I kinda feel like I'm probably taking on too many things since it feels like I'm always scrambling to get everything done in a day.

To be fair, I'm actually getting most of it done.

I'm playing mafia again.

I'm mostly on top of my games, like Torn and my addiction to Idling to rule the gods.

I'm upping my social media presence.

I'm attending and juggling multiple streams better. 

I'm keeping on top of work stuff.

​I have mostly been on top of daily discords, making sure I'm not falling behind.

Granted, there's stuff that I have fallen behind on. I neglected to write a poem to a family member I promised. I haven't dealt with important bills I very badly need to. I am falling further and further behind on my mirror blog.

And there's stuff I haven't done. I haven't worked on my discord today yet.
I haven't set up the twitch commands I wanted to or gotten the commands set up yet.
I haven't done writing yet.

I do need to stay busy. But I'm not on top of everything, despite my progress.

There's a finite amount of time in a day and I don't want to neglect anything.

I'm getting better about hygiene, but need to be better about meds--I'm taking them daily, but not at the time recommended and much later than I should.

​So like. Life stuff. I'm progressing. Got a lot on my mind, but gonna keep going.

I keep losing time, although I don't really know what to.

I've mostly no work this month, so in theory, I have nearly unlimited free time. However, in practice, time keeps on slipping away from me.

I've been doing decently on everything, but not really great.

I got back into playing mafia, but I feel lackluster.

I am largely doing mafia obligations, yet I feel I could do more.

I am doing better at attending streams, but still not doing great.

I am doing better at being on top of discords, but still have work to do.

Me and my fiance are still not doing a lot of life stuff we should, and it's mostly my fault. I enable some bad spending habits, and we don't really have the funds for it. We're losing money over time because we're spending too much and not making enough, yet I've not changed our habits significantly.

We need to clean more and cook at home more, yet I'm not pulling my weight.

I need to brush my teeth, and I haven't been.

I need to be streaming more regularly, but I'm not.

On the bright side, I did hit affiliate--so I'm putting in the work to make my streams work. I'm in the laborious process of setting discord up the way I want it to be (it's a big process), which is a lot of effort, but I'm going through it slowly and steadily. I got three emotes uploaded, although one needs to be redone completely with a proper art program because I botched it. (The other two were memes and I've already redone them.) I made channel points rewards.

I'm not showing people the fruits of my labor yet, but when it's up and running, it's going to be great. I still need to figure out sound alerts and install the ones I want, but I'm getting there gradually.

I've had plurality breakthroughs, and understand how my system works.

I want to do a proper write-up later but for now a copypaste will have to do.

We know what our headspace looks like now.

We have The City, a central Hub that connects all the various worlds and biomes to each other. It’s an amalgamation of every city we saw as a child (namely Seattle, Bellevue, and Everett, with other PNW cities mixed in plus Detroit), combined with numerous fictional Depictions of cities.

The City connects to biomes such as The Endless Forest, The Hills, The Mountains, The Farm, The School(including The Playground), The Desert, and The PNW, among many others.

It also connects to every world we have ever invented.

In the middle of The City, there’s The Tower, which at the top has The Chatroom. This tower is a spiral tower at the bottom which transitions to a scifi tower reminiscent of Stargate Atlantis's Atlantis main tower, in that it is vaguely shaped like a squareish gigantic radio antennae.

The Chatroom is our fronting room. It acts like an oldschool online chat room. Nobody is ever truly there, but they can project an avatar of themselves there, where they can meet and chat, regardless of their current location or time.

From here, people can "front", but because they aren’t really there, they never assume full control of the body.

The body, from here, channeling all of its residents, can create an avatar of itself. This avatar can be either a visible third person, able to actively interact, or an invisible first person, passively observing.

That avatar of the body, created from The Chatroom, can do things like walk on air, viewing our headspace. It can talk to anyone in any location, regardless of time or space, so someone who is in The Chatroom and effectively fronting can talk to themselves in a different time by viewing the viewpoint of the avatar of our body.

I need to get back into blogging regularly and I need to get the mirror blog back up to date.

Today I went and added extra socials. Bluesky, Mammoth?, and Threads, as well as Instagram. I also did ko-fi.

I need to link all of my content again and start building my brand, so to speak. I'm putting in a lot of the legwork and getting a lot done, but I still have a long ways to go. I feel like I am wasting my time somehow still, because I am flying through the time each day. It's not nearly as productive as I want to be, but I am still doing the work I need to, albeit slower than I want.

Nothing is going great, but most things are going okay. 

I will be going on a double date on Friday, leading into a Sapphic Valentine's Day dance party. It's something I'm both very nervous about and also very excited. I have a lot to get done, and a lot I'm not doing as much as I should, but I am trying. Life is lifeing. It's a struggle, but I am doing a fairly good job.

I'm not helping people as much as I want to be. I'm still doing good work though, I know it.

I have creativity and ambition and all kinds of passion. I owe it to the world to make it manifest.

And...I'm feeling really really confident in my chances to get affiliate now.

For the longest time, the obstacle to me getting affiliate was average viewers per stream.

Now, I have that. I've twice exceeded the goal, with room to spare.

So now, I just need to keep streaming. And streaming. And streaming. It might risk burning me out, but I have the momentum to begin. I just need to keep going and then I might have it.

I talked a lot about my perspective and goals in life onstream. I don't have it up until youtube, that will happen on Sunday at 3 pm, because I schedule my vods to be uploaded to youtube about 48 hours after I streamed (give or take), but when it's there, you'll see me do a lot of talking about what I basically do on my blog.

And, yes. I know. I'm not doing my blog justice. I'm not doing enough on it. I'm not transferring blogs from here to my mirror. I'm not catching the mirror up. I'm not applying all the proper tags. I'm not doing a lot on the blog I need to be doing--including the explanation blog about my deleted blogs, which I'm approaching being two months late on.

Of course, there's also other stuff. I've gotten back into playing mafia games (although that's not a good thing, given mafia games also are a significant reason I am so messed up as a person; the root of my transformation online from good to less so can be traced to my having played mafia games and the damage they did to my psyche), but I still have judge work and title work to do.

I still need to cancel my flight. I'm out hundreds of dollars for the hotel which can't be cancelled no matter what, but I can still get the refunds from my flights which will still be at least a thousand dollars I save if I can get it back.

I probably have a lot of other life stuff I've neglected which I can't remember, too.

But back to the stream talk.

I just wanted to say.

I often forget this, but the 30s are the NG+ of the 20s, and at thirty years old, I have gained a lifetime of experience which has given me a great deal of perspective on things. My perspective isn't perfect. I still have a long ways to go in improving in a lot of ways. But I've lived through several lifetimes it feels of events that have given me the ability to reflect on events and come away from it having learned to see things in a way I feel can be beneficial to others.

I will always need to balance helping others with helping myself. I can't lose sight of helping others to focus only on myself, nor can I help others if I don't help myself so attempting to devote all of my life to others will burn me out and leave me wasted, a shell unable to do anything good at all.

I am still learning the balance of the two, and don't have it perfect, but I know better than to think myself a monster. Every reading I've gotten for myself, literally every reading, has been something along the lines of, "forgive yourself. Advocate for yourself." And that means I can't keep thinking too negatively of myself. I know I need to prevent myself from repeating my mistakes. I don't want to become arrogant, entitled, self-centered, egotistical, or anything of the sort. I need to care for others and avoid going down a route where I don't.

But I also need to accept I am a good person--it's not being selfish, egotistical, arrogant, or presumptuous to say that. I may not be a good person to some people, sure! And their perspective is valid. Their viewpoint I'm not is valid, and should be respected. But I know that, when all is done and said, I'm not a bad person, no matter what. At least not the current me. I believe my past self was, and thus I will happily join in on any who view my past self as having been a bad person. And that person left me with the lifelong baggage of having to live with their mistakes.

But live I shall, and learn I have. I know those were mistakes, and while I have lifelong regrets and will have remorse, I can use that pain to turn it into something which leaves a positive impact on the world. I have enough life experience to know what pitfalls to avoid. For instance, the situation I was in last year between March and July taught me about the damage of a negative feedback spiral/loop, and how much harm can come from entering that pattern of destruction...as well as how to identify it and offer potential ways to avoid it in the future.

A painful lesson to learn to be sure, because it carried consequences literally months later. But, I did learn it. I know I need to blog about the subject of mindfulness, I have meant to yet haven't. The long and short of it is I spent every day reflecting on events and have learned that empathy to see the other 'sides' and have gained a great deal of it I previously lacked.

I have made mistakes, bad ones, which carry lifelong consequences. Friends I would happily call friends probably want nothing to do with me. The number two and three most important people in my life will never reciprocate that level of relationship with me, with me never being their number two or three or even remotely close. I'll never be their ride-or-die friend again. I would do anything for them and I always will do anything for them, but right now I know the only thing they need from me is space, silence, and time, and because I will give anything to them, if what they want from me is literally nothing then I have to respect that and honor it and give them nothing even when I really want to give them something more. (I'll tell them that when I feel it's appropriate to, but I dunno when it would be. Of course they could learn if they read my blog, but, yaknow, nobody does, so...can put it up here and my telling them even if it's months from now will be the first they hear of it. Whenever it feels right, I will share, but I haven't found a time which does yet.)

I'm rambling and going off-topic, but what I mean by this is, I know my actions have caused great harm, and that pain is valid. People can feel it for as long as they want and are valid to have it. Days, weeks, months, years, a lifetime. We all experience emotions differently, and their feelings, negative ones from me, about me, about my mistakes, are valid, and any actions taken from those emotions are similarly so.

And everyone should do what they believe to be the right thing, always, at all times--if they believe the right thing involves condemning me, cutting me out, whatever. That is a valid decision to make. Maybe it's a decision others thing is wrong, maybe it's a decision they themselves will look back on and thing was wrong in hindsight. I'd know, that was me with my actions last year. I thought it was right at the time and have since realized we weren't. But people should still be trying their best to do the right thing. And if that right thing involves spreading the information about my crimes, that is the right thing for them to do.

And while everyone makes mistakes, they still they their best. And I know it.

So I am in a fairly unique experience. Both as the person who has wronged others, and in the position of being the person who has been "wronged". (I used quotes around it because, no, I have not been wronged. But some people would say otherwise, including potentially future versions of those to have done the 'wronging', and I used 'wronged' because I can't think of a better succinct description.)

I know basically the full run of the mill on perspectives and views. I've had a conservative upbringing. I've had a liberal awakening. I've cancelled people. I've been cancelled. I have seen the harm I have caused. I have seen how much pain I've been in. I have seen the cynicism, the pessimism, the pain, the loathing, the negativity, in others, as well as felt them myself. I know intimately my depression, my anxieties, and all the troubles they bring.

And I am thus well-equipped to give perspective and potentially help combat against them.

So I will used my experiences to basically help others, better than ever before. Bringing them joy and positivity.
Both the laughter of stupid jokes in joy, and the happiness of love and a feeling of belonging in joy, with the positivity of shifting perspective to seeing the better parts of life and knowing the love and adoration they have. Their talents, their skills, and how much of a difference they make.

I need to balance doing that with still preventing burnout. Give myself some me-time, and have some time to myself. But I can provide that service to others. I can give them that level of awe and wonder I myself have gained, that love of life and drive and passion to pursue living life and making the ripples left behind by our presences just that much bigger, more positive, and longer-lasting in impact.

It's a lesson I am still refining. I have a long ways to go on this journey. But I truly feel I am ready to be that reassuring voice of compassion and love, that arbiter, that reminder, that the world is a wonderful place to live in filled with wonderful people. Most people are good, and while all people are flawed, most people are trying their best to be good. Everyone fails at least a little at least once in their lives, often failing continuously because of their imperfections, but most people are good, including the people I am setting out to help.

Some good people have their flaws mean they are not good for each other, and that's okay! It's part of the boundaries of self-care to acknowledge that no matter the potential good in another person, with how they are and how we are it's best to not be together. I know that all too well because I'm sure it applies to me with others and a lot of them likely think the same of me if they think I'm good. And that's okay.

But most people are better than they think they are, and better than people think they are, and while there's always exceptions who are terrible people who make the world worst, most people make the world better by being part of it, and reminding people of that is something I think I can do.

I know I have a lot of work to do--but I do think I'm ready to do it.

I hope this is okay.

I know not everyone will approve. I know plenty will disagree with me in some or even most areas.

But, I have a lot of experience doing the wrong things and I think it's about time I start doing the right things and helping others do it, too.

If that or anything similar is a thought you have, I'll let you in on a secret:
We don't know what to think about ourselves, either.
Are we a monster?
Are we a good person?
Were we a monster that is now a good person?
Are we both?
Are we neither?
We don't know.

In general, it's hard to get a lock on us because we have no lock on ourselves. People tend to see only small parts of us, but even when they see almost everything, we're baffling. Source, we see everything about us and are still clueless. Our mind is constantly changing. Nothing stays the same about us. Our values, our principles, our philosophies, our feelings, our interests, we're constantly someone different, and yet, still feel like the same to an external view.

We don't seem like a different person, yet we do seem like a different person, all at the same time. So, what's real?

We don't know. Is it all real? Is none of it real? Both? Mixture? We've tried to figure it out our whole lives.

But, maybe this brief rundown will help people.

We are plural, a median system. What that means is that we are all Bree, but also have individuality beyond being Bree.
Bree is a collective of all of us, and that collective shifts over time. Some on its own, mostly with the input of us. So, Bree as you know her has changed constantly as we change. It genuinely can take a single daydream of hers to cause a lifetime shift in philosophy, for instance, because if that daydream spawned a facet whose ideas are influential, it spreads.

We have ADHD, so we constantly shift areas of focus and expertise.

Specific facets were designed for specific tasks. Blog writing, for instance, is different from mafia, is different from other-mafia, is different from twitch, is different from discord, is different from other-discord, is different from life, etc. You get the idea. So a facet interacting can be entirely different from a different facet interacting.

We have bipolar disorder, and numerous anxieties, including imposter syndrome.

We are also autistic. We have an extreme sense of empathy, naturally attuned to the emotions of others, but also weirdly blind to them at the same time.

There's more, but these are the relevant ones for the rundown.

We have been a troubled person since the age of 14. We were monstrous, even sociopathic, from about the age of 14-17.
We were narcissistic from the age of about 16-19.

Between the two, I was very bad. I knew there was something wrong with me, or wrong with the world (spoiler alert, we're trans!), but I lashed out. And I thought I owned the world. I thought I was entitled. I thought I was able to get away with almost anything, and I was not going to face consequences.

I deliberately keep the details of my wrongdoings vague on my blog, but vivid in my dreams. I don't want this space to be a space of harm, a space which hurts, a space which causes damage and ruins lives. But I was bad. Very bad.

And then I got better. I grew a conscience. Or rather, my 13 year old conscience resurfaced. I've been kind and empathetic my whole life, but it first got twisted into something monstrous at the age of 14-19.

Which launched an endless cycle.

I learned from the mistake. I was horrified by it. Mortified by it. I swore to never again be that person. I worked to atone. From my own dark history, I became a better person in helping others. I knew I had caused harm, and my way of making up for it was to heal others, help others.

And then, something causes the dark side of me to resurface. So I hurt them, the very people who were endeared to me, the very people I swore to help, and the hurt was deeper than the earlier hurt because when you have been good to people and suddenly aren't, the pain, the hurt, is much worse than if you were a relative stranger, as it was the first time.

So I learn from the mistake. I'm horrified. I'm mortified. I want to do better. And I do. I learn. The past mistakes build off of each other and make me an even better person, meaning I am better at helping people. I work extra hard to atone for my sins, and try to redeem myself. And then I do the same thing. I'm even better at helping people than before, so when I end up screwing up and hurting them, the hurt is deeper than the last time.

That's been going on for at least ten years. maybe 15.

I am always a screwup. I always mess up. My dark side never truly goes away. It's always there, always a threat, always something which terrifies me. My past is continuously mortifying, horrifying me with how monstrous I am, increasing my fear. My imposter syndrome combined with my depression tells me I am just manipulating people, just using them, that I am a monster and always will be. But at the same time, I fight against the destructive harmful urges and try to be the beacon of positivity and niceness I know I am at my best.

A few months ago, I had my latest bout with darkness. I was stupid. I was not okay. I was in a bad mental state. I was emotionally compromised. And in this state of darkness, I made a horrible mistake. I did terrible things, said horrific things. I was a monster. And I became even more scared of my past self, from having seen the damage I could cause. Perhaps it's arrogance combined with imposter syndrome, but I genuinely think I at my worst am capable of ruining lifelong relationships. I know what strings I can pull. And that horrifies me. That is not a good thing. It's a terrible, horrific, mortifying thing.

So...I need to not do it.

I thought I was on the path to doing better, perhaps forever. I've 30 years of experience to learn from my mistakes, to hopefully never make a harmful one again. But it still follows me. It will never go away. Any and all of my past sins are still there. They're in me as a risk to resurface, as well as in my past and there for any who dare venture there to discover and be horrified by.

I can do so much bad,

But I want to do only good. I'm tired of doing harm. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired of causing pain. But I can never promise I won't, because every past time I thought was the last and spoiler alert, it wasn't. I don't want to be a bad person though. I want to be a good person. I want to help people. I want to uplift them.

In the last few months, we've gotten very good at this, in part because of our failure a few months ago. I've learned to accept their perspective, even if it's different than mine. I've learned to be more accepting of their choices and decisions, even if I am saddened by them. I've learned to understand where they are coming from. I've learned to view things from their perspective. I've learned to see their emotions and understand their pain, their suffering. And I've learned how to approach them better.

The pathetic sad dark side of me calls that manipulation training. I've been manipulating people since I was 13, due to playing mafia. (It's a necessity for the informed minority, and still useful for the uninformed majority.) But the more hopeful idealistic side of me points out that you can view things in more than one light. At its worst it would be--at its best? It's the exact place to be to promote healing and growth. Those are the skills needed to help uplift people.

And I've a good track record of having done so. I know how to target my humor to an individual and make it land. I know how to support them. I remember info about them to help give them advice. I know how to make them feel more optimistic. I know how to steer them in a more positive direction. I know how to avoid toxic positivity--sometimes, people don't want or need advice, but rather, just need a vent. I know how to recognize it, and to differentiate between the two.

And I just want to perfect that art, Of helping, not hurting.

Still.

I know what I want doesn't necessarily reflect reality. Intention matters not in the face of what others perceive.

Some people perceive only my worst side, and think me a monster. They're valid.
Some people perceive only my best side, and think me an angel. They're valid, even if my perspective is that's naive and foolish of them to not know I'm far too flawed for that title.
Some people see almost all of me, and still think I'm a good person. I thank them, and this is what I will always strive for.
But some people see almost all of me, and are mortified, terrified, horrified, and badly hurt by it. And they are valid, too. They are right, and this is how I mostly see myself. There's more good than bad to me, but the bad is made worse by the good being so prominent.

I've tried to figure out what's me by looking at myself through the eyes of others, and looking at their perception of me. If I'm to be the empathetic person I strive to be, then seeing what they see, understanding it, and accepting it is important. But, there's no clear answer because I'm not clearly anything.

Except a mess.
A hot mess.

So...I guess, when you walk away, you can see me however you want to. Don't be afraid to let me know, even if it's not a flattering take. I hate myself often. I hate what I've done. I live with my regrets. I will be haunted by what I've done my whole life. I've done monstrous things, made worse by how I've done good things, but I still want to do good. I want to atone for all the bad. I will regret it my whole life, but nothing I've done can be undone.

My actions have consequences. I know that. So whatever consequences you think are worthy of my actions can and should be done.

I only hope that when all is said and done, I still have a path to make a positive difference in the world.

​Because I do truly love it, and all the people within.

Three months of a hiatus has been longer than I've ever been gone before--I legit thought I might never blog again, just due to the lack of momentum. But, I am here now, to say what's new.

That's right, I'm engaged!!! My partner popped the question December 3rd, exactly one month after they moved from Michigan to start living with me.

Since November 5th or so, we've been living on our own. Our plan was to use my parents' basement, but it had unhealthy levels of mold, forcing us to pivot to staying in a hotel for a month. We wanted to try and buy a place, but that process took too much time, so we pivoted to renting, and have landed an apartment as of two days ago!

We're still unpacking things, as well as buying things, as well as getting the quirks worked out, as well as getting things set up. I'm blogging from my phone's hotspot, but using my laptop to type this blog out.

The other major update is mostly to my plurality and our outlook on life from it.

Our main fronter nowadays is kat. For those who have had the pleasure of meeting kat, kat is an incredibly childlike beacon of innocence, youthful energy, and joy. She's not naive. She knows the world is complicated, but she has a neat way of simplifying it in ways which are reassuring and helpful. She is a beacon of positivity, always saying how it's fine, how we'll survive, make things work, etc. She is still kat, literally a cat. And sees things much as a cat does. Cuddlish, affectionate, loving, adoring, but also simple.

​She's also largely assisted by another main fronter, Vee, who is spending most of her time around us, imparting her ways of empathy and pacifism upon us. Which has led to both a lot of changes in us, as well as a lot of reflecting on the past and filled with regret about who we were in the past--even a few months ago.

I am an entirely different person than I was back then. I've continued to change, to learn.

Between kat and Vee, and reflecting on my past mistakes, I slowly but gradually have been taken over by a philosophy of taking the path of true empathy and love. Of taking the path of understanding and of least harm. To try and do the most good with the least amount of damage done.

It started with finally developing a way to overcome a monstrous trait of mine I've had since 13. "You are not playing a game. You are dealing with real life."

It sounds stupidly simple, but it helped remind me of how actions have consequences--especially mine. By shifting my mindset from "I need to win this argument no matter what" to "there is a real life person on the other side, and they are really affected by your actions", I was able to start setting myself on a better path.

That evolved into a gradual understanding. Most people are good. Most humans are good. All humans are flawed and imperfect, me more than any other. But almost all humans are good, trying to do the right thing, and doing their best.

And that was what I needed to develop my standard of empathy and understanding above all else.

With the baseline assumption that everyone I am dealing with is a good person, came the knowledge that I had screwed up worse than I knew.

Four months ago, I said some terrible things. Hurtful things. I had some horribly wrong takes. I was causing pain to others, in a way deeper than I had done before, because the people hurt were friends I was alienating with my lack of humanity and empathy.

I was wrong.
I condemn the actions of myself in the past.
I condone the actions others took--including against me, both then and more recently.

They were justified.

I was in the wrong.

I messed up, badly.

I hurt people, badly.

I deserve any and all punishment I am going to receive and have already received.

And I am truly sorry.

Being sorry doesn't undo the damage. Actions have consequences, and the consequences of my actions will haunt me for life.

I truly wish I could undo what I did--but I can't. And because I can't undo what I did, I have to live forever with the knowledge I did terrible things.

I can promise I will not defend myself. I can promise I will accept accountability. I will accept the damage I caused. I will accept all the actions taken against me as valid, and justified, and fair.

I've spent every day writing pages upon pages reflecting on what I have done--and every day, filled with more regret than the last. (When I say pages upon pages, I mean legit over 500 pages written.)

I don't have the words to say, but I do have the remorse.

All I can really do is say I well and truly am sorry.

I've been meaning to say that for a long time. Those who have seen my twitter and discord interactions have seen me over the course of months undergo this change. Where I say I messed up in the past. Where I say I am a monster, who is trying not to be one. Where I say I know I've hurt people, am tired of hurting people, and just want to help.

I want to uplift people. In the last few months, I've gotten better at doing so. I've gotten better at encouraging people. I've gotten better at getting people out of negative mindsets. I've gotten better at telling stupid jokes. I've become a much, much better human than I was a few months ago--I well and truly believe that I am an entirely different person. Given plurality, not far off the mark, either.

The facet who was most dominant when I did the hurt, isn't around anymore. So I am quite literally not who I was back then.

...Still...

...I am responsible for the actions of my past self. That was a version of me, even if she horrifies the current me. I am mortified at what I did. I am horrified at what I said. I've gained a new perspective, and part of that is a renewed faith in communities being found family. I hate what I have done. But I did it then, so I can't just magically wave a wand away and pretend I didn't. God, I wish I could. But all I can really do is to try my best to atone, as I have.

I will admit to every wrongdoing people bring to me. I will confess to every crime to any who want to hear it. I will do whatever I can to promote healing. I don't want anyone to be hurt.

Months ago, when I first wrote the hurtful blog posts, I expected there to be severe consequences. Back then, there were precious few. Yet I have spent every day preparing for the inevitable. Dreading it. Regretting what I did. Remorseful, and hoping that it would be okay. Still, the past mistakes I made will never go away.

I believe in recording past mistakes, even if they are harmful, to let people know I'm not erasing the past and also that I have changed for the better since having made it--but ngl, given the scope of the hurt my past mistake made, I have genuinely considered doing exactly that, to delete it, as to reduce future harm.

We've spent a ton of time on the 500+ pages of writing facing internal conflicts within our system. One of the conflicts is that issue. Do we delete the harmful things? Or leave them for all to see, despite the harm? We've thusfar chosen the latter, especially since it's too late now.

But, I digress.

My point is, my hurt is forever. The pain I inflicted is real, and true, and can never be undone.

I regret it all.

I am sorry.

I was in the wrong. I badly hurt people.

Personally, I don't think I am worthy of forgiveness. But God, do I wish I were. The amount of pain I caused is unforgivable. I am irredeemable. Yet, despite being unworthy, I still want to do whatever I can to atone.

Everyone deserves better than the me of a few months ago. Especially those that I hurt the most. Whatever actions people take regarding me in the future, I will accept. It's their decisions, from their perspective, off of their feelings, and doing what they think is best. I may end up losing a lot I had before, but the fault is entirely my own. So everyone, once again.

I'm sorry for everything.

You all deserve better than what I have done to you.

I had my generator running with internet every night without power, and six days into the outage, my power was fixed. So that'd be...Thursday, power, Friday, power, and today is Saturday, with me not having written a blog since then.

Mostly, that was me just being stupid and not doing the blog in spite of having it on my mind. Anyway, I suppose I should mention, I've basically caught up on life since the power outtage. I managed to finally grind out the league/tft quests, and thus my only reason to play more was if I wanted to attempt to raise my rank higher. But, I'm content to have it as-is, and leave it there.
(That said, I will have to put some time in to the preseason on Ashe, because while it certainly won't be optimal, I have in mind a hybrid poke/dps build. I already run comet with celerity and approach velocity for lane power that allows for building dps or poke, taking a tear to start. I know in past seasons Shieldbow + Manamune worked as a combo. But now I'm thinking that Shieldbow + ER + Navori would work as a combo, maybe Manamune as fourth or going full crit if not.)

I'll say that a lot of the lack-of-me-present is largely thanks to me being very unhealthy in mafia games. (Silver lining, there's like a 50-75% chance I get banned soon which, hey! Fixes the issue there. >_> <_<) I've been pouring 4-8 hours per day into mafia.

And then I tell myself. "Okay, never again."

And then I do it the next day, and say. "Okay, never again."

And then I do it the next day, and say "I can't keep doing this so this has to be the last day." And then it isn't.

And every work day, I go "okay you can use the phone but no looking at mafia".
And then every work day I look at mafia.
And then I say "okay you can browse offline, but you can't log in to post".
And then half the days I end up logging in to post.

And even though I have every reason to not pay attention to games I am not currently alive in the game as a player in, with my removal from the game as a good way to experience the sweet release of no longer caring and just moving on.

Turns out, as you might have been able to guess, I keep reading.

So mafia has been very very very bad for me.

I kept telling myself. "I'm going to be less active, I'm going to do less, I'm going to do things with more control."
And then I got more unhinged instead.

So like.

I basically have destroyed my life for the umpteenth time thanks to the game that I love but I hate how much it impacts my life. (I'd like to reiterate that I can't go too explicit because of ongoing game rules, but everything I've said here is generic not-game-specific enough to be fine especially since it's all public info and not game-reliant. Just generic things piling up tbh.)

Still.
It may be tempting fate, but I believe that phase of unhealthy mafia activity has ended in my life. (See also, may get banned soon.)

​We'll have to see.

Anyway, with my life beginning to normalize, some to-do things.

I need to finish my art profile picture, but any time I can be lucid and not absentminded, I should be working on my novel instead.
I want to work on minecraft but I know I won't finish my novel goals if I do.

The majority of my time needs to be spent on novel-writing.

Tomorrow I need to, ideally, stream, but if not, at least build my youtube video buffer back up again. (Ideally ideally, do both!)

I need to actually make the thread about youtube videos released that I said I would do.

I need to take a shower tomorrow.
I need to get back into brushing my teeth.
I need to get better at applying the moisturizer to my body to keep it from having breakouts.
I need to shave.

Which is...well. Both a lot, and yet, not a lot.

I've got less work in the next couple of weeks.
But like--on that note, I need to keep up my workouts. I've been quite pathetic there.

I developed an entire routine--and then have done nothing with it at all.

​I need to get better.

I did something today that freed a lot of the burden from my shoulders. Genuinely, before I did it I was literally in a spot of darkness, misery, anger, and utter exhaustion. I couldn't remember being happy. I was just tired in every way possible, and angry at so many things. And I wanted it to just...stop.

So I did. I did something which made it not be an issue.

And once I did it, it genuinely was a weight off our shoulders.

Immediate relief. And I mean immediate relief. Within five minutes, a flood of positive emotions.

Feeling giddy, happy, upbeat.

For the first time we can remember in weeks.
Calm, relaxed. Just, serene.

We were happy. We were free. We were good. We suddenly had the time and mindset for working out, and to actually knock out life tasks.

All good, right?

Sounds like it should've been a good thing, right?

And, well.

It certainly would have been!

...Except for one small issue.

We ADHD'd our way back into doing the same thing. It has become an obsession. A very unhealthy one at that.
We let go. We were free.
And then we weren't. Because we are stupid. We are dumb.

Even now we're thinking of that thing and it is taking every rational part of us to go, "NO. No. Bed. Not that. BED."

Which gives an idea for how bad it is. It's genuinely an addiction--and yet.

In spite of knowing how unhealthy it is, in spite of knowing how it is making this hellish week all the much worse.

We keep going back.

For god only knows what reason.

See also, we are stupid. And we hate it.

I am sick physically.
I am sick mentally.
I am sick emotionally.

Genuinely.

Nothing is going well for me right now.

I'm exhausted on every level.
I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I just...I'm losing so much.

My health is going down. Physically, especially.
But also mentally and emotionally.

I am worn down.

I am tired.

I am genuinely not okay.

I'm not doing so much I should be.

I'm struggling.

I feel like I am breaking down. That I am broken, that I can't continue on.
I just feel like I'm so done with life right now.

But like. Can't exactly not live it. So in spite of feeling like I'm just done--obviously I'm not actually. Which arguably makes me feel even worse because I feel like quitting something that there is no quit option for.

(Well--technically. But. Y'know. I'm not going there. There's no quit option. Period.)

I'm struggling to remember how to be happy.
I'm struggling to remember how to function.
I'm just.

I feel like collapsing.

My whole life is just. Tension building, no release.

I genuinely don't know how to keep going.
I mean, I will.
I just don't know how.
And there's a very real--justifiable--fear that I simply...pass out. Behind the wheel.

I'm not healthy in any way.
That bad health adds up.

Something's gonna break bad.
Physically would be the least damaging, but most annoying. Sickness would be a way to force rest, but would cause so many small issues.
Emotionally would be the most destructive. When I break bad, I burn bridges.
And Mentally would be the most dangerous. If I fall asleep while guarding, it's dangerous to other patrons. If I fall asleep while off the stand it could cost me the job for sleeping through rotations. But mostly and obviously: if I fall asleep while driving...

...When I drive on some of the most dangerous highways in the state...

...Hoo boy I don't think I need to say how dangerous that is.

And I've come close to all three mentally before.

Very very dangerous.

And it's getting worse.

It's not the work schedule in of itself.
It's just a perfect storm of everything wearing me down.
So many events going on that I am juggling.
The extra work I felt I had to take.
The time-limited things I am struggling to try and get on time.
The picking up of things that I am invested in.

It's all adding up. It's all piling up.

I don't think it'll have the effects of the worst burnouts where I genuinely left areas of my life I loved permanently in the past. That shouldn't happen.

But.

I am just. So so dead inside.

I mean, physically, not so much. It did leave our foot blistered when normal workdays don't, but that's minor. In of itself, yesterday was fine otherwise. Altho the fatigue is definitely felt--today's drive home from work felt alarmingly dangerous, because tiredness built up from exhaustion.

Emotionally, well yes but we've recovered.

The main way it messed us up was scheduling-wise and all the fallout which follows.

We were meant to do a minimum of 7 things today.

Watching one video.
Watching two vods.
Brushing teeth.
Going to bed on time.
Taking a shower.
Keeping discord talks up to date.
And catching up on mafia games. (We usually take Saturdays off. Which is normally fine, because we have eight hours of free time on Sunday to devote to the game. Not yesterday! Yesterday we had a maximum possible of two. Two hours, IF we were doing NOTHING BUT mafia. Suffice to say, we did not get that done.)

We tried to do them all.

You know how many we got done?

Well if we brush our teeth, that'll be two.
Otherwise?

One.

One, of seven.

These are genuinely all things that I could've gotten done if I had my normal amount of free time.
If I didn't have a double shift yesterday, if we didn't work ten hours yesterday, if we worked a far more sane five, then we'd have had five hours to devote to knocking tasks out.

We wouldn't have needed to even watch the DRX vod, because we'd have caught it live. (Maybe the very beginning we'd miss, but the most of it we'd catch.) Instead, we came in on the ending of game 4, meaning we had 4 games to watch and then some. (In our credit, we did get to near the end of game 2, but we honestly should rewatch that game since we didn't even notice when DRX got the edge there. It started with an EDG advantage and we knew EDG won the first two, so we kinda figured "oh EDG just won this from that early play, match wrapped", except actually no, it was an EDG win but DRX had the lead and I didn't really notice when or how that happened, so like...we clearly weren't paying enough attention to game 2 meaning we need to rewatch it. But I digress. Point is, we didn't finish that.)
We would probably have had time to watch the Paranormal Detour second episode.

We'd have had more time to catch up on discord.

And we'd have had more time to play mafia, meaning a lot of the work we did today could have instead been done yesterday, when we actually promised it. (We still haven't done things we promised on Saturday we'd do. Can't elaborate, ongoing game rules, but since the info is public in said games I think I can safely say that much without violating site rules by keeping it vague and not explaining.)

Granted, still wouldn't have gotten everything we wanted to do, done.

We'd still be late for bed and still not have finished everything.

But we'd have finished more.

Because today we still didn't finish. We're nowhere close.

We took a shower, miraculous as that in of itself is. But that's genuinely it. Everything else we planned to do, we didn't do to the amount we had planned to do. Or even remotely close.

All off the back of a single double shift we really didn't want to work, but worked anyway because we felt we had no choice but to.

The sad part is, we knew this would happen; that's why we didn't want the shift in the first place. We KNEW it would mess us up in this exact way. It's just that, well. We got stuck with the shift anyway, and now the consequences: we are suffering, because everything is out of whack.

There's so many things piling onto the to-do list.

We're neglecting League and TFT, in spite of time-sensitive missions there.
We were planning to stream today (oh that makes a minimum of eight, not seven), we didn't do that--and to knock out the to-do list for today we'll have to give up streaming tomorrow, too.
We haven't worked on our art since Saturday (our day off).
We haven't written since our last stream.
We have barely scheduled youtube videos, staying afloat at uploading one per day and releasing one per day in spite of the idea being to schedule several in a day that release every day. (I need a buffer. I have none.)

And our health is not great.
Every workout is a struggle. We barely did the 59 knuckle pushups today (broken up into two sets because we're too weak and pathetic to do them all in one). We only did the 59 jackknives on a technicality, doing like six sets of 10 or so. (Actually, 5 sets, since two sets were 15.) Again, those are meant to be one continuous set. And they had half-hour gaps between them.

Realistically speaking, time constraints mean I can't do an entire workout in half an hour, so doing one set of 59 jackknives is unrealistic, but I introduced a concept of a "soft-reset" where I keep some progress but roll it partially back if I have a half-hour break. So, 20 becomes like 16, 16 becomes like 10, something generically in the area but which accommodates for how you're not supposed to get that much rest between sets.

Today each set of jackknives--10 to 15--was separated by a half-hour...and I couldn't use a soft-reset for any of them. We did pretty much on the dot 59, both officially AND unofficially. No soft resets involved. Which means the ab workout was sub-optimal.

We didn't do proper arm stretches.
We didn't do extra ab work to target the side-abs.
We didn't do extra arm workout to build the muscles up not activated by knuckle pushups.

​And we are so tired. So exhausted. And it's only going to get worse. We're late for bed three days in a row now. We work 31.5 hours officially (33 with lunch accounted for), over five days this week. We're dangerously tired as-is and our workouts are increasingly hard to do, likely thanks to lack of rest to properly build the strength back up.

It has all snowballed from what amounts to one thing we felt like we had no choice but to do. One extra shift, and our whole week is dangerous, miserable, tiring, and getting worse and worse and worse and worse.

Granted, it's not like everything is bad.

It's just that: genuinely?

We don't have time to appreciate the good. We don't have time to celebrate the good. We don't have time to enjoy the good.
​There is good happening, it's not literally all bad--but we just...well, we see it, but it's hard to, I guess, perceive it? Observe it? Feel it? We objectively recognize the good when we think about it and in the exact moment of the good...

...But we are so overwhelmed right now that genuinely any time outside of the good, we can't actually think of the good.

So while the week isn't all bad and has good within...

...The good kinda gets buried under the pile of exhaustion, fatigue, and business, from work and a continuously piling up list of things we are meant to do that we aren't doing.

As a reminder, weebly is my primary blog, for any who would view this blog entry on wix.
And I am creating a mirror/backup blog on wix, for those who view my blog on weebly.

Today, weebly had me logged in. I attempted to log in with a square account and that wasn't working, so I went back to the log-in-with-google option which seems to consistently be the only one which works--which is a concern, because if it stops working...well, bye bye weebly blog.

With my repeated links to the wix blog, it'd be fairly easy for blog viewers here paying attention to what would inevitably be my last entries on weebly to figure out what happened: that I had lost access to weebly and swapped over to wix. But still, I'd prefer not to lose my weebly blog if I can avoid it, especially since I've not ported over the eight years worth of blog entries yet.

I need to tho, just in case the weebly blog does become inaccessible to me at any point for any reason. After all, losing access to making entries isn't the only concern; losing the content of the entries is also a biggie.

So yeah, I definitely need to do that.

The problem is, there's so much extra I need to do, too.

I should be checking Disney Dreamlight Valley daily to see what outfits are there that I want to buy. Furniture, meh, don't care about it. But clothing, quite a bit, I do. Not everything, but enough.

And there are both quests for League of Legends, and for Teamfight Tactics. I need to keep going on those areas as well.

In addition to that, I've got a doctor appointment tomorrow, and a training on Saturday.

All in all, an incredibly busy week, so finding the time to continue porting over is...quite difficult. Especially since I do have mafia duties to attend to as well as other games that I want to keep playing. It's just...it's a lot. And I don't have time for it all.

​Still gotta try my best tho.