And that whenever I am seen, it is negatively so.
I just feel like...I'm invisible, except for when it is something that is not good to be visible for.
That all of my mistakes, flaws, and such are what are seen, and all of the good things I do are unseen.
Feel like I am nothing. Nothing good. Nothing that is anything.
I'm not creating.
I'm not doing anything.
In a rut, a bad place of crippling, debilitating depression.
I'm feeling worthless.
Objectively I know my feelings aren't entirely true.
I see people who say they think I am very funny, that say they greatly enjoy my presence, who engage with me, interact with me, heck, in some cases even call me friend.
But my inner demons just can't let go of the fact that I feel.
Like that the good people see is not as much as they say.
Like that everything I do is nothing that leaves a notable mark.
I feel off my game.
I feel like I'm not doing anything good.
The things that make me feel good and happy make me feel good and happy while I am doing them--but the second I stop doing them (mostly because they aren't things which I can do indefinitely; streams have a finite duration so I can't stay in them forever obv, and places only have so much content for me to digest before I run out of things to do and say), it all starts to crumble down.
And the good memories get buried under piles of bad thoughts.
Why am I so pathetic?
I know people say that I am loved, I am appreciated, I am valid, I exist, that I matter.
Why can't I feel like any of that is true?
Why do those words, spoken sincerely, ring hollow and empty when it comes to me?
They make me smile when I see them and read them.
But why, when I remember them after the fact, do I not get that serotonin boost and instead just spiral deeper and deeper into a negative mindset fueled by depression?
I'm not quite in "No thoughts, head empty" meme territory, but it's pretty apt. The positive thoughts fade from existence, rapidly drained. They pop into my mind and I struggle to keep them there, to force them forward, but they slowly melt away, they slowly slip through my fingers, drifting away. In their place is just flashes of all the things that I want, but don't have, and all of the things I try to do, but the negative consequences of those efforts.
When the good you try to do ends up not actually being good to have been done.
And you struggle to do actual good.
It starts to just...leave you.
I feel bitter, even though I know I shouldn't. (Heck, I've been told by tarot cards two or three times in a row to let go of my anger. I know I should. The universe keeps telling me I should let got of the resentment, let go of the hate. I'm trying to. But I'm failing because despite all my best efforts to take the advice given to me, it's still there and nothing I do is actually getting rid of it.)
And beyond the bitterness is just...the void. Emptiness. Loneliness. Nothingness.
Because that's all I see.
All I see around me is blackness. A dark pit. Surrounding my aura, surrounding me in all directions. Just. Empty nothingness. Blank space. I exist without a thing around me. I don't have a connection. I don't have anything. I see nothing. Just. Me. It's literally the "just Monika" meme, except just me in that void with even less scenery and far less diabolical nastiness behind it. Just me. Empty. Alone.
I wish I had some positivity to turn this blog around right now.
But I truly have none.
I'm not okay.