Hard to explain me as anything but right now.

The constant calling of myself as trash, the complete demotivation...not much else that can be described as other than depression.

Rip me.

I did nothing today and yet I am going to bed due to being tired.

This isn't even a real blog.

I just...didn't do anything today.

​So today is objectively a failure.

Right now, I utterly lack it.
I want to draw, but I lack the inspiration for it--you can force art when lacking inspiration (heck, webcomic artists do so out of necessity), but the quality of the product often suffers as a consequence, and frankly? I honestly don't want to. I wanna make art, but I want to make it when the inspiration is there.

I also want to write, which is easier to force, and has less of an immediate quality drop, and is also a necessity to actually write a novel, and a script for that matter. The problem is...to write, you need focus, and I don't have it. Art doesn't require focus, but you need (well, 'need') inspiration; writing doesn't require inspiration (tho inspiration definitely helps), but you need focus for it.

And right now I am both uninspired and unfocused, unfortunately, so I can't really do either. Well, I can, if I really really really forced it--but I honestly don't want to try that hard of a force. So at least tonight, with as tired as I am, I do acknowledge that I am choosing to do nothing.

Reframing things from "I can't do this" to "What're the obstacles to this?", focus/inspiration, with a side of tiredness and lack of willpower/desire right now are the obstacles. It's possible to overcome them, but tonight at least, I guess I am okay with not attempting that and making the active decision not to.

I'm already kinda regretting it, but it's 5 am already and, yes, I kinda do want earlier sleep, at least an attempt.

I really shouldn't be doing nothing other than tiktok. (Speaking of which, need to fix the audio issues there.)
But at least today, don't have it in me.

​Then again, Saturday is usually my "rest day" anyway, so I guess that's okay. Today, nothing. Tomorrow, I need to be harder on myself.

...But I knew it'd be that way between family night, community night in the community I'm in, and such.
That said.

I spent around 5-6 hours compiling a massive reddit post about Ashe which is, essentially, the sort of post I made about Ashe on my blog last year, only done in a place where people actually will see it.

I should type such thoughts here as well, but given that it's 7 am, at least TODAY, that's not happening; we'll see in the future. (I've like 5-7 times in the last 2 or so months been wanting to blog about League, but never made the blog for whatever reason. I should fix that.)

I'm expecting to get flamed big time for it, called delusional, have people point out I don't understand things, and so on and so forth. It's a League subreddit, of course they're going to do that. That happens to me all of the time in the game; I expect it even out of the game, in a spot dedicated to the champion that I know and love, for people to point out every mistake I make and use it to discredit me, to point out how trash I am, etc. Or even for people to just go 'tl;dr' but in a more vulgar way.

Basically, I'm expecting it to go poorly.

I'll be pleasantly surprised if it's anything else tho!

I'd love to see people genuinely engaging me on that, asking questions about the builds, runes, items, what I think about other combos, etc., from that thread, and I'd be happy to explain in a civilized fashion my thoughts! It could lead to actual breakthroughs with me discovering things I didn't think of before with people shedding light on other angles I hadn't thought of.

​But call me a pessimist; I'm expecting a bunch of hate for it. Still, tho. It felt good to make, so it wasn't a waste of time in my opinion. Just. Wasn't productive, obviously.

Tuesday, at 11:58 pm, we lost power for 31 hours.
And then had it back for 15 minutes.
Then lost it for another hour, pushing it to 32 hours.
And then had it back for 15 minutes.
Then lost it for another 2-3 hours, pushing it to 34-35 hours without power.

Not exactly much I could do especially with our generator dead.

No power, no internet, no nothing.

Was incredibly frustrating.

But hey, I'm back now!

I may not have played League today, but I did just about everything else! Including some minecraft time, but notably. I actually did Phyrra and Cyrus work. I only finished 2/8 of the songs I need to (the opener/closer of season 1), but that's still huge! Writing two songs in one day is a huuuuuuge accomplishment. Smaller than ideal since one was partially written and there's a BOATLOAD of stuff I need to get done for Phyrra and Cyrus, but this was something that did need to be done.

Sooooo.

​Success!

In this case a large part due to my fatass of a father randomly and inexplicably deciding to sleep on the couch...in the room that I do my work in.

Suffice to say: this ticked me off quite considerably.

It put me in a sour mood and I am still not recovered from it.

It's not all bad, I got to chill in minecraft some and make some minor progress there (better security for bees and torching up a section of my wall), and earlier I did get to play a ranked game where according to op.gg I was the MVP! (I actually am getting MVP/Ace or close to in most of my games, but in ranked it is harder to pull off.) My Leona was not fond of me, but it was okay--the Lucian I was up against was even worse than I was, soooooo, no harm no foul. (I even ended the game with an A-, which is a rank I am also getting a lot. I've gotten like 20-40 A- ranks in the last month or two. Never a second S+ tho because Riot's ranks are arbitrary BS.)

Butyeah, a thoroughly unproductive day because I could not let go of my hate--due to the still unexplained actions of my father who basically ruined my plans for the evening.

I was getting all hyped about getting into productive stuff. I got more active on my twitter (speaking of which, said twitter should now appear on the side!), I got into the mindset of, "Don't say I can't to it and give reasons why; instead frame it as obstacles I need to overcome to achieve it", and a whole bunch more.

Then I had to deal with some sort of read-only problem that I'm still not sure is fixed. I can save files, edit files, move files, so I think it's fixed, in spite of the folders still saying they're read-only.

Is legit something that I spent hours upon hours of frustratingly trying to fix to no avail. I may have made things worse in my efforts and screwed up, hopefully not, only time will tell tho.

Butyeah, I'm doing productive things now! Less than I planned due to the colossal waste of time that this was, but I've put in the plans for more work.

I figured I had missed a day or two; I did not realize it was three.

Maybe I should stop being so forgiving of myself. I'm keeping up with my tiktok project, but I'm considering moving the latest-possible-coming-out day back when I don't blog, barring extenuating circumstances.

Anyway: doing everything I need to do in a day is hard.
I've got mafia stuff to attend to daily; I've got streams that I feel obligated to attend (and one stream which I need to watch the vod of); I've gotta brush my teeth; I've got tiktok to do every day now; there's certain twitter and reddit areas I feel the need to browse; I'm working on completing the weekly tft quests; I feel a need to play league once a day at minimum; if my friend offers me a chance to game, it'll instantly become my top priority, too (or close to), due to how much I value that time and how different it is from my normal routine.

And that's before the luxury things. Like playing epic battle fantasy 5, and minecraft, and such.

Still, I'm trying to get better on these.

​And I'm partially succeeding.

Not oops on doing things, my tiktok project is working quite well! But, I did go two days without blogging.

In my defense: the first day I went without blogging, it was impossible to have blogged. The power literally went out with no ability to post.

​But yesterday? Yeah, that was me just forgetting. Whoops!

Ah well.

Anyway, in terms of stuff: I am miserably failing at brushing my teeth.

But what I came to blog about is something I shouldn't elaborate on much but can go into the generics of:
For the last few months (either November or October), I haven't been able to get into my bank account, due to a combination of a merger and technical difficulties.

I've been trying to get in since November.

I've spent a month failing.

First there was Thanksgiving.
Then I got sick.
Then the holidays hit.

But this week, will be trying again.
And probably, failing again.
But, this needs to be done.

It's quite important, and incredibly frustrating.