Everything.
I had all the time in the world.
An endless amount of spare free time.
But.

To be honest.

I'm having a bit of a mental breakdown right now. Hard, hard depression hitting me. This morning, I was cheerful, energetic in spite of being exhausted from not having enough sleep, manic. Full of life even if full of tiredness. And yet, now.

Now I am the opposite. Awake, and yet in spite of being awake. Just...in a bad mindstate. And it just kinda...hit me hard. I don't know why. I mean.

I've wasted today.
This wasn't a day where I can look at it and go, "what happened to the time?".
This is a day where I know exactly what happened to the time; I know I wasted it doing nothing productive. Timewasters. Timekillers. Things that were useless, served no function. Led to nothing. Nothing, chosen instead of something. A hallmark of depression.

But I didn't recognize it as depression until just now when all the negativity, the "god I suck", the "god I'm an idiot", the "I want to curl up into a ball and die" mentality just slammed me.

Like.
I talked to people today.
They'd never suspect I was depressed.
People at work would've thought I was upbeat; I felt upbeat.
My counselor noted how I looked upbeat; I felt upbeat.
People who I talked to would've seen "same ol', same ol'" when it comes to me; rambling and talking and talking, the hallmarks of a better day for me.
And even when I talked to my girlfriend earlier. In our conversations today. I've been normal, even happy.

And yet.
Suddenly.
After the fact.
Before going to bed.
I just got slammed. Slammed, hard, by the self-loathing.
I'm a full week behind most of my duties.
I've slacked off on working out for tkd.
I've been doing nothing that I am supposed to be doing.
And I just.
I'm kinda.
Why am I so bad.
Why am I like this.
I know I should be better than this, that I can be better than this.
And knowing that's probably why me knowing that I'm currently not is hitting me so hard.
I feel like I'm failing at everything.
And I promise that I'll fix it.
That I'll work on it.
And then I don't.

So I'm just.
...Not in a good mindstate right now.

And it sucks that that's the mindstate that I'll be going to bed with.
Yet there's nothing I can do in that time to snap me out of it.
So my one hope.
Is that overnight.
Those feelings, instead of worsening, get purged.

​I feel like a failure.

For a start, I thought of a really freakin' cool story idea which is ready to blog about, but which I should probably be more lucid to attempt to blog about. I did well in TFT today, both gaining points in ranked and also winning a match in unranked. I even performed adequately in League itself! I had to be carried pretty much, but I still managed to hold my own well enough in the games I won. Wasn't the best on my team, but helped contribute to the win both times.

My one regret for today: the day is over. Like, I did a nice workout this morning; I didn't have a hard time at work; I thought of a good story idea while at work; I had fun playing games once home from work; literally the only bummer about the day is that the day is at its end.

I've been up for 19.5 hours, and even though it's only just past midnight (12:30), I'm dead tired. I want to stay up longer. I want the day not to end. I want it continue. I want to still do stuff. But I'm just...out of energy, both physical and mental. And for most tasks, emotional. Doing the stuff I did was great, but it was also draining and I don't think I can handle any more of it for a while.

​So I guess it's to bed with me.

Not just any birthday, mind you. The last official "you are now an adult" birthday by legal standards. Everyone knows about the eighteen-year mark; everyone knows about the 21-year mark; some regions have other age marks for adulthood but those two are the famous ones.

Yet what they don't tell you is that there's a third: the age where you can no longer be covered by your parents (on insurance, etc.). I'm not quite sure that's as universal (the age might differ in different countries and some countries might lack that restriction altogether), but here in the good ol' US of A, that age is 26. My age as of today.

So by the last standard in existence legally, I'm technically an adult. Sure don't feel like one tho.

Anyway, I have no clue when this is scheduled for, but APPARENTLY, to celebrate my birthday, the plan's to go to an arcade sometime vaguely soonish. My main hesitation is, I don't know if I'm expected to pay for my playing. If so, I don't want to spend my own money and it seems like a bit of a waste for me to go and do nothing but watch. But if someone else fields my bill--or rather, coins--heck yes I'll try it out. If not, well...I'm a cheapskate scrooge who hordes money.

I may or may not have more to talk about later, or maybe I expand on the above. Right now, I'm writing this up to be typed later, because I'm at work. There's an hour's gap between when I finish my TKD workout and when I start work, a gap I normally fill with browsing the internet (well, kinda; browsing one site specifically) on my phone.

There's just one problem:
My phone charger died/quit working. It was working two days ago on Sunday, but quit some time between then and now. Natural consequence of this?
Obviously...with my phone on for two days when it's a years-old phone that gets close to death within 24 hours of being uncharged...the phone itself died. It'll be fine once I get it recharged for a few hours, going from 0% batter to 100% battery, but that'll require a new phone charger, one that I currently obviously lack as the current one failing me caught me off-guard. (I suspected it'd eventually need replacing because of the exposed wires. I didn't suspect it'd need it so soon.)

That having been said...while I'm writing this blog out of boredom, I don't have any real topic to discuss (also, because I'm writing larger letters today, I'm running out of room on the paper). The story I want to blog about has its notes at home and I've nothing new to add to said notes. A new story isn't ready for a blog just yet; I'm still fleshing out the concept (short version: villain protagonist in a superhero setting, and trying to write a villain protagonist who ISN'T a Well-Intentioned Extremist, isn't secretly good, is just an actual villain but not motivated by typical villain ambitions of greed, revenge, or power, with the power set to allow for them to get away with it while not being story-breaking).

​So I just don't have access to anything right now.

AAAAHHH IT'S 1 AM AND I GET UP AT 5 AM TO DO TAE KWON DO AND THEN WORK AFTER THAT AND THEN PROBABLY BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION STUFF ONCE HOME FROM THAT (yes, July 23rd is my birthday but I'll probably blog about that more tomorrow) AND I SHOULDN'T BE AWAKE RIGHT NOW WHY AM I AWAKE RIGHT NOW.

I've got like almost two dozen videos that I want to watch.
I've not been playing many League games even though I have quests that'll expire soon and I want to complete them.
I've not been playing ranked TFT games as much as I want.
I've not been blogging with the blog entries on the stories I want to blog about.
And I have dozens of obligations beyond that.

I'm not going to be able to go to tae kwon do tomorrow from a combination of having basically-a-blister (it looks like a blister but was not a blister; I went onto the guard stand with a perfectly healthy foot and then by half-way through the rotation I looked at my foot and suddenly there was torn skin on my heel, so what probably happened is that I scraped it hard against the wooden chair) on a day where we were supposed to run (running and blisters, bad mix) plus me just generally not feeling well.

Which means in an area I am already incompetent in (physical fitness), I'll be falling even more behind because I can't do what I need to do to stay in shape.

There's just.

​So much I'm not doing, that I need to do.

I'll be trying again tomorrow, with pretty much the same thing.

Tae Kwon Do, into work.

I'm feeling better today, and think that whatever the problem was, it was something that won't be there tomorrow. But it's hard to say for sure. I'll be going in under the same conditions; 5 hours of sleep and getting up way too early.

If the problem was sickness that I no longer have, I'll be fine; if the problem was sickness that isn't showing today because I had a rest day today, well tomorrow will suck too unless it's gone by tomorrow; if the problem was something like food poisoning then I'll be fine; if the problem is just that there's something fundamentally wrong with me that causes me to feel really really sick and vomit after light exercise (no seriously the exercise I was doing as part of tae kwon do was something which I should be able to do pretty much in my sleep, it's so easy; I do worse than what we did then often enough)...well then.

Guess I'm really screwed then.

So tomorrow will help me narrow things down quite a bit. If I am fine, then the problem was sickness I no longer have or food poisoning but either way it was a one-time thing that means nothing's to be concerned about.

If I'm not fine tomorrow, then the problem's either sickness I still have or something is just fundamentally wrong with me and neither option is a particularly pleasant thought to face. (It's never a good thing when the better of the two options is "I am really really sick".)

Anyway, I'm typing this just before heading to bed, so.
​Gotta sleep now!

I was right that today was gonna suck.

I was wrong about the reason.

I woke up today feeling really sick. I ignored it, because I always feel a little bit sick in the morning, so what's a little more sickness than I usually feel? It usually goes away anyway, and even though this sickness persisted, I thought it would just go away once I hit an hour I normally wake at.

I went to the Y for my tae kwon do workout, and the sickness briefly felt gone...but then it got worse. Much, much worse.

And ultimately?

I vomited.

Only once, but that's because there was nothing else for me to vomit up.

I have had brief periods where I thought it was just a momentary sickness. That I was making it up, that it was not as bad as I thought, that I was just having bouts of sickness and was actually just fine. Periods where in that bout I thought that I would be fine, I would recover, I was actually well, and I could go on with my day.

...And then the waves of sickness hit me strongly as a reminder that no. I am not imagining it. I am not exaggerating it. I am not making it up. I am not temporarily sick. I am just flat-out outright sick. Sick to the point where I can't even drink water without the risk of vomiting. No joke, I put a single mouthful of water into my mouth...and then immediately spit it out when my body warned me that if I swallowed it wouldn't stay down.

Reflexively I just knew.

Just...ugh, I'd have preferred the suckiness of working to the suckiness of vomiting-sickness.

Between tae kwon do and then after it work (yes you read that order right), I get up at five and get home at like 3:30 at the earliest, and then have dance after that. (I'm going to miss most of the D1 rift rivals matches. Sadface.)

I'd like to also once more reiterate that teamfight tactics is incredibly addictive and can sometimes consume your life especially in search of that mystical first-place finish. I ended up finally ending on a high note allowing me to do other things, but it took some effort and an incredible amount of luck. 

Basically, you start the game with 100 HP.
While I didn't try to lose, I also didn't try to win...so got a very very solid losing streak going. (Which to be fair, is a valid economic strategy especially with the carousel comeback mechanic where last place gets first pick.) Except once I did start to win...I still was losing. With one lucky carousel pickup which I only barely managed to get, and with the others not valuing spatulas when I knew that was the item I needed to get, and with just the right enough items to begin to get a fed team comp, and just the right rolls...

...At five HP, I started winning again.

And winning.

And winning.

I had 5 HP with 8 people alive, dead last place. I permanently got first pick on the carousel because nobody was lower than me in HP--except my team comp was ridiculously good. Runaan's on Aurelian Sol (not sure how effective that was), Phantom Dancer on Aurelian Sol (mostly an anti-assassin measure; not sure it did any good beyond that), and three items on Nidalee (bloodthirster, rageblade, and that yellow sword item which gives crits) and getting plenty of my units to T2 and a T3 Nidalee gave me a win where I took down players that had over 50 HP and plenty of time to change/perfect their team comp.

To be fair.

A bad RNG and I'd have been screwed. The game, even after all team comps are finalized and there's no minion waves to get items from and there's no carousel to be had for too long. Just from fight to fight. Relies on RNG a lot. You can fight the same person twice with neither of you changing a thing. No upgrades, no swaps, no changed positioning, nothing different at all. And get two different outcomes to the fight.

But fortunately I didn't get a bad RNG matchup and won every match, even though some were down to my last unit. Down to my last unit, where one hit from anything would kill me instantly.

I pulled it off and was like, "Well. Nothing's gonna top that today." And decided I'd better end it on a high note right then and there.

Mind you, I chose that wording carefully because while I'm not as bad as I was yesterday, this is more a reversion to be what I was two days ago--that being, still depressed, just...not as painfully so. I am still down and can feel that I am quite down, I just am not as horrifically down as I was yesterday.

I'm not upbeat, I'm not energetic, I'm still fairly lethargic, I'm down, and I'm just not enthused by most things, but I'm at least at the point of feeling like I can live, whereas yesterday was actually kinda DANGEROUS levels of low.

Soyeah. Not gonna lie. I could be better. I could be much, much better. I would love to be absolutely entirely better than where I am at right now. I even kinda have an inkling of a desire to be inspired, a desire to work on something, a desire to be passionate, so maybe I'm on the rebound.

...But I know I'm not recovered yet, because while there's that small portion of desire, it's not actually focused on anything. If my lack of focus were because of too many things, I'd know I'd be recovered, but my lack of focus here is because there is no thing. No single thing, and no more-than-one thing. Just nothing. 

I have the desire to be inspired, which is good, but nothing actually inspiring me, which is not as good. In actuality, I feel like I can kinda sorta express where I'm at with this, kinda sorta. I feel like what I want to do isn't so much as work on anything, so much as I want to talk about something. On here. On my blog.

I want my blog to basically, were it to actually have readership (which I know it doesn't, stats be damned, because I know there's no way that I'm getting at-lowest 30 readers a day, at-highest 110 readers a day; I'd expect maybe one tenth of those to be real, 3-11 people per day).

If people were actually reading what I was writing. For it to actually be something that was inspiring to them. That was uplifting to them. I need not write uplifting content myself. My blog entry could be entirely a long entry about why my day sucked, but what I kinda want is that if people actually read my blog, for them to actually have some thorough enjoyment, entertainment, enrichment, enlightenment, from it.

You know.

Basically.

It's the same dream I had when I first became a writer which kept me being a writer for all those years that I was a writer.
It's the same dream I have for being a webcomic artist, and for sharing Phyrra and Cyrus with the rest of the world, even after having had the writer within me be basically dead for novelwriting.

It's to have others feel the same way about what I wrote, that I feel about things that I read. You know how I go on about all these things that enriched my life? How Dan Shive was a massive inspiration to me once I read his work. How Grrr Power was a massive inspiration to me once I read the comic (okay admittedly you never got the full blog entry there but you did get a part of it).

How Worm was an incredibly uplifting, inspirational, piece of work in spite of it being incredibly dark, just because it represented how you can do so much and make a work so incredible online using just sheer willpower combined with clever planning basically, determination combined with competent storyboarding, to lay out a guideline to a plot.

And so on and so forth.

That's been going on since I was a kid. When I was young, I saw that Eragon was published by a person when they were a teenager--I knew that the Inheritance Cycle was, objectively speaking, not a too terribly well-written book series filled to the brim with flaws, but the inspiring fact about it wasn't the quality of the books (which I felt were entertaining in spite of being flawed; think basically "like most mainstream films these days" which are absolute junk in so many ways but can still be mindless entertainment that you get creative ideas from).

It was that a teenager managed to write, then successfully sell, the book he wrote. The books sold, and they sold well. That they sold so well, no matter what you think of the quality of the material, means that the author did something right. Same principle applies to the Twilight Saga. I enjoyed reading it, and the books sold well. I objectively know about all of the flaws in the series which have been pointed out to the point of being old, boring news.

Everyone knows the books are objectively junk--but they were still enthralling enough to be an enjoyable read in spite of knowing all the flaws therein, and the books still sold incredibly well. You can say whatever you'd like about the author; you can say whatever you'd like about the quality of the books. But the fact that they sold incredibly well, combined with my subjective experience of enjoying them in spite of knowing that they were flawed. Means that you have to acknowledge that objectively, she did something right.

She was able to sell something that was flawed, and make people buy it in spite of its flaws, and even enjoy it knowing all of what is flawed within. For all the flaws of the writing you can find, the fact that it had that effect, again, means that there was something being done right.

And that's the effect which has always been inspiring to me as a writer. Knowing that in spite of the flaws of the writing, it is still possible to make a product that people genuinely enjoy, and can derive entertainment from. More than that! That they can be enriched in their lives from having read a work in spite of the flaws of that work. That they can be inspired, that they can be uplifted, to the point where they dream big and can maybe do something that they otherwise wouldn't.

In other words.

My dream of dreams is basically. To be able to have it so that I do for others, what others have done for me, throughout my life. Picked me up, made me stronger, made me more enriched, made me more inspired, made me the dreamer that I am. I want to make other people dream. I want to make others be picked up by what I do.

And right now the only way I have of doing that is through the one thing that I've never consistently failed at for the longest time of anything I've worked on. Which is my blog. Yes, I occasionally for whatever reason miss an entry in spite of the aim to be a daily blog. But the simple fact of the matter is. By and large. For four and a half years.

I've kept this going.

Do you know what else I've kept going for four and a half years?

Pretty much nothing.
Nothing that's me, at least.
Sure, job; tae kwon do; dancing; counseling. Stuff like that, been doing longer than four and a half years. But it doesn't really count as being me. Those things are a part of me, but they aren't a part of my expression of me.

Every dance I try to write, I don't finish.
Every time I take up songwriting I never go anywhere with it.
Every time I try to compose music, I keep it in my head and do nothing with it.
Every time I write a story, I never end up following through with it and publishing it.
Every time I start a webcomic, I end up abandoning it, even after having taken precautions against abandoning it.
Every time I work on a project, I end up abandoning it, even after knowing about my bipolar disorder and taking steps to counteract it.

I have listened to uplifting speech after uplifting speech. People who succeed say the same cliched lines about why they succeeded, not because it's a cliche, but because the cliche is cliche because it is true to reality and they all say the same thing because the same thing held true for each of them. I forget the exact words, but something along the lines of willpower being temporary, of how the drive to work is temporary, but you need to keep doing it, keep efforting at it, even when you don't feel like it, force your way through it, keep at it, and if you really want it, you will put in the work necessary to get it done.

More or less, something along those lines at least. And I have tried to implement that advice before--tried...and failed. I have, consistently, failed. In spite of knowing about the autistic concept of inertia. I know that once I get rolling I can keep things rolling but that when they screech to a halt they stay stopped with a near-impossibility to get started again. I take measures to prevent the stop, and even if the stop happens, I tell myself that I have the strength of will to push the stopped train, inch by inch, until it's moving again.

...But I never actually do and all the planning in the world falls apart because I, frankly, just suck. I dream. I dream the dream, I never bring the dream to reality. For all of those things. For all of those ideas. They all fail. I've gone into this before, about how while I dream of succeeding, I'm actually happier in my failures, and hypothesize that's why so many people who don't make it big can still be happy and why quite a number of people who do make it big are often not-so-happy in spite of having made it big.

Who knows, maybe that is true. I honestly don't know anymore. I am a contradictory being. Old enough where I'm expected to more or less be solidifying myself, young enough where I can't actually do so and am constantly, consistently, second-guessing every single thing about everything. All my beliefs, all my thoughts on myself, how I view things, everything, I doubt it all and I constantly revise everything including my outlook on life.

But I'm going on a bit of a tangent, there. My point is...I generally am just. A failure in general. Yet this blog is pretty much the one thing which I don't think I have failed at.

I've had plenty of blog entries where I didn't succeed.

I like to pour my heart and soul out every single entry, so when I am forced to blog-dodge for whatever reason. Forced to make an empty, substanceless entry. Forced to make nothing. Or whenever I forget to make an entry. When anything like that happens. Obviously, it's not a success.

But by and large. Four and a half years. Four and a half years, I've been doing this blog. And by and large it actually has succeeded. It hasn't succeeded as often as I'd like. It certainly hasn't succeeded in all the ways I'd hope it'd succeed, in part because those hopes are by and large contradictory. I've wanted different things out of my blog at different times, so of course my blog can't be all of them.

But it's still been most of them, most of the time. Even this entry. It started out as any other would, and yet now has been built up to be something actually unique. And there's the charm, I feel, in my blog writing. There's where I derive some hope from.

I want what I write on this blog. No matter the subject. About me. About me talking about my latest passion project. About whatever caught my fancy. About something I read, something I watched. About whatever I have on my mind when I make a blog entry. I want what I write here to be something that readers can get some enjoyment from.

I want as many people as is possible to read my blog, so that as many people as is possible can find something, anything, in my blog, which made it worth the read. I want a blog which is worth the time and effort to read. After all.

It's four and a half years.
And counting.
Of content.
Filled with entries that are this length and longer.
Like, what's my longest entry? I wouldn't even know, but it'd have to be something probably ten times as long as this already-lengthy blog.

I know that even I can't read all four and a half years of my blog.
I can't even really stand to skim too much of it. I just don't have the time/focus to review it all, even though I know that I'd actually be better off if I did review what I wrote/said from time to time so that things that I said that I didn't want to be forgotten, aren't actually forgotten.

And if I.
The girl who wrote the blog in the first place.
If I.
The person who made the entries in the first place.
If I.
The person who can read 800 pages in a single night and then some.
If I.
The person who could read almost all of Worm in the span of weeks, and then finish the rest in the span of days. When that work is over a million words long by some significant amount.

If I can't do it.

Then I doubt anyone else could. And even if they could, I doubt that they would.

Sure, some people like to stay fairly current on my blog; they read it every day, or if not, they binge-read it every few days, every week, every month, you name it. Some people do that, and can do that. That's not too hard to do; keep current on something updating every day.

But starting from the beginning? Yeahhhhhhh nobody can start from the beginning, read every entry, and get caught up, while having read it all well and truly having read it all. It's impossible.

But believe it or not.

I'm actually kinda proud of that.

It's enough content that it's impossible to keep track of it all.

Instantly that means it's worth more than most other things.

I know that my few readers, such as they are, have changed over the years.
I know that they come and they go.
That I legitimately do have a small readership who stay...but who said readers are that stay, tend to change.
But right now the closest I have to inspiration to do something is...well. Just this. My blog.

At this point, I think that the closest thing I'll ever have to a lasting legacy is in fact this blog.
Not any story I'll write; I won't probably ever publish even though that's been a lifelong dream of mine.
Not any webcomic I'll start; I won't probably ever finish any of them no matter my desire.
Not any ambitious project, e.g. a video game, Phyrra and Cyrus; you actually think that I, me, Bree, could actually have the conviction necessary to see it through, by myself? Nooooooooot a chance in hell. Maybe, maybe, MAYBE with the right support network I could see them through, but that would require that support network be perfectly placed and able to push me in that direction actively and consistently and continuously and to keep me from slacking.

Realistically speaking.
This blog is it.
It's all I'll ever actually have as lasting proof.
Because after I'm gone.
You'll have random scattered notes everywhere about random scattered ideas I had. In bad handwriting, with most of the papers having long-since deteriorated due to whatever various poor conditions they were stored in having withered away the penciling/ink to the point where the already-basically-unreadable writing is turned utterly-illegible. 

The ideas die with me.
And because I will probably never actually get those ideas to reality.
They will never be made. They will always just...disappear, when I (hopefully very very very far away) eventually die.
Which, mind you, I know is morbid and is obviously something which isn't something that many people (including myself) like to dwell on, but is a hard fact of life. Much as we like to dream of being immortal and plan on living forever, everyone including myself dies eventually.

Since I don't want to really ponder on it much further, not going to say more on that than that, but what I'm focusing on is how this blog is basically...well. Assuming it isn't taken down at some point. (Which would really really suck and screw you weebly if you ever do that to me.) It's the proof I was alive. It's the proof I was a person. It's the proof I existed. It's the best insight into my personality, my being, my existence, that will remain. It's the record of who I was as a person.

It's not a perfect record, of course. But it's a lasting insight into who I am--and it is something which is there available for everyone to see. It is available to all, which is one of the things which I've always wanted. I've wanted to share myself with the world. I've wanted to share my being with others, open up and just. Tell them about myself. Tell them anything and everything about me.

Basically lay out my life's story, except for the things about my life that I want to keep private to only me or those that I choose to share those things with. (E.g. things that I tell my girlfriend and only my girlfriend are...pretty self-evidently, going to have a level of intimacy to them.)

This blog is who I am. It's not all of who I am, but it is who I am, as is recorded in time, in history. And I know nobody reads it, in spite of my dreams otherwise. But that doesn't stop the dreams from existing. Of this blog. Of my writing here. Being the thing that I get from others all the time.

Of being something that enriches the lives of those who read it. Of being something worthwhile to have read. Of being something that people actually enjoyed experiencing. Of sharing my visions with others, and those visions having inspired those others, in spite of them having been mine.

I guess that typing this out has made me feel even better than I was before, a little. Because that spark is there. Mind you. Beyond continuing to blog every day, not gonna do anything with it. I could, theoretically, have ways to spread my blog to others. When I comment on webcomics that allow you to link to a site, I deliberately avoid linking to any site including this blog, even though I could easily do so without consequence and have said link theoretically lead to potentially more exposure. Same for comments on Worm; I left a few and had that option, but chose not to take it.

I could theoretically explore post options more; there's options for search engine optimization. There are sites which I have profiles on that don't link to my blog even though both ComicFury and the site I play mafia on contain the blog link; on the ones that don't, I could add it in.

By having an increased presence on other sites, with a link to the blog, I would in theory be able to get an increased number of readers. Heck, all of those are free but if I really wanted to, there are paid options to expand what I can do using weebly's software (paid options which can go to hell as far as I'm concerned; I'm never paying so much as a cent to weebly and if they try to force me to, they can kiss my presence goodbye; I'd find somewhere else to blog).

That I can list these options but am not going to do them tells you what I mean--I could do more with my blog to increase its exposure, and with luck, increase the odds of my dream coming true, of me succeeding in having it be what I dream of dreams it being, of it being uplifting, inspiring, and so on and so forth.

But beyond making entries like this.

I won't actually do that.

So the dream will remain just that, a dream.

​But it's a nice one to have, isn't it?

Recently, I've been revisiting my vampiric martial art. I'm not adding anything new to it, mind you, but I'm trying to bring back practicing it so that I don't forget it. As-is, I still have to re-teach myself and re-learn everything I self-taught when I invented it before.

But today, the thought occurred to me: I have an additional challenge--designing a second fictional martial art for the rubyverse, for HUNTERS. Specifically, the challenge is not only in making it a different style...but also, logically, because hunters oppose vampires...their style would, logically, need to serve as a counter to the vampiric martial art style.

Which poses a problem, because I designed the vampiric martial art to be basically impenetrable except by another more skilled practitioner of the vampiric martial art. It's a stance which has a firm grounding, emphasizing a lack of movement, except also having an emphasis on being incredibly flowey. Smooth, sharp, crisp, fast, deliberate, efficient, methodical, movements. Every step, every motion, every attack, every defense, using the least amount of effort but executed with the utmost speed and strength backing it.

A style high on redirection and control, but also having incredible strength backing its blows. That's more or less what I designed for the vampiric martial art--so what the hell could I develop as a martial art designed to counter it? It's posing a bit of a challenge to me, but my best guess is that it'd be a martial art style that would necessitate constant motion.

The vampiric martial art is, by and large, stationary; it can move, when needed, but is also fairly linear in said movements, because they are efficient and designed to counter opponents from the front, more or less. So the style countering it would, by necessity, focus on weak points; find a way to strike the vampire in areas the vampire doesn't have covered by their defense.

The basic fighting pose I'm thinking would be maximum utility for the hunter martial art would then be a modified version of the tae kwon do fighting stance I already use, just with extra spring to the feet and also keeping the arms low rather than up in the guard (which is, mind you, where the arms are in a different style of tae kwon do). This focus on a springy step would help maximize mobility, in helping the hunter out-maneuver the vampire.

Vampires would be stronger and even potentially faster than the human hunter, not to mention tons more durable; the hunter would need to focus on evasion above all else, and then find a way to create an opening, find an angle of attack that would work. Targeting the vampire's back is a really good one, but also striking the back of the leg or on joints like the elbow and shoulder.

Vampires might be more durable than humans, but they're not more flexible than humans. So a hunter would focus on maximizing that flexibility and taking advantage of a lack of it in the vampire; a vampire's just as vulnerable to a dislocated shoulder, broken elbow, etc. as any human would be, so strike them in areas that deal lasting damage, and you can defeat them.

There'd also be a thematic 'staking' blow, where they strike the heart, not to pierce it mind you, but to cause a heart tremor of sorts. A kind of blow that on a human could be lethal (it's a thing people die from), but on a vampire is basically a guaranteed stun if it lands perfectly. (Mind you, a stake through the heart's just as lethal to a vampire as it is a human, but this is, again, not a literal stake; it's a martial art move aimed at the heart.)

Unfortunately, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to develop the idea of the hunter martial art style further than that.
For me to first develop the hunter martial art, I need to have a complete, total, absolute mastery of the vampiric martial art first. And then, only then, can I maybe manage it--by more or less 'shadow fighting' (think shadow boxing, but not for a literal boxing match) it out. A skill I might not be able to actually do.

Still.

I find this a neat thing for me to have so much as started to develop, even if its growth has hit a stone wall.
​Does make me kinda sorta want to track down all of my notes on the vampiric martial art, tho. So that I can maybe once more compile it all together in a single location, to then build up on it continuously rather than start it, forget it, then start it again.