To be fair, that is likely because of burnout from what I have already done.

I've done a lot of work for my stream. I've created half a dozen clips, and even uploaded a couple of them.

I've created two workable backgrounds for stream--neither are great, both aren't what I want them to be, but they're slightly more visually interesting than the black nothingness backgrounds I had before, and moving the text from the bg into the stream software leaves a lot of room for flexibility.

I spent time to set up a Cara account and will be testing the blog function there with...well, with this entry! Not all sites are built to have mirrors, I'm pretty much dropping the YT one because it's not built for it, it's more built for social media style posts (where I may add it into the rotation).

I am feeling a little burnt out and uninspired on the emote front--can't finish the hug emote, not feeling like redoing the wave emote, not feeling like doing a shrug emote, etc.

I think that I need to add some of my art on sites which I have completed, where I didn't include the updated facepalm emote, and that includes here in my blog, so here it is.

I don't really have much in the way of art to show of since then, that was finished a few weeks back and I just never shared it, blogged about it, etc.

But, yeah, for those who are seeing this, I figured that I'd share another about me, where to find me, what I am doing, etc.

I'm Brianna Danielle Lewis, or Bree, for short.
I'm The Range of Bree System, because we're plural.
We are a polyfragmented median system.
I am a transwoman lesbian.
The body has autism and ADHD, so all of us do, too.

We have bipolar disorder, and suffer from crippling anxieties.

We are an Aquatics Lead (speaking of which, need to update our LinkedIn with that update), which is the new name for Lead Lifeguard, with expanded roles but not extended pay (they gave that prior although their idea of "extra generous" is...a little out of touch. In my personal opinion, the number of extra duties is worth more than the $3 increase in pay).

We are 30 going on 31, are engaged to the love of our life, have an apartment as of the end of last year, and are just beginning to find our way in life. We're in desperate need of therapy, but what we want to do with our life:
Basically be therapy for others.

Not as a profession, mind you, although technically speaking if we wanted to, we have a degree already (mechanical engineering, we almost went into CAD as a career but opted out because we need to move around), but as a kinda life goal, to make a difference in the lives of others by being someone who can help them.

I want to give them advice that makes a difference in their lives. I want to help them. I want to leave a meaningful impact in their lives, to give them things they won't forget. To be a source of positive change that helps drive their lives forward, in a positive way. To Bree a Breeacon of light, and spread my joy and positivity to all who I can touch.

​Above all else, I want to vibe with friends. To be there for them. To support them. To prop them up. To make them laugh. To hug them in trying times, and celebrate all of their successes. I want to live a life where I am doing that to all I consider special in my life, and then some. Where I can give that community, that connection, to total strangers and build a place of lifelong differences.

​I can obviously do more. I'd love to share the worlds I have built with others. For others to see the wondrous ideas I have in my head. For me to have that level of reach that my ideas take on a life of their own where others want to make my world be theirs, where people want to leave their own stamp on my ideas.

But those are a luxury compared to my first priority. My friends, my communities.

I am a baby witch, just growing into my spirituality. I've recently strengthened my lifelong connection to Hermes, and am beginning to do similar for my lifelong connection to Bastet.

I am a twitch streamer. Currently, my schedule (which is subject to change as life does) is twice a week, usually:
Monday + Wednesday,
At loosely 3 pm Pacific for ~2 hours (give or take).

I used to stream lots of TFT, but have stopped since Riot made their basically-a-virus anticheat mandatory. I peaked at Platinum 3.

I mostly stream JRPGs (or JRPG-styled games) like Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy VII (not to mention Epic Battle Fantasy 5),
Minecraft,
Stardew Valley,
Art,
Miscellaneous Just Chatting streams (from working on my blog to documenting my plurality),
And my Writing of my novel.

I create poetry and songs frequently, and am looking to constantly better my streams and community.

I am known in most places as rBree2.
Here's where you can find me.
I'm writing this blog on weebly, where it will be mirrored to the other sites I post on. All Too Human is the original blog, as that was a name I thought up ten years ago to describe me and my experiences. (And in hindsight, it was the perfect representation of me. Just...human.)

I post a lot of my random thoughts on my main Twitter, which is a blog-lite.
I also have an alt-account Twitter, where we usually are documenting plurality stuff.
My streams are done on twitch on twitch dot television slash rBree2.
I upload my vods, shorts, clips, and hopefully will be branching into content creation, all onto my one YouTube channel, Bree's Video Range.

I put my shortform content onto TikTok, where I sadly couldn't get rBree2 but did get rbreelewis2.
I plan on eventually uploading edited versions of my videos as well as my art to my Instagram.
I've taken to creating spontaneous rambles as provided by the algorithm timeline on my Threads account.

I may eventually create paid content for my Ko-Fi which currently is a free mirror of the majority of my content both blogs and social media posts.

I don't use them for anything unique, but I do have a Mastodon and a Bluesky for mirroring my social media content.

I have a community discord (not going to give the link here), and my discord username is rBree2, as well as a reddit for my content creation (currently mostly my clips).

If you want to find me on steam, just look for rbree2.
If you want to gift me something, I do have a throne.

And finally, for these blogs elsewhere, you can also find them mirrored onto wix.
I also post them to my reddit profile.
I'm exploring posting them to Cara. (Although it's looking like I can't, which...oh well, I guess.)

So, that's me in a nutshell. Thank you for your time. Hope this was worth it for you. And if not, then I will do what I can to make it so in the future. Thank you for bearing with me. <3

My watch broke, any we don't have the funds to replace it.

Our creamer went bad, and we don't have the funds to buy more.

We're running out of most of our food, including for lunch, and don't have the funds to buy more.

We can't find a lot of things, need to clean more.

We dealt with a lot of stress.

I ended up not wearing my uniform's shirt to work, needing to use a spare.

I was late to work.

I got hit by wave after wave of depression, each worse than the last--the kind of depression which would drag me down even if everything was perfect in life, and because things are terrible right now, it was all the worse.

Tonight, I streamed Stardew Valley, intent on it helping--but the stream was so scuffed that I ended up only feeling worse after.

I wasn't able to attend most streams I wanted to today and felt like a failure.

I'm just...

...like...

...this is a Monday of all Mondays.

Can't I have good things happen?

I didn't have literally nothing good.

I made a plurality breakthrough today.
I still streamed.
I got some good clips from the stream, or at least clips which would've been good if not for the scuff.

I am blogging today, for the third in a row.
Especially impressive since I streamed today!

My fiance made good dinner tonight and nailed a perfect cup of mocofftea--mocha coffee with tea in it.

And after I finish this blog, we'll be taking a shower, to wash the bad vibes away.

So, not all bad news.

It's just...can't I catch a break? Please??? I desperately need one. I need things to be going right. Just once. Please?

I'm trying. It's not like I'm slacking and just praying/hoping for a magical answer. I'm putting the work in. Can it please for once actually pan out??? We...desperately need it.

I keep on wanting to make a perfect blog entry to return to blogging rather than just doing blogging with is plenty good on its own. A single line of a blog post is better than no blog at all, after all.

However, there has been other factors, like the strong call to play Stardew Valley consuming me--if not for my game glitching/breaking, I would still be playing right now, instead of writing a blog. And I can't write a very long one, either, because between how close it is to bedtime and how long it takes to post to five or six different places (weebly blog, wix mirror, ko-fi blog, reddit post, youtube community, and maybe more?), I don't have much time to write the blog itself.

But I will say this much at least.

I am at least doing okay.

I'm obviously neglecting a lot of the aspects of my life, mostly various self-care things (largely the same ol' hygiene ones), but I'm doing more than I am not doing.

I'm largely staying on top of life.

I'm streaming to my schedule every single week.

I fixed the encoding issue I was having for recording videos and plan to start recording tomorrow.

Financially, things are really tight.

But I continue to make spiritual and plurality-based breakthroughs.

I have picked up extra hours at work and should in theory be getting a pay raise.
I am making progress on my twitch and discord.
I am branching out on my social media presence.

I have started progesterone, and am doing all of my healthcare and workouts.

I did have a, very good, but also very rattling conversation.

It basically was like a therapy session. It was a call with a friend, but left me wrecked in a good way.

My body has an uncontrollable shaking when certain stressful/anxiety/fear/overwhelmed/shutdown situations happen. I just kinda bluescreen, shake uncontrollably, and tremble, where I feel some deep fear, some deep emotions, and feel like a bunch needs to be unpacked by the experience.

I've had that for every car accident I've been in, most notably the January 2014 one which helped me realize I'm trans.

I've had that for when I came out to my family.

I've had that for when I confess my feelings--and also confess to others I have those feelings for someone.

And I've had that for when I've had the heart-sinking realization I just lost people I love from my life forever.

It's not an inherently negative thing.

What it is, is very clearly a trauma response.

And having it during the conversation we had made me realize...

...I have a lot more trauma to unpack than I ever thought.

I have so much work left to do in working through my damaged self.

​BUT, the bright side of this, is, no day has dropped below a 6/10. I've had moments where I've had negative mental at times, and at one point may have briefly dropped to 4/10 for half an hour or so, but I've been having lots of 10/10 days and just have been feeling all sorts of positivity and joy.

I did want to blog about a few things. Notably having made a rather longterm mistake I promised not to make again. I tend to get too longwinded and too overwhelming in giving my love to others. I realized I had been doing this for months upon months, and probably getting worse and worse at how severe it is, and that I need to restrain myself to levels that are more considerate--and also, pursue giving those in a medium more appropriate.

That was the tipping point for inspiring me to make my videos, which I should be starting tomorrow. Long messages in discords help some, but to others give them anxiety and stress and bombard them with more than they can handle. If I am to help those people I was helping before, I need to do so in a format where it doesn't harm those who I was harming before. And videos are a perfect format for accomplishing that.

I may not reach those I did before, but I can also give them shorter messages with longer videos for those who need them.

​So I'm going to be doing that.

I am going to get better and better at being empathetic and understanding to others.

There's some things I will never understand. I wrote a longwinded ramble which got longer and longer with time with the longest version being posted to the YT communities, about how I don't understand why people tend to lose their idealism, lose their sight of the good, etc. In that they tend to overcomplicate things and make them worse, despite how I do understand at the same time. (It's hard to explain. But basically, I get it, but at the same time, I can't understand it.)

​I will never understand everything. I will never understand hatred, understand forgetting all that is good in the world, etc. But I will still understand the people. I can understand the people even if I don't get it, if I don't get why they lost sight of the joy and positivity.

But I will be improving.

​I got big inspired for my novel. I am trying to see other perspectives and work with them more and more. I am opening up, being more transparent, more willing to share, etc.

I am growing.

I have a lot to give.

And I am beginning to heal.
I'm beginning to also accept that while the perspective of others are valid and their true beliefs, they can be wrong, and I should trust myself, my instincts, my sense of things--and my sense of myself is that I am exactly who I have always been, a kind caring empathetic person who wants to be a Breeacon of light bringing joy and positivity.

I can understand others don't see me that way. Everyone has skeletons in the closet, getting a direct view of mine sours their view, making their perspective more negative. Seeing the bad makes it easy to forget the good, and all the flaws, all the imperfections, being on full display makes it easy to believe that's indicative of who I am. Or even if not, that it's too late, that it's a bad match, etc.

...but while I can understand they see things that way...I don't have to agree. Respect, yes! I have to respect they see me that way, they see things that way, etc. But I don't have to agree. I can see myself and disagree with their view, because I can and do believe most people are good, including me, and despite the flaws are more good than bad, including me, and that I can think myself good despite the flaws.

I am rambling here, but I am going to keep going in life.

I have my rough spots, but...I am going to get stronger and stronger.

Tomorrow, I'm going to record videos.
I'm going to continue typing my plurality and working on my novel.
I'll cut down on Stardew Valley.

I'll fill gaps with work, art or writing.

I can do it.

​And it starts now.

I've been tired, exhausted, and overwhelmed, mostly, and been trying to get back into writing blogs similarly to how I've been trying to get started recording videos and I've been trying to do that about as much as we (me and my fiance) have wanted to knock out doing wedding planning. 

Speaking of which, here's a link to our GoFundMe. Weddings are expensive, and we desperately need the funds. I'm not gonna lie to y'all...our financial situation is...pretty bad rn. Like, really bad.

Back in July of 2023, I had in the range of $40,000 saved up.

We're down to less than $500, and despite efforts to cut spending and despite efforts to get more money, the bank balance is continuing to shrink and shrink. And worse...taxes have potentially cost us even more money. I messed up in a way which might cost money, and the taxes I owe are an extra $150 even without the screwup. We genuinely might not be able to make rent this month.

I'm normally the optimistic one. I'm normally the idealistic one. I'm normally the hopeful one. I'm normally the one who goes "it's going to be fine". It's going to work out, it'll be okay, etc. And, in the grand scheme of things, it will be. Even if we do end up not having enough for rent, it won't magically be the end of the world. It'll be bad, yes. There's no getting around that. But it's still not going to be the end of us.

Still, that does mean things are going to be difficult. Not something which we are going to be crushed by, but we are struggling. We legitimately may end up having a courthouse wedding where it's just a legal proceeding with people gathered there, and then that's it, that's all we can do. Which would be okay. My fiance, the love of my life, is all that matters to me. They are the most important person to me, and spending the rest of my life with them is all that I care about in the end. The means, the method, those can all change. That we will be together is going to be a given. And no matter the means, there will be a marriage. We are getting wed.

It's just that...to get the wedding we want, we're going to need help. It sucks to ask for help. Nobody wants to. I especially don't like it, and my fiance is similarly a chronic people pleaser. We are so used to helping others we don't like to accept help ourselves. But like...here, we have no choice but to.

Like I said--we will have a wedding no matter what, but on our own...by ourselves...we can't fund the wedding we want to have. So, we have to ask for help here, no matter how much we don't want to.

And...we do need more money than what we are getting right now.

Allegedly, I should be getting a raise, but I'm not sure when it's going into effect or if it's going to be enough.
And I can maybe get an hours increase, if my workplace is okay with me going up to 35 hours instead of the 28 I am currently working. It would be brutal and we would hate it--it would mean one less day free, basically having no ability to have a life outside of work.

​We'll find a way, somehow, to get by. And we have backup options if nothing works out as-is. "It's going to be okay" is applicable.

​But...we really really could use the help, because we are struggling. There is a lot we would have to give up if we can't keep the apartment we have now. 

I don't want to make our financial struggles the focus of my return to blogging tho. I do want to focus on a lot of the good. There's a lot of bad, from the taxes screwup costing us $200+, and our inability to get more money going. But, a lot of good still has been happening.

I am going to begin taking progesterone.
My medical treatment has been good.

Mentally I've consistently been at least a 6+, sometimes even having days as a 10.

I don't have nearly as much bad brain days as I did before. I'm moving on with my life, and accepting that I am actually a kind, caring person, who speaks from the heart.

I made the loose draft of a poem, albeit needing to be reorganized with a few lines finished.


Let's share the prototype.
​Words are what I’m known for giving,
Words are me, just living.



Words are what I craft daily,
Words I do my best sharing.


Words compose stated intentions,
So words are the greatest invention.


Words share what we mean,
Words matter, heard or seen.


Words are expression, they are feels,
Words are there, no matter what life deals.


Words are all that I have ever had,
Words are on what I stand.

My only skill is the words I weave,
Yet skill it is, I now believe.


Words I use are always imperfect, 
Yet I show my love despite the defects.


Words are funny, with some play;
My talent with words earned me a fiancé. 

Words are how I show my yearning, 
Words are proof of my earnings. 



I give wisdom, from my words,
Words are how I share what I’ve learned.

Words carry such healing power, 
Words give strength to what matters.


Words can fail, especially in the moment,
Yet words are there, and their love proven.


Words are what I use despite their limits,
What words can do is infinite.


When I speak words, it’s from the heart;
They give my love, to impart.


Words are more, when given time;
Together they’re love, when combined. 


Words are my compass, guiding


Words kind
Mine


They say "speak with actions, not with words",
But my words ARE actions, I have learned. 


My shadow words can bring hurt,
Selfish pain, fire burns.
Yet the brighter words shine more true,
Words of healing which get through.

Words are more than what I write.
Words are love, when given time.


Words I can’t always give in full form free, 
Yet I have words even when I don’t speak.

Words are beautiful, spoken from the heart,
Words are lovely, they are an art.


Words often seem useless as they repeat,
Yet words can stave off a defeat.

Words are wonderful and neat,
Words can help things be complete.


Words are how I express my joy,
Words my story, and how I’m coy.


Words are how to say "I love you",
And words are how we speak our truth.








I am words, and words are me.
And I think those words, lovely.



As I said, I still need to refine it, reorganize it, finish it, basically polish it to be better. But, you get the idea.

I'm inspired--I have music I want to write.
I have a desktop to finish setting up (add that to the list of things to build).
My streams are getting better and better.
Stardew Valley is going well for me.

I am learning to appreciate my fiance more and more.
I am celebrating them more and more.

I am undergoing spiritual awakenings.
I am learning more and more about our plurality.

I am sharing more, educating more, and giving more and more affirmations.

In nearly every goal in life, I am getting better and better at it.

I'm doing well on my workouts.

Two of my friends officially got together. They are the second and third most important people in my life, I think, after my fiance who is the most important person to me. And we frequently vibe together and watching their relationship flourish makes both me and my fiance giddy, as we can see our own journey in the journey our friends are going through. And we're here for them and supporting them and so damn happy for them.

And I even have a new updated Smug emote.

Today is hovering at about a 3/10. Maybe even a 2/10. I'm pretty badly off rn, is what I mean.

I'm...feeling like not existing rn, tbh. Which is...always scary. I'm struggling hard to fight off "safe mode", but I can feel the likes of Michelle ready to wrap my in a protective shell because of the pain I'm in.

There's a lot going into it.

I was struggling with depression yesterday without a cause. It had no thoughts, it was just there. It seemed to be worse when I was out and about, so I was hoping today resting in my house would make things better.

It didn't.

It made it worse, and that's in part because of all of my thoughts today.

And it's a slough of bad.

The pain in lost friendships flared up big time. And the thoughts of it being justified. Me wondering about everything I have done wrong. Me wondering what I am continuing to do wrong. And it brings to mind thoughts of. "These people think their lives are better off without me in their life...so maybe I should give that to them."

And the way I would give that to them is...

...Well, I'm not going to beat around the bush. It was a suicidal thought. These people mean so much to me and I love them so much and they want nothing to do with me so why bother existing at all, if I stopped existing it'd be giving them what they apparently want from me.

And I know, I said I wouldn't blog on that subject anymore, but given my mindstate and my struggle to escape it today, I felt I had to.

It gets worse, too. I'm feeling like I'm failing across the board. I'm failing to engage in friends' streams. I'm failing to engage in the streams of safe spaces. I'm not successfully juggling streams. I'm not balancing my life.

I'm not really attending a watch party with my fiance and our close friend. I'm there, but not THERE there.

I'm feeling myself slipping.

Further and further down.

And it's scary.

And I'm terrified again.

And I'm just so worried I'm going to cave again.

I'm still spending too much. I'm slowly bleeding money. I had multiple tens of thousands saved up, and I'm down to only a small fraction of that, a few thousand, which is shrinking even more with every purchase I make.

I'm not eating properly.
I'm not staying on top of my meds or hygiene.
All the progress I've made, it's been washed away. I've regressed.

I'm not cleaning the apartment. It's a complete mess.

I'm not paying the bills. Bills that are likely overdue.

I'm not functioning at all.

I feel like I keep losing more and more of what matters.

And I am terrified.

I know I can talk to my fiance about it, and probably will if these feelings persist.

But I just feel like I am a failure right now.

I'm not streaming to my schedule.
I'm not doing work stuff I should.
I am not keeping the people who matter to me, and not showing them that they matter.
I am doing nothing which is good.

And I know.

A lot of that is the depression talking.

I know.

A lot of that is just the pain of loss.

I know.

A lot of that is fueled by the pain and sadness of only being human with a finite amount of time and energy and ability to focus on places.

​I can't be everywhere all at once.

So of course I'm going to have some losses.

But I'm still in a very deep pain.

And scared.

I have so much to live for.
I have so much to do.
I have a wonderful life going for me.
A beautiful, wonderful, amazing fiance, who is the best part of my world, and who sees me as the entirety of their world.
I made twitch affiliate, and have started to make a good discord from it.

I have many wonderful friends, friends who still love me and appreciate me and think that I am amazing and incredible.

I have such beautiful, wonderful ideas, ideas I want to make a reality because they never will be without me.

I have a grand ambition, to connect the people in various aspects of my life. From mafia to art to twitch, to build a space where all of them can connect.

I want to build a space for the plural folk across twitch to connect.

I want to build a community. A space of connectivity, of learning, of empathy, of love.

I want people to have that space, to vibe, to exist, and be brought together with others.

And I have a good start.

Literally last night I added twitch integration to my discord, albeit rudimentary.

I'm making all of those quality of life improvements and they are going to build into something amazing eventually if I keep up at it.

...I...

...am struggling to keep myself afloat by reminding myself of it all.

But it's hard.

The pain is there. It's strong. It's leaving me living in fear. Fear of loss, but also fear of myself. I ask myself every day, "what will I lose next", and then ask, "what loss will be the loss to cause me to finally cave to despair for good".

​I have good coping mechanisms.
I remember all of the advice from my spirit guides.

I should not put time/effort/energy into those who don't want it from me.
I should heal from the past.
I am enough as I am.
I do deserve good things.
I am worthy of love.
I am talented.

I can remain busy with my work.
It's okay to take time for myself.

Probably more, since I don't actually remember it all. But I remember the vast majority of it, and focusing on it is a survival mantra.

I am loved.
I am worthy of love.
I do good things.
I am good.
I am better than I know at helping others.
The advice I give to others applies to myself: I am loved by more than I know, I make an impact more than I will ever know, and deserve happiness.

I have a fiance, the love of my life, who is here to help me, support me, and love me, as I am. As good enough.

I can recognize these thoughts as thoughts born of a combination of depression and imposter syndrome. Knowing this, I can know that I am better than my head would have me believe.

Although altogether, that's what's keeping me from dipping into a 1/10 or 2/10, and can maybe elevate me to a 4/10.

So, today is a bad day. A painful day. A rough day. I keep asking myself what I should do, and I keep on coming up blank. I don't know.

But, I'll think of something. I'll survive.

​And I hope you can, too. <3

I've mostly been just doing stuff. Nothing important or meaningful, really, but just getting through together.

My mindset has improved exponentially, I've not dropped below 6.5 today, and I don't think I will, no matter what. The affirmation worked. I am spending time on those who want me to spend time on them, rather than those who don't.

There is something that felt a bit disconcerting, perhaps alarming, because it felt akin to Michelle. I didn't enter safe mode, but what I did have was basically an alarming response in response to thoughts/feelings. It felt like a presence similar to Michelle, but...happier? Or maybe more apathetic? Or maybe more selfish? It was something I can't describe right now, other than really it was an instinctive immediate protection mechanism of some kind, similar to Michelle, but less disaster-mode. Not a safe mode. A conditioning of some kind.

I don't know what it was, but the result wasn't bad. When Michelle fronts, it feels like it's because bad things have happened, and her presence is alarming. But when this happened, it felt like it was not a bad thing, despite the alarming similarity to Michelle in feeling.

It basically was holding myself to a promise. It basically was making a pact with myself, I think. I think I might have accidentally made a form of pact with myself yesterday, one which has incredible power but which has set in motion me being held to it automatically. And, like...it's not a bad thing. But it feels like I tapped into something potentially dangerous yesterday. I dunno. I don't think it was harmful or innately malevolent or malicious or in any way bad. Just...volatile.

I feel changed somehow. I don't know how. It's scary, but that change feels like it's not a bad thing. I just let go. I'm not holding myself back anymore, I'm not dwelling, I'm not lingering. Every time I briefly have thoughts, and they do still happen, there's an immediate dismissal of them.

Perhaps the dismissal isn't a healthy healing mechanism. It feels potentially dangerous. But it also feels like, to some extent, it's not a bad thing, and not a harmful thing. The people who don't want me in their life, don't want me in their life. So I shouldn't try to be in their life. And I shouldn't think of them as a result. The only reason to think of them is to be mindful, to respect their boundaries, to respect their space, and I do that by not going into their spaces, not interacting with them, not talking to them, not looking how they're doing, not bothering them, not thinking of them, etc.

​And I have already put in the work on my end. I know they don't believe me. I know they don't give me the benefit of the doubt. I know they think I am terrible. I know they think I haven't displayed my change in actions beyond words. I know they believe I am not worth having in their spaces, in their lives. I know not to arrogantly think I am better than I am. I know not to think I am perfect. I know better to assume I'm not still making mistakes. (I know I still am, although what those mistakes are, I'll likely need to be told.) I know better than to think I am perfect. I know I still have a long way to go. I know they are still hurt. I know they are still healing. I know they are still protecting others. I know they are trying to do the right thing. I know my attempt to do the right thing isn't perfect.

I know, I know. I think you get the idea. I know. I have to always be mindful, of me, of my imperfections, of my work, of what I need to do, of everything.

But I also know I am not in the wrong for having self-worth. It's factual I messed up big time, but it's also factual I know I did, it's also factual me knowing I messed up has left me with lifelong regrets, and it's also factual I have learned from my mistakes. It's factual I have grown. It's factual I have improved. It's factual I am better than I was. It's factual I was in the wrong; it's factual I know I was in the wrong; it's factual I have worked to atone; it's factual I am working to be a wonderful human being; it's factual I have done a lot of good, especially since awakening my heightened empathy.

​And while they may not believe it. I know it's true. So I know thinking myself terrible does nobody any good. I am a flawed person, to be sure. I am not a bad person. I am not a terrible person. I am a good person, and I will do a lot of good--to any who will have me in their life for me to do that good. And they are plenty.

I need to always continue the work to better myself, and make sure I don't regress. Part of that is monitoring this mindset and making sure it doesn't become toxic. But, I know I already am better, and if anyone can't see I am better, then I should not need to prove it to them, especially when they don't want me to try. I don't need to prove my worth. I don't need to give my time to those who want none of it.

I realize this mindset is very volatile. It's very easy to go terribly wrong. Again. I need to be mindful. I need to be careful. I need to always watch myself. I need to always make sure I am not regressing. I need to make sure I am not causing harm. I need to always make sure I am trying to do the right thing. I need to make sure I am always showing respect. I need to make sure I am always displaying love and empathy. I need to make sure I am always helping, not hurting. I need to always pursue the path of greatest good.

I need to always be aware of my flaws, my shortcomings, of how I am perceived, of how my words are interpreted. I need to always be mindful of my impact, to ensure my ripples are positive rather than negative. I have all of that work to always do, for the rest of my life. It will never be easy.

But I don't need to make it harder by flooding my thoughts with those who don't want me to be in their life, who would rather me not be thinking of them. That does a disservice to them and it's a disservice to me.

I know I am putting in more work than ever before in helping others. Those who don't want my help are valid for not wanting it, and I will respect them, and honor their wishes. But those who want my help are always going to receive it, and I will help myself too.

I know I'm probably not explaining things well. But basically, there are those who see me as I am, all that I am, the bad and the good, and love me. They want to be in my life, they want to know me, and I will love them and embrace them and help them. There are those who don't see the good, and they are valid. They don't want to be in my life, and I will respect that; they don't want to know me, and while I will always have some love in my heart for them, I need to drop the level of love I have for them down to the bare minimum. They don't want my help, so I shouldn't try to give them it.

I'm rambling a bunch but what I'm getting at here is that everyone is valid, and everyone's perspectives about me are important. Yet that includes my view of myself, and I know what I want to focus on. I don't want to give my time to those who want none of mine, but to everyone else I will give my heart to them all.

I have a lot of love to give to this world.

And if you read this blog, rest assured; you do too.

You are probably better than I am.

And even if you think you're worse, you can take a cue from my example as a way to better yourself. You are better than you think you are, and you can help others more than you ever realize. You are filled with such incredible love, and give it to more than you know.

I have a lot I need to learn, a lot I need to improve, and I'm sure you feel you do too.

But just as I am doing my best to achieve that, so too are you. And you will do that work more than you realize and help those who need your help. <3

I keep losing time, although I don't really know what to.

I've mostly no work this month, so in theory, I have nearly unlimited free time. However, in practice, time keeps on slipping away from me.

I've been doing decently on everything, but not really great.

I got back into playing mafia, but I feel lackluster.

I am largely doing mafia obligations, yet I feel I could do more.

I am doing better at attending streams, but still not doing great.

I am doing better at being on top of discords, but still have work to do.

Me and my fiance are still not doing a lot of life stuff we should, and it's mostly my fault. I enable some bad spending habits, and we don't really have the funds for it. We're losing money over time because we're spending too much and not making enough, yet I've not changed our habits significantly.

We need to clean more and cook at home more, yet I'm not pulling my weight.

I need to brush my teeth, and I haven't been.

I need to be streaming more regularly, but I'm not.

On the bright side, I did hit affiliate--so I'm putting in the work to make my streams work. I'm in the laborious process of setting discord up the way I want it to be (it's a big process), which is a lot of effort, but I'm going through it slowly and steadily. I got three emotes uploaded, although one needs to be redone completely with a proper art program because I botched it. (The other two were memes and I've already redone them.) I made channel points rewards.

I'm not showing people the fruits of my labor yet, but when it's up and running, it's going to be great. I still need to figure out sound alerts and install the ones I want, but I'm getting there gradually.

I've had plurality breakthroughs, and understand how my system works.

I want to do a proper write-up later but for now a copypaste will have to do.

We know what our headspace looks like now.

We have The City, a central Hub that connects all the various worlds and biomes to each other. It’s an amalgamation of every city we saw as a child (namely Seattle, Bellevue, and Everett, with other PNW cities mixed in plus Detroit), combined with numerous fictional Depictions of cities.

The City connects to biomes such as The Endless Forest, The Hills, The Mountains, The Farm, The School(including The Playground), The Desert, and The PNW, among many others.

It also connects to every world we have ever invented.

In the middle of The City, there’s The Tower, which at the top has The Chatroom. This tower is a spiral tower at the bottom which transitions to a scifi tower reminiscent of Stargate Atlantis's Atlantis main tower, in that it is vaguely shaped like a squareish gigantic radio antennae.

The Chatroom is our fronting room. It acts like an oldschool online chat room. Nobody is ever truly there, but they can project an avatar of themselves there, where they can meet and chat, regardless of their current location or time.

From here, people can "front", but because they aren’t really there, they never assume full control of the body.

The body, from here, channeling all of its residents, can create an avatar of itself. This avatar can be either a visible third person, able to actively interact, or an invisible first person, passively observing.

That avatar of the body, created from The Chatroom, can do things like walk on air, viewing our headspace. It can talk to anyone in any location, regardless of time or space, so someone who is in The Chatroom and effectively fronting can talk to themselves in a different time by viewing the viewpoint of the avatar of our body.

I need to get back into blogging regularly and I need to get the mirror blog back up to date.

Today I went and added extra socials. Bluesky, Mammoth?, and Threads, as well as Instagram. I also did ko-fi.

I need to link all of my content again and start building my brand, so to speak. I'm putting in a lot of the legwork and getting a lot done, but I still have a long ways to go. I feel like I am wasting my time somehow still, because I am flying through the time each day. It's not nearly as productive as I want to be, but I am still doing the work I need to, albeit slower than I want.

Nothing is going great, but most things are going okay. 

I will be going on a double date on Friday, leading into a Sapphic Valentine's Day dance party. It's something I'm both very nervous about and also very excited. I have a lot to get done, and a lot I'm not doing as much as I should, but I am trying. Life is lifeing. It's a struggle, but I am doing a fairly good job.

I'm not helping people as much as I want to be. I'm still doing good work though, I know it.

I have creativity and ambition and all kinds of passion. I owe it to the world to make it manifest.

Weebly did its biweekly logout of me again so I got to check my stats semiunwillingly again. From the looks of things it's potentially possible I'm getting maybe one or two viewers, for whatever reason, but I doubt it. If I did, then thank you. I mean it. I never have anyone read what I write so it means a lot to me that you do.

I feel like I should mention this though. No, I don't willingly or obsessively track those stats. I basically just have them thrust upon me whenever I'm logged off and come back in. And you remain anonymous. I can't see any info about who did. I just unwillingly see it once every two weeks, and because nobody views my blog, if there's anything suggesting someone might have, it stands out.

Basically, because nobody cares enough to read what I do, if someone does, it leaves a ping, and that ping is something I'll see once every two weeks when I log back in to weebly. If my viewership weren't consistently zero, even if it were just consistently one or two, I wouldn't see anything; if weebly didn't log me out and put the stats screen there when I log in, I wouldn't see anything. It's only because I know nobody reads my blog from said stats that someone reading my blog stands out.

Given how things played out in December, that does always give me some paranoia of "oh no...what did I say wrong this time", wondering if I'm handing material to people to justify canceling me. But while that fear may be justified given it has probably permanently cost me the closest friendships in my life and left me with a lasting hole in my heart that will likely never heal...

...at the end of the day, I know most likely, any viewers wouldn't be here to see the bad. Not anymore. That ship sailed. That happened in December. Now, there's only those who are around for other reasons. So I should be quelling that paranoia. Instead of panicking and going "oh no...what did I do now??? Can't I just, for once, stop messing up???", I should be shifting to what is more likely:

Someone actually looked at my blog and by some miracle, thought I was worth listening to.

Like...it's just words. Boring words. Longwinded words. Inefficiently structured words. Surely it's boring to go through. And I do see that in the pages viewed, I only get two pages per visit viewed at most. So like...I know people don't stay for long, but it's possible they're staying just long enough to see it, and probably go, "meh", but if not, if interested, then I should have a different response.

I know I'm probably a bore. I know that the reactions are likely "meh" or "this is neat, but I don't have the time to go through it all rn", but there's a different attitude I should be taking, and that is:

Thank You.

Thank you for coming by.

Thank you for showing interest, even if you end up not sticking around.

Thank you for giving me a chance, no matter how brief.

Thank you for visiting.

Thank you for checking me out.

Thank you for finding me interesting enough to check out my blog.

I'm sorry it's not better.

I'm sorry I'm not doing more than I do.

I'm sorry there's nothing more interesting than this. It is just my random thoughts for the day.

But like...it still matters. You matter. You came here and that means something piqued your interest to go out of your way to find me here and see what I'm about.

As it turns out what I'm about is going on longwinded rambles that bore people and leave people unable to read it all. Nobody can get through my blog. Nobody, not even me. I can't go through my blog, how could anyone else? I'm just that longwinded, I'm just that boring, I'm just that hard to read. But like--you still tried, for however brief a period, and that matters.

I know nobody will get to this section of this particular blog post. You'd have to somehow see this entry and see this middle section buried by the start and buried by the stuff after. But like--you still gave it your best, and that means a lot. You mean a lot. You are valuable. You do good work. You do good things.

You are good, and thank you for giving me a chance.

I do hope I can be worthy of it.

And I can say that I am going to strive to be worthy of that chance.

I'm trying to go on my own journey of growth. I've already grown a lot, but I've room to go yet. On a spiritual level and on an inner understanding of my system level, I still have a lot to learn. I know I'm strongly spiritually and have an immense spiritual attunement particularly surrounding Seleste, but running throughout all of me even those not involved in the spiritual.

I know I am not the know-it-all expert on the spiritual. I have developed what I feel are some pretty good personal beliefs about the spiritual (beliefs I've meant to share for years, and which continue to evolve and grow and be refined), but they're personal and I know better than to assume my beliefs are in the right. I know spirituality is at its root about connecting, connecting to people, connecting to the world, connecting on a higher level, etc.

I know that every person has a self which is important, and that ideally the self is in balance with connecting to others. Neither too much focus on the self without connecting to the grander world, nor too much to try and sabotage the self in favor of the grander world. Ideally in balance, with both the self and the world existing in equal importance, loosely speaking.

I'm still figuring out how to attain that balance myself. I know I am capable of doing a lot more good than I am, but I also know I need to be taking much better care of myself, too. I need to figure out how to balance the two, to make myself be healthy and have the spare energy for others to help them and make the world a better place for it.

I still think, though, that I am ready to grow into my role. As a guide, as a teacher, as a friend, as a voice of reassurance, as someone who can provide perspective and be a presence, just a presence, helping and being uplifting. Bringing that joy and positivity to others who have a desperate need of it.

I know my takes are not going to be perfect, nor are they always going to be welcome. So I always need to approach with the level of caution of saying as much, basically. I need to make sure I am okay to share my current perspective. But in spaces where it is acceptable, to people where they are open to it, I will share with them my view.

I am ready to let go of that bitterness. I am ready to let go of that hatred. I'm ready to let go of judging others by forced arbitrary standards. I'm ready to let go of condemning people for not being perfect. I'm ready to let go of anger. I am ready to forgive myself. I am ready to let go of self-loathing. I am ready to accept myself as I am, and the world as it is. To accept people as they are.

I know I can do it. That path of least harm and most good is something I've sought and struggled with. I still will struggle with it. I don't know what to do often. I don't know what the right thing is, if there even is one. There's something in particular I struggle with. Like, do I share the names of those involved in the mistake or don't I, do I share what happened or don't I, etc. I don't know if it's good to share or not. But, I am still going to try to do it.

On my own, I guarantee I will make mistakes. If by some miracle someone reads this and is upset I didn't do something they think I should have, or did something I shouldn't have, then all I can really ask of them is: please help me do better, then. I make fewer mistakes when I have the freedom to bounce the idea off of someone involved in the area I am struggling in.

I will do the best I can on my own. I work to better myself. I give everything I do so much thought--more than anyone will ever know. The mind of an AuDHD plural person is capable of doing in 24 hours what would take most 72+ to do. I can give things ten times more thought in half the level of time, and I do. I reflect. I consider. I approach from various angles and perspectives. I try to connect with my higher self, listen to my instincts, and follow the path of greatest good and least harm.

I try not to limit myself arbitrarily to invented concepts. I try to respect others and do the best thing by them. I try to do the right thing, always. But I am human, and I can never get it right all the time, least of all on my own. I am trying to open myself up to others. I am showing my vulnerabilities more, within the settings where it's acceptable to do so, and I'm trying my best to leave myself in a place where you can talk to me at any time.

My DMs are open on every platform at all times, especially discord.
I'm one chat away from being reached at any time.
I might make mistakes in terms of my understanding of boundaries. I constantly worry about one in particular. Every time I interact I'm wondering if I did too much and crossed the line; every time I don't interact, I worry I'm doing too little and not doing enough. For instance, someone set a boundary of not communicating with me but I know their birthday and wanted to wish them a good birthday. I'm opting for not wishing them because of not communicating, but that could be a mistake.

And I simply don't know, and there's no real way for me to really get good clarity here. I don't want to cross a boundary by asking too many questions about the boundaries, and I don't even know what to ask or what to really say. I don't know how to approach and get the clarity, so on my own, I'm just trying my best to do the right thing and I'm sure I'm making wrong calls on a lot of the specifics.

I'm really happy for my friends who have a lot of good going on, and really sad for my friends who have bad things happening, and I wish all of them the best, I really do, I want to give support to them all, I want to reassure the friends who have the bad and congratulate the friends who have the good, but I don't know what I am and am not allowed to say to them. They deserve the love and adoration I have for them all, but I know many probably don't want it from me because how I view them and how they view me is different.

I know that, I understand it, and I respect it--but I always want to do the best by them. I always want to do the right thing for them. And I'm never really sure what that is, especially on my own. A lot of these things, I'm basically alone in trying to guess. I don't know if I'm on the right track, or if I made a mistake. I only have my best guess.

So when I say please help me--that's what I mean. Please help me be better than I can be on my own. I am already trying my best on my own. If you think what I'm doing isn't enough, if you think what I'm doing is wrong, if you think what I'm doing is a mistake...then tell me, let me know, help me correct it. I try to correct myself on my own, and I think I'm pretty good at it, but I can never be perfect on my own, and the more help I get, the better I can be.

Basically. I am good, but to be elevated above what I am now, I need others to help me be even better. I naturally get better with time on my own, but others can help my growth be explosive, by helping refine things and help me hone in on specifics and help me deal with doubts or give me them where I previously hadn't had them.

This is the sort of thing I am trying to open up myself to be more vulnerable about, welcoming and accepting and even asking for the feedback. But, I also don't think it's good to just randomly approach someone and effectively trauma dump someone. I don't think it's good to just dump my problems on someone who hasn't invited me to do so. Especially if that person has set a boundary of minimal communication previously.

Which means...maybe this is a mistake, but my approach here is that I need you to approach me. If you don't let me know it's okay for me to, then I won't ever know it's okay for me to. I will always have that inner conflict, fighting over "this is not okay" and "this should be done", and I will never know which is right, I just have to guess. If requiring me to be approached is a mistake, I need you to tell me it is.

I am trying my best. I take my best guesses. But I am very much imperfect. I am flawed, and I always will be. I do my best, but my best will never be as good as it can be when I'm on my own. I can become better by being helped. I am asking for that help whenever I feel it's appropriate to ask, but I can make mistakes even there. I can ask for help when I shouldn't, and I can pass on asking for help when I should ask for help.

​But at the end of the day--I am working to build a self that is healthy, while building everything around me to be better. I am ready to embrace that path. Of empathy, of joy, of positivity, of connection, of creativity, of celebration and of support. I am working overtime on my own to elevate myself to the highest capability to do that I can, and I would love to have you alongside my journey to help me get there all the better and faster.

And I promise I can and will return the favor. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but this is one I know I can. I will return the favor and do the same for you. Any thoughts you have, any vulnerabilities you want to display, any weaknesses you have, any doubts you have, any challenges you face. As long as I live, I will be there for you. I will help you, no questions asked. I will give that to you, because you deserve it.

You are loved, and appreciated, and always worthy of my presence. As long as you are willing to have me, I will have you gladly. My heart is open. I refuse to close it off. I will accept you, no matter what. My love is unconditional, and I will be there. I will listen. I will learn. I will act. I will advise. I will do, whatever it is you need me to do, and I will help you. Because you deserve it. You deserve to exist, you deserve to be happy, and I will fight my hardest to help you be happy.

​I still have so much I need to do, so much yet to accomplish, but so do you, and together we can get it done. <3

Quick update tho; I'm not as mentally unwell as I was before! I was a 2/10, now I'm at least a 6/10. No need to worry about suicidal thoughts anymore today!

Michelle had come out to front as a shell, and Danielle was dangerously close. But now, Joy (with the help of Hera) is enough to keep at bay the bad.

Seeing my fiance even further boosted me up, so like...today is improving.

It will have a lot which is going to suck. I still have to cancel the hotel and the tickets. I am a week behind on my mafia obligations for judging and titling, not to mention double-checking reviews.

I am also going to be needing to get my blog mirror updated.

And like...living is hard, to be sure. So I won't be able to get fully fully better.

But.

I did get a callout in a tarot card reading.

Seleste was always remarkably strong. She was a voice we identified before we even knew there were as many as five of us. When we did, she was unofficially a sixth. She kinda got lost in the sauce when we realized we're over 250, but not in her strength. It wasn't that she got drowned out, it was that while we knew she was there, we didn't nurture her talent.

Until more recently, when it was time to let her skills flourish. I had listened to her for a long time. To have faith. To believe. Her insistence in The Traffic Gods being real. But this year, I decided to begin practicing witchcraft, by at least practicing tarot reading, channeling her to channel my guides.

And as it turns out...she is really good at it. She is a remarkably strong, powerful witch. She is very highly attuned to our guides and higher self. She is very attuned to all things spiritual and has honed her instincts--which...well, makes sense. We're a very spiritual person, despite having not practiced spiritually until now. Our strong spirituality had to have come from somewhere; it came from Seleste.

​And she is very good at getting readings like this one.

I know nobody reads my blog in general, so like, nobody's going to read this regardless, but in the unlikely event I actually get a reader for this blog post, I should go in assuming they don't know tarot or even if they do, they don't know the deck.

​Basically, it's a five card spread. It goes like this.

Card 1 (front and center), the current situation/problem/objective: I pulled The Fool--I want to follow my heart, filled with wonder. From this card alone I knew this was a strong, powerful reading and I was in for a good roasting from the cards.

Card 2 (to the left), working behind the scenes in the psyche/must be brought to light and utilized or released: I pulled The Empress reversed--so, the reverse of "realizing capacity to express beauty/nurturing others from power".

Card 3 (to the right), to focus on: Page of Wisdom--embarking on a new path sparked by curiosity and creativity. I literally want to stream and more, to write my novel. Also music, but mostly writing.

Card 4 (the bottom), something to develop/let go of to advance: Five of Intelligence--competition breeding conflict and divides us to create suffering. 

Card 5 (the top), resolution to the answer/shows what's needed to resolve the problem fully: Eight of Intelligence--untangling ourselves from guilty thoughts and self-punishment. This one explains itself if you've followed my blog since I started blogging again in December of 2023. (I mean, again, nobody does, but in theory, if you were to read my December through January blog posts, you know.)


So, basically, to achieve my goal for the year of bringing joy and positivity to all in my life, I need to pursue my passions, let go of conflict and any desire to 'win', and let go of the guilt I’ve been carrying for months.

I've been holding onto that guilt since July 2023. And I've been punishing myself for the same amount of time.

It's not going to be easy. But, I can do this.

I don't really have an ending for this, but I hope this can give some form of encouragement to others going forward, too.

Anyway, gotta try and follow advice.

Please, just...go away.

Danielle is both my pain and my anger. My bitterness, my resentment, my apathy.

She's more than that. Again, she's no malicious entity. She's benevolent and benign in her own ways, just tough love and selfish, with us as her top priority.

But she is amplified by pain and her anger feeds itself. 

So please. Just go away.

Please disappear. 

Danielle has the right to exist, to be sure, but she should never be venturing this dangerously close to fronting.

And yet, she is, because of how bad my pain is and her resulting anger that I am in pain. She is furious that I am in pain and wants to lash out at those causing the pain, despite how that would only make things worse.

So, to make things better...

...please...just...go away.

My pain.

Please, just disappear.

Leave me be.

I've got plenty to be happy about.

I’m depressed, but I shouldn’t be this badly hurting. 

So please. Let me live life.
Let me be happy. 
Let me do things my way.
Let the suffering go away.

Please.

I’m begging you. 

I don’t want to cry again. Not tears of sadness at least.

I don’t want to feel any form of anger.

I just want to be who I am meant to be. 

So please. Just...please. Go away.

Please.

And I don’t mean, go away by having me die.

Yes, I’m once again having suicidal thoughts. 

I’m BAD bad today.

So I’m begging myself. 

Please. Go away, pain. Haven’t I suffered enough? When will it be enough, the pain I’m going through? When will I have hurt enough?

I’ve paid my dues. I’ve gone through enough pain. Yes, I have made some terrible mistakes. And I deserve to feel bad for having done bad.

But not like this. 

So please. Let me live.