I mean, I shouldn't, since I technically didn't waste the day. I did a huge overhaul of my Stardew Valley farm and while it's not complete and not perfect and I'm not sure I'm perfectly happy with it, I at least did it.

And I did get a win in League ranked.

And I did progress the quest with the 10-day-as-of-now deadline part 2/3 to 9/10, meaning I only need one more to see what part 3 is (which I expect to be more games to be honest).

But aside from that.

I'm a day overdue for a gift to someone, and have not worked on it at all.

And it's 6 am, so I won't be streaming.

Which means that the day was just...not very productive.

I had extra time today!

And will have less time tomorrow!

But I did far less than I should.

So I'm not mad, just...disappointed in myself.

A lot of that time was TFTilt. (I mean, to be fair, it started as doing the weekly TFT missions, which did need to be done. But then, I wanted to end on a game I was satisfied with. Which had a fairly simple requirement: top 4 where nobody above me was stealing my comp. It took me about 6 hours to get a game filling that requirement. And I ended up at exactly the LP I was at before the whole debacle.)

And I should know better.

There were better things to do.

Or if I was going to do it, I could've streamed it.

And if the issue was wanting the blue essence from the daily, I should've played league and then played TFT.

So I just.

Didn't have an optimal day at all.

With nobody to blame but myself.

Plenty of stuff.

Is it the stuff I should be doing?

Why no, no it's not.

I'm late for something pretty sure that I was meant to have done yesterday.

But is it stuff that I want done?

Why yes, yes it is.

I am continuing to progress a League of Legends quest that is a grind. Summoners Rift games, 5 for part 1/3 and 10 for part 2/3 and who knows what for 3/3 because I'm still on 2/3.

I am working on the weekly TFT quests while also attempting to climb. (Nowhere to go but up given I'm Gold IV right now.)

I got the Stardew Valley bug, installing my first mod, then installing a few I believe are "harmless if they break". All professions, all weapon enchants, a few for hay, and then coconut trees planting/tapping. (Still want a mod for allowing hoppers to deposit into silos directly.)

And played a lot of Stardew Valley, managing to progress in my very gradual restructuring of my farm.


But the real achievement: streaming, and progressing Final Fantasy VII after months of absence!

Here's to hoping I can keep up the grind.

Well, to explain: I actually had work today. Instantly, that means that the day is automatically more productive from an adulting perspective than a normal Saturday is (since those are normally my day off).

So, that being there is something that I spent productive time on.

​Of course, subjectively, not productive since it's not furthering any of my goals aside from "continued employment" (which, to be fair, is a good goal to have, it's just not really a goal as I think of goals being).

I had a streamer who normally doesn't stream today but who I try to catch every stream of, streaming today which ate up 80% of the day. This is not really productive, but since I watch them every Tuesday Thursday Friday and Sunday, catching (most of) their stream and doing what I normally do there, was worth it overall.

That streamer played Stardew Valley and it was mentioned about "have you 100%ed it yet", and I haven't, but I know the two things I need to do: fishing and mining. (Mostly, monster-slaying.)

I'm still working on Stardew Valley farm stuff. I want to reorganize my things so that every single item I'm stacking multiple of has their own chest (maybe multiple) in a logical location, and that things I'm not stacking but are related, are grouped as well. I also want more farm animals, to max out my barns.

Beyond that, I want to optimize the beach farm, to make it be as space-efficient as possible, matching the efficiency of the greenhouse.

But mostly?

Mostly, I've done everything I want to. Wife and kid maintenance needs to be done daily, but I've completed basically everything else, and achieved everything I set out to do, pretty much. (I might have a golden walnut or two not found, but I'll check that next time I do a save file check.)

So I figured, "yaknow what, why don't we start progressing the two things I haven't?", so...I did exactly that! I caught 2/5 of the base legendary fish. In one day.

It's not complete, obv, but it's progress at least!

So, like.

Productivity-wise, not much done, but it wasn't nothing!

Today was also the 1-year anniversary of my having come out as a girl in real life to my family.

It had some fanfare to the occasion, but was mostly, not noteworthy. That's kinda disappointing, I admit. It was something that to me, is a very big deal, but like...there's no festivities to it.

I was trying to celebrate it with an art piece, but...

...This was meant to be just the background.

It was meant to have a complete drawing of me in it, with text having my name in it, too.

I started at the beginning of the month.

I barely got this much done.

So like.

I didn't get the fanfare done myself, so the lack of fanfare is mostly my own fault.

Ah well, it is what it is.

It's a huge event to me, but there's more to celebrate than just today, there will be future celebrations as long as I live.

Barring extreme extenuating circumstances, it is basically impossible for me to sleep until like 4-5 pm.

I will always wake up at or before like 2-3 pm.

So if I vibe too hard and stay up until 10 am, then I'm not going to get my target amount of sleep of 6-7 hours.

I'm trying to, as part of optimizing my life while being healthy, get the same amount of sleep consistently, and to keep it in that 6-7 hour range. Sometimes, I get less; sometimes, I may need a little extra. But overall, I'm aiming for 6-7 hours as the range.

I know that people need different amounts of sleep to be "healthy", and it's possible that 6-7 is too little, but while my aging body could have changed this, from experience I know that in the past, ~6-7 was(/is?) my ideal amount.

I can function off of less, but I get way more tired and am far more vulnerable to being sick.

But more sleep than that doesn't seem to make a difference. If anything, I think that it might be oversleeping.
I'm not feeling less tired by sleeping 8-10 hours.
I'm not feeling more healthy by sleeping 8-10 hours.
I'm not feeling better in any way shape or form in those 8-10 hour sleep sessions.

So like. If I'm not feeling better in that range, but I know that I feel worse on less than 6 hours of sleep, that means that the most optimal range where I feel the best is ~6-7 hours.

I'm also somewhat trying to get the times slightly closer together, albeit not so much a deliberate effort as much as it is, coincidentally happens to be needed.

Work is going to move to an hour earlier on Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. And I need to take showers 3-4 times a week. It takes me 2-3 hours to shower and an additional 1-2 hours to prep for work so if I want time to work out (which I do), I need to get up an hour earlier.

I currently leave at ~12:45 - 1:30, so an hour earlier will be ~11:45 - 12:30. Which means that I need to get up 3-5 hours before that, meaning ~8 am for shower-work days and ~10 am for non-shower days. And since I get up at ~5 am on Thursdays and Sundays, this will bring my up-time to around the same time, within a few hours.

So that means more consistency across the board, which I think will be healthier overall.

Butyeah.

I'm mostly aiming for the same general area for sleep amount and get-up time although when I stream I will always be staying up later than normal.

Speaking of which, I kinda hate that every time I get into the streaming groove, real life kinda gets in the way.

​I can theoretically stream late late late on Sundays, but doing so is situational as it'd be after the streamer I watch finishes, and it'd be giving up on watching the LCO--I don't want that.
Ditto for Mondays.
Tuesdays, I theoretically can, but if I want to take a shower on Wednesday, then I can't do all three of {stream, get 6-7 hours sleep, shower}, so I'd be giving up on one of them, maybe two.
Wednesdays, I can't because I have work on Thursday mornings (tho this might be changing soon).
Thursdays, I might be able to fit in a bonus day stream, but it'd be short and would detract from nap time for a Thursday Night stream.
Saturdays, I theoretically can, but I use Saturdays as a rest day/chill day, and often there are streamers I want to watch.

​There's not many times I can stream, so the times I already do, are all I can do.

But far too often, even if I have the lucidity to stream and the physical energy to, real life is dictating I can't.

For instance, this upcoming week, I have things on both Friday and Saturday, which means no Thursday or Friday streams.

Which also means not doing story games like Final Fantasy VII or Chrono Trigger--even though I literally have finished doing the offline grinding that stopped me from progressing both of them.

I'm ready to stream them.

I just need the ability to stream them.

And it's frustrating that I can't pursue it.

​I do what I can tho.

Did a great stream!!!

​Climbed in TFT!

​But it 10 am now so I need sleep!

I'm literally doing nothing with it.

The stars are aligning for me to have creativity.

So with everything going my way in terms of scheduling, I should be able to make something of it, right?

Right?

...As it turns out, no.

I couldn't figure out what I wanted to stream today, so I didn't stream, in spite of promising that I would stream. I've gathered a lot more attention to myself in the last couple of months, so if I got back into streaming, there's a fairly high chance I'd have people actually show up, which would get me to my goals.

But to get to those goals I'd need to actually stream, and I didn't.

I even opened XSplit to stream.
I didn't stream tho.

I have wanted to write a twitter thread or blog post about why my handle on twitter is, in contrast to where it is everywhere else (rBree2), why my handle there is The_Descended. And how I have had the inspiration to work a lot on that. (Speaking of which, mental reminder to myself to not forget about the rules of ghost procreation and Aria's brother's true middle/last name and Aria's true middle/last name and how I did the math wrong on Aria's age.)

I have the idea to work on the characters page and the art there, and I know I can do it.

I just need to actually do it.

I've wanted to work more on the Civ 3 mod, but never have made the time for it.

I've wanted to beat the Time Devourer in Chrono Trigger, and even told myself I'd do that today. I didn't.

I've wanted to continue the grind in FFVII. I didn't.

I have a bunch of blogs that I want to make, and my notes keep on piling up.

From yesterday, we've got an RPG game that combines from at least nine different sources. (Dungeons & Dragons all, Adventure Quest + Dragon Fable classes/monsters, MARDEK RPG all parts, Epic Battle Fantasy all 5, Majesty 1/2 Heroes/Items/Monsters, Gauntlet Dark Legacy characters/items, SaGa 1/2/3 all, Chrono Trigger all, Final Fantasy all.)

I've got notes for The Descended, and a lot on Davos specifically.

Today I had something to do with plurality that I want to vent about.

I've got a mafia article to finish writing.

I've got a mafia game to finish designing.

I've got a Team Fortress 2esque Wild West game idea to talk about.
I've got a Demonic Possession J-RPG game idea to talk about.

I've got to record/make twitter posts that I have had for months.

I've got an ambitious story idea ideally told in manga form about a Sci-Fi/Fantasy setting where it's basically a Fantasy setting set in the far future where it's effectively Star Wars, but more fantasy, with magic instead of the force and Paladins instead of Jedi and Death Knights instead of Sith and Light Blades instead of Lightsabers.

I've got an ambitious world idea which combines aspects of Marvel, DC, and other comics, and yet puts my own unique spin/twist on them.

I've still got that Power Rangers ramble to make.

I've got stream stuff to do.

I've got a song to finish writing, then perform.

​I have a bunch of art stuff that I want to do, notably, an art piece of me to complete by the 25th, which will be the one-year anniversary of my having come out.

I need to ask someone who made a gift piece of art of me if it's okay to use/share elsewhere.

I have all of that to do, and so, so, so much more.

And yet I did none of that.

I did do a couple things. I checked medical stuff, which I needed to do.
I made progress in Castle 4-0 in minecraft.

But most of my day was spent wasting time on League of Legends.

Granted, I'm progressing Challenges quite nicely, and it's actually fun!

It's just that.

I'm literally at 4:15 am and counting, and have done...nothing.

I'm not living.

I'm not making good use of my time.

I'm not doing tangible work of any time, or progressing any of my goals.

I've done nothing.

And again.

The stars literally aligned to give me the free time to have a chance to accomplish something.

I'm never going to get a better chance than this.

And yet I squandered it.

I haven't even done hygiene!

It's a miracle I've not forgotten my medication, at this rate.

But like.

I have so so so much that I have the potential to accomplish.

I have done none of it.

Not even the very-important-thing of the IRS mail I received that's a big scary thing I need to talk to work HR about.

​And don't get me wrong.
I get it.

I'm depressed.
Badly so.

But the things I did today were largely me running away from my problems.

It's not that I did them to have fun.

I did them to escape from the responsibilities I have.
I knew it was for that purpose when I started them.
And I knew it after I finished them.

That I was in a bad slump, and needed to do something in that time because it's impossible to do truly nothing.
But my reaction to being in the slump was to do the things that are as close as I can get to doing nothing.
I knew that going in, and I know it after.

I knew I would regret it going in, and sure enough I regret it after.

Yes, I am genuinely having fun playing League.

But I know that it is the worst possible usage of my time.

I genuinely can't think of a worse usage of my time. I can't sleep to waste the amount of time that game wasted. I can't listen to streams, just streams, for the amount of time that game wasted. So like.

What could I do which would possibly be even less productive?

Literally nothing.

I chose the least productive thing to do, effectively just to kill my mind and just...well, I've ceased to function already due to the depression, but I gamed the worst waste of time just because I didn't want to do anything to counter the depression and did the activity which most feeds into the depression.

The depression is bad.

And I am doing nothing about it.

I've felt bored out of my mind in the last two days, but the truth of the matter is, I've rejected literally every opportunity I was given to do anything satisfying.

So I am left here to rot.

Because I am wasting my life.

Why can't I just.

Do something?

Anything?

What makes it so hard for me to exist?

I haven't investigated the game I've been playing recently either.

I'm doing nothing.

This blog is the most productive I've been all week, and it's just a rant about how I've not been productive all week.

​So that really says something about how pathetic I am, doesn't it?

I can't even read comics/novels/TVTropes/etc. to satisfy my urges.

Nothing I am doing is working.

I just want to be something resembling anything right now.

But I'm not.
​And I never will be.

Here it is!

I'm sorry that I don't have much of a better blog today, I do have lots of blog-worthy stuff, I just am rather tired so not really going to be producing anything.

Content-wise I've been at a solid 6-8/10, with how much I'm progressing.

Hygiene-wise and general health-wise tho, it's more like 2-4/10.

One step forward, one step back, kind of thing.

The good:
-I streamed.
-I made significant progress on new stream background.
-I uploaded a youtube video.
-I also uploaded said video to tiktok too.
-I got the damned Elder Drake. (Still need the force of nature tho.)
-I might've finished hyper-roll placements, too?

The bad:
-I still haven't done the commands I said to do.
-I want to tweak the logo used.
-I need to do more extensive TOS research on YT.
-I haven't done the networking I should.
-I completely and entirely have been absent from the mafia site for effectively half a week now.
-I've not gone through my, very fragile, very numerous, very prone to being lost/scattered/damaged/etc. notes to get their info securely stored.

Well, it's a mixed bag, but I say that while the number of good is matched by the bad, the good is stronger than the bad overall.

​Gotta keep pushing tho.

IIIIII diddddd...literally nothing I said I would do yesterday. Instead I did a depression-spurned modded playthrough of one of my favorite Majesty scenarios (The Siege).

And then an equally depression-spurned TVTropes binge which led me with, genuinely, nearly 20 tabs I didn't have before, at the cost of finishing only one or two of the ones that I had before.

So, well, objectively speaking: bit of a failure there.

It wasn't exactly time poorly spent in my opinion though, because the time I spent still helped me a lot. It was reading the TVTropes page for The Defroster->every character page for My Next Life as a Villainness, which in many ways drew me in thanks to how it just...relates to me.

I would of course: love to be successful. All the ideas in my head, the world will be a lesser place for them not having been made. And for that I can only continue to apologize to everyone. I have so so many beautiful gorgeous ideas. And I genuinely cry knowing that they will never be seen by others. If I am lucky, yes, some will--but it is physically impossible for all of them to become real. There's not enough time in the world for that; when you make 2-3 new ideas a day and some ideas you forget critical details of, how could all of them come to the world? They can't so even IF I get the best case scenario of making my ideas real, it'll still only be some of them.

And for that, I need to apologize, not only to the people of this world for them not being able to see, to connect, with the ideas in my head, but also to the ideas in my head. Every character that I cannot bring to life, I cry for not having been able to do so because they are real. Their stories, their personalities, their interactions, they have genuine lives that I am the one and only person capable of telling. I am the one and only person who is capable of sharing their experiences to others and recording them and making them be seen, be experienced, for all of time.

So every time I don't do that, I have failed them. And it gives me great pain.

​But on the note of that great pain and the doom brought to others, back to why I needed the reading of the character pages for that series. It served as a good reminder of what I strive to be.

I will always hate myself for every perceived flaw, every perceived weakness, every perceived instance of having wronged others, every instance of having failed them. Every time I have someone that could be a friend, end up drifting away from me: I consider it a failure. I almost wrote a song about it yesterday in fact. (It'd have been called "The Lone Killer", basically Killer->Impostor->Impostor Syndrome and feeling alone. I was stopped by being short on time and by having positive reaffirmation that I desperately needed to hear.)

After all, as that not-written song would have said: it is easy to remember the wrongs, but hard to remember the rights. It is easy to see the good being gone, but hard to see the good that still is. Friendships require effort from both sides, and given that I put no effort into friendships, I am, arguably, more to blame for them not forming than anyone else.

Because how can someone really be my friend if the entirety of their friendship is just them showing up to help me? If I am just giving them nothing at all, obviously, the natural consequence of that is that over time, they just...gradually, do less and less. Because if I'm not maintaining the friendship, and I never do, then how could they when friendships are innately inherently draining?

But while I may not have any long-lasting success. Or any long-lasting friendships.

I still have a clear idea of what I really want.

I cannot stop hating myself for every instance of knowing I have caused harm, or even every instance of knowing "I could have done so much more to help than what I did". Every instance of apathy, every instance of thoughtlessness. Every time where I could have done something more supportive, but did not.

But I do have a goal in mind that I wish to continue to pursue.

I wish to live a long, happy, fulfilling life. I wish to spread kindness and empathy to the world. I despise myself, hate myself, for absolute failures on my part in these fields. Some quite recent, in fact. I had someone contact me about how I had hurt them and it made me realize how dangerously close I can be to falling into the worst part of my past self when I was, genuinely, a jerkass.

There was a time when I was a very nasty person.

So I am always, always, on guard for it, fearing the return of that part of me.

But while I have continued to fail.

I still wish to try.

Because it is, I believe, what I want the most in life now.

To live a long, happy, life where I give positivity and happiness to others.

I obviously don't want to place the happiness of others above myself--I know that's not healthy.

But I want to do everything in my power that is not detrimental to my own happiness to continue to spread that positivity to others, to be the beacon of light that the protagonist of that story is. I know I won't be able to succeed, because I just don't have the skills to maintain longterm relationships. But I still wish to do whatever I can.

​Anyway, I'm literally an hour late for bed because I'm a bit of a dumbass sometimes (another common trait) so will only be getting 5 hours of sleep, but for this blog? Worth it.

Not badly, anyway.

I did fail to get something very important done on the mafia site for the future of that mafia site since it is a very important thing that I feel is incredibly important to the health and longevity of the site and users on it.

I did fail to get the elder drake in tft in spite of having spent 8+ hours in my attempt.

But I did get a stream done for the first time in nearly a month, beating technical difficulties along the way!

My computer did bluescreen on me (quite literally blue screen), so uh...that's not good, but I'll be sure to run system scans and such when I remember to do so (so, hopefully, if I am on top of things, tomorrow).

I also used the opportunity to finally record a test video for youtube, so I'm going to try and upload that to see if my youtube will work as-is or if it needs further tweaks.

I'll also need to add some form of technical difficulties/downtime command to my stream, too. Maybe both.

Buthey, I managed to get most of my commands working, I think!

​Got a lot to do still, but it's a decent day done.