I am still on January 19th for transcribing notes from discord into my files, and the transcribed notes are messy and not organized properly, as I would like them to be. However, this is much much much better than it was before.

I've begun to add things in, and finalize a few, and am networking things far better. (Speaking of networking, it's been a while since I've reminded you that this blog is published on two sites, the weebly main site and the wix mirror. The wix mirror doesn't have my older blogs yet, but will eventually, when I put the time in to add them.)

​I did decide to cheat and do a little bit of gaming--but I kept it to Normals in TFT (kinda regret it not being ranked since I got top 4 in both but I was not ready for the tilt of getting sub-4 on a night I want to get rest), and it was to clear out almost all of the quests I have. (The one remaining one is the 3* 3+ units, which is just a hyper-roll and/or Supers and/or trade sector type game, so can be done easily enough.)
All I needed was Neeko with a deathcap and 2* (almost didn't get it, as I 2*'d her the round I died), and then the Threat ones (Morgana, Aatrox, Fiddle 2* fielded; Syndra summoning a 2* threat), and in two games back to back (I think I got 3rd and 2nd?), I pulled it off.

Butyeah, today was mostly spent on trying to transcribe notes into their proper locations. I'm going through the notes, slowly, surely. When I get done with the discord notes, there will be a lot more work to do. Formatting the notes, cleaning them up, placing them appropriately, and then fleshing out the notes as they should be.

My notes have the format of an unofficial wiki (because I find that format easy to read/understand/process/file), and part of that is needing to make entries for everything. And put the 'tropes' for everything. To be honest, I think that doing everything I am setting out to do might take months upon months of work. There will always be more to add.

Still though. It needs to be done to at least some extent. Some details, I can get away with not fleshing out. (Don't really need to think up blood types, for instance.) Other details, though, I need to include. Anything I want to write? Need to include. Any detail I want to include? Needs to be written. There are things that I don't think I can realistically do. There are things I don't think I can flesh out. There are things that will remain vague, ambiguous, generic, etc.

I'm going to be cutting as many corners as I can, so my notes don't need to show the details. Maybe note I'm cutting corners, but not really detail things. Still, because Farn is going to be three books and the first book is going to be very, very long (it would probably be enough material for three or more books on its own), that means even the bare minimum after having cut corners is going to be very very long.

I still gotta try tho.
Farn is worth recording.
In the event I fail to write it, at the very least I want to leave enough that someone else could piece together the events and build something resembling what I wanted.
To some extent, that's why I've also become more open to sharing farn with others prematurely. Those in trusted spaces have been given the theoretical access to the worlds. I'm reasonably certain none of them have taken me up on the offer and actually viewed the work--and that's okay. The offer was the important part. It's there for them if they want it to be there.

And with it out there, that means my work is less likely to die.
The more and more work I do on it--the more and more likely it is that the final product matches my vision.

So I gotta keep pushing forward, and hopefully, I can make farn a reality.

I mean. I have a whole laundry list of things I could comment on, I just...idk, don't really know what I feel like writing about on the blog today. I guess I go stream of consciousness style, or maybe bullet-point list of things, or maybe a combination of both? (Here comes the ramble tag. xD)

We went to our first counseling/therapy session in three years (last one was as the pandemic was starting, in 2020). Little has come from it so far, but the hope is it gets me moving in the right direction.
We didn't even get to mention our plurality since it never really came up. We're not hiding it from him since we trust our counselor who probably figured it out on his own, but like...we just haven't found a way to really bring it up and talk about it yet. With frequent therapy, one of our sessions might lead to the talk about it.

We do want to tell him, we just don't know how to just say "oh by the way, we're plural". We could maybe force it, but for counseling, I personally feel like discussion should be evolving fluently and be about the topics brought up as they come up. If there's an awkward pause, and nothing fills the gap, that might be a good time and with enough sessions it'll come up eventually, but we're in no rush.

We also got a doctor's appointment this week, attempting to discuss the issues we've been having.
We wrote out a full list of issues we have going on.
Not wanting to self-diagnose, we didn't tell them what we think is causing those, because they are generic enough that any number of things could be the cause.
But we didn't get them to read the list.

Put simply, ​Autism + doctor appointment where they don't read your pre-prepared notes + don't communicate with each other + engage in a way I struggle with = guess who isn't getting answers about her medical issues. (It's me, I am the girl not getting answers.)

I got a followthrough appointment for a cardiologist. (I'll attempt to tell them the issue, doubt they'll have any more listening to me than what I already got though.)
I got prescribed dizziness medication (honestly I'm debating not even bothering with trying to get it, yet alone take it, but who knows, I might try it just to see if it works even though I know it won't).

But it doesn't seem like they were really engaging me in a way conductive to diagnosing my issues.

They repeatedly asked about anxiety--yes, I have it, I have very bad anxiety in fact, but I know for a fact these conditions aren't caused by anxiety. If anything, the moments I am anxious/stressed are the moments when my symptoms are at their weakest.
Basically, in times when I am distracted, when I am basically in a trance caused by my neuroses, most of my symptoms aren't there. When I actually obtain some semblance of peace of mind, that's when dangerous spikes happen. Thinking decreases the amount of times I am affected; not thinking increases the amount of times I am affected. The more I think of the issues, the less they happen.

Which is the exact opposite of what should be happening with stress/anxiety if stress and/or anxiety are the cause. Stress and anxiety cause these things to peak, in part because of the stress and the anxiety. But after the stress and the anxiety has faded, the symptoms tend to, too. (Which is why getting rid of the stress/anxiety makes it better.)

​Now, we can't get rid of our stress/anxiety (I don't know why), so the physical issues of stress/anxiety are definitely there (weight, mostly), but if stress and anxiety went away, I imagine the result would be these things getting even stronger and happening more often.

They probably think we're making it up, that the signs and symptoms are exaggerated, that we are creating the issue in our head.

We're not.

We know our body. We know what's going on with it. We just don't know how to describe to a medical professional what's going on, in a way that they would understand, and be productive to finding the root of the problems. I know what the issues are. I just don't know how to translate those issues into terms which a medical professional can then give a diagnosis for.

Well. I guess that'll be it for now. This medical rant ate up the majority of our blogging energy.
I'll say that we definitely are struggling to stay afloat in a lot of areas though.

There's so much we want to do.
We wanna work on the things our counselor asked us to.
We wanna stay afloat on mafia, discord, and torn, which all require extensive daily upkeep.
We wanna play games, but don't have the time to do it and anything else--we game, we lose out on doing literally everything else.
We wanna keep up on hygiene, but haven't taken a shower since last week. (And we're not going to--in all likelihood. None tonight, likely none tomorrow, probably will convince ourselves out of it Sunday too.)
We wanna stream, but were too tired yesterday and need to go to bed too soon tonight (to catch a watch party tomorrow, at least).
Did we even upload our last stream to YT? I don't think we did.

And then there's actually doing productive things.
We wanna get back onto ComicFury and add it into our daily routine. Not webcomics, mind you, and not obsessively viewing the discussion daily, but like on mafia and discord, reading the things of interest every day.
We wanna get our avatar for rBree2 on ComicFury (previously called "My Alt", our alt account) and Ranger on mafia done (same avatar, taking from both).
We wanna work on writing Farn.

We did make some minuscule progress today, a modicum of work, where we added Anna Effigy to our unofficial notes file.

But we're not getting our discord notes translated into the notes sections of any document, and we're not filling out the unofficial notes with existing notes or writing the desired new ones, by and large.

It just takes so much time...and focus...and we have none.

Yet alone, writing.

And for streaming/recording we've got work to do like downloading OBS, and we've not done that.

We're staying afloat, and that's about it.

We do have the excuse of a hellish work week, and recovering from sickness, in the last two weeks.

But we're still meant to be doing...so, so much more than we are.

We need to move forward.

We're not.
That's okay that we're not.
​But we still want to, and know we should, so knowing we should and knowing we want to, we need to figure out how to actually get there. Which again, was discussed in counseling a bit. "The level of want, and the level of prepared, both need to be high", I believe it was.

Well the want is high.
The level of preparedness?
...Well, clearly not.

Small steps are better than no steps I guess tho.

Went to bed without blogging yesterday since I didn't blog pre-stream and slept immediately post-stream, and even today am making a nonentry entry.

Still tho.

I've been making progress in things.

I kept up with my weekly games and have even managed to keep working on my story notes. I've gone to like 40 pages and I'm not even remotely close to finished, but a lot of it is actually new material I hadn't covered previously in any prior notes, so brand new notes is actually a really good thing.

Butyeah, gotta go now.

Okay so checking in my notes I've got...hmm, 1/11/2023?...
...I guess that means about 47 days worth of notes to sort through?

Aside from how I am trying to combine three documents' worth of info into one (well, one was already bare-bones having been formed side-by-side with this project, but I suppose the discord notes count as a document), which makes the amount of work I have to do that much higher.

I have ~145 or so pages of pure notes (not counting prototype excerpts) from one place to record, all the discord notes, and then a bunch more (thankfully, much shorter than 145 but still ~40 or so) all to transcribe in the more organized format I am aiming for. It's going to be a royal pain.

But the result will be worth it, if I can pull it off.

I won't let this side-project stop me from writing the story itself, mind you. I still intend to write it while streaming. (I took a week off of streaming in a desperate attempt to get my health back--it didn't work; I've got a sore throat which has persisted throughout the day.) I will stream other things as well--art, minecraft--but I intend to primarily​ stream writing my story.

But in my free time, I feel it's a valid choice to instead of writing the story to work on the notes because of the benefits behind having done so. My notes are a hectic mess as-is. Formatting them to be more organized and collected, with info previously not stated (at least not in that way), allowing me to have the info all available when needed.

It's a lot of work.

But I'm chipping away at it--slowly, gradually.

To be fair, fairly productive day. I didn't do everything I wanted to do--but I'm making large amounts of progress in my record keeping, and it's coming together nicely. I looked at it and was like, "Ohhh...YEAHHHH."

I'm looking at it and it is writing itself.

Now, I realize that writing this info isn't writing the story. I should just be writing the story. But, I want to get things presented the way I want them to be. I want to have my notes not be in discord messages to myself, and available in the notes. I've been slacking on rl stuff that my notes have been getting in the way of me pursuing, because I've been focusing on the notes.

Okay so talking hard right now. Basically, to explain: I have a notes discord where I have notes of all kind to myself. Because some sort of technical glitch kept me from recording things onto my docs directly, I began using the notes for it. And because my doc notes were a mess and the discord notes a mess, everything is a mess.

​And I want to clean them up.

​And this is also important because the discord where I have notes to myself also has other notes, and those notes are getting drowned by the farn notes, and I want to get the focus back on the rl notes rather than the farn notes.

So basically.

I know this won't make much sense to others.

​But basically, I'm working on the farn notes so that I can get my rl notes to be more clear. I've got a long, long ways to go. But if I get it done, it'll make things a lot easier for me.

I guess it starts with writing a blog for the first time in like two weeks.

Remember when my blog was daily?

I sure do!

Multiple entries per day, even!

I should start doing that again.

I need to transfer things to my new purse.
I need to use the new razor I purchased last week.
I need to take a shower and change clothes and, ideally, organize them too.
I need to get a full night's sleep every night.
I need to stick to my workouts.
I need to run.
I need to brush my teeth.
I need to brush my hair.
I need to change clothes daily and shower regularly.
I need to apply the lotions.

I need to continue blogging.

I need to eat through my to-do list.
I need to re-sort my notes I have on my desktop that I got scattered.
I need to send the emails I was intending to.
I need to do a job thing.
I need to sort through my phone.

I need to resume therapy.
​I need to get a new psychiatrist. (Ideally get Autism/ADHD diagnoses for peace of mind, too.)

I need to talk to a doctor about how we probably have POTS, too. (Not to mention, share that info with my family since they probably have it, too.)

I need to just...be better than I am right now.

We have plenty happening.
​January 29th is the anniversary of us being on estrogen, so we've passed the 1-year mark on it.
We've discovered more about our system, which we are planning to make art about to describe. (We're currently up to five discovered facets. Amanda, our deep 'yo' voice; Joy, our all-caps multi-exclamation mark voice of 'HI FREINDS!!!', Ashe our drawn out lowercase broken English voice of 'hiiiiiiii', Morgan our aussie, and Bella our southerner who gives phrases like y'all, ain't, and folks.

​We've continued writing for farn. Mostly note-taking, but a little bit writing, too. A lot of the notes we need to catch up on are farn-related though, but it needs to be done.

I did come up with a quick explanation of my story though:

"A shonen anime in novel form, with high school slice of life and harem-anime elements: the 28-year-old protagonist is isekai'd to a fantasy world as a 16-year-old. She is enlisted into a high school, but it's a school for adventurers. Shenanigans ensue, through the lens of shonen tropes. As action escalates, so do relationships, and via her personality, Vee has a lot of those."

​Is it the best description, probably not. Could I make it shorter, oh definitely. But it's apt. People I describe it to will have little interest in me explaining how it's based on me combining two different ideas that then took on a life of their own. (I think I detailed them in the blog before? How one was "what would it take for someone basically me, to be sent to this world as the one chosen?", combined with the idea of 14-year-old me who made an Adventure Questesque world where I was transported there at that age, grew up to be a great adventurer, mastering elemental magic, archery, swordsmanship, being an inventor of things like guns, and having familiars. Strong, diverse, but not overpowered per se, stronger on paper than in reality, which is what Vee is.)

​So cutting out what they don't need to know, we're left with what they do. It's designed to be something that could become an anime. I view the characters as looking like anime characters. Every scene looks like an anime in my mind. Literally all of them. That's what they look like. While I do see them as looking real, I mostly see them as looking like anime. It's like 80% anime, 20% real--not in style (a style looking like). 80% of the time, 100% anime. 20% of the time, 100% looking real.

So while it's not exclusively an anime--it's mostly an anime. It technically qualifies as an isekai, because Vee is de-aged and given a new body on arrival, even though it is not properly a reincarnation, not truly a summon, is something one of a kind in-universe.

It's a fantasy setting. The protagonist goes to high school, so there's plenty of high school drama going on. There's typical student archetypes in place, an alpha bitch posse, two guys being guys, groups, cliques, etc. But because it's a school for adventurers, they are learning to fight things adventurers fight--by design, amping up in threat level gradually, at least in theory.

There's constant training, there's tournaments, the classes have regular frequent mock battles and spar daily. But they also hang out outside of school with things like sleepovers. Vee, through her personality, interests, and past experiences, bonds with many of the students across classes, who get to show off their personalities and powers gradually. Every character has their moments to shine, but with the focus on Vee, we get a lot of focus on how her eventual lovers fall in love with her.

So that's what the story is, in a nutshell.

It's going to be one of a kind if I can do it--I just have to do it.

Like the long list of things piling up.

We had eight hours of sleep last night, not counting naps.
We've been keeping up on coffee drinking and tea drinking at normal times.
We're pretty sure our hydration levels are normal, and food intake regular, and workouts about normal.

What gives.

Why are we this badly tired?

We're still doing productive stuff, mind you! Today we did a little extra notes writing (nothing new in terms of worldbuilding, but writing down some notes we had kept in our head) and actually did a little bit of the revising we needed to do on the current chapter we're writing (I know the dangers of the eternal edit loop, but this edit is necessary because to tell the narrative we need, we need a specific tone and content within, and while we nailed it in the earlier sections of the chapter, the later seconds drifted away; we found the spot it drifted and are working on fixing it, which will be worth, trust me).

So not a lost day with nothing done at all.

But.

Still.

We're not supposed to be this exhausted all the time.

​What's wrong with us? Is it really the sickness?

We got decent sleep.
We got decent rest.
We took a nap. (More than one in fact.)
We felt less sick than before.
We rested.

And yet we have felt more tired than ever before.

​I don't know why.

​On the bright side, a nearly 7 hour stream of writing for our novel, but like. That didn't cause this tiredness.

Got some pretty good presents. Two rings, new fingerless gloves, a couple bracelets, a new mouse (no more disconnecting mouse in the middle of things!), another USB port expansion for my computer (tho that said, my computer bluescreened three out of five streams last week, so like--something badly broke and idk what to do to fix it), an Uninterruptible Power Supply (that my family will inevitably never set up, but which is an awesome gift if they did), and delicious food.

I managed to do a lot of work on farn, by better defining some of Lilith's aliases and titles. (I'm focusing on her a lot since she's one of the most important of the abundant argon, but technically speaking, the thing I'm doing for her I should be doing for all sixteen of the others who need it done.)

I also scheduled two youtube videos for release.

To-do:
-Need to clip my streams I didn't clip already.
-Need to figure out how to fix my computer bluescreening during streams.

​Anyway, should be wrapping up and heading to bed now.

Didn't do much of anything, but I made progress on a few things.
Watched "It's A Wonderful Life", which was incredible.
Watched Home Alone and Home Alone2, which was hilarious and iconic.
Did some work on farn by trying to find a way to create names from a word (rather than vice-versa), which I might've succeeded at, and am building up a list of Demon titles and aliases they use to avoid giving out their true name.
Didn't get to properly investigate how to fix the computer crash tho, and fell behind on a lot.

Gotta do a lot, in a short amount of time. But, meanwhile, bed; if I want to get a proper shower and a proper night's rest I should've gone to sleep an hour ago. So I'll be cutting corners.