The rules are quite simple.
I don't stop playing until my wins equal my losses.
With 'wins' defined as 'top four' and losses defined as 'bottom four'.

After all, by sheer RNG, this should be 50/50 split evenly between the two, right?

I do have a couple extra rules tho.
1: A first-place finish counts as TWO wins. Because I'm never finishing this otherwise.
2: If someone is a bloody comp thief that finishes above me, even in a top four finish, the win doesn't count, but also doesn't count as a win. This should, in theory, balance out with the above.

I developed this game after losing five games in a row and being dissatisfied with this.

The current score at 7:40 am. Is -10 wins.
As in.
I need ten games of winning.
Or five first-place finishes.

The game is not going well.

It is incredibly frustrating. I know how to create comps. But I am consistently unable to deal with what seems like a permanent Fortune/Slayer/Dragon meta especially with a permanent focus on snapping up recurved bows at such high priority that they're more important to grab than spatulas specifically because of how literally every slayer and most dragon units benefit so much from rfc.

Why don't I just run a comp not involving that?

I have--I keep losing.
I take the fortune/slayer/dragon units specifically to try and spite those spamming and abusing this meta. But I am running literally whatever comp I can try to get.

​It's not working.

​And I am still trying.

I'm feeling like I'm unable to do anything effectively.
And that whenever I am seen, it is negatively so.
I just feel like...I'm invisible, except for when it is something that is not good to be visible for.
That all of my mistakes, flaws, and such are what are seen, and all of the good things I do are unseen.

I just.

​Feel like I am nothing. Nothing good. Nothing that is anything.

I'm not creating.
I'm not doing anything.
I'm just.

In a rut, a bad place of crippling, debilitating depression.

I'm feeling worthless.

Objectively I know my feelings aren't entirely true.
I see people who say they think I am very funny, that say they greatly enjoy my presence, who engage with me, interact with me, heck, in some cases even call me friend.
​But my inner demons just can't let go of the fact that I feel.

Like that the good people see is not as much as they say.
Like that everything I do is nothing that leaves a notable mark.
I feel off my game.
I feel like I'm not doing anything good.

The things that make me feel good and happy make me feel good and happy while I am doing them--but the second I stop doing them (mostly because they aren't things which I can do indefinitely; streams have a finite duration so I can't stay in them forever obv, and places only have so much content for me to digest before I run out of things to do and say), it all starts to crumble down.

And the good memories get buried under piles of bad thoughts.

Why am I so pathetic?

I know people say that I am loved, I am appreciated, I am valid, I exist, that I matter.

Why can't I feel like any of that is true?
Why do those words, spoken sincerely, ring hollow and empty when it comes to me?
They make me smile when I see them and read them.

But why, when I remember them after the fact, do I not get that serotonin boost and instead just spiral deeper and deeper into a negative mindset fueled by depression?

I'm not quite in "No thoughts, head empty" meme territory, but it's pretty apt. The positive thoughts fade from existence, rapidly drained. They pop into my mind and I struggle to keep them there, to force them forward, but they slowly melt away, they slowly slip through my fingers, drifting away. In their place is just flashes of all the things that I want, but don't have, and all of the things I try to do, but the negative consequences of those efforts.

When the good you try to do ends up not actually being good to have been done.
And you struggle to do actual good.

It starts to just...leave you.
Broken.

I feel bitter, even though I know​ I shouldn't. (Heck, I've been told by tarot cards two or three times in a row to let go of my anger. I know I should. The universe keeps telling me I should let got of the resentment, let go of the hate. I'm trying to. But I'm failing because despite all my best efforts to take the advice given to me, it's still there and nothing I do is actually getting rid of it.)

​And beyond the bitterness is just...the void. Emptiness. Loneliness. Nothingness.

Because that's all I see.

All I see around me is blackness. A dark pit. Surrounding my aura, surrounding me in all directions. Just. Empty nothingness. Blank space. I exist without a thing around me. I don't have a connection. I don't have anything. I see nothing. Just. Me. It's literally the "just Monika" meme, except just me in that void with even less scenery and far less diabolical nastiness behind it. Just me. Empty. Alone.

I wish I had some positivity to turn this blog around right now.

But I truly have none.

​I'm not okay.

I don't know why I'm just...super mega tired for no good reason.

Don't know why. :/

I was exhausted last night, then didn't get sleep due to Easter being today.
So predictably, am exhausted tonight, dead tired way earlier. Thankfully the holiday serves as a good excuse to not be doing anything today, so hopefully by tomorrow, I will be in better shape.

So will be going to bed fairly early here.
Good, considering tomorrow's Easter.
Ugh, honestly...not exactly looking forward to it.

Tonight a talk of The Sea People during family night reinvigorated a spark in me to want to play modded Civilization III. (In this case, specifically yet another revisit to the Rise of Rome campaign, featuring some basic modifications to it, mostly in adding an eighth luxury, upping gold/silver to strategic resources, maybe introducing Stone and approximating locations from it from combining Stone locations from Middle Ages and Mesopotamia, adding in/modifying the existing wonders to include some of my personal favorite features, and a minor rebalance to unit values without completely breaking the game balance, plus making the barbarian nations playable.)

I also realized that time-wise this was the chance to get the last holiday-specific item I was lacking in Epic Battle Fantasy 5, reinvigorating my urge to play it.

And I was reminded of my ongoing castle project in minecraft.

And I've been logging hours every day in Stardew Valley.

And as I am typing this I remembered that by now, the TFT weekly quests should be released.

...I am not going to be productive any time soon, to say the least.

You can get the Kongregate gold kongpanion of the week (even tho you have it already) today if you're not a dumdum and forget to play the game today. You'll get it anyway due to having five games, but you can get it done once you wake up; you could do it right now if not too tired, since you verified it was not a flash game and thus that the badge of the day you didn't already have is earnable. Go do it tomorrow dummy and don't be a dummy and forget.

​-Me to future me, tomorrow. Because yeah, it late, me bed now.

Sadly, the word is 'almost' rather than actually.
In the shower, I began to write a song about my feelings as a closeted transwoman.

Unfortunately, brilliant as the shower-thoughts were, I couldn't close it out into a coherent song, I was struggling to finish it and soon after leaving the shower, I lost it.

I learned that today was the international transgender visibility day so had I managed to write it, it would've been perfectly timed for today.

But unfortunately, I couldn't make it manifest.

​Ah well.

Yeah I did nothing today.
I did watch my favorite streamer do a one day complete runthrough of a rather wholesome (or rather, HOLEsome, harhar) game that had a fair amount of cursed energy, a perfect fit for the community, so it was still a good day, it just wasn't a productive one.