I'm too tired and exhausted again. I don't know why, honestly. I should be getting enough food, and I didn't do much, but I feel extra drained again for some reason. I dunno. It might just be stress about all of the things I'm thinking of.

The main three being,
How to clean the apartment in three days;
Finances;
What happened last year and the bleedthrough into this year.

For the first, I dunno yet.
The second, "it's okay to need help" is essentially the mindset; I need to accept that I need to accept the help friends and family and loved ones have given.

And for the third...

"What was lost was not worth keeping", essentially.

I have been struggling with hypotheticals and thoughts of going public again. But my wife helped remind me, again, why we made the choice not to. We've got more important things to focus on. We've got a life to build. And most importantly of all...the people who are most important to us are the people who stay in our lives.

There are plenty of loved ones who value us. Who see us as us, and value us as friends. These people either heard us out, or just don't care what we did in the past. But in either case, they value the us we are now, the us we are as friends, they value the friendship, over anything we would have done in the past. (Most of which we're innocent of, mind you. Not all, of course! But most. To actually know we'd need to know exactly what we were accused of and then we'd be able to say, "oh yeah we're guilty of that" vs. "oh that's total bogus", but since nobody will share we largely just have to go off what we know and what we know is that we're humans who didn't do perfectly but also we're victims of a misinformation campaign, so. We know exactly what we did and didn't do and if ever asked would be able to say one way or the other for any given thing. It's just that nobody cares to--those who are our friends don't care to ask because they don't care and value us; those who cut us out don't care to ask because they don't care to hear our perspective, so nobody regardless of stance cares. So let the rumor mill go, it doesn't matter. It won't keep us from living our lives. But I digress.)

I still want to make a blog to air out some thoughts.

But also, I don't want to hyperfocus on it, for every blog to be about the past, what happened there. I can't rightly claim I'm moving on and focusing on the present and future if most of my blogs are focused on the past, now, can I? Yet at the same time, I also want my blog to be a means to share whatever is on my mind, and to be honest about it, and to be able to put it out there so I effectively delete it from my brain. To share in a form that is able to allow me to heal, and to explain my perspective.

After all, my perspective is one of ludicrous complexity.
I'll share what happened publicly, but not namedrop.
In private, I won't namedrop unless specifically prompted to confirm who I am talking about. (Basically, if people know who I'm talking about, I'll confirm, "yeah, that's who I'm talking about", but if they don't, I'm not going to namedrop.)
I don't want to spread my view that the problematic streamer is problematic to others, yet at the same time I believe the problematic streamer is problematic.
I believe the problematic streamer is problematic, but I also believe the problematic streamer despite being problematic is a good human.
I don't want the problematic streamer canceled, but I do want the problematic streamer held accountable, with my idea of accountability not including cancellation.
I don't want to go public (outside of mental spiral days like today at least), but I don't want problematic behavior to never come to light at all and lead to others having needlessly suffered.
I don't want to defend myself, but I also don't want lies about me to be treated like truth.
I don't want to lose people I care about, but I also don't want to put in the work to tell everyone my perspective (and by not sharing, some who I care about will be lost).
I don't want to lose people I care about, but at the same time I want the people in my life to genuinely care about me and see me as the me I am.

It's a lot of seeming contradictions, yet...things are complicated, and nuanced, and multi-faceted.
I don't want to say going public/whistleblowing would have been good/bad/etc. I think more good than harm would have come from it, but at the same time it wouldn't be something that is guaranteed to have been the best path forward.

And you know?

I actually like the path forward I am walking, overall.

I'm loved.
I have loved ones.
I have a lot of love to give others.
I'm creative.
I'm pursuing my creativity.

There's losses along the way. There's sacrifices to be made. There's choices to be made. There's things I have to accept:
By not fighting against the misinformation, all of those I lost will likely never return to my life;
By not fighting against the misinformation, I will likely lose more who fall prey to the misinformation;
To pursue the life I want, I'm not yet far enough in that I'm self-sufficient so I MUST accept the help of loved ones;
Success will take time;
I won't be able to help everyone I want to.

But at the same time--this feels like it's the way I most want to go, and the best way to go, at least with how life has gone.

It won't be easy, but I think it's what I want to pursue.

And for any who are along for the ride...thank you.

I guess I've got a blog after all.

​Sorry for not giving more, but I will always do the best I can. I hope you can do the same. <3

...But I can't catch a break in life it seems.

kels and I were on the upswing.

I was being left busy, but not entirely burnt out. I was left tired, but fulfilled. I was doing things.

I have a good schedule for me.
kels has a job.

We've been looking to a brighter future.

I've been releasing TikToks almost every day, which have been performing bafflingly well--I expect about half a dozen to a dozen views, at most. I'm nothing remarkable, I expect zero visibility. Yet I'm getting hundreds of views. Not thousands, but hundreds. People are seeing my videos. I consider that a remarkable level of success, all things considered.

I'm making the content I want to be.

I got my Patreon off the ground, and am releasing content for it.

I've been streaming regularly and been doing great.

I've done fantastic, with everything going right.

Everything...except for one thing.

...we're at minimum $400 short for bills this month. Potentially, double to triple that. Realistically, we need $800 - $1200 to pay all of our bills.

And we need to pay them at the beginning of October.

It's September 26th.

October is one week away.

...How could we possibly get $1000 in one week???

Like...I have been listening as much as I can to my guides, of not pushing myself too much. I've ignore thoughts of "I'm moving too slow", because I've been accomplishing plenty! I made a new twitch emote, I updated a few more on both my twitch and my discord.

I've been creating content. Not high-quality content, but been creating it all the same.

I haven't been doing everything I want (this blog is included)...but I have been doing MOST of what I want.

And I feel like I have momentum!

I feel like I have a good start.

I don't want to obsess over numbers, but the numbers are actually encouraging. I'm getting ad revenue from Twitch. I've gotten really good at getting at least some amount of work done. My discord is nearly complete, with all the work I have done on it. My Twitch is getting improvement every day I work on it. My TikTok has momentum, despite my lack of quality. My YouTube is admittedly kinda dead, because all I've been doing is uploading raw unedited vods, but creating content for my Patreon and beginning to make some for my Ko-fi is a great beginning.

I know I'm not pursuing everything I want, but I am pursuing a great deal of what I want.

I'm doing, to the best of my ability, exactly what my guides are pushing me to do: content creation. TikTok videos and streams.

I know they also want me to write, and on that front I've struggled to make the time admittedly.
I think they also want me to make music and/or some of my more ambitious ideas like video games (I actually made the complete concept for an entire Danganronpa-style Visual Novel Horror/Puzzle/Mystery game with nine characters), but those do require some skills I need to build up to actually make.

I know one area they consistently do is "It's okay to ask for help", and that's one area I'm somewhat lacking in. I've asked for help, but probably not in the ways they want me to.

But still! It feels like if before 40 - 90% of the groundwork was there, now it's 60 - 99%. I'm so close to having my dreams all come true.

Kels is working, I have the groundwork for secondary income, my job isn't sucking my soul and is giving consistent, reasonable hours. We have everything we need going into October...

...Except the money to pay for rent, utilities, and groceries.

I was expecting to get paid on Friday with the amount needed to make rent.

I got paid on Tuesday with ~$400 less than anticipated.

And that's...the minimum amount we're short by.

$400 would get us within striking range of paying rent. Throw in a few extra hundred for utilities and then another hundred or two for gas and groceries, and that's the $800 - $1200 we're short by.

And we're not getting money.

So I'm just...kinda at a loss.

I was so sure that we had ~$1000 in the bank already, and that the paycheck would bring us up to ~$2000. Just enough to potentially scrape by. (All expenses in a month are ~$2500 give or take a couple hundred or so.)

...We have half that.

And I just...don't know what to do.

I'm already doing everything I can think of.

I know there's potential blood/plasma donations, if I can get my blood typed, but I don't know how to get that.

I'm investigating if I can become a driver for those services which involve driving around for food/items/etc.

Which would technically be a third job if content creation counts as a second job for me.

We technically can use a food bank, although the food they give is often 75% expired, usually by weeks.

And like...I don't know what to do.

How do I get $1000+ in one week? With it not having consequences down the line?

I know hundreds of people. I talk to dozens of them regularly. I'm well-networked. But I don't know how to use that network. I don't know how to have all the people I know be given ways to reliably support me, and quickly.

I don't have any ideas.

And I'm feeling pretty defeated.

I was already struggling with depression for the last week or so. Depression has been dragging me down.
But when I got the bad news back that I didn't have nearly the amount ready for the end of the month I thought I did...
...I've been left pretty broken.

I don't know what to do.

I need help.

I want to help myself, because it feels like if I don't help myself then nobody will actually help me. I have to put the work in. But...I don't know what to put the work in for. I just need...a little bit of a boost. And I'm not sure how to get it, but if I don't...then I don't know how we're going to make it.

We're so close.
We're so close.

We can't give it up.
We can't give up.
We have to get through this rough patch.

I can feel it. The breakthrough. The pursuit of life and happiness.
We're so close to having it all, where I am pursuing my dreams of making a living as a content creator.

I have good ideas, and they are close to being made real.

I just...need a small push in the right direction, a small bit of luck, a small bit of good fortune, a small amount of support.

I know I can do what I want to do before the end of the year.

But I don't have the ability to do it all right now, despite the need for it.

So like...I need help. I don't know what help. I need some of it tho. Because we're not well-off. And I'm sick and tired of not being well-off, of all the frustrations of not being able to live life fully.

I don't want to sleep atm.
I don't feel like going deep in all in cuddling rn. (Burying my face in my wife.)
I don't want to do anything ENDING cuddle times tho.
But...I am feeling uninspired.

What should I be doing? I don't know.

I played Stardew Valley already.
I don't feel like doing content creation rn.
I don't feel like chatting anywhere.
I...don't know. Is this depression? ADHD? Burnout?

I don't know.

What's wrong with me.

I can't have fun.
I can't do work.
I can't enjoy the moment.
I can't sleep.

​I am feeling a pain but shouldn't be. I don't know.

It's a lot less difficult than days have been for me previously, around June 2024 and December 2024 (both which had me get suicidal at points). In fact, my current level of depression feels like it's the level of "healthy" depression, normal levels of depression, rather than levels that are debilitating and leave me wanting to die.

Which is to say; I'm down, I'm depressed, but I'm not badly depressed. I'm not in pain. I'm not suffering. I'm just kinda apathetic and lazy, rather than crying and miserable. Not great, mind you, but better than I have been when depression has hit before.

This level of depression, I can handle. I can manage. I can live with. The depression I had before, I could not.

It still sucks to be depressed, especially for no reason. This wasn't triggered. It just was.

But! I know it's not as bad as my depressive episodes were in the past, and today is a lot more up and down than my depression days normally have been.

By which, I mean, there's waves of sadness, but the sadness is not a constant.

I am happy, energetic, and enthusiastic still, I just also have low points which are lower than the high highs.

I guess if I were to describe this. Think of the ground level as neutral. Previously, I was sinking below the ocean down to the depths of depression, and my highest highs were like climbing a tree at ground level; barely above zero.

Now, my depression is basically just tripping and falling down to ground level, and my highest highs are me soaring above the mountains, flying about as I please.

I am happy, and largely content.

But, I also don't want to suppress the moments of sad. It comes in waves. Where I'll trip to fall to the ground and then fly then trip. But it's not constantly submerged, and that's good. There's been an entire shift in where the neutral/resting points are, where now the average is at least having climbed the tree at minimum. Stooping closer to the ground than the tree sucks, but it's not life-shattering. I know I will pick myself back up.

So, I'm letting myself feel the feelings, and reminding myself they will pass, and when they pass, I will feel all the love and support I have in my life. I can't be happy all of the time, and I need to remember that, and that this moment of not being happy is normal because nobody is happy all of the time.

But, I am happy most of the time, and that is a definitive improvement. Today is lower than most days, but I am still optimistic.

I am going to manifest the future I want with my fiance.

Every time I look at them, I see my wife. I already think of them as my wife. I can see our future together, with them as my wife. I am manifesting it being the wedding we want, on October 31st 2025, not at a courthouse but a proper wedding. I see us living together, happily, into 2026. (The reason I say 2026 is I lowkey just kinda feel like if the streamer who my fiance believes is a POS is in fact monstrous, I don't think it'd be exposed in 2025. I think it'd either be this year or 2026, with the latter as the more likely. Just kinda vibes, instinct, if you will.)

I see us together, living happily, living our lives relatively comfortably. We might not have the life we want to have, but we won't be miserable. We will be content, we will be happy. We will have plenty of love and support all along the way, and will be much loved. And because I see it and am manifesting it...

...I am carrying that happiness forward into our lives in the present. I carry that energy into my life every day. I am content, as we are. I am happy, as we are. Our life isn't perfect, but it's still a wonderful one where I feel so loved.

I know I am amazingly blessed. And I just...feel so positive about the future.

I can feel it.

I know there will be challenges! I know there will be setbacks! I know we need to put in the work to manifest it, it won't just manifest magically on its own without us putting in the effort. But, I can sense it.

We are going to build a life together.
We are going to be happy, together. Forever, for the rest of eternity.
I am already happy with them, and that happiness will only grow with time. That level of contentness will only strengthen, to become stronger and more than ever before.

The good will only get better, becoming great.

And I can sense it. That love, that support.

And that's why I've been able to carry this shifted outlook so well recently.

I just saw a vision of the future, and unlike all of the visions which were what-if spiraling...this one was one I felt was partially already real, and just needs time and a small push to be real fully.

So like...I have an entirely different outlook on life. Instead of doubting things will ever happen, I now know they will, and that the setbacks we face are challenges we will overcome to become stronger and more connected than ever before.

Instead of giving up, I am seeing the silver linings, how to pivot.

I know some situations just suck, but I see what can be used from them, by and large.

I see the way to spin the positives from events which others see as only negative.

And I am going to use that positivity to make good on my promise. I made a resolution last year to spread joy and positivity to all in my life. I'm going to make good on that. Because while days like today are a low point for me, my life as a whole is only growing higher and higher. I no longer fear it crashing down again. I'm no longer afraid of loss. I'm no longer afraid of things not working. I'm not worried about the dissonance between my hopes and aspirations versus the destruction of my life from problems.

I'm just...so optimistic about the future.

And I want to carry that energy to all who will let me give it to them. <3

The sadness is strong.
The despair is there.
The grief is there.
The regret is there.

The dread is there.
And the loss.

I'm free of a lot of things. Those...I probably never will be. Maybe the dread, as the losses are finalized. But the great sense of how much is just...gone...will never truly go away.

All I can really do is to focus on what I still have. Especially who I still have. I have a good mindset towards things overall.

I don't feel bitterness.
I don't feel anger.
I don't feel like lashing out.
I don't feel like fighting.
I don't feel like snarking.
I don't feel like sharing unfiltered thoughts or making snide commentary.
I don't feel like being passive aggressive.
I don't feel like being aggressive.

Those who remove me from spaces often include a sentiment of "I wish you well". At my worst, I can think things along the lines of "...but do you really?", but by and large...I want to take those well-wishes and live by them. Their well-wishes are reflected by my own. I truly wish all of them the best. I truly wish all of those I have hurt that they get the chance to heal and to live their best lives. I hope them well on their journeys, and I do wish them well.

And any who wish me well and mean it...I want to take their well-wishes and manifest them by living well.

Still, there will be strong sadness, and that's on top of the physical issues.

It was probably the pizza I had, but given that this kind of thing can affect the stomach, it's possible it's the mental/emotional as well. Or both, with the mental/emotional worsening. But, I'm having tummy troubles today. I felt like vomiting yesterday, and I have gurgley groans today.

Eating and drinking are a struggle, and I have to stay largely stationary in bed until they pass. Which, who knows if they will or not.

I'm hungry, but can't stomach food.

And there is the mental sadness, which has some voices say "I don't want to exist anymore".

I don't think I'm suicidal. I was back in December, but I have had six months to adjust my attitude and prepare and basically brace myself.

​But, the sense of loss and sadness and depression is enough to have those flareups.

Still, despite the pain.

I know I will be okay.

​But, it will take me time to readjust my life and be more balanced and driven in finding my path forward.

I know what I want to do.

I don't think I know quite how to do it yet.

And that's okay.

I will figure it out.

I will be okay, eventually.

There's sadness, but also the relief of the release.

I know my attitude of "I'm free" will help me get back on my feet fairly quickly. I know I'm not bad enough to have entered a safe mode. (Although I've been close.) I know my mindset might not be the healthiest possible--but I feel like, at least in the moment, it is the best possible, or at least the best possible for me in the moment.

​So, as rough as today will be, and some of the times going forward, I know what I will be focusing on and nurturing.

Again, thank you all for being with me, for however much time you have been.

I don't think you need to worry about me, because I think I am going to be fine, but if you are inclined to, that means a lot. Thank you all for the wonderful vibes and the level of time you have invested in me.

I'll continue to be doing the things I am.

I'm going to be around, and continuing things like blogs, streams, etc. I am going to live my life.

​But it will be significantly different to how it was.

I can't relax. I can't. I can't feel fully invested in anything I want to do. There's friends streaming, and I'm there, in chats, technically, but just lurking. Which, well, life lifes. I want to spend the rest of my life supporting friends. Vibing with them, spending time with them, telling silly jokes during streams, being supportive, giving feedback when asked, being invested, and being there for them. But, I want to be there for them, or basically have a valid reason to not be there, basically.

They deserve love and support, and for as long as I am their friend, I want to give it to them when I can. And I get being unable to, for any number of reasons. Any number of reasons are valid. Any reason is, all reasons are. Doing other things? Valid. Sleeping? Valid. No energy? Valid. Etc. So, I never should have a need to justify not being there to support them. I shouldn't hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.

After all, I always expect nobody to be around to support and vibe in my stream. I always figure the above applies to them. No matter how much they may want to, they are too elsebusy. So, if I don't expect others to, I shouldn't expect myself to. Except...I do. I have the life ambition of propping my friends up. Of helping them succeed. Celebrating their wins. Of being happy for them, and helping them, and being there for them, etc. It's my life ambition to help my friends thrive.

So...when I am unable to...I feel like I am failing them.

And I increasingly feel like I am running out of reasons it's acceptable to fail at the things I am failing at.

I don't feel like sleeping right now. I am unable to have cuddling with my fiance consume my attention fully. Yes, as I am typing this, I am cuddling with my fiance, showering them with love. But...I need to do something else as well, to keep my mind busy. And...I am not able to fill that gap effectively right now.

I've dropped mafia from my life. I was falling behind, and wanted to do it, and then got busy, and couldn't, and then by the time mafia entered my mind, I realized I'd have been replaced by now, but instead of feeling apologetic or sad or feeling like I needed to repent or get back in...I felt...nothing, initially, and then...relief. I've received readings of "cut out what no longer serves you", and felt that while the people on the mafia site do, playing the game...doesn't.

And when going over my memories, I uncovered something I had long-forgotten. Years ago, something happened, and it embittered me towards the site, because to this day it remains unresolved and emotionally left me soured, cynical, etc. A lot of my current jadedness stems from that incident, where before I was filled with life and youthfulness and naive innocence and after was left...feeling so bitter. And I promised, "I'm never leaving this site, out of spite. I will stay, so that THEY don't win. If I ever stop, they will win. So I must keep going."

And I did.

For years.

Until eventually, I just...forgot why I was keeping going.

Every time I was asked, I went, "...you know, I don't know. I forget why I keep going." I felt a drive to keep going, but I didn't remember what it was.

And in this process of having had a stressful couple of weeks which caused me to be unable to be there...

...At the end of it all...

...I felt nothing but relief for having released the feeling of needing to be there.

When I remembered that my reason for staying was out of the bitterness and spite, to make sure that one person would never get to enjoy a victory over me...

...I just felt like, "...I am not who I was when I made that promise. I don't feel like it serves me anymore. I've become more calm, and my priorities in life have shifted."

And while it remains true that the person should never be allowed to get away with it, and on my end leaving in some small way means they will have...I just...feel like I should focus on my life.

And then...I just...feel like I can just...move on, spend my time better. So I'm not spending my time on mafia anymore.

I still play limited-energy/task games, but when those games have a lull, I'm not spending time on them.

I'm not doing art because I don't have the drive/motivation/energy/etc. for it.

I caught up on discords.

I don't have anything on social media, which I'm only really using for my life and my friends.

​So...I just...

...I kinda...ran out of things to do. And was left with no distractions. I have ADHD, and while I am invested in multiple things, I don't have enough to satiate my brain and keep me from wandering in my mind, which is still not a place I like to be.

So...it's hard to stay happy. But, I am trying to live in the moment. My fiance wanted to treat me today, and they have, so I don't want to have their efforts be for naught. I gotta figure out a way to feel fully content today, so we'll see what I can manage.

They just gave me permission to do some work, doing dishes, so I'm going to post this and go do that, and hopefully that can help me.

But yeah. I have a problem. I can't rest. I can't relax. Not when my brain is racing. ADHD, bipolar disorder, anxieties, all rolled into one. Probably traumas as well. Boredom is a threat, doing things requires energy I don't have, and it's just...a lot.

I wish I could do better and be better than this, but I will have to make do and find a way to be happy with what I already have, because I do know my friends accept me as I am not as how I wish I was, they know my limits, and accept that I have them, but I want to exceed their expectations someday. I'll have to settle for matching them for now.

The more productive I am, the more healthy I am mentally.
The less productive I am, the worse I am mentally.

And it is a spiral. Bad mental health causes low productivity, low productivity feeds bad mental health.

I've been dealing with some bad burnout.
I've been dealing with some terrible depression.

I haven't had the energy or time to blog.

I've been unable to really function.

But, today was really good! Yesterday was extra terrible, I had extra frustration with OBS and being unable to get it working, which I need to because Twitch Studio is being discontinued despite it being literally the only streaming platform requiring no third party extensions and was simple intuitive and user-friendly in a way OBS Studio isn't.

And I couldn't.
I couldn't get it working.
I didn't do anything.
And then I got burned out.
I got so burnt out I literally shut down and was unable to get ANYTHING done AT ALL.

Yet today I did the work of two days and have energy to spare.

I didn't get everything I wanted to done, but I'm proud of what I did.

Still...there's definitely a worrying trend in my mental health.

Once I did all of that...

...and I rested...

...I noticed I was not as good mentally as I was before.

So like...the MOMENT I stop working...I don't feel nearly as good.

I need to be working, or sleeping, or I feel terrible.

And that can't be healthy.

But, that doesn't diminish my accomplishments, and I am proud of it.

I'm not doing terribly, but I'm not doing great, either. I'm only doing okay.

I broke my blog streak.
I'm not making much progress in writing.
I'm not doing art as I have been.
The art I did do, I feel lackluster about--I reuploaded my rBree2F emote (and it is yet to be approved), with a series of changes which probably won't even upgrade it in the way I upgraded rBree2Love in the form of rBree2Heart.

I haven't worked on rBree2Facepalm or rBree2Hugs.

I haven't been doing more cleaning.
I haven't been more aggressively pursuing financial relief.
I haven't been pulling my weight in cooking and using the food we got from the food bank.

I haven't been doing spirituality stuff.
I haven't been staying on top of hygiene stuff.

I haven't been taking care of my fiance.

I'm not doing everything to level up my streams that I should be doing.

I'm largely just gaming, and then feeling empty from not having done anything beyond that gaming.

But, I'm not doing terribly, despite this. I've still done work on my art.
I've still done work on my twitch streams.
I've still been doing creative stuff.
I've done some cleaning, and been doing lots.

​So like...I am okay. I'm not great, but I am okay. Solidly 5/10 overall.

My watch broke, any we don't have the funds to replace it.

Our creamer went bad, and we don't have the funds to buy more.

We're running out of most of our food, including for lunch, and don't have the funds to buy more.

We can't find a lot of things, need to clean more.

We dealt with a lot of stress.

I ended up not wearing my uniform's shirt to work, needing to use a spare.

I was late to work.

I got hit by wave after wave of depression, each worse than the last--the kind of depression which would drag me down even if everything was perfect in life, and because things are terrible right now, it was all the worse.

Tonight, I streamed Stardew Valley, intent on it helping--but the stream was so scuffed that I ended up only feeling worse after.

I wasn't able to attend most streams I wanted to today and felt like a failure.

I'm just...

...like...

...this is a Monday of all Mondays.

Can't I have good things happen?

I didn't have literally nothing good.

I made a plurality breakthrough today.
I still streamed.
I got some good clips from the stream, or at least clips which would've been good if not for the scuff.

I am blogging today, for the third in a row.
Especially impressive since I streamed today!

My fiance made good dinner tonight and nailed a perfect cup of mocofftea--mocha coffee with tea in it.

And after I finish this blog, we'll be taking a shower, to wash the bad vibes away.

So, not all bad news.

It's just...can't I catch a break? Please??? I desperately need one. I need things to be going right. Just once. Please?

I'm trying. It's not like I'm slacking and just praying/hoping for a magical answer. I'm putting the work in. Can it please for once actually pan out??? We...desperately need it.

Right now, if I am staying busy, I'm definitely doing okay, feeling like about a 7/10.

But when I am just resting, no matter how much I remind myself how much I literally just spent hours of time getting done, I feel like I am doing nothing.

I literally made art that I am proud of today! Like, I am actually PROUD of my art??? That never happens! But I keep looking at it, over and over again, and am so proud of everything I got done.

Like, is it perfect? Well, no! Of course not! I'm a mediocre artist at best, objectively speaking. I'm not terrible, to be sure, but I'm far from a professional. You can see all the imperfections, flaws, inconsistencies, etc., if you look...

...But for what I am capable of, this is the top of the charts, effectively. Maybe I could make small improvements here and there, but it's still very good!!!

And I did it today! I put in the work to update not one, not two, but three of my emotes!!! (I still need to work on the facepalm emote more, but I could probably also release a v3 of the rBree2F emote.)

And I got it done! In one day! And I love the result! It's the kind of thing I look at and go, "WOW! ...I made that???"

It's stunning. It's beautiful. Like, yeah. I get it, there's reasons to go "this isn't great". To a well-trained eye from a better artist, they would look at it and go, "why are you proud of that? It's not great." And even I will probably join them in on that eventually.

But FOR MY CAPABILITIES, especially IN THE TIME I DID IT, this is INCREDIBLY good. Amazingly good.

And I should be proud of it, right?

And I am proud of it!

...Except, the moment I stop staring at what I've done.

The thoughts creep into my mind to think, "I have done nothing."

There's the thought that I haven't done anything today.

Despite me literally staring at the proof I did something.

So then I decided to keep busy.

And I did more. I did more.

I did more bits badges.

I did more sub badge art.

And now, I am continuing to be busy by writing a blog!

Two days of blogging, with a longer blog at that, in a row?

Why wouldn't I be proud of that?

...Well because depression doesn't care about logic.

Depression is causing a deep pain which tells me, illogically, irrationally, I am doing nothing, I'm wasting time, I'm wasting my life.

I don't know what I can really do to get rid of it, other than waiting it out, and continuing to remind myself I have a lot to be proud of having accomplished.

There's a lot of things I will need to continue to do. We're still in a financially tight position. I haven't looked at how to get paid donations. I haven't picked up my meds. I haven't looked into how eligible we are for SNAP and the food bank and similar.

I know. I need to do that kind of work, and I'm not.

But...I am still doing good!

I just wish my brain could see it the way others do.

In the meanwhile though...continuing to grind. I'm making some time for games, but we'll be doing as much as we can.