While I performed well, while I performed decently, while my teacher though having finer points of critique was mostly noting praise of what I was doing well and thought that I was doing quite a lot good...I have to say that though I did well and truly earn it, I'm still disappointed in myself.

The reason I am disappointed in myself isn't some depression over feeling like a hack, feeling like I cheated myself, feeling like I didn't deserve it, or any pity story like that. The reason I am disappointed in myself is that during tests, you're supposed to give your 100%--to leave nothing left after all is said and done, to be exhausted because you spent everything during the test. At all stages, putting your all into everything you do.

I did not.

I'm surprised it didn't end up on my commentary/feedback form. My teacher did note that certain parts of my body could use extra conditioning, but what she didn't say is that what I was doing was weak, even though I could tell it was. Constantly, I was going, "Oh, that wasn't 100%. That was, at most, 80% (and it wouldn't surprise me if it was only 60%)".

Constantly, I picked up, in hindsight, after it was too late to fix, the realization that I was holding back.

I told myself I'd increase my output, that I would push to that 100%...but then I would fall straight back into the same thing soon after. The level I performed at would be fine for practice. It's perfect for practice, in fact. Because the level I performed at basically was practice level...yet at a test, you're not supposed to be at practice level; you're supposed to be at test level.

So by the end, while the person testing with me was on the verge of vomiting because they had spent everything...there I was, perfectly fine, unaffected, unfazed, undaunted, just steadfast and strong...but that's not a good thing. That's not a sign of me doing better than them. That's a sign that I did worse than them, and it's incredibly frustrating to know that in a test where you're meant to demonstrate what you can do at your full potential...

...With NO excuse, no reason, to have not done so...

...Without having thought, and when having corrected it via thought only to default back into it.

You're not performing at your peak potential.

It's just...disappointing, because I know I didn't show off the best I can do.

Still.

I did pass, and perform quite well.

Just...not as well as I felt I should​ have performed, especially given no excuse to perform less than that.

Literally, at least in half the phrase's sense--by the end of the run, I was beat red. This...might not be the healthiest thing to be when finishing a run, but I'm not worried about it. You know why I'm not worried about it? Because beat red, I guarantee you, is 100% definitively healthier and better than pale white...the color I am when I am in any actual bad physical state.

Like, on Tuesday, I was pale white when I finished. An example of something just...being terribly wrong with me; all the color drains out of my skin.

But today, instead of the color draining out of my skin, it was all pouring into it. I'm not quite sure if that's really a good thing, but let me tell you: it felt good. I did use the treadmill, which kinda sucks. I didn't have exactly an easy time because my mental battle kept constantly telling me to quit. Treadmills are monotonous, boring, and also deceptive in that they both seem much easier than they actually are, and yet also much harder than they actually are. The latter being the concern, where I thought I was worse off than I actually was.

But while mentally it was exertion to the extreme, physically...well I can't say I didn't break a sweat, because I did, but by the end I actually sped up beyond the mph necessary in part due to that mental battle (I felt that I needed to outpace my desire to give up) but also in part because I knew I could, if I wanted to, run that much faster.

Ended up with the 1.75 miles being done in exactly 15 minutes, a pace which is pretty dead on the money 7 mph. Somewhere in the range of like an 8.5 minute mile. Not the fastest run, but well below the 16:15 cutoff. I feel good. Not as good as I would have if I had been able to do the run outside (I feel like it's possible I could have, but I admit it wasn't assured and that's why I couldn't take the risk), but while outside poses more challenges and is the tradition, it also carries with it things which I don't really care to deal with on such short notice. (Namely: running by myself means pacing is nigh impossible; I was always abysmal at self-pacing and relied on others to have a gauge of my pace. And the one area which knocks the wind out of me is something that I'm not positive I could overcome in this timeframe.)

Given that I was physically fit enough to do the run (albeit indoors on a treadmill).
And given that I still had to earn it, I still had to fight for it even if the fight was mental rather than physical.
​I overall still feel good.

And like an idiot, I'm not letting myself get enough sleep. I do work that day so will be running after a day of work, but in this case I actually think that's a good thing. It'll have a delay, during which I can eat subway. It'll keep my hydrated (something I frequently forget to do when not working), and it'll give me a bit of a warmup in the form of me walking during work.

Obviously, exhaustion after work is never a good thing, but there's a delay to help remove the exhaustion.

Hopefully, all goes well.

The one I failed yesterday. Turns out there's one spot, an area, where even just walking...I have a lot of trouble breathing. The air is robbed from my lungs for whatever reason. We can speculate what it is all we'd like, but it's there, and it's a thing.

I told my teacher about it, saying that I could probably train myself to overcome it, maybe, hopefully, more or less. (I probably didn't sound too convincing. How could I? Knowing the area there's a problem, and knowing that there IS a problem, doesn't mean you know how to fix it, it just means you know there's a problem in an area.)

She offered the alternative of testing on a treadmill.

I feel like that's cheating--but I don't really have much choice other than to accept it, because with me as I am now...this is probably my only shot at it. Frankly. I don't think I will get any physically stronger. I'll be going the other way. Weaker and weaker with time.

I know that I can do it on the treadmill. The test is a nine minute mile pace, scaled up: 1.75 miles in 16:15. Now treadmills work in MPH, but if Google's translation metric works out as accurate (turns out I'm not the only one needing to convert "X minute mile" to MPH or for that matter KPH), then 7 MPH would be more than enough.

Six, while it is supposed to be "running" according to the treadmill, is basically a jog for me.
Seven is a slight run. Slight. But it can be done easily.

The most problematic parts of using a treadmill: the sheer boredom of 15 minutes of monotony, combined with the instability whenever I climb off of one. I can be walking at 2 MPH--WALKING--for FIVE MINUTES, and feel dizzy when stepping down from them.

But while these things are things that are annoying, they're manageable. They can be dealt with.
So I can do it.
I can pass.

Even if the method of passing feels like cheating.

And, yes.
I do know that I could've made the run on the normal course if not for that area taking all my breath out.
When I did the walk, I did it in 26:15. Ten minutes higher than the target time, but I was walking. Walking, at half the speed I'd be running. If you halved that time, you'd get the estimated time of what I should be capable of doing the run in. 

Using the treadmill, then, almost, almost feels unnecessary. Almost. But...I only have the one chance to pass now. One last shot at passing. And I refuse to fail it when I know that I am capable of passing it. Mental fatigue can make me think "I can't do this". But I felt my body.

My legs were fine. When I stopped because I couldn't breathe, they became like lead weights and today they are sore, but in no way shape or form was I unable to use them at the necessary level.
My arms were fine.
The only problem was my lungs, and it was only in the one area.
So I know I can do it especially if bypassing that area via using a treadmill.

I do need to constantly reinforce the facts. Tell myself the math. Tell myself all the pieces of the equation which I know are there. Tell myself "You can do this Bree". Point out all the reasons why I should be able to do it. And then quash the "who am I kidding, I can't do this" doubt which comes up. Push through it, say, "Yes, I absolutely can do it", realize I can make it, that I can pass. That's all I need to do.

And while i admit. That mental state isn't easy to achieve.
I know I can do it.
I will do it.
​I have to.

Everything.
I had all the time in the world.
An endless amount of spare free time.
But.

To be honest.

I'm having a bit of a mental breakdown right now. Hard, hard depression hitting me. This morning, I was cheerful, energetic in spite of being exhausted from not having enough sleep, manic. Full of life even if full of tiredness. And yet, now.

Now I am the opposite. Awake, and yet in spite of being awake. Just...in a bad mindstate. And it just kinda...hit me hard. I don't know why. I mean.

I've wasted today.
This wasn't a day where I can look at it and go, "what happened to the time?".
This is a day where I know exactly what happened to the time; I know I wasted it doing nothing productive. Timewasters. Timekillers. Things that were useless, served no function. Led to nothing. Nothing, chosen instead of something. A hallmark of depression.

But I didn't recognize it as depression until just now when all the negativity, the "god I suck", the "god I'm an idiot", the "I want to curl up into a ball and die" mentality just slammed me.

Like.
I talked to people today.
They'd never suspect I was depressed.
People at work would've thought I was upbeat; I felt upbeat.
My counselor noted how I looked upbeat; I felt upbeat.
People who I talked to would've seen "same ol', same ol'" when it comes to me; rambling and talking and talking, the hallmarks of a better day for me.
And even when I talked to my girlfriend earlier. In our conversations today. I've been normal, even happy.

And yet.
Suddenly.
After the fact.
Before going to bed.
I just got slammed. Slammed, hard, by the self-loathing.
I'm a full week behind most of my duties.
I've slacked off on working out for tkd.
I've been doing nothing that I am supposed to be doing.
And I just.
I'm kinda.
Why am I so bad.
Why am I like this.
I know I should be better than this, that I can be better than this.
And knowing that's probably why me knowing that I'm currently not is hitting me so hard.
I feel like I'm failing at everything.
And I promise that I'll fix it.
That I'll work on it.
And then I don't.

So I'm just.
...Not in a good mindstate right now.

And it sucks that that's the mindstate that I'll be going to bed with.
Yet there's nothing I can do in that time to snap me out of it.
So my one hope.
Is that overnight.
Those feelings, instead of worsening, get purged.

​I feel like a failure.

For a start, I thought of a really freakin' cool story idea which is ready to blog about, but which I should probably be more lucid to attempt to blog about. I did well in TFT today, both gaining points in ranked and also winning a match in unranked. I even performed adequately in League itself! I had to be carried pretty much, but I still managed to hold my own well enough in the games I won. Wasn't the best on my team, but helped contribute to the win both times.

My one regret for today: the day is over. Like, I did a nice workout this morning; I didn't have a hard time at work; I thought of a good story idea while at work; I had fun playing games once home from work; literally the only bummer about the day is that the day is at its end.

I've been up for 19.5 hours, and even though it's only just past midnight (12:30), I'm dead tired. I want to stay up longer. I want the day not to end. I want it continue. I want to still do stuff. But I'm just...out of energy, both physical and mental. And for most tasks, emotional. Doing the stuff I did was great, but it was also draining and I don't think I can handle any more of it for a while.

​So I guess it's to bed with me.

Not just any birthday, mind you. The last official "you are now an adult" birthday by legal standards. Everyone knows about the eighteen-year mark; everyone knows about the 21-year mark; some regions have other age marks for adulthood but those two are the famous ones.

Yet what they don't tell you is that there's a third: the age where you can no longer be covered by your parents (on insurance, etc.). I'm not quite sure that's as universal (the age might differ in different countries and some countries might lack that restriction altogether), but here in the good ol' US of A, that age is 26. My age as of today.

So by the last standard in existence legally, I'm technically an adult. Sure don't feel like one tho.

Anyway, I have no clue when this is scheduled for, but APPARENTLY, to celebrate my birthday, the plan's to go to an arcade sometime vaguely soonish. My main hesitation is, I don't know if I'm expected to pay for my playing. If so, I don't want to spend my own money and it seems like a bit of a waste for me to go and do nothing but watch. But if someone else fields my bill--or rather, coins--heck yes I'll try it out. If not, well...I'm a cheapskate scrooge who hordes money.

I may or may not have more to talk about later, or maybe I expand on the above. Right now, I'm writing this up to be typed later, because I'm at work. There's an hour's gap between when I finish my TKD workout and when I start work, a gap I normally fill with browsing the internet (well, kinda; browsing one site specifically) on my phone.

There's just one problem:
My phone charger died/quit working. It was working two days ago on Sunday, but quit some time between then and now. Natural consequence of this?
Obviously...with my phone on for two days when it's a years-old phone that gets close to death within 24 hours of being uncharged...the phone itself died. It'll be fine once I get it recharged for a few hours, going from 0% batter to 100% battery, but that'll require a new phone charger, one that I currently obviously lack as the current one failing me caught me off-guard. (I suspected it'd eventually need replacing because of the exposed wires. I didn't suspect it'd need it so soon.)

That having been said...while I'm writing this blog out of boredom, I don't have any real topic to discuss (also, because I'm writing larger letters today, I'm running out of room on the paper). The story I want to blog about has its notes at home and I've nothing new to add to said notes. A new story isn't ready for a blog just yet; I'm still fleshing out the concept (short version: villain protagonist in a superhero setting, and trying to write a villain protagonist who ISN'T a Well-Intentioned Extremist, isn't secretly good, is just an actual villain but not motivated by typical villain ambitions of greed, revenge, or power, with the power set to allow for them to get away with it while not being story-breaking).

​So I just don't have access to anything right now.

AAAAHHH IT'S 1 AM AND I GET UP AT 5 AM TO DO TAE KWON DO AND THEN WORK AFTER THAT AND THEN PROBABLY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION STUFF ONCE HOME FROM THAT (yes, July 23rd is my birthday but I'll probably blog about that more tomorrow) AND I SHOULDN'T BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW WHY AM I AWAKE RIGHT NOW.

I've got like almost two dozen videos that I want to watch.
I've not been playing many League games even though I have quests that'll expire soon and I want to complete them.
I've not been playing ranked TFT games as much as I want.
I've not been blogging with the blog entries on the stories I want to blog about.
And I have dozens of obligations beyond that.

I'm not going to be able to go to tae kwon do tomorrow from a combination of having basically-a-blister (it looks like a blister but was not a blister; I went onto the guard stand with a perfectly healthy foot and then by half-way through the rotation I looked at my foot and suddenly there was torn skin on my heel, so what probably happened is that I scraped it hard against the wooden chair) on a day where we were supposed to run (running and blisters, bad mix) plus me just generally not feeling well.

Which means in an area I am already incompetent in (physical fitness), I'll be falling even more behind because I can't do what I need to do to stay in shape.

There's just.

​So much I'm not doing, that I need to do.

I'll be trying again tomorrow, with pretty much the same thing.

Tae Kwon Do, into work.

I'm feeling better today, and think that whatever the problem was, it was something that won't be there tomorrow. But it's hard to say for sure. I'll be going in under the same conditions; 5 hours of sleep and getting up way too early.

If the problem was sickness that I no longer have, I'll be fine; if the problem was sickness that isn't showing today because I had a rest day today, well tomorrow will suck too unless it's gone by tomorrow; if the problem was something like food poisoning then I'll be fine; if the problem is just that there's something fundamentally wrong with me that causes me to feel really really sick and vomit after light exercise (no seriously the exercise I was doing as part of tae kwon do was something which I should be able to do pretty much in my sleep, it's so easy; I do worse than what we did then often enough)...well then.

Guess I'm really screwed then.

So tomorrow will help me narrow things down quite a bit. If I am fine, then the problem was sickness I no longer have or food poisoning but either way it was a one-time thing that means nothing's to be concerned about.

If I'm not fine tomorrow, then the problem's either sickness I still have or something is just fundamentally wrong with me and neither option is a particularly pleasant thought to face. (It's never a good thing when the better of the two options is "I am really really sick".)

Anyway, I'm typing this just before heading to bed, so.
​Gotta sleep now!