The reason I am disappointed in myself isn't some depression over feeling like a hack, feeling like I cheated myself, feeling like I didn't deserve it, or any pity story like that. The reason I am disappointed in myself is that during tests, you're supposed to give your 100%--to leave nothing left after all is said and done, to be exhausted because you spent everything during the test. At all stages, putting your all into everything you do.
I did not.
I'm surprised it didn't end up on my commentary/feedback form. My teacher did note that certain parts of my body could use extra conditioning, but what she didn't say is that what I was doing was weak, even though I could tell it was. Constantly, I was going, "Oh, that wasn't 100%. That was, at most, 80% (and it wouldn't surprise me if it was only 60%)".
Constantly, I picked up, in hindsight, after it was too late to fix, the realization that I was holding back.
I told myself I'd increase my output, that I would push to that 100%...but then I would fall straight back into the same thing soon after. The level I performed at would be fine for practice. It's perfect for practice, in fact. Because the level I performed at basically was practice level...yet at a test, you're not supposed to be at practice level; you're supposed to be at test level.
So by the end, while the person testing with me was on the verge of vomiting because they had spent everything...there I was, perfectly fine, unaffected, unfazed, undaunted, just steadfast and strong...but that's not a good thing. That's not a sign of me doing better than them. That's a sign that I did worse than them, and it's incredibly frustrating to know that in a test where you're meant to demonstrate what you can do at your full potential...
...With NO excuse, no reason, to have not done so...
...Without having thought, and when having corrected it via thought only to default back into it.
You're not performing at your peak potential.
It's just...disappointing, because I know I didn't show off the best I can do.
I did pass, and perform quite well.
Just...not as well as I felt I should have performed, especially given no excuse to perform less than that.