The good news is, I'm feeling better than I have been.

I think I'm recovering from the severe bipolar week.
And I do mean literally bipolar week. When most people use that term they usually mean it as some form of joke or a descriptor of a rollercoaster week which is ups and downs.

But no, I mean quite literally, bipolar week, in that my bipolar disorder has been out of control. I started the week basically tossing 1k away through various purchases. A good deal was to charity; I can't really be upset. Some was to support a friend. Also not a bad thing. Yet when I was recently in a car crash, dealing with the financial expenses there and I had already spent on an impulse spending spree $400 of clothes...not great to spend more, even for a good cause.

And then the severe depression hit. A pain so severe it was physical. It wasn't thoughts. Thoughts I could counter.
When there's depressive thoughts, I can reason my way out of them.
When there's events going on in life triggering a bad mindset, I can address it.

When it's a feeling of intense overwhelming all-consuming sadness, all I could do was fight to keep my life.

And...I think I'm stabilizing, for both extremes, back to the more healthy middle.

​The bad news is, I'm still out of time. I work tomorrow. I work on the holiday on Monday. I don't have the time to do anything I should be doing.

I've not showered.
I've not brushed my teeth.
I've not changed my clothes.
I've only barely done mafia, torn, kongregate dailies, league/tft stuff, discord, and staying on top of emails.

But so much I need to do, I haven't.

I've a training due before the end of the month--haven't done it.
I've GOT to pursue getting the passport--haven't done it.
I've gotta check on my health insurance--haven't done it.

That's just the list of real life things which have deadlines that I can remember off the top of my head. There's more.

And I'm not really doing any of them.
I ran out of time.

So like.

I'm staying afloat, but if I don't keep in mind the things I haven't done which are important to get done, I'll collapse again.

I survived.

Now I gotta get back into doing things.
Heck, I've been gone from ComicFury for nearly a month now.
And I haven't done any of the writing I've wanted. (I've done some behind-the-scenes stuff, but barely any.)

​There's so much in life I want to live--I just need to live it.

Like...I got a haircut today.
And bought clothes.
And then I came home, so.

...Why is it 9 pm already???

​I don't understand.

I know what happened to it yesterday--I bought a new car to replace Alex, the car I totaled by getting T-boned.

I know what happened to it Sunday--I recovered items from Alex, the car I destroyed by my own actions.

I know I had a meeting with my counselor today--but that was only an hour and a half.

I know I took a shower--but that was only an hour with spare change.

...Okay so those two might make a fair amount.

But like.

It's 7:30.

Work ended at 9:30 am, and it's 10 hours later.

I had a fast commute home, so like.

What happened?

The day is gone.

Today was a half-day, and the time is just, gone gone.

I don't understand.

I needed that time.

​Where did it go?

If not blogging in three weeks wasn't a tipoff, let me make it official.
Physically, mentally, emotionally, I am in shambles right now.

My bipolar disorder's depression has been rearing its ugly head a lot as of late.

My chronic health issues have gotten much much worse as of late.

And then on top of that all, I was in a car crash on Saturday May 13th. And my car got totaled in the process, and I am the one liable for it, and it feels like everything which could go wrong, has.
I'm barely sleeping.
I'm unable to eat much despite knowing I should.
I'm still getting hungry, yet not getting enough food.
I'm not losing weight, though, so that's good, but the fact that I'm not likely means the stress is causing me to keep the weight as fat.
I'm not working out.
It's been weeks since I was on ComicFury.
I'm not staying up to date on discord at all. Literally every server I'm in, I haven't read in days upon days.

I know at one point, I had a thought of, "I've given up on life."

Because these issues build on each other, compounding one another.
My lack of good rest has ruined my freetime.
No free time, no time to get good mental health.
No good mental health, no good physical health.
No good physical health, no good rest.

I just have so much being wrong right now and what I have right is...

...That I'm not failing harder I guess.

I'm sorry I've been so silent.
I'm just...unable to...to exist, pretty much.

​Yet, having no choice but to...is quite the struggle.

Yeah that's just...it, I guess.

I dunno how to make this sound better as a blog.

I was doing good today, but right now I'm just...not really sure what I'm doing. Bit of existentialism.

But, oh well. I'm about to go to bed, so...whatever problems, they'll either disappear tomorrow or I'll have time to ponder them then.​

I've just been struggling to stay afloat.

I've been so so tired, and been struggling so so much to do even close to the bare minimum.

Realistically, I should be cutting back on the things I do, but like...

...everything I do is something I view as necessary, pretty much.

I need to work, so can't cut that out.
I need workouts, so can't cut them out.
I need dental hygiene and body hygiene, can't cut them out.
I need hair care, can't cut that out.
I need skincare, can't cut that out.
I want to blog, can't cut that out.
I need the vibes of places like ComicFury and streams and discord--I could cut them out in theory, but it'd tank my mental/emotional wellbeing. Those places replenish my soul.
​I need the mafia site for all of the things it gives me.

That doesn't leave a lot which I can cut out.

And yet, I can't maintain what I have.
It feels like the issue is physical--that what's dragging me down is a physical issue. So all I can really do is hope that my current pursuits help me get the physical issues be...less of them.

It's not much of a plan, I know.

I'm not sure what to do to be honest.

​Just trying my best to try my best.

So no entry, straight to bed.

I wanted to make a blog where I elaborated, but ran out of time, so I guess you get the basic copy-paste version.

So the more I think about last night, the more terrifying it becomes.
For however brief a period it might have been...I think I died last night.

I was in the middle of dreaming, when abruptly, the 'dream' shifted. Suddenly, it was the middle of the night, and I was outside, staring at a masked figure.
I knew this masked figure brought death. To get any closer, I would die.
I couldn’t move at all. I was frozen in place. I knew I was on some level terrified, but I wasn’t scared, because I couldn’t feel any emotion at all. There was just numbness, numbness to everything. The fear wasn’t emotional or physical, as much as mental. Not because I wasn’t scared physically or emotionally, but rather, because I couldn’t be scared physically or emotionally. There was a disconnect between my mind and what I was perceiving, and my body where such feelings/emotions come from. I was separated from my ability to feel anything.

Unable to move, helpless to do anything while staring at the figure of death, I did the only thing I could: I screamed. Over and over again, I screamed. I was screaming for my sister to come help me. But she couldn’t, because my scream was muted. My scream was out loud, but it was still silent. My scream didn’t reach her. Nobody could hear me, despite them being right there. I was helpless, defenseless, Unable to do anything but continue screaming into the void, despite the terror of knowing nobody could hear me.

Then, suddenly, I awoke. At first, I couldn’t move or process anything. I was standing over my body, rather than being inside of it, so I wasn’t able to feel things immediately.

Once I did?
First thing I noticed: My heart was beating rapidly.
My first instinct was it did so in response to the nightmare.
But then I noticed something:
You know how when you have circulation cut off to a limb, then have it return?
Your limb becomes numb due to the lack of circulation, and the return of circulation creates a tingling sensation throughout the limb.
I had that, except instead of one or two of my limbs, it was ALL of them. Both arms, both legs. In fact, head to toe, there was the exact same sensation: the feeling of circulation having been cut off, and gradually returning to normal.
One or two limbs losing circulation could be body position of having accidentally cut off circulation.
What could cause the entire body to lose circulation?
What could result in the entire body having a loss of blood circulation?
I have an idea, and it is terrifying if true.

In this state, I also became aware of the entity in my room acting unusual.
My room is haunted, and the spirit there is normally pretty cheerful. A bit playful, joyous, and likes to mess around. Just kinda vibes, is chill, but likes to mess with people.

This presence was freaking out.
This, normally playful spirit, a carefree entity who is slightly mischievous but ultimately harmless?
Was freaked out, and obviously panicking.

What could cause a benign spirit who normally just chills and occasionally messes with things, to start freaking out like that?

At the time, I just wanted to get back to sleep, so I tabled processing everything until today.
Now that I have, though, I am terrified.

I’ve had close calls previously, but nothing quite like THIS before. I think that, for however brief of a period, I actually died last night. Clinically/medically, at least.
Obviously, I was revived.
But I still feel like that everything together was not just me having a bad dream, then making stuff up after.
I legit think it was something far more real and horrifying.


I don't really feel like even going through the process of making the above be formatted properly, since I'm late for bed as-is, but suffice to say:
Scary stuff.

I've received various theories.
Could be a heart attack, which doctors can check for. (Need to bring it up.)
Could be sleep paralysis.
I've got a bunch to sort through but I ran out of time today.
Tomorrow's a long work day, and I've got counseling, so that'll limit my free time severely.

But I def need to pursue this, because it's not okay to leave as-is.

I've said it elsewhere but to say it on my blog:

I've gotten bad issues which are hugely chronic.

My family has always had the issue of getting up causing loss of vision/dizziness/etc. when standing up and moving too fast.

In recent times what I have had has gotten worse.

One thing is that during the night, it feels like something which shouldn't be stopping--either my heart or my breathing--is stopping while I am asleep...and my body jolts awake because it needs to in order to resume the normal rhythm. This isn't a consistent thing but happens multiple times per week on average, about twice per week or so I reckon. And, no, it's not my tongue relaxing because I sleep exclusively on my side (I basically sleep in The Recovery Position. No really, the exact position you're trained to roll people into is the position I naturally sleep in and since that position is literally designed to protect the airway...), so it's something automatic shutting off which shouldn't shut off.

Another is occasionally rapid heartbeat even when resting, but especially after having gotten up, where my heartbeat shoots up by 20-40 b/pm.
Another is severe throbbing pain headaches, after having gotten up but lingering even once sitting down. Regardless of hydration/sleep/caffeine intake.
Another is loss of vision after going fully upright--I can be bent over, and just standing up straight can cause this; I can be sitting, and getting up causes this.
And then there's the chronic "I feel like I'm about to pass out", where I literally zone out, basically black out, which has been REALLY bad this week.

I was literally passing out. I've had it four days in a row badly, including today. I literally was falling asleep unwillingly. This has been a huge issue which has been getting worse and worse and it's more and more dangerous. (Because when it hits while I'm driving...)
And then there's the nausea I've been getting recently.
And then there's the severe dizziness/loss of balance/feeling like the world is spinning, after getting up, after activity, etc.

All of these seem to worsen with physical activity.
Some of them get better in certain conditions, but they're never going away. Every day has at least one of the issues, but it's all random. I can't do it on command.

So like...idk what's wrong with me. The doctors have no clue.
Cardiology has no clue.

My doctor did a basic metabolic panel, troponin, tsh, a comprehensive metabolic panel, a hemogram, and an ekg. The hemogram had a few things too low, but that was it. (I didn't get iron tested, but the doctor didn't think that my test results indicated an iron deficiency. Still, to appease my whining, my follow-through test had that added to the list.)
The cardiologist ordered an echocardiogram, and also is mailing a 1-week heart monitor thingamajig to me to wear and get data.

Tests, tests, tests. Followthrough followthrough followthrough. But they have no clue.

It's an issue, it's not going away, it's often getting worse, it's chronic, and I am very frustrated dealing with it. I struggle to function at work, when driving, when trying to game...it's making existence exhausting.

I literally went to bed last night due to blacking out for 20 minutes, so like...what's wrong with me.


All that said.
I've had a decent day today.
I got caught up in discords (although by their nature I can't keep up all day).
I posted on CF.
Didn't post on mafia, but will get to that tomorrow.
I'll need to bring supplies to shower tomorrow, to save water here at home.

Uh, I started art but need to keep doing more.

I've begun using a cream for breast growth, dunno if it will work but who knows, worth a try.
I need to make my coffee for tomorrow.
I need to do my best to stay afloat.

Probably need to schedule followthrough bloodwork, since the last test was at the end of last month, and this month is almost over.

Uh, anything else?

I dunno.

​I'm having A Time, but like--gotta keep doing my best to live.

I literally usually go to bed an hour or two later than right now, yet feel like passing out.

Which, to be honest: good.
Means I should sleep.

But like.

Everything I do takes so much time and energy and I am just...so, so tired.

Objectively I know that's probably what other people call burnout.

But like:
What can I do to stop burnout?

I can't take time off work.
I don't want to stop putting time into discords.
I don't want to stop vibing with friends.
And like--those alone genuinely eat up most of my time/energy.

I have rest days where I don't work, sure. And I don't actually rest on those days but like. With my brain neurology, I legit don't think I can. I can sleep, but I can't REST, because...if I do nothing, my mind starts spinning. If I do something which allows my mind to zone out, it is doing something. I can do one, but not the other, and in order to rest rest, I need to do both which is a genuine impossibility.

So like.

What can I change?

I honestly don't think there is anything.

So for now I just gotta hope that what I do is good enough to survive.

​Will strive for that earlier bed time today tho.