with England), locked in war with Carthage (and France), has units that are incredibly powerful and have terraforming capabilities, but their units are at their strongest soon after the beginning of the game. Though they retain relevance into the midgame, their Imperial-era units are not as good, and they lose their uniqueness down the line. Though all their units are strong, their Legionaries are their strongest.

Carthage (allied with France), locked in war with Rome (and England), has the cheapest unit line in the game and their War Elephants are their staple power, able to absolutely decimate opponents. They require gold/ivory/silver to build most of their units, but they are cheap, the idea being to overwhelm with sheer manpower advantage.

Greece, locked in war with Persia, has the best spearman-type units, as well as having early access to amphibious assault and hidden nationality units, making them adept at naval warfare. They also have access to certain otherwise-exclusive-to-Rome things in the midgame, owing to Byzantine heritage.

Persia (similar to Russia), locked in war with Greece, has a gigantic land mass, and similar diversity in units they can field, albeit exclusively early-focused compared to the late-focused Russia. They have Immortals who have 1 more attack than Hoplites but one less defense (so that whoever attacks has the advantage), but also have a wide array of units, including access to the Barbarian tree of units and being able to field Ansar Warriors. However, their units fall off in the mid to lategame.

All four of them, plus Egypt (who has the unique trait of chariots, but otherwise has nothing), have access to multiple techs at the beginning of the game.

England (allied with Rome), locked in war with France (and Carthage) is an Imperial lategame powerhouse, with the strongest naval units in the game, and second-strongest Imperial age units. Though they require getting to the lategame to get to their units, once they have access to them, they can absolutely dominate. They have both the strength (hard to reach), and weakness (hard to invade), of being on an island.

France (allied with Carthage), locked in war with England (and Rome) is an Imperial lategame powerhouse, with the strongest musket-aged units in the game. By sheer raw numbers, they have the strongest most powerful units in the game. Though they have a rough early game (given they need to survive the onslaught of Rome), if they can get through that, they can conquer the world.

Germany has nothing noteworthy to it until the very very very end, at the absolute last section of the tech tree. At which point they get access to three gamebreaking units, the Ironclad (better even than the English naval unit), the Artillery (best artillery unit in the game), and building 'mobile fortresses' (tanks), the best "Cavalry" in the game. However, they lack any special units until then, meaning that while they are the latest of lategame powerhouses, they have literally nothing until then.

Spain starts fairly weak at the beginning, but in the midgame gains access to one of the strongest units in the game; their Conquistador, with the full movement of an Explorer (buffed to be 4 movement with all terrain as roads), decent attack/defense, amphibious assault, blitz, and multiple other aspects, for the cheap cheap price of 30 shields (and they can be drafted, too), meaning that one unit can be built and spammed to basically sweep the map.

Portugal starts fairly weak, but has access from the getgo to a couple of minor Wonders that allow them to have sea capability. Their Carracks are some of the best naval transports in the game in being both warships and transports.

The Celts have the unique trait of all their units having one extra movement point. At their highest level, these units also ignore the movement cost of mountains, hills, and forests. They also have the most units capable of enslaving, giving them a dedicated workforce which can be sacrificed for cheap culture points. They also have access to the Barbarian line of units.

The Goths have the unique trait of sacrificing defense for pure sheer raw offense, having THE strongest overwhelming offensive advantage at every tier of their units, at the cost of having basically zero defense. (For instant, Teutonic Warriors at 10 shields have 4 attack, higher than any other unit's attack at that shield cost.) They also have access to the Barbarian line of units.

The Hordes have the unique trait of all of their units treating all terrain as if it were roads. Beyond that, they have some of the most diverse units, including horse archers, extra cavalry levels, incredibly powerful swordsmen, and all around have the strongest overwhelming potential with sheer mobility and strength. However, they start with the smallest amount of territory. They do have access to the Barbarian line of units to help them though.

The Vikings have access to some of the best midgame sea transports in the form of the Longship, while also being classified as a Barbarian civilization and having access to the ultimate unit from that line of units, the Beserk, an amphibious assault powerhouse with huge attack and decent defense and good mobility.

The Russians also have access to the Barbarian units and also have access to some Byzantine units while also having Imperial units of their own. However, while they have access to the Viking Beserk and Longship and Byzantine Dromons and Cataphracts, their Imperial units aren't the strongest. They have a huuuuuuge amount of landmass though, enough to rival Persia, so can remain relevant at every stage of the game.

The Turks have a somewhat sizeable amount of land, while having access to some incredibly powerful Imperial units. They have earlier access to Imperial age units, and while their Imperial units aren't as strong as France/England, they tend to have longer range, tend to have access to them earlier, allowing them to reach their peak power much sooner.

The idea is for each civilization to have unique strengths that allow them to dominate through fairly clear win conditions. 

I'm working on putting all the units into the game.
Units put in have multiple levels. Initial level puts them into the game with all their final values and functions.
Then there's the next level which adds in their tech requirement.
The final form is renaming each unit to have a different PRTO and have a unique civilopedia entry, but this is a luxury.

​I'm about 3/8ths of the way finished in this task.

Once I get all the units in at their initial levels (where they don't crash the game and are in with their final attributes), the next thing to do is add in all the buildings/Wonders that I want to add in. They, too, get an initial level and the next level which adds in their tech requirement, before a final form renaming each building to have a unique civilopedia entry.

​Then comes doing the governments, tweaking them to be where I want them to be.

And then I tackle the tech tree. I have the techs, all of them, start to finish, worked out. I just need to put in the work there.

After the tech tree, I go back through the resources, all the units, all the buildings, and the governments, to set their tech requirement to the next level.

And then, I work on building the map for this scenario.

Once the map is done, the game is in a state where it's playable. It'd be messy, because it requires knowing all of the changes made due to the civilopedia not listing things correctly. But it'd be workable. (And the next step would be changes to making the civilopedia accurate. For the civilizations, for the units, for the wonders, all of it.)

It's a lot of work but I still am working on it gradually, bit by bit.

I wanted to make a misophonia blog today.
But I'm not in the mood.
I wanted to do writing for Phyrra and Cyrus earlier today.
But I'm not in the mood.
I played both League and TFT so am not in the mood.
I got to MY personal-100%-complete mark in Stardew Valley (not actual 100% but accomplished everything short of that which I have an active desire to), so not in the mood for that.
Not in the mood for Epic Battle Fantasy 5 right now.
Did a fair amount of work on Minecraft but am no longer in the mood there.
Did a ton of work on Civ 3 but am not in the mood to do more work there.

All in all I want to do nothing, not even sleep.

Which means.

​Depression. Bad.

No, that's not been why I've neglected doing so until now; prior days have been 2/2 I-just-outright-forgot vs. I-was-literally-too-busy.

So four days absence, not due to being unable to blog.

Today however is. I have the ability to, I have the memory to, I'm not too busy, I just...don't have the capacity to write a good blog tonight.

Which is a shame. I've done a TON which is blog-worthy.

​I just lack the energy for it.

I am having my endocrinology appointment this Friday. (I realize there is a very small risk, technically speaking, of me saying this publicly given that I don't want to tick off my brother on that day, however, literally the only way he'd find out is if he decided to track down a place where I said it, such as this blog, which I get the impression he refuses to do, so I should be safe.)

I got a job offer today. Gonna ponder for a day or two on whether to accept it or not, but it's a big thing.

I'm having a lot good happen.

Like having started the script work on Phyrra and Cyrus.

I'm in a big depression zone tho as right now...I don't want to do anything. I had more on my mind to blog but even that I can't find the words for.

...But I'm pretty darn surprisingly close.
I'm taking the day off of mafia stuff (as I normally do on Saturdays), and health stuff continues to not be the best of things, but I am mostly on top of my life right now, because I just felt inspired today. It sounds weird to say, but it honestly feels like a mixture of simultaneous mania and depression coexisting for different areas.

Maybe a touch of autism/adhd in there as well.

Basically.

I started the day working on the civ 3 mod--the most worthless of the worthless thing to do. I made very very good progress there, but I got burned out from working on it so much so I didn't want to work on it more today.

But the usual timekillers aside from it I felt apathetic about. I don't feel like playing League tonight, or TFT tonight, or Epic Battle Fantasy 5, or offline Chrono Trigger, or Stardew Valley, or offline minecraft work. That leaves precious little on the list of timekillers.

So what came to mind that was left?

Two things. Neither a waste. Both which I should be trying to do more of anyway. Not mutually exclusive, either, as one is better later at night when my family is asleep and the other can be done before then.

I basically...came up with streaming (probably building minecraft), or...working on Phyrra and Cyrus. I was thinking of things to do, and the folder with my Phyrra and Cyrus stuff just...caught my eye. I kept staring at it, going back to it, and the inspiration just...struck me. Because it called out to me.

I don't even know what I am going to do there, yet. I think it'll be script-work though because it all starts somewhere and there is a very good place to begin.

​Wish me luck.