I didn't do a proper start of day with workout routine (I managed to eke by the bare minimum eventually), my shower wasn't as good as it should have been, I missed a dentist's appointment (because I thought it was tomorrow), work was pretty miserable today where I barely stayed afloat, I have continued to lose LP in TFT (and not collecting my daily win quest in league)...all I've done, it's been...not great.

I just haven't had a good time.

I did get a lot of note work done on my story, but I didn't actually complete any of the notes I was writing, leaving them all incomplete.

There was something I was going to do tomorrow early, but I don't remember it so because I didn't remember it, I won't be doing it especially since I stayed up late tonight, two hours past the early-bedtime time.

All-in-all, nothing has really gone well at all.

​That said, I did end today with giving advice to someone, and I feel like sharing what I said as a blog, because it's important.

In a sense, this blog is my legacy; as long as weebly lets it exists, and as long as weebly exists, it will exist. (And the wayback machine means there's a chance, however small, it lives even past that.)

So it's fitting that I left a message about a legacy. So as part of my own, have my advice:

​​
I was asked if I had ever thought what would happen to me when I wasn't alive anymore. (I've made many twitter and blog posts on the subject, so suffice to say...)

The answer: Yes. I concluded that while it'd be unlikely that those who knew the real me would find out, if they did, they'd be devastated if they learned I had died. The knowledge would be hard to come by, but if they did, it would be hard on them.

But I had more than that. Even lacking that, I got myself in a better state by realizing, all the future things I could do would never happen if I wasn't alive for them. Every friend who I would help in the future, wouldn't have me there to help them if I died in the past. Every contribution to society would be gone. Every time I would do something of significance that would help, it'd not happen.

I can never know what those interactions will be until I have had them happen, but the chance of them happening is reason enough to prevent not being alive. Especially since interactions that meant something to others, I may never realize I made. Something I said/did I may forget but leave a lifelong positive impression on another. I will have no clue what kind of good I will do, and that gives me strength to push forward and keep living life.

Still, I do wish I had more connections to the people I care about, since my only friends are online. That is a goal and aspiration of mine, to bridge the online gap. Which is another thing to give me strength in life, ironically. I want to keep living, so that if I do die, they will know about it, weird as that may be.

On that note, it was also brought up about hiding and not feeling anything for a while. I didn't bring up how my plurality in a sense allows for that, but I do need to mention more there. It'd be so great to skip ahead in life to automatically go to when I achieve those goals. But SOMEONE has to get us there, it won't magically happen. Wanting to retreat into a state where you effectively don't exist is perfectly natural. It's not something uncommon. Life is, inherently, overwhelming, especially in our capitalistic-driven world. It's not, inherently, unhealthy, however, to have that desire. To temporarily vanish and effectively time travel into the future is a normal desire.

I get that feeling all the time, in fact. And I got to push forward in my life, because if I don't, then my future-self can't enjoy the rewards of my labor. I, personally, won't be able to magically skip there, but the future-me will feel like she did. But only if I actually push through.

So I have to keep moving forward.

I am our muse, I am meant to use that talent to do writing.

Instead.

I did nothing.

So.

Not a good day for us.

We're worthless and I'm to blame for it.

Family is all gone, so I'm home alone. Is good for freedom and stuff, but we're not taking advantage of it. We're just kinda chilling like normal.

But we are trying to do things.

We're trying to just.

Find more of ourselves.

We know there's more.
What we know of ourselves is fine. We could live our lives as we are and it would be good.

​But we know that we've only scratched the surface and we feel like we can do so so so much more and better and just, know more about us.

It is telling me:
Yes, Bree.

Continue writing the Records of Farn.

It's going to be hard.

It's going to be brutal.

But I have good ideas.

The stories I want to tell, I can tell.

I have the start.

I have the template.

I'm slowly remembering the rules to use. Cutting out duplicates of things like 'of', 'to', etc. Using synonyms. Getting the paragraphs the right structure. (4-8 sentences.) I know that there are doubts to be had.

The Mary Suesque nature of the wish fulfillment aspects of the stories, doubt in my talent, doubt in things. That I've only once finished a story, ever. That I've never finished a second draft. That I'm writing in a google doc. That I have no clue how I will publish it. If I should release it piece by piece, if I should wait until being complete before releasing pieces, if I should release it all at once.

I have my doubts.

But I am being told, very loudly:
"Shush."

I got this.

We got this.

We can do it.

It's within our collective talents, especially mine.

The work has been done (mostly).

So I just need to follow through.

We can pull this off.

​We just gotta keep working on it.

For a start, blog.
We missed Wednesday for understandable reasons: we picked up a Thursday shift because we wanted the money (and to be nice, but mostly, the money) but did so after having left home and needed to go straight to bed, so no blog on Wednesday.

But if I'm doing the math right, I think that means we didn't blog on Tuesday, either, and for that, I don't remember why we did, presumably, forgetting?

Oh yeah, it was just "whoops, we forgot".

Beyond that, we've procrastinated until the last day for a training. We need to get it done.

We also want to actually start writing the book we're working on.

And then there's League's quest which we need to not slack off on.

I think ideal priority is in that order, but also:

We want to start our new routine tomorrow. We developed the plan.

Instantly put the gender juice pill in mouth; do primary workout for the day (except on Saturdays, the rest day); stretches for that day; run; hard tae kwon do practice with strong precise technique; soft tae kwon do moves to get a pseudo-tai-chi thing going; breakfast; brush teeth; shower (once a week with shampoo/conditioner, twice without); on workdays, arrive at work; if possible, do secondary workout; eat lunch; brush teeth.

Now we need to execute it.

Tomorrow's gonna be a huge test, especially with us going to bed at 5 am.

If we do it tomorrow, we can keep doing it; if we don't do it tomorrow, we probably never will.

​So future me please listen to past us all wanting it, especially Miss Efficiency. (Speaking of which, we still need to blog about that. We're more and more favoring us/we over I/me except for specific facets or environments where it's not safe, and there's five of us as far as we know that are major facets. Heck if we know everything tho.)

It's out our Meism.

Our personal belief.

Name pending research on whether we can use it, since we inevitably won't be able to.

It's a pun on Deism, and how in our belief system, there's a strong focus on the self.

Anyway.

We really want to make it.

But we know ourselves.

We never will.

We wish we would.

But we know better.

Since we'll never get to make a blog explaining our beliefs, which we call Meism, you should still get our cliff notes version.

Keep in mind:
These are cliff notes.
These are works in progress.
These are incomplete.
These are not finalized.
These are ever-changing, ever-expanding.

And even with the beliefs set in stone, these are not meant as explanations of them; these are meant as notes so that we can explain our beliefs in a future blog.

The blog we doubt we'll ever make.

Since we probably never make said blog tho, take them since notes are better than the beliefs never manifesting in our reality at all.

MEISM NOTES:
(INCOMPLETE)

REALMS:
Mind/Thought (Headspace)
Dream
Astral
Spiritual 
Spirit
"Heaven"
Eldritch Hell
Demon Hell
Damned Hell
(Maybe more)
(Record of all thought and Perception / Akashik)

SATANS: (each can offer deals)
Lucifer, the Lightbringer, Fallen Angel, The Fallen (benevolent deals, tests of faith)
First Evil, Corruptor (very bad)
Satan of Satanism (research needed)
Eldritch Horror (not to be trifled with)
Lord of the Damned, King of Hell (services)

GOD:
(Heaven)
All combo's I've thought of, with:
Omnipotent, Omnipresent, All-Loving, All-Understanding
(Focus, Multiverse, etc.)

Heaven: 
How it's both God, and yet, every individual, connected to all that ever was, all that ever will be, maybe all that ever COULD be, networked to _everything_

POWERS:
Occult, Witch, Spiritual, Religion, Perception, Belief, maybe more 

ENTITIES:
True Demons 4+ (Eldritch, Corruptor Evil, Fallen Angel, Malevolent Ghost/Spirit/etc.)
False Demons ??? 
Fae
Spirits
Angels
Guides
Ghosts 
gods 
(Definitely more)


MULTIVERSE THEORY/CORE BELIEFS: 
Everything that you do, matters.
Strive to create the best worlds, so that as many "trees" have good roots as possible. 
While infinite numbers of worlds exist, many trees can merge, and there are far fewer trees in the infinite than we think as a result;
Some worlds are more probable than others, so Strive for the best
Some worlds don't actually exist in spite of their theoretical ability to;
Worlds perceived are more real;
Some worlds are only visible in other plains

REINCARNATION: 
Separation of Heaven, Soul, Spirit, Mind, Body
(Soul: every incarnation, Spirit: specific incarnation, Body: Vessel, Mind: Medium between realms, Heaven: connection to all life)

FATE/DESTINY:
One immutable, the other changeable. 
What WILL happen in YOUR brach,
Versus what COULD happen in your future, and the most LIKELY braches.

Can be assigned either way, but keep it consistent, with one always correlating to one term, and the other always correlating to the other; they aren't synonymous.

​Belief matters;
Reality bubbles (spark of the divine/connection to heaven), influence on manifesting current world and reality;
More effective on self and immediate surroundings, less effective on others and across distances

We're free.

The League of Legends quest is done.

It was thirty games that we had to do.

In two weeks.

Given we can only play 2-4 days per week.

That meant 2-10 games per day.

We're burnt out.

We're exhausted.

We're an hour, arguably two, past our bedtime and we're still not quite yet finished with stuff to do before bed.

But it's done.

We're free.

​We did it.

It's possible some of the games involved in the grind got left out.

But it was still a lot.

Yes, we did play a bot game, to try and test if the quest would work there, desperate for it to--nope!

All games had to be done on Summoner's Rift. (At least we think. Might've also included ARAM but we don't like to play ARAMs. Especially since doing so taints our OP GG, as shown above.)

It's exhausting.
It has left us absolutely burnt out, in need of rest. Desperately, we need time to recover.

But we did it.

​We actually pulled it off!!!

We spent all day testing another Stardew Valley mod.

As a reminder, we have a time-restricted League quest we only have a couple days left to complete.

And weekly TFT quests we haven't touched.

To be fair. We did get a lot of progress done. We managed to get most of the mods we really want. (We also have another two or three to test.)

But we have poor time management skills because while we can do Stardew Valley at any time, we're on the clock for the other stuff.

​Oops?

Okay but like. Really. What are we thinking.

Are we forcing the 'us', or is it still natural?

Are we forcing 'me' when it isn't natural, or is it still natural?

Are we avoiding plurality things or embracing them?

Are we afraid of separation or afraid of too blended?

Is too blended too close to us being merged or is it too close to us all being distinct? Ditto for vice-versa.

Are we suppressing anything? Washing away plurality out of not wanting to face it?

We're not thinking clearly.

Ugh we wanted to do other things like stream, minecraft, FFVII, literally anything but we've been playing League all night.

We didn't even play TFT.

We don't even want to be playing League.

Why are we playing League?

Not even child-Ranger wanted that.

Well it's because we have no choice; we have 5 days left (which is pragmatically more like 2-3) to finish a quest requiring 15 PvP Summoners Rift games.

We really want to complete it.

But we really don't want to play League that much especially in such a short amount of time.

And yet, we have no choice.

And yes, right now I'm typing in 'we', because plurality is a thing.

I've been meaning to write that plurality update on the blog, remember?

I mean.

Not happening tonight.

We're exhausted. We're tired. We're ready to just...be done with the day and sleep to the next day and hope we have more energy then.

But hey. We're a we right now more than we're a me. Well, we always are, but we feel more like 'we' rather than 'me' right now. Well, we're always--okay this won't make sense. I'm too tired to explain it right now. We've got us all active right now and talking in our head. Still me typing, but it's us, rather than me, expressing thoughts.

And, well.

We're wanting to just.

​Go to a different place.