That said, the blog I'm going to write would, if viewed by some individuals, probably be viewed as mean-spirited, malicious, or even hurtful. To those individuals, I would simply like to say I always warned you I am a monster. You didn't believe me. I have always been a malicious person. I've always been mean-spirited. You never saw it because I deliberately suppressed it. You never saw it, because I wanted to believe in my heart that a person could change, that I had well and truly become a new person, a person devoid of the hatred, malice, and harm the past monstrous-me had.
Except, as it turns out. People actually don't change. No matter how hard they try. No matter how much they want to. No matter how much they delude themselves into thinking they are a better person. People remain the same person they always were, and any moment, any event, can reveal just how nasty the person claiming to have changed actually is.
I've never hidden that I am a monster. I've never hidden that I have monstrous thoughts. I've never hidden that I was one of the worst monsters ever known in the past, and that my friends would never want to have been friends with past-me, and if they knew the truth about how much present-me still suppresses in an attempt to be something better than the monster...they wouldn't want to be a friend with me even now.
So if those people think that this blog is mean-spirited, congratulations! Now, you have the proof I've always told you about. When people tell you who they are, listen to what they say. And with how nasty I am, unleashing my inner nastiness is an apt response.
Over the last five days, I've been filled with an overwhelming anger, one I want to say I've never had ever before, but which is more apt to say, I've not had since my days of being an unrepentant monster. And it's common across every facet of our system, too. When I say "I'm angry", what I mean is, in a seemingly-impossible feat, the entirety of my system is angry.
Vee almost never angers. And yet, she's furious.
Ruby, I don't think she ever canonically got angry. And yet, she is. A person who as far as we know has never known anger before, was taught anger by this week.
Phyrra, another who has never known anger, is furious. She's someone who never angers (Cyrus does, but Phyrra doesn't), and yet, she is angry.
Across our entire system, there is anger.
Morgan being angry isn't too uncommon. Ditto for Bella. They've a bad habit of being out in force when we're feeling frustrated, angry, etc.
But my entire system is filled with an overwhelming rage, that many facets simply don't know how to deal with, because they've never felt anger before. It's a foreign entity to them, having invaded. It's not a foreign entity to me. I know it well. The facet doing the writing right now? I'm familiar with it. I can take the pain of the rage. But plenty within my system cannot, they don't know how to deal with it, but they at least understand why we ARE angry, and agree our anger is understandable, and worth being angry for.
Anger is a disease, which consumes people. Including us. When we were at our most monstrous, we were fueled by unbridled rage, an anger which hurt everyone. And if we, at our most monstrous, were consumed by anger...what does it mean that our current self is consumed by anger? Well, quite simply, it means the monster is back and we're not even going to bother trying to hide it, to be honest.
We are angry. And we are a monster. So if you get hurt by us, so be it. We did warn you. We warned you this was the true us. We warned you we were really like this, underneath the surface. You didn't believe us, because you thought that we were exaggerating, you thought our bad anxiety disorders including impostor syndrome meant that we were making a small insignificant failure on our part into some overblown act of evil. But we told you this is our true self, and as it turns out, we weren't lying. So go ahead and feel hurt, feel shocked, feel surprised. This is what you get for having not listened to us.
That's a hell of a start to the blog. But it's just the preamble to the hurtful section.
For obvious reasons, I don't want to go into the details. But I will say this much publicly.
Right now, we have a friend in need. This friend has been ostracized from every space they were in--including having almost every friend of theirs, including their best friend, including their closest friends, including my own friends, turn their backs on them. To me, this is something I can never forgive them for.
The people not involved more intimately, I don't blame. If they didn't really know my friend, then acting to protect their communities when they believe their community is under threat, I can't fault them for. I can state I believe they are making the wrong choice, but I understand why they would make that choice and believe it to be the correct one.
To those who actually know the individual in question though...I don't think I can. Which is an instance of hypocrisy, because of what I'll be saying. Like I said. I am a monster. I'm a hypocrite. *I* can preach one thing while acting in violation of what I preach, because that's what monsters do and I am a monster. But I will say it now. I don't think I can forgive what I see as essentially the ultimate crime.
To me, friendship, actual friendship, is something sacred. There are plenty who I say are my friends. There are plenty who say I am a friend. But, there is a difference between people who occasionally interact with each other indirectly via spaces they share, and people who actively prove they are friends with their actions. Remembering details. Checking in on each other. Talking to them, exchanging contact information. Going to extra lengths to transcend the spaces they originally met, in order to connect on a deeper level than the superficial. Thinking of them even when away from the space, rather than thinking of them only in that space when they are around. Doing activities together, chatting, bonding.
The mark of a true friend is high, requiring basically all of the above. It has a level of trust in each other, a level of connection, a level of bond to each other. And when that bond is formed, it should be nearly impossible to break. When it comes to a friend, a true friend, a really good friend. To put it simply:
There is nothing I am unwilling to give up for a friend.
There is nothing I am unwilling to do for a friend.
My trust in my friends means I believe in my friends. I would move heaven and earth for the sake of a friend. There is nothing I wouldn't do for a friend. There is nothing I wouldn't give up, for a friend. The bond of friendship is that sacred to me. It wouldn't be friendship, if I didn't stand up for a friend. There's a quote from John Wick 4 which aptly says it best.
Friendship means little when it's convenient.
To be honest, I never thought I would be in a position which proved the philosophy. Yet here I am. There is a friend who being friends with right now is, basically, so to speak: an inconvenience. Yet that friendship would mean next-to-nothing if I let its inconvenience stop me from being a friend. Perhaps this isn't the best of wording. But what I mean by this is, friendship would mean nothing if I didn't stand by and support my friend in their time of greatest need.
My friend needs the help of their friends--now more than ever. And in their time of greatest need, most of their friends left them. Most of their friends abandoned them. Most of their friends turned their backs on them. Most of their friends broke that sacred bond. Most of those friends essentially went, "I wish them well in the next chapter of their life", cut them out, and went "it's unfortunate that they are going through this, but this is the consequences of their actions, they have hurt us, and we can't go through more hurt, and it'd be for the best for all of us to move on", more or less.
I'm sure if those individuals saw my description of them, they would find it unfair, my description of them. And feel hurt I would describe their actions that way. Well, I don't want to share the exact words and it's a very complex situation and it's hard to describe and it's not something I really should go into the details of, so those are all contributing factors, but frankly, refer to the preamble. I don't care. I don't care if they are hurt by my unflattering description of them. I don't care if they think my words are a disingenuous representation of the situation. I don't care if they think I am being unfair to them. I am a monster. Maybe that I would say these things about them will finally get the message through to them.
I am more of a monster than any of my friends would be. Including the one I am going to bat for, including the friend I am standing with, including the friend I am standing by. My friend is one of the kindest human beings I've ever known. My friend is one of the nicest, empathetic individuals I have ever known. My friend is good. I am not. This friend has been a contributing factor in me trying to be a better person than I am. This friend has been an inspiration to me.
My friend, in their time of greatest need, was abandoned by those they were closest to, because apparently their idea of friendship differs from mine. I believe my friend. I trust my friend. Now, I am not going to portray my friend as free of fault, or blame. My friend is human. As a human, they do make mistakes. The mistakes they made were very hurtful to others. This is true regardless. My friend did hurt others, including their friends. My friend caused a bunch of pain, to friends, to communities, and a level of hurt which the closer they were, the higher it'd be.
If I weren't a monster, I would have the empathy to understand how my friend's friends, who were deeply hurt, made the decision to prevent further harm to themselves. But I am a monster, so I don't accept that excuse. And it is largely because of two factors.
The first, quite simply, is because of the question of character. My friend is my friend. My friend is someone I have gotten to know. My friend is someone whose intentions and motives, are things which should be clear. My friend is a good person, and they have spoken up. So as their friend, I believe them. I trust them. To not trust them, to not believe them, IS to question their character. To invent a reason for their actions, which they swear wasn't what they were trying to do, is to call into question their honesty. It is to believe that they are not who they said they were.
To be clear, this friend did do harmful things, and did get caught in at least some lies. Yet there is a layer to lying. If you see a lie, and it is called out, and the person explains why they lied...then either you believe the reason for why they lied, or you think they are still lying. If you believe they are still lying...then you believe that the character of the person is not good. You believe the character of the person is in question.
The individuals involved said that it is both possible for the friend we've known to both be everything we know them to be, yet still be guilty of everything they've been accused of, more or less. That my friend is not a monster, that my friend isn't malicious, that my friend isn't a psychopath/sociopath who didn't mean to cause harm. But my friend's character IS being questioned. My friend asked to be believed, and these people...didn't. To believe my friend was a good person who didn't intend harm and whose intentions were good, is to believe that the friend we knew is the person we know. To not believe my friend's intentions were good, is to call into question the character of the friend who swears they were trying to help, and if you don't believe them when they say they were trying to help, what DO you believe?
The friend I know is a person who is kind, caring, and empathetic. Who does try to help others. Who does try to do the right thing. If you don't believe them when they say they were trying to, despite being a kind caring empathetic person being defining characteristics of this person, then you ARE essentially calling them a psychopathic monster who acted with malice, because you're not believing them when they say they didn't, and not believing them when their explanation matches their character. And by believing their explanation which matches their character is a lie, you are believing that the 'truth' is they didn't act in a way matching their established character...which means by proxy, you don't believe in their established character. Because if the established character of a person doesn't match the reasons for the action you believe, then you must not believe the established character is real.
They can and have argued the ideas can coexist. But they really can't. They genuinely, legitimately, are mutually exclusive. To believe in the character of the person is to believe in them when they say they did not act out of selfishness and malice. To believe they acted selfishly is to not believe them and to not believe them is to doubt their character because to not believe them when they say they didn't act selfishly is to believe they acted selfishly, despite their established character being that of an incredibly unselfish person.
If the established character of a person is that of an unselfish person and the person in question says they did not act selfishly, then that is a packaged deal of a profile. You cannot doubt one without doubting the other. Because if a person acted selfishly, then that means they are not as unselfish as their profile suggests.
My friend did great harm. It was not intended, yet it still happened. Not believing them when they say they didn't act with selfish intentions which caused malice is to not believe in them. And that is an abhorrent crime I don't think I can forgive. Especially since there's a second reason. I don't accept the excuse for a second reason.
And that reason is, quite simply: forgiveness. Ironically enough. I did mention I'm a hypocrite. In my monstrous state, I am guilty of the very sin I am ticked off at them for having done. To explain what I mean by forgiveness, it is quite simply this.
Even in the case where my friend was guilty of everything they are accused of. Even if they lied, and then lied on top of the lies. Even if they caused great harm. Even if they continued to act hurtfully in their desperation, causing even further harm. Even if every sin they are accused of they are guilty of. Even if it's all true.
If a person doesn't believe the individual is a monstrous psychopath. If a person doesn't believe the individual is a sociopath. If a person doesn't believe the individual in question is a bad person. If a person believes that the accused IS a good person, despite their crimes.
Then a refusal to forgive them is, itself, unforgiveable.
In my personal opinion, the idea of the person I know as my friend acting selfishly and causing malice is mutually exclusive with the idea that they are a good person. But even if you believe that the two ideas can coexist, then by virtue of believing the individual is a good person, then by virtue of them being a good person, they should not be treated as a bad person, as a monster, would be.
People are human. Most humans are good people. Good people make mistakes. Humans make mistakes. My friend made mistakes. Yet as long as there is belief that my friend is a good person...then it shouldn't matter what crimes they are guilty of. As a good person, they should be forgiven for having made mistakes.
You might think that's idealistic, or naive. That the world doesn't work that way. But at least on the scale of a friendship, it really does. If a friend makes a mistake, but is still a good person, then as a friend, you can and should forgive the friend for the mistake...because if you don't forgive them for their mistake...then what kind of friend were you?
Yes, I realize that when the wounds are at their freshest, forgiveness can be hard. But again. Friendship means little when it's convenient. If a friend makes a mistake, even a mistake which badly hurts you, but they are still a good person...then forgiveness is the bare minimum a friend can give. Forgiving a friend who hurts you is part of friendship. Recognizing your friend is human, and makes mistakes, even badly hurtful ones, is important.
This is one reason why Vee, the beacon of kindness in our system, is so miffed. (Well, she's not THE beacon, but she's among them.) Vee believes that as long as a person is able to be guided towards doing good...they should be allowed to do good. So if a friend has hurt people but is still a good person despite having messed up badly...they should be allowed to still do good, and be forgiven for having messed up.
That's a core part of friendship. A friendship that can't survive the turmoil of a turbulent situation where a friend makes a mistake is...not much of a friendship. I am willing to undergo any amount of pain, suffering, and hardship for the sake of a friend.
I am willing to lose friends, for the sake of a friend. By the same virtue of the above. If my friendship with them can't survive the turmoil of a turbulent situation, then the friendship was never as much of a friendship to begin with. My friend is worth keeping as a friend. They are not a terrible person. They are a better person than I am.
I am more monstrous, I am more malicious, than my friend. It may be an imperfect explanation, but I basically treat my friends like Luffy from One Piece does: nothing, nothing will stop me from helping them. If anything did, then they wouldn't be my friend.