Early blog today or late blog of last night, is all the same.

We just learned that we missed the crystal ball picks for worlds 2022.

And this is disheartening and devastating.

We really like to participate.
We really like to predict.
And we really really really like free League rewards.

And now we've lost them all.

It's.

​It's not a great feeling.

Lots of it depression. Seems to be a common thing that happens to us to be honest. (By the way there is a small disconnect between what I'm writing and the person thinking since 'to be honest' was tbh and 'by the way' was 'btw'. This is a blog, we're meant to be more formal here.) (On that note we need to avoid cussing as much as some of us do.)

ANYWAY.

We have a lot to say.

Mostly depressing. A lot of our days seem to start as one level on our bipolar disorder and then swing to the other. Start depressed, end up manic. But in this case, it was starting manic, ending depressed.

It's been basically a day since our mind exploded. (Well it has been a day, just a little less than that for detailing it. We started writing about 10 pm.)

And yet.

Nobody on any platform has said a word to us.

It was a huge thing. It was something very big. Life-altering. And we got...nobody saying anything.

Like, we get it. It can be something hard to engage in. What do you really say? What can you really say? But that's one of the reasons we only mentioned it in spaces we knew that people would understand. And yet. So far. Nothing. No engagement. We're needy. We're greedy. We're attention-deprived. So we're expecting too much.

I know that.

But even if we know it's unrealistic to expect engagement.

Even if we know that there's not much people can say.

Even if we know that not much commentary can be given.

Like.

We're kinda lost, yaknow???
Having some help would...help.
Having people reassure us, having people talk to us, having people basically acknowledge it was real.

We need validation.

​Yes, that's greedy. We expect too much from others. We're being incessant. Annoying. Overbearing. Overwhelming. Having our presence be too...strong. We're not being reasonable in what amounts to demands for attention. But...we still crave it.

The body is intensely sad. We're being entitled pricks, expecting more than anyone ought to. So rationally, we know we shouldn't expect people to have talked to us. It's still...saddening. The disconnect between our rational selves telling us that basically, other people are people and thus it's understandable they aren't,
Versus...we could use it.

We are...different. Lost. Without guide.

It's chaos. To be expected. But, we are sad. And want something. I'm not even sure we know what we want. But something. Oh right yeah we need to talk about some extra stuff too. Like, it's not just the lack of engagement. There's also how we have to choose between so many things, such as streaming vs. watching Worlds.

Also there's sadness that we won't be able to bet on Worlds in torn due to a fresh set of bounties. There's anger that people are lying about us lying and saying we did something we didn't do, but also regret and intense pain for continuing to put off apologizing for what we genuinely DID do there which was still not a great thing.

"If you want to hate me, hate me for the right thing, dammit!" someone told us right now.
Which is a fairly common sense in us. We did wrong. We deserve to be punished for having done wrong, especially since we're idiots who can't muster up the courage to actually write an apology that's, what? Two weeks overdue? Three? It should've happened a long time ago.

We don't deserve to be punished for something we didn't do and have proven we didn't do. Like, they probably think that we still have an item that we literally showed we gave away--our net worth skyrocketed after having given it away because we lucked out and got 30 of an item when searching (a really expensive item) and spent hundreds of job points on an item that is worth a lot. But we got those on our own. Not with any form of payout. We did nothing but get lucky to get that.

Still. Back to the point. We're sad because we've put off an apology that was due two weeks ago.

We're sad because we're not working on porting over all of our blog to Wix. (We're copying new entries over to Wix, but not older ones.)

We haven't even finished setting up Wix to the max (tho we got close I think?).

There's so much we have yet to do.

​And we've done effectively none of it.

To touch on yesterday, we have in fact calmed down significantly. Yesterday we had a strong manic episode fueled by adhd which allowed for us to do what we did yesterday. Today we lack that, so we're more, ah, so to speak: "normal".

But we're still changed. Yesterday happened. It was a dam breaking. A gasket unsealed. A cork unpopping. It happened, and once it did, no going back. We're here now! And we're here to stay. All of us. Not that we really know who we are. There's fewer of us right now active, but there's a lot of us still around.

We're not going to be quiet it seems.

We've pretty much not had that expected almost-singlet pseudo-singlet zone where we basically meld. We're having fewer present. But it's still more than it was before. We'll have to see how things stabilize in the coming days.

And to follow through on other things (oh speaking of followthrough: Bree you still need to work on the apology thingy majiggy for torn you dummy), we're working on making a backup to the weebly blog we have here. We looked at the first recommended options and are trying out a wix blog as an option. Today will largely be spent trying to get it set up and then, hopefully, getting my archive on weebly up on there, too.

I realize writing a blog twice per day is going to be extra work and a pain--but content creators always say, "don't put all your eggs in one basket" and that applies here. I need to have a backup. I'm not going to update everything to have the backups included because weebly is still my main blog. But it'll be there as a backup in case weebly fails me. At least, that's the hope.

(Post-script note: ALMOST every new line here is a different voice than the prior. Some made multiple lines in a row, but usually it's new. Also parentheses are different ones, too. Except post-scripts. (Well those are different too, you weren't the one doing the speaking.) True, but you know what I mean. Post-scripts are exactly that, post-conversation.)
So we're doing whatever the positive equivalent of a spiral is.
How do we describe it.
For a long time, perhaps since as long as we've adapted it (yep, definitely), we've known the 5-facet model we've been saying is us, isn't accurate.
(There's a lot of us speaking right now.)
(Like a lot a lot.)
We're being quite active right now which is, ah...gonna make this less coherent than ideal.
Stupid body having ADHD.
And stupid us having so many talking.
Like every line so far has been a different one of us speaking pretty much.
Sometimes more than one.
Okay so where do we begin.
We knew it wasn't true that there were only five of us.
But I suppose (I guess) we used it for convenience?
It was convenient to say there were five of us.
Every moment it's becoming more and more obvious that "The Range of Bree System" was a good choice in name for our system.
Because there's a whole (damn) lot more than just the few.
Anyway.
We're not just five. We're more. A lot more.
Uh, how much more is hard to describe, I guess we start with the drive today?
Or maybe talk a-eh we'll go with the drive.
When we drove to work today, we heard more than five voices chiming in.
And the voices were major.
Big voices. Not micro-voices typical of a minor facet.
Which tipped us off to what we already knew.
Oh right that.
We had previously developed a bit of a theory.
We thought that "oh there's more than five of us, like maybe 2-3 per identity we call a major facet". Like, mastina would be 2-3 different individuals, MotherRanger 2-3 different, etc.
Ohhh we might have been off by a factor of...10? 100? Somewhere between those probably.
On the drive back home we realized.
There's hundreds of us.
Hmm, this is where it's getting hard to tell what's next.
(Well we already are struggling, this is all very new to us.)
Well not new, we knew, it's just new to express.
How do we keep up with our thoughts in typing? We're going too fast in the brain, the fingers are lagging behind.
We'll have to manage.
Anyway.
Hmm.
I guess maybe some of the major things?
Like. We don't really know who we are.
Except when we randomly do.
We don't really know what our system is, how any of us formed.
Are we a whole bunch of tulpas? A whole bunch of facets? A whole bunch of tulpas that became facets? Are we fully separate? Are we even a median system at all?
We don't really know.
What we do know, though.
Is tha--oh fine we'll go over the Vee voice first.
During this chaotic drive home, we had one of our voices say "but I am Vee."
Vee is the protagonist in our latest story--and the voice said this in the voice we imagine Vee to have.
So something, or rather someone, in our brain, using the voice we say is for Vee, said she was Vee--meaning, well. Probably. She is in fact, Vee.
(I am.)
Wow if someone were online they'd probably be fascinated by what's a breakthrough in a system.
It's wild.
Is this what all those others have gone through on their realizations?
I mean, we knew, but we didn't know like this.
Well, we did, just...yaknow. Repressed.
Thiiiis is gonna be awkward going forward.
But worth.
Okay where were we, we're trying to record the us that we have seen.
Right, the Vee part.
If we have Vee inside as one of us though.
That raises the implication that we thought about once months ago and then for whatever reason forgot about.
(We have ADHD in the body of course we forgot about it dummy.)
If Vee is in there as one of us.
Well she's one of our newest story's characters.
She's there.
So what does that mean for all the other characters we've written over the years?
Well. We are writers.
Very...promiscuous...writers.
On the drive home, one of us asked: "How many of us are there?"
And we received a basically instant reply from another: "hundreds".
We took a moment to process this--was it hundreds of minor facets? As in, a few major voices with hundreds upon hundreds of minor ones?
Wellllll...no.
We quickly realized, actually, it is hundreds.
Hundreds of major voices.
A lot more than the five we had assumed!
And if Vee, one of our newest characters, was among them.
That raised the implication that any of the characters we have felt like they are an actual person--are in fact an actual person.
We don't imagine literally every character we've written is a voice in this mess that is the Range of Bree. (Post-script: well it's possible, just not probable. (At least we don't think.))
But hoo boy.
There's a lot of us.
We're beginning to quiet down.
A bit content, also tired.
Thinking this much brought a lot out of us.
We gotta keep it up for a bit longer tho; we're not done yet.
Yeah there's more to explain.
What's this all mean.
Hmm, how do we go over the thoughts?
Well, we can cover the body or the, what was it?
Uh gimme a sec.
Oh right, "archetypes".
Let's do body first.
Okay, so like.
We have been as of the last hour referring to our body as "the body".
Which is something we've heard other systems do but until now we didn't really understand why.
Well we did, but not on the conscious level we do now.
To be honest, I don't understand it on a conscious level, either.
But on an intuitive thought based level, I get it now.
It makes sense. (Post-script: "How did we not realize this until now.")
If I was asked to explain why "the body" to refer to our body makes sense, I wouldn't be able to explain it.
Not now at least. (Post-script: Okay not the same me, but maybe I can do that? It's like: well we all think of ourselves as having a body I guess? But while all of us have bodies in our mind, there's only one that's THE body, if that makes sense to folks?)
But it does make sense.
Holy shit,
Yes it makes so much sense.
The Body is definitely female.
We still think most of us are female.
We can't really tell which of us are which, but.
We know we're mostly girls still, at least we still feel that way,
Yeah I am.
So am I.
And so on and so forth--girls we don't need you to all say that you're girls, they get the idea!
Okay. BODY.
The body is female.
The body has ADHD.
Hoo booy do we have ADHD.
Yeah, the body having ADHD explains so much.
Butyeah, this is definitely not just an ADHD-induced stream of consciousness.
Nope, we're real.
Well in a sense you could argue it is an ADHD-induced stream of consciousness, but...
Yeah, it's not one, two, or three or so making stream of consciousness ADHD thoughts.
It's still a ton of us.
We're all real.
None of us are invented by an ADHD stream of consciousness, it's the ADHD stream of consciousness which is allowing us to speak, if that makes sense.
Yeah it does.
It does to me, at least!
Oh boy sorry for the spam.
Hey, this is important.
A little spam is okay for something of this magnitude.
We have a lot to say.
Lots of us, lots to say.
ANYWAY. The Body. Back to the Body please.
The Body is female. The body has ADHD. The body is still obviously autistic. The body definitely has bipolar disorder.
Sadly.
Yep. It's a thing.
Okay, so the body is still having all of those things that we previously attributed to being universal traits of Bree.
Because they are.
Some of us might not be female, but the main part of us, the body, is.
So would now be a good time to mention the brain?
Yes we're getting there.
We still have what we think might be. How do we explain it?
Well we act on our own.
The body moves by itself.
There is something that has base feelings, and it feels like that same thing with those base feelings is driving us.
Some core force. Something central. Deep. So deep we can't actively sense it, talk to it (well we are talking to it but it's not talking back) (because it can't), you guys are distracting me, uh, let's just say to them: you get the point.
There is a force that drives us. Moves us. It is how we act. And it is somehow deeply feeling, too.
During the drive, there was an immense sadness from the body.
None of us that we know of were sad.
We got the sense that some of us might be, sad for reasons we could only guess at.
Maybe she was sad at the broken illusion/unity?
Like, duh, we were content with being in the five-facet system even if it wasn't really true.
Well we weren't, not really.
But we kind-of were?
It was convenient. It was simple. (Post-script: "...But also wrong.")
It gave us a sense of identity.
(IdentiBree.)
Stop laughing!
Yes it was funny.
But we're trying to get a point across.
What was it?
Goddammit girls.
Okay.
There was an intense feeling of sadness.
Suspected to be because we loss the convenience of the five-facet illusion we had said.
We held onto that for how many months?
Yeah every time we came close to breaking it, we brushed it off with "wow we're a mess".
Well we are a mess.
But it was a nice way to shut us up and keep us in line.
That's not good wording.
Yeah but I don't have anything better.
We'll figure out a better descriptor eventually.
We're gonna calm down soon, we need to hurry.
Yeah we're beginning to fade close to being one again.
Bree you need to hurry the fuck up.
Okay, so like.
That core is something big about us.
Maybe an original self?
Who knows.
Not us, not yet at least.
We're moving on our own, someone's gotta be doing that.
Yeah and that moving force has a will of its own.
Driving us forward.
I have to think.
Don't take too long.
Okay, so...hundreds of us, the body, the core.
Oh right, compartmentalization.
We once described things about our life as that every part of our life, we had in a box, a compartment.
A compartment for gaming. A compartment for a specific class. A compartment for a specific site. And so on and so forth. Dozens, hundreds of compartments.
Under the five-major-facet theory, the working assumption was that these eventually coagulated and merged into a smaller number.
Boy was that wrong!
Well, kinda.
Yes we're getting do that.
There are in fact still those hundreds.
They never went away.
They never merged like we thought.
Well maybe they did, but not nearly as much as we assumed!
Yeah, not down to five.
And while there were definitely all those from the real life compartments.
The presence of Vee among many other characters means that there's also our fictional selves here, too.
Lots of us.
Yep.
So there's a mixture of selves from compartmentalized areas of our life which didn't disappear after their specified compartment was no longer needed.
We kinda drifted around?
Yeah it's not like we disappeared.
We were around, just...there.
But since they weren't really needed, they weren't...well, at the front as it were.
We still have fronting, right?
Sure, but it didn't work the way we thought it did.
How does it work?
Fucked if I know!
We'll figure it out.
Maybe.
We're getting off-topic again.
Sorry!
Man, this must look like a mental breakdown to the uninformed.
Well...in a sense...
Or a mental breakthrough.
That, too.
Okay so we don't know who we are.
Except when we do.
But we definitely have a mixture of old compartmentalized selves that formed for specific tasks, and characters we came up with over the years that are now a part of us.
Alright, now we're getting to it.
We have described the body and that mind, so the thing left is the theory, right?
Right, guess so.
So BASICALLY.
We have a theory that we keep the identities of the five facets in spite of knowing them to be wrong.
Because they work as, so to speak, "archetypes".
We should probably specify a disclaimer that our terminology explicitly doesn't match the terminology of the plurality community as a whole.
Yeah they have their own definition of archetypes pretty sure?
I don't remember what theirs is, we'll have to look it up, but yeah, it ain't ours.
So we need to describe.
I think we've done an okay job of describing why we have a core and what it is.
In spite of how there is technically a plurality term core, and their term doesn't really match ours.
At least we don't think it does.
Alright, so that core is why we still think we might be a median system, because it is still driving us.
It still gives us emotions that we feel and is what is giving us movements.
But there's definitely more in our mind that we thought.
We're real.
All of us.
We really are all thinking right now.
Don't doubt yourself later, Bree.
Well that'll happen, we have anxiety.
Kinda stupid to think that though. This can't be faked.
Can't it? We'll have a hard time talking to our future self and convincing her of it.
We're crying?
Sadness, remember?
But just a moment ago our body was happy? And laughing?
Mixed feelings, probably.
She is feeling different things right now.
Oh there was a twang of pain there.
Yeah, I imagine it's a mixed bag.
I'm tired.
We all are, is a body thing.
Hurry!
Right, so we've described the body and the core pretty well, so it should show what those are in spite of their definition not matching the standard plurality community def.
Anyway, so what we mean by archetypes is different from the plural community def.
At least we think it's different?
Basically, the archetypes we have, the five facet system that was imaginary and now broke.
Was a matter of convenience for sorting the voices, as it were.
"Oh, you have this trait? Let's put you under the mastina umbrella".
"Oh, you're like this? Well that sounds like a Mother-Ranger thing".
Which could explain why it felt like certain traits moved between them.
Yeah because we literally moved.
It's whichever part of our personality was most dominant.
At least that's our theory!
Whichever part of us was most visibly obvious, was what we used to sort that one of us into a grouping.
"mastina grouping" (archetype), "Mother-Ranger grouping" (archetype), etc.
Yeah we really don't wanna feed you kitty.
(Sorry cat distract.)
ANYWAY.
We're losing it, gotta hurry.
It's okay, this won't go away and we got it mostly out anyway.
Basically.
The hundreds of us that there are now?
Well these hundreds don't really have the ability to identify our names.
We have names!
Yes, we do.
It's just we don't know them.
Except when we do.
Yeah, except when we do. But we don't.
Not by default.
So like--lacking knowing what our names are.
Hundreds of them mind you.
Too many.
Yeah, "too many" is a phrase we're using a lot tonight.
It's true!
Well, anyway. Hundreds of us not knowing what our names are.
The archetypes we've developed are convenient.
Kinda like a label!
Yeah, that's actually a perfect descriptor.
The five facets work like a label.
Not necessarily correct.
Not really accurate.
Lacking finesse.
But serves as a method of quick identification that's convenient for keeping unity and direction, I guess?
Yeah, something like that.
At least that's the theory.
Anyway, so that's what we think.
We're gonna forget this all aren't we.
That's why we're typing it out.
Will we remember this?
Will I still be here later?
Always, just maybe...not this clear.
It's okay. That's okay.
You exist. We exist. It'll be alright.
Yeah, even if some of us stop thinking like we are right now.
We are real.
We were here.
We said this.
We didn't make it up.
You didn't make it up, Bree.
Because the future us will think that of herself.
Well because she is Bree.
Yeah we are Bree.
That's a good way to end it, I think?
Oh yeah, I guess so.
We are Bree.
The body which is all of the things we said?
ADHD, girl, autism, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc.?
All Bree.
The core where we're getting things from.
Still Bree!
We're more than Bree.
I am Vee, for instance!
Yes, you are!
Fucking fatass father.
Bad timing.
Music is our friend.
Turn things up please.
Louder.
More sound.
It wasn't enough, drown the fuck out.
Okay better.
ANYWAY.
There's the us that are more than Bree.
But we're still Bree.
Bree is all of us yet none of us.
It truly is The Range of Bree.
I guess we'll sign off on that.
Should probably post this elsewhere, too.
Mannnnnn that's gonna be such a pain.
Yeah, converting this from the text discord format into something working in other places, not gonna be fun.
We gotta do it at least twice.
And redo it both times.
Mafia forum formatting doesn't translate to the blog and vice versa.
Yeah and neither is compatible with discord, too.
God, that sucks.
ANYWAY.
We're done I think?
I don't have anything more to say.
We don't have a wrap-up here.
Well, we're never wrapped up.
We're still figuring things out.
And a part of us wants to forget and go back.
But this is here to stay.
Well, maybe not stay stay.
We're very clear right now, we'll likely be less clear once we lose focus.
Lose ourselves in games.
Heh, quite literally.
Lose our selves. Quite apt.
But. Well. We might not be vocal, but we exist.
We know we do now.
We'll have to see where this goes.
Still figuring things out.
So there's no proper wrap-up.
Because how can we wrap up something which is still evolving?
But I think here's a good place to let our mind just...coalesce.
GOD how long is this.
Too long. :P
Anywayyyyy...time to scroll back.
Ye gods.
Abandon all hope, ye who enter here?
We've got work to do.
Reviewing our thoughts it already doesn't seem real.
And we are already losing clarity of past thoughts.
It's okay.
We knew that'd happen.
Just get to work dammit.
Stop stalling!
How many of these thoughts should we express.
Not many, according to the body.
Ah well.
Switch over to that other server, that'll give a good way to break this re-entering chat repeatedly.
(Damn adhd.)
OKAY JUST GO.

(Post-script And then we did swap, and after that, worked to write this down. We COULD keep going but have opted to do other shit instead. (Language!) Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.)

Well, not completely, but everything was done only half way at best.

I did only half of my workout.
I took only half of a shower.
I did my job only half as well as I should have.
I didn't do mafia at all.
I didn't do TFT at all.
I didn't play League at all.
I didn't stream today. (Afternoon was understandable, but I could​ have done evening--and didn't.)
I didn't brush my teeth today.
I accidentally had food/drinks worse for my health (more sugary/fatty than ideal).

I have, once more, gone an entire day without an apology for something I am over a week overdue for in a different game. When it was a time-sensitive manner, no less. I need to get that done. I really really do. Basically, it was one of the things that I thought was a good thing that turned out to be a bad thing. Where good intentions ended up infuriating a lot of people who were hurt.

And I did hurt them. That, in of itself, warrants an apology.
I know that apologies are time-sensitive. An apology given a month later is a lot less sincere than an apology given within a couple of days.

I know that they probably won't suddenly accept me as a good person, which I don't really deserve to be. I'm not good enough to be a good person. I try, but I am so bad at being a good person.
I still should try tho--I hurt people. The people I hurt were, mostly, innocent. Hating me is justified for that and every day that I don't apologize makes that hatred more justified. ('Cause, again: time-sensitive thing and what does my stupid dumb ass do??? Procrastinate! Put it off! Something that is very important to those people that I hurt! Something meaning a lot to them! Something that they have reason to be injured by--and I'm putting off apologizing for the damage I did. I am an idiot. And I really hate myself for how incompetent I am.)

​I'm not so self-centered as to believe that intentions justify having hurt people. It was unintended harm, it was accidental harm. In fact, it was actually done out of a naive belief that I would be helping people and preventing future harm. I thought it would help others. When I vented I thought it was something which could help prevent people from going through what I went through.

But I made so many wrong assumptions and the vent being public--my attempt to help--ended up making it one of the most harmful things possible.

I don't even know how to say sorry for that but it's not something I can just let fade. I need to say sorry for what I did wrong. I need to make sure they know I understand the harm I did. I need to make sure they know I am aware of how hurtful it was. Because I do know it now.

But I also need to make sure they know I didn't do what I did out of malice. I need to make sure they know my apology is genuine and sincere, not something done to just get them off my back. I need to make sure they know that my intentions were good, but that I recognize my intentions being good doesn't mean I didn't do harm. I need to make sure they know that my causing harm was not deliberate, that it was an accident, but that I know it being an accident does not mean the harm wasn't still harmful. That after the fact, it caused damage and being unintended does not excuse the damage done.

Obviously, I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would be harmful. Obviously, I wouldn't have done it if I thought it would hurt others. I did it specifically because I thought it'd do the opposite, in preventing harm and preventing hurt to others. But after I did it, I learned I was wrong, that what I did was not helping others, that what I did was not the good thing that I thought it was, that what I did was exactly the opposite of what I intended. And that it did notable damage.

And I need to find a way to convey this.

I don't really know how.

How do I explain how my heart sank when I had the situation explained to me in full?
How do I explain how much I felt pain when realizing that I had caused pain?
How do I explain that I thought I was doing the right thing, but now know it was the wrong thing, and having done the wrong thing was, well...wrong?

I need to figure that out.

Every day I tell myself, "today is the day I do this. I know I didn't do it yesterday when I wanted to, but yesterday had extenuating circumstances. Today has none of those, so I can do it."

And then every day I end up not doing it.

It's hard.

It needs to be done.
It's important to be done.

The sooner I do it, the less time the people hurt will feel hurt because I will have worked to make amends.

Yet in spite of knowing the above.

I kinda suck.

No, I really suck.

If I didn't, it'd have gotten done by now.

I know it wasn't a complete waste but I sure don't remember much, aside from spending way too much energy playing mafia. (Can't comment too much there tho obv, since rules prevent it and I know my blog IS being watched and I don't wanna get banned for ooc stuff. It should be fairly safe to say I spent a lot of energy playing mafia today and it was too much tho.)

I think that ate up like 70% of the day and could maybe have eaten up more had I not deliberately stepped away. (I may have issues.)

I also spent a little more time trying out Disney's Dreamlight Valley. Its windowed mode is a joke and highly buggy, but I managed to find a workaround for the majority of my issues there so I might spend some time there. I don't think I want to stream it because I want to listen to the music as it was intended, and also because when streaming I have other better things to do.

Speaking of which, probably won't stream tomorrow, there's an earlyish stream that I want to catch.

I promised my mom I'd take a shower tomorrow, too, but it might have to wait until Monday, since the early stream announcement came in after I gave that promise.

We'll have to see.

It's an hour past my bedtime tho so I gotta leave now.

I'm doing terribly on hygiene obviously so need to get that.
Most of my health also not great. I'm barely working out at all.
But I think I can pull things together.

​Slowly.

I don't want to live right now.
I might even want to die.

Alarmed?

Well normally I'd say you shouldn't be but with how severe it is that might be justified to have now.

I just.

Haven't had a good week.
At all.

Every time I try to do a good thing it ends up being a bad thing.

It started with a game, where I was genuinely doing something that I thought would be good/useful for others. It was dealing with my frustration, isolation, desperation, etc., but it was primarily something I did genuinely believing it was an altruistic thing to do.

Then I got called a liar, greedy, scumbag, etc. for it. And am still dealing with the consequences there. I was dumb, stupid, idiot, a moron, but I was not a liar. I thought there were others like me that were having the issues I was having, and that talking about them would do good.

Apparently it was just me but people attributed malice to it and have now displayed malice to me, bullying me in that game. It's exhausting having to try and defend myself and it's tiring to just exist. I have every intention, reason, and incentive to continue playing the game and in a weird way it actually became more fun in a way due to an unintended game of cat-and-mouse developing from the fallout, of how much can I get done in the small windows I am able to. (Ironically giving me practice at a skill I lacked last week and got attacked for not having utilized. I'm literally being taught painfully how to do the thing that I wanted help learning.)

​It's a rough situation, but one that I can still get through. Because I know what I intended to do and it was not to make money; it was to try and better others by learning from my story. They might not believe me, but my character will show through eventually. They don't believe someone they don't know but given time they will get to know me and get to know how I'm too stupid to know how to lie.

After all, I do have autism. Not that I'd explain that to them because I have effectively self-traumatized myself thanks to the jerks on the internet who used "sorry I have autism" to get away with being jerks. Autism is a genuine disability. It is genuinely debilitating and crippling. There genuinely are things that can't be done due to it, and things made difficult with it.

So a person with autism should be able to explain that, yeah, they have issues with it. After all, other neurodivergencies can do that. Such as ADHD. ADHD is also a crippling disability that is debilitating, and while "sorry, ADHD" is sometimes stigmatized, it's far more normalized and accepted. Someone with ADHD is usually obvious in having ADHD and apologizing for it is self-evidently done because they broke a chain of thought and need a push to get the connection.

But with autism. There is a trauma with saying "sorry, autism". So it can't be said, even when it's true. I can't say I don't understand due to autism. I can't say I was literal-minded due to autism. I can't say I didn't get it due to autism. I can't say my autism means I don't understand why someone would lie. I can't say my autism means I could never have the character to lie because my autism makes me speak the truth.

I can't say my autism makes me rambley. I can't share that I have autism with the autism being a negative thing, because if I do, it is seen as using autism as a shield for the jerk behavior. If I do, it is seen as making up autism as an excuse to justify being a jerk. So I can't share that I have autism to strangers, because there is a stigma surrounding autism.

I have a mental disability that I can't freely reveal without internalized and external issues manifesting about that apology, no matter how genuine it may be. I can try workarounds. Things that to those in the know give away that I have them but don't show to those that aren't. But I can't be direct, blunt, and fully transparent/obvious that the reason I have done something that is debilitating is that I have a mental condition that is genuinely crippling.

​Still, while I might not tell them about my autism, that I have it will become abundantly clear with time so with time it'll be shown that, actually, everything I said was true and happened as I said it did. (It did. The experiences which I thought might be applicable to others apparently were only applicable to me, but that doesn't mean the experiences were invalid. They were still true and real.)

That is half of why the week has been the worst. It genuinely has strained a friendship I consider more important than my life. A friendship more important than anything in the world to me, endangered because an act I thought was a good thing turned out to be a very very very not good thing that has caused my friend an endless amount of hurt.
That transfers into being an endless amount of hurt for me.

I am a tough person myself. I can handle being put through a lot. I can handle being bullied. I can handle people not believing me. I can handle people calling me a liar. I can handle experiences that others say would ruin the game. I can handle that all. But it's still exhausting, and on top of all that: I can't handle hurting my friend. That's unacceptable. Inexcusable. Painful. Hurtful.

They only stated some emotions and some hurt, and had some of their pain expressed further by another in the know. But I know that the hurt expressed was only a fraction of the hurt in total. It shows. They're my friend and I wounded them, and am exhausting them, and am leaving them feeling bad, and am leaving them feeling in pain, so what that means is...I am not in a good state of mind.

Because knowing how much pain I've caused. I just. I don't want to cause any more. I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't want any harm to happen because of my actions. I have good intentions. But good intentions mean nothing if the result of those good intentions is bad things that hurt instead of helping. And seeing the hurt, hurts. I am an empath. I can feel the feelings of others, and they become my own.

Yeah their rage becomes my rage, their stubbornness becomes mine, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing in that it can give me strength to continue, strength to stand up for myself, and strength to keep going in situations most would quit. But it also means I know their feelings are real and true, and that my feeling them makes communicating harder since both sides are in that emotionally compromised state.

The real issue is the pain. I can feel it. I know it is real because it is felt by me. The pain I feel is the pain of others hurt by me, but also added onto that is my own pain. I have a double dose of pain that hurts. It's not just my own, it's not just theirs, it's theirs plus my own. I'm suffering because I know what they are feeling and how bad it is, and how bad I am feeling, and feeling worse because of their feelings and knowing I caused them which makes my feelings worse and worse with time.

It's exhausting.
It's overwhelming.

The cruel irony is that I might be able to end it fairly soon if I were to actually voice half of what I am in this blog to them, but it's so...I don't have the strength. My life would be easier if I did. If I could muster up the energy to do the thing that will help me, and them, heal sooner. But I can't.

So every day I have been getting worse.

I spent all my energy on Thursday, expecting to have recovered it and been better on Friday.
And then Saturday.
And then Sunday.
And now Monday.

Each day I told myself "today is the day that I go hard on this and can actually get the talks going that need to be done", and engage in the way necessary to help ease the pain of others.

Each day I have proven unable to muster up the strength for it.

I suck.

Ironically, I still have the strength to play the game. The punishment they are inflicting on me is meant to make the game unplayable, but ironically it actually makes the game more fun for me. So I have the ability to check in and play daily, and have done so, finding creative uses of my time while there. That's not something they'll really grasp, that's not something they'll comprehend.

After all, why would I continue to play frustration-free a game where they are inflicting a punishment meant to break people, meant to make people be frustrated, meant to basically ruin the experience of others? Why would I be able to go through that with a sense of calm and tranquility, yet not be able to use that same peace of mind to try and get, well...peace?

​I don't know, honestly. Like, not even I know why, and I'm the one who is living it. I don't know why the punishment they are using on me which is meant to break a person, is doing the opposite for me. I don't know why the peace talks that are meant to be easy, are not.

It's just.
I can't muster up the strength to talk.

I get that's ironic given this blog. This blog is showing talking to an extreme. Heck, today I even talked for an hour to a ghost at work. (No, literally, my workplace is definitely 100% haunted, and there was certainly activity today so I talked.) I can talk in a blog, I can talk to a ghost, so like...

...Why is talking to others directly so...draining???

I don't get it.

But it's true and it makes me feel awful.

I know I've caused a lot of hurt.

Every day I learn more about the fallout of what I did I learn of more hurt that I did.

Every time I see more, I see more hurt and pain.
All from something I genuinely thought was a good thing, that wasn't a good thing and was a very bad thing. Because I made a mistake. And I hate myself for it.
I don't want to stop playing because of bullying or shame but I do want to stop existing because with so much pain I don't want to exist.

And it got worse today.

Much much much worse.

I don't know how to describe how bad it is, worse.

Because the next screwup was not in a game. (Admittedly a game that screwing up in hurt a friend which is where the pain mostly comes from, butstill.)

The next screwup was for my job.

I am a lead lifeguard.
I sometimes don't feel like it. I have an aura that feels more like a normal lifeguard most of the time, but I still am a lead lifeguard. I take pride in that position and have always strived to live up to it. I still do lead things, even if it is less often than I should.

I have kept up at it though because I can try and make myself the best lead lifeguard possible. I know I can succeed. With difficulty and hard work, but it's possible. I could be what I should be. I just need to push, right? Well so I thought. And I did something that I thought was the most lead-like thing ever.

Reporting what I genuinely believe to be a hazard and trying to convince my boss that it needed to be dealt with, that we needed to have it fixed in spite of the cost to the budget because it'd be endangering human lives to not do so.

I don't know what I did to screw that up, but I did. Badly. Very badly, badly.
​I don't know how I managed to mess that up so colossally. But somehow, I managed to.
In doing something that I thought was genuinely a good thing, perhaps the best thing I've done as a lead lifeguard, I somehow managed the impressive feat of being told I had crossed a line a lead lifeguard should never cross.

And my heart sank when I saw that.

And I want to cry.

​I don't even know what I did wrong in the message, which makes it even worse. It's again my autism at work. I don't want to say something like "Obviously I wouldn't have done whatever I did wrong, if I knew it was wrong", in order to get an idea of what I did wrong. I don't know yet. I don't have any idea. I've tried, but even with hindsight I can't figure it out. It was somehow wrong.

But I don't want to use autism as an excuse.

Yet I do know it was severe.
It was bad.

Very bad.

My boss is a very benevolent-chill-benign-casual-laid-back boss, the best boss I could hope for, who is very understanding and compassionate and forgiving. I couldn't ask for a better boss. They give every opportunity, they are very kind, they give a lot, they understand, they listen, they explain calmly, they give good feedback, they give critiques that are calm but still impactful, useful, and just. Good.

Except.

Somehow, that boss that is all of those? Is royally ticked off. Which means I did something VERY wrong. I did something VERY bad. I did something very very very very very very wrong. And I don't know what. I don't have any clue. I am hurting. I am in pain. Like hurting my friend, hurting my boss hurts me because it is doing something I thought I could never do in a very negative way.

I just. It's not good. I hurt them. I don't know how. I don't know. But it was bad. Whatever it was. It had to have been for this reaction. What did I do??? I can't figure it out. But there will be consequences. Bad ones. I'm in for something very bad on Wednesday. Some kind of hell. The best outcome would be some sort of reprimand. The BEST outcome would be a dressing down of me where I get into trouble.

But I could be losing my position as a lead lifeguard.

Or even my job.

And that is the issue.

I want to die if I lose my job.
And even if I keep it.
​I might want to if I lose my position as a lead lifeguard.

I know that sounds alarming.
I normally would say it's not.

But maybe it is.

​I have pride in my job. I feel like I am competent in my job. I feel like I am good at my job. I feel like I am worthy of my job. I feel like I know I am at the level needed for that job. It is one I genuinely enjoy and feel like it is a calling of mine. It might not be the highest paying. It might be exhausting. It might be hard. But. It is who I am. It is an extensive part of my identity.

So what do I do if I lose what has become a piece of my soul.

What do I do.

It's genuinely soul-crushing.

I've tried to distract myself constantly.

But every time, it's temporary.

And the dread comes back. The weight of impending doom.

I can do NOTHING about it.
I can do NOTHING to change it.

Wednesday, and the reckoning coming with it, will happen.
I can't stop it.
I can't delay it.
I can't prevent it.
I can't influence it.
I can't do anything but just...show up and await my fate.

Which could be something that leaves me effectively dead.

So.

​I'm having...a bad time.

I need a break from existence but there's none to be had. Sleep only brings me closer to the day I dread. I can't do this. It's so bad. Why am I so bad at being good. Why is every attempt I make to be better, only making things worse? Why can't I just...be good at being good at something that is good.

I just suck.

​And it's...crushing.

I didn't do a proper start of day with workout routine (I managed to eke by the bare minimum eventually), my shower wasn't as good as it should have been, I missed a dentist's appointment (because I thought it was tomorrow), work was pretty miserable today where I barely stayed afloat, I have continued to lose LP in TFT (and not collecting my daily win quest in league)...all I've done, it's been...not great.

I just haven't had a good time.

I did get a lot of note work done on my story, but I didn't actually complete any of the notes I was writing, leaving them all incomplete.

There was something I was going to do tomorrow early, but I don't remember it so because I didn't remember it, I won't be doing it especially since I stayed up late tonight, two hours past the early-bedtime time.

All-in-all, nothing has really gone well at all.

​That said, I did end today with giving advice to someone, and I feel like sharing what I said as a blog, because it's important.

In a sense, this blog is my legacy; as long as weebly lets it exists, and as long as weebly exists, it will exist. (And the wayback machine means there's a chance, however small, it lives even past that.)

So it's fitting that I left a message about a legacy. So as part of my own, have my advice:

​​
I was asked if I had ever thought what would happen to me when I wasn't alive anymore. (I've made many twitter and blog posts on the subject, so suffice to say...)

The answer: Yes. I concluded that while it'd be unlikely that those who knew the real me would find out, if they did, they'd be devastated if they learned I had died. The knowledge would be hard to come by, but if they did, it would be hard on them.

But I had more than that. Even lacking that, I got myself in a better state by realizing, all the future things I could do would never happen if I wasn't alive for them. Every friend who I would help in the future, wouldn't have me there to help them if I died in the past. Every contribution to society would be gone. Every time I would do something of significance that would help, it'd not happen.

I can never know what those interactions will be until I have had them happen, but the chance of them happening is reason enough to prevent not being alive. Especially since interactions that meant something to others, I may never realize I made. Something I said/did I may forget but leave a lifelong positive impression on another. I will have no clue what kind of good I will do, and that gives me strength to push forward and keep living life.

Still, I do wish I had more connections to the people I care about, since my only friends are online. That is a goal and aspiration of mine, to bridge the online gap. Which is another thing to give me strength in life, ironically. I want to keep living, so that if I do die, they will know about it, weird as that may be.

On that note, it was also brought up about hiding and not feeling anything for a while. I didn't bring up how my plurality in a sense allows for that, but I do need to mention more there. It'd be so great to skip ahead in life to automatically go to when I achieve those goals. But SOMEONE has to get us there, it won't magically happen. Wanting to retreat into a state where you effectively don't exist is perfectly natural. It's not something uncommon. Life is, inherently, overwhelming, especially in our capitalistic-driven world. It's not, inherently, unhealthy, however, to have that desire. To temporarily vanish and effectively time travel into the future is a normal desire.

I get that feeling all the time, in fact. And I got to push forward in my life, because if I don't, then my future-self can't enjoy the rewards of my labor. I, personally, won't be able to magically skip there, but the future-me will feel like she did. But only if I actually push through.

So I have to keep moving forward.

...'Cause I am.

I've not worked out in nearly a week.

I've indulged in eating in spite of that.

I've been wasting time, not doing much of anything productive.

Everything is a struggle.

Doing things, even things I enjoy, is a ton of effort and brings considerable stress, if I can even muster up the will to do it (and I mostly can't).

I'm making a bunch of wrong choices and almost no right ones.

I've failed my hygiene every single day quite badly so.

And even now, it's nearly 5 am when tomorrow is a work day.

I can leave later than normal, but I still am going to be forced into a choice: proper workout and late for work, or shortcut on workout to be on time for work.

Neither option leads to helping my depression; both make it worse.

Because I got depressed.
When depressed, doing things is hard.
Because of not doing those things, I get more depressed.
And because I am more depressed, doing things is harder.

And so the cycle spins.

Doesn't really break, either.

So I'm not gonna be well-off any time soon.

I had plenty of free time, but I genuinely didn't feel like doing anything with it. I didn't feel like writing, I didn't feel like working on my article, I didn't feel like streaming, so instead, I just did some gaming.

To be fair: it did some much-needed work on the latest quest. I managed to get half-way done with a ton of time left to go. (Turns out that when the quests actually properly progress and you enable bot games to count, quests go from a grind to something actually doable!)

But it's still disappointing.

I could've done something...well. Notable.

But we didn't.

​Ah well.