I know pretty much exactly what I did today.

It wasn't much in terms of productivity, but it was incredibly productive in terms of plurality with me making breakthrough after breakthrough after breakthrough there.

I really, really, really SHOULD make a blog about my plurality and the breakthroughs I've had in the last half year or so.

After all, last y'all knew in my blog, I only knew of 2-3 major facets and didn't know much about them.

We're up to five and each we know a heck of a lot about.

Today I finally found a name for the main one (you're reading her writing right now!), and also we developed a bit of a theory for how the five facets formed as they did.

Also, did I mention that my lifelong childhood imaginary friend has been far more prominent in our life than we ever realized? And that we might now know what form of plurality that childhood imaginary friend is, and have given them a name?

Like.

When I say that there's been a LOT.

I mean it.

I just haven't actually blogged about any of it.

I really should.

I just...don't feel like doing so tonight.

So this is all you get for now, my apologies.

I shout as I get up from my chair to leave for bed and turn the monitor off. (In my head obv, plurality thing.)

Since I don't wanna be late, gonna keep it quick.

Done things:
Am now stretching back;
Am increasing cardio;
Am now singing;
Am returning to posture/walking/etc. more feminine, on the horizon: talking too.

Joined my first twitter community and also I found a new tag on twitter about plurality!

Can't explore things properly tonight (or rather, I explored them entirely tonight but I can't 'put this into writing' tonight where I share what I read elsewhere), but it big!

I'm a little disappointed that for a life event this huge, my blog is quite small, but just take my word for it.

​As much as it may not be making an impressive blog, this was a big day.

I just can't think of what to blog about. Games? Having done taxes? Game ideas? Story ideas? I just. I legit can't think of what I want to blog about, I can't focus on something for long enough to form a bloggable thought. Like, I will be thinking of things, and then I will think of things that are related to that which allow me to internally write it, but externally I just can't get those thoughts to flow into my words that I am writing.

These words that I am writing flow naturally. What I am writing now is second nature. It's fluid. It's natural. It's pouring out of my mind onto my keyboard. Basically raw thoughts, raw emotion, just written down as it comes out. What's the term, something about fluid thought? State of thought? There's a term that I should have memorized because it was popular in mafia games circa like 8 or so years ago OH got it, "stream of consciousness".

Right now I have stream of consciousness posting cranked up to 11. There's no preplanning of my thoughts. There's just freeform, where it's going from whatever feels natural to type that comes straight from my brain, almost no filter involved.

I do have more thoughts that are blog-worthy running through my mind, but they're not at the forefront. That might be a plurality thing at play where my body is more or less acting on its own, with the body writing the words and the minds that are my facets thinking more specific things with the core just being the things that take no effort to make and think, just flow, but like...

...I dunno, it's just that. Well. I prefer to have blogs that are somewhat preplanned, structured, where I know what I want to talk about, what will be involved, how I will say it, what it will be about, subjects covered, the indepth nature of them, etc. I don't really like to go with the flow like this one is but like.

Hey, at least it's better than not making one I guess?

In fact, sad and pathetic as it may be, this is probably the longest most indepth most "interesting" blog post I've made in weeks, maybe even months, because I've kept it going, even though I kinda loathe this sort of ramble. Like, most of my rambles have structure to them. A madness to the method, sure, but with method in the madness. They were chaotic, they were ADHD manifested with my inability to focus and having distracting thoughts come up.

But most of the time, even those rambles have structure between one thought and the other. I might not have the ideas tied together well, but I have the ideas neatly separated and the ideas are each coherent on their own even if they have no segue, no transition, involved from one to the other.

Yet this one just has none of that. It's just one continuous "mess", and while I realize this may be the most interesting blog I've written in who knows how long to some people, with some people loving this style for the freestyleness of it where you're getting my beginning-to-show-tiredness-but-not-yet-utterly-exhausted freeflow of word vomit, but like.

While I get that there's a market for that sort of content.
While I get that there is an audience who enjoys that sort of spew.

I, personally, as the one making it: hate it. It's not my thing. It's hard to follow, it's hard to read back later. Like, while I may have forgotten to do this in a long time, in theory I have plans to reread the entirety of my blog for tag-checking in order to get the tags there that need to be there.

Structured blogs like the ones I prefer are easy to sort through en masse, since sifting through them is as simple as looking at one topic then looking at the next.

This blog?

Will I ever be able to read this blog again?

Well in theory yes, maybe, but in practice, probably not, no.

And if I can't read my own words after I've written them, that's an issue, so that's why I hate what I am doing right now for a blog thanks to the blogger's block, in spite of knowing that it is interesting to some people. It's just not "my thing", but ah well. A blog's a blog, I guess.

I mean, even if I had the time, I probably wouldn't make a blog due to blogger's block, but I'd at least have had the chance to make one if I had thought of it earlier and put time into it earlier.

Today I just was a bit too busy.

That said, with some luck, I might be exiting my mental funk.

Fingers crossed tho; it's always on a knife's edge where I could slip back in on a moment's notice.

Mother Ranger coming in clutch.

(Speaking of which, that term will confuse blog readers unaware of my plurality updates because I big dum dum who hasn't actually blogged about that huge breakthrough in my plurality. Whooops.)

I legit just forgot to make one until now for the last couple of days.

A lot of stuff has been happening. Breakthroughs in my plurality, realizations about my spirituality, and also game grinding. But unfortunately, I am trying to plan things smartly so I need to go to bed now in order to get to where I intend to be.

It's a pipe dream because first it would require me to actually make Phyrra and Cyrus, but I actually managed to make a proper sequel to Phyrra and Cyrus!

Now, there was already a spinoff, Smoke Ling, son of a Gunther, covering the son of Gunther King Slayer, the second villain in Phyrra and Cyrus, appearing in the second season, the enemy of Bard. It covered things set about 20 years after the end of the main story of Phyrra and Cyrus (technically 80 years before the epilogue since the epilogue is 100 years from the ending of the main story).

This was a proper sequel, set hundreds of years into the future.

I have the worldbuilding set up.

I have the main character(s). This story would, instead of being an allegory for being trans, would be an allegory for plurality.

Just need to iron out the finer detail points.

​Speaking of plurality though, I owe a ramble on that, too.

As a reminder, I should be going straight to bed from Wednesday night to Thursday morning due to closing shift tonight into opening shift tomorrow. So no blog tonight, if I'm being responsible.

(Spoiler alert: 'if' is there because I am not responsible...)

I wanna quickly mention that I did have a major breakthrough in my plurality yesterday and that's one of the things I should be blogging about, but I used up all of my energy yesterday on just sifting through the breakthrough so I don't have the ability to record it here yet.

Well, 'morning', as in, 1 pm instead of 1 am; written post-bed-and-pre-work rather than post-work-and-pre-bed.

I have some form of anxiety disorder. This is a fairly new discovery for me, but it badly impacts me.
​"What if the snow will knock out power while you're writing this blog."
"What if wearing your false-breasts to bed suppresses the growth of your natural ones?"
"What if having food/drink reduces the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?"
"What if brushing your teeth will reduce the effectiveness of the sublingual intake?"
"What if the sublingual intake is being done wrong?"

You get the idea.

These can be somewhat crippling as the more plausible they are, the more respect I have to pay towards the possibility, in spite of how it's probably wrong.

​However, the most terrifying of possibilities, and what made me start writing this blog (in spite of how it'll make me late to leave), was what I thought when taking my pre-leave-for-work nap.

Some background: I am plural.
I am a minor form of plural, admittedly.

It's called a median system.

Now, back in the day I discovered that I was one, that link didn't exist. I developed my own terminology, which you can even find on this blog! What the wiki link calls 'facets', I call "mes". Ranger is a me, mastina is a me. There are many mes, with those two (with the work-oriented one as a third) being the most dominant. Or as the wiki would say, Ranger is a facet of Bree, mastina is a facet of Bree, there's many facets but they're all a part of me, a part of Bree.

​Each with their own voice, their own personality, their own memories, their own thoughts, emotions, etc. Sharing most with the core, but still having some separation.

​Separate from my median system, however, there's another part of me that I haven't explored.

Since childhood, I have had another voice in my brain. This voice has never been a part of me. This voice has never been a part of Bree. He (and yes, he's a he, when all of me is a she, Bree is 100% she/her) has always been there as a friend. And I can actually see him if I try. He was the imaginary friend of a childhood, who never went away even into adulthood. He's been with me the entire time.

There, but not a part of the core. Existing separately from it. But he's never taken control of my body. He's not a core part of Bree. He's not part of the median system. But he's also not someone who can take control of the body (or if he could, he never has).

But he's not been alone.

Since my teenage years (about since puberty), he's been joined by another guy working identically to the way he does. This guy, David, basically has constantly been emphasizing all the various ways I'm worthless, I'm trash, etc. for my entire time with him. Always highlighting the negative. Always putting me down. Always pointing out the failures. Every thing I do wrong, he would highlight as proof of why I am a garbage human being. Every time I felt guilt, he magnified it.

And more than that, David seemed to elevate my darker impulses. Every time he was most active, everything negative in me was amplified. So I became terrified. In hindsight, my anxiety disorder at work, but also a somewhat realistic concern. Knowing about DID, and knowing that David was real, talking to me, in my head, and separate from me, I had the worrying thought of,
"What if David took control of the body?"
What disaster would await me if that happened?

So I was terrified of him. My fear of him was one of the reasons I worked so hard to gain control of my life, as to make sure he could never manifest physically. I remain unsure if he could have. But I was always afraid of the possibility. I knew I could never get rid of David. I could not drive him away. He was in my brain, there to stay, no matter what. He was separate from my core, but still existing there.

Alongside the other guy, my lifelong friend. (Who, by the way, is still there. He's actually encouraging me passively a little bit even right now, and we may get a chance to chat while driving, we'll have to see.)

​I want to delve into this in a more indepth blog, but for now skipping most of the details, just know that David has been a part of my brain for a long long time, but not a part of me, Bree, ever. He was always separate. He would amplify my darkest aspects, and always put me down.

But recently, he's been absent.

I had various theories.

"Maybe I didn't need him anymore."
"Maybe I got my life into a place where he had nothing to say."
"Maybe the reason I don't hear David putting me down anymore is that I do it myself!"

That last one's important. Because, yes. There is a part of me. My core. A female me, or as the plural wiki would put it, a female facet of me, of Bree. Who constantly does exactly what David did. Putting me down, highlighting every single failure. Unlike David, who I could tell was separate and male, this is part of me, part of the core, and is female.

And then, today, I had a fairly sociopathic/psychopathic thought. The thought deeply disturbed me, because it meant that some facet of me had that level of sociopathy/psychopathy in them, and with them as part of my core, that meant that somewhere in me was that darker deeper impulse that I was always terrified would come to light when David was at his strongest, the fear of him manifesting.

That sociopathic thought is important.

Because enter my anxiety. Linking important thought A, with important thought B:

"What if David isn't around anymore because he merged with the core and became the facet that you heard think that thought?"

And that is the most terrifying thing of all, because it is frighteningly plausible and there's literally nothing that I can do about it. Thus, my morning blog.

So I got a win in tft, and decided to stop playing for the night. (In hindsight, I could've kept going in hyper-roll or the team game mode, but oh well.) And went, "this is a good place to stop".

Then I looked at the clock.

And realized.

"I have to stay up for another hour and a half???" (It's since been reduced to one hour or so.)

Granted, I could go to bed earlier. But I just, well, last night, I got allllll the sleep I wanted. And today, I did have a decent amount of coffee. Plus, this week is a bit abnormal.

Normally, I work at 7:45 am on Sundays, but this week I start at 11 am, meaning that instead of a like 9-11 pm bedtime it's gonna be a 12-3 am bedtime.

I could go to bed earlier and get a little extra sleep.
It's just that I don't feel like it, I don't need it, going to sleep early would genuinely be purely because I had nothing better to do.

Going to bed basically feels like a waste of time, I guess.

Actually, that makes a lot of sense.

The very same part of my brain that is doing the scheduling for me is the part telling me not to waste my time with going to bed prematurely.

See, the thing is, for the longest time, I've had multiple mes. The two most dominant, I identify as 'Ranger' and 'mastina', but there's always been more than just the two even if there are two main-mes. (As a reminder, I have a minor form of plurality called a median system.)

But ever since I have started work, I've become aware that there is a third main me, a third very prominent one that is dominant at work but present at other times, too. This is the me that my drive to do better comes from. Every time I say "I have to do better", it's her speaking. She deals with staying on top of scheduling, she is very focused, work-efficient, etc.

And she's the one who basically said that going to bed before 3 is a waste of time. And I trust her, because she's the most reliable one, she almost never makes mistakes, she's very very good at just scheduling things and knowing what needs to be done.

So like.

When that me dictates that I need to be awake for almost another full hour as of me writing this blog.

I don't want to go against her recommendation and go to bed too soon. It could, in spite of being more sleep technically, actually throw me off worse tomorrow. At least possibly. So like, I trust the 3 am bed time scheduled for me.

The thing is.

Staying up until then is hard​. 

Because I am badly depressed.

I wrapped up on TFT, not feeling like playing another game there.

And then, I found myself in a situation.

"...I have nothing to do."

Which is obviously not true. A blog's something to do as an example, but like.

I literally have a list of activities which details things that I can do, which I am doing none of.

It's just that I feel like doing nothing.

One of the reasons I want to go to sleep is basically boredom.

I don't feel like building things in minecraft.
I don't feel like playing Stardew Valley.
I'm not feeling Chrono Trigger or FFVII or Epic Battle Fantasy 5 tonight.
I closed the League client so am disinclined to play any of the games within there.

​I don't feel like writing or doing art.

I might might might do Civ 3 work, but even there, I'm largely apathetic.

I genuinely just don't feel like anything but sleep.

So.

​Depression it is!